The Almighty Johnsons (2011) s03e01 Episode Script

Once upon a time, I was like this ordinary guy.
Me and my big brothers Mike, Ty Anders, and cousin Olaf.
Buggery bollocks! Who, turns out, is actually Granpa.
And a God.
All of us yeah, Gods.
Being Odin was meant to be cool, awesome, with powers and stuff.
Oh, my God! I feel like a God! It wasn't awesome.
In fact, everything turned to shit.
I was meant to get the girl of my dreams.
And she was meant to end up with me.
Not with him.
- Not with Anders.
- What? - And I can't live with that.
- I'm yours.
I want my life the way it's meant to be.
Not like this.
Not without her.
Hi, honey.
Hi, there.
How was work? Oh, another day of taking rich people's money for not doing very much.
You know, same old, same old.
Hey, and how was your day, my son? - Daughter.
- I still say son.
I think you'd be wrong.
Well, we shall see.
Hey, how's our other boy? In a better mood than when I left for work? Uh if anything, he's worse.
I'll go talk to him, again.
Hey, buddy.
Someone tells me that you're still Mr.
Grumpy.
(Wood creaking) Axl, you have to get over this.
It's been five years.
You have to face the fact that, well Gaia and I are more in love now than the day that the gods threw us together.
Axl, talk to us.
Use your words.
(Harsh breathing) Axl? (Horn blaring) Axl? Axl!! (Horn Blaring) Fuck!! (Tires screeching) (Panting) (Engine stops) I can't do this.
- Well, I can drive if you want.
- No, I mean I can't live in a world with you and him.
Where you're with him.
Do you see Anders here, Axl? We're in your car, on the way to our house, where we live.
And tonight, I'll be in your bed.
Not his.
Surprise! (Axl and Gaia moaning) (Buzzing) Whoa, Jesus, Natalie! (Thwack) Oh, you picked a very good day not to be a god anymore.
Gaia didn't get Frigg? Idun.
But Helen's Idun.
Um, I'm sorry, Ty.
It didn't end well for Helen.
It's unsavoury, yes.
(Grunting) This is not how it should be.
But it's our best option.
The point is, it should be Anders digging the bloody hole, not me.
That would take considerably longer, Anders not being adept at manual labour.
It's like that bloody guinea pig he had as a kid, Carmelita.
I ended up burying that too.
I hope you're not comparing Helen to a guinea pig.
I'm saying, he burst into tears then, he burst into tears now.
Both times, I end up doing the dirty work.
You know, this may not be a total catastrophe.
You reckon? Having Idun on our side's not the end of the world.
- But you hated the last Idun.
- Well, she was a bitch.
This one is much more pliable to - our cause.
- We have a cause? Sure we do.
Goddesses together.
Armed with a stick we don't know what to do with.
But it is a stick that gives us a power, Stacey, one they can never have.
You know, for someone who travelled all the way from Norway to slaughter us, she sure travelled light.
Maybe that's how religious fanatics travel.
True.
She did have two Bibles.
One of which is a Gideon's Bible, Stacey.
They're in every hotel room.
Really? Clear out the hotel room, disappear the car, leave nothing but a mystery.
Don't overthink it, Stacey.
It's not like they're going to find the body.
You had one job to do, one, and you couldn't manage that? I'm no good with blood, Mike, you know that.
I'm no good with burying bodies, but I managed.
But you did bury her, right, where no one will find her? Like it's a hiding game? Get a bucket, do your job.
And then you stay far away from Axl and Gaia, 'cause the last thing we need is your dick getting involved.
I have no desire to go there, Mike.
The last thing I need in my life is another clingy goddess.
And she's Axl's girlfriend.
Well, that too.
Especially.
Especially.
Clean up your mess.
All sorted, then? Yeah.
You? Yeah.
The shower's doing that no hot water thing again, by the way.
I'll deal with it tomorrow.
What was that cryptic thing from Colin? Which thing? About you being the most powerful goddess in town.
Aren't I? I have no idea, Mike.
He may have been referring to the last time we saw each other, when I put my knee through his scrotum.
Are you still going to kill him? Or have you gone soft on him since he saved your life? He made that woman explode.
What, and that scares you? It makes me wary.
I know for a fact that Colin has never made a woman explode with pleasure.
Dawn? - Anders.
- (Yielps) Don't do that! - What? - Say my name in a terse fashion from behind me.
You look better without the beard.
What beard? I never had a beard.
If you say so.
Hey, has anyone been looking for me? Yes.
- Did they say what they wanted? - Not us.
What? Make sense.
Those oil people Helen lined up, they've changed their mind.
You need to get her to call them.
- Yeah, no, that's not going to happen.
- Why not? Well, let's just say that Helen's not what you would call around anymore, okay? And which one of you came to your senses? You have a cruel streak, Dawn.
And Natalie? - What about her? - From Lindus? Seeing as we're no longer raping the Earth for money, we kind of need their business.
Yeah, Natalie's also gone.
- Where? - Away.
- How do you know this? - Dawn-- Natalie and Helen are gone.
They're never coming back.
In fact, they might have gone away together, to go hiking, because you always suspected that they were a bit like that.
And if anyone asks you about me and about them, I was with you at the time.
Never mention their names again.
Are we clear on this? - Sure.
- Good.
You know, I always thought that they were a bit-- Who were, Dawn? You know.
(Phone rings)s Hello.
(Dog barking) Mrs Kwan hey.
(Dog barking) (Ethereal chorale) Sorry, sorry, I missed that.
Does it have to be tomorrow? Yes, you're quite right, you are entirely within your rights.
So tomorrow it is.
(Beep) Flat meeting.
(Thumping) (Thumping) Flat meeting, flat meeting now! Most of the time I love living with gods, I actually do, except when I get set on fire or kidnapped by giants of course.
Or have to explain to the landlord when she comes around to inspect the flat tomorrow why the fuck there is an apple tree in our lounge.
Does somebody want to enlighten me maybe on why there is an apple tree growing out of our couch?! Maybe you should ask the new Idun who grows the apples of the gods about there.
Sorry.
(Knocking) Good morning.
- Hello? - Ah, just came to see Anders.
He's just over there.
Yes, I can see him.
While I'm here on the off chance I just I was wondering if you'd like to go get a drink after work? Today? If that works.
(Sighs) I've got spin class.
Um, maybe another day.
(Siren wailing) Dawn, I need you to go get me a coffee, please.
Immediately.
Treat yourself while you're there.
On it.
Um, I'll think about that drink.
Great.
(Door bangs) Ty, what are you doing? - Asking Dawn out for a drink.
- Creeping her out is the answer.
Uh, no I wasn't.
You're nowhere near the asking her out for a drink stage.
But she said she'd think about it.
No, no, her lips said that.
Her eyes said keep away from me, scary man.
Back it up, bro.
Here endeth the lesson.
You can go.
Actually, I did come to see if you were okay after the whole Helen thing.
No, I'm not okay.
I spent half the night cleaning her blood off my kitchen floor.
I meant about how you're feeling.
About losing her.
And if Mike has done his job properly hopefully no one will ever find her.
God business.
Glad I'm out of it.
No, no, no, not quite.
From your knowledge of Helen is there anyone likely to come looking for her? Well, she's an only child.
Both her parents died, well, while she was in her teens.
She never really settle anywhere or with anyone.
- Moved around a lot.
- Yeah, okay, so I'm guessing that no one is missing her right now.
I would guess no.
- Apart from you.
- Obviously.
Hey, and good on you for finding all that out in the short time that you were with her.
I learned all that on our first date.
Oh, man, all we did was screw.
(Heavy sigh) I don't even remember dreaming about apple trees.
Can we chop it down? Why would you want to do that? We have a flat inspection we're going to fail.
And I like having somewhere to live.
(Rustling) That doesn't mean someone just died somewhere, does it? Didn't think of that.
(Crunching) Okay, that can't be good.
That is delicious! (Laughter) (Rustling) A manifestation of godliness.
- No shit.
- But not godly unto themselves.
(Crunching) Gaia, should he really be doing that? (Crunching) (All murmuring) I don't think I should.
It just doesn't seem right.
I do love a juicy red apple.
Yes, indeedy.
(Dog barking) (Banging) (Shouting) Shitballs! (Dramatic instrumental music) I thought you were a professional.
Here, let me look at it.
No, it's fine.
Swearing makes it better.
Come with me.
Here.
- Let me look at it.
- It's fine, I swear.
(Upbeat pop music) Would you like the bad news? Or the good news.
No, no good news.
The liquor industry people called.
They're going with another firm.
Would you like me to track down she whose name we don't mention, seeing as she walked them in the door? No, no, no, bygones are bygones.
Hello, again.
Sorry to interrupt but I'm just, uh - just wondering if you could help me.
- Oh my god.
How? Well, it's just, um I've been baking--it's a hobby.
And I've been trying out this new cupcake mix and I'm looking for an opinion.
We need to talk.
Come with me.
(Clank) Yeah.
(Background din) And does she say anything in these visions? No, just there then gone.
- Maybe you're imaging it.
- Ty, it's me, I don't imagine.
I get women to do the things that other men imagine, and if I did imagine I wouldn't imagine her.
- The Idun to your Bragi.
- No, I don't care.
I really don't care.
And your cupcake idea is worse than your casual drink idea, by the way.
- What's wrong with my cupcakes? - You're more likely to get me in bed than her with your ridiculous cupcakes.
I give up on you.
Talk to somebody whose job it is to care.
That's a good idea actually.
You know what? Dawn loves cupcakes.
Exactly.
So the message you're sending her is I can give you the things you love because I am sensitive to your needs, plus I can bake.
- Yeah, what's wrong with that? - The message she's receiving is I am gay.
- I'm not gay.
- I know you're not but she thinks you are.
You told her I was gay.
No, your cupcakes did.
You whispered to her.
I saw you.
Okay.
You told her I was gay.
You've done it before.
No, no, no, I told her that you were hung like a lion.
What? Yeah, I was just trying to give you a helping hand.
I was going to say donkey, but, I don't know, I think lion just sounds much more manly.
But then you screwed it up with your stupid cupcakes.
Great, so the only points of reference Dawn has of me are that I'm your brother and I have a large penis.
- And you're gay.
- Fuck you! Dude, you're trying way too hard.
Just back off, make it look natural.
Let her come to you.
- Like it's destiny.
- No, not like destiny.
There's no such thing as destiny for fuck sake.
(Phone ringing) Hello.
Oh, Grandpa, wow, I expected to leave you a message and then for you to never get back to me.
I was contemplating apples.
Why were you contemplating apples? Because they are today's thing to contemplate.
Shall we contemplate them together? Can there be thinking juice involved? (Ominous music) Hello? - What? - Can there be thinking juice? Lots of thinking juice.
I must injure myself more often.
(Laughs) We should really get back to tidying.
(Bar din) - There.
- Thank you.
- You've never had visions before? - No.
- I have them all the time.
- I bet you do.
Is that a vision? Oh, fuckity fuck! I guess that's a no.
Shit.
Uh, hey, should we go somewhere else? Why? We have to pay for drinks everywhere else.
- Hi, Mike.
- Hey.
Mike, we really need beer.
But we haven't no money.
Mike: Glad to see some things haven't changed.
What am I going to do, pretend they're not here? Ignoring things has never been your strong suit.
(unclear) Hey! Hey.
Hey, you know I'm not one to beat around the bush, right? So I just want to let you know that I am no way attracted to your girlfriend.
I mean, apparently the universe has other ideas, but screw the universe, okay? Because as far as I'm concerned she's all yours, bro.
You know I'm standing right here, right? Yeah, I know, but this is mainly between me and him.
Well, what about the fact that I'm not attracted to you either? Well, good.
(Scoffs) It's mutual.
We're repugnant to each other.
Excellent.
- Well, sorted.
- Anders you need to go before I punch you in the face.
What? I'm trying to make things right, okay? I'm trying to restore our brotherly-- Anders, just go.
Okay, I don't get the aggression here.
I'm doing my best.
Go! - I don't even want - Go! (Background din) - Sorry about that.
- No.
I liked it when you said you'd punch him in the face.
(Chuckles) (Clink) (Clink) You seem to be adjusting okay to your new life.
Hey.
Need a word.
Sure.
Are you okay? Sure.
Is everything all sorted with, you know, dead people? Yeah, yeah.
You just worry about your side of things.
Well, my side of things is awesome actually.
No problems there.
Okay.
It's all cool, Mike.
Gaia is nothing like Helen who was kind of skanky, to be honest.
And she is totally not into Anders.
(Laughs) Yeah, yeah, I got that.
There are two sides to our lives, Mike.
God side, normal side.
And me and Gaia are sticking with the normal side right now.
Screw all that other stuff.
I'm out of it.
Okay.
As long as you're sure about that.
Actually I am.
Yeah.
I'm really, really sure.
(Soft acoustic music) You awake? Sort of.
You know, when I left the bar before You mean when you left me with Michelle, who was really rude to Zeb and totally weird to me? Yeah, sorry.
But I had to buy something in a hurry.
Mm.
This.
I know that after the, you know, Frigg thing we did, (Unclear) I kind of freaked out a bit.
But I know now, Gaia.
I know for sure that I truly do love you.
And, um Will you marry me? It's not much to look at but we can get a bigger one when I've got some money.
No.
- No? - No, I mean let's not buy another one.
It's perfect.
So, yes.
Fits and everything.
(Vocalizing) (Footsteps) (Exhaling) Hey, how you doing? (Rustling) (Groaning) Fuck, I hate this place! I thought you liked Bohemian Hedonist décor.
It is one step, barely, above the squalor that is Axl's place.
Ah, it's not that bad.
Okay, it might be a little guy space for you, but we can change that.
By demolishing it.
Yes.
By adding a few shelves.
We'll do up the kitchen area a bit.
Okay, right there I do not live in a space that has a kitchen "area".
I live where there is a kitchen.
If you want me to live with you, Mike, you need to live in an actual living space.
You could always move back to your place.
You know I've got a tenant in.
But you do want to live with me.
Of course I do.
Just not like this.
This place could be a great apartment.
We could do it up together.
I can't afford it right now.
Mike, you have a power linking you to money.
To winning money.
If I had your power I would be living in a fucking penthouse.
(Rustling) (Creaking) Oh, okay, you're up.
That's good, because the landlord will be here soon and I was afraid what she'd actually be inspecting.
On the other hand, the landlord will be here soon.
Put some clothes on.
- We have some news.
- Can it be clothes-on news? (Imitating explosion) (Giggling) Can Odin and Idun get engaged? Axl and Gaia did.
Can you not just be happy for us? I am happy for you.
I'm always happy for you.
Congratulations! (Groaning) (Knocking on door) Oh no! Clothes, clothes, clothes! Mrs.
Kwan! You are not Mrs.
Kwan.
My mom doesn't like the way this house smells, so she sent me.
- Oh.
Uh, you better come in.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Ignore them.
They're celebrating their engagement.
- Oh, congratulations.
- Thanks.
Wow, that's a really tiny diamond.
Okay, flat inspection; you will find that apart from one minor thing everything is all good.
There is absolutely nothing to worry about.
There's a tree in your couch.
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, there is.
It's an art installation.
I'm an artist.
Gaia's an artist and she made this installation.
- To be installed.
- Yes, installed.
- Uh, elsewhere.
- Not here.
No, it won't be-- It'll be Away.
From here.
Whatever.
This is for you.
Rent's going up.
Eh? What? You can't do that.
(Chuckling) Yeah, we can.
Cool tree.
- But we pay heaps already.
- We need to start telling people.
- I better go call Bryn.
- Okay, I know where I'm going to start.
- Oh, good.
Midmorning.
- Hilarious, Dawn.
Is there a particular reason why your brother Ty was jogging past my house this morning? (Sighs) He jogs everywhere.
He likes to jog everywhere all the time.
- Does he live near me? - He jogs vast distances.
He's one of those fit people, you know? And, you know, it keeps the blood flowing to his unfeasibly large organ.
(Cell phone chiming) - Hi, Axl.
- Hello, Anders.
- What can I do for you? - I just wanted to let you know that Gaia and I are getting married.
Oh, well wow.
Um, - congratulations.
- Yeah, we got engaged last night.
I'm happy for you both.
Thanks.
We thought we might have celebratory drinks at Mike's.
Of course.
Where else? We'd love it if you could be there.
- And I'd love to be there.
- Excellent.
See you there.
You want me to change my world, I'll do the best I can but on my limited means.
Oh, cry me a river.
(Cell phone chimes) Hello, Axl.
Guess what You and Gaia are engaged.
Yeah.
How did you know? You turned it into a guessing game.
Oh yeah.
Surprise.
Not.
Congratulations.
Guess what the other surprise is.
Yep.
I'll shout you drinks.
Choice.
(Beeping) - Stacey, hi.
- Hi, Gaia.
Uh, I'm just calling to tell you that (Giggling) Axl and I are engaged.
Whoa.
You and Axl a engaged.
Go, you guys.
We're going to have drinks at Mike's later to celebrate after work.
Sweet.
Do you think you could tell Ingrid? I can do that.
- Congratulations and all that.
- Thanks.
Oh dear.
Not good.
(Phone ringing) (Grunts) Hello? - Hi, Gramps.
Guess what.
- You're engaged.
Yeah.
Is it like an oracle thing that you know? Yes, because sometimes an oracle's job is to take the fun out of your life.
Hey! Congratulations, man.
That's really great news! - Axl: Really? - Yeah, of course.
Why wouldn't it be? It is.
It's just everyone else has been less than thrilled.
Forget them.
If you guys are happy, I'm happy for you.
Thanks, man.
We're having drinks later.
You should come.
- Am I allowed? - Stop.
You're starting to sound like Zeb.
(Unclear) Be there.
I will.
You got the joyous news, I see.
Yeah.
Axl seems happy.
Yeah, he does.
Hey, tell me when you became not a god anymore, was a full frontal lobotomy part of the process? No, of course not.
Why? Seriously, you did a jog-by.
You mean this morning when I happened to see Dawn.
Oh, you just happened to jog past her house.
I was out for a run.
You look fucking (unclear)! don't pretend it wasn't what it was.
What's your next trick? You going to pop out of the laundry basket with her panties in your mouth? Oh, don't be disgusting.
You're the one she thinks is disgusting, okay, with your cupcakes and your psycho stalky behaviour.
It's not stalky.
I'm just trying to create a situation where she gets used to seeing me in her world.
- Stalking.
- No, casual random encounters.
Which you engineer, and it's called stalking.
So that maybe she feels that destiny is driving us together.
Destiny's a crock of shit.
And even if it isn't, you trying to crowbar your way into Dawn's life is not destiny.
That is - That is stalking.
- I just want her to remember how much she loved me! Dawn Dawn loved me once.
All I'm trying to do is find some common ground so that maybe it can happen again.
Common ground; is that what you want? Yeah, anything.
Stay here.
- What about Axl's thing? - Dawn or Axl, Ty? Stay or go? (Sighs) Can I have a walk-in wardrobe? Yeah, I suppose so.
Can it be motorized so when I push the button the clothes come to me? Probably not.
The whole wall pushes.
And I want a rain shower, but one where the nozzles spray the water at you in unusual and unexpected places.
And under-floor heating in the bathroom and heat lamps in the ceiling.
You know I am not made of money, right? And yet in a way you could be if you came over to the dark side.
You want the dark side, you can always go back to Colin.
There's a repulsive thought.
Mike.
I love you.
But your desire to make things harder than they need to be is not your most attractive quality.
(Male announcer over intercom) I enjoy the rewards of hard work.
No you don't.
You just think you do because you have a martyr complex.
But there is nothing wrong with making things easier on yourself, Mike, and on me.
(Footsteps) Exactly what I'm talking about.
There are kids entering.
It would be unfair.
Losing's good for kids.
It builds character.
(Sighs) You need tools.
You have little money.
Here is the opportunity.
What are you scared of? That you won't win? Just now when you said you loved me was it real or the dark side talking? It was me.
You get both in the same awesome package.
(Chuckling) (Upbeat instrumental music) Sorry, no.
Sorry, no.
We have a winner.
(Honking) (Applause) (Footsteps) - What? - Dawn there's something you need to do for me right now, right this minute because it is the most important thing in your entire life.
(Jingling) Dawn loved me once.
(Giggles) An unfortunate side effect of me losing my godliness is that Dawn has wiped me from her memory banks.
I don't want us to be just friends, Dawn.
Sorry, who are you? Dawn (Thud) (Door clicks) Hi.
It's Dawn.
Hi.
Hi.
Uh-- Sorry if I'm interrupting.
No, not at all.
Um, and this is going to sound really weird, but I need to know.
I really need to know your cupcakes they are the most amazing cupcakes of my life and I'm not leaving until you show me the secret of your cupcakes.
And your 10 minutes starts now.
(Horn blows) - Helping.
- No, no, you're not.
(Thud) No, stop it! This is stuff I want.
No, it's random stuff that you're grabbing off the shelves.
(Crash) Why are you doing this? Because I have a dark side.
I'm well aware of that.
And I told you I loved you and you never told me back.
- If I tell you now, will you stop? - No! Because how will I know if you're just saying it to get me to stop harassing you? (Clattering) Oh, you can run but you can't hide, Mikkel! (Clatters) He is freakishly good at hide and seek, almost like he has a superpower.
I think it stems from his childhood.
Both his parents ran out on him and he's still trying to hide from the real world.
That's my theory anyway.
Here.
Flowers.
Girly crap.
Is that enough proof that I love you too? Roses.
Really? I saw prickly, I thought of you.
(Thud) The rest will do.
(Cheers and applause) Now the thing they never tell you in recipes is that if you want to avoid overbrowning, you need to drop the oven temperature by about 25 degrees.
- Really? - Yeah, I know it sounds weird, but trust me.
The dark pan has a bad browning effect, unless you use silicone cups, in which case no worries.
Bad browning.
Silicone cups, check.
(Chuckles) So can you finish pouring the mix? I've just got to make a quick call.
- Okay.
- Ta.
(Soft music) (Cell phone rings) You ploughed that common ground yet? Did you use your powers on Dawn? Of course I did.
You know I hate it when you do that.
All I did was motivate her to your door so you could screw destiny and Dawn, in kind of a threesome.
(Sighs)(Sighs) (Clicks) Is that okay? Not too full.
Perfect.
Okay.
Put these in here.
Oh, now the icing.
More wine? Sure.
Now, what do we fancy? Open star, closed star or French? Whatever gets the most icing onto the cupcake works for me.
(Chuckles) Woman after my own heart.
(Soft ominous music) (Thuds) (Shouting) ssss(Shivering) This is the best bit.
I have to go.
(Clinks) (Footsteps) (Door clicks) (Conversation din) Hold it.
- Hi there.
- We need to talk.
- Do we? - Yes.
- And we need to talk.
- Sure, can it wait? - Where's Mike? - He's upstairs with Michele.
You don't want to make the mistake of going up there, and no, it can't wait.
You come with me now.
- And you with me.
- Why can't we stay here? What is going on? First of all, you need to know, I have nothing against love.
I love love.
All squishy and yummy.
And it is fab that you and Gaia are in love.
Up to a point.
Up to the point where it will never, ever work.
Don't start this again.
Please, stop.
All that god stuff doesn't mean anything to us.
We just want to live our lives in this world.
And you can do that, up to a point.
Up to the point where you'll be living a lie every second of every day you're together.
You will be with Axl but in your soul you'll always crave Bragi.
Do you want that, Axl? To be with a woman who can never desire you the way she desires another man? - But she hates Anders.
- I despise him in so many ways.
And I have absolutely no problem if I never see him again for the rest of my life.
You guys are wrong.
From what I hear, you're wrong most of the time.
Yeah, but we are most definitely right about this and you know it.
You know deep inside there's something not working between you and Gaia.
It's not the same anymore, is it, Gaia? When you look at Axl, when he touches you, it doesn't feel right anymore, does it? That's bullshit, man.
What about the tree, eh? What about the tree she made in our flat? - That's a sign if ever I saw one.
- Axl the powers of Idun are subtle and sophisticated.
Growing an actual tree in an actual couch is the subconscious act of a child, desperately trying to hang onto something he knows is slipping away from him by creating his very own garden of Eden, where they can be happy together.
You grew the tree, Axl, not Gaia.
I just assumed it was me.
The apples of Idun are always green.
He even got the colour wrong.
You can grow an orchard of trees if you like, Axl.
But it won't change the fact that what you're fighting is much bigger than you.
It's way bigger than both of you.
I'm sorry, Axl.
No.
I'm Odin.
I can beat this.
I'm so sorry.
What am I meant to do? You can only do what you're meant to do.
(Click)(Soft rock music) Gaia? (Click) Hey, man.
- Hey, man.
- (Muffled) I got to lie down.
Night, man.
(Moaning) (Grunts) (Snap) (Grunts) (Grunts)s (Moaning)