The Detour (2016) s03e01 Episode Script
The Run
1 Oh.
Goddamn sun.
Go away! Aah! I just want to sleep.
Go supernova, you stupid dick.
[Chains creaking.]
[Knocking on door.]
Oh! Babe? [Pounding.]
Come on now! I know you're in there! [Pounding continues.]
Open this goddamned door now! I ain't got all night! [Knocking continues.]
Come out now! [Knocking.]
[Cellphone dings.]
[Brakes squeal.]
Robin: Oh, shit.
Again? [Cellphone buzzes.]
Again? Shit! Jared: I'm so sick of being criminals.
[Pounding.]
I could break this door down! Don't make me! You think I wasn't coming for ya? [Tires squeal.]
What the hell happened? I used the credit card to get sushi at Sunoco.
Oh, gross.
I told you, the good sushi's at Lukoil.
Where's your sister? That way.
I don't know.
All right, well, she'll catch up.
Come on, let's go.
Delilah: Hey, wait for me! What is wrong with you?! You guys are such dicks! [Clanging.]
Open the goddamned door now! [Sobbing.]
Aw, shit! - What you ski-doin' there? - What? What is you ski-doin' there? - What? - Hey, that's good.
[Engine starts.]
Thunder [Engine revs.]
Get some! Thunderstruck - Yeah, yeah, yeah, thunderstruck.
- Holy shit, Jimmy.
I told you I was working out of Room 10.
Now you gone and woke up that nice family living next door.
Get in here! Yes, baby, yes! [Crash!.]
[Horns honking.]
Come on, get! Son of a Shit! Somewhere behind the mountains There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
Robin: No, no, no! I'll go down to Anchorage, I'll get it myself.
I don't want to see you.
Jared: See ya, Butte lover.
- I liked that town.
- Ever since we left Cuba, all we've been doing is running.
This was supposed to be temporary.
Yeah, it's been like six months.
A couple of 'em were fun, though.
[License plates clanking.]
I liked Iowa.
You're thinking Idaho.
Oh, yeah, Iowa sucked.
It all sucks.
I'm so sick of living in motels.
I'm so sick of living in this van.
It's so hot.
If we were dogs, they'd be arrested.
Where the hell's Dad?! Thunderstruck Thunderstruck Yeah, yeah, yeah, thunderstruck Where the hell am I? Aw, shit.
Thunderstruck [Engine starts, revs.]
Thunderstruck Yeah, yeah, yeah, thunderstruck No, no! No, the only reason they're after us is because if you, "Dad.
" Yeah, I was using air quotes.
No, I don't want to live in Russia! - Did the Pee-Paw money tree dry up? - Paranoid freak.
He thinks the Feds are watching his every move.
But you know what? We still have enough money for the next few months, and then we'll figure it out.
Where's your father? [Birds chirping.]
Thunderstruck Thunderstruck Yeah, yeah, yeah, thunderstruck Ooh, thunder Isn't it easier to just deal with the shit we have at home than actually not have a home? Oh, yeah, okay.
So you want me to go to prison? You want to lose your mom? Is that it? - Uh-uh.
- What? "Uh"? Who would teach you if I went away, huh? A teacher.
A certified education professional who actually knows how to do math.
Oh, this is all because I don't get that common core crap.
You just have to show your work! 5 times 3 is 15.
Who gives a shit how you get there? Mom, I don't think we can run anymore.
We're down to our last plate.
I think we should do what it says just go "LGTITZ.
" Oh, God.
We gotta stop stealing plates from strip club parking lots.
We want to stop running! Well, it's not gonna be easy, and I have to get your father on board, who should really be here by now.
[Engine revving.]
Thunderstruck [Engine revs.]
Thunderstruck Yeah, yeah, yeah, thunderstruck Why did you bring the snowmobile? What?! Why did you bring the snowmobile? The snow machine? No, that's it's a snowmobile.
They call it a snow machine up here! No, a snow machine makes snow.
That's a snowmobile.
It's a mobile snow vehicle.
What? Can you not hear me from across the river? You want to cross the river? That's crazy! - No! - No? No! I am saying no! - [Engine starts.]
- Nate, no! Don't go! Okay, cool it, I'm going! Do not go! Stop going! - It's all clear! All clear! - No! Stop doing it! Don't go! [Engine revs.]
Thunderstruck - Get some! Get some! - Thunderstruck Get some! You've been thunderstruck You know, I was thinking, um, maybe it's time to stop running.
- Oh, are you thinking that? - Yeah.
So you can hear me pretty clear now? Yeah.
From here, yeah.
- Good.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It's deeper than I thought.
Okay, if you really want to stop running, the first thing we need to do is become somebody nobody's looking for.
So that means finding dead people approximately the same age as us.
Delilah: We're stealing someone's identity? They're dead.
They're not gonna use it.
[Happily.]
Oh, this is great.
Dead kids, too.
[Normally.]
That's my tone the tone was wrong.
[Gloomily.]
Dead kids, too.
That's good for us, though.
[Normally.]
Next up, birth certificates.
Which means we have to find a lonely, desperate county clerk who will believe anything we say.
Thank you.
Finally, we find ourselves a nice, quiet town to settle into where everybody keeps to themselves.
That gets us a rental agreement, which gets us a utility bill, which means we're home free.
That's the easy part.
The hard part is gonna be committing to the new us.
All right, pop quiz.
What's your name? - Johnny.
- Great.
What's his name? - Dad.
- Real name.
- Nate.
- No, fake real name.
Oh, my God, you should know this.
We just went over this stuff.
- Dana? - That's my name.
- It's Finn.
- Call me Finnigan.
- Finn.
- Finnigan.
- Finn.
- Finnigan! Again? I just did Finn, like, three times.
Hi! Hello.
Gayle and Moishe Rosenberg.
- Great.
- Dana and Finnigan Fleischer You know, we're Irish-Jews, too.
Not a lot of us up here.
Welcome to the Frozen Chosen.
- Mazel.
- Mazel to you, as well.
Kids, say mazel.
- Mazel.
- Mazel.
See? They're Jews-ish.
You guys want to see the house? - Yes.
- Yes.
We do, yes.
- Yeah.
- That was awful.
- This isn't gonna work.
- It's already working.
No security deposit? Yeah, and it's a really nice house.
No references needed.
And the mountain's right there.
[Inhales deeply.]
Fresh air.
Escape routes north, south, and east if we need 'em.
- We're not gonna need 'em.
- I know.
It's pretty perfect.
What do you think? You think the Fleischers can settle down here? So? What do you think? I think we're gonna take it.
Oh, that's so great.
That's great.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Have you seen our kids? Yes.
Moishe took them down to the all-night sun festival.
He gave them some shekels for games, attractions, roller coasters, what have you.
God, he is such a child at heart.
Right.
We should probably go get them, you know.
- Stranger danger.
- Don't worry about that.
There are no strangers here.
Everyone knows everyone.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Man: $3 for two throws! $5 will get you four, $3 will get you two! $5 four! $3 two! Step right up and dunk the mayor's assistant because we can't dunk the mayor.
He's an alpaca.
[Laughs.]
Three knockdowns get you a talk-back alpaca.
[Laughs.]
I'm the mayor.
[Giggles.]
This thing is fun.
That's your mayor? Yes, indeed.
He's presided over our little hamlet going on 15 years now.
Now, pick up a ball and toss off old Straight Jack.
- Your name is Straight Jack? - That's right.
I talk straight, shoot straight, and drink my whiskey straight.
With ice and a little diet pop.
Did you give yourself that name? I did, in my formative years.
Just like us.
I'm "Johnny Fleischer.
" Nice to meet you, "Straight" Jack.
Dude.
What? - Aah! - [Water splashes.]
Oh, yeah! Whoo! That's one.
Gayle: Schools are great.
So great.
Okay, well, I think you're going to love this neighborhood.
- All the people.
- I love people.
- Lots of kids 'cause I love - So many kids.
More, like, every day almost.
I love kids.
So, why did you two settle on the last frontier? We just wanted to get out of the city, get away from the rat race of the firm, back to basics.
What firm did you work for? Roller coasters.
A roller coaster firm? Mm-hmm, he designed them, he built them.
Just, I mean, all the big ones.
The prestigious ones.
How does one even become a roller coaster designer? Funny you ask.
You start with bumper cars, and then you work your way up, right? See, now, I would have thought that that would be its own engineering discipline entirely.
Yeah, you would think.
Best not to think too hard on these kinds of things.
- Hey, Narvin! - Yo! Come over here and meet the Fleischers.
He's a roller coaster designer.
[Scoffs.]
Oh, bullshit.
He don't look like no big city, fancy pants, roller coaster designer to me.
He is, and he is fancy.
Let me ask you this.
If you used an ISM launcher into a high bank 180 or a hard line roll, do you think you could get two double inversions before you hit a climb? Uh Yes.
[Laughs.]
Well, thank you.
Thank you! I knew it.
Wait'll I tell them chatroom assholes.
Oh, shit! You know, it's real nice to be in the company of a genuine professional loophead.
- Yeah.
- That's what he is.
Lots to talk about.
Whoo-hoo! Boy, I haven't gone down that much since college.
[Chuckles.]
One more, and you win.
[Water splashes.]
[Cheering.]
Whoa, yeah, get some! That talk-back alpaca is mine! Jareb Parker rules! Jareb Parker? I thought you said your name was Johnny Fleischer.
Uh, it is.
Then why'd you say Jared Parker? You're not being straight with me, boy? Uh What's your real name, son? Run.
- Hey! - Hey, get back here! Babe, nobody's buying this story, okay? I think we should run.
No, we're free and clear.
Relax.
Everybody's buying this.
It's a nut.
Gayle: Everyone, I'd like you to meet the Fleischers.
He's a roller coaster designer, and she What do you do? - Mommy, I don't want to.
- Honey, don't look so sad.
We won you the medium.
She's a medium.
A medium.
You're a medium? Oh, my.
Narvin, did you hear this? Dana is a medium.
What the hell is that? Are you kidding me? It's an ancient mystic who communes with the dead.
- No shit.
- Yeah.
Boy, you are the most interesting couple - I have ever met.
- Mm-hmm.
Except for that lady golfer and her husband who didn't like pizza.
He hated pizza.
I totally remember that guy.
[Cellphones ding and buzz.]
Babe, we Uh, she she's got a weak bladder, so.
Ugh, tell me about it.
My shmundie hasn't been the same since I had kids.
I got to pish, like, all the time.
Me, too.
I gotta p-shit in the shmundie.
Hey! What the hell happened? He said his real name! I didn't practice celebrating with my fake name.
Going legit.
It's not easy, is it? - What the hell happened? - [Siren wails.]
Hey, you're coming with me, Long Tits.
Or is it Leg Tits? - Log Tits.
- Large Tits.
Large? Hey, man, can you tell us where you're taking us? Remember, it is your right to remain silent.
What are you supposed to say in a situation like this? - "Am I being detained?" - Hey, are we being detained here? And here he is.
It's time to show us what you got.
Thank God, man, it's gone haywire.
I don't know what to do.
It won't stop.
What the hell do you want me to do about it? Well, you're the big city, fancy pants roller coaster designer, ain't you? Oh, you better believe it.
Well, then, we need you to get our kids down to safety.
Moishe: Gayle! Help, please, help! Oh, my God! My Moishe's up there! - How old is little Moishe? - 49.
Have you tried turning it off and then back on again? We tried, there's no switch.
- Maybe unplug it? - Gus already tried that.
Who's Gus? [Electricity crackles.]
Whoa! [Screaming.]
Oh, Gus! What were you doing? Oh, my God, you idiot! Dude, he is not doing well, okay? I could have been a doctor.
You gotta get him in an ambulance.
You're talking about saving one life over 30.
Those aren't odds I'm willing to take.
Yeah, but you should probably still get him an ambulance.
Well, I suppose it's not an either/or, is it? - Not even close.
- No.
No, it's not.
We need a hospital truck to the festival, pronto.
- Who's in charge of all of this? - Gus is, and he's dead.
Okay, but there's gotta be some sort of main reactor to shut down now? Christ, man, you don't want to do that.
The gates'll open up.
You'll have kids falling all over the place.
- Even I know that! - Hang in there, sweetie! - Help is here! - This is the control box.
Red usually means stop, so yeah.
Go for it! Go! Here I am Rock you like a hurricane Why is that the biggest button? Well, I don't know.
It's the most important? Oh.
That is a big old mess of crap in there, isn't it? - Oh, shit.
- It could be any of 'em.
Good luck, man.
I - No, you got this.
- I don't got this.
You got it.
I I mean, this is Jesus.
The night is calling, I have to go - The wolf is hungry - Oh, no, shit, not that wire.
You said you didn't know which one it was.
I know it's not that one! I I have to be honest here.
I can someone turn that music off, please? She's my cherry pie [All screaming.]
Well This ride really isn't my specialty.
No, he's being modesty.
He started out designing carnival rides just like this in the beginning.
Didn't you, sweetie? Go ahead, do it.
You can do it.
I can't.
Nate, do it.
- Who's Nate? - What? Exactly, Dana.
Why don't you go talk to the dead carny to find out which wire I should cut? Gayle: Of course.
Hashem has sent us the keys to this tragic puzzle! What couple is better suited? A roller coaster designer and a medium! - You can talk to the dead? - Oh, my God.
Well, it's not a science, but Ask him if he was with Marla last night! What, no! You ask him how to turn this thing off.
You ask him if he got back together with my skanky stepmother, Marla! [All shouting.]
- Stop it! Stop it! Everybody, stop it! - [Music stops.]
Don't let these two idiots kill 30 people! Can't you see they're frauds? - What is Abby talking about? - My name's not Abby.
It's Delilah, and that's Nate, Robin, and Jared Parker! Not Fleischer! I believe the boy calls himself Jareb.
- That's right, with a B.
- Come on, man.
Our granddad doesn't pay his import fees and tariffs, and some sort of government agency is after us because of it! And they thought coming up here, we could escape it! - Okay, let's go.
- Uh, uh, uh.
Is this true? Technically, yes.
Although, I actually don't know a lot of the details of the story to protect me from incarceration, which looks like it could be happening right now.
Sorry to break it to y'all, but no one gives a hoot about your dirty secrets from the lower 48.
Why would you be living here if you weren't running from something? Practically every other person in this town has changed their name.
I mean, Moishe? Come on, a little on the nose.
It's a whole state of misfits! We don't care about race, religion, [hushed.]
sexual orientation, [normally.]
politics.
Hell, we've got an alpaca as our mayor! Well, that's all very reassuring.
We apologize for, you know, trying to mislead you in any way.
Uh, look.
I don't care who you are or how many lies you've told.
That's reassuring, thank you.
I just need our town's new roller coaster designer to get these goddamn people to safety! [Screaming.]
Have you been finding the injections painful, Edie? Do you want to know what painful is? Being put on sabbatical for doing your job.
I mean, I basically got fired on account of my obsessive need to find a family.
Oh, you've come to the right place to find a family.
A fugitive family, not this thing.
This is just a baby.
I already had one of those.
Well, not had-had.
I read the pee stick wrong.
I thought that minus meant pregnant because kids generally suck.
I just really want a baby.
[Sobs.]
Clearly, you've been taking your hormones.
[Giggles.]
Just sit back and relax.
How could I relax when they're still out there? [Voice breaking.]
How can I not find these dummies? That's it.
Just sit back with your feet up for about 15 minutes.
You want to avoid any leakage.
Someone not knowing what he's doing.
A roller coaster designer from Alaska is in the news.
He rescued a group from impending danger by what would almost seem to be dumb luck.
After cutting the wrong wire Holy shit.
It spun out of control for several minutes, but then it shorted out and returned to the factory settings, and they were able to rescue everyone.
Son of a bitch.
I got 'em! Oh, I got 'em! Shit.
Oh, God.
"Thank you for mopping up all the cum, Tony," says no one ever.
You're a hero.
Finnigan Fleischer, the best Jewish roller coaster designer of all time! - He's all right.
- [Retching.]
Goddamn sun.
Go away! Aah! I just want to sleep.
Go supernova, you stupid dick.
[Chains creaking.]
[Knocking on door.]
Oh! Babe? [Pounding.]
Come on now! I know you're in there! [Pounding continues.]
Open this goddamned door now! I ain't got all night! [Knocking continues.]
Come out now! [Knocking.]
[Cellphone dings.]
[Brakes squeal.]
Robin: Oh, shit.
Again? [Cellphone buzzes.]
Again? Shit! Jared: I'm so sick of being criminals.
[Pounding.]
I could break this door down! Don't make me! You think I wasn't coming for ya? [Tires squeal.]
What the hell happened? I used the credit card to get sushi at Sunoco.
Oh, gross.
I told you, the good sushi's at Lukoil.
Where's your sister? That way.
I don't know.
All right, well, she'll catch up.
Come on, let's go.
Delilah: Hey, wait for me! What is wrong with you?! You guys are such dicks! [Clanging.]
Open the goddamned door now! [Sobbing.]
Aw, shit! - What you ski-doin' there? - What? What is you ski-doin' there? - What? - Hey, that's good.
[Engine starts.]
Thunder [Engine revs.]
Get some! Thunderstruck - Yeah, yeah, yeah, thunderstruck.
- Holy shit, Jimmy.
I told you I was working out of Room 10.
Now you gone and woke up that nice family living next door.
Get in here! Yes, baby, yes! [Crash!.]
[Horns honking.]
Come on, get! Son of a Shit! Somewhere behind the mountains There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
Robin: No, no, no! I'll go down to Anchorage, I'll get it myself.
I don't want to see you.
Jared: See ya, Butte lover.
- I liked that town.
- Ever since we left Cuba, all we've been doing is running.
This was supposed to be temporary.
Yeah, it's been like six months.
A couple of 'em were fun, though.
[License plates clanking.]
I liked Iowa.
You're thinking Idaho.
Oh, yeah, Iowa sucked.
It all sucks.
I'm so sick of living in motels.
I'm so sick of living in this van.
It's so hot.
If we were dogs, they'd be arrested.
Where the hell's Dad?! Thunderstruck Thunderstruck Yeah, yeah, yeah, thunderstruck Where the hell am I? Aw, shit.
Thunderstruck [Engine starts, revs.]
Thunderstruck Yeah, yeah, yeah, thunderstruck No, no! No, the only reason they're after us is because if you, "Dad.
" Yeah, I was using air quotes.
No, I don't want to live in Russia! - Did the Pee-Paw money tree dry up? - Paranoid freak.
He thinks the Feds are watching his every move.
But you know what? We still have enough money for the next few months, and then we'll figure it out.
Where's your father? [Birds chirping.]
Thunderstruck Thunderstruck Yeah, yeah, yeah, thunderstruck Ooh, thunder Isn't it easier to just deal with the shit we have at home than actually not have a home? Oh, yeah, okay.
So you want me to go to prison? You want to lose your mom? Is that it? - Uh-uh.
- What? "Uh"? Who would teach you if I went away, huh? A teacher.
A certified education professional who actually knows how to do math.
Oh, this is all because I don't get that common core crap.
You just have to show your work! 5 times 3 is 15.
Who gives a shit how you get there? Mom, I don't think we can run anymore.
We're down to our last plate.
I think we should do what it says just go "LGTITZ.
" Oh, God.
We gotta stop stealing plates from strip club parking lots.
We want to stop running! Well, it's not gonna be easy, and I have to get your father on board, who should really be here by now.
[Engine revving.]
Thunderstruck [Engine revs.]
Thunderstruck Yeah, yeah, yeah, thunderstruck Why did you bring the snowmobile? What?! Why did you bring the snowmobile? The snow machine? No, that's it's a snowmobile.
They call it a snow machine up here! No, a snow machine makes snow.
That's a snowmobile.
It's a mobile snow vehicle.
What? Can you not hear me from across the river? You want to cross the river? That's crazy! - No! - No? No! I am saying no! - [Engine starts.]
- Nate, no! Don't go! Okay, cool it, I'm going! Do not go! Stop going! - It's all clear! All clear! - No! Stop doing it! Don't go! [Engine revs.]
Thunderstruck - Get some! Get some! - Thunderstruck Get some! You've been thunderstruck You know, I was thinking, um, maybe it's time to stop running.
- Oh, are you thinking that? - Yeah.
So you can hear me pretty clear now? Yeah.
From here, yeah.
- Good.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It's deeper than I thought.
Okay, if you really want to stop running, the first thing we need to do is become somebody nobody's looking for.
So that means finding dead people approximately the same age as us.
Delilah: We're stealing someone's identity? They're dead.
They're not gonna use it.
[Happily.]
Oh, this is great.
Dead kids, too.
[Normally.]
That's my tone the tone was wrong.
[Gloomily.]
Dead kids, too.
That's good for us, though.
[Normally.]
Next up, birth certificates.
Which means we have to find a lonely, desperate county clerk who will believe anything we say.
Thank you.
Finally, we find ourselves a nice, quiet town to settle into where everybody keeps to themselves.
That gets us a rental agreement, which gets us a utility bill, which means we're home free.
That's the easy part.
The hard part is gonna be committing to the new us.
All right, pop quiz.
What's your name? - Johnny.
- Great.
What's his name? - Dad.
- Real name.
- Nate.
- No, fake real name.
Oh, my God, you should know this.
We just went over this stuff.
- Dana? - That's my name.
- It's Finn.
- Call me Finnigan.
- Finn.
- Finnigan.
- Finn.
- Finnigan! Again? I just did Finn, like, three times.
Hi! Hello.
Gayle and Moishe Rosenberg.
- Great.
- Dana and Finnigan Fleischer You know, we're Irish-Jews, too.
Not a lot of us up here.
Welcome to the Frozen Chosen.
- Mazel.
- Mazel to you, as well.
Kids, say mazel.
- Mazel.
- Mazel.
See? They're Jews-ish.
You guys want to see the house? - Yes.
- Yes.
We do, yes.
- Yeah.
- That was awful.
- This isn't gonna work.
- It's already working.
No security deposit? Yeah, and it's a really nice house.
No references needed.
And the mountain's right there.
[Inhales deeply.]
Fresh air.
Escape routes north, south, and east if we need 'em.
- We're not gonna need 'em.
- I know.
It's pretty perfect.
What do you think? You think the Fleischers can settle down here? So? What do you think? I think we're gonna take it.
Oh, that's so great.
That's great.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Have you seen our kids? Yes.
Moishe took them down to the all-night sun festival.
He gave them some shekels for games, attractions, roller coasters, what have you.
God, he is such a child at heart.
Right.
We should probably go get them, you know.
- Stranger danger.
- Don't worry about that.
There are no strangers here.
Everyone knows everyone.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Man: $3 for two throws! $5 will get you four, $3 will get you two! $5 four! $3 two! Step right up and dunk the mayor's assistant because we can't dunk the mayor.
He's an alpaca.
[Laughs.]
Three knockdowns get you a talk-back alpaca.
[Laughs.]
I'm the mayor.
[Giggles.]
This thing is fun.
That's your mayor? Yes, indeed.
He's presided over our little hamlet going on 15 years now.
Now, pick up a ball and toss off old Straight Jack.
- Your name is Straight Jack? - That's right.
I talk straight, shoot straight, and drink my whiskey straight.
With ice and a little diet pop.
Did you give yourself that name? I did, in my formative years.
Just like us.
I'm "Johnny Fleischer.
" Nice to meet you, "Straight" Jack.
Dude.
What? - Aah! - [Water splashes.]
Oh, yeah! Whoo! That's one.
Gayle: Schools are great.
So great.
Okay, well, I think you're going to love this neighborhood.
- All the people.
- I love people.
- Lots of kids 'cause I love - So many kids.
More, like, every day almost.
I love kids.
So, why did you two settle on the last frontier? We just wanted to get out of the city, get away from the rat race of the firm, back to basics.
What firm did you work for? Roller coasters.
A roller coaster firm? Mm-hmm, he designed them, he built them.
Just, I mean, all the big ones.
The prestigious ones.
How does one even become a roller coaster designer? Funny you ask.
You start with bumper cars, and then you work your way up, right? See, now, I would have thought that that would be its own engineering discipline entirely.
Yeah, you would think.
Best not to think too hard on these kinds of things.
- Hey, Narvin! - Yo! Come over here and meet the Fleischers.
He's a roller coaster designer.
[Scoffs.]
Oh, bullshit.
He don't look like no big city, fancy pants, roller coaster designer to me.
He is, and he is fancy.
Let me ask you this.
If you used an ISM launcher into a high bank 180 or a hard line roll, do you think you could get two double inversions before you hit a climb? Uh Yes.
[Laughs.]
Well, thank you.
Thank you! I knew it.
Wait'll I tell them chatroom assholes.
Oh, shit! You know, it's real nice to be in the company of a genuine professional loophead.
- Yeah.
- That's what he is.
Lots to talk about.
Whoo-hoo! Boy, I haven't gone down that much since college.
[Chuckles.]
One more, and you win.
[Water splashes.]
[Cheering.]
Whoa, yeah, get some! That talk-back alpaca is mine! Jareb Parker rules! Jareb Parker? I thought you said your name was Johnny Fleischer.
Uh, it is.
Then why'd you say Jared Parker? You're not being straight with me, boy? Uh What's your real name, son? Run.
- Hey! - Hey, get back here! Babe, nobody's buying this story, okay? I think we should run.
No, we're free and clear.
Relax.
Everybody's buying this.
It's a nut.
Gayle: Everyone, I'd like you to meet the Fleischers.
He's a roller coaster designer, and she What do you do? - Mommy, I don't want to.
- Honey, don't look so sad.
We won you the medium.
She's a medium.
A medium.
You're a medium? Oh, my.
Narvin, did you hear this? Dana is a medium.
What the hell is that? Are you kidding me? It's an ancient mystic who communes with the dead.
- No shit.
- Yeah.
Boy, you are the most interesting couple - I have ever met.
- Mm-hmm.
Except for that lady golfer and her husband who didn't like pizza.
He hated pizza.
I totally remember that guy.
[Cellphones ding and buzz.]
Babe, we Uh, she she's got a weak bladder, so.
Ugh, tell me about it.
My shmundie hasn't been the same since I had kids.
I got to pish, like, all the time.
Me, too.
I gotta p-shit in the shmundie.
Hey! What the hell happened? He said his real name! I didn't practice celebrating with my fake name.
Going legit.
It's not easy, is it? - What the hell happened? - [Siren wails.]
Hey, you're coming with me, Long Tits.
Or is it Leg Tits? - Log Tits.
- Large Tits.
Large? Hey, man, can you tell us where you're taking us? Remember, it is your right to remain silent.
What are you supposed to say in a situation like this? - "Am I being detained?" - Hey, are we being detained here? And here he is.
It's time to show us what you got.
Thank God, man, it's gone haywire.
I don't know what to do.
It won't stop.
What the hell do you want me to do about it? Well, you're the big city, fancy pants roller coaster designer, ain't you? Oh, you better believe it.
Well, then, we need you to get our kids down to safety.
Moishe: Gayle! Help, please, help! Oh, my God! My Moishe's up there! - How old is little Moishe? - 49.
Have you tried turning it off and then back on again? We tried, there's no switch.
- Maybe unplug it? - Gus already tried that.
Who's Gus? [Electricity crackles.]
Whoa! [Screaming.]
Oh, Gus! What were you doing? Oh, my God, you idiot! Dude, he is not doing well, okay? I could have been a doctor.
You gotta get him in an ambulance.
You're talking about saving one life over 30.
Those aren't odds I'm willing to take.
Yeah, but you should probably still get him an ambulance.
Well, I suppose it's not an either/or, is it? - Not even close.
- No.
No, it's not.
We need a hospital truck to the festival, pronto.
- Who's in charge of all of this? - Gus is, and he's dead.
Okay, but there's gotta be some sort of main reactor to shut down now? Christ, man, you don't want to do that.
The gates'll open up.
You'll have kids falling all over the place.
- Even I know that! - Hang in there, sweetie! - Help is here! - This is the control box.
Red usually means stop, so yeah.
Go for it! Go! Here I am Rock you like a hurricane Why is that the biggest button? Well, I don't know.
It's the most important? Oh.
That is a big old mess of crap in there, isn't it? - Oh, shit.
- It could be any of 'em.
Good luck, man.
I - No, you got this.
- I don't got this.
You got it.
I I mean, this is Jesus.
The night is calling, I have to go - The wolf is hungry - Oh, no, shit, not that wire.
You said you didn't know which one it was.
I know it's not that one! I I have to be honest here.
I can someone turn that music off, please? She's my cherry pie [All screaming.]
Well This ride really isn't my specialty.
No, he's being modesty.
He started out designing carnival rides just like this in the beginning.
Didn't you, sweetie? Go ahead, do it.
You can do it.
I can't.
Nate, do it.
- Who's Nate? - What? Exactly, Dana.
Why don't you go talk to the dead carny to find out which wire I should cut? Gayle: Of course.
Hashem has sent us the keys to this tragic puzzle! What couple is better suited? A roller coaster designer and a medium! - You can talk to the dead? - Oh, my God.
Well, it's not a science, but Ask him if he was with Marla last night! What, no! You ask him how to turn this thing off.
You ask him if he got back together with my skanky stepmother, Marla! [All shouting.]
- Stop it! Stop it! Everybody, stop it! - [Music stops.]
Don't let these two idiots kill 30 people! Can't you see they're frauds? - What is Abby talking about? - My name's not Abby.
It's Delilah, and that's Nate, Robin, and Jared Parker! Not Fleischer! I believe the boy calls himself Jareb.
- That's right, with a B.
- Come on, man.
Our granddad doesn't pay his import fees and tariffs, and some sort of government agency is after us because of it! And they thought coming up here, we could escape it! - Okay, let's go.
- Uh, uh, uh.
Is this true? Technically, yes.
Although, I actually don't know a lot of the details of the story to protect me from incarceration, which looks like it could be happening right now.
Sorry to break it to y'all, but no one gives a hoot about your dirty secrets from the lower 48.
Why would you be living here if you weren't running from something? Practically every other person in this town has changed their name.
I mean, Moishe? Come on, a little on the nose.
It's a whole state of misfits! We don't care about race, religion, [hushed.]
sexual orientation, [normally.]
politics.
Hell, we've got an alpaca as our mayor! Well, that's all very reassuring.
We apologize for, you know, trying to mislead you in any way.
Uh, look.
I don't care who you are or how many lies you've told.
That's reassuring, thank you.
I just need our town's new roller coaster designer to get these goddamn people to safety! [Screaming.]
Have you been finding the injections painful, Edie? Do you want to know what painful is? Being put on sabbatical for doing your job.
I mean, I basically got fired on account of my obsessive need to find a family.
Oh, you've come to the right place to find a family.
A fugitive family, not this thing.
This is just a baby.
I already had one of those.
Well, not had-had.
I read the pee stick wrong.
I thought that minus meant pregnant because kids generally suck.
I just really want a baby.
[Sobs.]
Clearly, you've been taking your hormones.
[Giggles.]
Just sit back and relax.
How could I relax when they're still out there? [Voice breaking.]
How can I not find these dummies? That's it.
Just sit back with your feet up for about 15 minutes.
You want to avoid any leakage.
Someone not knowing what he's doing.
A roller coaster designer from Alaska is in the news.
He rescued a group from impending danger by what would almost seem to be dumb luck.
After cutting the wrong wire Holy shit.
It spun out of control for several minutes, but then it shorted out and returned to the factory settings, and they were able to rescue everyone.
Son of a bitch.
I got 'em! Oh, I got 'em! Shit.
Oh, God.
"Thank you for mopping up all the cum, Tony," says no one ever.
You're a hero.
Finnigan Fleischer, the best Jewish roller coaster designer of all time! - He's all right.
- [Retching.]