The Fast Show s03e01 Episode Script

This season I'll be mostly wearing Dolce E Gabbana.
(CAR ACCELERATES) (EXPLOSION) Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne, here, in a French maids' finishing school, at three o'clock in the morning, with my reputation? Bingo! Hiya, love.
Aw, microwave meal for one.
Live on your own? Aww! Parmesan cheese.
Do you know, it smells like an old tramp's crotch, that does.
Baked beans and sausages.
They aren't real, t'sausages, you know.
They're little piddly things, make the beans taste funny.
Four Guinness.
Aw, d'you know what, gives me dad the shits, that does, it really does.
Ribbed condoms.
Very thoughtful! Matches.
Are they for the fire or do you light your own farts, eh? £12.
40, please, love.
– All right, all right.
Let him go! – That's enough! – That man robbed me! – That is enough! Let him go.
We'll sort this out.
I was buying some flowers and I felt something and I turned and I saw him! – He was running away, so I chased after him – I was running for the bus! – Bollocks! – Nah, nah, look, it's all right.
It was me.
– Keep out of this, sir.
– I done it.
All right.
Thank you, sir.
Look at me moue.
It's a little bit wuuuuh, a little bit wa–a–ay, a little bit dodgy! I'm a geezer.
Look at him! He's a little bit nyyyyuuu, a little bit ''I was running for the bus!'' I'm a cockney.
I will nick anything and I've nicked his wallet.
Here it is.
You've found it.
Great.
He must have thrown it away when he was running – Can I offer you a reward? – I want bleedin' recognition.
– This is embarrassing.
– Can you just move along, please? – All right, sod yer, then.
– Right, that's enough.
(CAR HORN) – I'll be off, then.
– Could you move along, please, sir? – How did you two meet? – Well, it was a bit unexpected.
– I was working – We were both assigned the same project and – You tell it.
– No, you're better at getting the details right.
– Yes, but it was love at first sight, wasn't it? – Yeah, definitely.
Even before she'd spoken, I knew she was the one for me.
– You know when you've met the right person.
– Hah! (COOLJAZZ) Hello, and welcome to ''Jazz Club''.
Great.
Really great.
On the show today, Jackson Jeffrey Jackson, surely the most innovative force in modern jazz trumpet styling.
Nice.
– Hello, Jackson, and welcome to ''Jazz Club''.
– (AMERICAN ACCENT) Hello.
Now, tell us, Jackson, what's so special about your approach to jazz? What I'm saying, in the way that I play, I play, like, you know, the B flat trumpet.
She blows a major second blow to start out in the standard style.
– What I'm saying is, you take the key of C.
– Yep.
You got your harmonic series, but that's all you got, man.
That's all you got.
You got C, E, F, but that's all.
You can run up and down, but you can't run sideways! You can't run from the law! See what I'm saying? I'm outside the law.
See, what I'm saying is, you got exhalation and you got inhalation – two different things.
You screw up, you got mutilation, you see what I'm saying? Mm.
II see.
To sum it all up, Jackson? I don't blow, I suck.
Great.
So, here's Jackson Jeffrey Jackson with What are you gonna play for us today? – Trumpet.
– Erno, what tune? Tune?! This is jazz! Great.
Well, inhale away Jackson Jeffrey Jackson.
(UPBEATJAZZ) (SUCKING NOISE) (SLURPING, GURGLING NOISES) – Hello, dear! How's it going? – Oh, I think I'm on top of it.
Now, did you get the eggs, the butter and the potatoes? Even better than that.
I got some biscuits shaped like radios, a map of Cairo and an ice pick! Three goes for £1 and one for 10 bob, in case you're wondering.
– Thanks.
– Used to be a right good jukebox years ago.
Bit of Tamla Motown, 12 country and western, ''If The Kids Are United'' by Sham 69.
The brewery took it off.
I used to put it on lunchtimes, drive 'em all mad! You're spoilt for choice these days with these CD compilations.
''Now That's What I Call Music, 842.
'' Go on, put Phil Collins on.
G7.
I can feel it coming in the air tonight Oh, Lord Tell you what, give us £1, I'll sing it for yer! Nah, I'm only joking with yer! Put Phil Collins on – G7.
You know where you are with that.
Simple, innit? That's the kiddie.
(# SHAM 69: ''IF THE KIDS ARE UNITED'') Ted? Ah, Ted.
Um It's all right, don't get up.
Eryes, I gather Mrs Ted has won some money on the lottery, Ted.
– That's right, sir.
– I suppose you'll be leaving us for a new life on some sunny Caribbean island somewhere, then.
– She only won £10, sir.
– Oh, thank God for that! Tell her well done from me, Ted.
UmI don't do the lottery myself, but always nice to win things, I should imagine.
Yes, now, I'd forgotten the real reason I came to talk to you, Ted.
UmI need to be in town before 12 and I have a problem with the car, in as much as it won't start.
I imagine it's the battery or some such thing.
You see, I need to be at the bank to see a man, thethe bank manager.
Is there any way you might be able to give me a lift? – Umthe Land Rover's still in the garage, sir.
– Yes, and is the tractor still out of action? – 'Fraid so, sir.
– Hm.
(BOTH SPEAK AT ONCE) (WELSH ACCENT) When I first come to London, I thought, ''Jesus, it's bloody huge!'' I'm used to it now, mind.
– Hi, Danny, this is Rory, the stunt arranger.
– Hello.
– And this is Chip Cobb, the actual stuntman.
– Chip Cobb, stuntman.
Great.
Hi.
This is Brian French, the actor you're doubling.
– I don't need a ladder.
– Belinda, my assistant.
On the set, I'll walk you through the shot.
Basically, it's a bar scene.
There's a fight.
Swap with Brian when he's hit over the head with a chair.
– Anything you need, go through it with Belinda.
– Go through the window, all right.
(THUD!) – That your lorry outside, is it, eh? – Yeah.
Oh, yeah? Long–distance lorry driver, are you? Yeah? That's the hardest game in the world, innit, eh? I done it myself, you see.
30 years, man and boy, yeah.
I lied about my age to get me HGV, yeah.
I was eight years old.
I couldn't even see out the front of the cab.
They had to put me up on blocks, oh, yeah.
Hardest game in the world, yeah.
I done a 27–day straight run once with no sleep.
From Cherbourg right through to Sydney.
Or Constantinople, as it was then, of course.
I'll tell you the funny thing, the joke of it.
When I got there, I realised I'd only taken the cab! I'd left the whole load behind in a trailer park near Slough.
Yeah, hardest game in the world.
I've had to knock it on the head.
'Cause I got a terrible back injury after I picked up an hitchhiking belly dancer in Turkey, do you see what I'm saying? I was over the old club lake on Saturday.
I had four carp.
One of them was 18 and a half pound.
Stan didn't have nothin'.
Tell you what, I'd have loved to have gone to one of Old Blue Eyes's comeback gigs.
I'd love to have met Frank.
He's had a lot of pain in his life, as well, ain't he? Still, happy days.
(GRUFF VOICE) Men have changed and so have we! Summat right different from Cheesy Peas.
A dramatic new fragrance for Northern man.
Oh, yeah! It's cheesy and peasy and hides ponginess! Aren't shelves brilliant? I mean, imagine if we didn't 'ave 'em.
Everything'd just be in a big pile on the floor, a dirty great big pile! Hooks are good, hooks are useful, but you couldn't hang books on an 'ook.
Or cans of soup.
No.
As long as we've got gravity, we'll need shelves.
In't gravity brilliant? It's fantastic, in't it? Well, it's not like I wander round going, ''In't gravity brilliant?'' Well, I do.
It's not that it's brilliant, more that it's useful, you know.
It's good at holding us down.
In fact, it's the best thing we've got for holding us down.
I mean, imagine life without gravity.
Imagine going to the toilet without gravity.
Be terrible, wouldn't it? Go on, imagine it! See? – (MECHANICAL VOICE) I'm a alien! I'm a alien! – Are you really, Colin? – I'm a alien! Did you watch it last night? – Watch what? – I'm a alien! You know, on BBC2.
– No, I don't watch it.
Oh, you must! It's the best sketch show for years! It's fantastisch! – No, I was watching the other side.
– There was a new character.
Mr Pork! (FALSETTO) Pork! Is that pork? Where's the pork?! Hello, have you got the pork? Is it in here? Ooh, where's the pork? Oh, porca! There's the pork! Ha ha ha ha! – Sounds great.
– Oh, and what about the sports–car freak? And the Turnip family! Bonjour, Monsignor Turnip! I watched the other side with my wife Tessa.
Programme about stag beetles.
It was really good.
They've got these massive antlers and they fight each other and gouge – Pork! Is that pork? – Piss off, Colin! I'm a alien! – I'm a alien! – I'm a alien! – I'm a alien! – I'm a alien! Wasn't it brilliant? What? – Last night.
– What? I'm a alien! Oh, the thing about stag beetles! Wasn't it amazing? – One just bit the other one's leg right off! – Incredible! – I couldn't believe the antlers – I'm a alien! – I'm a alien! – I'm a alien! – I'm a alien! – Oh, wasn't it good? Pork! Pork! I know that, but did HE know that? Did he know that? I think not! – I shall return! – I shall return! That's all done, Ted.
– I really I can't thank you enough for that.
– It's all right, sir.
I'll just climb aboard, shall I? And we can be on our way.
(THUNDER) (MELODRAMATIC MUSIC) (LISPS) Spice Girls, Christmas number one.
You mark my words.
Monster! Jill Dando's Pulse, madam? It's our fragrance of the month, with a lovely, haunting aroma suggesting both mystery and intrigue.
– No, thank you.
– Are you sure? Not even a squirt on the wrist? Oh, wellhere's a little tip.
It might help cover up that nasty smell of! My word, it's a bit pungent, isn't it? It's not nice.
I'm guessing you're divorced if you've let yourself lapse in the feminine–hygiene department.
You mark my words, you'll have difficulty keeping a man smelling like that.
Perhaps that's why your husband left in the first place.
– I beg your pardon! – No offence.
(DIDGERIDOO) Hello, and welcome to ''That's Amazing'', the show that kicks the backside of reality and batters it into submission, only to show it a bit of mercy at the end and buy it a drink.
And today we've got a bloke who's promised us something truly amazing.
So let's welcome, all the way from Cairns, a big hello to Jack Off! Ah, great name, mate! – It's pronounced ''Of–fuff'', mate.
– Yeah, well .
.
it's written ''Off'', mate! Please welcome Jack Off! – Of–fuff.
– Off! If that's your attitude, stick your bloody programme! No, no, no, mate, I'm only joking.
Sorry, Jack Off! If you're just gonna pull me pisser, I'm gone.
I had something truly amazing to show you.
Oh, really? What did you have? A dancing dog? A frog that plays the drums? – A magic typewriter that writes by itself? – It's your poxy show, mate! – Why do you invite these arseholes on? – Oh, piss off, Of–fuff! 'Ere, and take Keith Moon with you! – What is a woman, Paul? – Beg your pardon, Swiss? Watch me.
Learn from me.
I could teach you everything about this business.
These aren't cars we're selling here, they're dreams.
And to know about cars, to know about dreams, you have to know about women.
Right.
A woman is not just a creature that likes fine wines, Whitney Houston films and the manly smell of a pipe.
A woman is a complex, mysterious box of tricks.
When you're selling a car to a woman, imagine you're making love to her.
You have to seduce her, and when she buys, that's the big O – orgasm central.
A multiple orgasm would be if she bought lots of cars.
– Like a fleet? – Yes, butthat never happens.
– What if you're selling a car to a bloke? – Then it's about todgers.
– These aren't cars, they're todgers.
– But you said they were dreams.
– You never dream about todgers? – No.
I never do that, obviously.
Selling a car to a man all comes down to who's got the biggest todger.
You have to make him think his is bigger, but, in order to sell it to him, you have to know that yours is the biggest.
You have to tell yourself, ''I've got the biggest todger in the world.
'' – I've got the biggest todger in the world.
– It's not as big as mine, not as big as mine.
At the time I was still a (MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY) Like a giant marshmallow! (MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY) .
.
fingerless gloves, very sensual.
And I remember (MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY) just off St Alexander Square.
You know, behind the chocolate shop! .
.
the head had become completely detached.
Blobble–lobble–lobble–lobble–lobble! We always felt like we were being watched.
.
.
only I went completely cross–eyed! You MUST have been there! Oh, you must go! It's quite, quite, quite, quite beautiful! .
.
a lorry–load of interesting cheeses.
.
.
there is no art to find in the mind's construction of the face.
.
.
and they make their burrows in rotten wood.
But even then .
.
and a face like a man in the moon and an arse to match! Shoot him, you fool! I didn't hear any of it, of course.
I'm afraid I was very, very drunk.
We've got Jack down, but who knows if he'll get in? Finding the right school really can be a nightmare, can't it? God, you're so detached from reality! Come on, let's talk about football! Right! Now, did any of you watch ''Match Of The Day'' on Saturday? – No.
– No.
So, gin and tonic? Two gin and tonics.
– What do you want to drink? – I'll get the drinks.
I'm going over here to talk to the lads.
– Hi, there! – Hello.
– Are you talking about football? – No.
Great, isn't it? Great! Football! I love the Arsenal, do you? – No.
– You're Spurs supporters? Grrr! – (BOTH) No.
– You're our sworn enemy! Come on, the Arsenal! I love it! Go every week, sit in the same place! – Do you go to North Bank? – What? – North Bank.
– No.
I've got a seat with a really good view.
Not as good as at Manchester United.
I used to support Manchester United, but they weren't doing as well, so I moved to Arsenal.
– And they wear red.
I like red.
– See the game Wednesday? Brilliant! Did I see the game?! Cor! I couldn't actually get to the match.
I had some friends round for dinner.
I saw a couple of goals on the news.
– On the edge of my seat! – Reckon he was right to go to flat–pack four? And what do you think for Chelsea? Do you think he should revert to a sweeping pattern midfield? What are the schools like in your area? My dad was a miner and my dad's dad was a miner before him.
They've closed all the bloody pits down now.
Not that I give a toss.
Whoa, whoa, wait! Don't give me a ticket! – I know what you're gonna say.
– Please I've heard it all before.
You're gonna say these shoes make me look like a lesbian.
I don't choose to wear them.
They're standard issue.
– Eh? – OK.
You think the hat's worse than the shoes.
To be honest, I'm torn between which is worse myself.
Will they take new design ideas incorporating both fashion and authority? Will they hell! – Just gimme the ticket – Never mind about that.
Concentrating on the jacket – done up or unbuttoned? Which is most flattering? While you're thinking about that, tell me the truth.
Does my bum look big in this skirt? Mantenato cette soiré animation unpopulaire.
(CHIRPY MUSIC) Ahhhhhhhhhh, aahhhhhh! Eeeeeeeee! Min–min–min–min–min–min–min–min! (GIRL'S VOICE) Ohhh! In snurbins nort little platicatimorat in begons geplitz pasimal.
Bellin–sting dost ego baco catraxia miscarra frondo! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! TedI do feel a fool.
You won't believe what's happened.
– I appear to have left my wallet in the bank.
– Oh.
Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne, here, in a student nurses' hall of residence, with my reputation, at three o'clock in the morning? Has no one thought of the consequences? Oh, well! #By a moonlight shadow #He passed on worried and warning # Carried away by a moonlight shadow #Lost in a riddle that Saturday # He–ey! How are you doin'? My name is Dave Angel, and you see that lady there? That's my missus Shirley, and we haven't had sex for 12 years.
It don't matter.
We've got better things to do.
– My Shirley, like most women, uses hairspray.
– (FLY BUZZES) But she don't use an aerosol, not any more.
You see, during the 1970s and '80s, aerosols were everywhere, and the gases from these harmless–looking cans floated up through the atmosphere and into the stratosphere where they started knocking on heaven's door, creating a hole in the ozone layer.
The ozone layer protects you and me and all the kiddies, God bless 'em, from the sun's harmful rays, the ones that burn your bonce.
These rays are forever pouring through those holes – wallop, wallop, wallop! We all love a tan, but no one likes skin cancer.
So have a think and have a heart.
(AEROSOL WHOOSHES) 'Scuse me one minute, will you, please? Shirley, don't do that, love.
Don't do that! – Haven't I seen you somewhere before, sir? – I'm an actor.
– I have done one or two commercials.
– We don't watch television, sir.
Well, I have done some Shakespeare, although That's right, sir, I've seen your Hamlet, haven't I, sir? It was only a small production, sir, but your Hamlet really stood out! – Have you seen Kenneth Branagh's Hamlet? – Y–Yes.
Oh! Kenneth Branagh's is an extraordinary Hamlet, isn't it, sir? Quite exquisite, sir! Oh! The things he does with his Hamlet beggars belief, sir.
I thought I'd seen every type of Hamlet there was till I saw Kenneth's.
Suit you, sir.
– Did you find it too long? – No.
I like a long Hamlet.
– Don't you, sir? – Oh! It was even longer than Olivier's.
Yes, but when I saw Olivier's Hamlet on stage, it was perfect.
The audience gasped in wonder at it.
I didn't think Kenneth Branagh had the physical presence to carry off such an enormous Hamlet.
Ah, but he did, Ken.
And, apparently, it brought tears to Kate Winslet's eyes.
– Suit you, sir.
– Oh, suit you.
Goodness, you have got a big penis, haven't you? That'ser That's got it, Ted.
Let's hope I haven't forgotten anything else.
We'll be back and forwards all afternoon.
Shall Iermount up? Umyou know, sir, there's no need for you to hold on quite so tightly, sir.
You're quite safe.
You won't fall off, sir.
Yes, yes, of course, Ted.
I'm sorry.
(WET SUCKING NOISE) (TUNELESS SQUEAKING/ PHEGLMY SPITTING) When I was a very small boy, one hot midsummer afternoon in the garden, I was sitting very still in my play tent when something made me look up, and I saw a hobgoblin sitting in Daddy's wheelbarrow .
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which was nice.