The Real L Word s03e01 Episode Script

I cannot tell you how different my life is since last year.
It's huge.
I'm still sober.
In a few months, it'll be a year.
I lost a lot of friends, but I'm in a relationship and I'm happy.
I'm pretty in love.
I am.
Hello.
Hi, baby.
I'm driving home.
Me too.
Since last year, I've been traveling a lot, doing appearances, hosting parties, and things have changed.
I'm not living with Alyssa anymore.
I've moved out of the nest.
- Um, all right.
- Okay.
Well, I will, um I'll see you later.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye, babe.
I've fallen in love.
It's crazy.
I can't even wrap my head around it.
Like, it was a unicorn to me.
I was like, "yeah, that sounds nice.
I hear that exists.
" Err But I'm glad it does.
It's been a really long time since I've been in a relationship like this, and this time around, it's different.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Come here, baby.
You're home.
I love you.
The last six months, I've kind of been living this secret life.
I don't know, it's time to just stop.
Sara and I have definitely done the typical lesbian forward motion and we have moved in together.
We apparently just can't get enough of dysfunction.
No, it's really passionate.
It was just the other night I don't want to think about it every time I take a step left right yeah, I think I'm gonna sleep real good tonight just think about it you'll find a way to make me crazy hazy so hypnotized, think of the blue skies new eyes and I'll never roam again and I'm back in love again and I see the stars again find my way back home again your uncertainty is destroying me - Is that it? - Yeah.
Oh, smells great in here.
Let's try playing-crying.
Okay.
Hunter Valentine is an all-girl punk rock band.
And Laura and I started the band eight years ago, but we haven't had, like, a huge make-or-break deal.
We gave up everything to move to New York and try and make it, and we've been busting our asses.
This is - It sounded good.
- It sounds It sounded good as a three-piece.
We're taking a bit of a break from recording our album to go down to South by Southwest and to do sort of a mini run, a little tour, to showcase the new songs and our new lineup.
I feel like something big needs to happen soon, and right now, I feel like we need to figure out if this is the right lineup for the band.
Vero is our bass player, and she's been in the band for about a year, and so far, I love having her in the band.
We recently added my friend Somer on guitar and keyboards, and she's an amazing musician.
I've had a lot of respect for her for a long time.
But she has a fear of commitment when it comes to the band, and with any business you have to have reliable employees, and you can't take the risk of having somebody who's not gonna show up for something that's really important.
S This is pointless, because we don't need to practice these songs.
It's actually Somer that has to practice these songs.
Or we need to practice them - With Somer.
- With her.
Where the fuck is Somer? - What? - Are you gonna miss me on tour? Yes.
Attack! Let's not talk about it.
Chachi, shush.
All right, well, we kinda have to.
My name's Somer.
I'm a musician, a sound engineer, starving artist extraordinaire.
It's gonna take a while, I feel like.
- To get used to this? - Yeah.
Donna and I dated for around four years, and then I proposed, and we got married, uh, just over this past summer, so we're newlyweds.
I need you to know the schedule for the next few days.
Monday, I have eight hours of practice with Hunter Valentine, then I have work on Tuesday.
I have practice before.
I have work on Wednesday, all day, until 7:00.
And then we leave, uh, Saturday.
That's wow.
The hardest part of our relationship has been balancing music and Donna.
My career's taking a good turn by being in this band, but I don't know about the stress on my marriage.
Well, they're mad 'cause I won't take off work to practice.
That's the other thing they're gonna be mad about, that I haven't I probably I just haven't been practicing the way I should.
You have what, three days I'm setting the stage for a very interesting tour.
The tour is supposed to be a trial period for me, to see if I click on stage, if I have a good time playing the music, if we get along.
For the band, make sure that that I'm the person that they want, that they can get along with me.
Um, also in terms of my marriage with Donna, and to see if our relationship can take me being away for weeks, months at a time.
Babe? - Yeah.
- You're really late.
You gotta go.
I know! I know! - Here's the keys.
- Okay.
- Have a good day at work.
- I love you.
- I'll see you later.
- I love you.
Bye.
How much time do we have left for this rehearsal? We don't have much time.
We told her that we needed to practice three days.
She can only come 11/2 days, and now she's late an hour and a half the first rehearsal.
Somer's version of "On Time" is usually an hour to an hour and a half late.
Anybody that's in this band needs to take full ownership over their decision to be in this band.
- Oh.
- Oh, you made it! What's up? Yes.
Don't worry, I got all the equipment myself.
- You're, like, an hour late.
- I'm not! Okay, songs that you've worked on.
Yeah, I got all the old stuff.
I'm fine with that.
It's the new stuff I'm worried about, because I don't feel comfortable with all the new changes.
What's wrong? Is there anything in here that works? I work! Can we just play music? Please? Go for it.
Okay, remember the intro, everybody? - Yup.
- No, wait.
One, two, three, four.
Stick around, stay the night Everybody's out there, and that was good that everyone remembered that it's a fucking "C" chord that it comes back in on.
Okay, does everybody understand what's going on? Yup.
No, but I'm having fun.
You're not supposed to be doing that.
I'm sorry.
All right, I'll try to have less fun.
Check, check.
So, one more time.
Kiyomi is very driven and very passionate about what she does.
She's going balls to the wall with this stuff.
Kiyomi and I have been friends for a while, and being in a band with her, I see a whole different side of her personality, and I think it's probably been the hardest thing, um, on our friendship is trying to figure out how we negotiate our personalities.
As we broke down Stop.
This is where I'm talking about.
That's where I'm talking about.
I think we need to do this song, - like, ten times.
- Yeah.
It's, like, a fucking disaster.
Hey, isn't this fun, to learn the songs right before we go? No? What? It's so fun.
I need a Xanax.
We are two days away from tour.
I don't feel ready at all, and I don't feel like we're there yet.
We haven't had enough time.
What? There's just too much to do.
Oh, my God.
- We're back in our room.
- Lord almighty.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- How are you? - Well, we are awesome now that you're here and you're gonna - Today's the day.
- It's the day! Yay! Lights are off.
Okay, let's take a look.
- Look who's there.
- Yeah, I can see fine.
There's the baby right there.
Aww.
- Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose it in a second.
- I know.
After a few rounds of unsuccessful inseminations, everything that we've been doing this past year has finally worked.
Little mamacita.
- Yeah, I mean - That's the best part.
- We're gonna have a baby.
- Do you see this? Do you see the happiness here? That's the best part.
Oh.
It's the hormones.
That's the head and face there, and that's the body, and there's the heartbeat.
The day that we found out Cori got pregnant, I was asleep, and this very excited person hopped on top of me with a thing that they just peed on and waving it in my face, going, "we're pregnant! We're pregnant! Oh, my God!" No, it wasn't like that.
I remember being completely in shock and in disbelief.
I'm still kind of in disbelief.
I know, and you're four months pregnant.
I know.
What do you guys think? - I think it's a girl.
- I think you're right.
Oh, my God.
- Is that what you guys wanted? - Yeah.
Well, we have a girl name.
And girl clothes are super cute.
She looks good.
She looks good.
Oh, my God.
Our little family is starting.
It's right there.
Oh, jeez.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Oh, my God.
- We have a daughter.
I never cry.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Would you like a bite? - What is that? Something delicious.
Thanks.
Sara and I have come a long way.
I did not trust Sara before.
There was lots of reasons for me not to at times.
- Are you still seeing her? - No.
You lied! You are such a fucking liar! Are you serious right now, Sara? She was like, "fuck Sara and her fake tits", and I can't stand that bitch," and then she sleeps with her.
What am I mad about, Sara? Really? But, you know what, I love her.
Fact.
So now we're faithful, we're in love, and it was a leap of faith for me, and I don't regret it.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- To being home.
- To being home.
Being with Whitney is so much better now that we're putting our efforts into making our relationship work.
It's something I want to put my time into, because before, I was very closed off and afraid.
And I'm still afraid, obviously.
It's not an easy thing to love someone with your whole heart.
All right, baby, thank you for dinner.
You're welcome.
I don't want to disrupt your sriracha application.
Cheers.
Since Sara and I got really solid, Romi and I are not friends right now.
Romi and I were really close.
Like, I truly, genuinely cared for her, but I knew she hated that Whitney wanted to be with me, that she didn't want to be with her.
Like, she couldn't handle that.
And I don't trust her, obviously.
I hate to think that you even ever had another girlfriend.
You never did.
I was the only one.
- I am the only one.
- It's true.
I was a virgin before you.
I think we've come so far because we've allowed ourselves to fall in love.
Come lay in bed with me.
Come on.
Come on.
The two of us were like, "you know what? We could be together if we would just let our walls down," - and that's what we did.
- Yeah.
I'm taking one of these.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
I want to take a picture with you.
I am a jewelry designer.
I have my own company.
And I just moved back to Southern California from New York City ten months ago.
This is Lauren, by the way.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
- Lauren! - Hi.
- So nice to meet you.
My high-end jewelry starts from about $500 and can go up anywhere to $30,000, $50,000, whatever the customer wants.
Hope it fits.
Yes.
- Does it fit perfect? - Yeah, no, I love it.
- Okay.
- And it's so different.
People are gonna compliment you so much.
- Hi.
- Hey.
What's up? - Good to see you.
- Good to see you too.
- Congratulations on this.
- Hi.
- Thank you.
Lauren.
- Nice to meet you.
I actually met Lauren a couple months back when she was dating Kelsey, who is Romi's ex.
I'm not sure if you'd call it dating.
I think that they were having brief rendezvous.
She definitely seems like a wild one.
- I'll walk in with you guys.
- All right.
I hardly know Romi at all, and yet there's some crazy rivalry.
I don't understand it.
Maybe she's uncomfortable because Kelsey and I sort of liked each other for a minute.
L.
A.
can be so petty, so juvenile, so high school.
And that's why I'm so excited for my friend Amanda from New York to move out here.
We're gonna be friends living together, and of course we're gonna end up hooking up.
We're friends with benefits.
- Yeah, okay.
- All right.
Where's my rap? Where's my rap? We don't give a fuck, everybody's got some luck it's Amanda in the house she's randing all around she got that run, run, baby like a stun, stun gun she got the sick apartment on the one-ton gun got that, oh, the view of the whole cit-ay shit is getting shitt-ay bit she's sucking titt-ays everybody's a-daze holidays in L.
A.
but she blazin' okay 'cause she's got that Rick-a-Rick-ring - That's the end.
- Yeah.
These are the things that are gonna make me miss New York the most.
I'm definitely a New Yorker at heart.
So I'm terrified and excited all at the same time to move to L.
A.
With my best friend in the whole world.
Basically, Lauren has a house that she had two roommates in and then was just like, "my best friend is moving out here.
Like, I love you guys, but, like, get out because Amanda will be here in two weeks.
" Lauren and I have always talked about living together and just, like, growing our lives together, and it was just really important, I think, for us to just do it while we're young, and, you know, we can afford it, and we can just explore and do what we want.
I am so excited, just for, like, a new, like, chapter.
But I'm terrified.
Lauren and I, have, "A", never been single together.
We've never been single in the same city, and we've never experienced - And then going to, like - Yeah, and then going to a new city and a city that she's only known for, like, a year.
We lived in New York for years together, and, you know, we were both dating significant others.
And now all the sudden I'm moving 3,000 miles away from everybody that I know and love.
There's always been a sexual tension between Lauren and I since, like, the minute we met, which is why it makes everybody that loves us and dates us so uncomfortable.
So I'm sure that, you know, it's not gonna go away.
It's just a matter of how we deal with it.
All right.
I need another drink.
Yeah, it's getting a little crowded.
Let's go to the bar.
Hi.
I got a lot of stuff.
Oh, my God.
I got your blanket.
- It smells like dog.
- How you doing? It smells like dog? - The dogs - Hello, sexy.
Ali and I have been dating for a while.
And, you know, like, I don't want to be in a relationship.
I've never wanted to be in a relationship.
The first time we hooked up, it was supposed to be a one-night stand.
Is that a musical? Uhhuh.
- You're such a dork.
- I know.
I need a drink.
Well, you're in luck.
I just came back from Toronto, where we were recording our album, and I have, like, a few days before we start this tour, so I've decided to stay at Ali's, and I have no idea how it's gonna go, 'cause I haven't seen her in, like, three weeks.
We're not in a committed relationship.
We're supposed to just be casual, but we talk to each other every day.
And I just I don't know where this is going.
I can't believe you're here.
Me neither.
How are we gonna live together? Kissing you, it's just so different from all the other girls that I've been kissing.
Fuck you.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Kiyomi and I met through a mutual friend at a bar one night.
And there was an instant attraction.
We were flirting kind of all night, and then I don't know why we love bathrooms so much, but we ended up making out in the bathroom, and then I woke up with her in my bed.
Our relationship is classified by her as non-monogamous.
I'd rather have that than not have her at all.
Hello.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hi.
It's freezing.
Hi.
Oh, my God, look at your hair.
Everyone's hair is different.
So Rachel and Jaq live with Alyssa.
The house of Whitney's exes.
Right now, none of my friends know that I'm with Jay.
I haven't wanted to just put it out there until I knew it was something.
Have you seen Whitney lately? I haven't seen much of her, just because she's been traveling and doing her thing.
I thought you and Sara, though, were, like, fine now.
Like, you guys are fine, right? You and Whit? I'm cool with everybody, because I want to be cool with Whit, you know.
- Yeah.
- Like, I don't want to make waves.
It's irritating.
You know, I'm just like, look, let's just be the bigger person.
I don't know what to say about Whitney and Sara, except Sara is, like, scabies, you know.
You can never really get rid of her.
You need a cream or something.
Like, my whole friendship with Whit is, like is gone.
It's not we don't have a friendship, and that breaks my heart.
I hope you guys can squash it, though, and, like, find a way to be able to be friends.
It's Sara.
Sara has corrupted her mind that I'm some sort of evil human being.
I'm still not comprehending why Sara thinks I'm so bad.
Romi and Sara used to be great friends.
Romi had feelings for Whitney, and Sara has feelings for Whitney, and Sara feels uncomfortable with Romi and Whitney having any kind of friendship, just the not knowing if something could still be there or if something might happen.
So what else has been going on in your life? I'm dating someone.
- Wait, what? - Who are you dating? I've been dating somebody for over, like, six, seven months.
- Who are you dating? - Wait.
You're dating your ex, though.
Mm-hmm.
- You're dating her again? - Uh-uh.
Who are you dating? I've been dating my ex-boyfriend Jay.
I've been keeping it a secret for months, and I'm going to stop hiding it.
- I'm judging you right now.
- Yeah.
I'm just kidding.
A lot of times in the lesbian community, you could be excommunicated real fast if you decide to switch-hit every now and again.
But I'm not that guy.
As long as someone's happy and they're making decisions that are gonna enrich their lives, then I'm happy for them.
I just want to, like, nicely let him be a part of my life.
Right.
- A huge secret.
- It's a lot.
Am I not allowed to talk about my sex life? 'Cause I used to talk about it all the time.
- I'm cool with it.
- Work it out.
I've never been very shy about it.
These days, I give a good blow job.
- Ew! - I'm sure he's focused on - That was just too much.
- Too much? Okay.
That is not good.
I'm sure we've all sucked on a strap-on before.
- We know how it goes.
- Yeah, we all know how it is.
- No.
- You've never done that? - No.
- Never.
Well, I got tired of that strap-on not working.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Seriously, I want to know.
What's your guess? Are you about to catch a football? Wait.
Time-out.
This is me and Cori when we were little.
Aww.
It's gonna be a little one of those.
You're having a girl! Oh, my God.
Like, I know that a lot of people are like, "eh, gay parenting, whatever," but there's so many people who are so excited about this.
It's just everything is right.
So, in this belly, is Charlie Monroe Boccumini.
Really? I love it.
Come on, Charlie.
It's time to go to bed.
- "Okay, mommy.
" - Yeah.
Okay.
Ha.
Oh, my gosh.
It's happened again.
Remember? - This one's ready to go to bed right now.
- Yeah.
- Sneaky.
- You guys go snuggle.
The worst part of being pregnant has definitely been the morning sickness, the tiredness, the crazy, psycho mood swings.
I have bite marks, literally, on my face from being having it being bit off.
It's it's a lot.
Look, see? Six months ago, that would have rolled right off her back.
It might have even gotten a laugh.
Now it gets a look.
But you take really good care - of me pregnant.
- I do.
- The lotion on the belly? - Aww, you love that.
Oh, Kacy's favorite part of the day.
- It's true.
- She rubs me down.
But I think all that's behind us now.
Second trimester is smooth sailing.
I think so.
My sister Stephanie gave me a present for you guys.
- You ready? - Yes.
Close your eyes, both of you.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - Really? Yeah.
Okay.
I got it.
Mommy, mama, and me.
Oh, my gosh.
It's our first book.
- And it's a lesbian book.
- And it's a lesbian mommy book.
"Up, up, up.
Mommy picks me up.
Mama pours juice in my cup.
" Ohh.
"Now I'm tucked in nice and tight.
Mommy and mama kiss me good night.
" - Yay! - Like, we are gonna read this to Charlie.
Like, it's just I don't know.
Today is the day of sinking in.
This is frickin' awesome.
Wait, look.
This is us.
She's - Fine.
- She's wearing the earring.
Hello.
- Hello.
- What's going on? So, Romi was just here.
- Yeah? - Yeah, we caught up for a little bit.
She was telling me what was going on in her, you know, life.
And she seemed like she had something to say but was really hesitant about, you know, what she wanted to say, and finally she just blurted it out.
Her news was that she is dating a guy again.
I mean, duh.
You knew? I mean, no, but I know that I have had a feeling she's been hooking up with dudes the entire time.
She's not exclusive to the ladies.
I've known that for sure.
She's, I guess, got back together with Jay.
I mean, when I met Romi, she was she was with him when I met her.
She was afraid to say anything because she didn't want all of us to sort of cast her out.
Why would anyone cast her out for that reason? There's so many more to choose from.
Romi and I, we don't have a relationship.
Her personality has shifted into someone that I'm not a fan of.
Ego has gotten the best of her personality.
I try to keep my distance.
I love Romi, but she tends to bounce from person to person really fast with not a lot of time in between, and, you know, we were wondering if this was just another Romi fling.
Romi Flinger.
I always kind of knew that she wanted to tell us, and, you know We'll have you over next week for dinner.
Sounds good.
Love you.
Bye.
Bye.
Well, basically, Romi came over tonight to Alyssa's and told her that she has been nervous to say this and not many people know this because she's nervous about people's reactions, but she's started dating Jay again.
I am not surprised.
I know.
That's what I said.
Romi will do anything that gives her attention.
That's what Romi does.
Whether or not Romi wants to be with women or she wants to be with men, whatever keeps people talking about her, looking at her, that's what she's gonna do.
I mean, what is there to say? Nothing.
Hey! Let's make a toast to tomorrow, the very first show that we're ever gonna get to play together.
Hey.
Cheers to the first show.
- Tomorrow.
- Yeah! Get ready.
- To the first show tomorrow.
- Are you excited? We're rock solid now.
What about you? Are you jealous of our rehearsal time? - I'm a little jealous - Maybe you should come.
Maybe you should come next time.
Maybe I will.
My relationship with kiyomi has been the most tumultuous out of all the people in the band.
We butt heads for a couple different reasons.
I'm used to being the leader of a band.
My other band's clinical trials.
It's just me and a drummer.
And I'm not the leader of this band.
I'm not really even sure where I fit in yet.
Are you gonna throw some glasses tonight? I was thinking about it.
I don't want to throw a nice glass.
I'd rather throw a bottle.
We're both a bit bratty, and we're both alphas.
So and she also is a bit of a control freak.
Wait, why am I in your band again? You're gonna do good.
Are you worried about it? Seriously? Worried about what? Are you worried about doing this tour, really? I'm serious.
No, I'm listen.
There's a lot of things.
What are you worried about? What things No, I'm not worried about us musically.
Okay, so I don't care about I don't really give a shit about your emotional problems right now.
I'm just saying, like, there's a lot of factors that we're dealing with, okay? We're dealing with a new band, we're dealing with new songs, we're dealing with, like, me giving up something else that I've been working on for a long time, and we're giving up, like you know, Donna and I are a new we're like a newly-married couple.
I know.
We'll figure it out together.
And if we can't figure it out together, then I understand that you have to move on and you know, do your own thing.
So Somer's voicing some of her concerns, and I'm like, "you committed to this tour a month ago, and we're leaving in a matter of days, so get your shit together, pack your bag, and let's go.
" Let's just try for these ten days to, like, make the best of what we can and make people believe that this is the best that we can do.
- You know what I mean? - All right.
And if you like it, and you come back and you like it, and if we come back and we don't hate your guts What are the chances of that? - Like, 2%? - Then let's do this.
Let's go.
I can't leave until you fucking leave, - so let's fucking go.
- All right, go, go, go.
Get a cab by yourself, cheapo.
All right, I'm out of here.
- Look what I did.
- I know, baby.
What's going on? Don't be like that.
Don't be like that.
If you want to have sex with other people, you can have sex with other people.
Gross.
I mean, you can do whatever you want to do.
I know I can.
So can you.
Yeah, it doesn't mean that it's not gonna make me sick if you're talking about it.
Yeah, but you can too, - and that's your rule.
- Yeah.
- It is my rule.
- I'd like to say that Kiyomi's middle name should have been "drama.
" I always think it's funny when she says, "oh, my God, that girl is so dramatic for me.
" I'm kind of like, "I think it might be you.
Just a little bit, you know?" I started this conversation by saying that I wanted to have sex with you.
I want to have sex with you too.
All right, but you turned it into something else that you Let's go home and have sex then.
What's gonna happen is what's gonna happen, and I don't know what to fucking say about it.
I want to have sex with you now, - and that's all I care about.
- Okay.
Let's go.
Let's leave in ten minutes.
- Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye.
Oh, my God.
That little I found out that Romi's back with Jay.
I'm more hurt at this point, because it takes away from anything that she said to me about wanting to marry me or wanting a life with me, and just so easily to be with a man.
It just kind of repulses me.
What made you guys want to move in together? I have felt like, in other relationships, I always had the upper hand, and in this one, it was like a tug of war, you know, like, who's the strongest, - who's the strongest.
- Yeah.
And so I knew that there would have to be, like, someone letting go of their, like, you know, the power in that, and that's scary, you know.
Who wants to be vulnerable like that? Yeah, you guys have just been through so much.
It was just like finally like, "all right, dude", here's the towel.
" I threw in the towel.
I'm like, "okay.
" And now I'm, like, stuck in the vagina.
Now I'm like, "I see nothing else except for Whitney's vagina.
" You guys never see anything but each other's vagina.
So you guys have moved in, everything's good.
- Uh-huh.
- What is next? Babies? - Whitney's gonna be 30.
- Mm-hmm.
My career isn't exactly where I want it to be.
When it gets there, then, yes, but - you know.
- Marriage before babies? Hmm.
Well Come on.
I want to be a bridesmaid.
I'd love to.
She's just, like, more hesitant, you know.
I think it stems from her parents divorced when she was young, and I think she went through a lot at that time, you know.
You know, I just think that, for her, it's not something that she's, like, looked forward to in her life ever.
I'm definitely ready to take a step further with Whitney and, you know, would love to marry her.
I just think that for Whitney it is something that could make her a little uncomfortable, because I just don't think that her past experience with marriage has been correlated to a positive experience.
It's good that you guys are, like, really getting time to just be, like, one.
You know? It's really good.
Hey.
Hey, baby.
Hi, baby.
Oh, my God, I missed you.
Oh, my God, I love you.
Oh, my baby.
Hello.
Hello.
Um, let's talk about how much you miss me.
When are you moving back in again? You're gonna have to build me an extension for the back.
An extension for all of Sara's shoes? - No, seriously.
- Or clothes? Or g-strings? Those take up a very small amount of room.
And you would live with Sara? We all make concessions for our best friends.
When Whitney first moved in with Sara, it was almost to me like she was trying to prove something, like, "I can do this.
I can, you know", "have a real relationship with somebody.
Even if it's somebody that you don't like and you don't approve of.
" And I was sort of waiting to see how long it would last, honestly.
We're really, like, an adult relationship.
What does that even mean? An adult relationship? No, like, it's probably the first time - Who are you? - I'm saying.
I don't know.
What did you do with the real Whitney? No, it's called growing up, I think, and it's kind of, like, been nice.
And it's good.
Like, we've definitely made tremendous leaps and bounds.
Well, I imagine you had to to make it work.
Whatever.
It's good.
No, if you're happy, I'm happy for you.
Being that I've taken leaps and bounds Mm-hmm.
So I am gonna propose to Sara.
Ohh.
Okay.
You're my best friend.
So I support whatever decision that you're making, even if I think it's insane.
Do you think it's insane? You've only been together, - like, in a solid relationship for a year.
- Yeah.
It's a huge decision to make, and your relationship has been incredibly tumultuous.
- Yeah, but - But that being said, if this is what you truly feel is the right decision, then I stand by you.
Gay marriage is not legal in California.
Will it prevent me from getting married regardless? No.
Marriage means a commitment to me.
Like, I want to have kids, and, you know, I know that it's really important to Sara to get married before that happens.
And she's the person that I want to raise a family with.
It's just a huge decision to make, and I wouldn't rush into anything.
- Hi, tender.
- Don't knock.
- Make yourself at home.
- Hi, tender.
Hi.
How are you? - Are you ready? - Are you ready? Yeah, do I look like a monkey? Look at me.
Look at my face.
Yes, you look like a monkey.
Are you gonna be a good banana? Except for this right here.
What's that? How are you? Good.
You can't kiss my face.
I know.
Tonight, Jay and I are going to a costume party for the gay and lesbian center.
This is the first time that he's coming out in public with me.
It's nerve-racking.
Are you ready to walk the red carpet with me? I mean, do I have any choice? - No.
- So, yeah.
In the gay community, lesbians can be really harsh towards, like, women who sleep with men again.
It's like, "what is she doing?" "Like, is she a real lesbian? Is she not a " What's a real lesbian? Okay, so all the years that I was eating pussy and, like, being with my girlfriends and madly in love and wanting to get married to them, I wasn't a lesbian? Okay.
I wonder if there's gonna be any Romis there tonight.
Someone tweeted me that they had pink highlights and lollipops.
So many Romis.
What am I gonna do with myself? Control yourself.
I met Jay a little over three years ago.
He saw me walking, thought I looked like his girlfriend at the time, said, "you look just like her.
" I have to take a picture.
" We do look alike.
And he'd always say, "you're the nicer version.
"Like, Carla's a little bit more cold and bitchy, and you're the tender version," which is why I got the name tender-Romi.
I got shit all over my face.
Who's the man that did that to you? I don't know.
I thought I was the only person that could shit on your face.
I hate you.
Jay is hysterical.
He cracks me up.
I can't.
I am pissed.
I don't know.
He's a boy.
He's simple.
There's just so much between two women, and sometimes it's nice to have someone just fun and simple to enjoy your life with.
Babe, you can see my tits in this outfit.
We're gonna look ridiculous.
If you know Romi, she's kind of schizo.
So she runs around, and the fact that she's been with women doesn't bother me.
It's like, should it bother her that I've been with other women? You know, like, it's the same thing.
It just so happens she dated women.
Yay for me.
So what are you gonna say, you know? I'm a guy, and that's how we think.
Oh, my God, Jay.
I like your matching shoes.
I know, right? Why do you look so ridiculous, and why do I want to fuck you? 'Cause you always do.
I got a problem.
We got to work on it.
You have a sex problem.
That's why I like you.
I told you that from the day I met you.
We're going to the ob/gyn.
No, we're not going to the ob/gyn.
We're going to the LGBT.
I can't! Let's go, you little monkey.
Ob/gyn party! Hey, hey, yeah.
Check, one, two.
One, two.
Tonight is the first show of the tour.
We're playing our hometown show in New York at the bowery electric.
Can I get a little bit of Kiyomi's guitar in my monitor, please? Ahh, the fucking adrenaline when you're about to play a show, especially in New York, it's ridiculous.
Check, check, check, check.
One, two.
One, two.
Hey, yeah, one, two.
If my wife can hear me, can she get me a scotch? Thanks.
The thing that makes me feel the sexiest is being on stage.
I mean, being on stage fulfills so many things.
That sounds nice.
- You guys ready? - What's going on, New York? You guys ready? Yeah! This song goes out to all the stubborn bitches out there.
That's rude.
That's rude.
That's rude.
'Cause she's talking to me too.
You're the one that wrote this song.
Cheers.
Here's to you, New York.
Thank you for coming.
The song that I wrote about Ali and I is called this bull rides tonight.
And basically it's about two people who are so stubborn that they can't figure out a way to be together or get along.
dot your is, cross your ts and send your letter off to me 'cause it's getting colder and we're getting older if you keep trying to leave so build up that guard against me you're tougher than nails and won't see that I've been a good kid patient and honest and I'm just trying to breathe I can't take the way you take away from me it's three steps forward ten steps back to me this bull rides tonight it comes around weighing the pros you're debating the things that you know I wasn't your best friend but don't you regret this don't leave me high when I go We can both be equally as stubborn, and that's the way that it always is.
Like, when I'm giving so much, she's not, and vice versa.
And it's fucking exhausting sometimes.
You should just run we're holding our ground till we're done some dark, sick obsession it last killed our lessons why can't I just give up? why can't I just give up? We're both tauruses.
We're both, like, stubborn assholes.
But it works.
Seeing her on stage makes me want to fucking rip her clothes off.
Like, hardcore.
He'll never own me I stay the same me this bull rides tonight I'm not naked.
I have a leotard on.
There's this little thing called nipple showing.
- It's fine.
- Eh.
It is.
They're gonna like it.
What if I was going around with my wiener hanging out? Would you like that? No.
I'm nervous.
You're not a giant banana.
No, but I have a giant banana with me.
Therefore I get it now.
I'm nervous.
I never came out.
I mean, I was raised by two moms, so it was, like, the gayest home.
So when I was like, "hey, I'm gay," they were like, "okay, yawn.
" I like a guy, and now I get what it's like for people to feel kind of, like, nervous to tell people, because all my friends are lesbians, all my work are lesbians, I'm on the L word.
Come here.
I feel like I'm coming out.
I'm just praying that people get it and that they're supportive.
And if they don't get it, just that they're kind with their words.
- I do eat the banana.
- You're gonna have to explain this to our kids some day, just so you know.
- Yes, honey.
- "This one time, mommy was a lesbian.
" No monkey business.
They're nice, right? Somer? Where's my wife? I don't know, but these are some really good supporters of Hunter Valentine.
They want to meet you.
- This is Somer.
- Hey, how's it going? You did such a good job.
This is your pay for tonight.
- Your little fender.
- Sorry, I don't drink.
She gave us a like, a keyboard piano.
Like oh, cool.
You know, like, been to every show and really nice.
Oh, that's fantastic.
Oh, you found your wife.
My wife! I've been looking for you for so long.
All right.
Hey, babe, what's up? I'm definitely put on the back-burner sometimes.
And that's really hard.
And I get emotional, and I get needy and sad.
And when I'm drunk, I, you know, really want to push her buttons.
You couldn't even, like, acknowledge my presence.
When I came out and I saw you and you were over and you didn't even say hi.
- And I was talking - You didn't even say hi.
I was talking to my friends, Ali.
I was talking to my friends And I respect that.
But you couldn't even say you couldn't even, like, acknowledge my presence.
I did acknowledge your presence.
No, you didn't.
You didn't even say hello to me.
I can't even do it.
I don't even know where my hellos are going, like my own mother knows that.
I think that's a sad excuse.
It's not an excuse.
Ooh, it's so cold.
So you want to go back inside with me then? I think that Ali is 100% acting out because I'm leaving on tour tomorrow.
She every time that I go away, she gets this kind of attitude, and it always ends up in a fight.
And then we can go home and have sex, please? Every time that we get in a fight, I try and look at, like I try and be like, "am I being a complete asshole?" Yes.
You just, like, snubbed me.
You were, like, hurtful.
I didn't fucking snub you, Ali.
- Yeah, you did.
- No, I didn't.
- Grow up.
- No, I didn't.
Grow up? I did not snub you.
You didn't even ugh.
My relationship with Ali is becoming quite toxic.
It's gotten into a cycle where we fight, and then we make up, and then we have make-up sex, and then we fight, and then we make up, and have make-up sex.
So I'm starting to think that she just likes to fight because of the making up.
Baby.
I loved it.
I thought you were so awesome.
Shut up.
Yeah.
Good.
Get to it.
- You look good.
- Ahh, sexy.
I'm looking for an engagement ring.
These are all platinum, except for one that's yellow.
They're all from the '20s, '30s.
Some are earlier.
They all have a history.
They've been around.
So just take a look.
You know, a lot of people in my life have had reservations or concerns about me being with Sara.
And people can be cruel.
Honestly, people can be really harsh.
But I can't care what people think.
I have to go with my heart and what I feel.
And Sara's what I feel, for sure.
My girlfriend, she thinks that, like, basically, I'm, like, terrified of the thought of marriage.
Which I'm not saying I'm not.
No, I'm not.
But I feel, like, comfortable and confident now that she's the person I want to be with.
- Beautiful.
- And so she's gonna be totally blindsided by this, so - Yay.
- I might stand behind her when it happens.
Yeah.
To catch.
- Just in case, right? - 'Cause you never know.
- Yes.
- Anything that's hitting you at all? - I mean It is definitely bigger, though.
I know, but it's like I just like the fact that it's called chocolate.
I just have such a hard time making decisions - when it comes to this.
- You do? Shut up.
It's hot in here.
In the past, I haven't been the commitment type.
But I will never look back and, you know, think, "I wish I hooked up more," or "I wish that I played the field," or, you know, "I committed too early," or anything like that, because I did it all, and then I found the person that I love and I'm supposed to be with, and we went through hard times already, and I don't see this as settling down.
I see this as beginning a new, exciting, equally-as-fun chapter.
All right.
So what do you think, Whitney? So, I think I'm gonna go with this one.
Oh, my.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Yay.
Congrats.
Yay.
- Thanks.
- She's gonna love it.
Yes.