The New Adventures of Old Christine s03e01 Episode Script

Do you know we've been on the phone for an hour and a half? I know.
My butt fell asleep a half an hour ago.
It's still the best date I ever had.
- I miss you.
- Me, too.
What are you wearing? Oh.
No, no, no.
You know what? Uh, I know where you're going here, and I'm gonna have to stop you.
I am so bad at Yeah? Maybe you need a little spanking.
No, no, no.
Daniel, stop.
Seriously, uh phone sex is not my thing.
I-I get way too dirty, way too fast, and people don't react well.
How many people? Well, you know, a few people.
One person.
It got me fired.
Okay, so no phone sex.
I guess there's always real sex.
I thought you wanted to wait.
I did.
I t important we get to know each other first.
I I I 't want to mess this up by jumping into bed right away, like I have with other people.
How many people? It got me fired.
I can wait as long as you can.
- I think I'm ready.
- Be there in ten minutes.
Oh, wait, wait.
Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna need a little prep time.
Uh, but here's the thing.
Ritchie's asleep, and if I start turning on the equipment, it gets too loud.
Okay.
So how about tomorrow night? Tomorrow night sounds perfect.
And you know what I'm gonna do? Tell me.
I'm gonna throw you on the floor and rip off all your clothes and shove my Hey, hey.
Don't make me fire you.
Sorry, sorry.
Yeah.
It's just the phone.
I am so gentle in person.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Not if I see you first, you sexy mother What are they doing? It's a book fair.
Are there rides? No, there aren't rides; there are books.
Why is it outside? Because it's a fair? Are there rides? Okay, go darling go pick out a book.
- Okay? I'll see you later.
- Okay.
Are we at all worried about him? Okay, Richard, you know the plan, right? You're gonna come, you're gonna pick up Ritchie, he's sleeping at your house tonight.
And, do not come back if he forgets something.
Seriously.
If he doesn't have a toothbrush, just, you know Well, it doesn't matter-- I think they're still his baby teeth.
You guys are done having kids, right? Richard, Richard, I'm serious, okay? I really mean business.
And by business, I mean, dirty business.
And by dirty business, I mean sex.
Thanks for cracking that code.
I want the house empty.
Well, I have class anyway.
I have gross anatomy tonight.
And he had bad breath this morning.
No.
We get our cadavers tonight.
And Mr.
Harris gets his cadaver tonight, too.
I don't like that.
Ah, hello, crazy, mixed-up, Campbell family.
Hello, Matthew.
Hello, Lindsay.
Or Marly.
It's Lindsay.
No, I'm Lindsay.
You're Marly.
Ugh! God, does I am just so hungry.
Yeah, she's giving up sugar and food.
So, take a look around the book fair.
Don't worry, Christine; it's not just books.
It's also magazines and comics and cute little puppy calendars on that table, over there.
Lindsay, you don't give someone a calendar who has nothing to put in it.
Well, I wawa just trying to steer her toward the inexpensive table.
She's lonely and poor.
Well, how do you make someone like that feel better? Hey, hey! I don't need you to make me feel better.
I have a very full life.
Go ahead.
Go ahead, tell 'em.
Tell 'em who I'm gonna be with tonight.
- That thing in your nightstand? - That thing in your underwear drawer? That thing Ritchie found in the box of Christmas decorations, and then when we couldn't explain it, we had to put it on top of the Christmas tree and tell him it was a "pickle angel"? For your information, I am going to be with Mr.
Harris tonight.
Or Daniel as I call him because I am dating him.
Yeah, yeah.
I've been dating him for two months.
If I weren't dating him, why would I have this picture of him on my phone? Well, that doesn't prove anything.
We all have pictures of Mr.
Harris on our phones.
See, here is one of him on thehehest day of school.
Here's one of him on the last day of school.
And here's one of him watching TV.
Here's one of him thinking he hears something outside his window.
Check this one out.
- Oh.
- Ah, that's cute.
Okay That was ten.
That was four.
That was six.
I'll give you five.
Ha.
It was only three.
Feel my abs.
- I will not.
- I'll feel yours.
You will not.
You know, you can't get in shape in one day.
It hasn't been just one day.
Yesterday, I went on a juice fast.
You ate a box of popsicles.
With ten percent juice.
I can't believe you're just getting around to sleeping with that man.
This is not like you.
You're a slut.
I know, but I've got a really good defense system.
I haven't shaved in two months.
Yeah.
It's my invention.
It's a hair chastity belt.
That's foul.
So much hair, I had to go up a size in pants.
Anyway, it worked, 'cause Daniel and I establishie a friendship before the sex.
Mm, that's great.
Seems like a lot of pressure you're putting on yourself.
What? What pressure? You know, all that buildup.
You both been thinking about it for so long and when you finally get around to it, it better be great or it's gonna be a giant letdown.
You know pressure.
Okay This is option three.
Is it too much? Is it not enough? Too much talking about it, not enough not talking about it.
Why you so nervous? It's the pressure.
Barb, there is no pressure.
Oh, okay, yes! There is pressure.
All right, I'm worried I may have waited too long and missed my window of opportunity for sex.
What? He's a guy.
The sex window is always open.
Even when the sex window's closed, it's still unlatched.
Even when it's latched, there's always the sex doggy door.
Richard, come on! We've only been dating for two months.
There's not gonna be a sex doggy door.
All right, listen tell me the truth.
Am I good in bed? You're fantastic in bed.
Really? What makes me fantastic? You're in bed, with me.
Okay.
Okay, so I'm good in bed.
I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know? That one time in college I didn't really get what you were doing.
What do you mean? I was just doing what you were doing.
Wait.
You two were doing something? With each other? What were you doing? I know what I was doing.
I don't know what she was doing.
But you were both doing it? It was an open house at the Women's Studies Department that got out of hand.
Okay? It was a lot of Chardonnay, a little petting.
- It only lasted a minute.
- That's right, it only lasted a minute because you went too fast.
I was scared.
Why didn't you tell me this? I could've used the information.
In fact, I'm using it right now.
Someone should enjoy it.
So I'm bad in bed.
Now I'm gonna sleep with Daniel and our whole relationship is gonna go up in smoke, just like my lesbianism.
You guys, I got my cadaver in class tonight and something really disturbing happened.
(gasps): It moved.
Yeah, they take those bodies before they're dead.
That's why I don't sign the back of my driver's license.
Barb, something really disturbing happened to me tonight in my anatomy class.
I think I know my cadaver.
"Mike Adaver"? Is he that guy with the weird arm who works at the pizza place? Richard, the cadaver they gave me might be our old neighbor.
Did you know Barb and Christine got into it in college? Oh, my God-- back to you! Mr.
Prawler-- once alive, now possibly dead-- and assigned to me for dissection.
I pulled back the sheet and I think it was him, but I'm not sure.
You have to come back to class with me and see if you can identify him.
What? No, no, no, no.
I can't.
Tonight's the night I disappoint Daniel in bed.
You're fine in bed.
What? You said I was fantastic in bed.
- I don't know.
- Barb! Oh, no! He's here.
He's here.
Why did I shave? What's the matter with you? I don't know it's just all this pressure.
There's been so much buildup now, I don't think I can go through with it.
Okay, come with me.
- How far? - To the door.
Oh Daniel, hi.
Hi.
You look beautiful.
Oh, you look so beautiful, too.
So, shall we? Uh, no.
Uh, there's a little problem.
Um someone may or may not have died, and we may or may not know him.
Uh, but the popot is do not sign the back your driver's license.
That doesn't make any sense.
Well, you know, death-- it's like senseless.
But, um, so I need to be with Matthew.
I'm-I'm so sorry, but I'm gonna call you later.
Oh, that's too bad.
You look so nice.
Do you do you mind if I take your picture? CHRISTINE: Boy, that was lame.
I can't believe I bailed on the perfect man.
I thought I was doing everything right.
You know what? That's my problem.
- I think too much.
- Yeah, that's your problem.
It's so cold in here.
Uh-huh.
Like a morgue.
Oh, my God.
Matthew, what? They just leave them out on the table? Oh, I'm not sure I can look at one of them.
I'm not good around dead people.
Remember at Grandma's funeral when they made me kiss her on the lips I almost threw up? Well, first of all, that was cousin Billy's wedding and Grandma wasn't dead.
Then why did I throw up? - All right, let's just get this over with.
- Right.
I want you to tell me if this is Mr.
Prawler.
All right.
Don't show me anything below the neck.
Or below the waist.
Actually, show me the whole thing.
I'm kind of curiououou (gasps): Oh, my God.
Oh, that's that's Mr.
Prawler.
- I knew it.
- Wow.
I remember he used to order all those Scout cookies from me, and then when I'd show up with them, he could never find his checkbook.
Well, that's what you get.
Christine, this is somebody we knew.
And now he's dead.
Good luck getting my money now.
I can't dissect somebody I know.
I can't do this.
I hate medical school.
I hate the books, I hate the dead bodie - I don't like sick people.
- Yeah.
I feel like I'm getting a little something.
My God, everyone in this room is a better listener than you.
Oh.
Sorry, sorry.
So what What are you going to do? I don't know.
Not this.
If I don't like it now, it's not going to get any better.
Life's too short.
Don't you think it's important to do something you love? I do, Matthew.
And I love Mr.
Harris.
So I'm going to do him.
And I'm going to drop out of medical school.
- Mine's going to be better than yours.
- No doubt.
I get what you're saying about Christine.
When she's doing it, it's like she's got something to prove and she's sort of pissed off at you.
And her mouth is so tense the whole time.
It was like kissing a chicken.
And there's too much movement.
The whole thing is just a little frantic.
That's it.
That's the word.
Frantic.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - It was him? - Who? - Your neighbor.
- Oh, yeah.
's him.
He's dead.
Sad.
But that's not the news.
I'm quitting medical school.
You're quitting medical school? Are you kidding me? Oh.
No, no, no.
I remember now.
Yeah, Matthew's quitting medical school.
And I am taking my relationship with Daniel to the next level tonight.
Okay.
Well, just remember, easy does it.
That's right.
Stay loose.
Yeah, I'm ready.
Because life is short, okay.
So I'm going to Daniel's right now.
Wish me luck.
Good luck having sex with your boyfriend, sis! Oh.
Matthew, you're going through kind of a big thing.
Do you need me to stay and talk to you more about quitting medical school? Yeah, I kind of would like to talk about it, actually.
Oh.
Go.
Oh, thanks.
You're going to be such a good doctor.
Sorry to bother you, but I just came back to check on Christine.
I, um, brought a sympathy card.
I got it at the gas station.
All they had was something in Spanish with a picture of Jesus.
Christine isn't here.
She said she was going to your place.
Oh.
Well, what happened? I thought someone died.
Yes.
My neighbor.
But I decided not to dissect him.
Yeah, I'm dropping out of medical school, so that's a, a pretty big deal.
Christine never told me you were in medical school.
Oh, I don't think she knew.
So, anyway, now I got to decide what to do with the rest of my life.
Dreading calling my parents.
So how long ago did Christine leave? You guys are perfect for each other.
Thanks.
Uh, oh I think Jesus said it best.
He wasn't there, Matthew.
I can't believe I wasted I miyour razor on that man.
Oh! Deal with it.
You're a doctor.
No, I'm not.
Oh, yeah.
- Are you okay? - Don't.
You know, your bore looking for you.
He was? Where'd he go? What did he say? He went back to his place.
(gasps): You're kidding? Okay.
I'm going back.
And I'm not coming back here until I've had sex.
Ideally it'll be with Daniel, but at this point I'd take Mr.
Prawler.
- You're lovely.
- Yeah.
Christine.
You okay? Mmm.
Oh, yeah, everything's fine.
I'm totally over it.
Let's just focus on us, hmm? Mmm.
Mmm.
You smell like chocolate.
Oh, is that racist? (laughing): No.
- It's cookies.
- Oh.
- But thanks for asking.
Come on in.
- Okay.
I'm glad you're back.
You sure you're okay? Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
It was just a weird day.
You know, I was feeling all this pressure because we waited so long.
But I'm good now.
I'm ready.
- Okay.
- Feel my abs.
Whoa! Whoa.
Whoa, right? Now I'm going to feel yours.
Oh, God.
Yours are better.
You know what? You go in the light.
Wow.
So, here we are.
Big night.
Oh, yeah, let's not let's not think of it like that though, okay.
It's just it's just a night.
No pressure.
Uh-oh, I'm kind of Mm-mm.
- smooshed there.
- Here we go.
Whoa.
Whoa.
That's nice.
Okay.
What-what's happening now? Oh, no, sorry, it's just I cannot believe that you have those cookies.
Those are the exact same cookies I used to sell to my, um mmm, to my neighbor and, uh Well, let's-let's just do this.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Would you like a cookie? No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's just, um, it's just my neighbor, you know, the guy who died, you know, he, um he used to order cookies from me.
And, and, and now he's dead, but, you know, that's-that's okay.
I'm, um, I'm really into this.
Let's just get it on.
You know the words are right, - the tears are throwing me off.
- No, but it's nothing, it really isn't.
It's just that it's been kind of a hard day for me, you know, because there's there's been a lot of pressure, and, um, death.
And, oh should I take off my dress? Please don't.
Christine If you're upset, we don't have to do this tonight.
No, no, no, I want to, I do.
I really don't want to wait too long.
I really don't want to screw this up because I really like you.
I like you so much.
Let's just break up.
Sweetie, slow down.
You're a little frantic.
Listen Listen, I understand about the pressure I feel pressure, too.
If we didn't like each other so much we wouldn't feel this way.
Really? - You feel pressure, too? - Of course.
- I'm crazy for you.
- Oh.
And if tonight's not the night, we'll have another night.
And whenever it happens, it will be great.
Yeah.
You're right.
It will be great.
Yeah, because I'm great.
Barb is slow.
No idea.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine now.
Thank you for being so understanding.
I can wait as long as you can.
I'm ready now.
Mmm.
So, it was good? It was perfect.
It was romantic.
It was sad.
It was sexy.
I got angry at one point.
It was like a whole film festival.
Wow, that's scary.
Why scary? With a first time that good, puts so much pressure on the second time.
But if you're not worried, that's good.
I'm not.
You shouldn't be.