The Carmichael Show (2015) s03e01 Episode Script

1 The Carmichael Show is taped in front of a live studio audience.
Man, this girl still ain't text me back.
It's probably 'cause you're unemployed, you live with your ex-wife and you owe Bank of America $35,000.
Jerrod, I told you.
Stop being so honest with Bobby.
He's not strong enough.
Bobby, you beautiful.
Bobby, just give her some time.
I mean, the date was just last night.
See, that's the problem with technology.
You sitting here waiting for this woman to text you back.
In my day, you just park in front of a woman's house and you stay there.
He did, he did that.
Your daddy wouldn't leave for nothing.
I'm glad you're back in the dating game, Bobby.
I wanted to win the divorce, but I never wanted it to be a shutout.
I'm happy Bobby's dating, too.
See, if Bobby's getting dates, that means if me and Maxine ever break up, I'll be fine.
Oh, my God.
Maxine, calm down.
I hardly ever think about breaking up with you.
No, no, I just read that this girl, Sara, I used to work with was raped.
Oh, wow.
That was not what I was expecting.
Sorry to hear that, Maxine.
Oh, that's just terrible.
It happened last year.
I guess she's just started talking about it.
Poor girl.
Well, what happened to the guy? Nothing, apparently.
It was his word versus hers.
See, that happens way too often.
She needs to take the justice system into her own hands.
This one time, this guy was pulling this girl into an alley, and me and my cousins took turns beating his face in.
We took his shoes and everything.
That ain't even enough.
If I was in charge, the punishment for rapers would be they'd be put in prison and raped every single day.
Then they'd be put into the halfway house where they raped every other day.
But they wouldn't get raped on holidays 'cause, you know, this still America.
It's crazy you haven't been elected to office yet.
Where are you reading all this? She posted on this Facebook hashtag called #ltHappenedToMe.
There are over 100,000 posts.
Man, rape is the worst.
Real brave stance you're taking there, Bobby.
Yeah, so, apparently, Sara went to a party where she ran into a guy she knew named Mark Henderson.
They went back to his house where they were making out on his bed.
She told him she wasn't gonna have sex with him, she only wanted to make out, but before she realized it, sex had started.
Wow.
Wait.
I-I missed the part about the rape.
Did you switch to a different story? No, that's the story.
She didn't give consent.
That's rape.
Well, maybe I'm unclear as to the definition.
What's the one where they drag somebody into a alley - and they force themselves on them? - Rape.
That's the one I was thinking of.
Look, this is clearly a very delicate subject and pretty scary stuff.
Yeah, it's terrifying.
If we just jump to conclusions, a rape accusation can really ruin a man's life.
Are you kidding me? You're worried about the man? Someone has to be, Maxine.
I mean, we just heard about this Mark Henderson guy and we were all ready to kill him, and then after a few more details of the story came out, we're not necessarily sure if he did anything wrong.
Like, nothing about that bothers you? No, we do know that he did something wrong.
Sara didn't give him consent.
That's assault.
Well, that's her version of the story.
We don't know his version.
Okay, well, Sara is one of the most reliable people that I know.
Oh, my bad.
I didn't know she was one of the most reliable people you know.
Oh, in that case, let's lock him up.
Let's send him to Dad's rape prison.
Look, this is exactly why you should get a verbal yes for consent.
Then there are no questions.
"A verbal yes"? (laughs) That's not the rules for sex.
That's the rules for emergency exit row seating.
No, a woman should never say yes verbally.
I mean, if a man wants sex and a woman says, "Yes," out loud, well, that just makes her a dirty whore.
I don't know.
I think I'm with Jerrod on this one.
I mean, it's confusing, Maxine.
What if you meet a woman who has a rape fantasy and she says, "No matter how many times I say no, keep on going.
" Now, how do you know if you've gone too far or if you just making a woman's dreams come true? Well, if you guys have decided to role-play a rape fantasy, then that is consent and a safe word should be established.
Mike Pence.
That's my safe word.
If you hear "Mike Pence," you've gone too far for Nekeisha.
Well, uh, now, what if both of y'all are so drunk you in no condition to give consent? Does that mean you raped each other? Okay, how about this? What if I fall asleep in a short skirt on a bus? Should someone be allowed to have sex with me while I'm passed out? Well of course not, but-but, see Okay, so what if I was drunk? Should someone be allowed to do whatever they want? No, but Okay, so in a perfect world, a woman should be able to be black-out drunk, break into someone's house, pass out, and still not have to worry about being sexually assaulted.
What are you doing drunk on the bus, Maxine? MAXINE: I'm just saying that it shouldn't all be on women to stay safe.
We should be teaching our sons not to rape, to get a verbal yes every step of the way.
All right.
So, if a guy had a drunk hookup with a girl last night, and he doesn't remember verbally getting a yes, could that guy be a raper? Yes.
Thank you, Bobby.
Finally, someone understands what I'm saying.
Oh, Lord.
What's wrong, Bobby? Mama, I might be a raper.
Oh, sweet shepherd of Jesus! You a raper?! Bobby, I didn't raise you to be no raper.
Hold on, everybody.
Before we go any further, the correct word is rapist.
Oh, my God.
Am I a monster? Bobby, look me in my eyes and be honest.
Did you rape that girl? I don't think so.
I believe you.
Come on, y'all, everything's okay.
But I don't know for sure.
Bobby, what makes you think this is even possible? Look, I wouldn't intentionally hurt a woman, and I always go with no means no, but I've never thought of consent the way you talk about it.
JERROD: Bobby.
What are you talking about? You didn't do anything wrong.
At any point during the night, did she ever say no to sex? - Oh, yeah.
- Wait, what? - But it wasn't during sex.
- Oh.
You know, she-she did that thing that girls do, you know, before the start of a date, where they let you know that they're definitely not having sex with you tonight.
They still doing that? So how did you two end up sleeping together? Well, I mean, we had a few drinks, you know, and dinner was fun.
And I went to put her in an Uber, and she was like, "I'm not tired," so she said she'll come back to my place and watch a movie.
Oh, she said she was gonna come back to your place to watch a movie, well, there's consent right there.
- You think so? - No! Come on, Maxine, just let my son not be a rapist.
I'm not saying that he did anything wrong.
And he's the one questioning himself.
And I actually think that it's pretty admirable that he even cares to try and see this from the woman's point of view.
I just never thought I'd need to hear the word "yes.
" I mean, at one point I thought she yelled out, "Don't stop.
" Or maybe it was just, "Don't.
Stop!" Son, that's a very important pause.
Well, have you, have you talked to her? No, she hasn't answered any of my texts.
Oh, man, you don't think that's why? Rape or no rape, I think it's rude not to return a text.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Bobby, there's no way you did anything.
You're not a rapist, you're a sweet guy, You're caring, and considerate, and you got asthma, and you can't see without your glasses.
- You can't keep a secret.
- Mm-hmm.
And you got no grip.
Almost any woman could get away from you 'cause you got these weak-ass arms.
Thanks, guys.
I really appreciate that, but Maxine's new rules on consent really got me thinking.
You know, asking men to treat women with respect isn't some new rule that I made up.
Well, I had never heard of it before.
I'm just saying that there should never be any doubt.
You should get clear consent and hear her say "yes.
" I don't know.
Not letting any of these men touch us until we get a verbal "yes," could take some of the fun out of sex.
I don't want to share too much, but I like to get choked and pinned down sometimes.
Nekeisha, I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but you already told us that.
But let's not pretend that you and I ask for permission every step of the way.
Yeah, that's because there's no surprises with you, you do the same thing in the same order every single time.
Maxine, have a little class, okay? We're in front of my family.
Let's stay on the subject.
We're talking about rape.
Uh, I know this is an awkward time to to say this, but I ordered an Uber before this conversation even started, and if I don't leave now I'm gonna have to pay for it, so I'm out.
God, I can't believe she hasn't answered my texts.
Bobby, you're really overthinking this whole thing.
Why are you saying that he's overthinking this? Maybe a little caution when it comes to sex would be a good thing.
It would be great if men had to think about rape as much as women do.
Maxine, are you kidding me? When I was single, I thought about rape accusations constantly.
That's why I was so nice to girls all the time.
Opening doors and stuff.
Really, that's all chivalry is, it's just a man trying to show a woman how much he's not a rapist.
I read somewhere that Justin Bieber makes everybody he sleeps with sign a consent waiver.
That is so sad, a young pop star can't even enjoy a gratuitous amount of casual sex anymore.
Man, I should've got her to sign something? I don't even have a printer.
I mean, it's not a bad idea.
Really, being falsely accused of rape is as bad as being raped.
What? How could you possibly say a dumb thing like that? You can't compare being accused to being mentally - and physically assaulted, Jerrod.
- True, true.
But if you're accused, your life is over.
Yeah, ever since I accused myself, I've been devastated.
That is not true, Jerrod.
Um, Kobe Bryant, Nate Parker, Ben Roethlisberger.
None of their careers have been affected.
Roman Polanski, Julian Assange.
CeeLo Green.
JERROD: Yeah, okay.
Sure, but those accusations will follow them for the rest of their lives because rape is the worst crime.
Well, what about murder? That's pretty bad when you think about it.
Sure, but murder can be justified, or even celebrated in a certain context.
There's never been a movie where the terrorists surrender and the audience cheers because Mark Wahlberg raped the bad guys just in the nick of time.
Jerrod, a man who bragged about sexually assaulting women, and then dismissed it as "locker room talk" was elected as the president of the United States.
Clearly we don't take it seriously enough.
BOBBY: Damn.
You can brag about sexual assault and become president.
I don't know if I should be horrified or inspired.
Everybody, that's enough.
Now, we have done nothing but talk about rape, rape, rape, rape, rape.
(whoops) Who wants ice cream? You know what, Maxine, my mom is right.
Let's just drop it, all right? I'll make you a sundae.
Oh, thank you.
Uh, do you want one scoop or two? One.
Okay, 'cause I know, like, usually you want one, but occasionally two, and I just want to be sure before I do anything.
One.
Okay.
Oh, Maxine, sprinkles? Mm-hmm.
I'm-I'm sorry, is that a yes? 'Cause I need to hear a verbal "yes.
" I-I don't want to make any assumptions about what you want going in your body.
Are you really mocking me right now? Yeah, Jerrod.
Are you trying to mock us? - This is serious.
- No.
No, no, I'm just doing what you said, Maxine.
Making things crystal clear.
Okay, you know, you're worried about accusations, Bobby's worried that he may have accidentally assaulted somebody.
You know how you fix all that? You communicate with your partner.
It's very simple.
Watch.
You are a dick.
I'm taking the car.
Good night.
I think we all have to give her that one.
Bobby, I hate to see you like this.
You hardly even touched your ice cream.
Are you okay? No, I'm trying to put together the pieces from last night.
We were both so drunk.
And I remember that she hurried off at the end of the night.
And she still hasn't answered any of my texts.
Well, did you check her social media? Yeah, she hasn't posted all day.
Well, that's not normal.
I mean, even I posted a picture of the ice cream on Facebook.
You got to you got to read what I wrote about it.
I said, "Coolin' out with my family.
" Oh, Joe, that's so clever.
T-Tag me in that so Sylvia can see how much fun we're having over here.
BOBBY: Uh-oh.
Oh, did she post something? Yep.
"Trying to forget about last night, but I can't.
Need good energy right now.
" I got to talk to her.
Bobby.
Bobby, what are you doing? You're-you're gonna go find this girl and ask her what? I don't know.
I just need answers.
Son, you gonna show up at this woman's house unannounced and ask her if you raped her? Are you trying to get a restraining order? Look, Dad, she's clearly upset about something.
I need to make sure I didn't do anything to hurt this girl.
Bobby, I know how you were raised.
You are a sweet boy.
You wouldn't even rape a fly.
Now, come on, don't do this.
But Mama, you always told me to own up to my mistakes.
Bobby, if you go over there, you're gonna be asking her a very real question and you have to be ready for a very real answer.
I know, and-and whatever she says, at least my conscience will be clear and I've owned up to whatever I did.
Now, the only thing worse than being the type of guy that does something like this is being the guy that tries to get away with it.
All right, man, if you feel that way, then maybe you should go.
Thanks, Jerrod.
Come on, let's go to your place.
But wait-wait, w-why my place? She lives in your building.
You you maybe raped my neighbor? I mean, Jerrod, where am I supposed to go to meet girls at? Okay? I'm always here or at your place.
Come on, Jerrod.
I can't do this by myself.
I'm nervous.
You know, we don't have to do this.
No, man, I'm ready, you know? Let's just go up there and talk oh, God, she's coming.
I'm not ready.
Hi.
Bobby? (chuckles) H-hey, Natalie.
What are you doing here? Well, um, Natalie, I mean, um (clears throat) I'm sorry I raped you.
Hey, I'm Jerrod.
I'm just here to make sure everybody feels safe.
What are you talking about? Well, last night, you said you didn't want to have sex, and then we did, but did I ever get a verbal yes? No.
Well, I'm sorry to tell you this, it means I raped you.
Bobby, you did not.
Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
Bobby, what are you trying to talk her into? Did you really come down here with another guy to explain to a woman what rape is? Well, it sounds bad when you say it like that.
Bobby, I wanted to sleep with you.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes! (exhales) So, how do you like the building? You know something, Natalie? You know, next time, we just got to do a better job at communicating.
(chuckles) Bobby, I don't think there's gonna be a next time.
Wait, what? How-how come? I can think of a couple reasons.
Look, Bobby, it was a fine date, but I just don't think we connected.
What are you talking about? We got so much in common.
No, I don't mean that.
I just mean What? Physically, it was you know? Nah.
I don't think I do know, nah.
- Bobby, don't - (stammers) What are you trying to say? Bobby, the sex was bad, all right? Oh, okay.
You know, that's what's up.
Yeah.
Sorry.
And the tweet earlier? I was ashamed.
Okeydoke.
You know I mean, I'm not a rapist.
But I'm bad at sex.
This moment is really bittersweet.
Natalie, one last question.
What exactly about the sex was bad? Well, I just don't think you were aggressive enough.
Huh.
Jerrod, it is impossible to describe how I'm feeling right now.
You don't have to pretend to be asleep, Maxine.
You were right about consent.
I'm awake.
I just watched a man try and tell a woman that he raped her and her response was, "No, you didn't.
You're just bad at sex.
" So, if the choice is to communicate before or after, before is definitely the way to go.
Well, thank you for acknowledging that.
That is all I wanted.
But I can't believe you guys actually let Bobby go over there.
He showed up at a woman's house and asked if he raped her? Was he trying to get a restraining order? Oh, he tried his hardest.
Also, the girl lives in our building, - so we might have to move.
- What? So we good? Yeah, we're good.
Cool.
Um, may I lie next to you? Yes.
May I kiss you? Yes.
Left hand, right thigh? Come on.
- Get under the covers.
- (laughs) Consensual sex is fun.
It's kind of like playing Twister.
(laughs) Hey, maybe tonight's the night we finally Mike Pence.
Okay, that's why we ask.
Well, I'm relieved to hear that, Bobby.
But why didn't she answer your text messages? She was afraid of how attached she was getting.
Matter of fact, she said, and I quote, "Bobby, you've made me feel "like no man's ever made me feel before.
"I almost got your name tattooed on my shoulder.
"And that's why we can never be because I can't handle the emotions.
" She said all of that? Yep.
Word for word, Mama.
Good news.
Bobby, you didn't rape her.
I got a friend that knows Natalie and she said you're just bad at sex.