Two and a Half Men s03e01 Episode Script
Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
I'm sure she's a lovely girl, Mom but I have a strict policy against blind dates.
Yes, I know I'm not God's gift to women, but nevertheless.
Oh, come on, how do you know what she can suck through a garden hose? It doesn't matter, the policy stands.
Okay, bye.
You know, while I applaud your blind date policy I would encourage you to consider a garden hose exemption.
I'm sorry, but you remember the last time I let Mom fix me up.
Oh, yeah, the enema freak.
She was a colonic irrigation therapist.
Tomato, tomahto.
You still wound up with five gallons of coffee up your keister.
Not a pleasant memory.
Oh, I can't remember it without chuckling.
These days they'll open a Starbucks anywhere.
- Are you done? - No, wait, one more.
You had the Venti nonfat crap-puccino with extra foam.
No, okay, I'm done.
So, what's wrong with the TV? The storm last night messed up the satellite dish.
I'll call the guy on Monday.
That's your answer for everything.
"Call the guy.
" Not for everything.
Often, I'll call the girl.
Of course there was the one time that the girl turned out to be the guy.
Needless to say, I got a full cash refund.
You don't have to call the guy this time.
You adjust the dish till the signal clears up.
Which is what the guy will do on Monday.
But Jake is coming tonight.
Do you wanna listen to him complain about the TV all weekend? I can deal with Jake.
It's your whining that makes me wanna hang myself.
Come on, help me get the ladder.
I'll go up on the roof and we'll fix it in five minutes.
I have a ladder? How did I get a ladder? For the life of me, I can't remember buying a ladder.
Well, apparently you did.
But why? - And how did I get it home? - I really couldn't tell you.
Did I rent a truck? Who knows? I'm telling you, we got a real mystery on our hands.
Yeah, it's a puzzler.
Now, I'm gonna go up and adjust the dish and you go look at the TV and tell me when the picture improves.
All right.
I still think we should call the guy.
Will you forget the guy? I'm the guy.
- Charlie.
- Yeah? There's a pair of panties up here.
Of course, the ladder.
- Alan, mystery solved.
- What? Never mind.
Focus on the job at hand.
- Are you watching the TV? - Y es.
How does it look now? It's a little better.
How about now? No, no, no.
That's worse.
- Move it the other way.
- What? I said, move it the other way.
- There, there, there.
That's perfect.
- What? I said that's perfect.
Great.
Coming down.
Did you say something? I told you.
We should have called the guy.
Oh, you wanna flip me the bird, but the poor little fellow can't fly.
Just help me lie down.
- There is a bright side here, you know.
- Oh, really? Really? And what might the bright side be? Handicapped parking? Pity sex? You know, I can see there's gonna be no talking to you about this.
Oh, do me a favor and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.
How come? Look at me, Charlie.
I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills.
Does that spell weekend dad to you? Actually, to me it spells: "Weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts.
" But that's a whole other story.
Look, I got no plans for the weekend.
I could take care of Jake.
- Bangkok? - It was the '80s.
A simpler time.
The dollar was strong.
I was looking forward to hanging out with the knucklehead.
Let him come over.
I can't help you.
What will you do all weekend? I don't know.
Hey, maybe I'll get a chute.
We could play Chutes and Ladders.
You see.
See, that's why I want Jake here.
He has a sense of humor.
Oh, all right.
If you think you can handle it.
Don't worry, I got everything covered.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Is there anything I can do for you now? Well, I gotta pee.
Yeah, so? So I can't undo my pants or anything.
Where are we headed with this, Alan? You said you'd help me.
I was thinking like I could make you a sandwich.
- Charlie! - Hey, I am not reaching into your pants.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Go stand in the surf.
Come on, grow up.
- Where are you going? - T o the bathroom.
Now, come on and unzip me.
Just like that? Right to it? No dinner? No movie? Charlie! Hold on.
Coming.
Holy God.
Charlie, can you get the door? Charlie? Hang on.
Charlie! Oh, great, I think I just punctured a lung.
"Don't worry, Alan.
I've got everything covered.
" I'm coming.
You need to start your report this weekend.
Why? It's not due till next Wednesday.
- I've plenty of time.
- You said that last time.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
I think you're getting senile.
Watch your mouth, young man.
I can't watch it.
It's under my nose.
- Hello.
- What happened to you? Well, most recently, I was hit in the head by a door.
But before that, I was fixing the satellite dish on the roof and I kind of fell.
Why didn't you just call the guy? For God's sake, Alan, how do you intend to look after him this weekend? I am in excruciating pain, but I appreciate your concern.
Oh, well, you could've picked up a phone and given me a heads up.
Pick up the phone? Judith, I needed barbecue tongs to take a leak.
Can you look after Jake or not? - Charlie said he'd look after him.
- Like hell.
There's no way I'll let your degenerate brother be responsible for my son.
Sure, don't ask me what I want.
Just boss me around like you're my boss or something.
Charlie will be fine.
Have a good weekend.
Thanks.
You too.
Hey, can we go out to dinner tonight? Do I look like I'm in any shape to go to dinner? I don't know.
I'm not a doctor.
- The answer is no.
- Okay.
Then can we go to the video store and rent the new "Final Fantasy"? Jake, I hurt myself.
I'm in a lot of pain.
So? When I took a soccer ball to the nads, I was in a lot of pain and all my coach said was, "Walk it off.
" Well, you can't just walk this off.
Not with that attitude.
Hey, there he is.
How's it going, buddy? My life stinks.
Cheer up, you're still a kid.
It's gonna get much worse.
- Where have you been? - Taking a nap.
- Why? - I find it refreshes me.
You said you were gonna take care of everything.
Yeah, so? So while you were sleeping, I had to answer the door.
Do you realize how petty you sound right now? - Relax, lie down, I got it covered.
- No, you don't.
Nothing is covered.
It's all coverless.
Now, there is a life that stinks.
What's the agenda? What do you want? - I wanna go out to dinner.
- Yeah, well, I want my own talk show.
You'll eat what we've got.
Why can't we go out? Alan, I can't deal with this.
Talk to your son.
That's it? You're done covering? I didn't know he was gonna be impossible.
- Don't talk about me like I'm not here.
- Keep yapping and you won't be.
- Charlie, just take him to dinner.
- Why should I? He's not gonna shut up till he gets it.
That's true.
I'll drive you crazy.
Yeah, well, do your worst.
If we go out to dinner, there's nothing to clean up.
We're not going out.
- You usually wanna go out to dinner.
- Not tonight.
You're not punishing me, you're just punishing yourself.
Back off, bobblehead.
Oh, come on, it'll be fun.
- We're not going.
- Why not? - This conversation's over.
- Not if I keep talking.
So where do you wanna eat? Clucky's.
What's Clucky's? Zesty fire-roasted chicken with Grandma Clucky's secret herbs and spices.
All right, where is it? There's several convenient locations.
Like where? I don't know.
I just sit in the car.
I've never seen a Clucky's here.
- How about a pizza? - No.
- Burgers? - No.
Sushi? - Italian? Chinese? - No.
- Clucky's? - No.
You're not even listening.
I mean yes.
Clucky's.
I'm not driving all over the city hoping to stumble across a Clucky's.
This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.
No kidding.
Where are we anyway? It's called Watts.
Hurry up and finish your chicken.
I like the Cajun Clucky's better.
Good for you.
- Can I go back and get Cajun Clucky's? - No, eat what you got.
- But I like the Cajun Clucky's.
- Why did you order the regular Clucky's? Because I forgot I like the Cajun Clucky's.
Oh, just eat the freaking chicken.
Fine.
Why do you say freaking? I know what you mean.
- I'm not a little kid anymore.
- Eat.
Don't talk.
Eat! What's up? I gotta pee.
Charlie, get the tongs.
Charlie? Gotta pee, gotta pee, Gotta pee, pee, pee Gotta pee, pee, pee Gotta pee, gotta pee, Gotta pee, pee, pee, gotta pee Alan, I've got somebody who wants to meet you.
Not a good time, Mom.
Y es, I can see that.
Are you all right? No, not really.
Oh, my poor baby.
Well, anyway, Mona, Alan.
Alan, Mona.
Hi, Mona.
Hello.
What happened to you? I was fixing a satellite dish and I fell off the roof.
Well, why didn't you just call the guy? You wanna know why I didn't call the guy? I'll tell you why I didn't call the guy.
Because you don't need to call the guy.
It's a simple adjustment that any idiot can do.
And, yes, I know, this idiot fell off the roof but it was after I fixed it all by myself, no guy.
Okay, the ice has been broken.
I'll just give you Mona's number and you can call her some time when it's more convenient.
Come along, dear.
Do you just stay awake nights trying to think of new ways to embarrass me? Still gotta pee.
Oh, God.
Oh, what the hell.
Oh, yeah.
The Cajun Clucky's is way better.
I'll notify Zagats.
Before we stop at the video store, can we get ice cream? - Who said we're stopping? - I wanna rent the new "Final Fantasy.
" Y eah, well, I want my $80,000 Mercedes not to smell like chicken.
But life is full of little disappointments.
Okay, forget the ice cream.
We'll just stop at the video store.
Jake, I'm tired, I've got a headache.
I just paid $100 to get my car back from the "chicken valet.
" And I wanna go home.
Please? I'm sorry.
What part of no did you not understand? The "nnn" or the "ooo"? How about if we stop in front of the store I'll run in, get the video game, and you wait in the car? How about we stop by the video store and I just stuff you through the return slot? I wouldn't fit.
Try me.
Oh, come on, it will only take a minute.
You might be able to bully your parents into doing whatever you want but when I say no, that's it.
Okay.
Then I guess I won't have a video game to play this weekend.
Exactly.
You'll find something else to do.
Right.
It will just be you and me.
- They're all out of "Final Fantasy.
" - So get something else.
But I want "Final Fantasy.
" Are you telling me that out of this store thousands of movies and video games, there's nothing here that interests you? You're not gonna like the answer.
I'm having chest pains.
You're giving me chest pains.
I bet they have "Final Fantasy" at another store.
You want a final fantasy? Close your eyes and imagine yourself flying across a freaking video store because that's what's about to happen.
Again with the freaking.
Excuse me, but did I hear you say you were looking for "Final Fantasy"? I was about to return one, you can have it.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Oh, he's really something, isn't he? - Oh, yeah, he's something.
The question is, what? I have a boy his age.
- Single mom.
- Single uncle.
- Betsy.
- Charlie.
- Jake.
- Nobody asked you.
Betsy, maybe we can get the boys together for a little play date some time.
I don't want a play date with some stupid kid just so you can have sex with her.
Isn't he something? Yeah.
Well, it was nice meeting you.
Bye-bye.
What? Are you happy? Pretty much.
You? Hello.
"Controlled substance.
Do not exceed one pill every six hours.
" Yeah, right.
What fresh childproof hell is this? Come on, you bastard.
Yes.
- What are we doing? - I'm taking you back to your mother.
Why? Why? I'll tell you why.
Because you're no fun anymore.
Because the whole "isn't he cute" thing is over.
I tell you, if this is a prelude to what you'll be as a teenager then we've got a serious problem.
Whatever.
You see, right there, that attitude does not fly with me.
Whatever.
God, I hope that's the chicken.
She's not home.
Do not "ha-ha" me.
Never "ha-ha" me.
Judith, come get your kid.
Don't hide behind the couch.
I can see you, Judith.
Hey, how about some ice cream? Sure.
Listen, I'm sorry I lost my temper.
Sorry you slipped in dog crap chasing me.
Thank you.
Now, you know that I love you but we gotta be clear on a couple of things.
I get that you're growing up, your body's changing your emotions are in flux.
But the important thing you need to keep in mind is that I don't care.
When you're in my house, when you're out with me and especially when we're around women you will be adorable, got it? I'm trying to concentrate.
Don't shush me.
Never shush me.
Whatever.
Please be the chicken.
Pour me one of those, will you? You know, mixing those pills with alcohol is a really bad idea.
Not if you're trying to die.
Hey, how many of those pills you got left? SDl Media Group
Yes, I know I'm not God's gift to women, but nevertheless.
Oh, come on, how do you know what she can suck through a garden hose? It doesn't matter, the policy stands.
Okay, bye.
You know, while I applaud your blind date policy I would encourage you to consider a garden hose exemption.
I'm sorry, but you remember the last time I let Mom fix me up.
Oh, yeah, the enema freak.
She was a colonic irrigation therapist.
Tomato, tomahto.
You still wound up with five gallons of coffee up your keister.
Not a pleasant memory.
Oh, I can't remember it without chuckling.
These days they'll open a Starbucks anywhere.
- Are you done? - No, wait, one more.
You had the Venti nonfat crap-puccino with extra foam.
No, okay, I'm done.
So, what's wrong with the TV? The storm last night messed up the satellite dish.
I'll call the guy on Monday.
That's your answer for everything.
"Call the guy.
" Not for everything.
Often, I'll call the girl.
Of course there was the one time that the girl turned out to be the guy.
Needless to say, I got a full cash refund.
You don't have to call the guy this time.
You adjust the dish till the signal clears up.
Which is what the guy will do on Monday.
But Jake is coming tonight.
Do you wanna listen to him complain about the TV all weekend? I can deal with Jake.
It's your whining that makes me wanna hang myself.
Come on, help me get the ladder.
I'll go up on the roof and we'll fix it in five minutes.
I have a ladder? How did I get a ladder? For the life of me, I can't remember buying a ladder.
Well, apparently you did.
But why? - And how did I get it home? - I really couldn't tell you.
Did I rent a truck? Who knows? I'm telling you, we got a real mystery on our hands.
Yeah, it's a puzzler.
Now, I'm gonna go up and adjust the dish and you go look at the TV and tell me when the picture improves.
All right.
I still think we should call the guy.
Will you forget the guy? I'm the guy.
- Charlie.
- Yeah? There's a pair of panties up here.
Of course, the ladder.
- Alan, mystery solved.
- What? Never mind.
Focus on the job at hand.
- Are you watching the TV? - Y es.
How does it look now? It's a little better.
How about now? No, no, no.
That's worse.
- Move it the other way.
- What? I said, move it the other way.
- There, there, there.
That's perfect.
- What? I said that's perfect.
Great.
Coming down.
Did you say something? I told you.
We should have called the guy.
Oh, you wanna flip me the bird, but the poor little fellow can't fly.
Just help me lie down.
- There is a bright side here, you know.
- Oh, really? Really? And what might the bright side be? Handicapped parking? Pity sex? You know, I can see there's gonna be no talking to you about this.
Oh, do me a favor and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.
How come? Look at me, Charlie.
I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills.
Does that spell weekend dad to you? Actually, to me it spells: "Weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts.
" But that's a whole other story.
Look, I got no plans for the weekend.
I could take care of Jake.
- Bangkok? - It was the '80s.
A simpler time.
The dollar was strong.
I was looking forward to hanging out with the knucklehead.
Let him come over.
I can't help you.
What will you do all weekend? I don't know.
Hey, maybe I'll get a chute.
We could play Chutes and Ladders.
You see.
See, that's why I want Jake here.
He has a sense of humor.
Oh, all right.
If you think you can handle it.
Don't worry, I got everything covered.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Is there anything I can do for you now? Well, I gotta pee.
Yeah, so? So I can't undo my pants or anything.
Where are we headed with this, Alan? You said you'd help me.
I was thinking like I could make you a sandwich.
- Charlie! - Hey, I am not reaching into your pants.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Go stand in the surf.
Come on, grow up.
- Where are you going? - T o the bathroom.
Now, come on and unzip me.
Just like that? Right to it? No dinner? No movie? Charlie! Hold on.
Coming.
Holy God.
Charlie, can you get the door? Charlie? Hang on.
Charlie! Oh, great, I think I just punctured a lung.
"Don't worry, Alan.
I've got everything covered.
" I'm coming.
You need to start your report this weekend.
Why? It's not due till next Wednesday.
- I've plenty of time.
- You said that last time.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
I think you're getting senile.
Watch your mouth, young man.
I can't watch it.
It's under my nose.
- Hello.
- What happened to you? Well, most recently, I was hit in the head by a door.
But before that, I was fixing the satellite dish on the roof and I kind of fell.
Why didn't you just call the guy? For God's sake, Alan, how do you intend to look after him this weekend? I am in excruciating pain, but I appreciate your concern.
Oh, well, you could've picked up a phone and given me a heads up.
Pick up the phone? Judith, I needed barbecue tongs to take a leak.
Can you look after Jake or not? - Charlie said he'd look after him.
- Like hell.
There's no way I'll let your degenerate brother be responsible for my son.
Sure, don't ask me what I want.
Just boss me around like you're my boss or something.
Charlie will be fine.
Have a good weekend.
Thanks.
You too.
Hey, can we go out to dinner tonight? Do I look like I'm in any shape to go to dinner? I don't know.
I'm not a doctor.
- The answer is no.
- Okay.
Then can we go to the video store and rent the new "Final Fantasy"? Jake, I hurt myself.
I'm in a lot of pain.
So? When I took a soccer ball to the nads, I was in a lot of pain and all my coach said was, "Walk it off.
" Well, you can't just walk this off.
Not with that attitude.
Hey, there he is.
How's it going, buddy? My life stinks.
Cheer up, you're still a kid.
It's gonna get much worse.
- Where have you been? - Taking a nap.
- Why? - I find it refreshes me.
You said you were gonna take care of everything.
Yeah, so? So while you were sleeping, I had to answer the door.
Do you realize how petty you sound right now? - Relax, lie down, I got it covered.
- No, you don't.
Nothing is covered.
It's all coverless.
Now, there is a life that stinks.
What's the agenda? What do you want? - I wanna go out to dinner.
- Yeah, well, I want my own talk show.
You'll eat what we've got.
Why can't we go out? Alan, I can't deal with this.
Talk to your son.
That's it? You're done covering? I didn't know he was gonna be impossible.
- Don't talk about me like I'm not here.
- Keep yapping and you won't be.
- Charlie, just take him to dinner.
- Why should I? He's not gonna shut up till he gets it.
That's true.
I'll drive you crazy.
Yeah, well, do your worst.
If we go out to dinner, there's nothing to clean up.
We're not going out.
- You usually wanna go out to dinner.
- Not tonight.
You're not punishing me, you're just punishing yourself.
Back off, bobblehead.
Oh, come on, it'll be fun.
- We're not going.
- Why not? - This conversation's over.
- Not if I keep talking.
So where do you wanna eat? Clucky's.
What's Clucky's? Zesty fire-roasted chicken with Grandma Clucky's secret herbs and spices.
All right, where is it? There's several convenient locations.
Like where? I don't know.
I just sit in the car.
I've never seen a Clucky's here.
- How about a pizza? - No.
- Burgers? - No.
Sushi? - Italian? Chinese? - No.
- Clucky's? - No.
You're not even listening.
I mean yes.
Clucky's.
I'm not driving all over the city hoping to stumble across a Clucky's.
This isn't the Clucky's my mom takes me to.
No kidding.
Where are we anyway? It's called Watts.
Hurry up and finish your chicken.
I like the Cajun Clucky's better.
Good for you.
- Can I go back and get Cajun Clucky's? - No, eat what you got.
- But I like the Cajun Clucky's.
- Why did you order the regular Clucky's? Because I forgot I like the Cajun Clucky's.
Oh, just eat the freaking chicken.
Fine.
Why do you say freaking? I know what you mean.
- I'm not a little kid anymore.
- Eat.
Don't talk.
Eat! What's up? I gotta pee.
Charlie, get the tongs.
Charlie? Gotta pee, gotta pee, Gotta pee, pee, pee Gotta pee, pee, pee Gotta pee, gotta pee, Gotta pee, pee, pee, gotta pee Alan, I've got somebody who wants to meet you.
Not a good time, Mom.
Y es, I can see that.
Are you all right? No, not really.
Oh, my poor baby.
Well, anyway, Mona, Alan.
Alan, Mona.
Hi, Mona.
Hello.
What happened to you? I was fixing a satellite dish and I fell off the roof.
Well, why didn't you just call the guy? You wanna know why I didn't call the guy? I'll tell you why I didn't call the guy.
Because you don't need to call the guy.
It's a simple adjustment that any idiot can do.
And, yes, I know, this idiot fell off the roof but it was after I fixed it all by myself, no guy.
Okay, the ice has been broken.
I'll just give you Mona's number and you can call her some time when it's more convenient.
Come along, dear.
Do you just stay awake nights trying to think of new ways to embarrass me? Still gotta pee.
Oh, God.
Oh, what the hell.
Oh, yeah.
The Cajun Clucky's is way better.
I'll notify Zagats.
Before we stop at the video store, can we get ice cream? - Who said we're stopping? - I wanna rent the new "Final Fantasy.
" Y eah, well, I want my $80,000 Mercedes not to smell like chicken.
But life is full of little disappointments.
Okay, forget the ice cream.
We'll just stop at the video store.
Jake, I'm tired, I've got a headache.
I just paid $100 to get my car back from the "chicken valet.
" And I wanna go home.
Please? I'm sorry.
What part of no did you not understand? The "nnn" or the "ooo"? How about if we stop in front of the store I'll run in, get the video game, and you wait in the car? How about we stop by the video store and I just stuff you through the return slot? I wouldn't fit.
Try me.
Oh, come on, it will only take a minute.
You might be able to bully your parents into doing whatever you want but when I say no, that's it.
Okay.
Then I guess I won't have a video game to play this weekend.
Exactly.
You'll find something else to do.
Right.
It will just be you and me.
- They're all out of "Final Fantasy.
" - So get something else.
But I want "Final Fantasy.
" Are you telling me that out of this store thousands of movies and video games, there's nothing here that interests you? You're not gonna like the answer.
I'm having chest pains.
You're giving me chest pains.
I bet they have "Final Fantasy" at another store.
You want a final fantasy? Close your eyes and imagine yourself flying across a freaking video store because that's what's about to happen.
Again with the freaking.
Excuse me, but did I hear you say you were looking for "Final Fantasy"? I was about to return one, you can have it.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Oh, he's really something, isn't he? - Oh, yeah, he's something.
The question is, what? I have a boy his age.
- Single mom.
- Single uncle.
- Betsy.
- Charlie.
- Jake.
- Nobody asked you.
Betsy, maybe we can get the boys together for a little play date some time.
I don't want a play date with some stupid kid just so you can have sex with her.
Isn't he something? Yeah.
Well, it was nice meeting you.
Bye-bye.
What? Are you happy? Pretty much.
You? Hello.
"Controlled substance.
Do not exceed one pill every six hours.
" Yeah, right.
What fresh childproof hell is this? Come on, you bastard.
Yes.
- What are we doing? - I'm taking you back to your mother.
Why? Why? I'll tell you why.
Because you're no fun anymore.
Because the whole "isn't he cute" thing is over.
I tell you, if this is a prelude to what you'll be as a teenager then we've got a serious problem.
Whatever.
You see, right there, that attitude does not fly with me.
Whatever.
God, I hope that's the chicken.
She's not home.
Do not "ha-ha" me.
Never "ha-ha" me.
Judith, come get your kid.
Don't hide behind the couch.
I can see you, Judith.
Hey, how about some ice cream? Sure.
Listen, I'm sorry I lost my temper.
Sorry you slipped in dog crap chasing me.
Thank you.
Now, you know that I love you but we gotta be clear on a couple of things.
I get that you're growing up, your body's changing your emotions are in flux.
But the important thing you need to keep in mind is that I don't care.
When you're in my house, when you're out with me and especially when we're around women you will be adorable, got it? I'm trying to concentrate.
Don't shush me.
Never shush me.
Whatever.
Please be the chicken.
Pour me one of those, will you? You know, mixing those pills with alcohol is a really bad idea.
Not if you're trying to die.
Hey, how many of those pills you got left? SDl Media Group