Weird Science s03e01 Episode Script

WYATT: There are things you think you'll never see in your lifetime-- a cure for the common cold, world peace the next Star Wars movie-- but the one thing I was sure no one in any lifetime would ever see was my brother, Chett with a girlfriend.
Her name is Rose and it's like they were made for each other.
Two people that know what they want and how to get it usually by force.
My good friend Gary also seems caught up - in the wonder of the moment.
- Will you shut up? Strange.
It's as if he can hear my thoughts.
I can.
Lis, turn him off.
Okay, okay.
I thought it added atmosphere.
What are you so cranky about anyway? I'm checking out my magic eyeball book.
- Those things are a gyp.
- All I see is squiggly colors.
You just squint at the picture "And you're greeted with aife-like 3-D image of majestic lions.
" Maybe I've got it upside down.
Aren't they cute? - LISA: how did they meet? - Personal ads in Flak Magazine.
Three weeks and going strong.
For the first time Chett's got romance and companionship.
I wonder if he's got majestic lions.
There aren't any in this book.
You're right, Wyatt-- it is nice.
Two lovers sharing a quiet moment alone.
Let's eavesdrop.
- A drive-in movie speaker? - I just rented Pulp Fiction.
I'm feeling a little retro.
Yeah, Rose that was some movie, huh, Rosie? It was the most romantic thing.
I almost cried.
Me too.
- Geez, what movie did they? - Aliens.
I mean, when Vasquez and the lieutenant ate the grenade to save the party? That was beautiful.
It reminded me of Jesse Ventura's gut wound in Predator.
I am one happy little brother.
Since when are you Chett's cheerleader? Did you forget the Melvins? The Noogies? - The Full-Body Nair Baths? - That's why I'm happy.
He's been so busy on love maneuvers he doesn't even remember I exist.
Life is sweet.
Whoa.
Major sweater muffins, 2:00.
- What did you say? - [chuckling.]
: Uh I didn't mean anything by that.
Think of it as a compliment.
I mean I'm so comfortable with you I can say what's on my mind 'cause I don't really think of you as a chick.
You don't think of me as a chick? CHETT: Well, no.
Yeah.
You know, like a guy I can imagine naked.
- No.
Wait.
- That's it, Chester.
Your sweater muffin-watching days are over.
No.
You can have your stupid dog tags too.
She had to wake up sooner or later.
- I hope Chett is okay.
- He needs space to deal with his loss.
For him, this is the time to look inward and reflect.
[yelling.]
I loved her and she spit me out like a black jelly bean.
Why not trash your own room? Why should I, when I can mess up yours? then he rammed my head in the toilet.
Just be thankful you don't have problem hair.
Look at the up side-- Chett has done worse.
You didn't let me finish.
Uh-oh.
Jilted psycho on the prowl.
[whimpering.]
Oh, close one.
- Poor Chett.
- Poor Chett?! We've got to find him a new girl or I'm a smoke stain on the carpet.
Relax.
I've got it covered.
- We're fishing for a girlfriend? - What's for bait? LISA: What else? Stand back, puny mortals.
Where did the picture go? It's scanning the world for Chett's perfect match.
Fishing sucks.
[clicking.]
LISA: Uh-oh.
I got something.
stip me in.
Get behind me! Whoa! WYATT: Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
It's a whopper! It's huge! Here she comes.
Hi.
Who's the cutie? "Rose was my girl the head on my brew "the shine on my dog tags, the spit on my shoe "the Kung-Fu grip on my G.
I.
Joe doll and she took my heart "with her when she went AWOL.
" Chett.
Oh, at last.
He's on the rebound so you shouldn't have - any problem, miss, uh - Please, call me Ali.
- Is that short for Allison? - Okay.
- Where are you from, Ali? - Memphis.
Excuse me.
Pal! I need a rhyme for "flak vest.
" How about "back rest"? Face it, tiger.
You just hit the jackpot.
- Oh, my goodness.
- [purring.]
Wyatt, get down here! Little bro, we got way too much Chinese food here.
- Join us.
Tuck in.
- Join you? - And your friend.
- Gary! You, too, you frizzy-haired pukeball! Sure thing, you balding sack of dog meat.
[laughing.]
I love these two chowder boats.
Eat up, boys.
Mu-shu.
Mu-shu.
Don't mind if we do.
Save me a dumpling dumpling.
Sure thing, hot sauce.
We need to fatten you up a little.
[giggling.]
I've never seen him this happy.
You're okay in my book.
Hey, thanks.
I think Chett's the most beautiful creature in the universe.
A gorgeous babe with bad taste in guys.
You got any sisters.
- Rose.
- At ease, soldier.
I've decided to give you another chance.
I shouldn't get mad at you for a healthy sex drive.
- It is your best quality.
- [gasps.]
- This really isn't a good time.
- What do you mean? You're not alone, are you? Who's this? Her name is Ali.
Don't talk to her that way.
You're dumping me for Malibu P.
J.
?! You dumped me! I had to move on.
You expect me to be alone forever? - We broke up four hours ago! - We're in love! One day soon we hope to breed a fine young warrior.
Is this true? Yeah, well, we're talking about it.
I'm out of here.
- Rose, wait! - Let her go.
You're better off without her.
Wyatt: So my big brother found love again.
I never thought it was possible.
Boy, these jockeys itch like a mother.
Maybe I'm allergic to silk.
- I wonder how fish do it.
- [giggling.]
- I'm broadcasting again, aren't I? - Yep.
How was the mall? I exchanged that defective magic eyeball book.
Defective? Well, yeah.
Nothing wrong with these 20/20 bad boys.
Must be a printing defect.
Come on, Green Bay Packers.
I know you're in there somewhere.
- [screaming.]
- Jeez! what's wrong! Ali! Squint and look at her.
- Ugh! She's hideous! - What's hideous! I don't see a thing.
Relax your eyes and look four feet past her.
Oh, cool.
I see it.
[screams.]
ALL: Ew! - How could this happen? - The magic fishing rod couldn't find a match on Earth so it broadened the search.
To outer space? So it is true.
Chett couldn't get a date if he was the last man on Earth.
So? What do we do about jabba the slut? We send her packing.
Hey, you two lovebirds.
Hey, guys.
Who's your friend? Oh, Chett, Ali, this is Florence, my second cousin from Canada.
No way.
Is she the one that you No! No, no, this is a different cousin, completely different.
Is something on your mind, Ali? You look like you're on another planet - or from another planet.
- [both laugh.]
Why don't we go freshen up? Without my makeup I feel like a creature from outer space.
I bet you know that feeling, huh, Ali? Uh, yeah, I guess so.
Excuse us.
- Kisses? - Kisses.
Ew! Can't wait for the bachelor party.
Instead of a girl jumping out of the cake she can just best out of someone's chest.
You two have to break up.
I'm not good enough because I'm a different species because I'm mono-digitary and Omni-ocular? We eradicated that sort of bigotry on my planet.
I'm not being a bigot.
Then what does it matter? There's no one in my entire home world as wonderful as Chett.
He's ruined me for my own species.
- Lisa, have you ever been in love? - Well - No.
- Then how can you condemn us? - GARY: Give them a chance? - Who are we to judge them? The mans-- the home team.
She's playing love connection on our planet.
Chett's really in love.
You're just happy 'cause he hasn't tried to flush you.
That part doesn't suck either.
( knocking ) Rose.
I wanted to talk to your brother.
- He's not here now.
- Oh.
That's okay.
I know Chett doesn't want me, and that's fine.
I mean, you don't have to hit me with the normandy landing but this Ali girl-- she's scary.
I'm worried about Chett.
There's something in that girl's eyes.
A woman can tell.
Just look out for him, okay? - Promise? - Sure.
I promise.
Lisa, can you rig it so we can keep an eye on Chett and Ali? Finally! Someone with good old-fashioned healthy reservations about Chett dating a space alien.
Isn't this an invasion of priacy? When has that stopped you? Good point.
This will show you what Ali's up to at all times.
Think of it as your own Sci-Fi channel.
Hello.
Mother? It's me.
Yes.
Everything is going well.
Oh, you should see his body.
( growls ) Makes me devour.
She's telling Mom about Chett.
That's so sweet.
We will be mating momentarily.
He's waiting for me.
Yes, of course.
I'll come straight home once I've devoured him.
- Did she just say "devour"? - I think she said "devalue.
" "I'll come straight home once I devalue him"? Sometimes my hair gets in my ears.
Don't worry.
As humans go, Chett is pretty large.
There'll be plenty of table scraps.
I'll bring you back a drumstick.
She's going to eat him! Nice going! We ask you to find Chett a girl and he ends up being a galactic takeout! Boy, do I feel like the captain of the dummy boat.
It's not polite to eavesdrop.
Oh, yeah? It's not polite to eat and run.
Get her, Lis! Turn her into a snickers bar! - What happened to your magic? - I don't know.
I'm afraid it was me.
"Magic.
" You two are so cute.
I suppose that to a primitive mind, Lisa's reality-altering algorithms must seem pretty magical.
Well, pardon my sloping brow.
Okay, sister.
Looks like we play it your way.
Time for a little hand-to-hand.
( yells ) Oh, yeah.
You really kicked her butt.
- Stuff it, Wallace.
- Lousy alien! Hope you choke on him! Okay, if we want to save Chett we'll have to work fast.
- And do what? - What else? Call for help.
Hi, lover.
Um before we begin, I need to tell you something.
It's been a long time for me.
I want to make sure we're not moving too fast.
This is a good speed.
( moaning ) - Come on.
- Almost.
Got it! Now what do I do with it? [giggles.]
Hey, quit it.
That tickles.
I can't stand it anymore.
I've got to have your body.
It's yours.
Take it.
( groans ) God, I love a take-charge kind of gal! Check out that tasty hunk of prime rib.
I've been doing sit-ups.
( growling ) You want me as much as I want you? Do I? You could dip my face in batter make hot buttered love cookies! Cookies, huh? I've never thought of that.
Nah, too much work.
( gasps ) Ooh Like what you see? I've always been a leg woman.
[muffled cry.]
How's this strike you? I've seen them do that in videos.
That's new, though.
Get real.
Time to call the cops.
To save Chett, there's only one person we can call.
[muffled.]
: Mmm No, not Grandma.
I've never done this sort of thing before.
Is that mango chutney? Hello, Rose? Listen carefully-- turns out Chett's girlfriend is really an alien from outer space.
She's about to eat him alive.
We were hoping you could come over and lend a hand.
Rose? Get away from him, you bitch! Uh they're in Chett's room.
Down the hall, to the left.
Oh.
Sorry.
Get away from him, you bitch! Rose, is that you? Neat little trick.
Get away from him, human! If you want him, you'll have to go through me! Ladies, here's no reason to fight over me.
[screams.]
What happened to Ali? That is Ali.
And you're dinner.
Ugh! I made it to second base with that thing? Come here my little love snack.
Not enough beer in Milwaukee, bug-lips.
Looks like this is it.
I can't believe you saved me after the way I treated you.
- I never stopped caring about you.
- Me too.
But I got crazy after I lost you.
I was on the rebound.
What's important is, we're together.
If I got to go down dogface, I'm glad it's with you.
Yeah, me too.
Would you wear my dog tags? Oh, thanks.
Why are they sticky? - It's the mango chutney.
- [roaring.]
All right.
Enough already.
I might be an alien, but I do have a heart.
You two are perfect for each other.
- Even I can see it.
- I guess we are, aren't we? Hang on to each other.
A perfect match only comes around once in a lifetime.
Shut up and kiss before I eat you.
( sighing ) What's the matter? Oh you guys have each other.
I just can't help wondering-- where's the man for me? Mmm ( sighs ) Maybe I spoke too soon.
I give up.
Magic eyeball book? - "Magic gyp-off" is more like it.
- You can't see a picture? I don't get it.
I never had trouble seeing Ali with the squint.
Maybe there aren't any pictures in there.
Everybody pretends to see them.
Oh, they're in here, all right.
Just out of my reach.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the Barbie twins.
Oh, look-- they bought us dinner.
( both laughing ) We made the universe safe for that? Well, I can't do anything about Chett and Rose but I can help Gary with his 3-D book.
I see it! Charging linebacker! Incredible.
He looks so lifelike.
GARY: Whoa.
What a rush.
Captioned by Grant Brown