The Cleveland Show s03e01 Episode Script

My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Hey, fellas.
Mind signing this get-well card? Sure.
Who's it for? It's for me.
You were sick? Wha? Yes, I was sick.
I had a temperature of 99.
4.
The doctor said, if I had been born in the 1800s, it could have been fatal.
Where do you think I've been all week? I don't know.
Mustache camp? That's in June.
You know that.
Oh, sorry, Cleveland.
We we were just so, uh, busy with, uh, Peter Griffin being in town, you know.
Animation Domination's Peter Griffin was here?! Yep.
Said when he came down here for the Beer Walk last year, he left his daughter, so Gus had to give her back.
She'd been in the lost and found box for over a week, so I figured I could have her.
Peter didn't call you? No.
Did he ask about me? Well, he-he spoke generally about black people.
You know, maybe we should just leave it at that.
How queer.
Peter's my best friend.
Why would he not call me? He-he probably just didn't have the time.
He was only here for four days.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in my sad sack.
Ow.
Rorta, you got something from Unilab! Give me that! Whoo-hoo! Rallo, you got a letter.
Does it say "Rallo Tubbs" or "Resident?" 'Cause that bit's getting pretty tired.
It's from Ms.
Gregg, your old day care teacher.
Cyndi's writing me? Probably asking for more money.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I can't read.
"Dear Rallo, you are cordially invited "to attend the two-year reunion of your day care graduation.
" Reunion already? Dang, I thought I'd be a fireman by now.
Maybe I'll just lie and say I am.
I know I got a hat around here someplace.
"Please RSVP with your meal preference of beef, chicken or pasketti.
" Ooh, Rallo, looks like you're getting a bath.
Thank God.
I've asked you four times this week.
I'm itchy, Mama.
Call Peter.
Mobile.
Hands free.
Safer.
FEMALE VOICE Please enjoy the music while your party is reached.
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a, bir bird, b-bird's the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird B-bird's the word A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, well, the bird is the word Okay.
Well, don't you know about the bird? Well, Peter's gonna tell you about the bird A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word We're sorry.
Dick Poop Is not available.
Please leave a message after the tone.
'Sup? Cleve again.
I was just calling to see if you got my other messages or e-mails or tweets or pokes.
So, uh, you know, just call, e-mail, tweet or poke me when you get a chance.
Peace! Donna, I just don't understand.
Why didn't Peter call when he was in town? He and I were BFFs.
Black and fat friends? Yep.
We even got these tattoos.
I'm sorry, baby.
But Stoolbend is your home now, and you've got great friends here.
More than me.
I've lived here my whole life, and I don't have any friends.
Seriously.
Name one friend of mine.
I can't.
While you're at it, name one friend of Marge Simpson's.
Can't do it.
Or Lois Griffin's.
Nope.
Francine Smith? Who? See? So you should be happy with the friends you've got now and not worry about those guys back in Rhode Island.
You're right, Donna.
But I'm not taking advice from a woman with no friends.
Peter Griffin is my best friend, and I'm going to get him back.
Rallo! 'Sup, fellas? Aw, who let this paste-eating S.
O.
B.
in here? What you been up to, man? Oh, Byron's been very busy.
Tell Rallo what you learned today.
Uno, due, tre, quattro, cinque Ha! That's awesome.
Blooba, gooba, chunka, flunka, Willy Wonka, chocolate bar! No, Rallo.
Byron's speaking Italian.
You know the best time to learn a language is when you're young.
I am learning a language.
It's called English.
And it's dibbicult.
So, you've all got your kids in language classes? And sculpting.
Central American folk dance.
Eco-awareness.
Eco-American folk sculpting.
I don't even own a TV.
Well, I was thinking of signing Rallo up for T-ball, but I missed the deadline.
Well, then, I guess we won't be seeing him at Junior Quiz Bowl.
What's Junior Quiz Bowl? It's a friendly competition among five- to seven-year-old children that proves which mothers are the best.
Oh, Rallo would be great at Quiz Bowl.
He's very gifted.
Mama, check it out! This bean dip looks like diarrhea! Hey, get back.
Get back! Go to your crate! Brian, go to your crate! I don't have a crate.
I've never had a crate.
You should.
You'd feel safe there.
Who is it, Stewie? Some black guy.
Oh.
we don't want any candy bars.
Or magazines.
Brian, it's Cleveland.
Oh.
Hi, Cleveland.
Has he been canceled already? He doesn't just get to come back.
Is Peter home? He is It's Cleveland.
Not.
Did he say when he'd be back? No uh, vember.
Peter! Come on, come on! Peter, it's Cleveland.
Hello! Peter, I'm standing right here! Oh, hey, Cleveland.
Yeah, I I didn't see you there.
How's, uh how's Loretta? You killed her.
Right, right, right.
Business good? How's the, uh magic shop? Cable installing.
Fine.
Thank you for asking.
Peter, why didn't you call me when you were in town last week? Yeah, uh, my phone died of AIDS.
AIDS is no longer a death sentence.
Look, I'm sorry.
I-I would have called, but I didn't want to.
You moved away, and I moved on, and so should you.
But I thought we were friends.
We were neighbors and drinking buddies.
We weren't friends.
Wha? Not friends? Bye.
Geez, buddy, let it go.
Have some dignity.
Sorry about what happened with Peter, Cleveland, but, uh, I can't say I'm surprised.
I only spent a few days with the guy, and he you know, he's funny and all, but, man, what a what a B-hole.
Agreed.
He's a close sitter.
Lot of leg on leg.
Also does not care for the Jews.
But then he bought it all back by farting on a pizza.
That's not even a topping.
Very clever.
Very clever.
All true, but I thought he was my friend.
Now I'm wondering if maybe you guys aren't my friends, either.
You bite your tongue, or I'll bite it for you.
Holt, boundaries.
But I do want us all to be closer.
Maybe we need to do something special together.
So how do men bond? Let me search it on my Pad.
You are such a douche.
"Male bonding.
" Man, those guys are cut.
Muscular, too.
Give me that pointless thing.
Oh, here's a friendship camp sponsored by "Nature Boy" Ric Flair.
I'm "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair.
Whoo! Let me tell you, there are three things I know: divorce, wrestling and enduring male friendship.
Whoo! Now, that is what a man looks like.
So if you want to be lifelong friends, join me on "Nature Boy" Ric Flair's Male Bonding Nature Trail.
Whoo! That sounds perfect.
Do you think he'd come to Stoolbend? I'm already here.
Whoo! So how does this work? Whoo! A river trip? Whoo! To the Stoolbend Springs? Whoo! Sorry.
Stoolbend Hot Springs? Sounds great! That's one idea.
Here's here's another way to go.
Uh, I'm just spit-balling here, but how about we stay here, drink a bunch of beers and leave one by one without ever really saying good-bye to each other? Yeah.
No.
No.
We're in.
We're all in.
Whoo! I don't want to spend my Saturday with a tutor.
Why do I need to be in that stupid Quiz Bowl anyway? 'Cause Mama never got her mama's approval, and now she seeks it from every woman she meets.
Now, get in there! What's with the Uggs, Tim? They said they said, "Buy boots.
" I don't know.
Where is that Pad-bustin' son of a bitch? We had a rule in grad school.
If the professor was ten minutes te, we could leave.
You went to grad Whoo! Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo! Are you guys ready to be lifelong friends? Yes, Mr.
"Nature Boy" Ric Flair, we are.
Good.
Now, put on your wigs and have fun in your canoooooe! You know what, Cleveland, you-you were right.
Maybe nature doesn't suck a huge bag of butt.
This is peace Goose! Lice! All birds have lice! Hand me the goose repellent! My tooths! Help us, Mr.
Flippers! How was math class, Rallo? Boring.
So we played poker.
I'm 47, never learned how.
Your son is an excellent tutor.
That'll be $200 for the hour.
I got this, Mama.
We're still a buck-40 up.
They were gambling? I don't know where he would have learned to play poker.
Oh, yeah, you don't have any id I think I'll be handling Rallo's tutoring myself.
Donna, I just hope you're taking this seriously.
Quiz Bowl is not a game.
Well, technically, it is a game.
Deedee, you took my husband; is that not enough? Well, this seems as good a place as any to die.
Uh, y-you guys go ahead.
I'm-I'm going to sit with Holt until he dies so I can, you know, eat him.
Don't worry, I'll eat them, too.
You're just the amuse-bouche.
Listen to me.
Who needs food when we have our friendship to sustain us? Yeah, well, sustain this, he said, too tired to grab his wang.
Just because your fat friend didn't call you, we're gonna die in the woods.
You're on your own.
Come on, snack pack.
Oh.
Nobody's going nowhere.
Oh, thank God, a local! We found these by the river.
Our wigs! Put them on.
Now, which one of you wants to be my first girlfriend? What'd he say? Okay, Cleveland, here's the plan.
Since you're the one who got us into this, you pull down your pants, and while they're taking turns with you, we'll run away.
That's fair.
Wait a minute.
That's what they meant by "girlfriend"?! I thought we were gonna wear their lettermen jackets! Run! Out of my way.
Dude, run much? What a, uh, cluster cluck.
One of them got away.
Which one? The one in the yellow shirt.
Huh? You know, th-the guy with the moustache.
He's right here.
No, the heavyset The black gentleman.
Ho, ho! Let's leave race out of it.
Leave rape out of it? No, no, I said "race.
" Can you imagine if we left rape out of it? Classic.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That was so scary.
A little pee came out.
But it's not that noticeable.
If you just glanced at it, you might think I spilled a soda.
Everyone okay? Guys? Guys? Oh, no! The rednecks got them! Oh, their bottoms.
Their poor, poor bottoms.
Oh, okay, think.
Congratulations, Cleveland.
Whoo! I made it! I completed the Friendship Adventure! Hooray! But there's no time for this right now.
I have to save my-- oh, lower back.
You got massage tables here? A little lower.
Oh, there you go.
Oh, yeah.
No one's ever saved their friends with a tight lower back.
Could you spend the last ten minutes on the feet? Cleveland.
Right! I'm off to save my friends.
Cucumber water.
So, uh, Lester, w-what, uh, what can we expect from this? I don't know.
I'm not usually on the Ned Beatty side of this situation.
Best I can guess is ouchie in the boom-boom.
Guys, it's me.
I've come back to save you.
Cleveland, thank God you're-- Wow, look at your skin.
You're radiant.
Yeah, you look really relaxed.
Well, a seaweed wrap will do that for you.
You know, you guys should take better care of yourselves.
Well, I'm not sure you picked the best scenario to walk in looking your most attractive.
You can't do anything to me I haven't already done to myself.
Quiz Bowl today, Quiz Bowl today That's what the sign said, Quiz Bowl today.
He's got what Radio had.
Greetings, you big bunch of query fans.
I'm Wally Farquhar, the Bowlmaster.
Not to be confused with the toilet cleanser of the same name.
Our first category today is Ornithology.
Stoolbend goes first.
Kyle, name the bird that makes this call.
The sulphur-crested cockatoo.
Correct-a-roonie-o! You see that, Donna? That reflects on me! I bet Wally's seen a cockatoo.
Goochland Science is next.
The topic: Napoleonic Cryptography.
Who deciphered? Sir George Scovell.
Sir right! Next one goes to Rallo of Stoolbend.
Rallo, your topic is Boobies and Wieners.
Yes! I got this.
I'm sorry, I read that wrong.
It's 17th Century European Metalworking.
What? The question is: Name the metalworking process practiced by Sir Basil Brooke at the Coalbrookdale ironworks in Shropshire.
Oh, why don't you just give it to him! Uh uh He's gonna blow it.
He's not ready for this.
You don't know, do you? You're right! I don't know! But I'll tell you what I do know.
I know how to change the tire on my Big Wheel, how to tip a host to get a table by the skee ball.
I know y don't ask a man what he makes in allowance.
I know never to buy property in Detroit.
I can take a punch and I can throw a punch.
I know never to bet on the Golden State Warriors, 'cause they don't play no defense.
And most important, I know how to treat a lady.
Do you, Wally? I know menstruating women cause fruits and vegetables to spoil.
Damn, Wally.
What's wrong with you? Look, Mama, I'm sorry.
I'm not one of these kids and I'm never gonna be.
You know, it probably was my fault, too, for pushing you too hard.
That's all right.
Let's go home.
I'll make you a dry martini.
Mmm, you do make 'em dry.
Y'all's a bunch of bitches.
Later, nerds.
Guys, I'm sorry I wanted to be friends with you.
Male friendship is not about emotions.
I get that now and feel nothing about it.
You're up.
The, uh, curlier-haired individual.
You're making it worse.
Can we at least have a drink and get to know each other a little? I'll go first.
I'm an Aries, and I ate a bunch of glass that's about to come out.
Now you go.
But-but you don't want me.
I'm frigid! I'm just gonna lie there! I kiss like a cat! Peter! Leggo my Neggro.
Looks like it's four against one.
Four against two.
Thanks for your help, Monkey.
Rip their faces and nuts off.
Thanks, Peter.
How did you know we were here? Well, I felt bad after you left Quahog, so I called your house.
Your wife said you were doing a friendship thing in the woods, and I immediately thought, well, this is going to end in hillbilly rape, so I tracked you down and here I am.
But I thought you didn't want to be my friend anymore.
Well, as soon as you left, I started really intense psychotherapy with that gay guy in town who has, like, a thousand jobs.
They once said his name was Bruce.
Right.
So, apparently, I have abandonment issues stemming from my relationship with my father, blah, blah, blah, ticking time bomb, so I pushed you away before you could do it to me.
But I would never do that.
We're BFFs.
I'm sorry, Cleveland.
You're my friend.
You always have been.
And I know deep down in my heart, I still love you.
See, Cleveland, that's the difference between our two shows.
On our show, we would have shown the rape and had a show tune about the rape.
And I would have just been the black guy.