The Ranch (2016) s03e01 Episode Script

What the hell? You can't cancel the pipeline 'cause of some protesters.
[STAMMERS.]
That No, we had a deal.
Unfortunately, they can back out for any reason.
The contract says that.
Well, nobody reads the contracts.
Why do you think I still belong to a 24 Hour Fitness in Orlando? If you're caving to protesters, I'll chain Colt to a tree right now.
Can't you talk to somebody? Believe me.
I tried.
They don't care what I have to say.
They're sending me to another project in North Dakota.
No.
No, we were countin' on this.
We used our operatin' money to buy the Peterson Ranch.
Dad's gonna kill us.
And the news will kill him.
I thought we'd die together fighting them Northside Koreans.
Guys I feel truly awful about this.
I knew it.
I knew we shouldn't have done it.
All All right.
Let's go talk to Peterson.
We'll explain things, and he'll let us out of the deal.
Pass our problem on to someone else.
It's the American way.
I'll grab the keys.
Let's go there before it's too late.
[COLT.]
Fuck! He wanted that Peterson place bad.
[LOUD THUD.]
[COLT.]
Fuck! He hurt his hand punching the wall.
Look, I really am sorry.
I know how awful this is.
Yeah.
It's not your fault.
So, you're off to North Dakota? Yeah, for the next four months I'll be at the Brown Bison Inn and Western Wear.
I can choose between a continental breakfast or a free pair of spurs.
When do you leave? Tomorrow.
- Shit.
- Yeah.
Well, we had a good run.
Yeah, we did.
It was, like, four days, but okay.
You're my second longest relationship.
I'll always wonder what a Thursday with you would be like.
I gotta get going.
I never thought I'd say this about a guy named Rooster but I'll miss you.
- Hey, Jen? - Yeah? You should go for the spurs.
Might come in useful if you're ever back in town.
You know, for sex.
[LAUGHS.]
Bye, Rooster.
- You good? - No.
All right.
Yeah, well, Colt, I just got to Denver, okay? I've got a ton of crap to do.
I gotta unpack, and I just went to the store.
I don't have time to argue with you about the same stuff over and over and over again.
I can't deal with it now.
A lot is going on.
I'll call you back later.
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
[ROOSTER.]
Mr.
Peterson? - Hey.
- [COLT.]
Hey.
Hey, boys.
I got a bag of Big Macs here if you're hungry.
I just wanted to have some real American food before I went to Thailand.
Also I'm really high.
[COLT AND ROOSTER CHUCKLE.]
We're good.
We just wanted to talk to you about buying your ranch.
I'll never sell my ranch.
You can take your Big Macs and get off my property.
Hey, Mr.
Peterson, actually Remember? We already bought it.
Oh That's right.
That brain cancer weed That's the top-shelf stuff.
[COLT CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, here's the thing.
We We feel bad about buying this place for so much less - than Neumann's Hill's offer.
- Oh.
Yeah, that money could do you some good.
You're going to Thailand.
You can You can buy a monkey.
Turn him into your monkey butler.
We don't wanna steal from you.
Leave that to the hot chick that marries you right before you die.
[ROOSTER CHUCKLES.]
P.
S.
, if you meet her in Thailand, check under the hood.
[COLT.]
Oh, yeah.
- Make sure she don't have a third leg.
- [COLT WHISTLES.]
[COLT.]
Point is you should take the Neumann's Hill deal.
That's not happening.
Well, why not? Right after we closed our deal, I sent them an email declining their offer and calling them a bunch of soulless corporate vampire cocksuckers.
[ROOSTER CLICKS TONGUE.]
Okay, well that screws us, but goddamn respect.
Actually, there was a typo, and I called them "cooksuckers.
" Always proofread, boys.
[ROOSTER SIGHS.]
Oh, man.
[COLT.]
Mr.
Peterson I'll level with you.
The pipeline fell through.
We don't have the money to buy this place.
Oh, Christ, I'm sorry.
That's like on Wheel.
When you win a trip to Tahiti, and the next spin is "bankrupt.
" Sajak's sitting in the corner, smiling.
That smug piece of shit.
Our backs are up against the wall here, Mr.
Peterson.
We gotta get out of this deal.
I'd love to help you out, boys, but I already told my son I'd help him buy a house.
And I started a college fund for my grandson.
Although, college may be a reach.
Yeah, they got a paste-eater.
All right, well, that's the final nail in our coffin.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
That reminds me.
I gotta buy a coffin.
Hey! Why don't you two just sell it to Neumann's Hill? Why didn't we think of that? Maybe we was too busy thinking 'bout that monkey butler.
You still got your old boss' number? Rich? I mean, last time I saw him he called me a terrible employee, and I smashed his phone into the wall.
But I never called him a cocksucker.
I'll give him a call.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Good luck, boys.
- Yeah.
By the way, I'll give you 20 bucks for your McDonald's.
- Actually, these are - That's fair.
We'll take it.
You okay over there? You haven't said much, even for you.
Just enjoying the beautiful scenery.
Okay, well, that's fucking weird.
Gotta admit, I'm not a big fan of the Kiwanis Club, but they've done a bang-up job adopting this highway.
How high are you on a scale from one to Willie Nelson? It's not the pills, Joanne.
When I closed my eyes for that operation, I didn't know if I'd ever open them again.
And I feel like I got a second chance.
Maybe the reason for that is to spend it with you.
Waiting for you to get out of surgery was the longest three hours of my life.
Hell, I appreciate you being there for me.
And now that I've got this second chance, I'm done worrying about the little stuff.
That's probably what put me in the hospital in the first place.
That and the only time your mouth wasn't full of steak was when you'd dump whisky in it.
See, that little joke there is a thing that I'm not gonna let bother me.
I guess with this new attitude of yours I guess you're okay with me driving you home in this Chevy? [JOANNE CHUCKLES.]
Ride's so smooth, I can see why Don McLean drove one of these to the levee.
Abby, just 'cause I don't want you moving to Denver don't mean I'm not supportive.
I shouldn't have to apologize for that.
Fine, I'm sorry.
[MOUTHING.]
I'm not sorry.
Well, I'm glad you're sorry, too.
We'll talk about this more when you're done with school and you got a better attitude.
When'd she hang up? Right after I apologized.
[ROOSTER.]
All right, there's Rich.
He's the last shot, so be cool.
How you wanna play this? Good cop, bad cop? How 'bout good cop, shut-the-fuck-up cop? Hey! What's up, Rich? You're lookin' good, man.
Nice jacket.
How do I get one? You don't get fired from Neumann's Hill.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Remember my brother? - Of course.
Good to see you again.
Get outta here with this.
I'm a hugger.
Okay, okay.
Jiminy Christmas, you smell good.
What's that? What is that? Old Spice Bearglove? Ah! Good call.
What you got goin' on? I got a hint of mango shampoo.
- It's mango coconut.
- Mmm.
It's subtle.
That coconut will hit you on the drive home.
In case you guys were wondering, sweat, Budweiser, and KFC.
[COLT.]
Let's sit.
So, what is this business proposition that is "better than a blewjob"? Dude! You didn't proofread.
All right, look, Rich, we know Neumann's Hill wants to buy the Peterson Ranch.
Yeah, until some asshole bought it from underneath us.
Rich, you're looking straight at that asshole.
So you guys bought it? [COLT AND ROOSTER CHUCKLE.]
Why do you wanna sell it the next day? Everyone knows Peterson hates you guys.
He sold it to us super cheap.
We don't have time to run two ranches.
We're, like, investors, you know? Like Mark Cuban or Scrooge McDuck.
Scrooge McDuck? He's got a room full of gold, Rich.
Do you? We ain't looking to gouge you here.
So, why not just offer us what you was offerin' Peterson? Throw in a few of those jackets.
Everyone's happy.
Guys, they wanted it last week.
I don't see why they wouldn't want it now.
- [COLT.]
All right.
- All right, well Talk to 'em, let us know what they say.
And then, if we buy the place, you can come back and run it for us.
That's cool, but I got a good job right now, so Wait.
- You think I'm serious.
- [COLT CHUCKLES.]
- Do you know what is wrong with this guy? - [LAUGHING AND STAMMERING.]
He's He's an idiot.
I don't know what Yeah! We're still friends, right? We got that Bearglove love.
[COLT CHUCKLES.]
- [COLT.]
This is good.
- Yeah.
This is really good.
My head don't just smell good.
It thinks good.
Yeah, your head thinks real good.
Best part, when we tell Dad, he can't get pissed, 'cause we already solved the problem.
[COLT.]
Whoa.
Whoa.
We ain't sayin' nothin' till the deal closes.
We gotta tell him about the pipeline.
He'll see it in the paper.
It's not a report card, where we can turn every letter into a C.
[COLT.]
All right.
We tell him about the pipeline, but nothin' else.
You know, the man just had a heart attack.
Yeah, okay.
We're not lying to him.
- We're looking out for him.
- That's right.
Man we are such good people.
Another beer and a shot, and I'll race you home.
All right.
If you guys ever need it, I'm an Uber driver now.
All right, doctor said no more red meat.
Don't throw those steaks away! I'm not.
I'm taking 'em.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How was the ride home? It was great.
Okay, that's fucking weird.
Yeah, he's a new man.
My granddaughter left some Pop Rocks in the truck and he ate 'em.
They were tingly.
I gotta get back to my shift at the Cracker Barrel.
He's all yours.
Doctor says not to let him get riled up.
Got it.
So no Anderson Cooper.
Bye, guys.
- Bye.
- Bye.
You wanna watch TV? I can put a John Wayne movie on for you.
Or we could just sit and talk.
Wow.
You've turned into the guy I always wanted you to be and I hate it.
You always said I was such an asshole.
Well, you were.
But I liked it.
It got us out of a lot of boring parties.
[IMITATING BEAU.]
"This party sucks.
We're leavin'.
" Yeah, your sister never forgave me for doing that at her wedding.
[COLT.]
There he is! [ROOSTER.]
Hey.
Holy shit.
Are you smilin'? Can't a dad just be happy to see his sons? Yeah, but not our dad.
How are you feelin', Pops? Every day above ground is a good day.
Well, that's just fucking weird.
How were things while I was gone? - Good.
- It's good.
It was great.
[STAMMERS.]
Great It was really great.
- There was one thing.
- A small thing.
- Super small.
- Tiny.
[MAGGIE.]
Oh, shit.
Last time you two had this look on your face, you killed the Norwood High mascot.
I am not burying another goat.
Nobody died.
It's just, um That pipeline fell through.
We ain't getting none of that money.
All right.
That's it? We've done fine without it.
Wasn't meant to be.
Well, that is a great attitude, Dad.
Where was this Beau when they canceled Coach? Anything else I should know about? - [COLT BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Uh - [ROOSTER.]
Uh - Nothing, nothing - [COLT MUMBLES.]
Nothing I can think of.
- I'm racking my brain.
- Colt, you got any We got We got the pipeline.
- [ROOSTER.]
Pipeline fell through.
- It's - [COLT.]
Ranch is good.
- [ROOSTER.]
Ranch looks good.
- Trump said some stupid shit.
- Yeah.
[COLT.]
Nah, that's Everything's good.
I'm happy you're home.
Yeah, actually, there is one more thing.
I love you, Daddy.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, there's that frown.
How'd it go over at Peterson's? I checked the fence.
Cows look good.
Everything looks good.
- Man, that's one nice piece of land.
- Yeah.
Maybe we should look into buying it.
Wait.
You did, and it ruined us.
I'm just giving you shit.
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
I thought Abby and I would raise our family there.
Well, now you don't got a ranch or Abby.
Whoa.
Come on.
We didn't break up.
She just moved to a different city and won't return my calls or texts.
All right.
Gotta be Rich.
I hope he's got good news.
I haven't been so nervous since we got stopped with a goat in our trunk.
- Hey, guys.
- 'Sup, Rich? Bring it in.
We're huggin' in the woods.
All right.
Hey.
Hey, I even got you something.
- "Midnight Mango Coconut" shampoo.
- [LAUGHING.]
They keep it in the girls' section, but that's for anyone.
Anyone with a vagina.
So, Rich, you got some news or what? - They want the ranch.
- Fuck yeah! Whoo! Ha, ha! Hey, look.
I'm a large.
He's an extra-large.
And here is the offer.
Oh, jeez.
I feel like I'm getting an ESPY.
All right.
And the winner is What the hell? I I know it's less than you were hoping for.
This is less than we paid for it.
It's less than we owe on the place.
That's what they're willing to give you.
That's an opening offer, right? Now we counter? How about twice as much as that? So, that would be I won't insult you.
You can do the basic math.
Guys, they know you're in trouble or else you wouldn't be selling.
This is bullshit.
If we accept this, we can't even pay back the bank.
And then they'll come for Iron River, and we'll have nothing.
If you don't accept, they'll wait till you go under and buy it from the bank.
Is this 'cause they don't like me? [CHUCKLES.]
Neumann's Hill barely knows who you are.
Their business is to buy at the lowest price, and they're really, really good at it.
You know what wasn't purchased at the lowest price? This shampoo, you son of a bitch.
I'm sorry.
I wish I had better news.
See you later.
[HAMMERING.]
You should be taking it easy, not moving fridges.
This thing has been buzzing for ten years, and I fixed it.
Then I sat down to read, and it was too quiet.
Now I can't get it to buzz again.
Beau, sit.
They say sitting too much gives you a heart attack.
Then you have one, and they tell you to sit.
It makes no sense.
Did this chair just squeak? - [MAGGIE.]
Hey, boys.
- [ROOSTER.]
Hey, hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
[COLT.]
We need to talk to you.
Okay, let's just cut to the chase.
Fire, bail, or pregnancy? Whatever it is, I'm done sweatin' the small stuff, and it is all small stuff.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
That's a great attitude, Daddy.
I hope you keep that in mind when Colt tells you what he did.
All right.
There's no easy way to say it, so I'll just tell you.
While you were in the hospital, we used your power of attorney to buy the Peterson Ranch.
What? We only did it 'cause we thought the pipeline money was coming.
When it fell through, we tried to back out, but, uh they wouldn't let us.
We tried to sell to Neumann's Hill, but they lowballed us.
How did you even get the down payment? We used this year's operatin' money.
[MAGGIE GASPS.]
- Are you fuckin' kiddin' me? - Jesus Christ.
We only did it because we thought Bullshit! You're incapable of thinkin'.
I worked this ranch my whole life.
I'm gone for two days, and you bring it to its goddamn knees.
I'd have been better off if I'd died on that fucking table.
[COLT.]
Dad Mom, come on.
You gotta understand.
How could you two be so stupid? It may not look like it, but we had a plan.
Your dad gave himself a heart attack, running this place for you.
He could have died while you were going behind his back.
There was a deadline.
We had to make a call.
He made that call.
He said he didn't want to do it.
I can't believe your selfishness.
We'll fix it.
- We'll keep our heads down - Will you shut the fuck up? What? Dad didn't wanna do this.
I didn't wanna do this.
Whoa.
No one held a gun against your head when you signed that contract.
I had to sign because Dad doesn't trust you.
I shouldn't have trusted you either.
Everything you touch turns to shit.
I was just trying to do what's best for the family.
That is bullshit, Colt.
You only care about you.
You wanted Abby.
You didn't care what it would do to Kenny.
You go hook up with Heather.
You don't care what it'll do to Abby.
You wanted the Peterson Ranch.
You just cost us everything.
And you're perfect? You bail on Dad to take a job you get fired from.
You almost get Mom's bar shut down.
You fuck up every relationship you've ever been in.
You know what really would've helped the family? Huh? If you'd never come home.
[SOFT COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]