The Last Man On Earth (2015) s03e01 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Last Man on Earth Who the hell are you? I'm an astronaut.
I-I just came from space.
- Were you exposed to the virus?! - No, no, I promise! Pat Brown, last man on Earth.
Should've stayed in the truck, bud.
Holy farts.
Carol.
You're pregnant.
- I'm pregnant! (laughs) - (squeals) - (coughing) - MELISSA: He has to go.
Maybe I should just go away for a while.
GAIL: Carol, Tandy, come look at this.
TANDY: Oh, dear God.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, farts.
These guys do not look friendly.
Maybe they just need directions.
Hells bells, Carol! They don't need damn directions! Okay, everyone just calm down! Okay? There's no need to freak out.
Oh, crap.
Run, run, run, run! - Run, run, run! Go! - (all screaming) Go, go! (screams) Carol, what's happening? There's some spooky people here with possibly dark intentions.
W-Well, let me out.
Have you learned your lesson about not using firearms? - Yes.
Yes, yes, yes! - Okay! Firearms are not the answer.
I stand by that.
Okay, we got to go.
Melissa, where are you going? Melissa! (groans) Oh, crap, we're blocked in! Who was driving the A-Team van? Ah, man, my bad! Okay, well, where do you have the keys? - No.
- What?! Oh, my goodness, - I think I left them inside! - (screams) Okay, guys, the key is attached to a small plastic Mr.
T.
It is just the classic "T" look, Mohawk, muscles, lots of gold chains.
If you press him, it says, you know, "I pity the fool.
" We get it, Todd! I'm not finding it.
It's not here! They're coming up the path! Everybody, grab a weapon! Throats and balls! Aim at throats and balls! A-And eyes! And, uh, uh, butts! J-Just aim at anything! Shh! (whispers): They're here.
(whispering): There it is.
Mr.
T.
MR.
T KEY CHAIN: I pity the fool.
Damn it.
Shh.
Peekaboo.
(Todd and Gail screaming) (all shouting) (all screaming) All right, easy! - Easy, take it easy! - Put 'em down! (overlapping shouting and screaming) Put it down! Put that down! Hey! I'll shoot.
I'm serious.
She will! She loves guns! - Drop it, blondie.
- You drop it! TANDY: Melissa, watch out! (all scream) Oh! Stop! Don't shoot! Don't shoot! Don't shoot me! Oh, God.
Darrell! Can you hear me? (groans) We weren't gonna shoot you.
We come in peace.
We come in peace.
Stay with me, Darrell.
You're gonna pull through this, buddy! Stay with me! (sighs) He's gone.
And we can build this dream together Standing strong forever Nothing's gonna stop us now And in this world of distant lovers We'll still have each other Nothing's gonna stop us Nothing's gonna stop us Now Ooh, woo-ooh, ooh Yeah Nothing's gonna stop us! So, after the Northwest Passage, I ran into Darrell and Lewis here, and we set sail for Hawaii.
And then we were just passing by Malibu, and damn if we didn't see your lights.
Well, we just feel so bad about murdering your friend.
Just sick about it.
Oh, well, we barely knew that guy.
It's just a horrible misunderstanding.
So, Lewis, um, what did you do before all this? I was a surgeon.
Oh! That's amazing.
Carol and I, we're pregnant, so LEWIS: No, no, no.
For trees.
A tree surgeon.
More of an arborist.
Ooh.
(laughs) That's too bad.
How about you, Blue Man Group? Purveyor of ice cream.
Brief incarcerant.
Jean art enthusiast.
Wait, uh, jean art? Uh, like what it sounds.
Art on jeans.
You give me a pair of 501s and a Sharpie, and I can make them sing like a Doobie Brother.
Well, that sounds fun.
(chuckles) What's up with the suit? Well, I never take it off on land.
I-It's that's just what the government wants, to fill me with virus.
Right, Lewis? So I stay out on the water.
But it gets kind of lonely out there.
No family.
No friends.
I don't know if you know how blessed you are to have found each other.
Oh, I think we do, and it's all because of Tandy here.
- He brought us together.
- PAT: Really? You're lucky to have a leader like that.
Well, I wouldn't say, uh, I mean leader? (laughs) Thank you, Pat.
PAT: You know, I know I know we got off to an awkward start, but is-is there any way that you guys would consider letting us - stay around for a spell? - Or one of us.
We're not a package deal.
We're easy, so, uh Uh c-could you excuse us while we discuss your fate? - Well, of course.
- Sure.
They seem like pretty good guys, right? GAIL: Okay.
I'm just gonna come right out and say it: Pat sucks.
Yeah, he's mad as a cut snake.
Just a full-blown poddy-dodger.
Ah, he's not a poddy-dodger.
Well, I like Lewis's energy.
There we go, Carol.
But Pat, yeah, I mean, he just seems like a real bad news Barry.
I'll give them the news.
Hey, guys (shotgun pumps) TANDY: No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
Okay, so they didn't make a great first impression, but look at me.
I mean, when I first met Carol, I was such a mess, she pulled a gun on me.
Oh, it's true.
You know, it took me a while to realize that Tandy wasn't a dangerous lunatic, but in fact the man of my dreams.
TANDY: See? Now, why can't we just treat them like we treated each other? GAIL: God, Tandy, why do you have such a tent in your shorts about these guys? That's collected fabric, Gail.
- Yeah, that's fabric.
- God.
Look they're lonely, they're scared, and remember, we were the ones who shot their friend.
TANDY: Hey, guys.
Look, I'm really sorry about this, but, uh how would you like to stay? Are you serious? No, my name's Tandy.
Why, did someone tell you my name was "Serious"? Boom.
(laughs) (laughs) You're not gonna regret this.
I know we won't.
The house is just right up the path here.
(chuckles) What am I saying? You know where it is; you stormed it earlier.
I'm just trying to catch my breath a little, you know.
We'll be right up.
Look, this could be a really good thing for us.
Like a fresh start, if you know what I mean.
Yes, Pat, yes.
I mean, we both have our secrets, and it's gonna stay that way, capisce? I don't really have any secrets, Pat.
I Fresh start.
I understand, Pat.
Fresh start.
Hey, you guys coming up or what? Yeah, sure thing, ding-a-ling.
TANDY (laughs): Ding-a-ling.
Hey, how about we, uh, ink up some jeans? I'd love it.
Ding-a-ling.
(laughs) Fresh start.
(whispers): Fresh start.
Man, I love this room.
Just seems like the perfect place to masturbate.
That's exactly what it was designed for, actually.
Oh, I yeah, I'd do her, I'd do her, I'd do her, I'd do her, I'd well, I'd do anything with two legs.
- I ain't fussy.
- Well? Looking good, Hollywood! - Wow! - Hey, Pat.
I'm being very sincere here: these are frigging rad.
Thank you, Tandy.
So, uh, these leg designs walk me through them.
Well, it's just a general breast theme with cobras.
So, it is what it looks like, huh? Well amazing.
Oh.
(screams) Don't sit down.
Those aren't sitting jeans.
Oh.
Uh, you know, I was thinking, Tandy, uh maybe I'd do, like, jeans for the whole group.
Pat, what a nice idea.
You know, I never been good with people.
No.
- No, really, I - Really? I get nervous around them and I I spook them.
So I just that thought maybe this could be a good icebreaker.
Hey, try great icebreaker, huh? It's too bad that Titanic wasn't made out of your jeans, huh? That's You know, I'm getting a good vibe about you, Tandy.
Thanks, Pat.
I'm vibing you, too.
Hope your friends feel the same.
Hey, you just be yourself and you'll do fine.
Care Bear, what are these? Oh, yeah, could you put those on for me? They're eyebrows.
I've just been having a devil of a time tracking your emotional states, you know, since you balded yourself.
Is this really necessary? They say that eyebrows are the curtains to the windows to the soul of your face.
Okay, well, if they say it, I should probably do it, right? You know, I'm so proud of you for letting Lewis and Pat stay.
That's very "We Are the World" of you.
Thanks, Care Bear.
Although I'm still not sure about that Lewis guy.
Pat though? Oh, he's great.
I mean, you know, he's definitely a a rescue, might pee on the carpet from time to time, bark at a minority, hump some legs.
But once we housebreak him, oh, he's gonna be lickin' faces and waggin' that tizzy.
Tail.
Are you sure? Carol, look at me.
I got this.
You're flirting with me.
Oh.
PAT: Animal faces, inverted crosses, food What else I got here? Protective Wiccan symbols, a deck of cards, uh, your angels, your demons, the guy with the spiky hair who pees off the back of pickup trucks, hatchets, rainbows.
You know, that's just a small spattering of what I could draw on your jeans.
- Got it.
- O kay.
You like hair? What? Hair.
You like it? On guys? Hey-yo! I see you're all soaking up the sunshine that is Pat.
(both chuckle) What happened to your face? Yeah, your brows look insane.
- You got a problem with his brows? What?! - Okay! - Hey, hey! - Pat, Pat, Pat, no, no, no, it's okay.
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! - It's okay, huh? They're just razzin' me.
They're just having fun, right, guys? We're having fun, all right? I just didn't like the way she said that.
TANDY: Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's okay.
She didn't mean it, huh? Huh? Hey, why don't you and I go out and blow off a little steam, huh? - Would you like that, Pat? - Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
- (laughs) Good, let's go.
Whoa.
Think about your jeans.
'Cause you know? TANDY: That was sweet of you.
PAT: Where have you been all day? GAIL: All right, Lewis, start talking.
What do you mean? What's the deal with Pat? Oh, Pat? (chuckles) Pat is just a fantastic constant, just endless source of (chuckles) He's very fun.
(laughs) He doesn't seem fun.
No.
He seems like a solid gold nut.
LEWIS: What? Not my Pat, no.
Something's not adding up here.
It's like a bi-corn.
"A bi-corn"? A unicorn with two horns.
Well, this is totally, totally unrelated, but, uh he's not, like, around here, right? Okay, damn it, Lewis, cut to the chase.
What are we dealing with here? He's crazy, right? He's-he's he's not just crazy, he's-he's dangerous.
(whispers): Like, he's seriously dangerous.
Wait, what are you saying? I'm saying, I think you shot the wrong person.
And then, after being at sea with him for a few days, we realized this person is severely unwell.
He told me that he killed somebody a few weeks ago 'cause he was going to alert the bunker people to his location.
Some kind of government conspiracy.
(gasps) I knew it, I knew it! He's a flippin' psycho.
Oh, my God, Tandy's with him.
Fire in the hole.
(both groan) - Damn! - Damn it.
Okay, let's try, uh, five degrees to the right.
Pat, you are such a breath of fresh air.
Thank you.
Been going through kind of a - a tough time lately.
- Oh, yeah? I lost my brother not too long ago.
Sorry to hear that.
He was the best.
Oh, man, I really looked up to him.
He was the one who should've survived, not me.
I miss him.
Fire in the hole! (both groan) Okay, maybe a little more to the left now.
You know, I had a friend like that.
Really good fella.
We had a real good connection.
And then, forces beyond my control just took him away, just like that.
Sorry to hear that.
What was your brother's name? - Mike.
- Mike? That's the name of the fella I met.
(chuckles): Yeah, pretty common name.
Well, here's to the Mikes.
To the Mikes.
Fire in the hole! This one's looking good! It's looking good.
(both laughing, cheering) - Hoo! - Yeah! Well, you know what they say, "Pier today, gone tomorrow.
" Boom.
(laughs) Tandy, that is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
It's called friendship, Pat.
Gail, I am worried about Melissa.
She's fine.
She murdered someone, and I don't think she's processing it.
Melissa, have you processed your murder of Darrell? Yeah.
See? Good evening, Vietnam.
Tandy, where have you been? What, uh, Pat and I just blew up the Santa Monica Pier; isn't that cool? Tandy, look, there are some things you don't know about Pat.
Well, there are some things that you don't know about Pat.
He's very dangerous.
Yeah, Tandy, he needs to leave.
Look, I know Pat's awkward.
Pat knows he's awkward.
But he's really trying.
And all he wants is to be a part of this group.
- It's not - (Lewis clears throat) Hope I'm not late for dinner.
Well, look at this.
Aren't you spiffy.
(chuckles): Oh, that's funny.
But I thought my name was not Spiffy, but rather Patrick.
Uh, boom.
Um I just I-I want to thank y'all for opening your hearts to me.
I-I would never have had the courage to take off that suit if it weren't for your support.
And for the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm-I'm home.
You are, bud.
(chuckles softly) Oh.
I really hope you all like jeans, because I made custom jobbies for each and every one of you.
And, Gail these are for you.
(quietly): Thank you.
Pat, you shouldn't have, but you did.
I'm telling you, it just feels so great to be out of the suit, you know? And, I mean, and touch things.
Like couch.
Lamp! TANDY: You walk around, touch whatever you want.
'Cause you already touched our hearts.
- Gail.
- Keep it moving.
Like chair.
(quietly): Tandy, he killed someone.
- Oh, is that what this is about? - PAT: Book.
- Huh? He killed someone? - Yeah.
Well, may I remind you, you killed someone, and you killed someone, - and you killed someone.
- (gasps) PAT: Photograph.
CAROL: I can't believe you would say that (Carol and Tandy continue talking quietly) PAT: Mike.
(whispers): It's completely different.
Oh, so we're just gonna turn our backs on him? I guess that's our M.
O.
, huh? TODD: What are you talking about, Tandy? TANDY: This group has a history of throwing people out like trash when we're done with them.
Or did you conveniently forget quarantining Mike, driving Phil out? Heck, you even tried to kick me out, your leader! Now, listen to me.
This is a good man, okay? Yeah, does he try too hard sometimes? Maybe.
At least he's out there on the playing field, instead of sitting in the peanut gallery playing judge, jury and executioner.
- PAT: Tandy! - And he's got a gun.
PAT: Nobody move! Okay, P-Pat, Pat? I'm not gonna move that much further.
I just want to just want to talk.
Now, can I just ask Pat? Can we have Patrick back? I thought we were friends.
I thought I could trust you.
I am your friend! Trust away! You're a big fake.
You're as fake as those stupid eyebrows.
Take 'em off.
No, no, please, please.
Take 'em off! Okay, okay! Help me out.
Where are the rest of 'em? The rest of who? The bunker people! Here we go.
What the hell's he talking about? This.
Your Mike is my Mike.
The Mikes have become one.
You lied! So you could infect me with the virus! 'K-Kay, man, calm down, okay, man? Oh, I'm calm.
I'm "cume" as a "calmcumber.
" 'Cause I know the path is laid out before me now.
You're confused.
I thought my name was Pat.
Uh, boom.
(all scream) No! Please, please, please! We're so sorry that we upset you.
He's being sincere; you just probably can't tell 'cause he has no eyebrows.
Head or heart? What? I want to know what you want me to shoot first, after I shoot your balls off.
Your head or your heart? (high-pitched): None of 'em.
Wrong answer.
(all scream, gun clicks empty) Run! (all screaming) TANDY: Geez, Lewis, thanks for giving us a heads up about your friend! TODD: Get in, get in! I got the key! - I got the key! - KEY CHAIN: I pity the fool.
I pity the fool.
- (engine starts) - TANDY: Go, go, go, go, go! (all screaming) - (tires screech) - He's gonna shoot us! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I think I killed him! - Oh, I think I killed him! - (all continue screaming)