The Good Place (2016) s03e01 Episode Script
Everything Is Bonzer!
1 I still believe that they would have become good people if they'd just gotten a push in the right direction.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
- Oh, no! - What are they talking about? - No idea.
- It's only four people, and it's clearly the best way to see if bad people can become good without knowing anything about what's waiting for them in the afterlife.
[GROANING.]
- Okay, let's do it.
- Yes! But there have to be strict rules.
Otherwise, the results will be tainted, and I reserve the right to change my mind at any point.
Would someone who's not an eternal being please explain to me what the f [TENTATIVE MUSIC.]
Hi, I'm Michael.
You must be The Doorman.
Ah.
This is wild.
I had no idea this was even here.
So I have this ruling from The Judge.
Heading on down to Earth to reverse the deaths of these four people.
It's kind of tricky, you know? It starts up a new timeline, so there might be some ripple effects.
But it's necessary for the experiment that we're doing there.
So, how long's this trip take? Hope I don't get a middle seat.
[SNAPS, CHUCKLES.]
Wow, I haven't heard a joke in 8,000 years.
And I still haven't.
That's the door to Earth.
You go through there, you'll be wherever you need to be.
You won't have any other powers, though.
You want to get around, you're just going to have to - take a bus or something.
- A bus? Oh, boy, oh, man! I'm going to sit in a front-facing seat.
Or or no, maybe a sideways-facing seat.
I'm I'm going to get so motion sick! Oh, man! What do I do, just grab that key here Whoa, whoa, whoa! This key is made of the very first atoms that came into existence in the universe.
It is one of a kind and cannot be duplicated.
See? "Do Not Duplicate.
" Only I touch this key.
Oh, and what's the significance of the keychain? Nothing, I just like frogs.
I'm a frog guy.
When you need to get back here, make sure you're alone.
Press this button.
Any questions? No? Great.
Knock yourself out.
[LIGHTLY TENSE MUSIC.]
Uh-oh.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I-I'm sorry, but this is an important moment - On your right, mate! - Oh, jeez, watch it, man! [YELLS.]
Come down! Come down where you belong.
[SCREAMS.]
Buongiorno.
Buongiorno.
[GROANS.]
Oh, wow! I was just on Earth.
It was incredible.
The the traffic, the pigeons.
And I saw this place that was, at once, a Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell! I mean, oh! The mind reels.
A Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell! Ah! [BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Oh, Janet, it was everything I ever imagined.
I got to ride a bike.
I put a coin in a thing and got a gumball.
And then someone came up to me and said, "Hot enough for ya?" And you know what I said? I said, "Tell me about it.
" [LAUGHS.]
Well, I am glad that you got to chew a gumball.
Oh, damn.
I didn't even think to chew it.
Missed opportunity, shoot.
Did you also save their lives? Yes, of course.
Everyone is safe.
Including Jason.
Now we just sit back and watch as they become better people.
Being good is for suckers.
What do you even get out of it? I quit.
Eat my farts, Benedict Cumberbatch.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
Morning, Chidi.
Blueberry muffin for ya? Uh, I don't know, maybe.
I can't decide.
- You all right there, mate? - Okay, I've made my decision.
I want to start crying.
[LOUD SOB.]
Hey, Tahani Al-Jamil.
I'm from "International Sophisticate Magazine.
" Mind if we ask you 582 questions? - Sounds delightful.
- Where are we, exactly? My pied-a-terre, just off the coast of "Barthelona.
" What's one thing people don't know about you? That I was such a tomboy in high school.
- See? - Wow! Looking good.
Okay, next question.
Who would you say is the most famous person in your phone? It's not about who you know.
Enlightenment comes from within.
The Dalai Lama texted me that.
K, will you make me the happiest man in the world, and agree to be my wife? No.
Do you think my name is the letter K? Just say yes.
If we're married, legally you can't arrest me.
Plus, bonus you get half the stuff I stole.
Yep, he just confessed to the robbery.
Damn it.
[EXHALES.]
You realize what the problem is, right? Yes, but there's no way to help.
Maybe there is.
In the afterlife, they all got better because they helped each other.
And the key to that was Chidi and Eleanor's connection.
If I get the two of them together, - everything else will follow.
- Michael, no.
I'm going to meet Eleanor someplace and plant the idea in her mind that she needs to find Chidi.
Oh, and then maybe I'll visit Chidi and make sure that he helps her when she shows up.
I'm just going to nudge the two of them together.
Just nudge-y nudge nudge.
The Judge was pretty clear in her instructions, and The Judge is, you know, The Judge of, you know, the universe.
She'll never find out.
She spends all her time in her chambers bingeing TV shows.
She's watching all of "NCIS" right now.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Hey, there.
Need to head on back to Earth.
Travel papers.
Yeah.
You know, The Judge said to use the same ones.
Because I'm, uh, you know, visiting the same people.
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.
I brought you a nice hot cup of antimatter.
I usually only drink decaf antimatter.
- Ah.
- Eh, I'll take it.
It's only 4:30.
My shift doesn't end until 9 billion.
Ooh.
- What do I owe ya? - The real question, Eleanor, is what do we owe to each other? What do we owe to each other? That is the question Tim Scanlon asked decades ago, and it is the question I will try to answer over the next three hours.
Are you Chidi Anna Kendrick? Anagonye, and yes.
Great, hi.
My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.
- Can we talk? - Sure.
Okay, uh, where do I start? I'm not, like, the best person in the world.
I'm a trash bag from Arizona, which is saying something.
Our biggest exports are racist sheriffs and HPV.
But about a year ago, something crazy happened [KNOCKING.]
And I [BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH.]
Sorry.
I've been flying for like, 40 hours.
This is Australia, right? Yes.
I grew up in Senegal, so my native language is French.
But I went to American schools, so I also speak English.
- Oh.
- And German and Greek.
And Latin, just in case it ever comes back.
Cool.
I once got 12 out of 12 on a Buzzfeed quiz called "Do you know all the slang words the Kardashians invented?" - Congratulations? - Thank you.
I'm going to be honest.
I did cheat.
But you were saying something crazy happened to you? Yes, uh, I almost died.
And it made me want to become a better person, which I did for a while.
But then I fell back into my old trash bag ways.
Yesterday, I saw your lecture, and something just clicked.
Wait, you flew all the way here from Arizona just to see me? You know what, don't flatter yourself, pal.
Sorry, that's a knee-jerk reaction.
Yes, that's exactly what I did.
And I know that seems zonk-atronic that's Khloe's word for crazy but I need someone to help guide me, morally speaking.
And I think I need it to be you.
What do you say? Will you help me become a good person? [SOFT MUSIC.]
- Yes.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[INHALES.]
I'll start you off with some introductory philosophy books, and then we'll meet here once a week.
Great.
Ideally, some of those books will have been made into a movie or maybe a funny GIF.
But anything's good with me, man.
- Can I ask you something? - Mm-hmm.
Why are you helping me? I'm a teacher.
That's my job.
Yeah, but I'm not your student.
I'm just some hot rando who walked in off the street.
There's got to be another reason.
Yes, there is.
Um I also had a near-death experience.
- Whoa.
- Well, I mean, I don't know for sure that I would have died, but, it was pretty nuts.
I'm sorry, but this is an important moment in our friendship - On your right, mate! - Oh, jeez.
Watch it, man! [YELLS.]
Oh, my God.
Are you okay? That that is right where I was standing.
I was frozen here, unable to make a single decision, and I almost got crushed by an air conditioner.
This is a sign.
I shouldn't be using air conditioners.
The freon is awful for the environment.
That's the lesson you take from this? Chidi, your brain is broken.
You need to fix your brain.
So in a nutshell, I have a 3,600-page thesis that I am nowhere near finishing, I am absolutely paralyzed by decision-making, and it is destroying my life.
Yeah, I sort of got that when you couldn't choose a chair to sit on.
Well, I didn't want to offend you in case you had a favorite.
Look, I know I just kind of nope walked in here, and you don't know me at all, but is there any way to tell if my indecision is due to a brain thing? Um, yeah, sure.
Now what we do is we make a lengthy incision from your eyebrows to the nape of your neck, and we peel your face back, right, then slice your skull open.
And I just randomly stab at your brain with an electrified needle.
The fun part is you're awake the whole time.
Uh I'm kidding! I'll just give you an MRI and look at the part of your brain that controls decision-making.
Oh, I want that.
I need to learn about my brain, please.
Well, so you just march into my office unannounced, tell me your brain is broken, then demand I drop everything and just put you in the university's $3 million MRI machine? Oh, I'm sorry, I just I freaking love it.
You're so weird! Let's go.
- Right now? - Oh, yeah, come on.
Oh okay.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
This is your hippocampus.
It regulates memory.
Yours looks great, very strong.
Gorgeous hippocampus here! [BOTH LAUGH.]
This is your ventromedial prefrontal cortex, the center of decision-making.
This is where the magic happens.
Do you see how it's all lit up? That's a flurry of activity that occurred when I asked you to choose between red and blue, and you almost passed out.
Is it too late to pick blue instead? It is, yeah.
The point is, at first glance, your brain is very healthy.
Huh, there are actual answers here, data you can observe and learn from.
Yeah, man, science is all about getting answers.
You philosophers can spend your entire life mulling over a single questions.
That's why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.
- [LAUGHS.]
- No offense.
Oh, none taken.
We suck.
- Yeah.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Chidi.
- One blueberry muffin, please.
Why choose to be good every day? I argue that we choose to be good because of our bonds with other people.
Simply put, we are not in this alone.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE.]
Wow, Chidi.
You chose that muffin in less than a minute.
That beats your old record by 59 minutes.
Henry, I feel amazing.
I am 100 pages into my new thesis, and it is some of the best writing that I have ever done.
I haven't been this happy since Oh, wow.
I've never been happy.
- Ha! - Bad! I'm proud of you, mate.
It must be really nice to live that way.
Well, that's the beauty of it.
Anyone can live this way.
Just decide to be more decisive.
Like, what's something that you've always wanted to do? I mean, I have been putting off getting in shape.
Then make the decision to wake up tomorrow morning and get in shape.
It is that easy.
Okay.
Maybe I will! - What have you got to lose? - Nothing! Henry, what happened to you? Well, I was using the leg press at the gym, and you know how your legs bend a certain way? My legs bend the other way now.
Oh, no.
All the tendons in my legs snapped like violin strings, and then, my foot flew forwards, and I kicked myself in the face, which gave me a concussion.
But on the bright side, I lost control of my bladder.
Someone got it on video, and now "Leg Press Whizzer" has 62,000 views on Youtube.
- I'm famous.
- This is all my fault.
I did this to you.
Oh oh, muffins! I brought blueberry muffins.
Oh, no, you shouldn't eat blueberries anymore.
Read an article.
The migrant workers who pick them are horribly mistreated.
Yaaaaaaah! [BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Good morning, Chidi.
Blueberry muffin for ya? Uh, I don't know, maybe.
I can't decide.
- You all right there, mate? - Okay, I've made my decision.
I want to start crying.
[WHEELS SQUEAK.]
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Excuse me? What is the maximum number of books that I can check out? - Is it 12,000? - Got a wild weekend planned? Well, I need to find a new topic for my thesis, and I had this thing happen that made me more decisive, and a few months ago, my friend broke both of his legs, and it's my fault, and blueberries, and I need help.
- Whoo! - Maybe that help will come from Tay Zonday's autobiography, "Chocolate Book.
" I mean, who's to say? Mate, I've worked in this library a long time, and I've seen a lot of academic types with that same helpless look on their faces.
They all made it through okay.
- Once they learned the secret.
- What's the secret? There's a secret? Is the secret more books? - How many more books do I need? - It's not about books, mate.
It's about perspective.
Sometimes, when you're feeling helpless, the secret is to help someone else.
Get out of your own head.
Trust me.
The next time someone asks for help, say yes.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
A few hours later, you walked in and asked for help.
Now, I don't know if this is going to solve all of my problems, but it's worth a try, right? Well, thank you, sexy librarian guy.
I didn't say he was sexy.
Oh, I know, but whenever anyone tells me a story about their life, I always imagine all the people as being super hot.
Otherwise, I quickly lose interest.
Do you not do that? You can do it for free.
I got to say, I enjoyed playing the role of mysterious librarian, and I really [BAD ACCENT.]
nailed the Australian accent.
- Uh-huh, flawless.
- Thank you.
But the point is, Eleanor and Chidi are together, and now we can relax.
Everything is finally on track.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
- Status report.
- They're plugging away, but we still can't hack into The Judge's system.
Damn it, those four humans have been on Earth for over a year.
I need to know if they're getting better.
Can I just ask? We torture, like, 30 billion humans.
Why do you care so much about these four? [INTENSE MUSICAL BUILDUP.]
Never mind.
Forget I asked.
Serves him right for questioning you, boss.
I think you're doing a great job.
Thank you, Todd.
- No, no, no, no - Why did you do that? I'm a demon.
It's fun.
No one leaves this room until we've accessed The Judge's system.
Would music help? Should I play some music? Good idea.
Choose something deeply terrible to inspire us.
Wherever you go Oh, yeah.
That's the stuff.
So for Aristotle, virtue is practical.
Goodness isn't something that a person just inherently has.
It's something that she achieves through her actions.
- Questions? - Uh, yeah, a few.
I wrote down "what?" "huh?" And then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle, I thought it was pronounced like Chipotle.
Wait a minute, is it "Chip-o-tottle"? These are all great questions.
But I have to meet my thesis adviser across campus.
Oh, well, I'm headed that way, too.
I'll walk with you.
Hey, so, I've been trying to figure out how to pay you back for helping me.
I told you, you don't owe me anything.
At home, when I want to get something nice for one of my friends, it usually comes in the form of something edible.
You get what I'm saying? An "edible" thing? - Please don't buy me drugs.
- Okay, copy that.
I had no choice, I was in his driveway taking pictures when he walked out, so I said "Hey, Mr.
Crowe, I'm from the gas company.
" - "I loved you in 'Gladiator.
'" - Chidi, hey! - Hey! - I got a question.
Is it "What's my thesis topic?" - Because I still don't know.
- No, it's not that.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
You guys haven't met yet.
- Um, Simone, this is Eleanor.
- The famous Simone.
- Nice to meet you.
- You too.
So I've got to do some MRI scans as a control for an experiment.
And since you loved it so much last time, I was wondering if you could just pop back in there and help me out? - Oh, absolutely.
- Cool, okay.
Well, just come by my lab at 6:00 and then afterwards, I can buy you dinner as a thank you.
Oh, no, no, you don't have to do that.
Oh, okay.
Well, uh, I'll see you later.
Nice to meet you.
- You, too.
- Yeah.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
- What? - Uh, you and Simone had some real professor dork vibes flowing.
You're both teachers who are hot for teacher.
[SQUEALS.]
How have you not asked her out yet? - Are you scared? - Well, it's not impressive to guess that I'm scared, Eleanor.
I'm scared of everything, and I can't just do things like that.
- Just drop it, okay? - Well Okay, just promise me you'll drop it.
Okay.
I promise.
So you're into Chidi, right? I mean, forgive my bluntness, but I'm usually right about these things.
Well, yeah, but I made it pretty clear a bunch of times, and he's never responded, so I just assumed he wasn't interested.
Okay, I'm all set.
I'm just going to ask you some basic questions, Chidi.
- What is one plus one? - Two.
- What color is the sky? - Blue.
What color are Simone's eyes? Brown.
Uh uh, what? If you could take Simone anywhere on a date, where would you take her? Sorry, is this part of the experiment? It is now, yes.
Please answer the question.
And keep in mind, we can see your brain.
Next question.
You are into Simone.
- That's not a question.
- So you agree it's a fact.
Next question's for Simone.
Simone, are you annoyed at Chidi for waiting so long to ask you out? - Yes, I am.
- Chidi, same question for you.
Are you annoyed at yourself for waiting so long to ask out Simone? I mean, I'm annoyed with you, and I've only known you three weeks.
Yes, I am obviously very annoyed with myself.
Can I get out now? No, you can't.
It'll ruin the science.
There's only one question left, and you got to ask it, bud.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Simone, would you like to have dinner with me? Wow, that is highly inappropriate.
- Uh - I'm just kidding.
Yes, I would.
Thank you for asking.
- Aw, cute.
- This is a disaster.
Michael, relax.
How are the two of them going to bond? There were plenty of reboots where Eleanor and Chidi weren't even soul mates, and he still always helped her.
Simone and Chidi are good together.
I've been running simulations on what their kids will be like.
One of them is hot enough to be on "The Bachelor" and smart enough to never go on "The Bachelor.
" This is not just about Chidi.
I've left too much to chance.
Until our group is back together again, this whole thing is hanging by a thread.
I'm going back down.
You're pressing your luck.
If you keep disobeying Mommy, something bad is going to happen.
- What? - Oh, I don't have a mom, so I've been experimenting with thinking of The Judge as my mom.
- It's weird, forget it.
- Okay.
How are you even going to get Jason and Tahani to Australia? I have no idea, but I have to try.
Well, good luck, Dad.
Nope, also weird.
Just go.
Hey, bud.
Brought you some decaf hazelnut antimatter.
Just a little treat for my old pal, The Doorman.
Heading back down, by the way.
You sure The Judge is okay with you going back to Earth so many times? Oh, yeah, yeah, all good.
See, still got the papers.
Shouldn't be long.
[LIGHTLY TENSE MUSIC.]
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
How are we doing, Steve? I'm trying.
I'm getting close.
Good.
No pressure.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
- [COMPUTER BEEPS.]
- Aha! Someone just went down to Earth, and that gave me a back door into The Judge's system.
Now we can see everything that's happening with all four humans.
[GASPS.]
- Excellent work, Steve.
- [EXHALES.]
Uh-oh, looks like someone's been cocooning again.
You know, it would be a real help if you let me know the next time you were about to [TENSE MUSIC.]
Well, well, well.
Looks like Michael's been caught with his hand in the human jar.
- Good one, boss.
- Shut up, Glenn.
Morning, teach.
Ready to discuss philosophy.
Obviously, I'm kidding.
How was your date with Simone? Spill it, sweetheart.
We had a great time.
Thank you again for bullying me into asking her out.
Well, I owed it to you.
And bonus, I realized I was practicing virtue ethics by helping the two of you bone down.
Okay, not appropriate.
Also, not a great understanding of virtue ethics.
Oh, we can agree to disagree.
But if you must know, it was very chaste.
We didn't even kiss.
- Because you chickened out? - I did! Yeah, I totally chickened out, and I am so mad at myself.
Well, hey, maybe it wasn't the right moment.
Knowing the two of you nerds, your first kiss is going to be while reading Plato in an MRI machine.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, hang on.
Come with me.
Simone, what's the one thing Eleanor and I have in common? You both have a complete disregard for my office hours.
- Sorry, Reginald.
- Oh, no worries.
Look, listen, Eleanor is an Arizona trash bag.
- Yep.
- Her words, not mine.
- Totally.
- Who once told me that her greatest accomplishment was breaking into Charles Barkley's house.
Mm.
He was on the road.
I snuck in through the doggy door.
Tried on all his giant shoes.
One of my top five Christmases.
Listen, the point is, Eleanor and I have nothing in common except that we both almost died, and it made us want to be better people.
This is my thesis idea.
I will explore the effect of near-death experiences on ethical decision-making.
I will get a group of people together who have had near-death experiences, ask them ethical questions, and see if there's any commonalities! That's great! Why are you yelling it at me? Because I need your help! You and your magic brain scan machine.
Oh, of course! A joint study with the neuroscience department.
We can use MRI mapping to see if a near-death experience alters brain function.
There's something there, right? Definitely, I love this.
Great.
Also, I wanted to kiss you last night, but I chickened out, so I'm going to kiss you now.
Good, yes.
I want that, please.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Oh, sorry, Reginald.
What were you saying? Um, that I can't come to class tomorrow - 'cause my grandma died.
- Oof.
Real mood ruiner.
Read the room, dude.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Bingo.
Okay.
Oh, good, you're here.
Eleanor, meet the newest member of our ethical neuro-scientific study, Tahani Al-Jamil.
Hello, Eleanor.
Delighted to meet you.
Al-Jamil.
Oh, you're Kamilah's sister.
I am, yes.
If you want an autograph or something, I can probably arrange it.
Eh, I was never really that into her no offense.
Oh, [LAUGHS.]
I assure you, there is none taken.
So how did you come to join our team? Well, it's a bit of a story, I suppose.
It, uh, began about a year ago.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Come down! Come down where you belong.
Aah! [SCREAMS, COMMOTION.]
- Well done, Tahani.
- Who saved me? Did anyone see who just saved my life? - It was Kamilah! - No, it was a man, I think.
- It was Kamilah! - It was Kamilah! No, it wasn't Kamilah! It was someone over there.
ALL: Kamilah, Kamilah, Kamilah, Kamilah, Kamilah! I had almost died.
And in that very moment, I decided to change my life.
First, I cleansed myself of all the worldly possessions that had been weighing me down like anchors the dresses, the jewels.
I gave them all to Good Will.
That's what I call Prince William.
Since he'd married a commoner, I assumed he'd know some needy people they could go to.
Sure.
Then I deleted all my celebrity contacts from my mobile.
Good-bye, Bono.
Good-bye, The Edge.
Good-bye, The Edge's real phone number that even Bono doesn't have.
And most importantly, I put physical distance between me and my old life.
Book me a flight to Tibet.
I'm going to live in a Buddhist monastery.
I need to get out of the spotlight.
Copy that, I'll see what jets are available.
- No, I'm flying commercial.
- Okay.
- First class, I assume? - No.
I'm a woman of the people now.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Comfort Plus.
And there, in that humble monastery, thousands of miles from the meaningless concerns of high society, I embarked upon a quest for enlightenment.
I learned to embrace a life of simplicity.
I meditated.
I worked.
I gave back to Mother Earth.
And I slept.
My soul had never felt so nourished, until one day, my former life came knocking at the open space where a door would have been if we were given any privacy.
Yo, is that Tahani Al-Jamil? Man, it totes is you! What up? I'm Colby, "Squalor News.
" What are you doing in this monastery? Oh, we're doing a new show about poverty, drug lords, gun running, weird-ass restaurants, skateboarding, oh, and also genocide.
It's called "Society is F'ed.
" What are you doing here, though? Is this where you came after your sister saved your life? I am living here as a way to shed my desire for attention.
Toigh, that's what's up! You got to shed that, right? But listen, if you ever want us to do like a monster profile on you and your monk junk, we would be honored AF.
I think people would be supes interested in what you're doing here, for real.
Look, here's my card.
Think about it.
Of course, I never called him to do that profile because I didn't pursue a life of tranquility to get in front of a camera.
I did it to get out of the spotlight.
And that's what my book is about shedding your need for validation from others.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Publisher says you'll hit 2 million copies sold by next week.
Your "582 Questions With" video was nominated for a BAFTA.
- That's fun.
- Also, they want you for "Oprah.
" "Oprah" is off the air.
No, they want you to take over for Oprah.
Also, this investor wants to meet you.
I checked him out, he's legit.
Tahani.
Gordon Indigo.
I just have to say you are so inspiring.
Aw.
Namaste.
I mean, you really have all these idiots fooled.
- Excuse me? - Listen.
I'm sure you're already rolling in dough from this incredible scam, but have you thought about merch? Because we could, uh, we could partner here.
I made a fortune selling Nirvana Orbs, which is to say, driving range golf balls that I painted silver.
- That's awful.
- No, it's healing.
Wink.
[LAUGHS.]
You should be selling whatever crap you can think of, because these people will buy it.
- That is quite enough.
- Hm? And how dare you insinuate that I'm not authentic? I finished signing your headshots.
- Oh, not now.
- Ms.
Al-Jamil, it's okay.
You and I are the same.
I love what you're doing here.
You get to be rich and famous and not have to do any of the work of helping people.
But I am helping people.
You need to go right now.
Suit yourself.
Look, if you change your mind, I'm online.
Just Google "crystals" that prevent erectile dysfunction.
" [SCOFFS.]
I'm sorry, but Ms.
Al-Jamil doesn't have time to participate in an ethical study at some random university.
If you want to meet her, you can sign up for the "Get Out of the Spotlight" cruise, with special guests Deepak Chopra and Will.
I.
Am.
Hello? This is Tahani Al-Jamil.
Oh, hi, I didn't think I'd actually get you.
My name is Chidi Anagonye, and I'm doing an academic study on near-death experiences and ethical decision-making.
I read an article about you Will it help people? That's all I want to know.
Will this help people? Yes, I I think so.
I I mean, that's the goal.
Send me the info.
I'll be there tomorrow morning.
Wow.
But how had you learned about me, I wonder? A professor I'd never heard of named Charles Brainman sent me an article about you.
Said you'd be perfect for our study.
Well, welcome to Australia.
Oh, if you need a place to crash while you get settled, my motel has a pull-out sofa.
Although, as I say that, and I look at you and your whole thing, I realize that's absurd, and you should probably just get your own place.
Yes, I I think that's best.
- But but thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Three down, one to go.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Sup, bud? I've been looking for you.
Oh, sorry.
Are these your rocks? No, look.
My name is [SNAPS.]
Zach Pizazz.
International talent scout.
I've been tracking your dance troupe, man.
I think you really got the goods.
I want you to come on down to Australia and start a new crew, all right? I'll pay for everything.
You may have a few other obligations, but basically Uh, thanks, but no thanks, man.
- I'm done with dancing.
- But wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You heard what my name was, right? Zach Pizazz? My life is just kind of messed up right now.
I had a really tough year.
- [ROCK SPLASHES.]
- I'm sorry.
Want to talk about it? I'm a pretty good listener.
Well, my year started about a year ago.
[BLOWS.]
Pillboi, I can't breathe, and I'm freaking out, and I'm almost out of whip-its! Pillboi! - [POUNDING IN BACKGROUND.]
- Buongiorno.
Buongiorno.
[GROANS.]
- Yo, what happened? - I couldn't breathe.
The snorkel must have been broken.
Yo, that sucks.
- You ready to get back in there? - No, man.
We're not doing this no more.
I almost died trying to rob a Mexican restaurant.
I have to change my life.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
I know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to win this dance competition.
So you didn't see any other posters there? No, don't think so.
Why? Doesn't matter.
Continue.
Homies, I almost died yesterday.
But we've been given a second chance.
Three months from today, on this very stage in the Carmen Electra auditorium, right here at the Smith & Wesson Performing Arts Center and ATV Repair Shop, we are going to win this dance competition.
How, you ask? By working.
We are going to eat, breathe, and vape dance.
I want you thinking about dance 24/7.
That means every day, you think 20 thoughts about dance for seven minutes.
And if you can't promise me that you'll give this dance crew everything that you've got, then you can walk out that door.
Right now.
Yeah, okay.
I'm out.
What? Come on, Donkey Doug.
After all we've been through? Listen, you know you're my boy, but this sounds like a lot of work.
Good luck.
BOTH: Pew, pew.
Donkey Doug out! Damn, that's a tough blow.
But now that those guys are no longer members of our crew, we can legally rob their houses.
No, Little Peanut.
We're going to do this the right way.
No more crime, and if you don't like that, you can walk out that door.
Right now.
[LOW CHATTER.]
What? Co Oh, come on We still got like 35 people, so let's get to work.
[APPLAUSE.]
Quick announcement.
Will the owner of a 1998 Toyota Tercel with golden pythons painted on both sides, license plate GOT-MILF please see an usher.
Your car has exploded.
All right, ya'll ready for the next act? Please give it up right now for Dance Dance Resolution! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[DANCE MUSIC.]
In the six-year history of this competition, no crew has ever received a perfect score from our judges.
That changed tonight.
But before we get to that, Dance Dance Resolution has been disqualified.
What? No, why? Because you have 40 people onstage.
The limit is eight.
Also, one of your members tried to carjack me - on my way in here.
- No, that was Donkey Doug, and he's not a part of our crew anymore.
We win! We win! ALL: We win, we win, we win! No, again, you are disqualified.
And the winner is Panther Blood! And the winner is Suck Monsters! And the winner is Nobody.
All teams are disqualified due to violence.
[GROANING.]
Okay, well, we're out of rent money.
So remember that thing I said about no more crime? That's over now.
Go do crime.
Yep, he just confessed to the robbery.
- Damn it! - That was easy.
Look, please let me go.
I only did it to pay rent for my dance crew's rehearsal space.
Oh, well then, you're in luck.
We only arrest people for robbery if they don't have a reason.
Sorry it took me so long to bail you out.
No, it was my fault.
I shouldn't have used my one phone call to prank the police department.
Man, a year ago, I almost died, and I'm exactly the same as I was before.
- A failure.
- You're not a failure.
You're a dreamer.
Look, I like my job at the old folk's home.
Those old biddies are sweet, and sometimes they give me what they think are candy but are really loose Vicodin.
But when I'm with you, I feel like the sky's the limit.
I feel like someday, I'll be able to buy my own Vicodin.
And it'll never turn out to actually be laxatives.
Thanks, dog, but if my life ended today, what would my legacy be? Sure, I did a wheelie on a dirt bike through an entire Waffle House, and I was once interviewed on the news for finding a foot on the beach.
But yo, other than that, I have no truly great accomplishments.
Bro.
I'm only saying this because I love you.
Do you want a Vicodin right now? So I walked out of that bar, came down to this wharf, threw a rock at a snake, met a guy named Zach Pizazz, talked to him about my crazy year that I've had which started when I was locked in a safe.
No, that was me.
I'm Zach Pizazz.
- We're caught up now.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- A year ago, if you had asked me to run a dance crew in Atlantis - Australia.
- I would have said yes for sure.
But now, and I know this sounds crazy, but I'm starting to think there might be more to life than amateur street dancing competitions.
It's funny, but I know exactly what you mean.
My goal in life used to be completely different, too.
I used to, um rep this crew called the Demons.
Whoa, I remember you guys! Didn't you all die when someone brought a hammerhead shark into your hot tub? Different Demons.
The point is, I had to leave my old crew behind, you know? But I met new friends who helped me become a better person.
Look, I know this group of people who are also searching for meaning.
They might be able to help you find what you're looking for.
What do you think? You want to go meet them? Yeah, that sounds great.
Do we have to leave right now? My friend gave me a pill that I realized one second ago was definitely a laxative.
No, go, go.
[WHOOSH.]
Well, that is the last time I'll need to head back down there.
So to thank you for your help, I brought you back something from Earth.
A little token of my appreciation.
It keeps your antimatter warmer for longer.
- It's a frog.
- Yeah.
- There's a frog on it! - Yeah.
Right there, it's a frog! Oh, man, it's green.
It's classic.
Oh, this guy's a jumper.
You can tell.
- Thank you! - You're welcome.
Wow, that really went over big! [WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
How's Jason? Is he still cute? - Oh, he looks about the same.
- That sounds cute.
- Hey, guys.
- Ooh, hey, Judge.
- Long time no see.
- Yeah.
- How's it going? - So good.
I mean, everything is going according to plan, and nothing is going differently from the plan.
Yes, that's a very not weird way to put it.
I'm just stretching my legs.
Just binged like 300 episodes of "NCIS.
" - Oof! - You know, I'm not a human woman, but that Mark Harmon can get it.
You know what I'm saying? Speaking of human cutiepies, how's that Chidi doing? Oh, sorry, Judge.
Let me just Ooh, hey, you know what you would love - if you like Mark Harmon? - Yeah? "Stealing Home.
" He is very sexy in "Stealing Home" according to the private thoughts of more than 7 million Caucasian women.
Oh, hot tip.
Thanks, girl.
- [GIGGLES.]
- You guys want to come with? - BOTH: Ooh.
- We can watch together.
I can whip up some nachos.
- I am incapable of eating, so.
- Suit yourselves.
- Party poopers.
- Ah, party poopers! I guess it'll just be me and Mark, then.
[LAUGHTER.]
Naughty, naughty.
[DEEPLY INHALES.]
Oh, boy.
Michael, we almost just got busted.
Yeah, but we didn't, and more importantly, Jason just arrived in Australia.
The four of them are finally together.
Oh, we did it, Janet! We got away with it.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
So this is our MRI machine.
Oh, don't don't touch that.
Each of you will get a chance in here eventually.
Hopefully, none of you is claustrophobic.
Clausterphobic? Who would ever be scared of Santa Claus? Oh! The Jewish.
Are you from Florida? - Jacksonville.
- Yeah.
That should be fine for me.
It's roughly the same size as Nicole Kidman's cryogenic anti-aging chamber, and I've never had a problem in there.
I'll be okay, too.
Kinda of reminds me of the home tanning booth I lost my virginity in.
Wow, I cannot wait to take a look at these three brains.
Oh, forgot to mention.
There's one more person who will be joining us.
Seems like a really interesting guy.
He was almost run over by a train a few months ago.
Heard about the study, emailed me last night.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
This doesn't make any sense.
They're all there.
What's going on? - Oh, no.
- What is it? Something bad, Janet.
Something very dark and evil.
Oh, yes.
Come on in.
- Everyone, this is Trevor.
- Hey, guys.
It is so great to meet you.
[HEAVY BASS NOTES.]
[TENSE MUSIC.]
- Oh, no! - What are they talking about? - No idea.
- It's only four people, and it's clearly the best way to see if bad people can become good without knowing anything about what's waiting for them in the afterlife.
[GROANING.]
- Okay, let's do it.
- Yes! But there have to be strict rules.
Otherwise, the results will be tainted, and I reserve the right to change my mind at any point.
Would someone who's not an eternal being please explain to me what the f [TENTATIVE MUSIC.]
Hi, I'm Michael.
You must be The Doorman.
Ah.
This is wild.
I had no idea this was even here.
So I have this ruling from The Judge.
Heading on down to Earth to reverse the deaths of these four people.
It's kind of tricky, you know? It starts up a new timeline, so there might be some ripple effects.
But it's necessary for the experiment that we're doing there.
So, how long's this trip take? Hope I don't get a middle seat.
[SNAPS, CHUCKLES.]
Wow, I haven't heard a joke in 8,000 years.
And I still haven't.
That's the door to Earth.
You go through there, you'll be wherever you need to be.
You won't have any other powers, though.
You want to get around, you're just going to have to - take a bus or something.
- A bus? Oh, boy, oh, man! I'm going to sit in a front-facing seat.
Or or no, maybe a sideways-facing seat.
I'm I'm going to get so motion sick! Oh, man! What do I do, just grab that key here Whoa, whoa, whoa! This key is made of the very first atoms that came into existence in the universe.
It is one of a kind and cannot be duplicated.
See? "Do Not Duplicate.
" Only I touch this key.
Oh, and what's the significance of the keychain? Nothing, I just like frogs.
I'm a frog guy.
When you need to get back here, make sure you're alone.
Press this button.
Any questions? No? Great.
Knock yourself out.
[LIGHTLY TENSE MUSIC.]
Uh-oh.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
I-I'm sorry, but this is an important moment - On your right, mate! - Oh, jeez, watch it, man! [YELLS.]
Come down! Come down where you belong.
[SCREAMS.]
Buongiorno.
Buongiorno.
[GROANS.]
Oh, wow! I was just on Earth.
It was incredible.
The the traffic, the pigeons.
And I saw this place that was, at once, a Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell! I mean, oh! The mind reels.
A Pizza Hut and a Taco Bell! Ah! [BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Oh, Janet, it was everything I ever imagined.
I got to ride a bike.
I put a coin in a thing and got a gumball.
And then someone came up to me and said, "Hot enough for ya?" And you know what I said? I said, "Tell me about it.
" [LAUGHS.]
Well, I am glad that you got to chew a gumball.
Oh, damn.
I didn't even think to chew it.
Missed opportunity, shoot.
Did you also save their lives? Yes, of course.
Everyone is safe.
Including Jason.
Now we just sit back and watch as they become better people.
Being good is for suckers.
What do you even get out of it? I quit.
Eat my farts, Benedict Cumberbatch.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
Morning, Chidi.
Blueberry muffin for ya? Uh, I don't know, maybe.
I can't decide.
- You all right there, mate? - Okay, I've made my decision.
I want to start crying.
[LOUD SOB.]
Hey, Tahani Al-Jamil.
I'm from "International Sophisticate Magazine.
" Mind if we ask you 582 questions? - Sounds delightful.
- Where are we, exactly? My pied-a-terre, just off the coast of "Barthelona.
" What's one thing people don't know about you? That I was such a tomboy in high school.
- See? - Wow! Looking good.
Okay, next question.
Who would you say is the most famous person in your phone? It's not about who you know.
Enlightenment comes from within.
The Dalai Lama texted me that.
K, will you make me the happiest man in the world, and agree to be my wife? No.
Do you think my name is the letter K? Just say yes.
If we're married, legally you can't arrest me.
Plus, bonus you get half the stuff I stole.
Yep, he just confessed to the robbery.
Damn it.
[EXHALES.]
You realize what the problem is, right? Yes, but there's no way to help.
Maybe there is.
In the afterlife, they all got better because they helped each other.
And the key to that was Chidi and Eleanor's connection.
If I get the two of them together, - everything else will follow.
- Michael, no.
I'm going to meet Eleanor someplace and plant the idea in her mind that she needs to find Chidi.
Oh, and then maybe I'll visit Chidi and make sure that he helps her when she shows up.
I'm just going to nudge the two of them together.
Just nudge-y nudge nudge.
The Judge was pretty clear in her instructions, and The Judge is, you know, The Judge of, you know, the universe.
She'll never find out.
She spends all her time in her chambers bingeing TV shows.
She's watching all of "NCIS" right now.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Hey, there.
Need to head on back to Earth.
Travel papers.
Yeah.
You know, The Judge said to use the same ones.
Because I'm, uh, you know, visiting the same people.
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.
I brought you a nice hot cup of antimatter.
I usually only drink decaf antimatter.
- Ah.
- Eh, I'll take it.
It's only 4:30.
My shift doesn't end until 9 billion.
Ooh.
- What do I owe ya? - The real question, Eleanor, is what do we owe to each other? What do we owe to each other? That is the question Tim Scanlon asked decades ago, and it is the question I will try to answer over the next three hours.
Are you Chidi Anna Kendrick? Anagonye, and yes.
Great, hi.
My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.
- Can we talk? - Sure.
Okay, uh, where do I start? I'm not, like, the best person in the world.
I'm a trash bag from Arizona, which is saying something.
Our biggest exports are racist sheriffs and HPV.
But about a year ago, something crazy happened [KNOCKING.]
And I [BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH.]
Sorry.
I've been flying for like, 40 hours.
This is Australia, right? Yes.
I grew up in Senegal, so my native language is French.
But I went to American schools, so I also speak English.
- Oh.
- And German and Greek.
And Latin, just in case it ever comes back.
Cool.
I once got 12 out of 12 on a Buzzfeed quiz called "Do you know all the slang words the Kardashians invented?" - Congratulations? - Thank you.
I'm going to be honest.
I did cheat.
But you were saying something crazy happened to you? Yes, uh, I almost died.
And it made me want to become a better person, which I did for a while.
But then I fell back into my old trash bag ways.
Yesterday, I saw your lecture, and something just clicked.
Wait, you flew all the way here from Arizona just to see me? You know what, don't flatter yourself, pal.
Sorry, that's a knee-jerk reaction.
Yes, that's exactly what I did.
And I know that seems zonk-atronic that's Khloe's word for crazy but I need someone to help guide me, morally speaking.
And I think I need it to be you.
What do you say? Will you help me become a good person? [SOFT MUSIC.]
- Yes.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[INHALES.]
I'll start you off with some introductory philosophy books, and then we'll meet here once a week.
Great.
Ideally, some of those books will have been made into a movie or maybe a funny GIF.
But anything's good with me, man.
- Can I ask you something? - Mm-hmm.
Why are you helping me? I'm a teacher.
That's my job.
Yeah, but I'm not your student.
I'm just some hot rando who walked in off the street.
There's got to be another reason.
Yes, there is.
Um I also had a near-death experience.
- Whoa.
- Well, I mean, I don't know for sure that I would have died, but, it was pretty nuts.
I'm sorry, but this is an important moment in our friendship - On your right, mate! - Oh, jeez.
Watch it, man! [YELLS.]
Oh, my God.
Are you okay? That that is right where I was standing.
I was frozen here, unable to make a single decision, and I almost got crushed by an air conditioner.
This is a sign.
I shouldn't be using air conditioners.
The freon is awful for the environment.
That's the lesson you take from this? Chidi, your brain is broken.
You need to fix your brain.
So in a nutshell, I have a 3,600-page thesis that I am nowhere near finishing, I am absolutely paralyzed by decision-making, and it is destroying my life.
Yeah, I sort of got that when you couldn't choose a chair to sit on.
Well, I didn't want to offend you in case you had a favorite.
Look, I know I just kind of nope walked in here, and you don't know me at all, but is there any way to tell if my indecision is due to a brain thing? Um, yeah, sure.
Now what we do is we make a lengthy incision from your eyebrows to the nape of your neck, and we peel your face back, right, then slice your skull open.
And I just randomly stab at your brain with an electrified needle.
The fun part is you're awake the whole time.
Uh I'm kidding! I'll just give you an MRI and look at the part of your brain that controls decision-making.
Oh, I want that.
I need to learn about my brain, please.
Well, so you just march into my office unannounced, tell me your brain is broken, then demand I drop everything and just put you in the university's $3 million MRI machine? Oh, I'm sorry, I just I freaking love it.
You're so weird! Let's go.
- Right now? - Oh, yeah, come on.
Oh okay.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
This is your hippocampus.
It regulates memory.
Yours looks great, very strong.
Gorgeous hippocampus here! [BOTH LAUGH.]
This is your ventromedial prefrontal cortex, the center of decision-making.
This is where the magic happens.
Do you see how it's all lit up? That's a flurry of activity that occurred when I asked you to choose between red and blue, and you almost passed out.
Is it too late to pick blue instead? It is, yeah.
The point is, at first glance, your brain is very healthy.
Huh, there are actual answers here, data you can observe and learn from.
Yeah, man, science is all about getting answers.
You philosophers can spend your entire life mulling over a single questions.
That's why everyone hates moral philosophy professors.
- [LAUGHS.]
- No offense.
Oh, none taken.
We suck.
- Yeah.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
- Chidi.
- One blueberry muffin, please.
Why choose to be good every day? I argue that we choose to be good because of our bonds with other people.
Simply put, we are not in this alone.
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE.]
Wow, Chidi.
You chose that muffin in less than a minute.
That beats your old record by 59 minutes.
Henry, I feel amazing.
I am 100 pages into my new thesis, and it is some of the best writing that I have ever done.
I haven't been this happy since Oh, wow.
I've never been happy.
- Ha! - Bad! I'm proud of you, mate.
It must be really nice to live that way.
Well, that's the beauty of it.
Anyone can live this way.
Just decide to be more decisive.
Like, what's something that you've always wanted to do? I mean, I have been putting off getting in shape.
Then make the decision to wake up tomorrow morning and get in shape.
It is that easy.
Okay.
Maybe I will! - What have you got to lose? - Nothing! Henry, what happened to you? Well, I was using the leg press at the gym, and you know how your legs bend a certain way? My legs bend the other way now.
Oh, no.
All the tendons in my legs snapped like violin strings, and then, my foot flew forwards, and I kicked myself in the face, which gave me a concussion.
But on the bright side, I lost control of my bladder.
Someone got it on video, and now "Leg Press Whizzer" has 62,000 views on Youtube.
- I'm famous.
- This is all my fault.
I did this to you.
Oh oh, muffins! I brought blueberry muffins.
Oh, no, you shouldn't eat blueberries anymore.
Read an article.
The migrant workers who pick them are horribly mistreated.
Yaaaaaaah! [BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Good morning, Chidi.
Blueberry muffin for ya? Uh, I don't know, maybe.
I can't decide.
- You all right there, mate? - Okay, I've made my decision.
I want to start crying.
[WHEELS SQUEAK.]
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Excuse me? What is the maximum number of books that I can check out? - Is it 12,000? - Got a wild weekend planned? Well, I need to find a new topic for my thesis, and I had this thing happen that made me more decisive, and a few months ago, my friend broke both of his legs, and it's my fault, and blueberries, and I need help.
- Whoo! - Maybe that help will come from Tay Zonday's autobiography, "Chocolate Book.
" I mean, who's to say? Mate, I've worked in this library a long time, and I've seen a lot of academic types with that same helpless look on their faces.
They all made it through okay.
- Once they learned the secret.
- What's the secret? There's a secret? Is the secret more books? - How many more books do I need? - It's not about books, mate.
It's about perspective.
Sometimes, when you're feeling helpless, the secret is to help someone else.
Get out of your own head.
Trust me.
The next time someone asks for help, say yes.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
A few hours later, you walked in and asked for help.
Now, I don't know if this is going to solve all of my problems, but it's worth a try, right? Well, thank you, sexy librarian guy.
I didn't say he was sexy.
Oh, I know, but whenever anyone tells me a story about their life, I always imagine all the people as being super hot.
Otherwise, I quickly lose interest.
Do you not do that? You can do it for free.
I got to say, I enjoyed playing the role of mysterious librarian, and I really [BAD ACCENT.]
nailed the Australian accent.
- Uh-huh, flawless.
- Thank you.
But the point is, Eleanor and Chidi are together, and now we can relax.
Everything is finally on track.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
- Status report.
- They're plugging away, but we still can't hack into The Judge's system.
Damn it, those four humans have been on Earth for over a year.
I need to know if they're getting better.
Can I just ask? We torture, like, 30 billion humans.
Why do you care so much about these four? [INTENSE MUSICAL BUILDUP.]
Never mind.
Forget I asked.
Serves him right for questioning you, boss.
I think you're doing a great job.
Thank you, Todd.
- No, no, no, no - Why did you do that? I'm a demon.
It's fun.
No one leaves this room until we've accessed The Judge's system.
Would music help? Should I play some music? Good idea.
Choose something deeply terrible to inspire us.
Wherever you go Oh, yeah.
That's the stuff.
So for Aristotle, virtue is practical.
Goodness isn't something that a person just inherently has.
It's something that she achieves through her actions.
- Questions? - Uh, yeah, a few.
I wrote down "what?" "huh?" And then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle, I thought it was pronounced like Chipotle.
Wait a minute, is it "Chip-o-tottle"? These are all great questions.
But I have to meet my thesis adviser across campus.
Oh, well, I'm headed that way, too.
I'll walk with you.
Hey, so, I've been trying to figure out how to pay you back for helping me.
I told you, you don't owe me anything.
At home, when I want to get something nice for one of my friends, it usually comes in the form of something edible.
You get what I'm saying? An "edible" thing? - Please don't buy me drugs.
- Okay, copy that.
I had no choice, I was in his driveway taking pictures when he walked out, so I said "Hey, Mr.
Crowe, I'm from the gas company.
" - "I loved you in 'Gladiator.
'" - Chidi, hey! - Hey! - I got a question.
Is it "What's my thesis topic?" - Because I still don't know.
- No, it's not that.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
You guys haven't met yet.
- Um, Simone, this is Eleanor.
- The famous Simone.
- Nice to meet you.
- You too.
So I've got to do some MRI scans as a control for an experiment.
And since you loved it so much last time, I was wondering if you could just pop back in there and help me out? - Oh, absolutely.
- Cool, okay.
Well, just come by my lab at 6:00 and then afterwards, I can buy you dinner as a thank you.
Oh, no, no, you don't have to do that.
Oh, okay.
Well, uh, I'll see you later.
Nice to meet you.
- You, too.
- Yeah.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
- What? - Uh, you and Simone had some real professor dork vibes flowing.
You're both teachers who are hot for teacher.
[SQUEALS.]
How have you not asked her out yet? - Are you scared? - Well, it's not impressive to guess that I'm scared, Eleanor.
I'm scared of everything, and I can't just do things like that.
- Just drop it, okay? - Well Okay, just promise me you'll drop it.
Okay.
I promise.
So you're into Chidi, right? I mean, forgive my bluntness, but I'm usually right about these things.
Well, yeah, but I made it pretty clear a bunch of times, and he's never responded, so I just assumed he wasn't interested.
Okay, I'm all set.
I'm just going to ask you some basic questions, Chidi.
- What is one plus one? - Two.
- What color is the sky? - Blue.
What color are Simone's eyes? Brown.
Uh uh, what? If you could take Simone anywhere on a date, where would you take her? Sorry, is this part of the experiment? It is now, yes.
Please answer the question.
And keep in mind, we can see your brain.
Next question.
You are into Simone.
- That's not a question.
- So you agree it's a fact.
Next question's for Simone.
Simone, are you annoyed at Chidi for waiting so long to ask you out? - Yes, I am.
- Chidi, same question for you.
Are you annoyed at yourself for waiting so long to ask out Simone? I mean, I'm annoyed with you, and I've only known you three weeks.
Yes, I am obviously very annoyed with myself.
Can I get out now? No, you can't.
It'll ruin the science.
There's only one question left, and you got to ask it, bud.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Simone, would you like to have dinner with me? Wow, that is highly inappropriate.
- Uh - I'm just kidding.
Yes, I would.
Thank you for asking.
- Aw, cute.
- This is a disaster.
Michael, relax.
How are the two of them going to bond? There were plenty of reboots where Eleanor and Chidi weren't even soul mates, and he still always helped her.
Simone and Chidi are good together.
I've been running simulations on what their kids will be like.
One of them is hot enough to be on "The Bachelor" and smart enough to never go on "The Bachelor.
" This is not just about Chidi.
I've left too much to chance.
Until our group is back together again, this whole thing is hanging by a thread.
I'm going back down.
You're pressing your luck.
If you keep disobeying Mommy, something bad is going to happen.
- What? - Oh, I don't have a mom, so I've been experimenting with thinking of The Judge as my mom.
- It's weird, forget it.
- Okay.
How are you even going to get Jason and Tahani to Australia? I have no idea, but I have to try.
Well, good luck, Dad.
Nope, also weird.
Just go.
Hey, bud.
Brought you some decaf hazelnut antimatter.
Just a little treat for my old pal, The Doorman.
Heading back down, by the way.
You sure The Judge is okay with you going back to Earth so many times? Oh, yeah, yeah, all good.
See, still got the papers.
Shouldn't be long.
[LIGHTLY TENSE MUSIC.]
[KEYBOARD CLACKING.]
How are we doing, Steve? I'm trying.
I'm getting close.
Good.
No pressure.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
- [COMPUTER BEEPS.]
- Aha! Someone just went down to Earth, and that gave me a back door into The Judge's system.
Now we can see everything that's happening with all four humans.
[GASPS.]
- Excellent work, Steve.
- [EXHALES.]
Uh-oh, looks like someone's been cocooning again.
You know, it would be a real help if you let me know the next time you were about to [TENSE MUSIC.]
Well, well, well.
Looks like Michael's been caught with his hand in the human jar.
- Good one, boss.
- Shut up, Glenn.
Morning, teach.
Ready to discuss philosophy.
Obviously, I'm kidding.
How was your date with Simone? Spill it, sweetheart.
We had a great time.
Thank you again for bullying me into asking her out.
Well, I owed it to you.
And bonus, I realized I was practicing virtue ethics by helping the two of you bone down.
Okay, not appropriate.
Also, not a great understanding of virtue ethics.
Oh, we can agree to disagree.
But if you must know, it was very chaste.
We didn't even kiss.
- Because you chickened out? - I did! Yeah, I totally chickened out, and I am so mad at myself.
Well, hey, maybe it wasn't the right moment.
Knowing the two of you nerds, your first kiss is going to be while reading Plato in an MRI machine.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, hang on.
Come with me.
Simone, what's the one thing Eleanor and I have in common? You both have a complete disregard for my office hours.
- Sorry, Reginald.
- Oh, no worries.
Look, listen, Eleanor is an Arizona trash bag.
- Yep.
- Her words, not mine.
- Totally.
- Who once told me that her greatest accomplishment was breaking into Charles Barkley's house.
Mm.
He was on the road.
I snuck in through the doggy door.
Tried on all his giant shoes.
One of my top five Christmases.
Listen, the point is, Eleanor and I have nothing in common except that we both almost died, and it made us want to be better people.
This is my thesis idea.
I will explore the effect of near-death experiences on ethical decision-making.
I will get a group of people together who have had near-death experiences, ask them ethical questions, and see if there's any commonalities! That's great! Why are you yelling it at me? Because I need your help! You and your magic brain scan machine.
Oh, of course! A joint study with the neuroscience department.
We can use MRI mapping to see if a near-death experience alters brain function.
There's something there, right? Definitely, I love this.
Great.
Also, I wanted to kiss you last night, but I chickened out, so I'm going to kiss you now.
Good, yes.
I want that, please.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Oh, sorry, Reginald.
What were you saying? Um, that I can't come to class tomorrow - 'cause my grandma died.
- Oof.
Real mood ruiner.
Read the room, dude.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Bingo.
Okay.
Oh, good, you're here.
Eleanor, meet the newest member of our ethical neuro-scientific study, Tahani Al-Jamil.
Hello, Eleanor.
Delighted to meet you.
Al-Jamil.
Oh, you're Kamilah's sister.
I am, yes.
If you want an autograph or something, I can probably arrange it.
Eh, I was never really that into her no offense.
Oh, [LAUGHS.]
I assure you, there is none taken.
So how did you come to join our team? Well, it's a bit of a story, I suppose.
It, uh, began about a year ago.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Come down! Come down where you belong.
Aah! [SCREAMS, COMMOTION.]
- Well done, Tahani.
- Who saved me? Did anyone see who just saved my life? - It was Kamilah! - No, it was a man, I think.
- It was Kamilah! - It was Kamilah! No, it wasn't Kamilah! It was someone over there.
ALL: Kamilah, Kamilah, Kamilah, Kamilah, Kamilah! I had almost died.
And in that very moment, I decided to change my life.
First, I cleansed myself of all the worldly possessions that had been weighing me down like anchors the dresses, the jewels.
I gave them all to Good Will.
That's what I call Prince William.
Since he'd married a commoner, I assumed he'd know some needy people they could go to.
Sure.
Then I deleted all my celebrity contacts from my mobile.
Good-bye, Bono.
Good-bye, The Edge.
Good-bye, The Edge's real phone number that even Bono doesn't have.
And most importantly, I put physical distance between me and my old life.
Book me a flight to Tibet.
I'm going to live in a Buddhist monastery.
I need to get out of the spotlight.
Copy that, I'll see what jets are available.
- No, I'm flying commercial.
- Okay.
- First class, I assume? - No.
I'm a woman of the people now.
[UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Comfort Plus.
And there, in that humble monastery, thousands of miles from the meaningless concerns of high society, I embarked upon a quest for enlightenment.
I learned to embrace a life of simplicity.
I meditated.
I worked.
I gave back to Mother Earth.
And I slept.
My soul had never felt so nourished, until one day, my former life came knocking at the open space where a door would have been if we were given any privacy.
Yo, is that Tahani Al-Jamil? Man, it totes is you! What up? I'm Colby, "Squalor News.
" What are you doing in this monastery? Oh, we're doing a new show about poverty, drug lords, gun running, weird-ass restaurants, skateboarding, oh, and also genocide.
It's called "Society is F'ed.
" What are you doing here, though? Is this where you came after your sister saved your life? I am living here as a way to shed my desire for attention.
Toigh, that's what's up! You got to shed that, right? But listen, if you ever want us to do like a monster profile on you and your monk junk, we would be honored AF.
I think people would be supes interested in what you're doing here, for real.
Look, here's my card.
Think about it.
Of course, I never called him to do that profile because I didn't pursue a life of tranquility to get in front of a camera.
I did it to get out of the spotlight.
And that's what my book is about shedding your need for validation from others.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Publisher says you'll hit 2 million copies sold by next week.
Your "582 Questions With" video was nominated for a BAFTA.
- That's fun.
- Also, they want you for "Oprah.
" "Oprah" is off the air.
No, they want you to take over for Oprah.
Also, this investor wants to meet you.
I checked him out, he's legit.
Tahani.
Gordon Indigo.
I just have to say you are so inspiring.
Aw.
Namaste.
I mean, you really have all these idiots fooled.
- Excuse me? - Listen.
I'm sure you're already rolling in dough from this incredible scam, but have you thought about merch? Because we could, uh, we could partner here.
I made a fortune selling Nirvana Orbs, which is to say, driving range golf balls that I painted silver.
- That's awful.
- No, it's healing.
Wink.
[LAUGHS.]
You should be selling whatever crap you can think of, because these people will buy it.
- That is quite enough.
- Hm? And how dare you insinuate that I'm not authentic? I finished signing your headshots.
- Oh, not now.
- Ms.
Al-Jamil, it's okay.
You and I are the same.
I love what you're doing here.
You get to be rich and famous and not have to do any of the work of helping people.
But I am helping people.
You need to go right now.
Suit yourself.
Look, if you change your mind, I'm online.
Just Google "crystals" that prevent erectile dysfunction.
" [SCOFFS.]
I'm sorry, but Ms.
Al-Jamil doesn't have time to participate in an ethical study at some random university.
If you want to meet her, you can sign up for the "Get Out of the Spotlight" cruise, with special guests Deepak Chopra and Will.
I.
Am.
Hello? This is Tahani Al-Jamil.
Oh, hi, I didn't think I'd actually get you.
My name is Chidi Anagonye, and I'm doing an academic study on near-death experiences and ethical decision-making.
I read an article about you Will it help people? That's all I want to know.
Will this help people? Yes, I I think so.
I I mean, that's the goal.
Send me the info.
I'll be there tomorrow morning.
Wow.
But how had you learned about me, I wonder? A professor I'd never heard of named Charles Brainman sent me an article about you.
Said you'd be perfect for our study.
Well, welcome to Australia.
Oh, if you need a place to crash while you get settled, my motel has a pull-out sofa.
Although, as I say that, and I look at you and your whole thing, I realize that's absurd, and you should probably just get your own place.
Yes, I I think that's best.
- But but thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
Three down, one to go.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Sup, bud? I've been looking for you.
Oh, sorry.
Are these your rocks? No, look.
My name is [SNAPS.]
Zach Pizazz.
International talent scout.
I've been tracking your dance troupe, man.
I think you really got the goods.
I want you to come on down to Australia and start a new crew, all right? I'll pay for everything.
You may have a few other obligations, but basically Uh, thanks, but no thanks, man.
- I'm done with dancing.
- But wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You heard what my name was, right? Zach Pizazz? My life is just kind of messed up right now.
I had a really tough year.
- [ROCK SPLASHES.]
- I'm sorry.
Want to talk about it? I'm a pretty good listener.
Well, my year started about a year ago.
[BLOWS.]
Pillboi, I can't breathe, and I'm freaking out, and I'm almost out of whip-its! Pillboi! - [POUNDING IN BACKGROUND.]
- Buongiorno.
Buongiorno.
[GROANS.]
- Yo, what happened? - I couldn't breathe.
The snorkel must have been broken.
Yo, that sucks.
- You ready to get back in there? - No, man.
We're not doing this no more.
I almost died trying to rob a Mexican restaurant.
I have to change my life.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
I know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to win this dance competition.
So you didn't see any other posters there? No, don't think so.
Why? Doesn't matter.
Continue.
Homies, I almost died yesterday.
But we've been given a second chance.
Three months from today, on this very stage in the Carmen Electra auditorium, right here at the Smith & Wesson Performing Arts Center and ATV Repair Shop, we are going to win this dance competition.
How, you ask? By working.
We are going to eat, breathe, and vape dance.
I want you thinking about dance 24/7.
That means every day, you think 20 thoughts about dance for seven minutes.
And if you can't promise me that you'll give this dance crew everything that you've got, then you can walk out that door.
Right now.
Yeah, okay.
I'm out.
What? Come on, Donkey Doug.
After all we've been through? Listen, you know you're my boy, but this sounds like a lot of work.
Good luck.
BOTH: Pew, pew.
Donkey Doug out! Damn, that's a tough blow.
But now that those guys are no longer members of our crew, we can legally rob their houses.
No, Little Peanut.
We're going to do this the right way.
No more crime, and if you don't like that, you can walk out that door.
Right now.
[LOW CHATTER.]
What? Co Oh, come on We still got like 35 people, so let's get to work.
[APPLAUSE.]
Quick announcement.
Will the owner of a 1998 Toyota Tercel with golden pythons painted on both sides, license plate GOT-MILF please see an usher.
Your car has exploded.
All right, ya'll ready for the next act? Please give it up right now for Dance Dance Resolution! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[DANCE MUSIC.]
In the six-year history of this competition, no crew has ever received a perfect score from our judges.
That changed tonight.
But before we get to that, Dance Dance Resolution has been disqualified.
What? No, why? Because you have 40 people onstage.
The limit is eight.
Also, one of your members tried to carjack me - on my way in here.
- No, that was Donkey Doug, and he's not a part of our crew anymore.
We win! We win! ALL: We win, we win, we win! No, again, you are disqualified.
And the winner is Panther Blood! And the winner is Suck Monsters! And the winner is Nobody.
All teams are disqualified due to violence.
[GROANING.]
Okay, well, we're out of rent money.
So remember that thing I said about no more crime? That's over now.
Go do crime.
Yep, he just confessed to the robbery.
- Damn it! - That was easy.
Look, please let me go.
I only did it to pay rent for my dance crew's rehearsal space.
Oh, well then, you're in luck.
We only arrest people for robbery if they don't have a reason.
Sorry it took me so long to bail you out.
No, it was my fault.
I shouldn't have used my one phone call to prank the police department.
Man, a year ago, I almost died, and I'm exactly the same as I was before.
- A failure.
- You're not a failure.
You're a dreamer.
Look, I like my job at the old folk's home.
Those old biddies are sweet, and sometimes they give me what they think are candy but are really loose Vicodin.
But when I'm with you, I feel like the sky's the limit.
I feel like someday, I'll be able to buy my own Vicodin.
And it'll never turn out to actually be laxatives.
Thanks, dog, but if my life ended today, what would my legacy be? Sure, I did a wheelie on a dirt bike through an entire Waffle House, and I was once interviewed on the news for finding a foot on the beach.
But yo, other than that, I have no truly great accomplishments.
Bro.
I'm only saying this because I love you.
Do you want a Vicodin right now? So I walked out of that bar, came down to this wharf, threw a rock at a snake, met a guy named Zach Pizazz, talked to him about my crazy year that I've had which started when I was locked in a safe.
No, that was me.
I'm Zach Pizazz.
- We're caught up now.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- A year ago, if you had asked me to run a dance crew in Atlantis - Australia.
- I would have said yes for sure.
But now, and I know this sounds crazy, but I'm starting to think there might be more to life than amateur street dancing competitions.
It's funny, but I know exactly what you mean.
My goal in life used to be completely different, too.
I used to, um rep this crew called the Demons.
Whoa, I remember you guys! Didn't you all die when someone brought a hammerhead shark into your hot tub? Different Demons.
The point is, I had to leave my old crew behind, you know? But I met new friends who helped me become a better person.
Look, I know this group of people who are also searching for meaning.
They might be able to help you find what you're looking for.
What do you think? You want to go meet them? Yeah, that sounds great.
Do we have to leave right now? My friend gave me a pill that I realized one second ago was definitely a laxative.
No, go, go.
[WHOOSH.]
Well, that is the last time I'll need to head back down there.
So to thank you for your help, I brought you back something from Earth.
A little token of my appreciation.
It keeps your antimatter warmer for longer.
- It's a frog.
- Yeah.
- There's a frog on it! - Yeah.
Right there, it's a frog! Oh, man, it's green.
It's classic.
Oh, this guy's a jumper.
You can tell.
- Thank you! - You're welcome.
Wow, that really went over big! [WHIMSICAL MUSIC.]
How's Jason? Is he still cute? - Oh, he looks about the same.
- That sounds cute.
- Hey, guys.
- Ooh, hey, Judge.
- Long time no see.
- Yeah.
- How's it going? - So good.
I mean, everything is going according to plan, and nothing is going differently from the plan.
Yes, that's a very not weird way to put it.
I'm just stretching my legs.
Just binged like 300 episodes of "NCIS.
" - Oof! - You know, I'm not a human woman, but that Mark Harmon can get it.
You know what I'm saying? Speaking of human cutiepies, how's that Chidi doing? Oh, sorry, Judge.
Let me just Ooh, hey, you know what you would love - if you like Mark Harmon? - Yeah? "Stealing Home.
" He is very sexy in "Stealing Home" according to the private thoughts of more than 7 million Caucasian women.
Oh, hot tip.
Thanks, girl.
- [GIGGLES.]
- You guys want to come with? - BOTH: Ooh.
- We can watch together.
I can whip up some nachos.
- I am incapable of eating, so.
- Suit yourselves.
- Party poopers.
- Ah, party poopers! I guess it'll just be me and Mark, then.
[LAUGHTER.]
Naughty, naughty.
[DEEPLY INHALES.]
Oh, boy.
Michael, we almost just got busted.
Yeah, but we didn't, and more importantly, Jason just arrived in Australia.
The four of them are finally together.
Oh, we did it, Janet! We got away with it.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
So this is our MRI machine.
Oh, don't don't touch that.
Each of you will get a chance in here eventually.
Hopefully, none of you is claustrophobic.
Clausterphobic? Who would ever be scared of Santa Claus? Oh! The Jewish.
Are you from Florida? - Jacksonville.
- Yeah.
That should be fine for me.
It's roughly the same size as Nicole Kidman's cryogenic anti-aging chamber, and I've never had a problem in there.
I'll be okay, too.
Kinda of reminds me of the home tanning booth I lost my virginity in.
Wow, I cannot wait to take a look at these three brains.
Oh, forgot to mention.
There's one more person who will be joining us.
Seems like a really interesting guy.
He was almost run over by a train a few months ago.
Heard about the study, emailed me last night.
[TENSE MUSIC.]
This doesn't make any sense.
They're all there.
What's going on? - Oh, no.
- What is it? Something bad, Janet.
Something very dark and evil.
Oh, yes.
Come on in.
- Everyone, this is Trevor.
- Hey, guys.
It is so great to meet you.
[HEAVY BASS NOTES.]