Ted Lasso (2020) s03e01 Episode Script

1
Welcome to London Heathrow.
For your security, do not leave
any personal items unattended.
This is the final boarding call
for flight 822 to Kansas City.
Final boarding for flight 822.
Paging passenger Lasso.
Report to the ticket desk.
Paging passenger Lasso. Please
report to the ticket desk.
Buddy, we gotta roll. Come on. Let's go.
Your mom sent you a text.
Come on, go.
- Henry Lasso. Passenger Henry Lasso.
- Hey, we're here. We're here.
Sorry about that.
We got distracted.
Little guy was trying to unlock
Princess Peach on Super Smash Bros.
Totally understand.
I once held an entire
flight to Sydney hostage
until I finished the final
level of Breath of the Wild.
Hmm. Feels like a potentially
troublesome sentence
to say in this setting,
but, hey, I appreciate you.
Hello, Henry. It's
nice to see you again.
Are you excited to head back home?
To all my toys? Yes.
To my country's political
landscape? Not so much.
Mmm. Yeah.
Well, I have a tendency
to doze off with CNN on.
All right, big guy. Let's
get you all set up here.
iPad's all loaded up
with a bunch of movies,
so no need to watch your
neighbor's screen, okay?
Less movies about clowns in
sewers, the better, right?
Amen, Big Ben.
- Mmm.
- Oh, here.
- Dad, uh, I made you something.
- What you got?
Oh! Hey.
A little tiny Premier
League trophy? All right!
I can't wait to drink champagne
out of this sucker, you know?
I mean, it's just to have
until you win the real one.
Oh, well, hey. You never know, right?
I'm sorry, Mr. Lasso, but
we are pressed for time.
Uh, of course. Of course. Okay.
Whoo! Six weeks goes by real quick
when you're having fun, don't it?
Hey, do me a favor. When you get home,
will you give your mom
a big squeeze from me
to let her know I love her? Yeah?
But until then, here,
you bring it in. Come on.
All right.
Mmm. Okay. Okay. Hey. I love you, buddy.
I love you too, Dad.
Yeah. All right. Okay. Get out of here.
Come on.
Passengers on Flight 2492
with service to JFK
airport, we are now boarding.
to Amsterdam has been delayed
and will now be departing from Gate 17.
We apologize for any inconvenience.
- Good morning, Ted.
- Hey, Doc.
- How're you feeling?
- Yeah, no. I'm fine. Yeah.
So, how did the drop-off go?
For me or for him?
'Cause I think those are
two very different answers.
But no, I'm fine, I think. I don't know.
I just feel kinda guilty
about the little guy
flying all by himself again, you know?
I understand, Ted. But
children are resilient.
And a sense of autonomy at
Henry's age is good for him.
No, I know. That's true.
I remember being left at
school when I was Henry's age.
I ended up helping our custodian,
Mr. Maher, clean half the school
until my dad remembered
to come pick me up.
He gave Mr. Maher cash
for babysitting me.
I showed up to school the next day
and Mr. Maher gave me the money
as payment for the work I'd done.
So then I used that money
to buy him a thank-you gift,
but never got the
chance to give it to him,
'cause, well, he ended
up getting hit by a train.
Oh, wow. I didn't see that coming.
Yeah, well, neither did Mr. Maher.
How are things at work?
Are you feeling good
about the upcoming season?
Oh, yeah. Uh, sure.
Well, I guess I do sometimes wonder
what the heck I'm still doing here.
I I mean, I know why I came,
but it's the sticking around
I can't quite figure out.
- You don't quit things, Ted.
- Right. Right. Yeah.
But, hey, maybe my being here
is doing more hurting than
helping at this point, you know?
Well, as the man once said,
- Ooh, I like that.
- I thought you would.
- We only have a couple of minutes left.
- Ah, okay.
Hey, you still cool with me
asking you some personal questions?
For now, yes. Go on.
Hey!
Holy smokes, I love that hat.
I recognize you from that show
Leaky Diapers, don't I? Huh?
- Okay, let's see. You dating anyone?
- Pass.
Ooh! You usually say no to that one.
- What team you with right now?
- Can't say.
- Okay. All right. Well, what sport?
- Can't say.
Uh-huh. How many Australians
you got on the team?
- Nine.
- Oh, rugby. Mmm. What a game.
It's like American football and
sumo wrestling gave birth to a baby
with huge muscular
thighs all caked in mud.
Okay, Ted. I need to go.
Okay. Talk to you later, Doc.
- Goodbye, Ted.
- All right now.
You finally got off.
Not yet, I didn't.
Bloody hell!
All of them. All of them have
us finishing last this season.
Mmm. It's really rather
annoying, isn't it?
Every newspaper, every
television pundit,
every lonely middle-aged
sports-blogging loser
writing in his mother's basement.
Oh, you know, Rebecca, that
stereotype really isn't true anymore.
For example, our ten-year-old,
Terry, started writing a sports blog
in our kitchen, which we
now call his home office.
For tax purposes.
Right, well I apologize
for the generalization.
Where does your son have us finishing?
- Hey, y'all.
- Hey, Ted.
- Good morning, Ted.
- Mmm.
Oh. No rhyming salutation.
Something wrong?
Way to notice, Amos Otis.
Yeah. Henry went back
to Kansas this morning.
- Oh. Thank you.
- Mm-hmm. Yep, yep.
Dropped him off at the
airport a little bit ago.
Now he's up in a plane,
10,000 feet in the sky.
- I think they fly higher than that.
- Definitely.
Yeah, well, I'm down here on Earth
checking my phone every ten minutes,
watching his plane get
further and further away.
Yeah.
But, hey, I didn't mean to come in
here and tinkle on y'all's toenails.
What's the buzz? Tell
me what's happening.
Well, apparently, everyone
alive has picked Richmond
to finish in 20th place this season.
- Hmm.
- Except the Daily Mirror,
which has us finishing "twentyelf."
An adorable but devastating typo.
Hmm. Okay. Well, you know what?
I predict all their predictions
ain't gonna come true.
So, it looks like we got ourselves
a prediction Mexican standoff.
Or as they call them in
Mexico, a prediction standoff.
Well, the worst part is that
they've picked Rupert to
finish in the top four.
Rupert's gonna play this year?
What? No.
Oh, so you mean West Ham?
Precisely. Everyone
thinks he's better than us.
They. Everyone thinks
they are better than us.
Yes, that's what I said. They.
So, what's the plan? How
are we gonna beat him?
- Them.
- Exactly.
Oh, boy.
Mmm. You know, this might be a good time
for us to update our roster. Put
some more firepower in the team.
That is a great idea, Leslie.
Let's put some feelers
out, shall we? Ted?
Well, I know Roy and Coach Beard
are working on some new tactics.
And, you know, the fellas we got
are already gelling real nice.
I think we're gonna do fine this season.
Ted, this team doing
"just fine" is a far cry
from you telling me we're
going to win the whole thing.
- Whoa!
- Whoa, did I really say that?
Yes, you did. Over there
after the Man City loss.
Just before you blasted half a
liter of Pellegrino in my face.
- Oh, right.
- Wait, what happened?
That is the Ted Lasso I want
coaching my team this season.
The one who's willing to fight.
- Understood?
- Yes, ma'am.
You watch, from now on,
I'll be floating like a
butterfly and stinging like a bee.
Except I won't die immediately
after using my stinger.
I plan to float and sting for
the entirety of the whole season.
Excellent.
Right, if you'll excuse me,
I have a very important lunch
meeting with one Ms. Keeley Jones
- Ooh!
- for some much-needed girl talk.
Hey, tell her we said howdy and
Yo.
Okay.
- You say "yo"?
- Yeah, I know. It just popped out
Oh, no. I'm not judging. I loved it.
- I wanna make sure I heard right.
- Okay. Yeah.
- But I But I feel like
- Yeah.
That makes sense,
right? I could put my
What? Another one? Dead last.
Dead last? Who wrote that?
Fucking everybody, bruv.
Glenn Hoddle, Graeme
Souness, Jermaine Jenas
Maybe they're trying to motivate us.
Yeah. Thank you very much, Dani.
I had a woman accost me on the street,
telling me I should fake
an injury this season
so I wouldn't have to
deal with the misery.
Did you tell her to piss off?
- No, she was a nun.
- Oh.
Wait, a nun?
They must get Sky Sports
in the monasteries.
Hey. Hey, hey, lads. Hey.
We ain't gonna get relegated
'cause we're together.
And together, we got me.
Statistically speaking,
most teams who get promoted are
relegated the very next year.
- Come on, Jan Maas!
- Jan Maas!
- That's what happens in the Pre
- Shut the fuck up, Jan Maas.
It's the Premier League.
It's just statistics, man.
So I finally watched it.
Mm-hmm.
- I liked it.
- Mmm.
- Gene Hackman was good.
- Mm-hmm.
- The drunk geezer.
- Mmm.
- Stuff with the team.
- Mmm.
I did have one question.
Yeah, what's that?
Why the fuck is it called Hoosiers?
Ah.
Hey, what's up, sweetie pie?
Oh! What's the frequency, Roy Kenteth?
What you doing? Working on
new trick plays or something?
No tricks, just an old
classic. Take it away, Coach.
This is the best way for
us to play this season.
The 4-4-2,
which is
Four defenders, four in the
midfield, and two up front.
- Yeah, I got it.
- God, I'm proud of you.
Yeah. Henry and I played a whole
bunch of FIFA while he was here.
Very helpful. You know, we
both learned who Maradona was,
and I had to explain to my son why
cocaine is actually bad for you.
Please, keep going.
Right. These little pricks have
played 4-4-2 ever since they were kids,
which means they'll always know
what they're supposed to do,
and more importantly,
where they're supposed to be
at every fucking minute
of every fucking game
against every fucking opponent.
Yeesh. Who invented
this thing, the Russians?
Yeah.
Oh, okay. Uh
Well, hey, if you think it's a
good idea, I think it's a great one.
- Let's do it.
- Okay.
And look, I know I don't have
Nate's fucking tactical super-brain,
but I do know it's more
important to be solid than clever
when you're the underdogs.
Yeah, the underdog. Right. No. Okay.
I hear you, loud and clear. Yeah.
Hey, Coach. How come you
never hear of an "overdog"?
Uh, in German, the "Überhund,"
but in English, we say "top dog."
- Oh.
- Or more specifically, West Ham.
Good morning, Coach Shelley.
There he is. The Wonder Kid himself.
Get out.
I understand.
I just don't think Ms. Welton
will have a whole lot to say
about the unfair advantage of
being a female owner in sports.
Thank you.
Fuck you, Joe Rogan.
Sorry, everyone.
This is my friend, my former boss
- my angel-mentor-guru,
Rebecca. - Oh.
And, Rebecca, these are the poets
and the geniuses behind KJPR.
- Ah. Hello. Uh
- Hello.
Why don't you step into my office?
Yeah? Come on. Yeah.
Ooh.
God, it's like a real office out there.
People typing and being
awkward and everything.
It's so bananas, right?
Oh, and I found out why I got
such a good deal on this place.
Oh, I love a bit of corporate
real estate scuttlebutt.
That. Yeah.
So, the previous tenants,
they had to break the lease
because the boss kept getting caught
pinching his employees'
butts all the time.
Oh, well. One man's grope
is another woman's gain.
It does explain why my office
comes with fun features like this.
Look. Watch.
Yikes. But also quite cool.
Hey, it's all right.
Hey!
Hey, you're all right. I'm here. Hey.
I'm so busy, I literally have
to make time in my schedule
to sit at my desk and cry.
Oh.
And now I've double-booked you.
Oh, come here!
You know who else
picked us to finish last?
Please don't say Adele.
Paddington Bear.
- It was on his Twitter account.
- Yeah, I saw that.
On a scale of one marmalade sandwich
to five marmalade sandwiches,
we've got no marmalade sandwiches.
Even that sweet little
bear does not believe in us.
I think it's probably other
people writing for him.
- Wait, what?
- Yeah.
Hmm.
What the heck is going on out here?
These guys are more distracted than
a bunch of cats playing laser tag.
They heard all the
pundits saying we suck.
Fuck pundits.
You were a pundit.
Yeah. And all we did was talk
shit and eat fucking meringues.
Hey, Coach, I don't know about
you, but it kinda feels like
it's getting a little
stuffy in here, yeah?
Like one of those days you
wanna have class outside?
Mm-hmm.
What the fuck are you two
talking about? We are outside.
- Hey, Will.
- Yeah?
- Come here.
- Yeah.
Hey, is Kenneth around today?
Uh, yeah, no. Kenneth lives here.
Yeah. No, he does work a lot, don't he?
No, no, no. As in, he
He literally lives here at the facility.
- He does? Since when?
- Yeah.
Uh, ever since his cult got shut down.
- Oh. Kenneth was in a cult?
- Mmm.
No, no, no, no, no. He
He was the leader of one.
Wow. Okay.
Well, you mind asking him to
bring the team bus around for me?
- Yeah, yeah.
- All right. Appreciate you.
Shall we?
Okay, fellas.
This segment of today's
training is now complete.
I need everyone to go hop on the bus.
We're taking practice on the road,
and last one in the parking
lot has to eat a little bug!
Everyone run except Roy! Let's go!
- Run, run, run!
- Let's go, let's go!
- I feel so much better.
- Mmm.
Crying is the best, isn't it?
It's like an orgasm for the soul.
Oh.
You know, in the last three
years married to Rupert,
I don't think I cried
once about anything.
Not even a John Lewis
Christmas commercial.
Oh, I'm really sorry
again about your blouse.
What are you talking about?
It's barely noticeable.
Pfft!
Oi, sucks butt that everyone's
predicted Richmond to finish last.
- I mean, what filthy cocks.
- Mmm.
You're not worried
about that though, right?
No, not really.
I'm a bit worried that
Ted isn't worried enough.
Yeah, but you gotta
let Ted be Ted, right?
Yes. I suppose so.
No, I'm more bothered that Rupert
must just be so happy right now.
He's really gotten stuck in
your head these days, huh?
No!
I mean, yes.
But he's not stuck in the
same way he used to be stuck.
I mean, back then,
I wanted to destroy everything that
Rupert loved and owned and coveted.
You know, like Left Eye from TLC
when she burned all her
boyfriend's trainers in the bath
and ended up burning
down the entire house.
- Ultimate gangster move.
- Fucking legend.
And admittedly, that was me back then.
But the me now doesn't feel the
need to destroy Rupert's life.
No, the now me just wants to beat him.
To win.
- That's growth, right?
- Sure.
But sometimes you've gotta
let Rupert be Rupert too.
- Huh?
- Ms. Jones, uh, we have a problem.
Barbara, come on. It's Keeley.
Oh, and I want you to meet
my dear friend, Rebecca.
- She owns AFC Richmond.
- Oh.
Yes, of course, Rebecca.
- Very nice to meet you.
- Hello, Barbara.
- Ms. Jones, um
- Mmm?
I noticed a business expense
for flowers recurring weekly.
You want to spend £200
every week on flowers?
Yeah.
Why?
So the office is
cheerful and smells nice.
Flowers are for two things, Ms.
Jones. Dead people and dead marriages.
- It was so nice to meet you.
- It was nice to meet you.
She seems fun.
She's my CFO.
The company that financed
me placed her here.
But she's my CFO, yet
sometimes my CFO
Chief Financial Officer.
Oh, my. I did not know that.
I've been saying
"corporate flying object"
'cause it's been making me laugh.
Why didn't you just google it?
Because I trust in the universe.
Oh.
Right. I have got to get going.
Dinner this evening?
- I can't.
- Oh, no, no. I'm eating meat again.
Oh, that's not it. But thank Christ.
No, uh Roy and I are finally
having the talk with Phoebe.
Ah.
I cannot cancel on him
again, or he will kill me.
- Okay, well, call me later.
- Mmm.
And thank you for the advice.
- Thank you for your bosom.
- Anytime.
You. Come over here. Come over here.
Come and stand on this line for
me. This This, over here. Yeah.
This is a very important line.
Everyone, this is the dumb-dumb line.
- This is where dumb-dumbs go.
- Mmm.
Stay.
You, go in for the dumb-dumb. Try
not to join him on the line. Go.
Coach Shelley?
Yes. Yes?
Mr. Mannion would
like to speak with you.
Okay. Thank you very much.
N-Now?
Uh Disco.
Yeah.
Take over here. Five
more minutes of this,
then run them till they drop.
- Okay.
- All right. Let
Oh. Oh, gosh.
Okay.
Just because my name is Disco
doesn't mean we get to party, yeah?
There he is. The Wonder Kid himself.
Oh. Hello. How was your trip?
Wonderful. Yeah.
Uh, I was in St. Barts with
dear friends, the Sacklers.
We were legally required
to stay 50 miles offshore,
but, uh, what a beautiful boat.
Well, sounds lovely.
What's lovely are these delightful
preseason prognostications. Yeah.
Aren't they delish?
Especially poor, old Richmond.
Can you believe they're
picked to finish 20th?
Well, yeah, because there's no 21st.
- That's very good.
- Oh!
I hope you've got more zingers like that
in your back pocket
for the presser today.
I Yeah, I might.
Oh. You know, they didn't know
what they had, letting you go.
Nathan Shelley, you are a killer.
Thank you, Mr. Mannion.
Oh, no, please, Nathan. Call me Rupert.
Mr. Mannion, the car is being
removed from the lot as we speak.
Ah. Good.
Security thinks one of the new cleaners
must have parked in the
prestige lot by accident.
Yes.
And accidents have repercussions.
I just want to just have a look. Um
Yes, that's my car.
- Sorry.
- Is it really?
No. Um Well, ye Uh, yes.
I mean, it's the one that
I drove here in, but
is anything really ours?
- I can move it.
- No, it's okay.
My apologies, Nathan.
Ms. Kakes, let security know
that we have found the, uh,
automobile's owner,
and everything's fine.
Yes, Mr. Mannion.
- Nathan?
- Yeah?
I know you'll make me proud.
I believe in you.
- Thank you, Mr. Rupert. Ru
- Just Rupert.
Plain Rupert.
Rupert.
- Thanks, Ken.
- Have a good one, lad.
- Cheers, Ken.
- Look after yourselves.
- Thanks, K-Rock.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Ken, thanks again for
helping us out at the last second.
Oh, no worries. You got lucky, really.
Ted, it's a good rule of thumb
never to ask a hippie to
come in on his day off.
- Okay, message received.
- Ah, all right.
Well, I'll go and smoke some
toad venom while I'm waiting.
Then the whole day's
not a waste. Cheers.
Okay. Yeah.
He gonna be okay to drive us back?
- After the toad venom?
- Yeah.
He's usually fine in 20 minutes.
He'll be forever changed
but he can drive, yeah.
Okay, good.
All right, fellas. Follow me.
There he is.
Good to see you again, Coach Lasso.
Hey, nice to see you too, Ivor.
All right.
Come on, fellas. Here we are.
- This is the spot here?
- Yes, sir.
All righty.
Okay, here we go, guys. Down the hatch.
- Nah.
- What?
- Yeah, we're going down here.
- What's he talking about?
Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Yeah. Nah, it's gonna be fine.
Oh, Del, look at this shit.
- Yeah, why don't you go next?
- All right.
- Is that Roy Kent?
- I don't know.
Roy Kent, is that you?
Get fucked.
- Yeah, definitely him.
- Yeah, that's him.
- Yes.
- Get that on Twitter, son.
I just wanted to go
through this transfer list.
Some good options here. Um
Why are you dressed like an umlaut?
Keeley tears.
Ah. I've had this
dry-cleaned now six times.
Can't believe she wears
stuff like this on her eyes.
- Right. Come here.
- Hmm?
Are you sure you want to watch this?
No, I don't want to, Leslie.
But it's part of my job.
I need to be ready to comment
if Rupert were to say something
snide about me or the team.
Where are they, by the way?
Shouldn't they be training now?
Yeah, come on down, fellas.
That's it. All right.
Greyhounds, behold the majesty
of the London sewer system.
Disgusting.
Mmm, yeah, that's what I
thought at first as well.
But then, over the summer, Henry and I
took a tour of this
place with Ivor here.
Why would you take your
kid for a tour of a sewer?
Well, it was his idea, actually.
See, what happened was, on
his plane ride over here,
the fellow sitting next to him
was watching that horror movie It,
and, well, Henry accidentally
ended up watching it too.
So then, when he heard about this tour,
he asked to go on it in
order to face his fears.
Fucking smart.
Yeah, that is good.
Ain't much scarier out there
than a creepy clown, right?
Ladies and gentlemen
of the press, welcome.
Lovely to see you all, and, uh,
thank you for selecting
our humble little football
club to do so well this season.
Twat.
Ivor, my friend, why don't
you help these fine fellows
with some fun facts about
this here feces factory?
Uh, well, back in 1859,
an engineer called Joseph
Bazalgette and his team
built more than 1,200 miles of
interconnected tunnels and sewers.
And its creation helped cure
a massive cholera outbreak
after untreated human waste found
its way into the River Thames.
Anyone know what that
epidemic was called?
Great Stink of 1858.
That's correct.
Ooh! All right, go
ahead, Ivor. Keep cooking.
The person you are here to see,
the Wonder Kid himself,
our new manager,
Nathan Shelley.
Ah, thank you. Um, very nice to be here.
Uh, I'm pretty sure I said "wunderkind."
- Doesn't It doesn't matter.
- Doesn't
Sorry, does anyone have any questions?
- Yes, you. Thank you.
- How are you and the lads getting on?
Yeah, really great. Um
Getting to know them.
Getting to know all about them.
Getting to like them.
Getting to hope
Excuse me a second.
What is he doing?
Sorry, just, um, had to tie my shoe.
Uh, yeah, next question,
please. Thank you. Yes?
Uh, Coach Shelley,
you are now the manager of a
contending Premier League team,
but just two years ago,
you were a mere kit man,
washing another team's underwear.
I mean, it must all feel a
bit overwhelming for you, yes?
Not for me, no. Because
I earned this job.
What's overwhelming
is the confusion I feel
when someone so intelligent-looking
asks such a stupid question.
Meow.
Anyone else?
- Yeah, I got a question.
- Yeah, go ahead, Isaac.
What the fuck are we doing here?
Silence!
Thank you, Coach. Uh, that's
a good question, Isaac.
A-And direct, which
is a personality trait
y'all's generation has truly embraced,
and I tell you what, I've grown
used to it, so I appreciate it.
Uh, yeah, well, hey,
fellas, take a look around.
What are we surrounded by down here?
- Coach.
- Yeah, Jamie.
We're surrounded by poopy.
Mm-hmm, that's right. But if you ask me,
we're surrounded by a whole bunch
of poopy up there as well, yeah?
See, gentlemen, right now, y'all's
brains are basically London in 1857.
They're blocked up by
other people's dookie.
Y'all need to make an internal
sewer system within yourselves,
and then connect to
each other's tunnels,
help each other keep that flow.
So if you're ever having
a crisis of confidence,
y-you know, borrow some of Jamie's.
Yeah? Or if you're feeling down,
you know, get some Dani in your life.
Or you can learn from Richard's
vast knowledge of expensive wines.
Fine wines, Coach.
The thing is, a great bottle of wine
really doesn't need to be an
expensive bottle of wine, you get it?
All right, see? That's
That's wisdom right there.
Merci beaucoup.
Uh, yeah. Next question.
Coach Shelley, um, regarding
your old team, AFC Richmond,
any idea why everyone is expecting
them to finish 20th this season?
Probably because there's no 21st.
Ouch.
Guys, all we gotta do is remember
to stay connected to one another
and let anything we don't need
flow right through all the way to,
- I don't know, Germany or
- Where does it go, Ivor?
Oh, processed through a treatment
plant and dumped back into the ocean,
where we swim and get our seafood.
Oh. Okay. Yeah, that's horrible.
- All right, y'all get it?
- Yes, Coach.
Okay, let's get upstairs,
get some fresh air.
Come on. Let's go. Hurry up. On the hop.
No sudden movements near the bus driver.
Uh, Coach Shelley, um,
would you like to comment on
the new picture of AFC Richmond
that's just showed up online?
What picture?
Uh
I think I know where the team's gone.
Yeah, well, it makes sense to me.
They probably have to train in a sewer
because their coach is so shitty.
Oh, boy.
I really like that Kenneth guy.
He seems really plugged in, yeah?
Oh, yeah. No, I agree.
That nutter told me to
ask the fucking Earth
to help me carry some of my burden.
He ain't wrong.
That's not a terrible idea.
Oh, boy.
What?
That little prick.
- Who?
- Just check your phone.
- Oh.
- Yo, you see what Nate said about us?
Check this out. Look.
- What happened?
- What?
- You see?
- No, no, no.
I better say something.
Hey, hey, lads, lads, lads.
Remember, it's just poopy. Let it flow.
- Yeah.
- Ah, just like in the sewer.
Bingo, "el ringo."
- Clever, Jamie.
- Yeah.
All right.
Hey, boss.
Where were you this afternoon?
Oh, I took the fellows on a
little impromptu field trip.
Yes, to a sewer, Ted.
I know. Everyone knows.
And you're upset that
I didn't invite you?
No, Coach Lasso,
I'm upset because the team that I own
is projected to finish last this season.
And my manager decided to skip training
and take our players
into a fucking sewer.
No, yeah, I can see your point, yeah.
Did you hear what Nathan
was saying about you?
- Yes, ma'am.
- And are you planning on addressing that?
No, ma'am.
Everyone is laughing at us, Ted.
At you, at our team, at me.
Rupert is laughing at me, Ted.
And I am begging you,
please, fight back.
Uh, yeah. Sarah.
- Hey, I like the new hair color.
- Thank you.
You do it just for fun
- or are you going through a breakup?
- Both.
Yep, no, I get it. What you got?
Coach, how are you feeling
about the unanimous opinion
that Richmond will be relegated
again at the end of the season?
Mmm, yeah, that's true, isn't it?
Expectations for us are as low as
a rattlesnake's belly button, huh?
But, hey, we got 38 chances
to prove all them folks
wrong though, right?
Yeah. And my hopes are as
high as a giraffe's top hat.
Uh, next question.
And if it is, "Why is a giraffe
wearing a top hat?" Don't ask me, man.
Go ask a giraffe.
- Coach?
- Yeah, Marcus.
Marcus Adebayo, The Independent.
- Ooh!
- Ooh! Congrats on the new gig.
- Thank you.
- What have you got for me?
Do you have any response to
comments made earlier today
by your former assistant
coach, Nathan Shelley?
Uh, yes, I do.
Yeah.
I thought it was hilarious.
I mean, he came and got us,
didn't he? No doubt about that.
Hey, but that's Nate the
Great for you, you know?
He's the same way on the pitch.
He'll find the tiniest
little weakness in a team
and just want to attack that, you know?
I mean, uh, he's a junkyard
dog, man. And smart.
They're real lucky to have
him over there at West Ham.
I wish him the best of luck.
I guess I am a little surprised
that's all he could come up with.
Especially against me.
You know, not one joke about
me being a dumb American?
Come on, man. It's sitting
there. I mean, I'm so dumb
Y'all are supposed to
say, "How dumb are you?"
- Gary.
- Why?
Well, I mean, it's just
classic joke structure.
Give it a shot. I mean, I'm so dumb
- Lloyd.
- How dumb are you?
Hmm. Okay.
I'm so dumb that the first time I heard
y'all talking about Yorkshire pudding,
I thought it was a fancy
word y'all had for dog poop.
Yeah. I mean, I'm so dumb
- How dumb are you?
- How How dumb are you?
Yeah, all right, well, you know.
Well, whenever I text someone over here
about money, I still
spell "pounds" L-B-S.
Look, man, I'm not a great
coach. Probably ain't.
I've been doing this
sport now for three years,
and I still get a chuckle every time
someone talks about
a handball violation.
Yeah, and not one crack about my
appearance? About this mustache?
I I I look like Ned Flanders
is doing cosplay as Ned Flanders.
When I talk, it sounds like Dr.
Phil hasn't gone through puberty yet.
Yeah. I'm more corny than
Kevin Costner's outfield.
Ooh, I lost you on that one. Yeah.
Swing and a miss.
Yeah. Uh, Field of Dreams? No?
I I guess y'all don't
really like baseball here,
so why would you like
movies about it? The, uh
Well, hey, how about this one?
Regarding my panic attacks,
I've had more psychotic
episodes than Twin Peaks.
I mean, I'm so crazy
- How crazy are you?
- How crazy are you?
There we go.
Coach Shelley?
I have a package for you.
Oh, thank you.
It's from Mr. Mannion.
I don't know if I should
open it in front of you
or wait for you to leave.
It's a car.
I'm finished, Uncle Roy.
Ice cream before dinner?
Either you think I did
something very good,
or you guys did something very bad.
Phoebs
your Uncle Roy and I
have something we need to tell you.
Okay, uh, what?
- We're going on a break.
- We broke up.
Which is it?
- Well
- We broke up.
But don't worry, because
your Uncle Roy and I talked,
and you and I can still see
each other whenever you want to.
Why?
Because we thought you'd wanna
hang out with me sometimes.
No, no. Why are you breaking up?
That's That's a good question. Um
We're too busy.
But, uh, yo-you were both busy before.
We're more busy now.
H-How so?
Keeley's got her own company now,
so that takes up a lot
of her time and focus.
And uh, we had a coach quit,
so it's now my responsibility for
tactics and strategies and shi
Roy, I know you're scared
about that, but it's gon
Right.
Do you wanna talk about
it some more, or
No, um, not really. It makes sense.
I mean, y-you were
only together a year.
And few relationships can survive a
major career change, much less two.
Besides, my mum and dad
split up when I were four,
so one of my core beliefs is
that nothing lasts forever.
I am happy we still get
to be friends, though.
Yeah, so am I.
We should probably go.
All that ice cream's already
doing a number on my tummy.
Right.
- Uncle Roy?
- Yeah?
Are you sure you're
doing the right thing?
I don't know.
Can I say a bad word?
Go on.
I think you're being stupid.
Something on your mind, Coach?
You ever wonder why we're here, Coach?
In London or on Earth?
Well, both, I guess, but for the sake
of this conversation,
let's go with London.
Carry on.
I mean, look, I know it's nuts
we came here in the first place,
but at this point, I can't
tell if it's more crazy
or less crazy that we're still here.
We grabbing a beer, Coach?
No, I can't. I wanna talk to Henry. Why?
'Cause we just passed your apartment.
Oh, shoot. Okay. Night, Coach.
Night, Coach.
Hi, Dad.
Well, if it isn't Mr.
Carmen Sandiego himself.
How was your flight?
It was good. I watched a
movie called The Exorcist.
Wait, you did what?
I'm kidding.
That was good. You got me.
Hey, hey, check it out.
I put the trophy you gave me
right down here smack-dab in the
middle of Nelson Road Stadium.
- How about that?
- That's great,
but why is Nate off to the side?
Oh, well, remember, he's not
part of the team anymore, yeah?
Yeah, but you can
still be friends, right?
You know what? You're
right, buddy. Here.
Yeah. All right. Let me
fix that for you right now.
Yeah.
There you go.
Hey, big guy,
you know I don't like
being away from you, right?
Yeah.
And that I'd only ever do it
for something really important.
You know, something I believe in, yeah?
Yeah.
And do you understand
why I'm still here?
Of course. To win the whole thing.
Well, now, don't forget.
Winning ain't everything.
Yeah, Dad, but you gotta try, right?
No, you're absolutely right.
We always have to try.
Good. Now the universe is alive!
Whoa, what is that?
Thanos's Infinity Gauntlet.
Jake gave it to me.
Oh, snap. Well, that
is cool. Who's Jake?
Mommy's friend.
See? It lights up.
Great.