The Nanny s03e01 Episode Script

- Anything for the post office? - Here.
Miss Babcock's corporate tax returns must be postmarked by the 15th or she'll face substantial penalties.
Today's the 16th, Niles.
What's your point? Would you mail this letter to Lenny? You know, I can't believe you're still writing to your first-grade pen pal.
Why? Val wrote to hers for a long time until eventually he lost his appeal.
She got tired of writing him, huh? No.
He lost his appeal.
They fried him at Leavenworth.
Here you go.
Miss Fine, this is an Easter Seal.
- Oh, they don't look.
- Oh.
Something smells rotten in here.
Or dead under the house.
Or Maggie, I love your new perfume.
She's trying to attract a guy.
Who, the Orkin Man? Now, Brighton, be nice to your sister.
Thank God my new girlfriend doesn't smell like that.
Oh, does she fold out and thumbtack to the wall like the last one? Well, I think it's just fabulous.
Now even you'll be married before me.
Who is this little tramp that's after your father's money? Well, her name's Veronica.
I leave notes for her in third period, she leaves them for me in fourth.
We've had no physical contact whatsoever.
Well, it's working for Michael and Lisa Marie.
Oh, Autumn, what are you doing? You're throwing your life away.
And for what? That schmendrick Owen? Oh, this isn't even my soap.
Oh, Summer, what are you doing? Throwing your life away.
Oh, Nanny Fine.
How can you watch those soaps? The plots are so What's going on? Well, she is hopelessly in love with her business partner, only he doesn't even know she exists.
What a loser.
Hello, Maxwell.
Maxwell! Oh, I'm sorry, C.
C.
I didn't notice you there.
So what's gonna happen? Is she going to get this guy or bash his British head in or what? Well, he asked her to work late tonight, and she's going to seduce him.
So we'll find out what happens tomorrow? Tomorrow? This is a soap.
We'll be lucky if six months from now that coffee she's making is ready.
Oh, C.
C.
, what are you doing Saturday night? Oh, my cousin Gee Gee needs a transfusion, and my blood type is the why? Never mind.
I just thought we could do some work, but under the circumstances, with your cousin What's the rush? I mean, they gave her six months.
You know, if she were Jewish, her last name would be Iceberg.
Oh, lookee here.
Another letter from that pen pal of yours.
Do I detect a strong, hideous cologne? Yeah, your daughter just left.
But on the bright side, no more silverfish.
Oh, Lenny.
- Oh, stop doing that.
- What? Whenever you get a letter from Lenny, you make that ridiculous grin.
No, I don't.
You know, you never did tell me what this Lenny chap looks like.
Oh, I have no idea.
We vowed never to exchange photographs, which is probably why he stood by me through my fatal attraction with Ben and Jerry.
Yes.
I've seen those pictures at your mother's.
Listen, Mr.
Smarty Feldman, he who wore a plaid skirt to his high school graduation should not throw stones.
It was a kilt.
You say potato.
Oh, no, I'm nauseous! What, Lenny broke the no-photo rule? No.
He's coming to New York, and he wants to meet me for dinner at the Russian Tea Room.
The Russian Tea Rooms are bad because waiters dressed as Cossacks give you the creeps? What? No.
I'm afraid to meet Lenny because, well over the years, I might have stretched the truth a little bit.
For instance? Oh, things.
Oh, cheer up, FloJo.
Silver goes with everything.
Are you out of your mind? What, no good? You wouldn't believe I'm the fastest woman on Earth? In that outfit I would.
You like? 'Cause I did kind of tell him that I was also a little more popular than I am.
Yes, sir! - You know - Oh, what a great audience.
Thank you! You know, to me to me nothing says debutante like a leopard-skin cocktail dress.
What, no Oprah? I don't do daytime.
Miss Fine, whatever possessed you to make up all these things? What is it you're always telling the children? Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day? All right, what is it I'm always telling the children? Miss Fine works too hard.
We should send her to Club Med.
No.
To tell the truth.
Oy, I think I told him I was on that show, too.
Oh, mayday, Fran.
Veronica stayed after school so she could meet me.
And that's it.
It's over.
Oh, what happened? Well, I wrote to her and told her I look like Brad Pitt, and I don't.
B, you made up some cock-and-bull story just to make yourself seem better? I'm so surprised at you.
What? I said I was surprised at him.
I had to lie to Lenny.
A guy like that's not gonna be interested in me without the Olympics, Letterman, and my career.
You told him you were a nanny? Close.
Houston, we have a problem.
Oh, Niles, I thought I might as well give Miss Fine a lift to the Russian Tea Rooms.
I'm going out anyway.
Got to drop by my, uh my, um, attorney's.
Your attorney is nowhere near the Russian Tea Room.
Then I'll get a new one.
Same place I'll get a butler.
Admit it, sir.
You're dying to get a look at this Leonard fellow.
Oh, Niles, as usual, you are way off the mark.
Do you think he still has all his hair? Oh, no, sir.
You're the fairest of them all.
Where is Miss Fine anyway? Oh, she's upstairs getting all farpitzed.
What does that mean? You know, dressed.
I thought that was farblondzhet.
No, sir, that means confused.
No, man, that's farkatke.
Well, then, what's farshimmelt? I think that's her uncle.
Oh, Miss Fine, you look beautiful.
Oh, yeah, but I'm all farshvitzt.
Oh, what am I so afraid of anyway? So I told Lenny that I'm a little more sophisticated than I really am.
Oh, God.
Please let that be an eyelash.
Yeah, it was.
Tell me the truth.
If you were expecting Grace Kelly, and I showed up, you wouldn't be disappointed, right? - Literally Grace Kelly? - Yeah.
Well, yes.
I believe you farkatked up, sir.
Oh, forget it.
I'm not going.
Oh, Miss Fine, what, so for the next 20 years, I have to hear about this wonderful man you never met? You are going.
As a matter of fact You're going to take her yourself.
I'm going to take you myself Even though it's nowhere near your attorney.
Even though it's nowhere near my Anyway, you're going to meet this Lenny fellow face to face so you can see that he is no better than I am.
You are.
Would you please? You are.
All right, let's go.
Wait, wait.
Oh, I know.
I'll tell him I couldn't come because Miss America could not fulfill her duties and I had to jump in.
That's good, that's good.
No, you wrote that to him in your last letter.
A million Rosa Lopezes in the world, and we got to end up with a domestic with total recall.
Hello, hello.
Ready to work? Maxwell? I'll be back in a while, C.
C.
Can you start without me? She can, and she has.
Come along, Miss Fine.
There's no reason to be so trepidatious.
Well, I can't help it.
I'm nervous.
Oh, what if he's not as accepting of me as you are? I mean, you've seen me at my absolute worst.
Yes, I have.
When? No, I just mean your absolute worst is absolutely lovely.
You know, there's a pooper-scooper law in this city.
Come along.
Oh, I'm going.
I'm going.
Quit pushing.
Quit pushing.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, it's very sweet of you to sit with me until Lenny comes, but it isn't necessary.
I'm a grown woman.
I can handle myself.
Hello, girl sweet as pudding.
Uh, you know, my wife was pissed, but I felt trapped in my old body.
Forget it, Miss Fine.
I'm not going anywhere.
Would you care for an aperitif? No, I'll just do a little before-dinner drink.
Two champagne cocktails, please.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield.
Buying drinks, how classy.
Boy, me and Val usually just sit at the bar and wait for the guys next to us to go to the bathroom, and then we take theirs.
You'd drink someone else's drink? No! We just hold it.
Well, you got to have a drink to get into the free happy-hour buffet.
Don't you ever go out? Actually, I'll have you know I was quite the Jack-the-lad in my day.
Oh, well, that's okay.
Everybody goes through a curiosity phase.
Oh, thanks.
Ah, just in time.
Oh, I don't know why I'm so worried about meeting Lenny anyway.
I mean, at least I'm not that broad over there.
Would you look at her? Desperate look in her eyes, boozing it up.
Oh, my God! It's me! Maxwell, darling, is that you? Don't turn around.
I'm yours.
Tell me what you want me to do.
Cluck like a chicken.
What? It turns me on.
Mr.
Sheffield's been delayed.
Did you think I was him? If you tell anyone about this Oh, I'd never do that.
We need the eggs.
Oh, I'll tell you, I feel so out of place here.
I can't remember the last time I sat on a barstool waiting to meet a guy.
I thought you went out last night with Val.
Oh, yeah.
That's when it was.
Oh, would you look at those two chippies over there checking you out? You know, Mr.
Sheffield, you're not tied to me.
I mean, if you want to work the room No.
If I get up, you might take my drink.
Touche.
You are so suave bola.
I bet you got some sure-fire pickup lines.
Well, the first one's simply, "Maxwell Sheffield, Broadway producer.
" What's the second one? "How do you like your eggs?" Mr.
Sheffield.
I wonder what's keeping Lenny.
Lenny who? Oh.
He's half-an-hour late.
The suspense must be killing you.
Huh? Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just thinking how nice it is to get out, you know, without the kids.
Maybe it's time we thought about hiring someone to take care of Oh.
Yes, Miss Fine, I've often thought of hiring a nanny myself.
Oh, you know, Mr.
Sheffield, I have a little confession to make.
I'm having such a great time just sitting here with you, I don't even care if Lenny is a no-show.
There he is, and he's gorgeous.
Go home.
Wait.
Miss Fine, how do you even know that's him? Well, we both agreed to wear a red rose.
He's turning around.
Boy, coming and going, it's still good.
Well, I suppose he's all right, if you go for that dark, Mediterranean, well-muscled-from-the-docks type.
What, are you jealous? Well, I admit, I wish I could lift a crate of rear-projection television sets, but unfortunately, I have to hire people to do that.
Hi, it's me! Hi.
Well, don't be shy.
Give me a kiss.
Maxwell Sheffield.
David Stavros.
Who? You're not Lenny? Well, what are you wearing a red rose for? I'm with the band.
You have some hell of a nerve! Now, kiss me goodnight and get out of here.
Uh, Miss Fine! Oh, all right.
Here.
Jot your number down on this napkin.
Now get lost.
What do you say? You want to give this Lenny another half-an-hour? Oh, no way.
The guy stood me up.
Boy, you'd think that he would want to meet the first millionaire woman astronaut who opened for Streisand.
Perhaps your letters intimidated him.
Yeah, well, if he can't handle a strong woman Excuse me, ma'am.
This was left for you.
Oh.
Oh, it's from Lenny.
"Dear Fran, this is my last letter.
When I came in and saw you with that great-looking guy, I knew I could never compete with him.
" Oh, Miss Fine, I I feel terrible.
You? What were the odds of Lenny walking in just when I was in the arms of David? Niles, I don't make it a habit of drinking with the help.
I've never been any help to you.
Exactly.
So, tell me, Rochester, what did you do to kill a day before I came along? Well, truth be told, my life was a little empty.
But now I have a hobby.
I loathe you.
I despise you.
Servant.
Trollop.
Bellboy.
Brunette.
Good night, Maxwell, Fanny Nine.
Swine.
Chicken.
Good night, people.
Miss Fine, how much did I have to drink this evening? Not as much as them.
I suppose when two people spend as much time around each other as those two, something like this is bound to happen.
Yeah, I suppose it's inevitable.
Are you are you thinking what I'm thinking? What are you thinking? I'm thinking about taking a shower and going to bed.
What a coincidence.
I'm going to bed thinking about you taking a shower.