The Vicar of Dibley (1994) s03e01 Episode Script
Autumn
So, this is the first day of the honeymoon.
Ooooh! And who's that? Who is it? That's me at the airport.
Yes! And this is a nice woman we met on the flight.
She was a bit tired when we got to Turkey, so Hugo was ever so sweet and carried her case through customs.
Well, I think I can anticipate the next photo.
That's the customs opening the case.
How much cocaine IS that, Hugo? I'm told a street value of £84 million.
Impressive.
They let him go when they knew he was innocent.
Which was? Er, 14 months later.
I'd better go.
I'm meeting my post-traumatic stress counsellor.
Awfully nice chap.
Have to pretend to be a bit doolally.
Don't want him thinking he's wasting his time.
So, how's married life, little miss coke donkey? Everything all right in the bedroom? Nice.
We had a bit of trouble early on - couldn't quite work out what went in where.
Well, that's always tricky.
But once we got a wardrobe, we were fine.
I hope he doesn't go off me now.
Why would he, you strange little idiot? Well, I might lose my potent sexual allure.
I'm putting on weight - 4lb in the last month - that's a pound a week.
Is that right? -Yeah.
By the time I'm 50, I'll weigh 82 stone, which is more than a walrus.
I don't want to look like a walrus.
You haven't been sick, have you? Yeah, every single morning.
Well, in that case young lady, I think I've got some very important news for you.
I've qualified for the Vomit Olympics? No, no, no.
The truth is, my dearest little verger, I think you might be pregnant.
No, that can't be right.
You mean, you haven't? Nono! We've certainly played the odd round of hide the purple parsnip.
No no no, I've done the test and it said I wasn't pregnant.
The hamster didn't turn blue or anything.
I'm not familiar with this particular pregnancy test.
It's how we've always done it in Dibley.
You get a hamster, wee on it, and if it turns blue, you're pregnant.
Right.
.
-It's true.
Right -Yeah.
Hiya, Vicarage.
Alice Horton nee Tinker speaking.
That's nee as in born, not the noise a horse makes.
That would be ne-e-e-e-eigh! Who's calling? Oh, Uncle Simon! Oh, Simon you hav'nt Me, me, me.
Oh, I've got so much news, the honeymoon was Simon.
Hi! Haven't heard from you for ages.
Ever think of, er, dropping by? What, Saturday? This Saturday?! Obviously, I'll have to check my diary - just see if I've got any time at all.
Yes! It seems I have got a hole available.
Window.
Window available.
So, any idea what we, er, might get up to? You want to do what to me, sorry? I wou Get off! W-Wouldn't that melt? Oh, you think it would be nicer if it did melt? Yeah.
Yeah.
OK, well, can't wait then.
See you Saturday.
Bye.
A-a-a-a-a-h! A-a-a-ah! Do you know something? I think Uncle Simon might be quite keen on you.
Off-off-off-off! Listen, if you want any tips on how to attract a man, from someone who's got one Yes.
.
.
I have got one or two sure-fire seduction techniques.
Oh! Such as? Erm - you can't beat a nice pink anorak.
Hugo always love me in mine.
When I'm naked, Hugo makes me wear it Stop, stop.
No, no.
Too much detail, sorry.
Horrible mental picture there.
Just think, when you're married, you can go to bed together too, which is absolutely scrummy.
-So I'm told.
But it is'nt scrummy if you're not married of course.
Then you go to hell and all your bits drop off.
Well, not necessarily.
You know all that, all about eternal damnation and pneumatic drills in your brain if you look upon a man with lust.
Especially as a vicar.
God would probably have to strangle you with his bare hands.
Well Yeah, well spotted.
Good point.
Right, we got quite a lot to get throu so let's not waste any time, hey? Item one - apologies for absence.
No, no, no, no Yes, I've got one.
Who from? -Me.
But you're here.
Yes, I I am here now, but I'm not here at the next meeting.
Then you don't need to apologise until the next meeting.
But I'm not here at the next meeting.
I know, you send your apologies BEFORE the next meeting.
That's what I am doing.
I'd better send my apologies too - I'm missing the meeting after that, cause I wont be on that one Me too, I'll be missing the one next April.
There's a Captain Scarlet convention.
Stop right there.
This could go on forever.
I could apologize for missing a meeting in 2010, for God's sake.
Moving on Which meeting? What? Which meeting in 2010 are you apologising for? I'm not apologising.
Well, you should.
There's no point having a meeting if the chairman's missing.
I'm not missing it, you raving lunatics! I am not a lunatic.
I have the psychiatric reports to prove it.
A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour.
Allright, you are not a lunatic, but you are a famous idiot! Now wait a minute, Baldilocks! Hey, guys, calm down.
You're like a couple of kids.
He started it.
He did.
Beardy weirdy! Stop it.
Seriously, come on.
You seem to be forgetting we're partners here.
I'm always there for you, aren't I? My house is your house.
And I'd like to believe that if I ever needed you, you'd be there for me, wouldn't you? Ready and erect, at your service.
So no more bickering, OK? From now on, Dibley Council stands for friends, friend who's working together with support and love.
You know, Owen - for five years, I actually WAS in love with you.
And even today, when I see you on the farm .
.
in your wet-weather gear Moving on, Mr Chairman, double quick now! By the way, my brother's popping down this weekend - Simon.
Is he? Oh! Sunday lunch, if you care to join us.
Good, old-fashioned pork on the menu.
I think I may be having that on Saturday.
So what are you up to on Saturday night? Now Hugo's left me I'm all on my own.
Thought you might like to come round.
watch Lulu, play a bit of Scrabble.
No, I'll be busy working on my Simonsermon.
Pity.
What's your text? Erm, Sermon on the Mount, I hope.
Hello, Vicar! .
.
Hello, Daddy-o.
Sorry to barge in but we've got the most fantastic news.
You're getting divorced? No, silly.
Naughty papa spank bot.
The long and the short of it is, in short - we're expecting a baby.
Ah, that's brilliant! Oh, fantastic.
Alice! It's absolutely brilliant, isn't it, David? Oh.
.
, Look, he's so happy, he can't speak.
But I know that look for sure, That's his old "This is the best news I've ever had" look! Is it? Oh, yes, he's smiling inside.
Look - see? Fantastic news, Alice.
Isn't it? Yeah.
I'm gonna be a mummy.
I know! Naughty Laa-Laa, stop that or I'll put you down the toilet and flush.
Yeah.
.
it's worrying.
Erm, Alice, just something that's been on my mind You know, I don't think it is such a mortal sin these days for an unmarried vicar to have sex, just so long as she doesn't rub her parishioners' noses in it.
Rub their noses in what? - In the sex.
I'm starting to feel a bit sick.
Yes, yes Coming! That's romantic.
So's that.
I don't think it's going to be your sort of evening.
Ta-da! Owen! - Bloody hell! It's what you said at the last meeting, about us all being polite and civilised Yep.
I'm a rough, country type - these are all my favourite words, and you can tell me the ones I can still use in polite society.
Right, OK, here we go No, NO.
Nope Cucumber? -Yes.
Nothing wrong with cucumber, Owen.
What if you tell someone you're going to stick it up his backside? Allright.
.
That also goes for grappling iron and full-size ceramic doll of Sir Cliff Richard? -Right.
Moving on No, no, NO! And the last one So if that's all, I'm very busy, Owen, so Perhaps I'll see you in church on Sunday.
Hello.
-Simon! Erm What a surprise! I didn't expect to see you today.
I was just passing, purely by chance, after my unpremeditated return from Prague.
Yes, well, you have to come back later, She's busy don't you worry, I see to that he leave.
.
Well -Come on, big guy.
Nice to know when not wanted.
.
.
Good night, Vicar! Night, then.
Thank you, God, Thank you, God! E-oh.
E-oh.
Is Simon here yet? No.
Thank goodness.
What? I've brought a lovely pressie.
Oh, You shouldn't have Alice.
No, I mean it, you really shouldn't have.
Go on, put it on.
Hugo can't resist me in mine, can you, Hugo? No.
Come on, let's have a look.
It doesn't reallysuit me.
Oh, yes.
Most moist-making.
R-r-r-r-ruff! Ruff! Aha! I wonder who that could be! O' Don't get excited, knowing my luck today, it'll be Ann Widdecombe.
- Oh, Simon, come on in! - You'r gorgeous Mrs Horton.
Hello, Simon.
Hello, Nitwit.
Here she is.
-Hi.
R-r-ruff, ruff! Well, Hugo, time we left these two lovebirds alone, I think.
Thank you Alice.
We'll have a nice cup of tea in the kitchen till Simon is ready to leave.
Then we give you a lift home.
-Lift.
.
Where? Ah, To father's, that's were you'r staying is'nt it? Erm -Er, no.
Your Uncle Simon's booked into a hotel tonight.
We give you a lift there then, which one? I think it's a bit out of your way.
We don't mind.
-It's in Wales.
Wales? -Yeah, Wales, yeah, yeah.
I thought you were going to Father's for Sunday lunch? Yes, yes.
That's right, so tonight I go to my hotelin Wales.
Wales.
And tomorrow I come back again.
Come back.
It's a very good hotel.
Ah! Right.
.
So there's absolutely no need for you two to stick about.
Ha-ha! So you better go.
.
Night, then.
Righty-ho! OK.
No tongues.
So So! Beat it! So Thanks for dropping by.
Do you know any jokes? Cause I do, here is one, Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CDs? In I-raq.
No, sorry, that just didn't work at all, I'm afraid.
We'll have to try it again.
I've, erm, got some champagne in the fridge.
I'm told champagne's even better at altitude.
Is it? Even one flight of stairs can make all the difference.
Hoo-hoo-hoo! Right, I'll justget it, then.
No, no, ignore it.
I hate being a vicar.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it Hello! Sorry to trouble you, Vicar.
I was actuallyjust going to bed.
It's just that you said that Dibley was all about neighbourliness, and if we ever had a serious problem, we should come and see you.
Yes We need to see you now desperately.
Of course, guys, come on in.
Thank you, Vicar.
Make yourselves comfortable.
Right, then, guys Tell me what's the problem? It's seven down.
Seven down.
We've been struggling with it all day.
It's been hell I can tell you.
It's eight letters, first letter, P, and third letter, O.
Plodipop.
No wonder we did'nt get it of! I've never heard of it.
You need a pretty eclectic vocab to do the, er, Sun quick crossword.
Right then chap's No more problems, then? Well, my wife is having sex with her cousin Brenda, but that'll keep till the morning.
I think so.
Off you go, then.
Aaaagh! Sorry, it's just been a plodipoppy sort of a day.
Mohammed wouldn't come to the mountain the mountain must come to Mohammed David, let joy be unconfined! But I am not playing Scrabble.
No.
Plodipop? Yes.
Your turn, Vicar.
Erm Do you think, er, perhaps, you knowtime for bed? You know, it's getting on a bit We can't stop in the middle of a game Geraldine.
-Right.
.
Geraldine! Is there any chance of you coming to bed soon? I'm so sorry to interrupt, it's just that I've been waiting for this gorgeous creature for hours.
She wont tell you her self of course, she's your vicar.
She always puts your happiness above her own.
But I can't help thinking, on this one occasion, she might quite like you to go.
Yes, of course.
.
.
Frank, Jim, come on.
Need any condoms? No, thank you, Jim.
I always carry half a dozen, in case I get lucky you know.
.
I hope you know what you're doing.
I'm sure it'll come back to me.
Good luck, Vicar.
Here we go, just in case.
Thank you, Frank.
I think he'll make you very happy.
Thank you.
And if he doesn't, I'll have a go.
Thank you, Jim.
Sorry, I thought they'd never leave.
Oh, come on.
For afterwards.
Thanks.
# No matter what they tell us # No matter what they do # No matter what they teach us # What we believe is true # And I will keep you safe and strong # Shelter from the storm # No matter where # No matter where it's going # A dream is being born # No matter who they follow # No matter where they lead # No matter how they judge us # I'll be everyone you need # No matter if the sun don't shine # Or if the skies aren't blue # No matter what the end is # My life began with you # So.
.
You mean he stays the whole night? That's what I'm saying.
In her bed! Golly.
So where does she sleep? -With him! Good Lord! Seems all right to me.
For a vicar to have sex willy-nilly in front of her parishioners? I shouldn't think it's a case of willy-nilly.
Willy has got to be willing.
You can't do it with a willy that's nilly.
Be serious, Owen.
-I am serious.
on principal, I'm a great believer in sex before marriage - otherwise I wouldn't have had any sex at all.
Well fortunately, my memory is that Jesus was against it, which I think is a problem when we talking about our vicar.
Yes, but thing was very different in His day, women weren't emancipated, and they hadn't yet launched Minx magazine.
Good point.
I bet you and Alice were at it like rabbits before you were married.
Right, yes.
-What did I tell you? Hugo -Yes, well We certainly ate a lot of carrots together.
Well I'm still worried,.
.
there's something not right at all.
And I mean, Simon's just not -Rubbish! As long he's private about it, I think we should let her, and Simon and their love-making be OK, OK.
Although I wouldn't mind seeing a few polaroids.
So, time for bed? Let's have a coffee first.
OK.
Good idea.
Fancy some ice cream? Yes, please.
What flavour? What have you got? You don't want to ask that.
Why? Cos I just got myself a brand new freezer.
Yum, yum, yum! What do you fancy? I'll have that little one.
Oh? Please yourself.
You get a dinky little plastic spoon with that one.
Thanks.
So happy you're here.
I'm sorry, Gerry, but this just isn't working.
I'll get you a proper spoon.
I don't mean the spoon.
I meant us - you and me.
Ah.
Ah.
That's, erunexpected.
The thing is,.
.
It's been fantastic, but, er I think we've been taking it a bit fast.
I feel we ought to apply the brakes for a second, if you get my meaning.
Yes - I mean you're speaking English, aren't you? And I understand English, so I don't think meaning's the problem.
The thing is There is Was No, ermIS another girl in Liverpool.
Another girl? Yeah.
I thought it was definitely all off, but I've spoken to her a couple of times in the last week or so, and, I don't know, maybe I don't know.
-I think you do know.
But you're a custard, of the cowardy, cowardy variety.
I know, I'm sorry.
Why don't we just say that that was the autumn that was - let's see what winter brings? Yeah.
Either that or get out of my house, you treacherous, gigantic, elongated Bastard.
Er, but no - probably the autumn- winter metaphor is much nicer.
Much nicer for you.
-I'm sorry.
Yeah.
No, I think not.
Right, couple of announcements - one, we may experience some interruptions today because And two Sorry, why did you say we're going to have interruptions? I couldn't hear because of the drilling.
Yes, that's it.
What? That's the reason were likely to experience some interruptions , it's because I still didn't get it.
And two - I don't know if the Vicar will be joining us tonight, I haven't seen a lot of her recently.
No no no, your brother has! Yes that is just my point.
If she comes can I ask everyone to be discreet? At the last meeting she asked us to be polite and civilised, I think she was right.
-Here, here.
Ah, Vicar! You're a little late.
.
Tough titties.
Item one - apologies for absence.
Yes, I have a note from the last meeting to say that Jim can't be with us today.
Why can't I be with you? What have I done? No, you said you couldn't be with us.
I did? Where am I meant to be? I'll tell you where you're meant to be, Jim.
Where you said you'd be.
But no, you're a man, aren't you? You say one thing but mean another, raise our hopes, then dash them.
You promise us joy, then break our hearts! So you don't want me at the meeting, then? I'll tell you what I want Jim.
I want to find one man on Earth who isn't the spawn of Satan.
-Oh, Really! And you can shut it too, egg-head.
You're all the same are'nt you, your just a bunch of .
.
who should be force-fed Winalot up your nose till you die.
What is actually what I like to do to your oh-so-charming brother, who seems to keeps his brains in his .
.
frankly is the size of a button mushroom, so why don't you just? .
.
and the Krankies! Well, it doesn't take a genius to work out what brought that on.
You're right, it was Jim.
Honestly, Jim, sort yourself out.
Yes.
I'm sorry about that.
How are you? I think I've eaten a bit too much ice cream.
Oh.
How much? Oh, right! Well, I just thought I'd remind you, erm, that it's Sunday.
It's time for the service, and everyone's waiting in the church for you.
No, I'm not going there today, I'm not doing that, no.
Right.
Interesting.
OK.
Right Better get started on these, then.
Now, my fellow villagers, I think you all know why I've called you all here today.
It's about our vicar.
Yes.
she allready missed one set of Sunday service, It's important she doesn't miss another.
.
Could I just say? I thought Mr Pickle gave a lovely sermon as lay preacher.
Yes, Bravo,.
.
How he kept going for two-and-a-half hours was amazing! As I said, It's absolutely VITAL that she doesn't miss another Sunday.
I need hardly remind you, we actually lost a couple of the older members of our congregation during last week's service.
Don't worry, Frank.
They were going to die anyway.
And the fellow who yelled, "If this moron doesn't stop soon, "I'll kill myself" and two minutes later shot himself in the head - well, he'd been gloomy for quite some time.
Right, has anyone got any suggestions? I have one suggestion.
Mrs Horton.
Who? Oh, yeah! Um You know the series Walking With Dinosaurs? Yes.
Well, they recreated the dinosaurs digitally, just using a computer.
I thought maybe we could do the same with Uncle Simon.
Recreate him digitally? That's right.
Then send the digital Simon round to the Vicarage, so that he and the Vicar could kiss andthings, you know, and live happily ever after.
So your plan is that we get a holographic, two-dimensional human to marry the Vicar? Exactly.
Does anyone spot the defect in this plan? No, no, no.
Sounds pretty good to me.
All those in favour of recruiting a digital Simon for the Vicar, ASAP? One, two, three, four And if that fails, I do have a plan B.
-Oh, my God! Ah, yes, got 'em.
Go away! I've something to show you! If it isn't Simon's testicles on a skewer, I don't want to know! It's some pictures - I'll put them through the letter box.
Oh! Oh, Alice, they're beautiful.
Thank you! Oh! Oh! If you look carefully Mmm? That's a little tiny leg! Oh, yeah.
And that's the other leg.
And what's that there? Erm, that's another leg.
Oh, no, it's got three legs! No, no.
That's probably an arm, isn't it? Oh, phew! Some of these pictures are amazing.
You can see the baby really clearly in this one.
It's the spitting image of Hugo! No, that is Hugo, Alice.
That's one of your holiday snaps, isn't it, that you showed me? Still, apart from that one, they must have cheered you up a bit? I can't deny it.
They have.
Great.
So, any chance of you coming back to normal today? Ah.
I don't know about that, young Alice.
I've been thinking long and hard.
I can't imagine myself preaching about right and wrong afterwhat's happened.
Will you give this to David and the parish council? Yeah.
What is it? Just give it to them, hey? Lovely pics.
Thank you.
Mmm.
Telly-bye-bye.
Well, Gentlemen I'm afraid our crisis deepens, I have today received a letter from our vicar, tenderingher resignation.
What? Shame! We all know our instinctive reaction, but the fact is, we have had no services now for two weeks.
This is a serious situation.
I have photocopied her letter.
Please read it, then we'll all make up our minds.
Thank you, Hugo.
Are you sure this is the right letter? -Of course I'm sure! "Dear Miss Messenger "Forgive this unusual request, but my ten-year-old son David "would like a signed photo of you" ".
.
with or without top - you decide - he's a little scamp.
" Sorry, Dad, it's the photocopier.
He's a scamp! Calm down, calm down.
This is a very grave business.
I have read the letter and it makes pretty convincing reading.
Have a look and then let me know what you think we should do.
We have a very important decision to make.
Well, I think it's obvious what we have to do.
Sodid they accept my resignation? I don't know.
They just asked me to come and collect you.
Face the music in person, hey? Yeah.
Fair enough.
Let me just lay a line of Curly Wurlies in case it goes badly.
I want something nice to return home to.
They didn't want there to be any misunderstanding.
I see.
Right.
I get the message.
Thank you very much.
I suppose I'd better withdraw my resignation.
Hurray! However, I do feel that I need a real holiday, so I'm refreshed.
Fair enough.
-Absolutely.
So I'd like Frank to do another month of sermons, till November.
No! No! No! No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! No! No! Just kidding.
See you Sunday! Apparently, they've come up with a new, low-fat communion wafer.
That's good news.
Yeah - they've called it "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus".
Like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
Exactly.
Yes.
We should get some.
Shall I order them? No - because it's a joke, isn't it? What is? Wafers.
The low-fat wafers, they're a joke.
Are you sure? -Yes! I don't know, because, you see, a joke is meant to be a play on words, or a witticism, or a comic juxtaposition of disparate ideas to provoke a spontaneous explosion of laughter.
So what you told me can't have been a joke, cos I didn't laughat all.
Oh, sod off, Alice!
Ooooh! And who's that? Who is it? That's me at the airport.
Yes! And this is a nice woman we met on the flight.
She was a bit tired when we got to Turkey, so Hugo was ever so sweet and carried her case through customs.
Well, I think I can anticipate the next photo.
That's the customs opening the case.
How much cocaine IS that, Hugo? I'm told a street value of £84 million.
Impressive.
They let him go when they knew he was innocent.
Which was? Er, 14 months later.
I'd better go.
I'm meeting my post-traumatic stress counsellor.
Awfully nice chap.
Have to pretend to be a bit doolally.
Don't want him thinking he's wasting his time.
So, how's married life, little miss coke donkey? Everything all right in the bedroom? Nice.
We had a bit of trouble early on - couldn't quite work out what went in where.
Well, that's always tricky.
But once we got a wardrobe, we were fine.
I hope he doesn't go off me now.
Why would he, you strange little idiot? Well, I might lose my potent sexual allure.
I'm putting on weight - 4lb in the last month - that's a pound a week.
Is that right? -Yeah.
By the time I'm 50, I'll weigh 82 stone, which is more than a walrus.
I don't want to look like a walrus.
You haven't been sick, have you? Yeah, every single morning.
Well, in that case young lady, I think I've got some very important news for you.
I've qualified for the Vomit Olympics? No, no, no.
The truth is, my dearest little verger, I think you might be pregnant.
No, that can't be right.
You mean, you haven't? Nono! We've certainly played the odd round of hide the purple parsnip.
No no no, I've done the test and it said I wasn't pregnant.
The hamster didn't turn blue or anything.
I'm not familiar with this particular pregnancy test.
It's how we've always done it in Dibley.
You get a hamster, wee on it, and if it turns blue, you're pregnant.
Right.
.
-It's true.
Right -Yeah.
Hiya, Vicarage.
Alice Horton nee Tinker speaking.
That's nee as in born, not the noise a horse makes.
That would be ne-e-e-e-eigh! Who's calling? Oh, Uncle Simon! Oh, Simon you hav'nt Me, me, me.
Oh, I've got so much news, the honeymoon was Simon.
Hi! Haven't heard from you for ages.
Ever think of, er, dropping by? What, Saturday? This Saturday?! Obviously, I'll have to check my diary - just see if I've got any time at all.
Yes! It seems I have got a hole available.
Window.
Window available.
So, any idea what we, er, might get up to? You want to do what to me, sorry? I wou Get off! W-Wouldn't that melt? Oh, you think it would be nicer if it did melt? Yeah.
Yeah.
OK, well, can't wait then.
See you Saturday.
Bye.
A-a-a-a-a-h! A-a-a-ah! Do you know something? I think Uncle Simon might be quite keen on you.
Off-off-off-off! Listen, if you want any tips on how to attract a man, from someone who's got one Yes.
.
.
I have got one or two sure-fire seduction techniques.
Oh! Such as? Erm - you can't beat a nice pink anorak.
Hugo always love me in mine.
When I'm naked, Hugo makes me wear it Stop, stop.
No, no.
Too much detail, sorry.
Horrible mental picture there.
Just think, when you're married, you can go to bed together too, which is absolutely scrummy.
-So I'm told.
But it is'nt scrummy if you're not married of course.
Then you go to hell and all your bits drop off.
Well, not necessarily.
You know all that, all about eternal damnation and pneumatic drills in your brain if you look upon a man with lust.
Especially as a vicar.
God would probably have to strangle you with his bare hands.
Well Yeah, well spotted.
Good point.
Right, we got quite a lot to get throu so let's not waste any time, hey? Item one - apologies for absence.
No, no, no, no Yes, I've got one.
Who from? -Me.
But you're here.
Yes, I I am here now, but I'm not here at the next meeting.
Then you don't need to apologise until the next meeting.
But I'm not here at the next meeting.
I know, you send your apologies BEFORE the next meeting.
That's what I am doing.
I'd better send my apologies too - I'm missing the meeting after that, cause I wont be on that one Me too, I'll be missing the one next April.
There's a Captain Scarlet convention.
Stop right there.
This could go on forever.
I could apologize for missing a meeting in 2010, for God's sake.
Moving on Which meeting? What? Which meeting in 2010 are you apologising for? I'm not apologising.
Well, you should.
There's no point having a meeting if the chairman's missing.
I'm not missing it, you raving lunatics! I am not a lunatic.
I have the psychiatric reports to prove it.
A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour.
Allright, you are not a lunatic, but you are a famous idiot! Now wait a minute, Baldilocks! Hey, guys, calm down.
You're like a couple of kids.
He started it.
He did.
Beardy weirdy! Stop it.
Seriously, come on.
You seem to be forgetting we're partners here.
I'm always there for you, aren't I? My house is your house.
And I'd like to believe that if I ever needed you, you'd be there for me, wouldn't you? Ready and erect, at your service.
So no more bickering, OK? From now on, Dibley Council stands for friends, friend who's working together with support and love.
You know, Owen - for five years, I actually WAS in love with you.
And even today, when I see you on the farm .
.
in your wet-weather gear Moving on, Mr Chairman, double quick now! By the way, my brother's popping down this weekend - Simon.
Is he? Oh! Sunday lunch, if you care to join us.
Good, old-fashioned pork on the menu.
I think I may be having that on Saturday.
So what are you up to on Saturday night? Now Hugo's left me I'm all on my own.
Thought you might like to come round.
watch Lulu, play a bit of Scrabble.
No, I'll be busy working on my Simonsermon.
Pity.
What's your text? Erm, Sermon on the Mount, I hope.
Hello, Vicar! .
.
Hello, Daddy-o.
Sorry to barge in but we've got the most fantastic news.
You're getting divorced? No, silly.
Naughty papa spank bot.
The long and the short of it is, in short - we're expecting a baby.
Ah, that's brilliant! Oh, fantastic.
Alice! It's absolutely brilliant, isn't it, David? Oh.
.
, Look, he's so happy, he can't speak.
But I know that look for sure, That's his old "This is the best news I've ever had" look! Is it? Oh, yes, he's smiling inside.
Look - see? Fantastic news, Alice.
Isn't it? Yeah.
I'm gonna be a mummy.
I know! Naughty Laa-Laa, stop that or I'll put you down the toilet and flush.
Yeah.
.
it's worrying.
Erm, Alice, just something that's been on my mind You know, I don't think it is such a mortal sin these days for an unmarried vicar to have sex, just so long as she doesn't rub her parishioners' noses in it.
Rub their noses in what? - In the sex.
I'm starting to feel a bit sick.
Yes, yes Coming! That's romantic.
So's that.
I don't think it's going to be your sort of evening.
Ta-da! Owen! - Bloody hell! It's what you said at the last meeting, about us all being polite and civilised Yep.
I'm a rough, country type - these are all my favourite words, and you can tell me the ones I can still use in polite society.
Right, OK, here we go No, NO.
Nope Cucumber? -Yes.
Nothing wrong with cucumber, Owen.
What if you tell someone you're going to stick it up his backside? Allright.
.
That also goes for grappling iron and full-size ceramic doll of Sir Cliff Richard? -Right.
Moving on No, no, NO! And the last one So if that's all, I'm very busy, Owen, so Perhaps I'll see you in church on Sunday.
Hello.
-Simon! Erm What a surprise! I didn't expect to see you today.
I was just passing, purely by chance, after my unpremeditated return from Prague.
Yes, well, you have to come back later, She's busy don't you worry, I see to that he leave.
.
Well -Come on, big guy.
Nice to know when not wanted.
.
.
Good night, Vicar! Night, then.
Thank you, God, Thank you, God! E-oh.
E-oh.
Is Simon here yet? No.
Thank goodness.
What? I've brought a lovely pressie.
Oh, You shouldn't have Alice.
No, I mean it, you really shouldn't have.
Go on, put it on.
Hugo can't resist me in mine, can you, Hugo? No.
Come on, let's have a look.
It doesn't reallysuit me.
Oh, yes.
Most moist-making.
R-r-r-r-ruff! Ruff! Aha! I wonder who that could be! O' Don't get excited, knowing my luck today, it'll be Ann Widdecombe.
- Oh, Simon, come on in! - You'r gorgeous Mrs Horton.
Hello, Simon.
Hello, Nitwit.
Here she is.
-Hi.
R-r-ruff, ruff! Well, Hugo, time we left these two lovebirds alone, I think.
Thank you Alice.
We'll have a nice cup of tea in the kitchen till Simon is ready to leave.
Then we give you a lift home.
-Lift.
.
Where? Ah, To father's, that's were you'r staying is'nt it? Erm -Er, no.
Your Uncle Simon's booked into a hotel tonight.
We give you a lift there then, which one? I think it's a bit out of your way.
We don't mind.
-It's in Wales.
Wales? -Yeah, Wales, yeah, yeah.
I thought you were going to Father's for Sunday lunch? Yes, yes.
That's right, so tonight I go to my hotelin Wales.
Wales.
And tomorrow I come back again.
Come back.
It's a very good hotel.
Ah! Right.
.
So there's absolutely no need for you two to stick about.
Ha-ha! So you better go.
.
Night, then.
Righty-ho! OK.
No tongues.
So So! Beat it! So Thanks for dropping by.
Do you know any jokes? Cause I do, here is one, Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CDs? In I-raq.
No, sorry, that just didn't work at all, I'm afraid.
We'll have to try it again.
I've, erm, got some champagne in the fridge.
I'm told champagne's even better at altitude.
Is it? Even one flight of stairs can make all the difference.
Hoo-hoo-hoo! Right, I'll justget it, then.
No, no, ignore it.
I hate being a vicar.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it Hello! Sorry to trouble you, Vicar.
I was actuallyjust going to bed.
It's just that you said that Dibley was all about neighbourliness, and if we ever had a serious problem, we should come and see you.
Yes We need to see you now desperately.
Of course, guys, come on in.
Thank you, Vicar.
Make yourselves comfortable.
Right, then, guys Tell me what's the problem? It's seven down.
Seven down.
We've been struggling with it all day.
It's been hell I can tell you.
It's eight letters, first letter, P, and third letter, O.
Plodipop.
No wonder we did'nt get it of! I've never heard of it.
You need a pretty eclectic vocab to do the, er, Sun quick crossword.
Right then chap's No more problems, then? Well, my wife is having sex with her cousin Brenda, but that'll keep till the morning.
I think so.
Off you go, then.
Aaaagh! Sorry, it's just been a plodipoppy sort of a day.
Mohammed wouldn't come to the mountain the mountain must come to Mohammed David, let joy be unconfined! But I am not playing Scrabble.
No.
Plodipop? Yes.
Your turn, Vicar.
Erm Do you think, er, perhaps, you knowtime for bed? You know, it's getting on a bit We can't stop in the middle of a game Geraldine.
-Right.
.
Geraldine! Is there any chance of you coming to bed soon? I'm so sorry to interrupt, it's just that I've been waiting for this gorgeous creature for hours.
She wont tell you her self of course, she's your vicar.
She always puts your happiness above her own.
But I can't help thinking, on this one occasion, she might quite like you to go.
Yes, of course.
.
.
Frank, Jim, come on.
Need any condoms? No, thank you, Jim.
I always carry half a dozen, in case I get lucky you know.
.
I hope you know what you're doing.
I'm sure it'll come back to me.
Good luck, Vicar.
Here we go, just in case.
Thank you, Frank.
I think he'll make you very happy.
Thank you.
And if he doesn't, I'll have a go.
Thank you, Jim.
Sorry, I thought they'd never leave.
Oh, come on.
For afterwards.
Thanks.
# No matter what they tell us # No matter what they do # No matter what they teach us # What we believe is true # And I will keep you safe and strong # Shelter from the storm # No matter where # No matter where it's going # A dream is being born # No matter who they follow # No matter where they lead # No matter how they judge us # I'll be everyone you need # No matter if the sun don't shine # Or if the skies aren't blue # No matter what the end is # My life began with you # So.
.
You mean he stays the whole night? That's what I'm saying.
In her bed! Golly.
So where does she sleep? -With him! Good Lord! Seems all right to me.
For a vicar to have sex willy-nilly in front of her parishioners? I shouldn't think it's a case of willy-nilly.
Willy has got to be willing.
You can't do it with a willy that's nilly.
Be serious, Owen.
-I am serious.
on principal, I'm a great believer in sex before marriage - otherwise I wouldn't have had any sex at all.
Well fortunately, my memory is that Jesus was against it, which I think is a problem when we talking about our vicar.
Yes, but thing was very different in His day, women weren't emancipated, and they hadn't yet launched Minx magazine.
Good point.
I bet you and Alice were at it like rabbits before you were married.
Right, yes.
-What did I tell you? Hugo -Yes, well We certainly ate a lot of carrots together.
Well I'm still worried,.
.
there's something not right at all.
And I mean, Simon's just not -Rubbish! As long he's private about it, I think we should let her, and Simon and their love-making be OK, OK.
Although I wouldn't mind seeing a few polaroids.
So, time for bed? Let's have a coffee first.
OK.
Good idea.
Fancy some ice cream? Yes, please.
What flavour? What have you got? You don't want to ask that.
Why? Cos I just got myself a brand new freezer.
Yum, yum, yum! What do you fancy? I'll have that little one.
Oh? Please yourself.
You get a dinky little plastic spoon with that one.
Thanks.
So happy you're here.
I'm sorry, Gerry, but this just isn't working.
I'll get you a proper spoon.
I don't mean the spoon.
I meant us - you and me.
Ah.
Ah.
That's, erunexpected.
The thing is,.
.
It's been fantastic, but, er I think we've been taking it a bit fast.
I feel we ought to apply the brakes for a second, if you get my meaning.
Yes - I mean you're speaking English, aren't you? And I understand English, so I don't think meaning's the problem.
The thing is There is Was No, ermIS another girl in Liverpool.
Another girl? Yeah.
I thought it was definitely all off, but I've spoken to her a couple of times in the last week or so, and, I don't know, maybe I don't know.
-I think you do know.
But you're a custard, of the cowardy, cowardy variety.
I know, I'm sorry.
Why don't we just say that that was the autumn that was - let's see what winter brings? Yeah.
Either that or get out of my house, you treacherous, gigantic, elongated Bastard.
Er, but no - probably the autumn- winter metaphor is much nicer.
Much nicer for you.
-I'm sorry.
Yeah.
No, I think not.
Right, couple of announcements - one, we may experience some interruptions today because And two Sorry, why did you say we're going to have interruptions? I couldn't hear because of the drilling.
Yes, that's it.
What? That's the reason were likely to experience some interruptions , it's because I still didn't get it.
And two - I don't know if the Vicar will be joining us tonight, I haven't seen a lot of her recently.
No no no, your brother has! Yes that is just my point.
If she comes can I ask everyone to be discreet? At the last meeting she asked us to be polite and civilised, I think she was right.
-Here, here.
Ah, Vicar! You're a little late.
.
Tough titties.
Item one - apologies for absence.
Yes, I have a note from the last meeting to say that Jim can't be with us today.
Why can't I be with you? What have I done? No, you said you couldn't be with us.
I did? Where am I meant to be? I'll tell you where you're meant to be, Jim.
Where you said you'd be.
But no, you're a man, aren't you? You say one thing but mean another, raise our hopes, then dash them.
You promise us joy, then break our hearts! So you don't want me at the meeting, then? I'll tell you what I want Jim.
I want to find one man on Earth who isn't the spawn of Satan.
-Oh, Really! And you can shut it too, egg-head.
You're all the same are'nt you, your just a bunch of .
.
who should be force-fed Winalot up your nose till you die.
What is actually what I like to do to your oh-so-charming brother, who seems to keeps his brains in his .
.
frankly is the size of a button mushroom, so why don't you just? .
.
and the Krankies! Well, it doesn't take a genius to work out what brought that on.
You're right, it was Jim.
Honestly, Jim, sort yourself out.
Yes.
I'm sorry about that.
How are you? I think I've eaten a bit too much ice cream.
Oh.
How much? Oh, right! Well, I just thought I'd remind you, erm, that it's Sunday.
It's time for the service, and everyone's waiting in the church for you.
No, I'm not going there today, I'm not doing that, no.
Right.
Interesting.
OK.
Right Better get started on these, then.
Now, my fellow villagers, I think you all know why I've called you all here today.
It's about our vicar.
Yes.
she allready missed one set of Sunday service, It's important she doesn't miss another.
.
Could I just say? I thought Mr Pickle gave a lovely sermon as lay preacher.
Yes, Bravo,.
.
How he kept going for two-and-a-half hours was amazing! As I said, It's absolutely VITAL that she doesn't miss another Sunday.
I need hardly remind you, we actually lost a couple of the older members of our congregation during last week's service.
Don't worry, Frank.
They were going to die anyway.
And the fellow who yelled, "If this moron doesn't stop soon, "I'll kill myself" and two minutes later shot himself in the head - well, he'd been gloomy for quite some time.
Right, has anyone got any suggestions? I have one suggestion.
Mrs Horton.
Who? Oh, yeah! Um You know the series Walking With Dinosaurs? Yes.
Well, they recreated the dinosaurs digitally, just using a computer.
I thought maybe we could do the same with Uncle Simon.
Recreate him digitally? That's right.
Then send the digital Simon round to the Vicarage, so that he and the Vicar could kiss andthings, you know, and live happily ever after.
So your plan is that we get a holographic, two-dimensional human to marry the Vicar? Exactly.
Does anyone spot the defect in this plan? No, no, no.
Sounds pretty good to me.
All those in favour of recruiting a digital Simon for the Vicar, ASAP? One, two, three, four And if that fails, I do have a plan B.
-Oh, my God! Ah, yes, got 'em.
Go away! I've something to show you! If it isn't Simon's testicles on a skewer, I don't want to know! It's some pictures - I'll put them through the letter box.
Oh! Oh, Alice, they're beautiful.
Thank you! Oh! Oh! If you look carefully Mmm? That's a little tiny leg! Oh, yeah.
And that's the other leg.
And what's that there? Erm, that's another leg.
Oh, no, it's got three legs! No, no.
That's probably an arm, isn't it? Oh, phew! Some of these pictures are amazing.
You can see the baby really clearly in this one.
It's the spitting image of Hugo! No, that is Hugo, Alice.
That's one of your holiday snaps, isn't it, that you showed me? Still, apart from that one, they must have cheered you up a bit? I can't deny it.
They have.
Great.
So, any chance of you coming back to normal today? Ah.
I don't know about that, young Alice.
I've been thinking long and hard.
I can't imagine myself preaching about right and wrong afterwhat's happened.
Will you give this to David and the parish council? Yeah.
What is it? Just give it to them, hey? Lovely pics.
Thank you.
Mmm.
Telly-bye-bye.
Well, Gentlemen I'm afraid our crisis deepens, I have today received a letter from our vicar, tenderingher resignation.
What? Shame! We all know our instinctive reaction, but the fact is, we have had no services now for two weeks.
This is a serious situation.
I have photocopied her letter.
Please read it, then we'll all make up our minds.
Thank you, Hugo.
Are you sure this is the right letter? -Of course I'm sure! "Dear Miss Messenger "Forgive this unusual request, but my ten-year-old son David "would like a signed photo of you" ".
.
with or without top - you decide - he's a little scamp.
" Sorry, Dad, it's the photocopier.
He's a scamp! Calm down, calm down.
This is a very grave business.
I have read the letter and it makes pretty convincing reading.
Have a look and then let me know what you think we should do.
We have a very important decision to make.
Well, I think it's obvious what we have to do.
Sodid they accept my resignation? I don't know.
They just asked me to come and collect you.
Face the music in person, hey? Yeah.
Fair enough.
Let me just lay a line of Curly Wurlies in case it goes badly.
I want something nice to return home to.
They didn't want there to be any misunderstanding.
I see.
Right.
I get the message.
Thank you very much.
I suppose I'd better withdraw my resignation.
Hurray! However, I do feel that I need a real holiday, so I'm refreshed.
Fair enough.
-Absolutely.
So I'd like Frank to do another month of sermons, till November.
No! No! No! No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! No! No! Just kidding.
See you Sunday! Apparently, they've come up with a new, low-fat communion wafer.
That's good news.
Yeah - they've called it "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus".
Like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
Exactly.
Yes.
We should get some.
Shall I order them? No - because it's a joke, isn't it? What is? Wafers.
The low-fat wafers, they're a joke.
Are you sure? -Yes! I don't know, because, you see, a joke is meant to be a play on words, or a witticism, or a comic juxtaposition of disparate ideas to provoke a spontaneous explosion of laughter.
So what you told me can't have been a joke, cos I didn't laughat all.
Oh, sod off, Alice!