Vikingane (2016) s03e01 Episode Script

1
I cannot stress strong enough
how important it is,
but a luscious head of hair.
Yeah, totally agree.
My hair is my pride and my delight.
What will I be without it?
It's hard to say, hard to say.
A man's hair says everything
about his personality.
A bald man
is like a blank rune stick.
Zero content
no credibility.
Yes, yes.
Men with a full head of hair
simply have more options
when it comes to
cultivating their appearance.
You're not exactly tied to one style
as you kind of are when you're bald.
You're right.
- Hi.
- Ah!
My beautiful darling.
I couldn't have dreamt of a better wife.
I couldn't have dreamt
of a better husband.
- But we need to get going.
- Yeah.
We wouldn't want to be late
for Jarl Bjørn's feast,
when you're the guest of honor.
- How is my hairdo?
- Absolutely perfect.
- Well groomed, Hund.
- Thank you.
And please make sure that the brushes
are ready when I return.
- Of course.
- So we can explore some new hairstyles.
- Of course.
- Good.
- Have a nice trip.
- Bye-bye.
Varg.
Finally, you are here.
My very best friend.
Reidun, as beautiful as ever.
Bjørn, the man I value the most.
Likewise.
We are soulmates who have known
each other since we were suckling babies.
And we share a philosophy of life
and sense of humor.
And we can speak confidentially
about ups and downs in our lives.
And we respect each other's peculiarities,
and we dare to be vulnerable
to each other.
That we do, Varg, that we do.
And you
You have been an invaluable support
in phases of my life,
when things have not been that easy.
If everyone had a best friend
like Jarl Varg,
the world would be a better place,
guaranteed.
Skål!
Looks to me like
you're getting a bit thin up top, Varg.
Say what?
I said, it looks to me like you're getting
a bit thin up top.
- Right.
- Don't say that.
Varg's mane is his pride and joy.
Mane?
Well, congratulations.
You have the thinnest mane in Midgard.
Thinnest mane in Midgard? That's funny.
That's very funny.
- Very funny, actually.
- No. Sorry, we shouldn't laugh.
You look just as lovely
with thinning hair.
Maybe even lovelier.
Hair loss actually becomes you.
Absolutely. I'm sorry if I
It was not my intention
to make fun of your hair.
I know that hair loss
can be an emotional burden.
I may have gone over the line there.
- I hope you can forgive me.
- I forgive you, of course.
You are already forgiven.
No problem at all.
- My best friend.
- My best friend.
Let's eat!
This way. Come on.
Halt!
Up! Up!
Shut your mouth!
Looks to me like you're getting a bit thin up top.
You look just as lovely
with thinning hair.
Well, congratulations. You have the thinnest mane in Midgard.
- Jarl. What is it?
- Hm?
Are you still mad about the hair comments?
No. No, no, no.
No, it's, um it's um
There's always some tolerance
between good old friends.
Yeah. Good. I feel guilty for laughing.
No, no, please, please.
Laughter is nothing
but a spontaneous emotional outburst.
- Yeah.
- Something you just
can't control.
- Okay. I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- Okay.
- It's okay.
I I I think
it's a little bit cold in here.
I think the temperature is fine.
Oh, I think I just want it much warmer,
I guess.
- Actually, I really want it much warmer.
- Okay.
Just sit, I'll take care of it.
- Okay.
- Yes, I'll do that.
I'll take care of it.
The shitting log system
is based on mutual trust.
While seated there, your body's most
private parts are on display.
And it's everyone's responsibility
to stay away.
Yesterday, we had an incident,
where the shitting log stalker
was more daring than ever.
- Oddvar.
- Yes, I'm sitting on the
On the shitting log,
minding my own business.
And suddenly,
a hand shoots out of the ground
and starts caressing my scrotum.
In a perfect world, we would have stalls
where we could sit in peace,
shielded from view.
But unfortunately,
we're not quite there yet.
Orm.
Get up here.
It's very important that the chieftain's
family stand together, showing disgust.
- Yeah?
- Mm-hm.
Yes. First, I would like to say
that my thoughts go to Oddvar
and, uh, his family.
- Thank you very much.
- Mm.
But I feel, perhaps,
that she has received her punishment now,
for something that I perhaps
would just call an innocent prank.
This is not a prank.
This is assault.
The thought of her
staring straight into my brown eye,
that's traumatic.
- Yes, yes.
- It will take a lot of work
- for me to get over this, guaranteed.
- Sure, yes.
But, uh, we know nothing
of her motivation.
Maybe she's just doing this
because she lacks other ways to vent.
Orm
No, but maybe she's been left out
her entire life.
Maybe she's been excluded
from this and that, and, uh
you know, so that sneaking around
the toilet pole
is her way of achieving some sort of
intimacy and nearness.
But what do I know about this?
I know nothing of this,
so it's pure guesswork on my end.
- Yes.
- Hypothesis.
Thank you, Orm, for that contribution.
But trust has been violated
in such a villainous manner
that we have no other option
than sending the shitting log stalker
- to Helheim
- No!
- where shitting log stalkers belong.
- No!
Wait! Wait!
- You've been tricked.
- Hm?
I'll tell you who
the shitting log stalker is
- Yeah?
- And it will send shockwaves
through the whole of Norheim!
It happens to be none other than
The scrotum voyeur is
I just lost my patience.
She enjoyed being the center of attention
a little too much for my taste.
Varg?
Varg?
Varg?
Varg?
Oi!
Nothing.
Your eye looks perfectly fine.
How was the feast?
Looks like it got a little out of hand.
Take me home.
Where is Reidun?
Your wife, Reidun.
Is she coming home with us?
Just take me home.
Come on, everyone together now.
Food?
It's genitalian today.
And what do we say?
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
Exactly.
I don't mind a few maggots in the bread,
but
what is that aftertaste?
- He said it was, um genitalian.
- Mm-hm.
So, I guess it's an aftertaste
of unwashed genitalia.
Why does he even bother?
Puns, the lowest form of humor.
I think he's just testing us.
To see if we'll complain.
But I refuse to break down.
- I shall persist
- Mm-hm.
In this miserable life.
The only think keeping me up
is you.
We shall toil and sweat,
and one day the Vikings will realize
that we are a hardworking family
that deserve our freedom.
Hear! Hear!
Did you know that, every year,
the chieftain frees one slave family?
Why shouldn't that be us this year?
Nobody works harder than us.
We never complain.
Right?
You might want to lower your expectations
a little bit, Arnstein.
But know this,
that whether we gain our freedom or not,
I love you.
I love you, too.
As long as we have each other,
we are strong.
- Nothing can break us.
- Nothing.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Orm!
Orm!
Come on.
I know you're out there somewhere.
Orm?
Orm?
Or
Orm.
- Orm.
- Hildur, hi!
Hi. You look nice.
I was just down here,
checking on something.
- What are you doing?
- Hm?
Did you dig this?
No, no.
So, what are you doing here, then?
I suggest that we now
just should go separate ways,
and forget about everything that's
happened, because nothing has happened.
I know exactly what has happened here.
I just knew all along
that you were the shitting log stalker.
- Me?
- Mm-hm.
By Odin, aren't you allowed to crawl
around the shitting log
in a subterranean intricate tunnel system
without being accused
of all kinds of things?
And describe which one that he ate.
First, he ate one of these, and then he
took a big bite out of one of these.
Okay, so that one is deadly, then?
Uh, it's hard to tell. It could
just as well have been the first one.
Can't you just eat that one, Kark,
and we'll see?
- That's good.
- Simple as that.
Yeah, um
What are you doing?
Trying to figure out which mushrooms
we can eat, and which ones are deadly.
Depending on how it goes with Kark
here now,
I think we have found some new ones
we can eat.
But, Olav, you need to come with me.
- Come on.
- Okay.
How's it going, Kark?
Feels okay. It's
Say it isn't true.
Can't we just focus on other things now?
Just move the focus.
Let's put the spotlight on something else.
But sitting and hiding
by the toilet pole,
watching other people defecate.
- Ah.
- It's just so low, Orm.
And not only have you been sitting there,
staring into people
you killed an innocent old lady.
If people find out about this
the best you can wish for
is to become an outlaw.
Mm. And it reflects poorly on me,
as your sister-in-law.
And that might be
the most important thing here.
The last thing I promised Father
before he died
was to make a man out of you, Orm.
Yeah.
But then, that kind of
fizzled out, with so many other things
that were more tempting.
- Different things, actually
- Yeah.
But now, the time has come.
- No.
- Yes.
From now on, you're going to join us
in battle, you're going to plunder,
you're going to mutilate, and not least,
you're going to do real Viking things.
You're not going to do this crocheting
and things like that.
No, you can't make me. Crocheting
is my life. I won't do it. I hate you.
I'm your big brother, I'm your chieftain,
- and I decide this.
- No, you don't decide.
You can't control me
because I'm soon 18 years old.
And Hildur and I, we have decided
that now you are going to marry.
- No!
- We're going to find you a wife
that can make a man out of you.
- No.
- Yes, you said it yourself.
- You lack nearness and intimacy.
- No, I am not going to do it,
- it's not going to happen.
- We're talking about a person, Orm,
who'll be with you
for the rest of your life.
Someone who will be tied to you,
till death do you part.
- Really?
- Mm.
Like, tied to me almost?
Nevermore alone,
constantly searching for companionship?
Nevermore alone, constantly searching
for companionship, Orm.
And we know exactly the person for you.
Who?
Frøya, it's me, Chieftain Olav.
And Hildur, the First Lady!
Let me do the talking.
Frøya, so this is where you live?
- Yes.
- Nice place.
Lots of cadavers.
Are there any animals
left in the woods now?
Yes.
That was just a
Because you killed so many, so
Just a funny comment.
Yes, there are animals left.
Okay, I'll go straight to the point.
- Okay.
- Yeah, the thing is,
my brother, Orm,
he has, uh, become single,
which opens up an incredibly
exciting opportunity
- for the right person.
- Orm?
- I don't think I've met him.
- No?
A man of honor. Or he has the potential
to become a man of honor
if the right conditions are in place.
Okay, so he's not
a man of honor quite yet?
No, but he will be.
You can put it this way.
May Odin see to it that I get stabbed
in the stomach several times,
and my intestines pulled out
in the most grotesque manner
- if that doesn't happen.
- Maybe I should take over for now, Olav.
Maybe you could just go for a walk
and let us ladies talk?
Let's do that.
Good talk.
Frøya.
Orm is perfect for you.
- Okay.
- Mm-hm.
Yes, and you're perfect for him.
Frøya, he needs you.
- Why?
- He needs a woman with
guts. Someone who's a little
rough around the edges
and can yank him out of his comfort zone
and lure him into some new interests.
- New interests?
- Yes, something more in line of
what you are doing out here.
You know, instead of crocheting,
dyeing fabrics,
and making garlands of wildflowers.
Doesn't exactly sound like
- the perfect match for me.
- But that's just what it is.
You know, opposites attract.
- What?
- Opposites attract.
- Never heard.
- But they do.
Why don't you want to move into Norheim,
instead of living out here
in the middle of nowhere?
Get a longhouse, some slaves,
all the food and clothes you want. All the
things you have to work so hard for now.
Yeah, I hear what you're saying,
but I'm really not that interested.
Frøya, let it marinate for a while.
Just think about whether killing animals
for the rest of your life
is ideal, or if there's something else
that might be better.
That went pretty well.
You could have tried to give her an order.
Your leadership style
has been quite weak lately.
- You think so?
- Yes.
I must say, when you're that evasive,
my pussy kind of dries up a little.
- Really, it dries up?
- Yes.
And it wasn't that smart to say that Odin
could stab you
and pull your guts out
if Orm doesn't become a man of honor.
No, I see that. I see that.
I got a little carried away.
I wouldn't worry too much.
You know Odin,
he has better things to do
than listening to me all the time.
Hey. I brought you this.
Hot-water bottle.
Is there a hole in my head?
No. No, there's not.
I want to see. Give me a sword.
Sword.
Sword?
I lost my hair.
You know, that's because you've
been through a traumatic experience.
Yeah. The hair will come back.
- Yes.
- Yeah. Pray.
I'm bald.
Will you look at that. That was strange,
I've never seen that before.
- That was news to me.
- But you've been combing me for years.
You know what, Varg?
You look much better with a big bald spot.
It makes you much more interesting.
People become curious about you.
And you know what they say,
variety is the spice of life.
No one says that yet.