The Job Lot (2013) s03e01 Episode Script

1 Mm Mm-hm.
Whoops! - Karl, seriously, not again.
- Sorry.
I can't help it.
I saw some bra strap.
Well, make it go down.
We're at work.
It's an erection, Natalie.
It doesn't listen to reason.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- It won't go away.
- Er, tap it on the end.
What? People stir their tea with that.
Er, no jacket, Trish? Oh, no.
Just some new shoulder pads.
Oh, Karl, can you help me with this? Yeah.
You all right there, Karl? - No.
Very stiff.
- Oh, ridiculously stiff.
I mean, what do you do if you've got arthritis? Don't yank it too hard, Karl.
You'll make a big milky mess.
Right.
Come on, you two.
Choppity-chop! People to sign on.
- Er - Now please.
Er, Trish, do you remember when you had that ear infection? I think I might be coming down with one.
What are the symptoms again? Oh, weeping pus everywhere.
It was like a kind of a waxy fondue just dribbling from my ear.
I woke up every morning with crusty pillows.
Mm.
- And we're done.
- Mm.
Another day, you're gonna make it work Another day, you're gonna make it work Some day, you're gonna make this work Where's the evidence that you've been actively seeking employment? It's there.
You've just dropped tuna all over it.
They're not going to accept it.
It's covered in brine.
(MEOWS) It's only me.
Here you are.
Brunch.
- (MEOWS) - Pardon? (MEOWS AGAIN) Oh, I love you, too.
Trish, can you - Oh.
More milk? - Mm.
Oh.
I'm trying to combat osteoporosis.
I've got unusually small bones.
I'm mean, I'm built like a blue tit.
Sorry.
I'm lost.
Oh.
I'm entering the menopause, Natalie.
There are no more eggs in my basket.
Mother Nature is just giving up on me.
The bitch is leaving me high and quite literally dry.
Oh, here.
I brought these in for you.
There's tampons, towels, panty liners.
Even a moon cup.
- OK.
- Don't worry.
It's been through the dishwasher.
I've got no need for it now.
Unless it's not the menopause.
- What? - Well, you couldn't be pregnant, could you? No.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Actually, yes.
- Yes.
Shit.
Yes.
I could be.
- Oh, my God.
Who have you had sex with? - A chap I met online.
- A dating website? eBay.
I went round to pick up a Welsh dresser and he answered the door in a robe.
- At two in the afternoon.
You know what that means.
- Depression? No.
Sex.
Although he did cry afterwards.
- Did you give him a bad rating? - Well, yes.
The listing said 'as new', but when I got it home, one of the doors fell off.
Oh, God, Natalie.
I could be pregnant by a rogue trader.
I'm sending you on unpaid work experience.
I'm 56.
This is the company that has just made me redundant.
- The placement matches your skillset.
- Of course it does.
It's my old job.
You'll know what you're doing, then.
- (MEOWS) - I thought he'd never go.
- (MEOWS) - Yes, he was.
But there's no need for language like that.
Had enough already, Nat? It's only half nine.
I'm just popping out for five minutes.
- Where are you going? - Wouldn't you like to know? - Yeah.
So where are you going? - I'm not telling you.
- Got another fella? - Are you getting me a present? - Maybe.
- Is that maybe you've got another fella? - Or maybe getting Karl a present? - What is it? - I'm not getting you a present.
- Is it a cordless power drill? Why would I buy Karl a cordless power drill? Get him one of them funny oven gloves that looks like a claw.
No.
No man wants one of them.
- Eh! I bought you one of them last Christmas.
- You were my Secret Santa? - Honestly, Janette, next year, I'll just have the fiver.
- It's not socks, is it? I'm not getting you a present, Karl.
She is so getting me a present.
- Oh, how much do I owe you? - Eight pounds.
- Eight pounds? They always get you when you're vulnerable.
- I know.
- Thrush cream is a tenner.
- Well, take it from the petty cash.
OK.
Er It's one line if you're not pregnant.
And if you are? Skull and crossbones! No.
It's two lines if you are.
I can't be a mother, Natalie.
I haven't got a maternal bone in my body.
I make children cry.
- No, you don't.
- It's my hair.
Children and the elderly find it disconcerting.
It's the static.
Well, your own child would see beyond that.
You can't underestimate the bond between mother and baby.
I can.
I can't bear the thought of something growing inside me like a like a tapeworm, feeding off me for nine months and then I'm expected to love it.
- You can't love a tapeworm, Natalie.
- But it would be your tapeworm.
- No.
- You need to know.
- I don't want to.
- You have to.
- You do it.
- That doesn't make sense.
- I know! I'm hysterical! OK.
Erm OK.
I'll just hang onto it for now.
Shall I? Yeah.
- What are you doing? - Oh.
Finding my present.
Oh.
Nice.
- You've changed.
- Want some? Smells like Cherry Bakewells.
No, I do not.
- Natalie says your hands show the first signs of ageing.
- Go on then.
Oh, now that is very hydrating.
Just one of the perks of having a girlfriend.
Is that the result of another? Is that what I think it is? - Congratulations.
I'll get the cigars.
- No, no, no, no.
- This isn't planned.
- Either way, you've got her locked in for the next 18 years.
A smart move for a lad with your face.
We've only been going out three months.
I don't know anything about it.
I don't even know her bra size.
32C.
It's a gift.
Pss-pss! Come on.
Where are you? Oh, don't be like this.
Pss-pss-pss! What? Get down, Natalie! There's a mouse on the floor! - I can see its tail.
Kill it, Karl! - Maybe I should get Janette.
- Oh, for God's sake! - All right.
All right.
God.
Eurgh.
No.
It's not a mouse.
It's It's half a mouse.
Something has eaten its head.
Oh, God! Oh, its insides are on the outside.
Is it dead? I can see its lungs.
Come here.
Karl I know what you're gonna say.
- We need to get rid of it.
- Get rid of it? - Yeah.
- Oh, Jesus Christ, we haven't even discussed this.
- What is there to discuss? - I might want to keep it.
It's half a dead mouse.
What do you want to do? Turn it into a keyring? Ah.
I'd better get Janette.
- Where is Janette? - Natalie broken the news yet? - (SIGHS) No.
She hasn't mentioned it.
- (SUCKS TEETH) - What does that mean? - Nothing.
Just breathing.
- That wasn't just breathing.
That was breathing with intent.
- It's a bit odd she hasn't mentioned it.
Maybe she thinks you're not dad material.
Who is not dad material? - Karl's Natalie is up the duff.
- Sssh! - She never is! - Janette, can you go to the kitchen, please, and deal with the dead mouse? Oh, congratulations to you both! Sssh! Natalie doesn't know yet.
She doesn't know she's pregnant? Uh, no.
She doesn't know that I know she's pregnant.
- Well, how did you find out? - He found a test in her drawer.
And she hasn't told him? - (SUCKS TEETH) - Will you two stop breathing? She'll tell you in her own time, love.
Or maybe she is after someone who is a bit better at Well, just better.
Yeah, someone better.
Someone who can be a good dad.
Someone who can handle the responsibility of parenthood.
I can handle the responsibility.
Karl, love, you can't even handle a dead mouse.
This is fresh.
If you're hungry, there's biscuits in the drawer.
Angela, what are you doing? I've lost my Muff.
- Your Muff? - My Muff.
My cat.
I've had to bring her to work, because she's pregnant.
You can't bring a cat to work.
You're not Postman Pat! - (MEOWS) - There you are! Aw! Never leave me again.
You need the toilet? Are the kittens pressing on your bladder? Shove it outside.
SHE is not going outside.
SHE is a pedigree.
Come on, Muff.
Angela, you do know that Muff is another name for You know.
Your fanny.
Yes.
Oh, sweet.
(SNIFFS) Oh, God.
Not again.
Shit.
Cry.
Shit.
Cry.
Change the record, Martin.
Erm Actually, Karl, we might be hearing the pitter-patter of more tiny feet soon.
I know.
Oh.
What, Natalie told you? Mm.
Well, sort of.
- What do you think about it? - Well, I don't know.
It's such a shock.
- I'd be worried about it growing up without a father.
- Why would you say that? I will be there for that baby 110%.
Really? Karl, that's That's amazing.
What, you'd help bring the baby up? Yeah, of course I would.
No child should grow up without a father.
What about the living arrangements? We'd move in together.
I suppose.
I don't know what to say.
Karl Lyndhurst.
You are a a beautiful person.
Why can't you go? Oh, of course.
Your fear of open water.
Here you are.
Try this.
Them kittens will be here soon.
Nearly there.
Good girl.
Get it all out.
Are you all right in there, Angela? Fine.
(TOILET FLUSHES) I've got a bashful bladder.
Good luck.
I don't need luck.
I'm weeing on a stick, not taking a driving test.
So there's no way I can go to the job interview this afternoon.
Obvs.
- Is he yours? - No.
I did swaps for a pair of trainers.
Joke.
He's my Uncle Martin.
Oh.
You mean, he's your Uncle Martin's baby.
No.
He's my Uncle Martin.
He's my nan's baby.
- Your nan's? - She's fit.
So what do babies eat? - Chips and curry sauce.
- Really? No.
He's a baby.
He drinks milk.
Well, I'm not stupid.
I know babies drink milk.
But what do they eat? Tit.
All right.
Just asking.
It's one line.
It's negative.
- OK.
Well, that's good.
At least you know.
- Oh, it's fine.
To be honest, it's a relief, Natalie.
I'm the CSOM of a very busy job centre.
I can't go gallivanting round, you know, having children.
(SOBS) Oh, God.
I really want a baby.
(SOBS) I didn't even think I wanted one until I thought I could have one.
And then suddenly I just really wanted one.
I'm like that with pudding.
(SNIFFS) Oh (SNIFFS) Oh, sorry, I've left a little a little snail trail on your jacket.
- Oh.
I'll get you some tissues.
- Yeah.
You know having kids isn't all it's cracked up to be.
When my sister had hers, it literally split her in half.
But But when the stitches healed, she was straight back to normal.
Better than normal.
Neater.
If anything, she said.
Trish, there's two lines.
What? There's two lines in the box.
You can't have left it long enough.
Trish, you're pregnant.
Oh, my God.
Really? (GIGGLES) Oh, gosh.
I think I'm a bit dehydrated.
Oh, Bryony.
He's beautiful.
A pleasure to meet you, sir.
Oh.
Forward.
- A firm handshake.
- Bryony, why don't you go to your interview? Let me baby-sit.
I'm not leaving Baby Uncle Martin with you.
- Well, leave him with me.
- I can't leave him with strangers.
You've been coming here every fortnight for the last six years.
- I see you more than I see my own family.
- Fine.
Have him.
His stuff is all in there.
He needs changing cos he's done two shits.
See you! - Sure you're all right with him? - Oh, I'm fine.
Bryony has left me in charge.
Why don't I just take him for a bit? - Cos he wants to stay with me.
- I want to look after him.
- Karl? - Come on.
- For heaven's sake, Karl.
We can't have a tug-off over a baby! I mean I'm not complaining.
It's a great job.
A good salary.
A generous pension.
You should consider it.
Aw! Are you tired? Yeah.
I know what you mean.
I don't sleep like I used to.
Not since the divorce.
A little management tip for you, Martin.
Never marry a fireman.
Unless of course you fall in love with one.
You can marry who you like, these days.
Men and women.
Women and women.
Men and men.
A chap in America married his horse! Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, dear.
What's wrong? Got a headache? Gout? Are you hungry? I don't know if I've got anything for you.
OK.
Come on then.
Could I have him for a bit now, please? Erm Yeah.
Er That's fine.
You can take him.
I'm very busy anyway, so All the best, then, Martin.
It was lovely to meet you.
How is the job hunting going? Well, I've heard nothing from Claire's Accessories, so I'm assuming that's a no.
- Looks just like you.
- Hm? Oh, no, it's not my baby -- don't ask.
Really? You're a natural.
- Am I? - I've got six kids, mate, I know what I'm talking about.
That's why I need a job.
Get me out of the bloody house.
- (MARTIN CRIES) - Oh! Oh, don't cry, Baby Martin.
Don't cry.
Oh, yeah.
- What are you doing? - Recreating the womb.
It comforts the baby and aids restfulness.
- Karl, you're being -- - Responsible? Yeah.
Like any real male would be if he had a precious child to care for.
- I didn't think you were that into kids.
- What? I love them.
I'd have a kid today if I could.
Oh, well, you know, in nine months, that would be fine.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm ready to be a father.
I'm ready to be a father right now! Bring it on! Let's have loads.
Three? Four? Five? - Why stop at five? - All right.
Ten! One a year for the next ten years.
- You'll be pregnant for a decade! - Great (!) We'll have a house like Fagin's den.
Just cleaner.
Look, it's got a little penguin on it.
You don't want that, do you, Martin? You want a real animal.
Like a wolf or a komodo dragon.
Not a flightless bird.
It's not for him.
It's for Natalie's little 'un.
Just popping out to the doctor's.
(MOUTHS) I'm positively blooming, Janette.
Oh, that's very nice.
Very smart.
Is that yours, Martin? You didn't mention it.
No.
It's for Natalie.
- I've already said it won't fit her.
- It's not for Natalie.
It's for Karl and Natalie's baby.
What? Natalie Mason? (SIGHS) OK, Karl, oh, I can't believe I'm saying this.
Honestly, it's fine.
I've been expecting it all day.
I'll never get used to doing this.
- I've done it with everyone I've been out with.
- Really? Oh, my God.
This isn't gonna work.
What? What isn't gonna work? Yeah, I know I wasn't amazing with Baby Uncle Martin, but, you know, I didn't drop him.
Natalie Mason, you pregnancy-stealing bitch! - What? - You didn't think to mention it? - She didn't tell me, either.
Oh, and you'll be so much better at being pregnant than me.
So much younger, so much fitter.
You'll snap straight back into shape after the birth, because your fandango is made of elastic.
I hope you get stretch marks! What the hell was that about? I'm not pregnant! - You're not pregnant? - No.
- Well, then, why are you dumping me? - You were pretending to be a womb! - Because I thought you were pregnant.
- Why does everyone think I'm pregnant? - I found a pregnancy test in your drawer.
- What were you doing in my drawer? - Looking for my present.
(GROANS) I didn't buy you a fucking present! We need hot water and paper towels! Angela's cat is having kittens! (MEOWS) Remember your breathing.
Yeah? Get ready to push.
Oh, here comes another.
(ANGELA BREATHES RAPIDLY) What's going on? Why is there a cat shitting wet hamsters in my Baby Uncle Martin's pram? Her contractions started.
I needed to put Muff somewhere she felt safe.
Muff? Piss off! Have you got a dog called Bell-End, as well? Trish, are you OK? Where have you been? The doctor's.
For a proper pregnancy test.
- So you're pregnant? - No.
I'm not.
Again.
False positives happen all the time.
Apparently.
Sorry I called you a bitch, Natalie.
- My hormones are all over the place.
- But you're not pregnant.
Well, then, I'm just sorry.
Just so you know, I'm not pregnant, either.
It was all a big misunderstanding.
I loved being pregnant.
I mean, even though I wasn't.
So Trish is on a mission.
A Trish Mission.
A trish-ion! I have to be a mother, Natalie.
I feel the need.
The need to breed.
- (KITTENS MEOW) - Why are there cats in my job centre? - Taking them home, Angela? - No.
- Where are you taking them? - The canal.
They're mongrels.
Muff was violated by a dirty tom.
As I live and breathe, Angela Bromford, put that box of kittens down now.
Fine.
Have 'em.
Just don't let them mate.
- Come on, Muff.
- (MEOWS)