The Muppet Show (1976) s03e01 Episode Script

Kris Kristofferson

Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge, No problem.
- We'll be ready.
Great.
Uh, by the way, I hope you folks don't mind having to share a dressing room.
Nah.
- No, not at all.
Good.
Come on in, guys! You can share Kris and Rita's dressing room! Oh, boy! It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest stars Rita Coolidge and Kris Kristofferson.
Yay! # It's time to play the music It's time to light the light # It's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight # It's time to put on makeup It's time to dress up right # It's time to get things started # Why don't you get things started? # Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah # It's time to get things started # On the most sensational, inspirational # Celebrational, Muppetational # This is what we call The Muppet Show # Uh, excuse me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
We have a very special show tonight because we have not one but two special guest stars.
We have Mr.
Kris Kristofferson and Miss Rita Coolidge.
Yeah.
Kermie, Kermie.
- Uh, yes, Miss Piggy? I just want to thank you for letting me do this opening number with Kris.
Oh, well, that's all right.
- It's a very sexy number.
I hope you won't be jealous.
- Don't worry.
Uh, you sure? - Positive.
Oh.
Kris, please! Kermie, you'd better introduce us.
He just cannot wait.
Yeah.
Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, here he is Kermie, I just want you to know, no matter what happens, it's you I love.
Trust me.
Uh yeah.
OK.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Mr.
Kris Kristofferson.
# Take the ribbon from your hair # Shake it loose, let it fall # Layin' soft against my skin # Like the shadows on the wall Kris.
# Come and lay down by my side All right.
- # Till the early morning light Oh, you silver-tongued devil.
# All I'm taking is your time Take it! - # Help me make it through the night Oh, Krissie.
# We don't care who's right or wrong # I don't try to understand # Let the devil take tomorrow - # Lord, tonight I need a friend - Oh, yes.
# Yesterday is dead and gone # Yesterday is dead and gone # And tomorrow's out of sight # Yes, tomorrow's out of sight # And it's sad to be alone # So sad to be alone # Help me make it through the night # We don't want to be alone # Help me make it through the night # You rascal.
Wonderful! - Wonderful! # Copenhagen # OK, stagehands, strike Kris's number.
I'm introducing the dog act.
Dogs on stage, please.
Hey, Gladys.
- Yeah, dear? What's the soup du jour? - Same as yesterday.
Good.
I'll have that and the chicken.
Now, how do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled or barbecued? I want the chicken for company! I hate to eat alone.
For a second there I thought you was one of them weirdoes.
I still do.
Hey, Gonzo, Kermit says you're on next.
Oh, thank you.
- It's OK, dear.
You'll pay me later.
Thank you.
- You're finally gonna get to do the old piano-balancing act, eh? - Yeah.
You'll pay me now.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo, in a master feat of mathematical dexterity.
Um, is he ready back there? - Uh, no, no.
I'm ready.
- Yeah, yeah.
Uh OK.
The Great Gonzo, in a master feat of mathematical dexterity, will recite the seven times multiplication table while balancing a piano and standing in a hammock.
The Great Gonzo! Ta-da! Seven Seven times one is, uh Seven.
Seven times two is, uh 1 7.
Oh, let me count that.
All right.
Seven, eight, nine, ten, carry the one Eleven, 1 2 Well, that act certainly suited Gonzo.
It did? - Yep.
Suited him down to the ground.
Dr.
Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made, today.
Well, I've got some news of welcome relief to short, stubbly people like Beaker here.
Announcing new Muppet Labs' Atomic Elevator Shoes.
Yes, these shoes can add inches to your height at the mere flick of a lever.
Beaker is wearing them now, and they work like this.
Up - Ooh! down.
Oh, Beaker, stop it! You're just acting like a baby.
And so, the Atomic Elevator Shoe adds untold inches to Beaker's unfortunate physique.
Beaker! You never told me you wore stripy socks.
That's all for today from Muppet Labs.
Timber! # My wild Irish rose Uh Wait, wait Stand by for Rita's number.
Woodland animals on stage, please.
Oh, what a nice stole.
Hello, Miss Piggy.
Oh.
Ahem.
Hello, Annabel.
- You look so beautiful today.
Of course I do.
Now, what'll it be? One Weight Watchers special? I shall see the menu, s'il vous plait.
The name's Gladys.
Well, Gladys, I shall have, let me see A watercress sandwich on whole wheat and four ounces of rhubarb juice.
One fatso special! Oh, and what will we have for you, dear? Well, I'm not really hungry, but I'll have a chocolate milkshake, a hamburger with French fries on the side and apple pie with cream.
One kamikaze special! - Oh, what a cute name.
Yes, isn't that sweet, all that food? I'm sorry.
And now, a Muppets news flash.
This is an update on the Henderson burglary.
Police have recovered all the stolen property except the silverware.
It has disappeared into thin air.
Excusez-moi, Kermie.
- Not right now, Miss Piggy.
I have to go introduce Rita Coolidge.
- I just wanted to mention that Mr.
Kristofferson and Miss Coolidge are happily married.
Uh, yeah, I know.
- Mm-hmm.
It It shows you can combine show business careers and marriage.
Well, I suppose it does, yes.
You know, we both have show business careers.
That's true.
- Mm-hmm.
Need I say more? Miss Piggy, I really have to go introduce Rita Coolidge.
Yes, dear.
I just wanted you to think about it.
I don't have time to think about it.
Maybe six months in the hospital will give you more time to think.
I I will think about it.
Thank you.
And now, here she is, our second very special guest, a lovely lady with a beautiful voice and a wonderful song, Miss Rita Coolidge.
# Outside, the rain begins # And it may never end # So cry no more, on the shore # A dream will take us out to sea # Forevermore # Forevermore # Close the window Calm the light # And it will be all right # No need to bother now # Let it out Let it all begin # Learn how to pretend # Once a story's told # It can't help but grow old # Roses do, lovers too # So cast your seasons to the wind # And hold me, dear # Oh, hold me, dear # Close the window Calm the light # And it will be all right # No need to bother now # Let it out Let it all begin # All's forgotten now # My love # My love # Very nice.
- Thank you.
Ahem.
I take great pride in introducing the charming 1 8th century romantic ballad, A Frog He Would A-Wooing Go.
Go.
# A frog he would a-wooing go # Hey, ho, said Rowley # Whether his mother would let him or no # With a Rowley roly gammon or spinach # Hey, ho, said Anthony Rowley Hmm.
Beautiful.
- Thank you.
Next verse.
# He came to sweep Miss Mousey's hall Hey, ho, said Rowley # He gave a loud knock He gave a loud call # With a Rowley poly gammon and spinach # Hey, ho, says Anthony Rowley Charming.
- Thank you.
Next verse.
# But while they there were merry making # Hey, ho, said Rowley # A cat and her kittens came tumbling in # With a Rowley poly gammon and spinach # Hey, ho, said Anthony Rowley # Oh, yes.
Sheer poetry, isn't it? I think I'd like it more if I understood the words.
Oh, well, which words? Well, let's start with "A frog he would a-wooing go.
" A-ha! Uh, yes, that.
This shows us that there was a time when frogs, indeed, used to go "woo.
" Frogs don't go "woo, woo.
" They go "ribbit.
" Only very recently.
"Hey, ho, said Anthony Rowley.
" Ah, oh, yes.
Oh, that one.
The precise meaning of the expression "hey, ho" is lost in antiquity.
You won't find any modern rubbish here.
What about "Rowley poly gammon and spinach"? Oh, yes, yes, yes.
- What's that? That's rubbish.
- That's what I thought.
Why are they clapping? Hey, Rita, we gotta talk about something.
You alone? Yes.
Are you sure? Sure I'm sure, Kris.
You don't see anybody, do you? No, but around here it doesn't make any difference.
Everything on this show walks and talks.
Animals, vegetables.
Don't forget about the minerals.
You heard me, buster! Uh, would you mind leaving us alone for a while, please? Oh, sure thing.
Come on, gang.
They want to be alone.
Let's go wait in the hall.
Rita, this is a very weird show.
Yes.
That was a little strange, but I think you'll find most of the Muppets are pretty normal.
Uh, Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Scooter, Kermit.
Hi.
Hi.
- What about this one? Hello, Gonzo.
- Hi.
Say, how about a couple of autographs? Sure, I'll get a pen for you.
- You don't have to.
I already signed them.
You're giving us your autographs.
Yeah.
They're really valuable now since my piano-balancing act.
But, uh, Gonzo, you fell.
- I know! A lot of people think I'm dead now.
Isn't that terrific? # Some folks like to get away # Take a holiday from the neighborhood # Hop a flight to Miami Beach or to Hollywood # But I'm taking a Greyhound on the Hudson River line # I'm in a New York state of mind # It was so easy living day by day # Out of touch with the rhythm and blues # Now I need a little give and take # The New York Times # The Daily News # Come down to reality # And it's fine with me 'cause I've let it slide # Don't care if it's Chinatown or round at Riverside # I don't have any reasons # Left them all behind # I'm in a New York state of mind # I'm in a New York state of mind # Well, I didn't think I'd live to see it, but, for once, they've given us something other than second-rate entertainment.
What's that? - Third-rate entertainment.
Mm-mmm-mmm! That was mighty fine, Gladys.
My compliments to the chef.
Hey, he says he liked it.
- Who you talking to? The short order cook.
This place takes itself so literally.
Of course it does.
Hey, you want to see our apple turnover? Sure.
- Hey, apple, turn over! Hii-yup! Hey, I might just slide by later and take a look at the salad dressing.
Hey, what about Animal? He hasn't ordered yet.
Nah, it's OK.
He just finished a TV dinner.
Did he remember to thaw it? - Thaw it? He didn't even unplug it! TV dinner! TV dinner! [# Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee # Hi-diddle-dee-dee An actor's life for me # A high silk hat and a silver cane # A watch of gold with a diamond chain # Hi-diddle-dee-doo You sleep till after two # You promenade with a big cigar # You tour the world in a private car # You dine on chicken and caviar # An actor's life for me OK, what happens now? - Now comes the funny part.
Well, leaving the stage is funnier than a lot of things the bear does.
OK, now, ask me what I'm carrying the fish for.
Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the fish for? Oh, just for the halibut.
Eh, you were better off leaving the stage.
Ha! # Hi-diddle-dee-dee An actor's life for me # A high silk hat and a silver cane # A watch of gold with a diamond chain # Hi-diddle-dee-doo You sleep till after two Hey, Fozzie, this number needs help.
No, it doesn't, it needs scenery! Oh, it's wonderful scenery, but is it funny? OK, now, ask me what I'm carrying the hoop for.
Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the hoop for? Ah, because Statler and Waldorf always say the show is hoopless.
Just for the halibut.
- Keep trying.
Oh, boy.
# Hi-diddle-dee-dee An actor's life for me # A high silk hat and a silver cane # A watch of gold with a diamond chain # Hi-diddle-dee-doo You sleep till after two # You promenade with a big cigar # You tour the world in a private car # You dine on chicken and caviar An actor's life for me # An actor's life for me! # Well, we've heard one of our guest stars, and then we've heard the other one.
Now, let's put them together and see what happens.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge.
# There's a song I'd like to sing # Do you know the song I mean? # It don't always sound the same # But it's always good to sing # Anyone can say the words # Anyone can sing the tune # If you take a little time # I can teach this song to you # And we can get to know each other # Like a sister and a brother # Like a father and a mother # Like a woman and a man # We can sing along together # Just enjoy until it's over # It don't need to last forever # But if we want it to, it can # La-la, la-la, la-la-la # La-la, la-la, la-la-la # La-la, la-la, la-la-la # La-la, la-la, la-la-la # Maybe it don't mean a thing # But it's a pretty little tune # It's a song I like to sing # That I love to sing with you # Arriba! # Cha, cha, cha! # Well, we've just about come down to the end of another one.
Before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest stars Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge.
Thanks for having us, Kermit.
It was a lot of fun.
Oh, good.
- Yeah.
Kermit, where's Gonzo? Gonzo.
Oh, he was, uh Oh, Gonzo.
Shh! I'm only pretending.
My autographs will be worth a fortune.
Gonzo! What?! Good night! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! You know, they can improve the whole show if they just change the ending.
How? - Put it closer to the beginning.

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