Trollied (2011) s03e01 Episode Script

Valco! Serves you right.
I'm quite nervous.
You won't beat our prices.
Can she stop that now? If you can get it anywhere cheaper, I'll come and cook it myself.
Red hot deals.
We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
Loads of 2-for-1s.
Service with a smile.
We have fresh produce.
Delivered daily.
Don't forget the Valco tick.
That way.
Am I getting paid for this? Valco I wasn't ready.
Weren't you ready? Valco, serves you right.
Valco, serves you right.
Exciting.
Heavier than you think.
I know.
Nothing says hottest day of the year like the trusty old summer display.
Just a suggestion but how about instead of sat down, we have Gavin stood up by the barbecue? Sorry, Gavin? Oh, it's my name for the mannequins.
Gavin and Julie.
Oh right, I wasn't aware they had our names.
I just think that Gavin would be taking charge and cooking the meat.
Providing for Julie like the powerful man he is.
Put quite a quite a lot of thought in to this, haven't you? Think I might set up my fan in my office.
Is there something different about you today, Gavin? Er, not at all.
Everything is normal and above board.
Are you sure? You look different somehow.
No, no nothing.
Yeah, I suppose I'm lucky in a way, the heat doesn't effect me at all.
I have superior body temperature regulation.
Do you never get hot? Not even when it's roasting? Nope.
No, and it's got the medical community baffled.
One doctor hung himself over it.
Sorry I'm late.
"Sorry I'm late, Head Butcher.
" I'm not calling you Head Butcher.
Kieran, take a memo.
For the attention of Gavin Strong.
Subject, we need to talk about Kieran.
Not taking a memo.
Morning, Kieran.
Margaret, I'm in the middle of disciplining him.
Ooh.
Sorry, Head Butcher.
You don't have to call him Head Butcher.
It's one thing being late, but being late on the hottest day of the year? With the amount of barbecue traffic we get here.
Oh, I'm sorry but I had more important things to deal with.
More important than meat? My Alan never likes it when it's this hot.
Oh, yeah? Not a summer person, is he? Oh, no.
"If I wanted to be this hot I'd set myself on fire", that's what he always says.
That's a bit much.
Oh, he gets so angry, Kieran.
Three summers ago it was so hot he destroyed the garden fence.
Why'd you have to make me walk? I'm dying here.
Lisa, we literally just walked from the car.
It's boiling.
It's there.
Breathe Colin, where on earth is your uniform? I'm in it.
This is m'new summer uniform, innit? Oh, get a top on, nobody wants to look at your tattooed little chest.
Really? Try telling her that.
She can't keep her hands off it.
We've got a very physical relationship.
Just cover up and get to work.
I'll see you at lunch, lover boy.
Yes, you will lover girl, get here.
Morning, Linda.
Still no Sue? No, still on maternity.
I'm dead bored on me own.
Well, I could keep you company if you like.
How many times, Neville? It's not gonna happen.
Right you are.
Ray, this is Dave, he's going to be joining you on the fish counter.
Alright, mate? No, no.
I don't need a partner.
I'm happy on my own.
Well, customer feedback says differently.
Apparently customers find you "intense, uncomfortable" Oh, and "effing weird".
But He's staying.
Is this all the fish then is it, Ray? Don't touch the fish.
Have you ever worked on a fish counter before? Yeah, yeah.
Worked with all the fish, me.
Cod all of it.
Nah.
I just said that in the interview.
So, how's this fish selling shit work? Get your fish! Come get your fish! Oh, please don't.
Get your fish, me lovelies! That's not how we do it! At this counter, the customers come to us.
We just wait.
Oh.
Summer, summer, summer time Summertime.
It's time to sit back and unwind Sit back and unwind.
Summer, summer, summer time Oh, the summertime It's time to sit back and unwind It's time to sit back and unwind.
What? Are you alright? You seem miles away.
Yeah, I'm Between me and you, I got the divorce papers through this morning.
Oh.
Right.
Wow, so you? So now I'm officially divorced and living with me mum and dad.
Woo.
There's nothing wrong with living with your parents for a bit.
I'm a grown man sleeping in a single bed with a Liverpool duvet.
Look, you need cheering up.
Why don't we go to the cinema? And maybe grab something to eat after? Yeah, alright.
There we go.
Take it from a head butcher, these burgers and your lamb kebabs are going to go down a treat on your barbeque.
Brilliant.
And I'll get young Kieran here to take them out to your car for you.
What? No you won't.
Wow.
See you later.
Sorry about that, bit of an attitude problem with my apprentice.
You'll take them out to the man's car.
I'm not taking them to his car.
You're taking them to his car.
I haven't got a car.
Weird fella.
Why wouldn't you have a car? What? So you and Kieran shagging now, are you? No, we're just mates.
Still? You don't want him thinking you're not keen, though.
Might wanna give him a blowie or something so he knows you're there.
Am I hearing right, Katie? You and young Kieran, going steady? No.
Look, there's nothing going on between me and Kieran.
We're just mates and he's going through a pretty messy divorce, so Yes.
I remember the state I was during my divorce.
Even thought about doing the old hose pipe on the car exhaust at one point.
But, er, she'd taken the car.
Still, look at me now.
Yes.
Free, single and very much on the market.
I got the rotas for you.
I see you've got the fan up and running.
Yes.
Gavin, I knew there was something different about you.
You've changed your hairstyle.
Ah, yes.
I was actually hoping nobody would notice.
Anna's idea, she thinks that having a right to left parting will make me look a bit more edgy.
But it doesn't suit you.
It's obvious this Anna doesn't know you at all.
Gavin Strong with a right to left parting? It's madness! Yes, I must admit, it does make me look a bit wild.
You look borderline homeless.
Why don't we just undo Anna's stupid mistake and get you back to good old left to right Gavin? I don't think Oh.
It's, it's Martin Shell.
Hello, Martin, how can I help? What? Now? Good grief.
Oh, no that's absolutely fine, yes.
Yes, bye now.
What is it? It's Head Office.
They're on their way over for a meeting.
What do they want? He didn't say but he said they'll be here in 20 minutes.
Maybe they've heard about the hairstyle.
Julie, I hardly think that Head Office are going to come over and talk to me about my hairstyle.
If they're not, they should.
Oh.
Afternoon madam.
I'm Neville.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, right.
I'm Cheryl.
Ah.
Lovely to meet you, Cheryl.
Lovely to meet you.
Yes, been to the old gym, I see.
Yeah.
Yeah, I like to get down there as much as I can too, Cheryl.
Like to hit the weights pretty hard.
Oh, Martin, it must be months.
Great to see you.
Gavin.
June.
It's Julie.
Yeah, I must say, this is very out of the blue.
Not got anything to hide have you? No bodies in the freezers eh, eh? Is this Head Office? Yes, Leighton.
Martin, this is Leighton, one of our bright sparks.
Nice to meet you, kid.
Yeah, alright on your way.
Sorry.
I just wanted to see if he was real.
Carry on, Leighton.
So Martin, where's Bob Leech? His "big leg's" not flared up again has it? Have you not heard Gavin? Bob Leech has gone.
Bob Leech? Sacked? Let's be honest, Bob was always a bit of a dinosaur.
You should meet his replacement - he's a bloody genius.
Richard! Get your arse over here.
Gavin, this handsome shit is Richard bloody France, the new director of strategy.
Hey.
Boom! Oh, oh, yeah, er Gavin Strong, pleased to meet you.
Sorry, I assumed that you were a customer.
It's just the flip flops.
Yeah, I like to freestyle with the wardrobe, chuck on whatever at the last minute.
He's a right bloody maverick, this one.
God knows how but we managed to poach him from T-Mobile.
Well, I love a challenge.
Someone's got to drag Valco in to the future, and it might as well be Richard France.
Martin, what is this all about? Shit's about to get real, Gav.
That's what it's all about.
It's what it's always been about.
Oh! Oh, good.
This is a reminder to all customers that the Customer Service desk is open.
If you have any questions, please pay us a visit.
Or if you just want a chat.
Linda, how was? Keep walking.
Fine, absolutely.
Oh, I need to sit down.
Oh, I'm sweating cobs.
What you been out for in this heat? It's roasting.
I've had to go an errand.
Here you are, Andy.
Oh, ta.
You've had her pick up your dry cleaning! In this heat!? I thought she'd like a little trip out.
She's exhausted.
You're not supposed to send old people out in the heat.
I thought it was the cold.
It's both.
Sorry, sorry, Margaret.
Here you are, sit down, love.
There we are.
Well, what could I do? Eh? A Head Butcher can't desert his post on the hottest day of the year.
Who's gonna run this? You? No offence but you can't even run a simple marriage, how you gonna run all this? You'll have to leave your post soon, won't you? If you're gonna make the big head office meeting? You what? Oh! Completely slipped my mind.
Gavin asked me to tell you.
Said they can't have a big meeting without their Head Butcher.
No, no, I suppose not.
Well, you'd better run.
You'll be late Right.
Go on.
Alright! Chop chop.
I'm going, I'm going! Are you alright, Margaret? Oh, I feel like I'm on a hot holiday, Kieran.
Right, come on, come stick your head by the meat.
It's nice and cold there.
There you go.
Go on.
There you go.
I just love summer.
It's like fit birds just seem to magically appear from nowhere, Leighton.
Look! Well, maybe they're like bears.
You what? Bears hibernate through winter and come out in the summer so maybe they're I saw it in Yogi's First Christmas.
Yeah, you seem to get a lot of your facts from Yogi's First Christmas, don't you, mate? It is my favourite film.
See, the funny thing about being in a relationship, a loving relationship, is that, that, not so long ago, would have just had me in the staff room toilet, just a-knocking one out.
Just like that, bam-bam-bam-bam-bam.
Oi.
Stop perving.
I wasn't! Did? I w Oh, my Leighton, tell her you dick! He wasn't.
I wasn't.
S'alright, I'm only messing.
Still, if you wanna look at anyone's arse, look at mine.
Oooh.
God, I love that arse, Leighton.
Yeah? I've spent hours on it.
Yeah? Days, Leighton.
Yeah? I'm just saying I've spent days on it.
Leighton Leighton! Spoiler alert, suits.
It's here in Valco green and white.
Joe Customer is falling out of love with Valco.
Sorry I'm late, guys.
Sorry.
Carry on, carry on.
Figures are down across the board.
Yep.
Absolutely.
Andy! So, question - What are we gonna do about it? Good question.
Andy! Can I just say, on behalf of meat, we are firmly behind this.
Sorry? Meat.
We think this is, we think this is great, very exciting and we're behind it.
I'm surprised more businesses aren't doing it.
You know, especially in the er, Far East.
Right.
And you are? Andy Richmond, Head Butcher.
Well, head of meat.
And senior member of the Butcher's Guild.
Gotta be honest, I think the Guild are gonna be in to this as well.
Great.
Sorry, Richard.
Andy, what on earth are you doing here? You You asked for me.
Didn't you? No.
He didn't.
Should I go then? I think that would be for the best, yes.
But the tie? That will be all, Andrew.
Right.
Sorry about him, he's just to I forgot my files.
Hair dye? Who's that for, your mother? Give over.
You can't be going grey.
A woman in her 20s? I've never heard the like.
I bet you say that to all the girls.
Only the beauties.
I know this might seem a bit forward but would you maybe like to come for dinner? I You know what actually, why not? It might be fun.
Steph? Tim? What are you doing here? I just moved back last month.
Well, that's mad.
It must be what, ten years? It's ten years, two months.
And you're? Is there a? Oh, no.
You know what I'm like.
Never managed to find the right woman.
Apart from that one time.
So, er, about our dinner? To be honest, we even looked in to the feasibility of closing this branch down.
You can't! Please, I'll do anything.
It's OK.
This isn't a cut for growth situ.
Closures are off the shopping list.
Oooh.
So what is on the shopping list? Hmm? Answer? Expansion.
I bloody love the visuals on this.
You've really gone to town, good work, France.
Back atcha, Shelly.
Boom! Expansion.
Martin came to me and he said, "Richard, Valco needs to be a big player again, how do we do it?" Well, we could think about Sorry, it's not actually an open Q&A yet.
In retail, big is the new small, right? So how do we make Valco not just bigger but better? Circles! He's doing circles now.
I mean this guy is! We took these core brand cornerstones and combined them to make Valco bigger, better.
Which then we shortened to Valco Better.
You bastard, Kieran! How was your meeting? Go well, did it? No, it didn't.
I looked like a bloody idiot in there.
I like your folders.
Where did you get them? I thought they'd make me look professional.
Are they empty? Yes.
Did you get a pencil case to go with them? Oh, don't be stupid.
You should, all stationery's half price.
It's back to school.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, very good.
Now, laugh all you want, you have just earned yourself a written warning.
Oh, shit! Kieran failure to respect his Head Butcher mockery and Oh, this pen has gone.
Ha! He has got a pencil case.
Peppa Pig? What? I'm a butcher! Alright, you know what, forget the pen.
Forget the pen it's a verbal warning.
Consider yourself verbally warned.
Fair enough, yeah.
Can I borrow your ruler? Oh, shit! Valco Better is a brand new shopping experience.
It's a totally new approach to customer service.
Now we've been through every branch and decided that the first flagship Valco Better should be Fuck! Fuck! Zooming in from outer space! I love it! Warrington.
Oh, yes! Yeah, last place I worked were this factory.
And I got my hand trapped in the machinery and it just took it off.
Gross.
That's awesome, mate.
What, so y-you've got no hand? Nope.
Do you wanna see it? I'll have a look.
Yeah.
Yes.
It's a fish! A fish.
I'm gonna piss myself.
That's awesome, pal.
C'mon, give us a kiss.
Get off! Get off! What are you doing? Just playing with the Don't.
Better be getting back.
I'm gonna get off.
Yeah, see ya in a bit.
Oh.
Emma? Yeah, why are you calling? Yeah, yeah, I know.
Well, of course it's final, that's what divorces are.
No, don't Look, I've gotta go.
Sorry about that.
I'm on top of the moon.
I keep pinching myself to make sure it isn't a dream.
I'm not just saying that.
Look - it's scarring.
Wow.
Everyone, I want you to take a look at this display.
Cos this is the stuff of Valco past.
Mannequins as marketing tools.
I mean, what is this, 2009? No, this is exactly what Valco Better isn't.
Just get rid of it.
What, you don't think it has a certain charm? Yeah, sure.
Like a tea room or a gramophone.
I told you, eh? This guy! Bloody genius! See you later, Gavin.
June.
Oh, it's Julie, actually.
Oh, Gavin! Can you believe it? Valco Better? Finally, all our hard work's paid off.
Yes.
You don't think it looks cheap, do you? I think it looks great.
It's just a shame that Gavin and Julie didn't manage to have children whilst they still could.
Right.
Movie first or eat first? You what? Cinema, tonight? Oh, damn.
Do you mind if we don't? What's the matter? I've just had a really shit day, is all.
I know.
I'm just trying to cheer you up.
Another night.
Don't do me any favours, Kieran.
Can we not do this, please? I've had Emma on the phone all day giving me crap about the divorce.
Sorry.
I just need to be on my own.
Y'know? Mm-hm, yeah.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Yeah.
Whatever.