The Conners (2018) s03e01 Episode Script

1 - Hold it right there! - [Sighs.]
Well, Sheriff, I hear you're pretty fast with that there thermometer gun.
But someday, somebody's gonna come along what's gonna be faster.
You say that every day, and I still don't know what it means.
Don't move! [Thermometer beeping.]
Okay, it's normal.
You passed the first test.
Are you coughing, sneezing, or experiencing diarrhea? Exactly in that order? No.
Move it or lose it.
Harris.
You're in my easy-to-reach-a-beer spot.
Sorry.
Last chair.
Tell little psycho boy to stop making us eat six feet apart, and you could sit on the beer if you want.
[Thermometer beeping.]
Uh-oh.
Mom, you're 99.
Can you smell this? I-I don't want to smell it.
It's bad enough I have to eat it.
Excuse me! Does anyone want to socially distance their asses so I can come back in the room? If not, can I please have another serving of mashed potatoes? Thank you! Oh! Damn it! Oh, don't worry! I'll eat it! Too good to go to waste.
You know, the best part about this damn pandemic is having you in our bubble cooking for us.
That's the best thing? You know what I mean.
Becky, take my spot.
I can't eat and watch that.
Dibs! So, Dad, have you heard anything from the bank? I mean, they can't take our house during COVID, can they? They're so busy repossessing other houses, maybe they'll forget about us.
[Chuckling.]
Yeah! They have their pick.
Hey, should we grab that four-bedroom Cape Cod or Tobacco Road over there with the chicken coop out back? Is Mark here? I saw you ride up on your bike.
Show me your test.
Here.
See? Negative! That's last week's test.
Oh, for pity's sake.
I'll just leave.
I'm in! You delivered food to dozens of people.
You have to go! I eat disinfectant, and I crap sanitizer.
Do your worst or get out of my way, junior.
What's that? Tony's Falafels closed, so he had an inventory sale in his parking lot.
Hummus, olives, chickpeas, grape leaves.
Sounds like what animals eat to become food.
Man, restaurants are dropping like flies.
I'm not letting anything happen to The Lunch Box.
I've bailed on too many careers.
I was a cop, I was a trucker.
I got shot, I quit.
Fell asleep at the wheel, I quit.
And by the way, I fell asleep at the wheel as a cop, and I got shot as a trucker.
Oh, my stars and garters! Wellman Plastics is reopening, hiring 200 people! Hmm.
Isn't that where you and Roseanne used to work, Jackie? Yep.
Look, it says they're making up for the plastics slowdown out of China.
[Laughs.]
Game over, China! I remember visiting you guys at work and watching you robotically doing the same job over and over and thinking, "Wow.
It must really suck to be an adult.
" And it does.
It's gonna be a hell of a place to work, with people shoulder to shoulder on that assembly line.
It's gonna be way too easy to catch something.
Yeah.
I was too easy.
I caught something once.
From the supervisor, Booker.
But it was worth it.
He looked just like George Clooney.
So, you, uh you care to make a friendly wager? Yeah.
If I win, then you have to spend the night at my place.
I've got a 160 average, Booker.
There's no way you're gonna beat me.
All right, all right, what if you win? Then you spend the night at my place.
Sounds good.
Scrubbing my bathroom.
[Sighing.]
Ohh, man.
I shoulda hit that till I broke it.
[Knocking on door.]
Let the old guy get it.
If it's Death, I'm kissing him right on the mouth.
Ha! [Chuckling.]
Tito! Hey, neighbor.
How you doing? Man, I haven't seen you in a dog's age.
I've been in the house, you know.
I got a guy working on my roof.
I think he's trying to screw me.
So, could you look over this contract? Just help me out.
Sure thing.
Be happy to.
This is an eviction notice.
Yeah, you've been served.
You son of a bitch.
Hey, I'm I'm sorry.
I've been out of work.
I need money for hospital bills.
My My son tried to do one of those, uh, videos where he dances alongside a moving car.
Uh, he's progressing well.
Yesterday, he said "cat.
" W-Would this be the wrong time to ask for my mower back? Hold on.
It's right behind the door.
3x01 Keep on Truckin' Six Feet Apart Uh, do you know what happened to the rest of my wine? I had like half a bottle.
Oh.
Sorry, you're new.
Um, house rules "If it's red, keep it under the bed.
If it's white, who drinks half a bottle anyway?" [Refrigerator door closes.]
It's like living with bears.
Yesterday I put my plate down, went to get a napkin.
Someone ate the meat out of my sandwich.
- That's Harris.
- She's cutting back on carbs.
Are you working? Mm-hmm.
How do you do that with all this craziness in the house? Well, we're starting a magazine about criminals and shady people.
I use the family for inspiration.
And I started drinking a lot.
Your family stole my Merlot.
I want you to go out there and beat 'em up.
Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention.
If it's red I know! [Sighs.]
What's that? An eviction notice.
I got five days till the sheriff locks us out.
Well worse comes to worse, you can come stay with me.
What about the rest of the baseball team that lives here? Yeah, well I can't go anywhere.
But you know what? You're good-looking enough to get yourself a rich guy.
I am not leaving you.
No.
I meant lure him back here so we could rob him.
[Laughs.]
Hey.
Uh, I bought some vegan cheese to go with Louise's wine.
Where is it? Oh, um, well, if you give me some cheese, I'll make sure it spends some time with the wine.
I'm just glad you're liquored up, 'cause the premiere issue of Lanford Exposed just lost its last big advertiser.
You gotta be kidding me.
There's gotta be somebody else.
[Chuckling.]
No.
Businesses aren't advertising 'cause people aren't spending.
Everybody's just staying home and watching reruns of "The Nanny" and scarfing antidepressants.
I think that's just you.
I just finished that article about how banks are screwing people over just when they need help the most.
It's, like, the best thing I've ever written.
I guess we could hit up the smaller businesses, sell smaller ads, and make it up in volume.
That is such a great idea.
Yeah, and we'll double team 'em.
I'll go out there with you and knock on some doors, too.
Okay, well, that could work.
Yeah, and the mask will hide your general contempt for humanity.
Okay! Ready for more deliveries.
You can't make all those deliveries by yourself.
Well, who else is gonna do it? We can't afford a delivery service.
And besides, my calves are getting to be like steel cables.
Thanks, Emilio.
How come the bags are all stapled closed? Oh, because the delivery person keeps eating the fries.
Customers describe her as "a greasy-mouthed woman with giant calves.
" Well, that's the problem with this country.
We're in the middle of a pandemic, and people are counting their fries.
Emilio, you shouldn't be out here.
Somebody from ICE might see you.
Do you know how long it's been since I felt the sun on my face? I'm starting to look like a white guy.
I could probably get a loan for a house right now.
We're officially married, so they're gonna have to look at my credit, too.
Ain't gonna happen.
That's okay.
Beverly Rose, you will be my sunshine.
Pick-up for Steve Weisman? Uh, it's those bags right there.
Can you grab them for me? Uh sure thing dude! I'll get it.
Uh, here you go, Officer.
- Have a great day.
- Thanks.
Oh, and by the way, the food here has gotten way better in the last few weeks.
- Oh! - Ah, yes.
That would be me.
I am the new chef.
Chaz Johnson.
Chaz Johnson.
Chaz Johnson? Why would you take a chance like that? You made me nervous.
And you're being paranoid.
I lived here for years before I met you, and I did not have a problem.
What are you talking about? You got deported! I only married you so you could come here legally in a couple years.
If they catch you here now, you'll be banned forever.
But what if I go back and they do not let me back in? They keep changing the rules.
Do you really trust this government not to do it again? No.
I guess I don't.
And you have that nice, cozy basement with my child in it.
I'm not ready to tell my family yet, and we don't need to live together.
We're not a couple! What ever happened to that nice little drunk girl I made love to in a freezer? Oh, don't romanticize it.
I had to hold on to a side of beef to keep my balance.
Dan, what the hell are you doing?! I'm working.
Well, you shouldn't be doing that alone.
Where's your crew? They went to get coffee.
All of them? Right when you need to unload drywall from the truck? They promised to bring me a Frappuccino.
Okay.
All right.
I can wait.
I gotta stretch these big boys out anyway, so 1,000 999 998 Jackie, just go! No.
Not until you tell me the truth.
I laid off my crew because I need to make all the money.
I got the eviction notice.
Oh, Dan.
I don't have time to chitchat.
I-I got I gotta work.
But you can't be doing this by yourself.
You're gonna have a heart attack! Just go! All right, fine! Fine.
Here's your lunch.
Where do you think you'll fall? Well, probably straight back, hand clutches the heart, the other one goes out, so I guess right about there.
Ohh.
Hey, Dad.
I picked up the kind of beer you like.
The big kind.
Hey, I just now got comfortable.
How about one of my wonderful daughters sliding that over to me? There you go.
Just give me the damn beer.
I'm hurt.
[Gasps.]
Are you?! Oh, my God, Darlene! Dad's hurt? Well, what happened, Father? I hope you weren't drywalling by yourself, like a complete idiot.
Jackie should've never told you.
It's none of your business! [Scoffs.]
Yes, it is! Because if you get thrown out, we get thrown out.
Now, we are wasting time.
Right now Becky could be selling her body out on the street.
Aw, you really think so? Thanks! It's tough to keep in hooker shape.
This conversation's over.
Come on, Dad.
Let us help you with the mortgage.
You're out of options.
You're like the captain of the Titanic.
It's time to throw on a dress and sneak into the lifeboat.
Please.
Let's not wait until the sheriff is knocking at the door.
Let us pay rent.
It's me, Ben, Becky, Harris.
We'll make it work.
Hey! Lay off your dad.
He works his ass off, and now he's hurting.
And you know what a stupid, stubborn, prideful man he is.
He'd rather put you all out on the street than let you help him in any way.
That started out so good.
All right, I got no choice.
I'll take your rent.
[Sighs.]
Finally.
By the way, I'm gonna be a couple weeks late.
[Sighs.]
Uh, me too.
And when you decide who pays what, just remember my baby and I live down there in steerage.
Oh, and I'm gonna drink this because you lied to us.
[Groans.]
Hey.
How'd you do? You sell any ads? I did run into the Whelan family in the parking lot, and they are gonna buy an ad.
"Joyous congratulations to Jacob on his streaming bar mitzvah, and rest in peace to Menachem, the best poodle ever.
" Boy.
Been a real roller coaster for that family.
Please tell me you did better than I did.
Well, in fact, I did.
I got drum roll, please Bill's Lawn Mower Repair.
- Hey! - Yes.
And the best part is he wants to pay us in lawn mower repair.
Well, that's great, because we may need to start mowing lawns.
[Sighs.]
I'm so sorry, baby, but I don't think there's any saving this thing.
We're almost broke.
You ready to call it? [Groans.]
I can't believe this.
Every time I thought about my future, the magazine was part of it.
[Scoffs.]
This is like my future's over.
Well, you can still find something else that you can use your writing for and No.
Sto No more writing.
It's, like, ruining my life.
I'm staring down a stack of overdue bills.
I just told my dad we'd start paying rent.
Say what, now? It's time to get a real job.
I should have known this magazine thing was gonna fall apart.
By the way, thanks for the false hope.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I know this has been hard on you, but it's been a great ride for me.
I lost my business, I've gone through my savings, and I'm sleeping in your childhood bed.
But, hey, at least I have your sour face to look at.
[Chuckles.]
I'm just scared, you know? There's, like, not a lot of jobs out there.
Well, you could be a bouncer at one of those big box stores.
They're looking for greeters who'll take down the customers who won't wear masks.
That's not a job.
I'd do that for free.
Hey.
Is this the line to apply for jobs for Wellman Plastics? No, it's a soup kitchen line that started during the Great Depression.
- Service is just slow.
- Thanks.
I hope I end up next to you on line.
You seem fun.
Hey.
What are you doing here? What are you doing here? Jackie told me she can't afford to give me a salary for The Lunch Box right now, so I'm applying for a job.
Go ahead.
Call me a loser.
Okay, you're a loser.
I'm actually here to get a job, too.
The magazine folded.
Then why did you call me a loser? 'Cause it was free.
Uh wait.
If you're working here, who's gonna watch the baby? Not a clue.
Man, wouldn't it be perfect timing if Emilio were here? [Chuckles nervously.]
No.
Emilio being here would be a total disaster.
Oh, no.
Emilio's here.
It's okay.
He's gonna watch Beverly Rose at the restaurant while he hides out from the authorities.
But don't tell Dad.
- He won't understand.
- [Door opens.]
We're gonna hold the line up a bit until we get the folks inside taken care of.
And then we'll start it up again.
[Groans.]
All right.
I won't tell Dad about Emilio if you let me wear Mom's old Wellman shirt.
That is a brilliant suck-up idea for the interview.
No way! Why aren't you trying to get another writing job? Because I've got 25 years of failure telling me that that's the wrong direction.
When I moved back in with Mom and Dad, I didn't think I could go any lower.
And then I chased this stupid magazine into the ground.
I mean, like, what is wrong with me? No one wants me to be a writer.
Take a hint.
You know? It's like [Voice breaking.]
If I'd done anything else, you know, I wouldn't be standing on this line, starting over.
As the older sister, I guess I could have been a better role model.
Uh, at least I'm ahead of you in line.
Mom worked here.
Maybe it'll be okay.
No, we're supposed to do better than our parents.
We're not supposed to be going backwards.
We're We're gonna end up as immigrants on a ship back to Ireland.
Oh, my God, what if they don't hire us? They have to take us.
We're legacies.
We have Wellman Plastics in our blood.
Well, that's probably just from the tap water.
Let's look at this positively.
Um, it's a new beginning.
Aunt Jackie started here, and she owns a restaurant.
That's something to be proud of.
Sandwiches! Who wants an olive hummus sandwich heah?! Opa! Well, maybe our kids'll do something.
Well, here we go, Laverne.
Schlemiel.
Schlimazel.
BOTH: Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo We're not gonna make it At least Laverne and Shirley worked in a brewery and could chug a beer once in a while.
Well, we get free travel-sized bottles, which will come in handy if any other country ever lets Americans in again.
All right, come on.
Let's just be happy we're working.
Wait.
How old were Laverne and Shirley supposed to be when they had these jobs? Around 22.
Oh, crap! We've been stuck in this house for months.
We needed something to celebrate.
So I found something special about today.
- Go ahead and guess.
- Okay.
Thomas Edison applied for a patent for the light bulb.
No! BECKY: Uh there was a giant earthquake in Uzbekistan.
Good, but no! It's National Reptile Awareness Day! It's also my birthday.
We knew that, honey.
ALL: Happy birthday! [Laughter.]
Is that my cake? [Laughs sadly.]
Well, it sure is, birthday boy! Why is there a lizard on it? That's because of your nickname.
When you were a baby, we called you Iguana! [I want to.]
Iguana tell you happy birthday.
Hooray!