Veep s03e01 Episode Script

I have some very big news, ma'am.
POTUS isn't going to run again in two years.
I'm gonna run.
I'm gonna run for president! Together we are going to make history.
- My brain is at your service, ma'am.
-We'll see.
- Can we make it public? -No, no, no, no.
We got to wait for POTUS to make a statement.
- Okay.
-West Wing.
Well, you are so kind to say so.
I appreciate it.
Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.
- Thanks for coming today.
Nice to see you.
Thank you so much.
Come forward.
Yeah.
- Is this one a caucus-goer? -Could be.
Is that a Star Wars reference, "A New Beginning"? Our Next American Journey.
Too late to change it? It is.
Yeah.
- Hello.
- This one's caucus.
- Oh, that's too loud.
Can't say it that loud.
-Okay.
I think you're gonna dig it.
Let's raise minimum wage.
Blind people are people too.
A very enjoyable read It's complex I'm exhausted! The journey is endless, you know? Global issue I call it Some New Beginnings because it's plural.
God bless you, et cetera.
It's really nice, Gary.
Looks lovely.
Looks great.
I can't believe Selina chose not to be here.
I told Sue to put "wedding" in her calendar in bold cap letters.
I mean, we took type size to a limit.
If she could have been here, which she could have, she would have.
But she's in Iowa for the book tour, fluffing caucus-goers for the presidential run.
I would hate to be that local Iowa guy that's gotta take care of her, trying to source gazpacho in a city that thinks soup is for fags.
Nice day for a Mike wedding! Man, you guys should all marry Wendy.
I feel amazing.
You might even see me cry today, and for once it's not about work.
- I'm a little nervous.
-Gary, I'm the one getting married.
You just have to hand me the vows, okay? - It's not the Olympic torch.
- I did the playlist too.
Would you like me to mold the cake into a pair of testicles for you, Gary? - Okay, easy.
- See what everyone's gifting us? Our Next American Journey.
“ - Really well written, by me.
- They think it's funny.
Selina's never been away so long without us before.
I guess this is what it's gonna be like when our kids go to college too, huh, sweetie? Yeah, dream the fuck on, Dan.
I'm only being nice to you because I know that Selina's gonna make me the campaign manager.
There is no campaign until the president tells the world he's not running again.
Yeah, but when is that gonna be? Christ, it's been two months already.
Unless POTUS is chiseling his fucking statement out of marble, I don't get it.
Dan, Dan, Dan! Inside voices.
Mike's marrying a reporter.
They're everywhere.
- Yeah, everywhere.
- Okay, okay.
Wow, look at you, Dan.
You have more nervous tics than a shoe-bomber.
Thank you.
Yes, please come forward.
Oh, wow.
Look at this.
You've got an iPad.
- Could you sign it? -Okay.
I'm not sure Maybe we'll find Sign the back.
Oh, do you want me to sign But look here, it's That way, it's all your books are signed by the Vice President.
Hi.
Oh.
What is this? ls this butter? In the shape of the great state of Iowa.
- Oh.
-If it melted, would it become Texas? This is an absolutely stunning butter sculpture.
- Thank you.
-So, let's tweet a picture of that.
- Lock that caucus-goer down.
-Yeah.
And then let's find a refrigerator to put that in.
You know, butter doesn't need to be refrigerated.
It can be unrefrigerated or refrigerated.
That's not true.
I think it's like a fruit that way.
No.
Are you getting this? Rumor of a rumor.
Is this POTUS finally announcing he's not gonna run for re-election? Well, whatever it is, I'm hearing the West Wing is abuzz like a fly in a shithouse.
- Hi.
-Phone bowl.
- Come on, put it in.
- Oh, I'm not even using it.
I want the camera so I can get pictures of this magical day.
Either you put your phone in the phone bowl or I put it in the punch bowl.
Isn't she funny? We crack up all the time.
Even when we're having sex.
You guys, I've been a reporter for 18 years.
If anything breaks, I promise I will put it into the vows.
Amy, phone in the bowl.
No, no, I can't.
It'll be 40 minutes' tops.
Come on.
What if you were marrying the man of your dreams? Ahh! Okay, okay, I'm doing it.
I'm just - Just let me - Look at those white little knuckles.
Freedom! It's like losing a limb.
I can feel a phantom phone ringing right now.
You look gorgeous.
Thank you.
Is that lip shade coral blush? Yes, it is.
Wow.
- Nicely applied.
-I like him.
I want to keep him.
Can I have him, please? - Okay, just for the honeymoon.
- Oh, good.
He does bring baby wipes everywhere.
You never know if we're gonna need 'em when we Okay.
Got it.
Okay, the rumors something to do with Sec Def Maddox.
He's making an announcement, something big.
Well, thank God you packed a spare piece.
Amy, a good campaign manager always has to think one phone ahead.
You're not a campaign manager yet.
- We'll see.
-And I'm very disappointed that you have kept a secret spare phone, Dan.
Yes, and I likewise am disappointed that you have not.
Amateur.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hang on just one second, please.
So, these rumors, right? I'm getting Maddox.
What are you getting? I'm not getting a huge amount, if I'm being honest.
- Hey, Richard, no offense -None taken.
-you're a catastrophe.
-Okay.
Okay.
So, now, you need to just call Mike.
You got to get to the bottom of this.
Immediately.
Right now.
It's the Vice President.
- Hey, ma'am.
-Oh, hang on, Mike.
- No disrespect meant.
It's the title.
- Oh, clear.
-It is a little confusing.
-No, it isn't.
- It's Mike.
-Could you deal with this -wonderfully honest woman? -Sure will.
- Uh, Mike? - Hello, ma'am? Listen, have you had a chance to talk to any of the press guys? Yes, it is a wonderful day today.
Look, you maybe want to say hello to Wendy real quick? Oh, yeah, I'd love to speak to Wendy, very briefly.
It's the Vice President of the United States.
- Hello? - Hi, Wendy.
Congratulations.
Oh, thank you so much, Madam Vice President.
- You've met her, you can call her "ma'am.
" -Ma'am.
Yeah, such a happy day for both of you.
It happened so fast.
Mike just makes me laugh.
As a matter of fact, the first time we met, I was carrying this cheese Danish and Then you got married.
And I love that story.
Sorry I couldn't be there.
Oh, it's no problem.
You're in Iowa, and, you know, you have to suckle Iowa.
- If anybody knows, I know.
- She's at a book signing.
How is your book signing going, ma'am? Oh, it's going spectacularly well.
We've got a great team working here.
Listen, is Mike still there? Mike is not.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Thanks.
- Fuck.
-Hey, ma'am? Hey, it's Oh, got to go.
Going back in the bowl.
Strong rumors today there may be a major announcement coming from the Defense Department Okay, Defense Secretary Maddox has slipped his leash.
Maddox has so far refused to comment Somebody get me actual intel from the Pentagon.
I feel like I'm Joe Public here.
I know nothing.
And I don't like that feeling.
Would you like to go to dinner with us later? No.
What's your favorite word? Next! Do you think I offended her? - Can you write "To Alice" -Mmm-hmm.
"this is to get you back"? I think I need to decompress Absolutely.
-just for a few seconds.
Understood, I'm brain-dead just watching you.
That was I'm going back to the hotel.
Absolutely.
What shall I tell these people? - Oh, Gary just usually makes up an excuse.
-Okay.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Vice President has to step out for a moment to take a phone call with a senator.
He's having a big problem.
It's I will be back very soon.
Thank you so much.
Okay? Oh, God.
"Love is patient, love is kind.
- "It is not jealous, it is not pompous.
"It is not inflated, it is not rude.
"It does not seek its own interests "It is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, "it does not rejoice over wrongdoing.
"Love bears all things, believes all things, "sends Love It ends Love never ends.
" Oh, my God.
I will love you more today than yesterday, but you are always all of my tomorrows.
Mmm.
I am but a satellite caught in the gravity of your planet, Wendy.
I was headed for the fall when you, Michael, gave me back my spring.
My official statement to the press reads thus, "We are in love, come celebrate.
" Stand aside, asshole.
- Ben? - You catch more flies with honey than with bad language.
- Hi, Ben! -Ma'am, the Chief of Staff of the President.
Gel out of the way, or I'll fucking inhale you.
Good to see your friendly-ish face-ish! - Who? Richard Oh, it's nothing.
Listen, you need to get me some Advil, 'cause I got some people in here.
- Okay? -Consider it done.
Do you have a preference on water? Because I'm all about Fiji.
Your dress is open.
- Oh.
-Wow.
The Elk Suite! Yeah.
What are you doing here? I'm on my way to Congressman Cowgill's funeral.
- Oh, right.
Poor Rick Cowgill.
-Mmm.
- God, he was a 4'11" stick of dynamite.
- A great man inside a small man.
Stick one of those in Ricky's hand, he would have looked like an average-sized man.
Mmm.
So where's the team? - Oh, they're at Mike's wedding.
I kinda miss 'em.
Oh, it's just Gary.
Press ignore.
- I now pronounce you husband and wife.
All right, all you single ladies I don't wanna do it.
Whew! Coming through.
I got a jet here that could cut a fucking diamond.
What the hell are you doing here? You weren't invited.
Unless you're the worst man.
No, I live down the street from Pam Kendall.
Her car broke down, so I gave her a lift.
Pentagon Pam? She give you any hint on the Maddox announcement? Nah, she didn't give me anything.
Except for flirty glances.
What's that stubby thing you got there? "WestWingMan.
net"? Never heard of this.
Come on, man.
You're embarrassing yourself.
That's the hottest gossip site in DC.
Yeah? "Lifting the lid on the Inter-agency Softball League"? "Face to Face with America's Wind Tycoons.
" Wow.
This is some seriously butter knife-dull shit, man.
No, no, no.
Underneath, that's grit legit.
So what's WestWingMan got on the Maddox thing? Nothing yet.
But he will.
If it ain't on WestWingMan, it ain't no thing, man.
It's you, isn't it? - Who told you that? -You just did, you dummy.
- Fuck! God! Keep that under your hat.
- Yeah.
Sure.
-That's just between you and me.
- Uh-huh.
- Now if you will excuse me, I am at a wedding, and women at a wedding are like ripe fruit ready to drop.
And I am a sex wasp.
Gonna wash those paws, big guy? Are you kidding? My pheromones make bitches moan.
I'm gonna leave a trail right back to my apartment.
Look at us.
You pretending to be me signing a book I didn't even write.
- That's politics in a nutsack.
-Yeah.
Our Next American Journey.
What do you think of that title? It's so full of shit, there's a colon right smack-dab in the middle.
Oh, God.
They kept coming up with all of these awful titles.
You wouldn't even have believed it.
Like, Footsteps to the Future was one.
Red, White and You was actually another one.
Yes Hands of Our Children.
- What? -It's like a massacre or something.
- Fuckin' sick.
- I know.
I was so busy listening to these stupid fucks, I didn't listen to this voice in my own head saying, "This is dog shit.
Selina, this is complete dog shit.
"Don't step in it, don't You just stepped in it.
" Now look here, it's printed in a book, so that's good.
Look, don't listen to those DC assholes, then.
You're out amongst the real people now.
These are the people that you love.
- This is your thing.
-You're right.
It's true.
So, you want to be the President of the United States? I want to be president.
It's just that I'm staring down the barrel of 18 months of this shit, you know? - Eighteen months, it's nothing.
-Eighteen months is not nothing.
Eighteen months is an entire pregnancy with another entire pregnancy tacked onto the end of it.
Well, I'm a pretty good strategy guy.
- Oh.
-I could be your midwife.
You know, get my hands dirty? Um, could you go sit in that chair over there? Oh, yeah.
All right, listen.
Midwife me this, then.
Campaign manager Dan or Amy? Look, forget about Amy, forget about Dan.
Two words, Bill Ericsson.
No way.
He's not available.
He is available, all right? And he's going to be at Cowgill's funeral.
So, let's go talk to him.
- Oh, my God, he's got the Midas playbook.
-Yes.
- He got Briggs elected -Twice.
- Twice.
That's what I'm saying.
-Yeah.
So it should be easier for you.
- You actually have a personality.
-That's right, I do.
- And you never grope waitresses.
-Right.
All right, let's go! Let's go meet and grieve.
We'll meet Ericsson, and we'll grieve little Ricky.
- Yeah, God rest his tiny soul.
-I know.
You know' I heard that dog picked him up and shook him really bad.
Ladies and gentlemen, sadly, the Vice President will not be back to finish the signing.
What? The senator, who I mentioned earlier His problems have become even bigger.
Come on, let's go.
EEOB peeps, let's go.
This is my last wedding.
Come on.
Whoa, Jonah, Eisenhower people only.
Go.
Well, then, what is Wendy doing in the photo, Mike? - She doesn't work there, does she? -Go.
Jonah, what's the point? You don't show up in photographs.
The sooner we do this, the sooner we get it done.
Right? The sooner we do this, the sooner we get it done.
- Okay? - Yeah, yeah.
--5D? I've got a 1D.
You keep a second phone there? Hypocritical.
And horny.
- Okay, one, two - Shit on my tits.
- Maddox just resigned.
-What, the Sec Def's gone? Okay, okay, you can have your phones for five minutes, guys.
The Wi-Fi password is "Starboard135A.
" - Where's the phone bowl? -I don't know where the phone bowl is.
- I need my primary phone.
-Shut up! Shut up, everybody! It's right here.
Is Maddox running for president? Is that what this is? Oh, I already have mine.
"Team Veep goes into meltdown "as Sec Def Maddox news breaks.
" And upload the money shot.
I hate how he learned English from pornography.
Did you just post that? I run a gossip-tainment site and this is very gossip-taming.
Sorry, guys.
Not gonna take any questions now.
Secretary Maddox will be making a statement later today.
This is not a crisis.
Stop flapping your vestigial limbs around.
The line on Maddox is one more old man has gone off to play chess in the park.
And somebody find out who WestWingMan is.
FYI, it may not be his real name.
Looks like Maddox is making a move.
We're going to need Ericsson now, am I right? - Oh, yeah.
-Now more than ever.
Seriously.
Dan, listen.
We're going to have to do something if Maddox is actually gonna run.
Yes, ma'am, yes.
I was voted Most Likely To Do Something Now -in my class yearbook.
-Just get on it.
- Running for what, ma'am? - Yeah.
Listen, bumpkin, you blurt out anything to anyone about Maddox running or POTUS deciding not to run, the closest you'll get lo a political career will be selling Nixon masks at a Halloween shop, okay? POTUS isn't seeking re-election? I said don't blurt.
You blurted.
- You blurted first.
-You blurted about running.
- You're running? Ben, can you not keep a cat in a bag for one fuckin' second? Now we're gonna have to kill him.
Ma'am, if you need any help with your campaign, I'm real good in a high-pressure situation.
Really? In what sense "good"? I was all over that book line thing.
Yeah.
I tell you what, get the driver to turn the air conditioning on, okay? 'Cause I'm boiling up here.
I can do that! - How do I do that? -Just open the door while we're moving, climb under the car like Indiana Jones, pop up on the hood and write a note on the windshield.
All right! Time to cut the cake, everybody! - Watch out! My wife has a knife! I think the optimal size for each slice is about a half inch for everybody, all right? I got about a half inch for you.
- You exaggerate.
- Okay.
- Here we go.
Texting behind your back? Jesus.
- You Hendrix texting? -Just staying ahead.
- That's what a good campaign manager does.
-No.
No, a good campaign manager, Amy Excuse me, I'm about to be brilliant.
You guys are just like two little pretty Easter eggs.
I'd love to crack you open.
Hey, Hepatitis-J.
How's that pic you posted on your blog going, huh? It's a hashtag hurricane, bitch tits.
You don't think maybe you should take that down? You don't think you should go fist a chimp? Well, it's just that you showing us panicking makes it seem like the Maddox resignation is somehow significant to us.
- Mmm-hmm.
-'Cause he would be a big rival for Selina Ooh.
who wants to run for president.
Yeah, yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
Because the President of the United States is not going to run again.
- So? -So the president has not yet announced that he's not gonna run again.
That's no problem.
I'll just take it down.
Yeah, yeah.
Just make sure you do that before Google caches it, because once that happens, it's on there till the end of the world, which will also probably be your fault.
- What's Google's number? -I don't know.
Ask Jeeves.
Do you know anybody at the NSA? Does anybody here know anybody at the NSA? Oh, I see you here on this sad day.
Okay, that's Isaac Denisov from Change.
org.
She hates him.
This way, ma'am.
You hate him.
Oh, yeah.
That's the first one you've got right today.
He's a douche.
We've gotta find Ericsson.
I'll know when I see him.
I never forget a JPEG.
- Blake Stewart alert.
Madam Vice President.
Blake Stewart Oh, my goodness.
Blake won the nomination a decade ago and lost disastrously.
He's gonna throw Selina off her game.
- Why? -Why? He's the bubonic fuckin' plague of this party.
- I see you're doing a book tour.
-I am, yes.
- Are you thinking of running? -Oh.
No, no, no.
- I'm just hawking books.
-You are gonna deny that for six years, then you'll run anyway.
What was it like, the campaign, for you? Exciting, then exhausting.
- Ah.
- Then I died.
Joking.
Kinda.
Well, you're out of it now' so that's good.
I used to think that I failed because of my team.
- Mmm-hmm.
-I didn't have the right chief of staff, campaign manager, comms guys, my then wife, but, no.
It was me.
I just didn't have it.
- Well, very few of us do.
-Right.
- Like Cowgill.
-Poor Cowgill.
I kinda wish it was me in that box.
It's good speaking with you, Blake.
Really? Oh, thanks.
- I don't hear that a lot.
-Oh.
- Ma'am? - Oh.
Yes? The prime minister of Scotland is on the line right now.
-It sounds important.
-Oh, great.
Important, yes.
Would you excuse me for a second? Hello? Well, you know what? We could consummate this marriage right here.
No one would notice or give a shit.
- We could.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Or - Or? We could check our phones.
Gary? - Madam Vice President? - Yes? - I was Rick's nephew.
-Are you kidding me? This is Cowgill's nephew.
If they tell her who they are, you don't have to say anything.
Mr.
Stewart, this is the poem we'd like you to read.
Thank you.
I've prepared some closing words, too.
I was gonna actually ask the Vice President if she would like to say something.
No, it's fine.
-I'm a terrible speaker anyway.
-No, you're not.
Yeah.
That's howl lost 49 states.
No.
Well - Yeah.
It is.
-Okay.
Hey.
What's going on, man? What's crackin? - We got POTUS incoming? -May I see your White House pass, Mr.
Ryan? Uh, yes, sir.
Absolutely.
There you are.
Leave.
- But I work here.
-Not anymore.
Sir, I think I've temporarily lost your meaning.
Dan, did you go running back to the White House? What can I say, reception is a little spotty at the center of the universe.
The party is over, Mr.
WestWingMan.
There is a dead guy in the pool, and that dead guy is you.
I'm going to have to call you back.
Something truly wonderful has happened.
I think there's been a misunderstanding No, hold on.
One, you were running a news biog while working in office.
- It was gossip-tainment.
-Two, you posted a photo, which roused the suspicions of the press.
It has been forwarded to every hack in DC.
That wasn't me.
And I deleted it.
Which made it even worse! The fact is that your post has made it impossible to sit on the POTUS' secret any longer, so as a direct result of your actions, the President of the United States is bringing forward the announcement to today that he is not running for re-election.
We'll alert the networks there's gonna be alive announcement.
Don't interrupt any major sporting event unless it's golf.
And get him out of here, via his desk.
Lord knows what you'll find in there.
I'm sorry.
I think you might be overreacting to this.
No, Terrence.
What am I gonna do? Am I gonna hit him? Sir, please, don't take this away from me.
The West Wing is part of my DNA and vice verse.
Okay, this is a teachable moment, and I think You're embarrassing yourself.
Sir, I don't have anything else in my life.
- He really doesn't.
-See? Exactly.
Thank you, Dan.
- Fuck you, Dan! -That'll be all, Mr.
Ryan.
- Sir, did POTUS okay this? -Get him out of here! How did you survive Blake? - Tell me you're okay.
- Are you kidding me? That bag of wrist slits got the nomination? With that face and that personality? I mean, look at what I got to work with.
Where's Ericsson? I just heard that he bolted back to DC when the Maddox news came out.
All right.
Fuck it.
I don't need a team, I don't need a campaign manager.
You think I got here just 'cause I got $50 million in the bank -and this amazing ass? -No.
Oh All right, Cowgill was your congressman, so give me some facts about him.
Go.
Now.
- He was an amazing fisherman.
-Okay.
And he collected beer labels.
What are you gonna do with that? I'm going to read a poem - by Rick's granddaughter, Maeve.
It's Well, you'll see.
"We love you, and we'll miss your face, "husband, father' granddad.
"You made the world a better place.
"And now you left it sad.
" Good afternoon.
Well, I was planning on keeping this brief.
In fact, I was gonna say "short," but I know how sensitive Rick was about his height.
You think you've seen the end of Jonah Ryan? You haven't even seen the start of Jonah Ryan! I'm leaving here with my head held high and my nuts hanging low on your mom's chin, Martin.
- You got your porn stash there! Any last words? Fuck you Rick's life reflects America.
He was an avid fisherman.
And as a congressman, gosh, did he know how to cast upstream, to anticipate it.
And when he got that first bite, whoa, did he reel it in.
He was a nuanced politician with a mighty big collection of beer labels.
I'll be back.
- I'm gonna be back as the fucking president.
Jonah Ryan, 2026! That's a mid-terms year, Jonah.
Well, then, I'll change it! I'm gonna miss you, Rick Cowgill, fisherman, congressman, American.
Well, I blew the fuckin' roof off of this church, didn't I? They loved that beer labels anecdote.
Why would anyone collect those? Yeah? Maddox canceled his statement, because POTUS is going to make one.
The big one.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? I'm never ambiguous, ma'am.
Not even sexually.
Ben! I love politics.
- Me too, ma'am.
-Ma'am? - Yeah? - I've got Dan.
Oh, Dan.
Hey, Dan.
Ma'am.
Yes, the Maddox statement.
Yeah.
I know, POTUS is about to make a statement.
Ben just told me.
Well, did he tell you that it was because a lot of people saw a post -that Jonah made that I forwarded? What? You did this? Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but Yes, yes, I did.
And just like that, Jonah is gone, forever.
Well, all my orgasms have come at once.
- That's fantastic.
Um - Yeah, yeah.
Now, listen, ma'am, I wanted to ask you - Yeah? -would you do me the honor of making me your campaign manager? Oh, I've gotta go.
Thank you, Dan.
All right, Richard Listen, I want to tell you No, thank you, ma'am.
Until tomorrow.
What? Tomorrow? Book tour, day six.
Cedar Rapids, here we come.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
I hate politics.
Wendy, Wendy, Wendy.
Come here.
- Remember that Jonah guy? Jonah? - Oh, the seven-foot mouth? -Yeah.
Look at this.
What if I give out the Wi-Fi password out to everybody on Pennsylvania Avenue, huh? Oh, God.
Are you kidding me? He's gone! This is the best day of my life! - On.
- Hey.
- Come on! Ladies and gentlemen, Vice President Selina Meyer! Whoo! You should be here! I wanted to say a few words and speak very frankly.
I was gonna say "baldly," but I know how sensitive Mike is about his hair.
We all know how much Mike loves his boat.
And I'll tell you something.
If he ever chose to fish, I know that he'd be able to cast upstream, to anticipate, and at that very first bite, reel it in.
-'Cause that's the kind of guy that Mike is.
- Aw.
Oh, gosh.
I'm going to miss him when he goes on his honeymoon.
So, here's to Mike and Wendy.
"Some New Beginnings: "Their Next American Journey"!