Travel Man (2015) s03e01 Episode Script
48 Hours in Seville
1 Mini-breaks are 50 Shades of cray-cray.
How can anyone go somewhere new and be expected to enjoy themselves without at least a decade to decompress? With no idea where to go, how to eat or what to do, it's impossible to stop the whole thing turning into a monumental fudge-up.
But lash yourselves no longer, for I, a man who was once mistaken in a Medieval siege for Richard Ayoade, intend to be the first person you've met who can actually help.
Forcibly chaperoned by a televised face, to give me the remote chance of relatability, I am going to drag you, howling, through a maxi mini-break.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, 48 hours in and roundabouts Seville, the sunniest city in Europe.
And to salvage what would be a steady, solo, soaking of low-energy sardonic remarks is comedian, actor and colossus, Rob Delaney.
I don't know this man.
'Together we will sightsee with mighty strides' Richard, not sure if you're aware, you're still walking.
'.
.
master flamenco' Gosh, this is hard.
It's like Black Swan.
'.
.
and re-stage the Three Amigos.
' Thank God for that crash mat.
We're here, but should we have come? Seville is most of the way to Africa, making a two and a half hour flight the only humane way to get there.
How's about that knife fight, eh? That was something.
How was the rest of the journey though for you? It was OK, but they made me pay for my tea.
Well, that's the jet for you.
But I think that these oranges in the trees are free.
Yeah, so maybe harvest some and try and offset some of the euro shortfall that you've already found yourself in.
Why Seville? Why have you taken me here? I'm going to tell you that now.
The Andalucian capital Seville is the fourth biggest city in Spain and its largest inland river port.
It's been ruled by the Romans, the Moors and for the last 850 years, the Spanish, of all people.
For those buffoons who like to get drunk on sun, Seville will scorch your back with 3,000 hours of sizzle a year, earning it the nickname The Frying Pan of Europe.
Frugal mini-breakers can secure a weekend here for south of 240 sterling.
But we seem destined to spaff more.
My prophecy becomes true, as soon as I swipe Rob's platinum card to book us in at the somewhat swanky Hotel Villapanes.
That's a shame.
The head height's good, but we are not shielded from the elements.
It's that sexy, Spanish arrogance.
Yeah.
There's probably not even a wellington boot shop in this goddamn place.
Let's haggle over the room.
There is a tiny differential between the two rooms.
I'm sure that'll be fine.
OK.
The hotel has 50 rooms and six suites and, because we are neither fish nor fowl, we've booked one of each.
OK, wow.
Yeah.
This is amazing.
I'm not sure whether this is the suite or the standard.
I have to imagine it's the suite.
I don't know.
Just know, I'd be happy here.
That's good for me to factor into my decision.
And it is my decision.
Very well.
Ooh.
OK.
This is very you, isn't it? Wow.
Very you.
It's not not a nice room, but I Thank you, you're welcome.
So, I'm going to leave you to bed in here.
The good thing is that window is very hard to fall out of.
So, there's no point dwelling on this.
Don't dwell on it, Rob.
To distract Rob from focusing on potentially divisive disparities, I immediately sign us up for a sightseeing running tour.
It's a little chilly.
Yeah, make sure that your nipples are warm before you do this.
Yeah.
Well, we're waiting for Angel.
I imagine that's some kind of stage name, but he's a runner.
Are those his children? I think so.
Angel is very fertile.
Hello.
Hi.
Hola.
Are you Angel? Yes.
Hello, Angel.
Hello.
I apologise for what I'm wearing, I've just come from a Stone Roses weekend re-enactment society.
Yes.
How many kilometres do you want to run? 20km? I think more than 20 would be dangerous.
One.
1km.
Thank you.
Let's go.
I'll stay behind, just to not embarrass anyone with the pace I set.
Angel will tailor tours to suit hardcore sprinters or shuffling sightseers, allowing us to eyeball several of Seville's most pertinent points of interest at pace.
Are we running by something important? Do you know what is this? I don't know.
It's the Cathedral of Sevilla.
I would have said Nando's.
The cathedral is the third largest in the world, out-sized only by St Peter's in the Vatican and Aparecida in Brazil.
Do you go to this church? Oh, yes, of course.
I get married here.
Really? Yes.
Wow! OK.
And how many people were at your wedding? Oh, 1,000 people.
There were 1,000 people? What! 1,000 people.
It's very, very, very big.
How many are you still in touch with? 1,000.
What's wrong with this place? Sickened by Angel's popularity, we head towards the Parque Maria Louisa, losing several runners who stop to reassess their own fractured relationships.
Richard, not sure if you're aware, you're still walking.
I know.
How fast am I! Making for a non-existent finish line, we plod into the Plaza de Espana, which you may recognise from cinematic masterpieces such as Lawrence Of Arabia and the film Attack Of The Clones.
As I hear the sound of Rob's right glut ripping, I call our running tour to a halt.
I must thank you very much for what's happened so far.
I have to go with him, cos I'm his employee.
It's good.
It's a beautiful city and a great way to see it.
OK, we'll see you later.
Bye.
Thank you.
You OK? Did you enjoy that? I really did.
That seemed like a scam.
Well, we benefited in that we'll maybe live five minutes longer, because of this workout.
But travel shouldn't be about prolonging life, it should be about endangering it.
Dos churros.
Churros are a Sevillian speciality and are cooked in a "rueda" or wheel and served with hot chocolate sauce.
Thar she blows! Good gravy.
That's quite surgical, what's happening there.
Yeah.
I'm pretty excited.
Yes.
That's fried.
That is big.
How is that? Really wonderful.
Yeah, this is what my arteries look like now.
Very likely.
And we're carrying on the British tradition of eating something out of greasy paper.
Yeah.
One of those last churros has lodged midway.
I'm going to try and dislodge it.
Are you coming? Yeah.
Oh, I feel nauseous.
Then, as a lifelong lover of timber, I finally fulfil my ambition to ascend the world's largest wooden structure - The Metrapol Parasol.
Known locally as "La Setas," the mushrooms.
This is one hell of a fungus.
This looks like a very large-scale craft project.
ROB LAUGHS It does look like it's made out of balsa wood.
Yeah, seems solid, though.
Conceived by German architect Jurgen Mayer H in 2004, the Parasol won a competition for ideas to redevelop the square it sits in.
The bold design is meant to create shade, like a less-good version of a tree.
This does seem like a very pleasing folly.
Yeah.
'Now that we've traversed a giant, artificial fungal structure, 'we decide to swiftly master an Andalucian art form.
' How do you feel about dancing? I'm just going to ask you, while we pan down.
Sure.
I like to move rhythmically when music is playing, but I wouldn't call what I do dance.
Oh, come now.
Andalucia is the birthplace of flamenco and lessons are readily available for beginners, as well as the experts we will shortly become.
Hello! Hi.
Overwhelmed by my powerful masculinity, Manuella attempts to teach us the fundamentals of flamenco.
One.
Now.
Sorry, I drifted off.
From the beginning.
OK, gosh, this is hard.
It's like Black Swan.
Yeah.
OK, here we go.
OK! Now, it's getting interesting, right? Hey! And right.
OK.
You didn't sound entirely convinced.
The dance moves I'm effortlessly expressing are known as "baile" and are mixed with "palmas," flamenco's distinctive hand claps and stamps.
One, two, three.
# We will, we will rock you# SHE SINGS IN SPANISH We will, we will rock you.
You've just abandoned me, at this point.
OK.
So, in Flamenco, if someone's weak, you just abandon them? Is that what happens? You just go to the strong person? Yeah.
But let's continue.
OK, left! This is different.
OK, stop.
OK, OK.
I grew up in Peckham.
When a brother like me is in this position, bad stuff's going down.
'Sensing that it would be fruitless to over-refine a raw, 'expressive, talent like mine, Manuella calls it a dia.
' Did she just call us chickens? Chicos, it means good dancers, man.
OK.
Do we get certification? Without certification this is worthless.
Nobody will believe us.
Can you get a certificate when the thing you learned most about is yourself? Yeah, I mean, that's one of the most important certificates you can get.
Cos I just really learned a lot about This guy.
Yeah.
OK, well, I feel I was undermined and I don't really need that.
I don't need to come to Spain to be undermined.
Let's get you some ice cream.
OK.
At a time when I would ordinarily be activating my home security system, the Spanish are heading out to eat comically-tiny plates of food known as tapas.
To ensure you cop the best chow with the coolest cats, you can book a guided tapas tour with an expert like Monica Gonzales.
She begins with one of my favourite Spanish cured meats, ham.
Very good.
The idea is you put the ham in your mouth, you warm it up for three, four seconds and then you start chewing.
And then you shall get a nice flavour.
SHE GASPS Could you describe it a little bit more now? Warm, melty, autumn.
Those are some words that come to mind.
OK, good.
Very good.
Stone-faced Monica produces a local cheese she claims is called "torta del casa.
" "Boom!" is what I want to say to that cheese.
There's a lot going on.
Then we waddle across the city for a "salmorejo," a cold soup.
It's got an egg in it.
Yes, you don't eat egg? No, that's great.
Do you know egg and? Can you recognise the other thing? I know egg.
Little bit of ham in there.
Yeah, exactly.
Years ago, when I was little, the topping was just for celebrations.
Mm-hm.
Say if you passed your driving test, you'd lob an egg in there.
So, Rob? I love it.
It's really good.
How do you feel about the fact that you are eating at quarter to 11? I feel insane.
I've not been up this late for a decade.
'Finally a Sevillano speciality, "espinacas con garbanzos," 'spinach and chickpeas.
' It's nice just to eat something hot for a little.
It's really nice.
I could probably eat 11 pounds of this.
Then you would be 11 pounds fatter.
Yeah, Rob.
'Despite his laughter, a volcanic argument soon erupts, 'in which many damaging things are said 'and we are forced to leave the bar and the first part of the show.
'Part two sees us, in a very subsequent way, 'barrel along like beatniks' This so looks like California.
On the way back, we could If you're going to say skinny dipping, I'm going to stop you.
'.
.
and show up for a showdown.
' GUNSHOTS Oh.
Well, that's excessive.
'We are straddling the central crack 'of our 48-hour Southern Spanish sojourn.
'The first 24 saw us run' Are we running by something important? '.
.
dance' Stop.
'.
.
and become massively Spanish.
' How do you feel about the fact that you are eating at quarter to 11? I feel insane.
'Day two sees me using my gnostic intel of Seville 'to seek out some choice confections.
' You look nice in this light.
Thank you.
I do need good lighting to appear like a human.
Now, we're here at the San Leandro convent, which is where they make yolk-based sweets.
I should warn you, I may combust in there.
Oh, I see.
I'm very virtuous, so I'll be OK.
'The nuns here are a cloistered order, 'avoiding almost all contact with the outside world.
' I'm going to ring the bell.
WOMAN SPEAKS SPANISH RICHARD SPEAKS SPANISH Demi kilo de yemas? They should institute this at Greggs.
WOMAN SPEAKS SPANISH Gracias.
I did not bring a crowbar.
OK I know.
Oh, here we go.
Well, thank you.
That's from a Renaissance recipe.
Mmm.
I like it.
I think they've focused on taste over aesthetics.
'Yemas procured, we head for another Andalucian attraction 'some distance from Seville.
' That's a small vehicle.
That's a fun little car, isn't it? Yes.
Wow.
Do you drive? I do, yes.
I only learnt to drive last week.
Yeah.
Well, then, since we're both fathers, maybe I should drive.
We can swap halfway through.
I've already broken something.
That's good.
Oh, flat of the hand, the turn.
ROB LAUGHS Here it comes.
'Our prolonged 400k trek takes us past Granada 'and across the scenic Sierra Nevada mountains.
'Their majesty awes us.
' Wow.
That's one pack.
I thought that was a multipack.
Oh, no.
I went in there expecting to take out smaller packets.
'Lesser men on such a trip might resort to sharing thoughts, 'life experiences, and hopes for a better world, 'but mercifully I brought my iPod.
' This is a very good air-drumming song.
It's very fast on the high hats.
Good stuff.
Oh, that's all I can do.
It's good cardio.
Let's work on some of the crisps.
OK, we can have one of yours.
Oh, this is good.
Hey-hey, a little Lost Highway.
I think when you go on a road trip, you want to Yes.
You want to invoke the spirits of both David Lynch and David Bowie, in the hopes that something magic and terrible might happen.
# Funny how secrets travel # I'd start to believe If I were to bleed That's very good vibrato on it.
Thin skies, the man chains his hands held high AS DAVID BOWIE: I'm deranged! I agree.
'Sierra Nevada literally translates as "snowy mountains", 'and Rob is gripped by a Proustian rush.
' This so looks like California, I don't know what to do.
Oh, look at that.
Oh.
That's very pleasant.
Depending on how the next phase of our trip goes, on the way back, we could Thelma and Louise If you say skinny-dipping, I'm going to stop you.
No, I was suggesting mutual suicide.
OK, that's I'd be more comfortable with that than skinny-dipping.
Oh, OK.
'Haunted by our sub-par Bowie impressions, 'we approach one of Andalucia's most popular attractions - 'Fort Bravo, a working film set AND Wild West theme park, 'which attracts 30,000 visitors a year.
' This looks alarmingly like my neighbourhood in London.
MUSIC: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Theme by Ennio Morricone 'It's an absolute Mecca for film buffs who 'misunderstand the word "Mecca".
'Visitors can explore the park by leg, horse and cart 'or go the full High Plains Drifter.
' MAN SPEAKS SPANISH Exactly.
Sounds good.
'In a bid to stoke interest in my pending Peckham-set Zorro reboot, 'I ignore my allergy to horses' These are very tight trousers.
'.
.
and saddle up.
' Have you been on a horse before? I have, yeah.
I have not been on a horse before, it may surprise you to learn, given my current mastery of this.
Slow it.
But we'll see how it pans out.
Fort Bravo was built in 1964 for the Sergio Leone film A Fistful Of Dollars and starred in several spaghetti westerns.
It opened to visitors in the 1980s and they've been flocking ever since.
Man, is it busy in this place.
Recent shoots here include Doctor Who and Penny Dreadful.
Where Sky Sports are based - in that shack.
ROB LAUGHS That's not where Rupert Murdoch comes to hide out? I wouldn't put it past him.
Yeah.
What's the name of this horse? Perla.
Perla? Perla.
Perla.
Apache.
Apache.
Rob, your one's called Apache.
Oh, that's fantastic.
You look at home on that horse.
Whoa, whoa, whoa I think I'm wondering if Apache is mad at me because I'm fat.
Apache, she does not consolidate negative body images.
My horse just managed to salivate on me.
I've got one minute left of my throat before it closes in.
I honestly can't speak.
'With my windpiping on the verge of collapse 'and Rob drenched in horse-wash' Whoa.
Whoa.
'.
.
I ripcord this mother.
' Well, that's further confirmation that I am indeed allergic to horses.
How did you leave things with Apache in the end? I mean, I think it worked out OK.
I will probably call him later to sort of unpack what happened.
But I don't think that he liked me.
Let's mosey on out of here.
I liked Ricardo, though.
He had eyes that have seen a lot.
He's a handsome cowboy.
The other one had a sadness that I couldn't put a finger on.
He's from Argentina.
Right, OK.
'Like the brooding heroes of yesteryear, 'we head to the saloon for a fizzy drink.
'The silence that greets us 'is caused by a mixture of awe, low season visitor numbers, 'and my inaudible but constant guffing.
' We should get served relatively quickly, is the good thing.
Yeah.
I'd like a Fanta And you? Dos Fantas, por favor.
OK.
Dos Fantas.
I also see you have Kinder eggs.
Two Kinder eggs.
And a pack of Orbit.
And do you have a Wi-Fi code? Wi-Fi? There's a kind of a sad atmosphere in this bar, actually.
I think we're contributing to it.
Let's see what the toy is.
Hey! It's a little It's a little dog.
You can change the hair.
There's very little assembly required on this.
I don't know this man.
MUSIC: Theme from The Magnificent Seven 'Twice a day, at no extra cost, 'visitors can enjoy a Wild West show.
' This is the American national anthem.
Yeah.
ACTORS SPEAK IN SPANISH Sounded like exposition.
GUNSHO Ooh, dear 'This afternoon's performance centres on some kind of robbery' He's got all the Milky Bars in there.
'.
.
and it's staged with the authenticity 'of a mid-90s sitcom dream sequence.
' HE SHOUTS IN SPANISH Oof.
Oh Thank God for that crash mat.
What are the odds? GUNSHO Well, that's excessive.
RICHARD AND ROB APPLAUD That's very good.
Very good.
Thank you very much.
I've done similar scenes myself.
Thank you so much.
'Emotionally drained from the horse opera, 'it's time to reflect on our time in southern Spain.
' At least we managed to nab this parking space before they all go.
Thank goodness.
Well Here we are, against a frankly overdramatic background to assess our time here.
How do you feel it's been? I've had a great time.
We ate a lot of ham, which is a major yardstick I use to determine if a thing was good or not.
It's the ham index.
By the ham index, it was a triumph.
'Ham contributed considerably to our total spend 'of ?520.
15 per person.
'A frankly petty price to pay 'for 48 hours rich in culture, adventure, 'and thinly-sliced meat.
' RICHARD SIGHS Well The weather's been good.
I mean, for the time of year that we're here - which we probably oughtn't to specify cos we don't have a broadcast date yet - but the weather is excellent.
It really is.
Overall I think this is a pretty good place to come.
Yeah.
'Next week - a watery weekend in Venice, with Jo Brand.
' It's a challenge.
Go on.
How can anyone go somewhere new and be expected to enjoy themselves without at least a decade to decompress? With no idea where to go, how to eat or what to do, it's impossible to stop the whole thing turning into a monumental fudge-up.
But lash yourselves no longer, for I, a man who was once mistaken in a Medieval siege for Richard Ayoade, intend to be the first person you've met who can actually help.
Forcibly chaperoned by a televised face, to give me the remote chance of relatability, I am going to drag you, howling, through a maxi mini-break.
This is travel without mercy.
Tonight, 48 hours in and roundabouts Seville, the sunniest city in Europe.
And to salvage what would be a steady, solo, soaking of low-energy sardonic remarks is comedian, actor and colossus, Rob Delaney.
I don't know this man.
'Together we will sightsee with mighty strides' Richard, not sure if you're aware, you're still walking.
'.
.
master flamenco' Gosh, this is hard.
It's like Black Swan.
'.
.
and re-stage the Three Amigos.
' Thank God for that crash mat.
We're here, but should we have come? Seville is most of the way to Africa, making a two and a half hour flight the only humane way to get there.
How's about that knife fight, eh? That was something.
How was the rest of the journey though for you? It was OK, but they made me pay for my tea.
Well, that's the jet for you.
But I think that these oranges in the trees are free.
Yeah, so maybe harvest some and try and offset some of the euro shortfall that you've already found yourself in.
Why Seville? Why have you taken me here? I'm going to tell you that now.
The Andalucian capital Seville is the fourth biggest city in Spain and its largest inland river port.
It's been ruled by the Romans, the Moors and for the last 850 years, the Spanish, of all people.
For those buffoons who like to get drunk on sun, Seville will scorch your back with 3,000 hours of sizzle a year, earning it the nickname The Frying Pan of Europe.
Frugal mini-breakers can secure a weekend here for south of 240 sterling.
But we seem destined to spaff more.
My prophecy becomes true, as soon as I swipe Rob's platinum card to book us in at the somewhat swanky Hotel Villapanes.
That's a shame.
The head height's good, but we are not shielded from the elements.
It's that sexy, Spanish arrogance.
Yeah.
There's probably not even a wellington boot shop in this goddamn place.
Let's haggle over the room.
There is a tiny differential between the two rooms.
I'm sure that'll be fine.
OK.
The hotel has 50 rooms and six suites and, because we are neither fish nor fowl, we've booked one of each.
OK, wow.
Yeah.
This is amazing.
I'm not sure whether this is the suite or the standard.
I have to imagine it's the suite.
I don't know.
Just know, I'd be happy here.
That's good for me to factor into my decision.
And it is my decision.
Very well.
Ooh.
OK.
This is very you, isn't it? Wow.
Very you.
It's not not a nice room, but I Thank you, you're welcome.
So, I'm going to leave you to bed in here.
The good thing is that window is very hard to fall out of.
So, there's no point dwelling on this.
Don't dwell on it, Rob.
To distract Rob from focusing on potentially divisive disparities, I immediately sign us up for a sightseeing running tour.
It's a little chilly.
Yeah, make sure that your nipples are warm before you do this.
Yeah.
Well, we're waiting for Angel.
I imagine that's some kind of stage name, but he's a runner.
Are those his children? I think so.
Angel is very fertile.
Hello.
Hi.
Hola.
Are you Angel? Yes.
Hello, Angel.
Hello.
I apologise for what I'm wearing, I've just come from a Stone Roses weekend re-enactment society.
Yes.
How many kilometres do you want to run? 20km? I think more than 20 would be dangerous.
One.
1km.
Thank you.
Let's go.
I'll stay behind, just to not embarrass anyone with the pace I set.
Angel will tailor tours to suit hardcore sprinters or shuffling sightseers, allowing us to eyeball several of Seville's most pertinent points of interest at pace.
Are we running by something important? Do you know what is this? I don't know.
It's the Cathedral of Sevilla.
I would have said Nando's.
The cathedral is the third largest in the world, out-sized only by St Peter's in the Vatican and Aparecida in Brazil.
Do you go to this church? Oh, yes, of course.
I get married here.
Really? Yes.
Wow! OK.
And how many people were at your wedding? Oh, 1,000 people.
There were 1,000 people? What! 1,000 people.
It's very, very, very big.
How many are you still in touch with? 1,000.
What's wrong with this place? Sickened by Angel's popularity, we head towards the Parque Maria Louisa, losing several runners who stop to reassess their own fractured relationships.
Richard, not sure if you're aware, you're still walking.
I know.
How fast am I! Making for a non-existent finish line, we plod into the Plaza de Espana, which you may recognise from cinematic masterpieces such as Lawrence Of Arabia and the film Attack Of The Clones.
As I hear the sound of Rob's right glut ripping, I call our running tour to a halt.
I must thank you very much for what's happened so far.
I have to go with him, cos I'm his employee.
It's good.
It's a beautiful city and a great way to see it.
OK, we'll see you later.
Bye.
Thank you.
You OK? Did you enjoy that? I really did.
That seemed like a scam.
Well, we benefited in that we'll maybe live five minutes longer, because of this workout.
But travel shouldn't be about prolonging life, it should be about endangering it.
Dos churros.
Churros are a Sevillian speciality and are cooked in a "rueda" or wheel and served with hot chocolate sauce.
Thar she blows! Good gravy.
That's quite surgical, what's happening there.
Yeah.
I'm pretty excited.
Yes.
That's fried.
That is big.
How is that? Really wonderful.
Yeah, this is what my arteries look like now.
Very likely.
And we're carrying on the British tradition of eating something out of greasy paper.
Yeah.
One of those last churros has lodged midway.
I'm going to try and dislodge it.
Are you coming? Yeah.
Oh, I feel nauseous.
Then, as a lifelong lover of timber, I finally fulfil my ambition to ascend the world's largest wooden structure - The Metrapol Parasol.
Known locally as "La Setas," the mushrooms.
This is one hell of a fungus.
This looks like a very large-scale craft project.
ROB LAUGHS It does look like it's made out of balsa wood.
Yeah, seems solid, though.
Conceived by German architect Jurgen Mayer H in 2004, the Parasol won a competition for ideas to redevelop the square it sits in.
The bold design is meant to create shade, like a less-good version of a tree.
This does seem like a very pleasing folly.
Yeah.
'Now that we've traversed a giant, artificial fungal structure, 'we decide to swiftly master an Andalucian art form.
' How do you feel about dancing? I'm just going to ask you, while we pan down.
Sure.
I like to move rhythmically when music is playing, but I wouldn't call what I do dance.
Oh, come now.
Andalucia is the birthplace of flamenco and lessons are readily available for beginners, as well as the experts we will shortly become.
Hello! Hi.
Overwhelmed by my powerful masculinity, Manuella attempts to teach us the fundamentals of flamenco.
One.
Now.
Sorry, I drifted off.
From the beginning.
OK, gosh, this is hard.
It's like Black Swan.
Yeah.
OK, here we go.
OK! Now, it's getting interesting, right? Hey! And right.
OK.
You didn't sound entirely convinced.
The dance moves I'm effortlessly expressing are known as "baile" and are mixed with "palmas," flamenco's distinctive hand claps and stamps.
One, two, three.
# We will, we will rock you# SHE SINGS IN SPANISH We will, we will rock you.
You've just abandoned me, at this point.
OK.
So, in Flamenco, if someone's weak, you just abandon them? Is that what happens? You just go to the strong person? Yeah.
But let's continue.
OK, left! This is different.
OK, stop.
OK, OK.
I grew up in Peckham.
When a brother like me is in this position, bad stuff's going down.
'Sensing that it would be fruitless to over-refine a raw, 'expressive, talent like mine, Manuella calls it a dia.
' Did she just call us chickens? Chicos, it means good dancers, man.
OK.
Do we get certification? Without certification this is worthless.
Nobody will believe us.
Can you get a certificate when the thing you learned most about is yourself? Yeah, I mean, that's one of the most important certificates you can get.
Cos I just really learned a lot about This guy.
Yeah.
OK, well, I feel I was undermined and I don't really need that.
I don't need to come to Spain to be undermined.
Let's get you some ice cream.
OK.
At a time when I would ordinarily be activating my home security system, the Spanish are heading out to eat comically-tiny plates of food known as tapas.
To ensure you cop the best chow with the coolest cats, you can book a guided tapas tour with an expert like Monica Gonzales.
She begins with one of my favourite Spanish cured meats, ham.
Very good.
The idea is you put the ham in your mouth, you warm it up for three, four seconds and then you start chewing.
And then you shall get a nice flavour.
SHE GASPS Could you describe it a little bit more now? Warm, melty, autumn.
Those are some words that come to mind.
OK, good.
Very good.
Stone-faced Monica produces a local cheese she claims is called "torta del casa.
" "Boom!" is what I want to say to that cheese.
There's a lot going on.
Then we waddle across the city for a "salmorejo," a cold soup.
It's got an egg in it.
Yes, you don't eat egg? No, that's great.
Do you know egg and? Can you recognise the other thing? I know egg.
Little bit of ham in there.
Yeah, exactly.
Years ago, when I was little, the topping was just for celebrations.
Mm-hm.
Say if you passed your driving test, you'd lob an egg in there.
So, Rob? I love it.
It's really good.
How do you feel about the fact that you are eating at quarter to 11? I feel insane.
I've not been up this late for a decade.
'Finally a Sevillano speciality, "espinacas con garbanzos," 'spinach and chickpeas.
' It's nice just to eat something hot for a little.
It's really nice.
I could probably eat 11 pounds of this.
Then you would be 11 pounds fatter.
Yeah, Rob.
'Despite his laughter, a volcanic argument soon erupts, 'in which many damaging things are said 'and we are forced to leave the bar and the first part of the show.
'Part two sees us, in a very subsequent way, 'barrel along like beatniks' This so looks like California.
On the way back, we could If you're going to say skinny dipping, I'm going to stop you.
'.
.
and show up for a showdown.
' GUNSHOTS Oh.
Well, that's excessive.
'We are straddling the central crack 'of our 48-hour Southern Spanish sojourn.
'The first 24 saw us run' Are we running by something important? '.
.
dance' Stop.
'.
.
and become massively Spanish.
' How do you feel about the fact that you are eating at quarter to 11? I feel insane.
'Day two sees me using my gnostic intel of Seville 'to seek out some choice confections.
' You look nice in this light.
Thank you.
I do need good lighting to appear like a human.
Now, we're here at the San Leandro convent, which is where they make yolk-based sweets.
I should warn you, I may combust in there.
Oh, I see.
I'm very virtuous, so I'll be OK.
'The nuns here are a cloistered order, 'avoiding almost all contact with the outside world.
' I'm going to ring the bell.
WOMAN SPEAKS SPANISH RICHARD SPEAKS SPANISH Demi kilo de yemas? They should institute this at Greggs.
WOMAN SPEAKS SPANISH Gracias.
I did not bring a crowbar.
OK I know.
Oh, here we go.
Well, thank you.
That's from a Renaissance recipe.
Mmm.
I like it.
I think they've focused on taste over aesthetics.
'Yemas procured, we head for another Andalucian attraction 'some distance from Seville.
' That's a small vehicle.
That's a fun little car, isn't it? Yes.
Wow.
Do you drive? I do, yes.
I only learnt to drive last week.
Yeah.
Well, then, since we're both fathers, maybe I should drive.
We can swap halfway through.
I've already broken something.
That's good.
Oh, flat of the hand, the turn.
ROB LAUGHS Here it comes.
'Our prolonged 400k trek takes us past Granada 'and across the scenic Sierra Nevada mountains.
'Their majesty awes us.
' Wow.
That's one pack.
I thought that was a multipack.
Oh, no.
I went in there expecting to take out smaller packets.
'Lesser men on such a trip might resort to sharing thoughts, 'life experiences, and hopes for a better world, 'but mercifully I brought my iPod.
' This is a very good air-drumming song.
It's very fast on the high hats.
Good stuff.
Oh, that's all I can do.
It's good cardio.
Let's work on some of the crisps.
OK, we can have one of yours.
Oh, this is good.
Hey-hey, a little Lost Highway.
I think when you go on a road trip, you want to Yes.
You want to invoke the spirits of both David Lynch and David Bowie, in the hopes that something magic and terrible might happen.
# Funny how secrets travel # I'd start to believe If I were to bleed That's very good vibrato on it.
Thin skies, the man chains his hands held high AS DAVID BOWIE: I'm deranged! I agree.
'Sierra Nevada literally translates as "snowy mountains", 'and Rob is gripped by a Proustian rush.
' This so looks like California, I don't know what to do.
Oh, look at that.
Oh.
That's very pleasant.
Depending on how the next phase of our trip goes, on the way back, we could Thelma and Louise If you say skinny-dipping, I'm going to stop you.
No, I was suggesting mutual suicide.
OK, that's I'd be more comfortable with that than skinny-dipping.
Oh, OK.
'Haunted by our sub-par Bowie impressions, 'we approach one of Andalucia's most popular attractions - 'Fort Bravo, a working film set AND Wild West theme park, 'which attracts 30,000 visitors a year.
' This looks alarmingly like my neighbourhood in London.
MUSIC: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Theme by Ennio Morricone 'It's an absolute Mecca for film buffs who 'misunderstand the word "Mecca".
'Visitors can explore the park by leg, horse and cart 'or go the full High Plains Drifter.
' MAN SPEAKS SPANISH Exactly.
Sounds good.
'In a bid to stoke interest in my pending Peckham-set Zorro reboot, 'I ignore my allergy to horses' These are very tight trousers.
'.
.
and saddle up.
' Have you been on a horse before? I have, yeah.
I have not been on a horse before, it may surprise you to learn, given my current mastery of this.
Slow it.
But we'll see how it pans out.
Fort Bravo was built in 1964 for the Sergio Leone film A Fistful Of Dollars and starred in several spaghetti westerns.
It opened to visitors in the 1980s and they've been flocking ever since.
Man, is it busy in this place.
Recent shoots here include Doctor Who and Penny Dreadful.
Where Sky Sports are based - in that shack.
ROB LAUGHS That's not where Rupert Murdoch comes to hide out? I wouldn't put it past him.
Yeah.
What's the name of this horse? Perla.
Perla? Perla.
Perla.
Apache.
Apache.
Rob, your one's called Apache.
Oh, that's fantastic.
You look at home on that horse.
Whoa, whoa, whoa I think I'm wondering if Apache is mad at me because I'm fat.
Apache, she does not consolidate negative body images.
My horse just managed to salivate on me.
I've got one minute left of my throat before it closes in.
I honestly can't speak.
'With my windpiping on the verge of collapse 'and Rob drenched in horse-wash' Whoa.
Whoa.
'.
.
I ripcord this mother.
' Well, that's further confirmation that I am indeed allergic to horses.
How did you leave things with Apache in the end? I mean, I think it worked out OK.
I will probably call him later to sort of unpack what happened.
But I don't think that he liked me.
Let's mosey on out of here.
I liked Ricardo, though.
He had eyes that have seen a lot.
He's a handsome cowboy.
The other one had a sadness that I couldn't put a finger on.
He's from Argentina.
Right, OK.
'Like the brooding heroes of yesteryear, 'we head to the saloon for a fizzy drink.
'The silence that greets us 'is caused by a mixture of awe, low season visitor numbers, 'and my inaudible but constant guffing.
' We should get served relatively quickly, is the good thing.
Yeah.
I'd like a Fanta And you? Dos Fantas, por favor.
OK.
Dos Fantas.
I also see you have Kinder eggs.
Two Kinder eggs.
And a pack of Orbit.
And do you have a Wi-Fi code? Wi-Fi? There's a kind of a sad atmosphere in this bar, actually.
I think we're contributing to it.
Let's see what the toy is.
Hey! It's a little It's a little dog.
You can change the hair.
There's very little assembly required on this.
I don't know this man.
MUSIC: Theme from The Magnificent Seven 'Twice a day, at no extra cost, 'visitors can enjoy a Wild West show.
' This is the American national anthem.
Yeah.
ACTORS SPEAK IN SPANISH Sounded like exposition.
GUNSHO Ooh, dear 'This afternoon's performance centres on some kind of robbery' He's got all the Milky Bars in there.
'.
.
and it's staged with the authenticity 'of a mid-90s sitcom dream sequence.
' HE SHOUTS IN SPANISH Oof.
Oh Thank God for that crash mat.
What are the odds? GUNSHO Well, that's excessive.
RICHARD AND ROB APPLAUD That's very good.
Very good.
Thank you very much.
I've done similar scenes myself.
Thank you so much.
'Emotionally drained from the horse opera, 'it's time to reflect on our time in southern Spain.
' At least we managed to nab this parking space before they all go.
Thank goodness.
Well Here we are, against a frankly overdramatic background to assess our time here.
How do you feel it's been? I've had a great time.
We ate a lot of ham, which is a major yardstick I use to determine if a thing was good or not.
It's the ham index.
By the ham index, it was a triumph.
'Ham contributed considerably to our total spend 'of ?520.
15 per person.
'A frankly petty price to pay 'for 48 hours rich in culture, adventure, 'and thinly-sliced meat.
' RICHARD SIGHS Well The weather's been good.
I mean, for the time of year that we're here - which we probably oughtn't to specify cos we don't have a broadcast date yet - but the weather is excellent.
It really is.
Overall I think this is a pretty good place to come.
Yeah.
'Next week - a watery weekend in Venice, with Jo Brand.
' It's a challenge.
Go on.