The Exes (2011) s03e01 Episode Script

Hey, Stuart.
What's going on, buddy? Since Holly's out of town, I'm watering her plants, and I pulled a muscle in my back.
I went looking for a couple of Tylenol, and I found this handy back massager in her bedroom nightstand.
You found that in her nightstand, huh? Yeah, and let me tell you.
This thing really penetrates.
Uh[Chuckles.]
Do you want to tell him or should I? - Oh, please let me.
- [Laughs.]
What? Tell me what? Uh, that "back massager" you're pleasuring yourself with there is actually Holly's love stick.
Her what? It's her vibrator, goober.
Oh.
So Holly uses one of those, huh? - Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
You'd think she'd be a lot more mellow.
I resent those things.
I mean, how can any man compete with 120 volts of pulsating pleasure? We're dinosaurs, gentlemen.
Dinosaurs.
Well, I'm cool with them.
Yep, they're just another tool in the toolbox to get my lady across the finish line.
For I am not a selfish lover.
There is no "I" in "orgasm.
" In my marriage, there was no "I" in the bedroom.
Well, I was the only stimulation my ex-wife ever needed.
The only time she wasn't in the mood was after doing laundry.
Running that machine for hours.
I'd find her in there sitting on it, looking all spent and flushed and Oh, my God.
I was beaten out by a maytag.
Well, if were you, I'd get that thing back in Holly's nightstand before she gets home tonight.
You're right.
[Knock at door.]
Hello? Guess who's home.
- Just - No, no, no, no, no! Hey.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi, hey.
- [Yelps.]
- Hi.
Hey.
Well, we We weren't expecting you until tonight.
Yeah, well, the annual meeting of the tri-state association of matrimonial attorneys isn't exactly the mardi gras you'd think it is.
[All chuckle.]
Stuart, thanks for looking after my apartment.
You find everything okay? Find? Wasn't much to find.
Nope.
Yeah, if if it wasn't supposed to be found, I didn't find it.
If it was supposed to be found, then I did find it, the "it" being nothing.
What's wrong with him? He's under a lot of stress at work.
Yes.
Oh, you know what I do to take the pressure off? All: Yes.
- Yoga.
- Rollerblading.
Pilates.
I eat frosting right out of the can.
Now you know my dirty little secret.
Oh, you so dirty, girl.
You so dirty.
All right, look, as soon as she's gone, I'll put it back.
Okay, come on.
Give me the thingy.
- [Yelps.]
- Here you go.
[Rattling.]
Oh, no.
You broke it.
You broke Holly's thingy.
Well, what are you looking at me for? - He sat on it too.
- Get out of here, man.
I sat on the cord.
You sat on the party end.
Yeah, but I'll plug it in.
We'll see if it still works.
[Rattling.]
Oh, it's busted.
Useless.
Not such a hotshot now, are you? [Upbeat music.]
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- What you doing? - Weighing myself.
Is that a postal scale? Yeah.
I'm checking to see how much more I need to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight.
Oh, no.
How could you possible need to lose 12 more pounds? I meant ounces.
You're fired.
So how was your trip? Eden, you know what the best part is about being away on a ten-day business trip? Surprising your assistant with a gift? People do it, you know.
No, it's having a boyfriend to come home to.
Tonight, Paul and and I are having a reunion in the bedroom.
'Cause I missed my man a lot.
[Whispers.]
A lot.
Catch me drift? Yes, I do, popeye.
Why do you need to use code? Why can't you just say, "I'm horny, and I want to have sex with my boyfriend"? Because I am a lady, and I'd like to think I'm a little more refined than that.
Well, Paul had to go out of town on business.
Oh, crap on a stick! He said he'd call you when he gets there.
So looks like tonight, it's just you and Bob.
Who's Bob? Your battery-operated boyfriend.
Eden.
There is nothing to be embarrassed about.
I have one for every mood Happy, naughty, bored at work - Eden! - Come on.
Tell me you don't have one.
Get back to your desk.
I am your boss.
This is a highly inappropriate conversation to be having.
Says the woman who makes me pick up her bras, spanx, and tampons.
Just be grateful for what I leave off the list! Wow.
[Laughs.]
I've passed this place a million times, but I've never come in.
Yeah, me neither.
- Hey, Haskell.
- Hi, Mr.
Lutz.
I used to come here when it was a French bakery.
Look at all this stuff.
Ball gags and blindfolds, restraints.
How do you know if you're having sex or just being held up? Look, what do you say we get Holly a new joy buzzer and get the hell out of here? What's your hurry? I want to see what's new for fall.
Hey, baby.
How you doing? How can I help you boys? Oh, yes.
This broke, and we need to replace it.
- It's a vibrator.
- Ah.
That's a plug-in.
You boys really like to party old-school.
[Laughs.]
No, no, no.
It's not ours.
It's our neighbor's.
Of course it is.
How'd you break it? They sat on it.
Oh, guys, you know you're supposed to use that one at a time, right? Can I interest you in a newer model? Something with batteries might bring some of the magic back.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
It has to be the exact same model.
I get it.
Why mess with success? [Clicks tongue.]
Let me see if I have it in stock.
Well, I hope you do because we need it tonight - and we need it bad.
- [Laughs.]
Stuart, shut up.
It looks like they don't even make that one anymore.
I'm sorry to kill your night, boys.
Oh, no.
You see? I never should have taken it in the first place.
How could I have been so stupid? How? Don't beat yourself up, buddy.
Yeah.
Let me.
[Whip cracks.]
Holly's gonna be home soon and find her thingy missing.
What are we gonna do? Well, how about we act like adults and just tell her the truth? No, because then she'll know that we know that she tickles her own ivories.
He's right.
It'll put a cloud over the relationship.
A huge cloud of shame and humiliation.
She'll be embarrassed to be around us.
The days will turn into weeks, the weeks into months, and before you know it, she's just another old lady running for the elevator while I push the close button.
Is that what you want? Is it? Is it? Get that hairy sausage out of my face, man.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.
Stop it, you two.
Holly's thingy is tearing us apart.
Does anybody have any better ideas? You know, I think I can fix this.
You can fix a vibrator? I've always been handy.
I can fix a flashlight.
And what is this but its warped, slutty cousin? - [Door knob rattling.]
- Hey.
Hey, why is the door locked? - Oh, oh, no.
No, no, no.
- Don't don't Don't don't panic.
Don't panic.
I'll take Holly down to the bar and distract her while you help Haskell.
Thanks, Phil.
Hey, we're all in this together.
I believe you have something of mine? Stuart took it! I didn't mean to.
Could I just have my mail? Your mail? Of course.
What else would you be here for? Yeah, the answer is obviously nothing.
- No.
- [Laughs.]
Hey, Holly, what do you say we go down to the bar and grab a drink? Oh, sorry, Phil.
Not tonight.
Paul's out of town, and I made some other plans.
With who? An old friend.
Holly, Holly.
- This is important.
- Trust me, so is this.
Holly.
Oh, all right, one drink, and then I go home.
Okay.
You sure you can do this? If we rebuild it, she will come.
Mini screwdriver.
Screwdriver.
- Needle-nose pliers.
- Pliers.
I said needle-nose! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
[Gasps.]
- Oh, no.
- What's wrong? I've isolated the problem.
The motor's come loose from the housing.
We need to reattach the leads.
- So do it.
- It's not that simple.
Which wire goes where? Red, blue, blue, red? Holly could be back any second.
- Just pick one.
- I don't know.
- I don't know! - Pick one! Okay, all right! But God help us all if I'm wrong.
All right, you got me down here.
What did you want to talk to me about? - What do I want to talk to you about? - Yeah.
What do I want to talk to you about? Us.
What about us? What about us? Uh Well, Holly, you know, I-I never properly thanked you.
Thanked me for what? For taking a broken, divorced man with no place to go and giving him a home.
You're very, very welcome.
See ya.
Oh! No, no, no, no, no.
I can't let you go back upstairs without fully expressing my gratitude, Holly.
Okay, you just put it on a cake, okay? Oh, but, Holly, that's not good enough.
Because when I was down, I knew I could always count on you for sure.
That's what friends are for.
In good times Yeah, and bad times I'll be by your side forever more That's what friends are for Keep smilin' keep shinin' Knowing you can always Count on me In good times and bad times I'll be by your side Forever more That's what friends are for That was a close one.
Well, I don't mean to toot my own horn, but where lesser men might have crumbled under the pressure or perhaps had an accidental whoopsie, I rose to the challenge.
I'm just gonna say what you're all thinking Haskell Lutz is a hero.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [Laughter.]
You super-charged it, huh? [Fire alarm rings.]
Help! My bedroom's on fire! What? I hope that's a euphemism.
Guess what.
I'm back to my pre-baby weight.
Those last 6 ounces were a bitch.
The secret was laying off the tic tacs.
Holly, are you okay? What's wrong? I had a little fire in my apartment last night.
How little? My bedroom burned down.
- Oh, my God.
- Mm.
That's not even the worst part.
The condo board is sending over an investigator to determine the cause.
So? So it's me.
I'm the cause.
How did you cause the fire? With this.
With a karaoke mic? No, that's my Bob.
I knew you had one! [Laughs.]
Jeez, what's the matter? Couldn't find one that was steam-powered? I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I mean, I don't know what happened.
I-I turned it on, it turned me on, and then sparks started shooting out of my outlet.
Isn't that the goal? I don't know what I'm gonna do.
They're gonna locate the source and ask what was plugged in.
So just tell the truth.
Are you crazy? I'd be the laughing stock of the building.
Stuff like this always gets out.
I should know.
I usually leak it.
I'm just gonna have to lie.
You can't perjure yourself.
You're a lawyer.
I don't mean lie lie.
I mean use legalese to dance around the truth.
Let's face it.
I am a master of twisting language.
- Oh, really? - Yes, really.
Let's see.
Well, miss Franklin, you might be interested to know we found the source of the fire.
There is a burned-out outlet inches from your bed.
I don't see how that's relevant.
Inches! So was anyone with you the night of said fire? That question is completely immaterial to the case at hand, but yes, I was alone.
Alone? Interesting.
Tell me, what was a single woman with pent-up needs doing late at night alone in her bedroom with an electrical device? I-I Just answer the question.
[Mockingly stammers.]
Tell me the truth! Tell me! I was pleasuring myself with my midnight rider! Anyone spoken to Holly? No, but some investigator has been in there - poking around for hours.
- Oh.
I can't stop thinking about how Holly could be blamed for starting the fire.
I know.
I haven't been able to sleep all day.
Good, because you're the one who turned her thingy into a flamethrower.
I'll have you know I had that vibrator purring like a Ferrari.
She must have been off-roading.
Well, look.
All I know is, because of us, Holly could get thrown out of the building.
That condo board President Percy is a killer.
[Knock at door.]
Oh.
Hello, Percy.
Can we help you? Where is miss Franklin? The board needs to speak with her.
May I ask what this is in reference to? You may, but I'm not gonna tell you.
- Percy? - Oh! What's going on? There you are.
Our investigator found the exact cause of the fire.
We need to talk.
All right.
Great.
I'll have my assistant set something up.
How's your 2014 looking? We need to talk, now.
Okay.
Holly, Holly, I-I have something I need - to tell you.
- Okay, but make it quick.
We while you were out of town, I was watering your plants and I pulled a muscle, so I was looking for something to ease the pain.
And I took I-I took Took what did you What did you take, Stuart? I took a couple of Tylenols.
Well, next time, ask! Come on in.
Have a seat.
[Laughs nervously.]
Can I get you anything to drink? Some orange juice, water, cash to make this all go away? Miss Franklin, about the fire Oh, who cares about a little ol'fire? The little ol'board does.
Now we know that the fire started in an outlet right next to your bed.
- And the cause - Come on.
We all have our needs.
Am I right, sister? The cause was faulty wiring in the wall.
- What? - It's old.
It should have been replaced years ago.
The entire building is going to be rewired.
So it had nothing to do with whatever was plugged into the wall? No.
It would not have mattered.
This is an outrage! There I was, lying in bed reading my Bible, not realizing I was living in a deathtrap.
I want an insurance check asap.
And while my bedroom's being renovated, I expect to be put up in a four-star hotel.
Stop the witch hunt! The fire wasn't her fault.
- It was ours.
- Yeah.
We're the reason Holly's vibrator caught fire.
- What? - Excuse me? Yeah, I-I took it, and they broke it, and he "fixed" it.
I don't know what they're talking about.
We're talking about your vibrator, Holly.
Your boom-boom stick! Your love buzzer! Oh, my God.
I've got this.
The only thing this woman is guilty of is being human.
After all, who amongst us haven't drawn a bath, lit a candle, put on a little Michael buble and knocked one out? The fire was caused by faulty wiring in the building.
Oh.
It had nothing to do with what was ever plugged in.
Nothing.
- Nothing! - [Gasps.]
Run? - Yeah! - [Shouts.]
Listen, Holly.
We really wanted Silence! First of all, how did you get ahold of my bedtime buddy? Everything I told you before was absolutely true.
Just take out the word "Tylenol" and replace it with "vibrator.
" He thought it was your back massager.
That explains everything.
You're an idiot! Why didn't you just tell me you broke it? We didn't want to embarrass you.
That worked out swell.
We were worried you'd be weird around us.
We didn't want to jeopardize our friendship.
- We're sorry, Holly.
- Yeah, really sorry.
Okay.
Since we are all mature, well-adjusted adults, we are going to pretend this never happened and never speak of it again.
- Yep.
- I'd rather lose my tongue.
However, before we do, since you now each know something personal about me, you're each going to tell me something about you.
Something that would make you feel uncomfortable, may embarrassed you.
All right.
Okay.
I'll go first.
Huh, when we were at sex store, I bought something when you guys weren't looking.
In fact, I'm Using it right now.
Better go.
Go, go.
Go.