The Royals (2015) s03e01 Episode Script

1 Previously on "The Royals" How did Robert die? All they'll tell us is that it was a military accident.
My sister's death destroyed my family and they deserve to be punished! We came here to rob you.
I need you to leave and not come back.
Okay.
- You said I can trust you! - Stop! Stop, Liam! I know who killed your father! Get me close enough and I'll kill him myself.
These children are illegitimate.
Tell us it isn't true.
- What do you do? - (RACHEL) I'm a dominatrix.
(Crying) Has he finally stopped crying? You take away my future, I take away yours.
Enjoy cancer.
My son is the rightful heir to the throne and Simon's DNA will prove it.
Get me those bones.
I know in my heart this monarchy can be relevant, inspiring and visionary, I truly do.
Rest assured things are about to get a whole lot worse.
(Hammering) It is your time to go down And I hope you have found all the things that you need They call me death, as in die Honey, that ain't no lie Got to harvest the greed Cyrus, you hideous little snake, open the door! Cyrus! Welcome to McDonald's.
May I take your order, please? You have to be kidding me.
- Open the damn door.
- I thought I smelled you.
The Queen's personal bouquet of spite and vagina.
Where the hell is the King? You're looking at him, baby.
Simon.
He's not in his tomb.
- Where is he? - Didn't he leave a note? You won't find a body, because there isn't one.
I burned him up and sprinkled him over the English Channel.
No Simon.
No DNA.
No paternity.
We don't need Simon's DNA.
We can use his brother's.
You can't stay in there forever.
Catch me if you can, Queenie.
(Cheering and applause) And we're back.
Wow! The last time there was a buzz in the building like this was Well, never.
- (Laughter) - You know them.
You love them.
And you send them your taxes! Please welcome HRHs Prince Liam and Princess Eleanor! (Cheering) (Applause) (MAN IN AUDIENCE) Whoa! (Whistling) We gonna be on the radar They love you or they want to sleep with you.
Well, there's nothing wrong with that.
(Laughter) Between the two of you, is there anyone in the audience today that you haven't slept with? (Laughter) No.
No, I remember him.
- So do I, actually.
- (More laughter) Speaking of people you're shagging, who is in rotation of Princess Eleanor, at the moment? Anyone we'd know? Well, there might be a pretty young thing or two.
(AUDIENCE) Ooh! Long live King Liam! (Cheering) Would you listen to that? Girls, can you just stand up? - (Whistling) - (GIRL) Whoo! Hashtag King Liam seems to be everywhere.
- You are aware of that? - I am.
It's very kind and very humbling.
Well, they love you.
They sound like a room full of schoolgirls.
- (RACHEL) Ahem.
- This place is weird.
It's also severely understaffed, which means I don't have time to go home before my evening appointments and you have to see me like this.
You've been a good soldier, Rachel.
I know we need to replace Lucius and hire a new Lord Chamberlain.
Will you find us someone? Interview a few candidates? I already have.
Mm.
Well, at least someone is feeding their desires.
I can't remember the last time I went this long without having sex.
Maybe I could arrange a little service call for Your Majesty.
You could do that? Discreetly? Consider it done.
You'll like him.
Trust me.
Uh Rachel, no shower before your appointments? Oh, they pay extra if I don't.
It's been two weeks since that awful day at the King's Cup.
By all accounts, it seems as though you wanted to show that video.
But, considering what happened next, why don't you let the court decide the man's fate? That's a fair question.
Not an easy question to answer.
Uh But In that moment (ELEANOR) The people decided.
And justice was served.
I'm playing on my own, I survived (ELEANOR) Well, I thought that went quite well.
What did you think, Jasper? I particularly enjoyed the part where you called me "a pretty young thing".
- It's too soon for that.
- I gave it a shot.
Liam, that question was unfair.
He ambushed you.
It doesn't matter.
I should have been prepared.
Robert would have been.
I'm alive I'm alive I'm alive So, how was your day, children? Is this a bad time to talk or should I text you? - It's fine.
- Texting is good.
So, talk to me.
How are you? Fine.
Busy.
I have a Shakespeare birthday gala, a thing for the London Symphony and two separate benefits.
One for flood victims and one for victims of a drought.
Can't they just give the extra water from one to the other? I also had a press junket for the redesigned High Commission of Spain.
I um I cleaned my room a few um weeks ago.
Liam, good.
Eleanor, not good.
I've set a series of meetings for you with merchandisers and manufacturers.
We've already put the royal warrant on half the products on the planet.
But this will be the Eleanor warrant.
You could endorse condoms or a personal lubricant, perhaps a firearm.
I'm kidding.
Endorse something you enjoy, other than those things.
Like tea or chocolate.
Yeah, but why now? Because, two weeks ago, we engineered a public execution.
We need to adjust the message about this family and God help us, you two are the best we've got.
Oh.
Thanks? Your Majesty, the pig has left the pen.
What pig? Cyrus.
He's out of his room.
Oh.
This place is weird.
Oi! Oh, he's using his damn double.
Hey.
- Are you sure you're okay? - Yeah.
Why? Well, for one, you haven't slowed down for a minute since the King's Cup and, two, I can still see that bruise on your chin.
The one that you're hiding.
Whatever you're doing, I'm here, you know.
Don't freeze me out, you dork.
I'm holding you responsible.
- For what? - Whatever he's up to.
- You're killing me.
- I'm going out tonight.
Liam, I am barely in her good graces right now.
I get that, but I need this.
Besides, you've had two weeks to fix it with her.
I would have, but I've been with you for two weeks straight, non-stop.
Liam, I am close to getting her back.
Don't screw this up for me.
- Please.
- You'll be fine.
Just try not to sleep with my mum.
Just won't let that one go.
I think they got it all wrong We just gotta hold on And on and on and on - Cos we're gonna be legends - Legends - Gonna get their attention - Attention Got this feeling in our souls we carry That it's about to be legendary - Yeah we're gonna be legends - Legends - Gonna get their attention - Attention What we're doing here ain't just scary It's about to be legendary Eventually, they're gonna know who's right Let everybody hear your battle cry! Legends Ooh, legends Hey.
(Clears throat) Hey.
Is this what passes for romance these days? She knows I'm watching.
She wants me to watch.
Yeah.
She's tying her shoe.
Those shoes don't have any laces.
Back for more? You sure you want this? Yeah.
It's your funeral.
The Princess Eleanor fascinators.
Elegant, stylish Boring.
Next.
Princess Eleanor umbrellas.
Or as we like to call them umbrelleanors! No.
The Princess Eleanor line of organic vegetarian food products.
Bacon.
I love bacon.
Next! Princess party girl.
Look like a rock and roll princess! They look like sluts.
El-ixir! A line of alcoholic beverages.
- Hm, what's that one? - Princess Passion Fruit.
Thank you.
Well, you can't spell passion without ass, can you? - Uh - No.
You can't.
Urgh! Ele-noir.
A discerning bouquet.
Even Beyonce has her own scent.
Urgh, it smells like a whore house.
The next morning.
And one of the whores has a yeast infection.
There is one more presentation, Your Highness.
I think this one will interest you.
This is Jasper Frost 2.
0.
Interesting.
How is this any different than the first model? More reliable.
A little less stubborn.
And this version is sorry for the last one.
And would never take your endorsement for granted.
Well, it certainly has nice lines.
Perhaps a product demonstration is in order.
Try out the new options.
Make sure that everything is new and improved.
(Discreet cough) I'll think about it and get back to you.
Perfume Umbrellas I don't want to do it.
I don't want to put my name on worthless things just because I can.
I mean, who even cares about this stuff? Um, a nation full of people.
Women and young girls.
Well, I'm not their role model or their personal stylist.
I just do what I do and they should, too.
Yeah, but people look up to you.
They like your style, your attitude, your confidence.
I'm not that confident.
But you fake it well.
You find the right clothes, put on the right mask.
They see this brave, fearless girl, who is defiantly and perfectly herself.
No matter how hard anyone tries to make her something else.
It It compels them.
And they think "Maybe if I did my eyes like this, I could be a small step closer to who I wanna be and a little less of what the world expects me to be.
" I do like this eyeliner.
I like the eyes.
I'm gonna make a call.
Jasper I've decided to forgive you.
For what? All of it.
Okay.
So where do we go from here? Maybe ask me out sometime.
Possibly tonight.
Okay.
Uh, I will.
Yep.
Yes! (Chuckles) Mr.
Hill.
Your Majesty.
We have an opening for the King's Head of Security, which is also the Queen's Head of Security.
I'm choosing the person to fill that position.
I'd like it to be you.
Your Majesty, I have A daughter and I know you're quite protective of her.
Will you, at least, consider it? Of course.
Oh.
One more thing.
This hashtag King Liam movement, I'd like to know where it started.
Or, better still, who started it.
Ma'am.
- Hello.
Hi.
- Hi.
Did you have sugary cereal when you were a kid? Never.
Not once.
Me, neither.
You know how you always want what you can't have? I'm having Froot Loops and then Apple Jacks and then Honey Smacks.
Whatever those are.
- You're out of control.
- I know.
It feels good.
- You want some? - No, I'm good.
That why you're trying to hide your hangover beneath that cap? I've been thinking about Robert a lot lately.
Missing him.
Asking myself how he would have handled things.
Did you contact Ophelia? I tried.
Her phone is disconnected.
Her social media is closed.
I even flew to New York.
Her flat's empty.
No forwarding address.
You didn't betray her, Liam.
Her father did.
And only two things are going to make it better.
Absolving yourself of that guilt is one of them.
- What's the other? - Cocoa Krispies.
You're a good friend.
You know that? I am a damn good friend.
Now have some Froot Loops.
They're the gateway drug to Apple Jacks.
Mm! Holy shit, this is good.
All right.
Ah.
The King has agreed to speak with you.
He's on his way now.
I've also selected a potential Lord Chamberlain.
And your booty call is waiting.
What? Really? This place is weird.
You wanted to see me? Do you plan on attending Parliament in this thing? We're the Royal Family.
I can go months without being seen in person.
Maybe even years.
Whatever you say, Bubble Boy.
But I see two flies in your lube.
One is this little thing called cancer.
And two is this.
You killed her, didn't you? Jeffrey Stewart is not going away.
He's threatening to release the footage unless we meet with him.
So? So we still have a problem.
No.
You still have a problem.
As a matter of fact, I think I might reach out to our friend, Jeff.
See if he and I can make a deal.
You really are a hideous little backstabber, aren't you? No.
I'm more than happy to stab you in the front.
Like Ted stabbed your husband.
Roll away.
Geez, if looks could kill, you'd be your mother.
- Your Majesty.
- Hm.
You'll do.
Follow me.
Close the door.
- You've spoken to Rachel? - I have.
Very good.
Unzip me.
I suppose I should ask you in advance if there's anything you won't do.
Anything you dislike.
I'm at Your Majesty's pleasure.
Good.
I like a "take charge" sort of guy.
Rough me up a bit.
Don't be shy.
Don't think of me as the Queen.
Think of me as a woman.
Can you do that? Erm (Clears throat) Yes, Your Majesty.
Helena.
Yes, of course.
Helena.
Good.
Never wanna lose your love Never wanna lose your love Hm.
Well done, Rachel.
Well done, you.
Now, I like it when Shut up.
I know what you like.
And I know what you need.
I can feel it Perfect.
(Sighs) Well, you've certainly earned your keep.
I do aim to please, Your Majesty.
Helena.
Helena.
Let's find Rachel, shall we? Oh.
Hello.
- Your Majesty.
- I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
Would you give us a moment? Please.
It's a pleasure to finally meet our new Lord Chamberlain.
Rachel! - (Knock on door) - Who is it? It's James Hill, Your Highness.
Well, come on, then.
I wonder if I might have a word.
Well, of course.
Join me.
What's on your mind, Mr.
Hill? I've been offered the Head of Security position.
But it would mean I would no longer be your personal agent.
And? And, selfishly, that's not an easy thing to give up.
You know the day we met and I told you that, eventually, you would let me down? But you never have.
Not once.
So the way I see it you wouldn't be leaving me.
You'd simply be looking after all of us.
And I can't think of anyone more qualified for that.
Then again, the last guy did set the bar pretty low.
(CLAUDIA KANE: The Silence) I'll I'll let you know what I decide.
Oh, there's there's one more thing.
I thought er you might like to see this.
- (JASPER) Yes! - (Snorts) Hm.
Right.
Best keep him with Liam.
The man's got a serious conflict of interest.
fallen from grace This beast Is growing stronger every day Hiding below ground like vermin.
Mr.
Stewart.
I thought we should talk.
This should be good.
Not here, for God's sake.
We can at least have a drink and pretend to be civilized.
Follow me.
Like ashes (Crowd cheers and yells) It blows away It blows away The silence The silence Oh, oh, oh! Come on! You.
The spare who would be heir.
Did you really think you would be King of England? You will find that taking a life is an unbearable weight.
Every second.
Every minute.
Every hour.
Every day.
The sickness lies and waits A constant reminder of what you did.
And how you did it.
Come on! Like wildfire, we let it burn away (HELENA) They always take the good ones.
We let it burn away Like ash in air It blows away It blows away The silence The silence Oh, oh, oh! La-la la-la-la So, let me get this straight.
This man, Spencer Hoenigsberg, - is my new Lord Chamberlain.
- Yes, Your Majesty.
- And the other man - Huge Grant.
- .
.
was intended to be - Your other appointment.
If you smile, you're fired.
This is the home of the Royal Family, for Christ's sake! How is it that people just gallivant about as if it's a goddamn free for all? Should someone be controlling their access? The Lord Chamberlain would manage that.
- Look, Your Helena - (Chokes) - Your Majesty.
- Your Majesty.
Clearly there's been a misunderstanding.
But I promise you I can look past this unfortunate - Unfortunate? - Unfortunate but exhilarating introduction and perform my duties in the manner of a consummate professional.
Give us a moment, please, Rachel.
Yes, Your Majesty.
I really am sorry.
Huge Grant! - I'm giving you a chance.
- Thank you, Ma'am.
To turn you loose now would be far too dangerous.
Understood, Ma'am.
Consider this Exhibit A in why we need an effective Lord Chamberlain around here.
Of course, Ma'am.
Very well.
You may go.
Thank you, Ma'am.
And, Ma'am it goes without saying but er might I apologize for telling Your Majesty to shut up.
And for those other demands as well.
We shall not speak of it for the rest of time.
Yes, Your Majesty.
Thank you, Ma'am.
(UNIONS: Bury) Down in the deep where the sirens sing I haven't been out of my room in weeks, Mr.
Stewart.
They want my DNA and my hair is falling out because I have cancer.
I have to be careful.
I'm also not trying to poison you.
I'm the King of England.
I don't do my own wet work.
Besides, I need you.
Broke in the night in the colorless light - Need me how? - I want to make a deal with you.
Drunk on a song, of a lie gone wrong You only find when you hit the bottom I've had a lot of things taken from me, Mr.
Stewart.
Just as you have.
But my crown is not gonna be one of them.
Release your video.
Show the world who the Queen and her mother really are.
But edit my footage out.
I have to protect my reign.
A King's ransom.
Literally.
You don't want to destroy the monarchy, Stewart.
You want your rightful share of it.
Well, now you can have it.
All of it.
Everything they've taken from you.
- You think you can buy me? - Every man has their price.
Besides, I have no choice.
If the public sees your video, I'll be disgraced.
So be it.
You are a disgrace.
You all are.
And the fact you thought you could strike a deal just speaks to your arrogance and your (Gasps in pain) I didn't bring you here to strike a deal, Stewart.
I brought you here to kill you.
I poisoned your drink.
But I like you.
So, can I interest you in the antidote? Actually, I lied.
That was more poison.
(Gasps) You really think I'm the only one? Yes, I do.
But if I'm wrong, this is a good way to find out.
Sorry, we're shut.
(Sighs) (GORDI: So Here We Are) Look right through me and open me inside out (Knock on door) Come in.
And I won't second guess, I won't scream Hi.
(Clears throat) Hi.
- You look nice.
- Thanks.
So do you.
Er so, would you like to do something with me tonight? Oh.
Unfortunately, I'm not sure that I'm free tonight.
Er you told me to ask you out.
Yeah, I said, like, sometime.
I didn't necessarily mean tonight.
Well, no.
You implied tonight.
- I implied no such thing.
- Well, you got dressed, waited for me to ask you out, which I did.
- Now you tell me you have plans.
- Why would I do that? Because you enjoy messing with my mind! So what are your plans tonight? Erm I was thinking I might paint my room.
And those are your painting clothes? Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, I'm in.
Perfect.
Let's er Let's paint this bitch.
We need some paint.
Of course we do.
Jasper Don't give up on me.
I won't.
Ever.
I'm gonna go and get some paint.
Then I'm gonna come back and I'm gonna paint your room with you tonight.
Just to be clear.
Of course you are.
Obviously.
Go on.
But I will feel it all So here we are Thanks for letting me stay.
Hey, it's not every day royalty graces you with their presence.
Even if they do look like shit.
What happened to your face, anyway? You should see the other guy.
Okay.
Here we go.
(Grunts) (Helicopter in distance) Mind the gap.
(Camera clicks) You're very clever.
It's not easy starting a movement.
You've done well.
Come on.
I didn't do that.
No, but you posted King Liam after his video online.
Eight letters.
Planting just the right propaganda at just the right time in just the right places and minds.
It's not easy to do.
Trust me.
I've tried.
- How did you know? - That it was you? I'm the Queen of England.
I know things.
More important question is, how did you know? That's the question that compels me.
That and why.
Because I believe in the message.
I believe in Liam.
Good.
So do I.
I'd like you to come to the palace tomorrow and see me.
I have a proposition for you.
And if I refuse? If you truly believe in my son, you won't.
I'll see you tomorrow.
(Vehicle doors unlock) (Whirring) All that we are Where is that star? Lost in the dark Alone Say hi to Simon.
You dick! Searching high I'm sorry I'm ruining your shirt.
Oh, no.
It's fine.
They're just clothes.
Clothes are life, Jasper.
Clothes, shoes, bags.
Make-up.
It's all life.
Well, that make-up company wants to meet with you.
The erm eye stuff that you like.
- What? You called them? - No.
I went to see them.
And they want to meet with you.
Why? Because people like you, Princess.
People like you and so do I.
So heart don't fail me now Even if the walls were falling down It will always be So a pack of wild dogs dragged you through the streets.
- That's what you're going with.
- It could happen.
He told me I couldn't hide from it.
He called it an unbearable weight.
Who? Ted Pryce.
He said I couldn't erase it and I couldn't take it back.
And he was right.
I wanted him to die.
I wanted them to kill him and they did.
I did.
It's always there, you know.
You need to rest.
the walls were falling down It will always be ours Hey.
Be ours I thought about you a lot.
I should have done more for you.
Get some sleep.
It will always be ours Be ours This is holy ground