The Sopranos s03e01 Episode Script

How's your mom, ton'? The same.
But my ex- goomar's cousin, i got her coming in to take care of her.
Russian girl.
Who was it telling me about the bevilaqua kid? You know that family has money from construction? That fucking matthew was never any good.
He sure cried li ke a baby that night.
I think the family was relieved he got taken out.
What are you gonna eat? Hey, waiter! That's the closest cw- 16 ever got tony to discussing the bevilaqua murder on tape? I think at this point it's time to consider Bonpensiero was crucial to the webistics stock fraud case.
So, rico- wise.
The airline tickets.
Mail and wire fraud.
Especially if the mother testifies in exchange for immunity.
C'mon, whose own mother's gonna testify against him? I say focus on his garbage business.
Extortion, interstate trucking.
It's also the most likely to yield a prosecutable murder.
Richie aprile, exactly.
No doubt about it the cartel had him whacked.
Okay, garbage, but tony shows real due diligence when it comes to electronic debugging.
What about the home? Bonpensiero told me him and tony talk in the basement there on more than one occasion.
His own basement, really? Where's the due diligence there? Tony avoids talking business in the house if he can.
But if he has to, he'll take somebody out by the pool.
Except there he fears parabolics.
The basement has these noisy a.
C.
Ducts.
He turns on the air and he feels it's safe.
"Surreptitiously enter said premises and leave without notice.
" This is a "sneak 'n peek" warrant.
Correct, your honor.
I said you could enter the basement to drop a wire.
I mean, how many times do we have to impact this family's right to privacy? First, when the home is empty, we enter to take sound levels, determine where to best place the wire.
Once that's decided, the listening devi ce will be fabricated and we will reente r to install it.
See that they limit both entrances to the basement only.
It's not a "better homes and gardens" tour.
Happy hunting.
The coffeemaker's gotta be plugged in for it to work! Same time as yesterday.
Listen, i'll save you some gas.
I'm just going down to the stationary store, then i'll be right back.
You don't gotta follow me like yesterday.
Alright? In order for the s.
E.
T.
Te to drop a wire in that house, there's gotta be nobody at home for at least two hours.
Actually, the maid is gone for a little while on tuesday afternoons.
Gone why? English language classes, she's getting a u.
S.
Citizenship.
She's gone from the house from 1:00 till about 2:45.
An hour class, then she and her husband usually have a picnic lunch.
He's applying for citizenship, too.
What's his name again? Stasiu wosilius.
I'll run that by anti- terrorism just for laughs.
Carmela's gone the same hours on tuesday, tennis lessons.
As long as we have somebody on her during tennis, and on the maid and tony and everybody that's got a key to the house.
The daughter's at columbia, lives in the dorms.
Why risk it, she's 45 minutes away via the g.
W.
Put somebody on her.
Anyone of them breaks for home, we need to warn the s.
E.
T.
Team to get the hell out of there.
Unit one, this is control.
Baby bing headed your way.
Copy, control.
Unit two, you got badabing headed your way.
Excuse me.
Unit three, mrs.
Bing also in motion.
Unit five, you have visu al contact of princess bing? Roger, control.
Unit four, in approximately one minute, you'll have the maid, gray jetta.
S.
E.
Team, the location reads secure.
You have one hour and 30 minutes.
Roger, control.
Control, we're headed into the sausage factory.
Oh, look at this.
Just in time for lunch.
Set a plate.
You got it.
I had him dart i t in the shoulde r like she wanted and reinforced the hem.
It shouldn't hav e torn like that.
Beautiful coat.
What the fuck you doing? Lunch is ready.
Wash my hands.
You just washed your hands.
Then i tied my shoes.
So what? I can't stand touching fucking shoe laces.
You ever go to tie your shoes and you notice the end of your laces are wet? From what? Why would they be wet? I got no fucking idea.
You go in public bathrooms , you stand at the urinals.
Oh, c'mon, will ya? He's asking me, i'm tellin' him.
And frankly, it's important.
Even if the lace is dry, and even if you don't touch the body of the shoe.
Bacteria and virus migrate from the sole up.
You see this on tv? I gotta watc h tv to figure out the world? Your average men's shit house is a fucking sewer.
You look at ladies' johns, you could eat maple walnut ice cream from the toilets.
Ah, there's exceptions.
But a men's piss all over the fucking floor.
Urinals jammed with cigarette s and mothball cakes.
And they can pour all the fucking ice they want down there, my friend, it does nothin g to kill germs.
Even if you keep your shoes tied, and you're not dragging your laces through urine.
Shut the fuck up! Control, this is s.
E.
T.
Four, i have access to the box.
I'm disabling the line to the phone company.
Phone line to the alarm company's now neutralized.
Go ahead, cut it.
Hold your breath , i'm clipping the siren wire.
Pick it, wilson.
Control, we are working on entry, estimate three or four minutes.
You're not hungry? Have some bracioll'.
No, thanks.
I got no appetite.
Today would've been our birthday.
Our birthday? Oh, yeah.
Spoons.
Hey, happy birthday.
How old are you? Who was born first, you or spoons? Philip was my kid brother by 11 minutes.
Hey, it was a fucking tragedy.
What are you gonna do? It's the life we chose, am i right, pat? But my brother was never a heavy guy with anybody.
He was a sweet, gentle man.
Your brother was your twin brother.
Philly.
Friends like u s called him "spoons".
Somebody whacked the kid a couple months before you came over.
You big mouth fuck! Fuck! It's you identical twin or the other kind? Identical.
Here, have something to eat.
There's a twin bond.
Unless you experienced it you can't understand it.
You okay with onions, right? Maybe it sounds fucking crazy to you.
Hey, nothing sounds crazy anymore.
The older i get.
It's over, right? Don't it happen that identical twins a lot of times, they'll die within a coupl e of days of each other? That would've been okay with me, believe me.
Hey! I miss him so much.
Well, that's natural.
But you're with us now, so why don't you leave the morbid shit back at junior's crew and have a happy birthday.
Happy birthday.
Salut.
You want to commit suicide, tie your shoes and have a bite of bracioll'.
Hey, stoonad, it's a joke, c'mon! Hello.
God don't transfer me now.
Adriana la cerva.
How green was my fucking valley? Carmela.
Hi, ed.
Hey.
This is my friend i was telling you about, adriana la cerva.
Ed restuccia.
Well, i'm delighted to teach any pal of carm's.
She's my most disciplined student.
Perfect muscle tone doesn't hurt either.
Unfortunately, listen, i have to apologize, carm.
I thought i called everybody.
But i'm not gonna be teaching here anymore.
Everything's alright, i hope.
Yeah, basically, kitty got this dot- com job in san diego.
So, we're moving.
I didn't even know you were married.
Yeah.
But you're in luck.
Birgit here is taking over for me.
How wonderful.
I never even played like once.
That's why you're here.
Oh, carm, before you start, it'll really help if i can get letters of recommendation.
Oh, by the way, this company kitty's joining, they sell antiques on the web, so if you ever wanted a special piece i don't have antiques, my house is traditional.
Um, i'm cutting in to your lesson, sorry.
Carmela, bye.
Nice meeting you.
Take care.
Baby bing is leaving school property.
I'm on it.
Taking orders, dude.
Peach snapple.
Me, too.
I only g ot two bucks.
Mrs.
Celeste almost saw my board in my locker.
What kind of retard rule is that, no boards at school? Why can't they see how usefu boards would be at school? Like in the cafeteria.
Each person on line coul d just roll past the food pans or whatever and make the decisions in like half the time.
Yeah.
That food tastes like ass anyway.
Alright, hit it! I only had eno ugh for one snapple.
A.
J.
, give me a hit of your snapple.
Don't backwash.
I'm not doing anything for this school.
My mom's all ,"get involved".
It's like,"hello, i am involved with boarding.
" Oh, it's egon.
Hey, kosma.
Okay! Where you been, dude? Orthodontist.
S'up, slim? What class you guys ditchin'? Assembly.
Excellent jersey.
Yeah, wait you went out for j.
V.
Ball? Yeah.
Excuse me, m r.
Quadripleg ic of the future.
Remind me no t to visit you in the hospital.
It is a cool shirt.
Yeah.
Whoa! What position? Douchebag.
Okay, cut it! jell- o shots on bhs, on bhs, fight right through that line! Run that ball to the goal line! Y'all should've come.
Where'd you go? We started off at smoke's as usual, but we wound up at this place ruby foos'round, um broadway and 65th or something.
It was so fun.
God, did i get hammered.
Don't you have a quiz today? Frosh week technically ended at midnight.
What do they expect? I'll study now.
I know, i have a bio lab, i haven't read any of the chapters.
Aww still miss new jersey? It's only like half an hour away.
It's just this transition.
It's a lot of work.
I just think new york is an experience that unalterably changes a person.
It is really great.
All this freedom of college.
When did you have your last cocktail? Jesus, caitlin.
"What is the most important right guaranteed to united states citizens?" Right to vote.
Special capers from italy.
Soprano kids don't like them.
"Who wrote'the star spangled banner'?" Martin luther king.
Stasiu, you know this.
I want to eat.
Francis scott key.
"What holiday was celebrated for the first time by the american colonists?" Martin luther king.
Stasiu! That's answer to number 49, "who was civil rights leader?" Which sandwich is for you? I don't care.
Ready.
Start shooting over here.
Back in lodz, i was an engineer with 20 employees and a grant from the sta te to do autonomous research.
Oh, it bores you? Don't take those steak knives out.
Put them with capers, i take them home.
That's just for anthony jr.
Looks like they're expecting world war iii.
More likely the columbo wars.
Hey, he's got the black & decker.
I got one of those.
water heater.
My house we're shivering after a shower and a half.
Whoa, wait a minute, go back.
Look at the brown water, right there, freeze it.
What? You don't see it? Creep forward, give us some magnification.
That baby's gonna blow.
My dad was a plumber.
Tony's got about six months left to go on that lining.
Aw, it's a shame that we can't warn him.
Maybe during the discovery phase of his rico trial, we can inform his lawy er that tony needs a plumber.
Except that's at least a year from now and by that timeboom! Okay, now you see that lamp there? Is that the c- 140 microphone? They took sound readings.
That's a new one.
Assumption is the wiseguys stand and talk where the air conditioning's loudest.
And that's where we're gonna place it.
When's this puppy going in? Tomorrow.
Okay, fellas and gals, our big day.
And as i speak , i have baby bing right on time.
Handing off to you, george.
I'm on baby bing's car pool vehicle.
Furio giunta cadillac dts returning.
Went past me up the street about five minutes ago.
Well, well, well.
Der bingle's up early today, he's in the caddy.
Copied, i've got the handoff.
Roger that.
How's the new stock doing? Up three at the close of the dow yesterday.
Another two so far today.
Beautiful.
Listen, ton', i think we may have a problem.
Log off.
That cookies shit makes me nervous.
I think we may have a problem about our friend, the twin.
Yeah, so? My goombah, joey flies, he hangs out at the nest in bloomfield.
Gyp la monica's place.
Yeah.
So, our friend is a fixture down there and joey says lately he's been into the booze very heavy.
He's all fucked up.
A couple of times, i had to pick him up off the floor.
So, chip went to him.
"Pat, what the fuck? Can i do anything", etcetera.
Patsy launches into this single malt diatribe about how people can smile in your face and still be a villain and that he knows how his brother died and who's responsible and all that there.
He mention me by name? No, me neither.
You hearing this? How the fuck would patsy know we clipped spoons? What, that fucking twin telepathy? Somebody's putting ideas in this kid's head.
Sweet shot, really beautiful shot.
He just set himself up perfectly on this hole don't let us interfere with your golf game.
Maybe a cop trying to flip him.
Getting him worked up with theories.
He was talking weird the other day.
What should we do? We brought him ove r from junior's crew to keep an eye on him.
So, that's what we'll keep doing.
I mean, make no mistake.
Part of this guy loves you.
But it's gotta be hard coming into work every day looking right into the eyes of the guy you know ordered your brother whacked.
And even having to smile.
We always have the option.
Mrs.
Bing in motion.
S.
E.
Team, we got the housekeeper to wait out, then the house is all yours.
Hit low to high, carmela and think about your grip.
Fuck! No, that's good.
Nice extension.
Ah! Racquet back, carmela, c'mon! Fuck.
No, that's good.
Shouldn't that housekeeper be out of there? Edge closer, take a look.
Ow! Okay, guys, collect.
Actually, ade, let m e work with you here.
Carm, you collect.
Maid's car's still here.
Okay, let's just focus, be serious and follow through.
Right, right.
Almost, almost.
Did you hear something? I don't know.
We think we heard something.
From inside the sausage factory.
Hold your position.
Okay.
Stand up straight, okay? Okay.
Here you go.
Low to high.
I can't do this with you.
She's leaving the court.
Der bingle's leaving the bing, too.
This does not look good.
Mrs.
Bing bearing north on grandview avenue.
She's turned onto foxwood road.
She's heading toward the factory.
Abort, repeat, abort.
S.
E.
Team get the hell out of there now! Abort, andy, it's not a go.
Repeat, we are not a go.
It must be a crisis with one of the children.
Control, i place baby bing in the school building.
Unit five report.
That's a big roger from this end, too.
She went into her room about two minutes ago.
I heard her tell her friend she was gonna get some sleep.
You think somebody made us? I don't know.
But we're finished for today here, ladies and gentlemen.
said this fucking thing would last! Fuck! You said that, tony.
Are you doing anything over there? I told you not to put this shit down here! Fuck! Fuck! Never mind tha t, save the pictures.
The prom.
Look at this, fucking ruined.
Mr.
Ruggerio , thank god.
The fucking water heater blew.
Just blew! Your guarantee's gotta be expired by now.
Madonn'.
Do we have any idea what went down? No.
It's a family emergency of some sort.
The plumber's truc k went up there.
Look, we don't have any idea what happened, so let's not speculate.
All i know is that we're shit out of luck till next tuesday.
Send somebody up there tomorrow, stake the house out.
Maybe we got a long- term problem.
Well, we're heading back to quantico.
We got a job in denver day after tomorrow.
A mosque.
Morning.
Hi.
We'd like to get onto your property so we can trim some growth in the back that's posing a safety hazard with all the powerline s running through there.
Okay.
Go around the side.
While we're at it, our records show t hat our repair department had some crews out here yesterday.
Were you affected by any of the shortfalls? Yesterday? No.
Oh.
The people next door have had some trucks go up there i think, but, no, we've been fine.
How about them? Do you know if everything's okay over there? As far as i know.
Well, we'll go talk to them.
Probably you should.
They're in the-- pardon? Nothing.
They're different.
For this neighborhood, they're a little different, that's all.
We'll get busy in the back.
Thanks.
Still nothing out of the ordinary.
Is the kid home sick from school? I don't see him.
But, i see an arm, a piece of robe.
It could be tony.
He's eating sugar pops.
Wait, somebody just walked past the kitchen window.
No, that's the maid.
They're good.
Fresh this morning, ferrara's.
How are things over on bloomfield avenue? The cuban was at the casino last night.
And by the way, big john's okay with a 60- 40 split because we own the building.
What the hell? What? What the fuck, is that pat parisi? Oh, shit.
What should we do? He's drunk! Anyway, i told johnny, i says,"look-- let's talk downstairs.
Motherfucker i don't understand this at all.
Cocksucker.
What's up, ike? What happened at the soprano house was the water heater blew.
Our unit saw ruggerio come back with a flatbed and haul the old one out.
Ruggerio a plumber? Why? My sister used t o live up near there.
She was friend s with mrs.
Ruggerio.
Yeah, it's mr.
Ruggerio's neighborhood.
Anyway, we have to get this thing in there before our warrant goes stale.
Boy, we've had eve ry one of tony's phones bugged for four years.
But the guy says less than harpo marx.
Next tuesday.
The wire drop's a definite go.
Der bingle has left the building.
They fucking made me.
Wire drop is still a go.
Confirming access to switching box.
I'm going in.
Unit two, mrs.
Bing in motion.
Just the maid and it's all yours.
Copy that.
Siren wire's cut.
The teacher knows nothing.
Why do you quarrel with him always? English is his first language.
C'mon, waste our time with those childish trick questions.
"Stop, men at work".
And how do we know it doesn't mean "stop all men who are working"? He shouldn't have taken a point off my grade.
He thinks i'm a ha ck cabbie from pakistan.
Lilli, lilli! Where ar e you going? I'm going back to work! Excuse me, ma'am.
Scared me.
I'm sorry, can you tell me, is the west essex language school around here? There.
Is it coed? What? You wouldn't happen to be polish by any chance, would you? Yes.
My grandmother is polish.
It's locked today.
Yeah, yeah, my grandmother, she-- excuse me.
How can i help you, sir? I was just wonderi ng if i could ask you a few questions ab out the language school.
How is it? Sweet mother of jesus.
Look at her today.
Hi, ade! Hi, guys! Be back in a second.
Listen to this now,"hi, ade!" Hi.
Hey, you.
I love those.
Oh, yeah? Oh, my god.
Where did you get them? Near my house.
Ay- ay- ay.
Wait, wait, wait, this table's been moved.
Cleanup fr om the flood.
It's not under the right duct anymore.
Should we move it back? What, two, three feet, who's gonna notice? Yeah, you know, wait, wait, wait, somebody might.
You gotta figure though, normal course of events, tony will assume carmela moved it back or the maid.
If anybody even notices.
Make an executive decision.
Grab an end.
Easy, easy.
When hadley heard i was deferring a year, she was like, "well that's sketchy.
" Steve said eric scatin o hates montclair state.
And he's been doin g all this acid.
God, he was so straightedge.
Hi, caitlin.
Hi.
This is hunter, my friend from home i was telling you about.
Wow.
Do you like citron jell- o shots? Actually, i haven't had any alcohol in a week.
I know, i was gonna say we should go over to panchito's, but i remembered, bad idea.
I went over to the health center.
That problem swallowing thing? They gave me this prescription for buspar.
That's for like, anxiety, right? I guess.
There was like, this weightlifter guy on the subway today.
And he was eating thes e cacciatore chicken parts from this massive tupperware thing and spitting the bon es back in the container.
And the whole car reeked.
This poor blind man sitting next to him.
I mean, you could tell he felt completely invaded.
We all did.
Everybody just stared straight ahead.
New york.
Hey.
Where is everybody? What are you doing? Receipts f rom sunday's game.
You got a problem? What, ton'? I said do you got a problem? With what, ton'? I don't know, i heard maybe you got a fuckin' problem.
Like you don't like being here.
I like being here.
You sure? Yeah.
You sure? Yeah.
Don't say you're sure if you're not sure.
Who was telling me you bought your daughter a nice house after you came over with us? Yeah, that's nice.
Wonderful thing.
And your brother, a buon anima.
You've recovered from that shit there.
You put your grief behind you.
You put your grief behind you.
Let me hear you say it.
I put the grief behind me.
I'm gonna go get a coffee and a bun.
You got a younger son too, right? You oughta bring him up to the house.
He can hang out with a.
J.
We can get something to eat.
They can go in the pool.
We'll have to leav e this junk on the table.
Don't know where to put it.
Control, you hearing me? Loud and clear, leave the factory.
Roger that.
Wire's in, bobby.
I'm good to go.
Control, we're in motion.
We have left the sausage factory.
Touchdown.
Dig, soprano, c'mon, dig it! You wanted to jo in the football team.
You think it's all for show and not for go? Dig in, you chubette! You're out of there, george.
Unit three, we're in.
So, i got a job for you.
Right.
It might get a little messy.
I understand.
Wet work.
Alright.
I'll make it worth your while, don't worr y about that.
I'm not worried.
Look over here.
Minimization, The old one blew.
Flooded the whol e goddamn place.
I can smell the mildew, you know? So, lilliana say s you're an engineer.
I figured maybe you could rig some system.
If it happens again, some pvc shit or something.
So, if it happens again, you get the overflow and you put it over into the corner over there to a sump pump.
You chip out the concrete.
Yeah, they're no t discussing oc.
Two minutes, we're allowed to check back in.
What do you think? Whatever.
Well, how much? Time, materials.
I don't know how to concoct estimate.
Hmm, well.
Fair enough.
Let me get measure.
Get started.
Alright.
Hi, stasiu.
You gonna use this? You want it, take it.
No, you go ahead.
Go ahead, i'll use the bike.
I have to sort through meadow's laundry anyway.
She's gonna be here at noon to get it.
Lilliana's making her a leg of lamb to take back.
Back in lodz, i had grant from the state to do an autonomous research.
You got your workout clothes on, why don't you use it? I'll take the bike.
Jesus, already, no, you go ahead.
Stas said he could smell the mildew down here, right, stas? We gotta open these windows up, let the place dry out.
Got some russian girl coming in to take care of my mother.
Oh, yeah, where'd you find her? Agency.
It was good coffee this morning.
Vienna roast.
It's not as acidic as the italian.
Cleaned me right out.
What you need is more roughage overall in your diet is what you need.
I've had something stuck in my teeth for two days now.
Jesus.
You gotta use the other floss.