The Royle Family (1998) s03e01 Episode Script

# I would like to leave this city # This old town don't smell too pretty and # I can feel the warning signs # Running around my mind # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # (Jim) You get better looking every day.
I never get tired of looking at you.
You're gorgeous, you are.
Mm Come here, you.
Ta, Barb.
Saved us a nice couple of quid there, love.
(Television blares) I'll sweep that up later when I've got a minute.
- Oh, Jim.
Nowt on? - Nah, the usual shite.
- We're gonna have to get Sky.
- Oh, Jim, we don't want Sky.
We don't watch telly enough to get the value.
(Doorbell) Get that, will you, Barb, love? Anne Robinson, my arse.
Watchdog? I am watching the bloody dog! - Hiya! Oh, you look lovely.
- Oh, ta.
- Hiya, Dave.
- All right, Barbara? - Hiya, Dad.
- Bloody hell, it's Posh and Becks.
Hello.
How's Daddy's little soldier? Aw! (Jim) Come on.
Get him over here to his bloody auld grandad.
He doesn't want a shite or anything, does he, Dave? Oh! Hey, how's me favourite little grandson, eh? It's like looking in the mirror looking at this fella.
He's the spit of me! Look at that.
We're like two peas in a pod, aren't we? - Oh, Dad, don't say that.
- Hm, God forbid.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Ooh, Ready Steady Cook.
Love this, me.
- So do I.
- So do I.
Ready Steady Cook off! - Jim, leave it on.
- Leave it, Dad.
You'd do well on that, Denise.
A little tub of Dairylea and two slices of Mighty White.
You having that, David? You having that, Baby David? Yes! I love this fella.
Here you are, Barb.
Hello, you lovely.
There you are.
- Hiya.
Dave? - Here, you have him, Dave.
Good boy.
I'll put you in your chair.
- I like his little hat, Denise.
- Yeah.
You can watch the telly now.
Yeah.
(Fern on TV) Ooh, that sounds good, doesn't it? Does that mean you won't cook any more? (Fern) Shall we meet these guests? - Have you had your tea? - Yeah.
- What did you have? - Steak and kidney pie.
- (Barbara) Ooh! Homemade? - No.
Oh.
(Cheering on TV) - How's the sleeping going, Denise? - I slept all through last night.
- No, I mean Baby David.
- Oh! Dunno.
- He woke up twice last night, Barbara.
- Oh, did he? - Oh, did he? - Mm.
Twice, yeah.
Oh.
- Oh, guess what, Mam? - What? We've opened up a savings account for Baby David.
Havert we, Dave? - What a lovely idea.
- For when he goes to university.
(Jim) Uni-bloody-versity, my arse! I just hope he's got his mother's brains.
How much have you got in this account, Denise? Well, 26 quid so far.
Cos I put that 25 quid off Dave's mam and dad in, and then the pound that Dad gave him.
We're just gonna put a bit in every now and again.
I'm still paying off me exercise bike out of the catalogue.
You never use that exercise bike, Denise.
That'd mean her getting off her arse, and that's not as easy as it sounds for our Denise.
(Baby David cries) Think he might need feeding? I think you're right.
I think he might need feeding.
Denise, do you want me to pass him you? (Sighs) All right.
Come here, sweet child.
Oh! Hello.
- There.
- Hello.
Hello.
(Front door opens) Are you leaving that out? This could be anybody.
Dad, it's only natural.
So is having a crap but you wouldn't do that in the lounge.
Oh, Jim! Hi, love.
Ooh, hiya, Darren.
You all right? Oh, Darren, we haven't seen you for a long time.
- You still working? - No.
Oh.
What happened there, then? That was a good job in that warehouse.
- They fired me off.
- Why? - They caught me nicking.
- You daft sod.
What were you nicking? - A fridge-freezer.
- You can't put them up your jumper.
- Hey, Ant.
Tea's in the oven.
- What is it? - Sausage and mash.
- Nice one.
- Is it all right if I whack it with Darren? - Yeah.
Do some bread with it.
Cheers.
Hey, how's my little nephew, eh? He's going to bloody university, him.
There's no stopping him.
Where's Emma tonight, Antony? Oh, she's gone with her mam and dad for a meal.
- It's his birthday.
- Werert you invited, Antony? - Er no.
- Oh! They don't want him spoiling a romantic evening with his gob covered in ketchup.
Oh, Jim, don't be so horrible.
- Whers Kenny due out of the nick? - I dunno.
- Must be soon, mustrt it? - Don't know.
- Is he coming back here to live? - Nah, he can't.
- Yeah, it's best not to, eh? - (Barbara) Hey, Darren.
You want to watch yourself nicking fridges.
- You'll end up inside with your brothers.
- It was a fridge-freezer.
Oh.
We'll get some scran.
Make us a brew while you're out there.
And don't turn your back on Darren near that fridge-freezer! You can't imagine him carrying a fridge-freezer, can you? That's why he got caught, the dozy bugger.
(Worrall Thompson) Oh, my goodness! This only takes ten minutes.
There we go.
- Hey, did you see your kid then? - What? - She had her tit out! - Well, yeah.
She was feeding the baby.
- Does she do that a lot? - Yeah.
- She always use the same tit? - Dunno.
I've not asked.
- You take him now.
- Come on, sunshine.
Go back in your chair.
There we go.
I think he's gonna have a musical side, with Dave being a DJ and everything.
Ooh, yeah.
I think he's really bright for his age, Baby David.
What do you think? - Ooh, yeah.
- What do you think, Dave? - What about? - Baby David's really bright for his age.
- Yeah, well bright.
- (Jim) Who's bright? (AIl) Baby David.
Sometimes when I look into his eyes he seems miles away.
- Like he's always thinking things.
- Oh, yeah.
You do wonder what they're thinking, don't you? He made us have a massive row, though, last night.
- Mm.
- Did he? What about? Well, Dave wants him to get a trade behind him.
- A mechanic or something.
- He was going to university! But what if he doesn't get in? That's what I mean.
He needs a trade to fall back on.
(Barbara) Course he's going to get in.
He's as bright as a button.
That's what we've just been saying.
See? - Ant.
- What? Pass us that red sauce.
Dad, will you pass me one of my nipple pads, please? Bloody hell, Denise.
Here y'are, Barb.
Ta.
You'll never guess what.
You know yesterday? I was in the precinct with Cheryl.
I only started leaking in Topshop.
(Barbara laughs) - (Farts) - (Jim laughs) That's my boy.
Oh, he's a Royle all right.
I hope he's not followed through.
Let me just check.
Ooh, let me just smell your bum-bum.
I think he might have done one, Denise.
Have a smell.
I'm not sure.
Mam? Oh, yeah.
Definitely has.
Yeah, he has.
- He's definitely done one.
- He's gonna need changing, irt he? - Antony! - Oh, don't tell Antony to do it.
- Not while he's having his tea.
- I'll do him after I've watched this.
Dave, you can't leave him like that.
- I can really smell it.
- Will you pass us that changing mat? - Did you remember the Pampers, Dave? - Yeah, I've got 'em.
Bloody Pampers and Wet Wipes? Must be costing you a bloody fortune, lad.
Yeah.
Dave! Look at the soft sod.
When are you gonna change the nappies, Denise? No way.
Smells of shite.
I'll tell you what, he takes after his auld grandad in the engine room department.
- You having that, Dave? - Ooh, yeah.
(Barbara) Jim! (Barbara) Look at Dave.
He knows exactly what he's doing.
He's only wiping an arse.
It's hardly rocket science, is it? You never did it.
# You are my sunshine, my only sunshine # You make me happy when skies are grey # You'll never know, dear, how much I love you # Please don't take my sunshine away # Come here.
Pop you back in there.
There.
Hey, did you ask Emma about her fit friend? - Who? - Her fit friend, Sophie.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Aye.
Yep.
No, she's not interested.
She doesn't fancy you.
I don't fancy her any more anyway now.
- Stuck up cow.
- Yeah.
I didn't want you telling me to shell the peas, so I got some frozen ones.
I'll have a P, please, Bob.
(Laughter continues) (Mobile rings) It's me.
Hello? Yeah.
Yeah.
I think so.
Yeah.
Defo.
Laters.
- Who was it? - Bit of business.
- Was it your mam? - Yeah.
Are we going back in there then or what? She won't still be feeding it.
- Shall we get off, then? - I gotta make them a brew, haven't I? - Oh, yeah.
Hey, Mam.
- What? - Guess what.
- What? Me and Dave's been talking about the christening.
We've decided we're gonna have a really big do and invite everyone we know.
Ooh, how lovely.
Where are you having it? Well, here, hopefully.
Bloody hell, why don't you have it in your own gaff? Dad, I can't look after Baby David and do a buffet.
(Barbara) I think it's wonderful that she wants to have it here.
Jim, you can't do a buffet for your own grandson? - (Phone bleeps) - Yes! Message! - Who was it? - You.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
There's nothing nicer than a baby's bottom, is there? - No.
- Aw.
I remember your little bottom, Denise.
- Do ya? - Yeah.
Do you remember our Denise's little bottom, Jim? That was the last time I saw it.
She hasn't been off the bloody thing since.
Such a tiny little baby, Denise.
You were only six pounds.
Our Antony was seven pounds two exactly.
- What weight were you, Dave? - Eh? - When you were born.
- Don't know.
Ooh.
I bet you were a big one.
I'd say ooh nine pounds three, something like that.
- What do you think, Jim? - What about? What weight do you think Dave was when he was born? I don't bloody know.
Is there a prize? I couldn't give two shiny shites what weight Dave was when he was born.
Why can't you ever have a sensible conversation? (Impersonating Ali G) You is a batty boy.
- No, you is a batty boy.
- No, you is a batty boy.
- No, you are the batty boy.
- You is the biggest batty boy.
You is a bigger batty boy than I am.
You is the king of the batty men.
- No, that's you.
- No, that is you.
- No, you is the batty king.
- No, you is the batty king.
No, because you likes Arnold Schwarzenegger.
He is a muscly man and that is cos you is a batty boy.
- Ha ha.
No, you - Just cos you can't do it.
I can do it! OK, I'm not as good as you but I can do it.
Go on, then.
Me checking out none other than me main man, Antony Royle.
Yay! But the thing is, you is definitely a batty boy because you does not fancy Miss Sophie and she is fit, man.
- She is wicked.
- She is wicked.
But No, that wasrt right at all, was it? She is wicked.
She has got these babylons, and the batty.
She is top punani, man.
Top-class.
Booyakasha! - Booyakasha! - That's it.
Booyakasha! - Booyakasha! - Like that.
Boo.
Boo.
Booyakasha! Hold on.
- Booyakasha! - Booyakasha! Hang on.
Can you do that, though? - Oh, yeah.
Hey, Mam, guess what.
- What? - You know Dave? - Yeah.
He's making a little farmyard for Baby David.
- Is he? Are you, Dave? - Yeah.
Ooh, how lovely.
What are you making it out of? - A bit of scrap wood I've got.
- Aw.
What have you done so far? - I've made a gate to keep the animals in.
- Have you got animals? No, I've not made them yet.
What the bloody hell have you made the gate for? Get a grip of yourself.
Dave, when you get to the sheep, give me a shout, cos I've got an old ball of wool in the airing cupboard doing nothing.
I wasrt really thinking of having sheep, Barbara.
- What were you thinking of having? - You know, ducks and livestock.
If you've having a pig, we could get Cheryl to model for it! Dad! - You having chickens, Dave? - Where? - In your farmyard.
- Oh, more than likely, Barbara.
Aw.
(Whispers) Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
Shit, I can't do it any more.
- Respect.
- Westside.
Westside.
Listen.
You're better than me.
How's your mam and dad these days, Dave? Not bad really, but it's coming up to the anniversary, you know.
Oh.
Yeah.
How long is it now, Dave? It'll be a year next month.
- Anniversary of what, Dave? - The dog dying.
- (Barbara) How did it die, Dave? - Committed suicide.
Ooh! How do they know it was suicide? Well, why else would it jump off the balcony? (Jim suppresses laughter) Here they are - the Pet Shop Boys! Hey-hey! Thank you.
Oh, thanks, Ant.
There's a load of hair on the floor there.
Don't worry, love, it's only Jim's.
Oh, hey, how's me little nephew? Hello.
- Here you are, Dave.
- Cheers, Darren.
- Here you go, Denise.
- Cheers, Daz.
Aw, it is nice to see you, Darren.
Give your mam my love, will you? - Has she still got her home help? - I think so, yeah.
She'll need it now, with you and your dad being out of work and all your brothers in prison.
Darren, do you want a little hold of Baby David? Er no, you're all right, Denise.
Oh, go on, Darren.
I bet you've never held a baby, have you? Are we off, then? Don't give it to him.
We'll never see the bugger again.
(AII laugh) - Where are you off to? The Feathers? - No, The Peartree.
Why not go in the Feathers? They won't serve Darren.
They don't reckon he looks 18.
- Are you 18, Darren? - No.
Come on.
Are we off then or what? Ooh, hey, Antony.
Stick this in somebody's bin, will you, love? - Smelling our house out.
- Hey, Ant.
Bag of shite.
(Laughs) See you! Ta-ra.
They are good friends, Darren and Antony, aren't they? - Yeah.
- They're always together these days.
Ooh, that's how Liberace got started.
Don't be daft, Jim.
Our Antony's going out with Emma.
Elton John was married to a woman but he still drops anchor in poo bay.
Oh, Jim! Hey.
I hope it was only a sausage he was sharing with him in there, eh? - (Laughs) - You know what I mean! I don't care whether he's straight, gay or homosexual.
He's still our son.
If he starts growing a bloody handlebar moustache he'll be out dead quick.
Jim! It's the millennium! (Fern on TV) You brought with you red snapper, red chillies, red pepper, red onions, and Thai imperial rice with red flecks in it.
What did you do with it? Dave, you fancy joining the arse bandits for a jar at The Peartree? No.
He doesn't want to.
- I don't want to apparently.
- Oh, under the old thumb, eh, Dave? - One nil Jim.
- You're not going, Jim.
Oh-ho! Under the old thumb eh, Jim? One all.
Tell you what, I'm having a bit of trouble with me Rockford Files.
- Do you fancy rubbing that cream in? - No.
Oh, hey, football's on tonight, innit? Can we get off? I want to watch it at home.
All right, yeah.
What time are you coming tomorrow, Mam? - About ten? - Yeah.
- Will you be up? - No.
Right.
See ya.
- See ya, Dad.
- Ta-ra, love.
- Ta-ra, Dave.
- See you.
- Hey, Denise.
- Yeah? Havert you forgotten something? Ooh, ha! Baby David! - Oh! - (Jim) Bloody hell! # So what do you say? # You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway # You're half the world away # Half the world away # Half the world away # I've been lost, I've been found, but I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down # No, I don't feel down #