What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s03e01 Episode Script
The Prisoner
1
[CAWING]
It is a dark time in Staten Island.
A lot of vampires have been slaughtered.
[GRUNTING, SCREAMING]
Not us, thankfully. We're fine.
But are we?
I don't think we are. [SHORT CHUCKLE]
NANDOR: The worst part
is that it was our familiar
that did the slaughtering.
The worst part is it was Nandor's
own familiar that did the slaughtering.
It was Nandor's employee.
Really Nandor's responsibility.
- Yep.
- Talk to Nandor.
It is true that Guillermo
the familiar that all
of us share command of
and responsibility for is the
one that did the slaughtering.
- Aah!
- NANDOR: But he did it
to save our lives from
the Vampiric Council.
Still, he should not have
done so much slaughtering.
I frankly couldn't give a
cat's knuckle about Gizmo.
I mean, he's just kind of
this fluttering lickspittle
that is always bouncing
about, always behind Nandor.
- But Nandor likes him.
- LASZLO: Oh, shut up, Colin Robinson.
- You're giving me the pip.
- Yes.
And we are running out of time here.
Well, I guess I should
just shut the fuck up then.
If you insist.
NADJA: I'm not objecting.
You know, we know what we have to do.
We have to put Guillermo to death
before he puts all of us to death.
- But he saved our lives.
- NADJA: Okay, so we're saying,
"Thank you for saving us, but sorry,
you're our mortal enemy
you got to die, babes."
But we are still in imminent danger.
May I remind you all
that we were sentenced
to death by the Vampiric
Council for killing vampires.
- Which he did.
- And then more vampires were killed.
- By him.
- Which means they're gonna send more assassins
over here to get us. And
perhaps our familiar
- Your familiar, dickhead.
- You hired him, you bloody plonker.
is the only one that can protect us.
But how do you know he's
not going to kill us?
- It is in his bloods.
- COLIN: Ah, yes.
Francis Galton's perennial conundrum:
- nature versus nurture
- LASZLO: Shut the fuck up.
- Speak quiet, Colin Robinson.
- Stop it, Colin Robinson.
DOLL NADJA: Everybody
relax. I have given this
a lot of thought, and my vote is
- You don't get a vote.
- Hey!
- Why not?
- Because you are basically
just another version of Nadja,
and so your vote would
be the same as hers,
- which is not fair.
- BOTH: You don't know that.
- Just because
- Oh, sorry, you go.
- No, you go.
- No, you go.
- Okay, I'll go.
- Okay, fine.
What would your vote be?
Death.
What a brilliant point she has.
I think we should slumber on this.
We do not have time to slumber!
The Vampiric Council is probably
- out there now searching for us and him as we speak.
- [BELL RINGING]
Silence! And hark.
That was him.
What could he want?
Perhaps he is warning
us of an imminent danger.
Or maybe his poop bucket's full.
- We must check.
- I hope it's the poop bucket.
Oh, and while you're down there
kill him.
["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
You sold out your dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world. ♪
NANDOR: Make sure that you
use the handrail, because
- the stairs are very steep.
- [CLATTERING]
LASZLO: Stupid prick.
NANDOR: When was he last fed?
- COLIN: What day is it?
- LASZLO: Sunday, maybe?
Really? Gosh, it feels like Saturday.
It's just, like, "Where
did my weekend go?"
[LAUGHING]: Am I right?
NANDOR: This is why I said
we should have a checklist
of when he was fed and who fed him.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
How long has he been down here?
Almost a month. 29 days.
A month, and you've not
decided his fate yet?
Well, I have certainly been trying to.
A decision like that,
there's a lot of moving parts.
Got it.
Now remember, do not look
him directly in the eyes.
We still do not know
the depths of his power.
I never looked him in the
eyes anyway, so I'm certainly
not gonna start now. Get the door open.
Stand aside.
- Hi.
- Guillermo, why did you summon us?
- Is there a threat of imminent danger?
- No.
- Stand back! He's lunging at us!
- NADJA: Oh!
Not that I know of.
- My bathroom bucket's full, needs to be emptied.
- NANDOR: Eesh.
- Okay. Maybe one of you big, strong men
- I'll do it. I'll do it.
I-I think it's important
that I sift through the scat
to see if he's sending
out any secret messages.
- LASZLO: Scat away.
- NANDOR: Good thinking.
NADJA: Um, so, here are your foods.
- [SHORT CHUCKLE]
- Thank you, Nadja.
- You can just hand it to me. I'm not
- Stay.
- not gonna hurt you.
- NANDOR: Nice job.
Yay, more raw chicken.
The prisoner will slide
his bucket of shame
over to the sally port.
And the prisoner will be reminded
not to make any sudden movements,
- lest he get the prod.
- I have a name.
Just slide your shit
bucket over to sally's port.
Thank you.
- [NADJA RETCHING]
- NANDOR: Careful.
- GUILLERMO: There you go.
- COLIN: Come to Mama.
GUILLERMO: This is ridiculous.
Can't you just let me out?
- You know I wouldn't hurt you.
- LASZLO: Bullshit. Please remember
that this man is a vampire killer.
I was protecting you!
I saved your lives!
Yes, and we have taken
that into consideration.
But we are still in discussions about
what your fate is going to be.
Oh, okay. And may I ask
how far along you are
- in these discussions? Or is it one of those things
- LASZLO: No.
where you just linger
and argue with each other
'cause you don't have
a Guillermo next to you
to solve all of your problems?
- This fucking guy.
- Insolent!
- You need to prod him.
- Hey, hey, hey! The prisoner will be reminded
- to treat his captors with respect and kindness.
- Yes.
- Or he'll taste the wrath of my
- NANDOR: Do it.
- GUILLERMO: Don't touch the metal.
- Prod. Ow!
- Shit!
- NANDOR: Ay, shit.
- You okay?
- No!
LASZLO: Let's go. We've
lingered here long enough.
He'll just do his mind magic on us.
- What?
- That's probably what he's doing
- with my cattle prod.
- GUILLERMO: No, don't touch that end,
- Colin Rob
- Ow!
- NANDOR: Ay, fuck.
- Shit! That one was on me.
- Not giving you credit for that one.
- GUILLERMO: I don't want credit.
We will make a judgement
about your future shortly.
And who's gonna protect you, huh?
I'm not asking
for any kind of special treatment!
I'm just want to protect
you from yourselves!
Laszlo. Laszlo?
- No, Laszlo
- [ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
COLIN: Ow, Fuck!
Okay, so, day 30 of imprisonment.
Not bad, actually.
I get pretty good Wi-Fi
down here, so I've been able
to rewatch some of my favorites.
Did another round of
Gilmore Girls.[CHUCKLES]
I can show you around if
you want, give you a tour.
Here, this is my bed.
Here's my mini fridge.
And there's the chicken
they think I eat raw.
And some Yoo-hoos.
And that is where I, um yeah.
Without me, the vampires
don't know what they're doing.
Like, literally they can't
do anything without me.
They can't even imprison someone.
You want to see something cool?
Here's a little secret.
What I've been doing is I've been
sneaking out when they go into slumber.
Colin Robinson heads
out to work by 9:45,
so I'm up by then.
I've been coming up here
and doing all the things
that need to be done to
keep the house functioning.
♪
Of course they don't notice, because
they just think it
happens automatically.
It doesn't.
I do it.
Heads up.
I mean, I should really just consider
escaping,
And leaving.
And never coming back.
Especially 'cause they're considering
you know, killing me. [LAUGHS]
- Thank you.
- But I just wonder what
would happen if I wasn't
here to help them out.
They're like family.
I know
codependent much? [SHORT CHUCKLE]
[CROWS CAWING]
NADJA: Look, I, too have developed
a small seed of affection
for Guillermo, but the
vampire code stands.
He killed vampires,
therefore he must be killed.
NANDOR: What about the warrior's code?
A man who saves your life
in battle should be owed
a debt of eternal gratitude and mercy.
Ah, yeah, the, uh,
perennial conundrum between
- the warrior code and the vampire code
- [THUD]
What Uh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, what was that?
NADJA: Oh, you know what, it's
probably one of the black birds
that's been gathering outside lately.
[NANDOR GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
How you holding up?
Yeah, comme ci, comme ça.
I don't know what that means.
So has there been any updates
- on my fate?
- No.
It's really looking like we're
going to end up killing you.
Well
- I'm a soldier.
- Yes.
Not a great warrior like
you, of course, but
- Oh, thank you.
- a soldier nonetheless.
Who saved your life.
And would do it again in a heartbeat.
'Cause that's the code I live by.
The code of the warrior.
Yes.
This is what I've been
trying to tell them.
You are?
There's a code amongst warriors.
- The warriors code.
- Yes.
Sadly, I am but a lone
voice crying out in the
wilderness.
[GRUNTS]
Ow. Fucking splinter in my foot.
Which reminds me.
I brought you your dinner.
- The chicken.
- Yes.
I let it warm up to room
temperature for a few days.
Oh mm.
- I'll leave the light on.
- Thank you.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[CAWING]
[PHONE CHIMING]
I put these security cameras
everywhere just to make sure
the vampires are safe.
Usually, the only alerts I
get are when raccoons get into
the trash cans or Laszlo
goes out to the potting shed
in the back yard to, uh, whack off.
But
What the hell?
And you're comfortable
slumbering in your coffin
knowing that bloody Guillermo's
poncing around the house?
We could get locks for our
coffins inside locks.
Does such a thing even exist?
LASZLO: I can't even slumber
knowing he's downstairs
in that basement, so I've been
busy in my potting shed.
Well, I've continued
to sift through his stinky pickles
from his toilet bucket,
and I can confirm
he's not smuggling out
any secret messages.
Good work, Colin
Robinson. [CLEARS THROAT]
But I will continue to sift through it
on a daily basis in
- The
- What?
[ALL GASPING, WHIMPERING]
Stand back!
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
NADJA: Laszlo, get down!
Ooh! What the heck?!
You hit me with a stake!
Stand back! She's trying
to kill all of you.
See, this is what I'm talking
about. He's a good soldier.
- He's gonna kill us all!
- I'm not trying to kill anyone.
- I'm not trying to kill anyone, either except for you!
- GUIDE: Great.
- Whoa.
- NANDOR: Good catch.
Thank you.
Chillax, familiar.
We get it: you're a vampire-killer,
with the stakes and the reflexes
and all that great job.
- [CLAPS]
- Yay. Now,
- may I speak?
- LASZLO: You may speak,
dark shade, but, remember,
no bullshit from thy mouth.
COLIN: But before you speak,
how did the prisoner
get out of his cage?
- I'll tell you later.
- Okay, but what about your poop bucket?
I mean, is it empty,
half-empty, mostly liquid,
or are there some Lincoln
Logs in there for me?
- Okay.
- GUIDE: Listen, everyone,
I didn't mean to alarm you,
but we haven't heard from you.
We sent 87 ravens to summon you
which is a big deal for our budget.
- Oh, that makes sense all the ravens.
- [OVERLAPPING MUTTERING]
Okay. So you did see them,
and you did nothing,
just like last time?
Well, maybe you could
try using the telephone?
We did try the telephone.
It is Guillermo's job
to answer the telephone.
I'm sorry, but why did you
not answer the telephone?
Because you had me in
a cage in the basement!
Always an excuse with this wise guy.
GUIDE: All right, on
to the business at hand.
I come to you with a personal message
from the Supreme
Worldwide Vampiric Council.
- Oh, shit.
- Yes, the council that rules
over all other councils.
Now, do you have a VCR?
- A what?
- How are you spelling that?
V-C-R.
- "Visar."
- No.
- Is this really necessary?
- NANDOR: Yes, it is.
- LASZO: Ah, ah, ah.
- GUIDE: Vampires all, draw ye near
that ye may receive the message
from the Supreme
Worldwide Vampiric Council.
[WHISPERS]: Now press play.
GUILLERMO: That's rewind. That's pause.
- I'm pressing it.
- COLIN: The Voice is on in a little bit
- can we, uh
- NANDOR: Careful.
- Ugh.
- Play.
♪
Hi.
- Nandor the Relentless,
- NANDOR: Yes?
- Nadja of Antipaxos,
- NADJA: Oh!
Leslie "Laszlo" Cravensworth
and Colin Rubenstein,
I applaud you.
Congratulations. With the help
of your bloodthirsty minion,
you have eliminated almost
70% of the most powerful vampires
in the Tri-State area.
What? He's here now?
- Right when I'm doing this piece?
- Is he being sarcastic?
- Tell him to go
- It does sound a little bit
- not sarcastic,
- to my chambers and wait there.
- What's the other word that sort of means "sarcastic"?
- Okay, where was I?
- Ah, yes
- Begins with "F."
Lest you think I'm being facetious,
- That's the word.
- I can assure you
I am not.
"Vampire must never kill vampire."
Is that not the thing
that we say all the time?
- We do. Uh some of us do.
- At dinner parties
- I do.
- and at social gatherings, we come and say,
"Hey, how's it going, Jeffrey?
Vampire shall not kill vampire,"
just to remind ourselves of
that big law that we made
many, many years ago.
But when a vampire kills, like,
37, 38 vampires?
Well, these are vampires
who know how to get things done.
- Oh, isn't he great?
- [EXCLAIMING]
So this is why I am
pleased to announce that
you four are hereby appointed
- to be the leaders
- What the fuck?
- of the Vampiric Council
- Oh!
of the Eastern Seaboard
of the New World.
- GUIDE: Wow. That's sort of
- Congratulations,
- a surprise even to me.
- guys. Well done.
- NADJA: Very nice!
- So, sit upon the throne with pride.
- [SQUEALS]
- You are in charge now.
We will be monitoring your progress.
- And with that, I bid you adieu.
- Adieu to you.
- Yeah, yeah.
- NANDOR: A dude.
- FML.
- Hell yeah.
I love thrones
they're my favorite chair.
It is a great honor.
But, also, you know,
quite a responsibility.
COLIN: Well, I've been on the local
Vampiric Council for a few years now.
Mainly at an entry-level position.
I Well, what can I say?
It's good to be the king. [CHUCKLES]
Mel Brooks, History
of the world: Part I.
LASZLO: I didn't become a vampire
to end up a pen-pushing bureaucrat.
I became a vampire to suck
blood and to fuck forever.
- But you must admit, this is quite an honor.
- I couldn't give a fuck.
Push the stop button.
It is the record button.
- GUILLERMO: Should I turn it off?
- Who is he talking to?
- GUIDE: Just turn it off.
- The red one.
I have done the bidding for countless
fearsome and legendary councils.
Lords and lady,
I have assisted every local
Vampiric Council since 1759.
The best of the best.
I now stand charged with assisting you.
- Nice.
- All right.
And now we have these guys.
Which is
whatever, you know,
it's above my pay grade.
NADJA: You know, it isn't just an honor.
It is also a nine-to-five.
You know, full-time working
job. I'm a working woman.
This is now a documentary
about Vampire Council leaders.
I will take you upon tomorrow's
eve to Vampiric Council
headquarters so that you
may assume the throne.
Once the leader of men.
Now a leader of vampires.
But one matter still remains:
what to do about Guillermo?
- Do you have to chain me?
- Uh, no.
Then why did you do it?
Well, seemed kind of fun.
All right, get in there.
Kneel before your masters, fool.
I will not kneel.
All right, then. Shit.
Who-who took the
batteries out of my proddy?
- Just let him stand there, Colin Robinson.
- We all agreed
- I could prod him one more time.
- Yeah, yeah, well, you tried,
and nothing happened.
We have a lot to get
through this evening.
[CLEARS THROAT] Guillermo
de la eh
What is it again?
- Um, Greenberg?
- De la Cruz.
- Oh.
- We have come to a final
decision regarding your fate.
All those in favor of revealing
this decision, say aye!
ALL: Aye!
It's unanimous.
- In the case of Guillermo Greenberg de la Cruz
- Not my name.
in the killing of many, many vampires,
we have come to a final
decision regarding your fate.
We have decided
- Drum roll.
- Thank you.
[NADJA IMITATES CYMBAL CRASH]
not to kill you.
NADJA: At least not right now,
and not for this particular thing,
but my eyes are on you.
You were shitting yourself
there for a second, weren't you?
- Little bit.
- In fact, for our own protection,
we have decided
to make you a fully-fledged
member of the team.
What?
You're gonna make me a vampire.
- Course we're fucking not,
- What?
- you idiot.
- Fucking kidding me. [LAUGHS]
NANDOR: No, we're gonna do something
much better than that.
Do you want to do
another drum roll or
- I don't think drum roll's
- NADJA: No. I
- That is it.
- We are gonna make you
a vampires'
- bodyguard.
- Ah!
- Hmm.
- NANDOR: Exciting.
Not not really what "a fully-fledged
- member of the group" kind of person
- NADJA: Well, excuse me,
it's a big bloody step
up from being a familiar,
and it's way better than being dead,
- so you gonna take it or leave it?
- Take it.
- Okay. I'll take it.
- NANDOR: Okay, good.
All those in favor of accepting
his acceptance, say aye!
ALL: Aye!
Okay. Great. Unanimous
Uh, tut, tut, tut
Before you remove the chains,
there's just, uh, another
thing that you will have to do
for it to be, you know, finalized.
This thing, it might, uh
might be a little bit
dangerous. For you.
Vampiric hypnosis
is a very powerful tool,
which, if improperly used
by the hypnotizer, can
really mess up the mind
of the hypnotizee.
NADJA: And the twice-as-powerful
double hypnosis can lead
to weak brain or, even worse,
the thoughtless Sallies.
And if things go very, very tits-up,
you end up with full-blown
brain scramblies.
LASZLO: As we both know, my darling,
from experience, but
take that up a notch.
to a three-way hypnosis,
well, then you might be
faced with the purple screaming Henries.
Or worse still
half-man, half-madness.
NANDOR: But desperate times
call for desperate measures.
So, a four-way hypnosis?
NADJA: Yes, and we've actually
never ever done one
of those before, so
LASZLO: Yeah, and the odds
against you being normal afterwards
are pretty fucking low.
Do you think I can have a
minute to think about it?
The prisoner needs a
moment to think about it.
It's okay. I thought about it.
He's thunk about it.
Okay. And I agree.
- Great.
- Yeah, being alone in that cell
down there gives you a lot of time.
- Mm.
- And you guys you're like my family.
It's okay, you don't have
to give us your life story.
- We get it. Should we, uh
- LASZLO: Yeah.
Assume the position.
What position would that be?
I haven't got a fucking
clue. What is it?
Uh, stand there, we'll come to you.
- Yes.
- Good idea.
- [NANDOR CLEARS THROAT]
- [ALL VOCALIZING]
NANDOR: Quadruple hypnosis.
ALL: Guillermo
Greenberg de la Cruz,
you will now find yourself
in a trance-like state.
GUILLERMO: Between you and I,
vampire hypnosis doesn't
work on me anymore.
I mean, it used to, years ago,
when they first started doing it.
But I guess after a
while, my body just
got immune to it.
ALL: When you awaken, and for
the rest of your natural life,
you will in no way harm Nandor
GUILLERMO: And they used to use
it on the stupidest things, too.
Things I would've done anyways.
Gizmo, stop doing that.
Could you do me a small favor?
Fetch me the book,
which is next to my father's ashes.
Do it a bit quicker because
you are interrupting
my magazine reading.
Now go into the basement and
fetch my witch's skin hat.
Don't you fucking dare.
So, yeah.
I just let them think
they can hypnotize me.
Who's gonna know the difference?
- [ALL CHANTING]
- Wait, wait, wait. Also
whenever Colin Robinson says your name,
you will meow like a kitty cat.
The
ALL: End.
Colin Robinson, why did
you have to add that bit?
It's for me, all right?! For me!
[EXHALES]
Guillermo awaken.
[GASPS]
Is your brain fully operational?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- He's not fine.
He's got that slack jaw, half-wit look.
Guillermo, you will now
take Colin Robinson's peen and scrotum
and crush it in your hand.
- What? No.
- Good idea.
LASZLO: Yeah.
NANDOR: He's gonna do it.
I'm afraid I can't, Master.
As much as I would love to,
something compels me not to.
- It worked! Yay!
- It worked! [LAUGHS]
Yeah, wait, wait, wait! No, no.
- NANDOR: Yes!
- Hold on, hold on. Guillermo?
- Meow.
- [LAUGHING]
It worked.
NANDOR: This building. Eesh!
Still sends shivers through my bones.
Last time we were here we were sentenced
to death by the Vampiric Council.
Had we not escaped
from this cack house
- I saved them.
- We saved them.
Had we not escaped from
this fluorescent mausoleum,
we'd be fucking dead.
First thank you.
NANDOR: Does anyone remember
how the elevator works?
NADJA: Nandor, just tell it
to take us to the dungeon.
COLIN: I think it's P3.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- NANDOR: Oh.
- GUIDE: This is my favorite room.
- NANDOR: This is lovely.
- LASZLO: Very nice.
GUIDE: And I'm sure you'll all remember
- the judgement chamber.
- LASZLO: No.
NANDOR: How could we forget?
Yes. I remember it well.
The last time we were in this very room,
we were sentenced to
death and Wesley Snipes
- was right over there on a laptop.
- GUIDE: Right.
And now you're the ones who will be
sentencing other vampires to death.
- BOTH: Yes!
- GUIDE: Which doesn't really make a lot of sense to me.
[LAUGHS] But, whatever,
above my pay grade.
I am here to serve.
Good for you. That's great.
NADJA: Well, it's much bigger and
- more impressive than I remember.
- Yes.
Feel a little bit chilly willies, too.
- Oh.
- NANDOR: It is a little cold.
- GUIDE: These are the wraiths.
- Oh, great,
I'm fucking freezing.
- Oh!
- GUIDE: Do not fear them
- they are here to serve us.
- Thank you.
NANDOR: Thanks a lot.
Darling, it's almost as soft as you are.
LASZLO: Mm, very nice.
Are they gonna come back
with another one? 'Cause
Membership has its privileges.
Clearly.
Now, before we get down to business
- [SNAPS FINGERS]
- [NANDOR EXCLAIMS]
- Ooh, nice.
- GUIDE: Which one of you
will assume the Master's Throne?
Is there not a throne for all of us?
[LAUGHING]
No!
I just I assumed, you
know, because there is more
than one of us, there will
be more than one throne.
- This is it. Listen.
- LASZLO: Oh.
You're all on the Vampiric Council,
- All of us?
- But those All four of you.
But only one of you can
be the supreme leader.
The one who rules over all vampires.
All vampires in the local New York area.
And also is the boss
over all the other members
of the Council only one.
So who will be the supreme leader
who rules over all others?
- Um
- Fuck no.
- I'll do it.
- I think I'm probably the best one for it, probably I think
They're idiots.
Haven't decided yet, Colin Robinson!
- You will not take it!
- We've to make a decision together!
King of the nighttime world ♪
You're my headlight queen ♪
I'm the king of the nighttime world ♪
Come live your secret dream ♪
I'm the king of the nighttime world ♪
You're my headlight queen ♪
I'm the king of the nighttime world ♪
I'm the king, now come
live your secret dreams ♪
I'm the king of the nighttime world ♪
You're my headlight queen ♪
I'm the king of the nighttime world. ♪
[CAWING]
It is a dark time in Staten Island.
A lot of vampires have been slaughtered.
[GRUNTING, SCREAMING]
Not us, thankfully. We're fine.
But are we?
I don't think we are. [SHORT CHUCKLE]
NANDOR: The worst part
is that it was our familiar
that did the slaughtering.
The worst part is it was Nandor's
own familiar that did the slaughtering.
It was Nandor's employee.
Really Nandor's responsibility.
- Yep.
- Talk to Nandor.
It is true that Guillermo
the familiar that all
of us share command of
and responsibility for is the
one that did the slaughtering.
- Aah!
- NANDOR: But he did it
to save our lives from
the Vampiric Council.
Still, he should not have
done so much slaughtering.
I frankly couldn't give a
cat's knuckle about Gizmo.
I mean, he's just kind of
this fluttering lickspittle
that is always bouncing
about, always behind Nandor.
- But Nandor likes him.
- LASZLO: Oh, shut up, Colin Robinson.
- You're giving me the pip.
- Yes.
And we are running out of time here.
Well, I guess I should
just shut the fuck up then.
If you insist.
NADJA: I'm not objecting.
You know, we know what we have to do.
We have to put Guillermo to death
before he puts all of us to death.
- But he saved our lives.
- NADJA: Okay, so we're saying,
"Thank you for saving us, but sorry,
you're our mortal enemy
you got to die, babes."
But we are still in imminent danger.
May I remind you all
that we were sentenced
to death by the Vampiric
Council for killing vampires.
- Which he did.
- And then more vampires were killed.
- By him.
- Which means they're gonna send more assassins
over here to get us. And
perhaps our familiar
- Your familiar, dickhead.
- You hired him, you bloody plonker.
is the only one that can protect us.
But how do you know he's
not going to kill us?
- It is in his bloods.
- COLIN: Ah, yes.
Francis Galton's perennial conundrum:
- nature versus nurture
- LASZLO: Shut the fuck up.
- Speak quiet, Colin Robinson.
- Stop it, Colin Robinson.
DOLL NADJA: Everybody
relax. I have given this
a lot of thought, and my vote is
- You don't get a vote.
- Hey!
- Why not?
- Because you are basically
just another version of Nadja,
and so your vote would
be the same as hers,
- which is not fair.
- BOTH: You don't know that.
- Just because
- Oh, sorry, you go.
- No, you go.
- No, you go.
- Okay, I'll go.
- Okay, fine.
What would your vote be?
Death.
What a brilliant point she has.
I think we should slumber on this.
We do not have time to slumber!
The Vampiric Council is probably
- out there now searching for us and him as we speak.
- [BELL RINGING]
Silence! And hark.
That was him.
What could he want?
Perhaps he is warning
us of an imminent danger.
Or maybe his poop bucket's full.
- We must check.
- I hope it's the poop bucket.
Oh, and while you're down there
kill him.
["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]
Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
You sold out your dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world. ♪
NANDOR: Make sure that you
use the handrail, because
- the stairs are very steep.
- [CLATTERING]
LASZLO: Stupid prick.
NANDOR: When was he last fed?
- COLIN: What day is it?
- LASZLO: Sunday, maybe?
Really? Gosh, it feels like Saturday.
It's just, like, "Where
did my weekend go?"
[LAUGHING]: Am I right?
NANDOR: This is why I said
we should have a checklist
of when he was fed and who fed him.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
How long has he been down here?
Almost a month. 29 days.
A month, and you've not
decided his fate yet?
Well, I have certainly been trying to.
A decision like that,
there's a lot of moving parts.
Got it.
Now remember, do not look
him directly in the eyes.
We still do not know
the depths of his power.
I never looked him in the
eyes anyway, so I'm certainly
not gonna start now. Get the door open.
Stand aside.
- Hi.
- Guillermo, why did you summon us?
- Is there a threat of imminent danger?
- No.
- Stand back! He's lunging at us!
- NADJA: Oh!
Not that I know of.
- My bathroom bucket's full, needs to be emptied.
- NANDOR: Eesh.
- Okay. Maybe one of you big, strong men
- I'll do it. I'll do it.
I-I think it's important
that I sift through the scat
to see if he's sending
out any secret messages.
- LASZLO: Scat away.
- NANDOR: Good thinking.
NADJA: Um, so, here are your foods.
- [SHORT CHUCKLE]
- Thank you, Nadja.
- You can just hand it to me. I'm not
- Stay.
- not gonna hurt you.
- NANDOR: Nice job.
Yay, more raw chicken.
The prisoner will slide
his bucket of shame
over to the sally port.
And the prisoner will be reminded
not to make any sudden movements,
- lest he get the prod.
- I have a name.
Just slide your shit
bucket over to sally's port.
Thank you.
- [NADJA RETCHING]
- NANDOR: Careful.
- GUILLERMO: There you go.
- COLIN: Come to Mama.
GUILLERMO: This is ridiculous.
Can't you just let me out?
- You know I wouldn't hurt you.
- LASZLO: Bullshit. Please remember
that this man is a vampire killer.
I was protecting you!
I saved your lives!
Yes, and we have taken
that into consideration.
But we are still in discussions about
what your fate is going to be.
Oh, okay. And may I ask
how far along you are
- in these discussions? Or is it one of those things
- LASZLO: No.
where you just linger
and argue with each other
'cause you don't have
a Guillermo next to you
to solve all of your problems?
- This fucking guy.
- Insolent!
- You need to prod him.
- Hey, hey, hey! The prisoner will be reminded
- to treat his captors with respect and kindness.
- Yes.
- Or he'll taste the wrath of my
- NANDOR: Do it.
- GUILLERMO: Don't touch the metal.
- Prod. Ow!
- Shit!
- NANDOR: Ay, shit.
- You okay?
- No!
LASZLO: Let's go. We've
lingered here long enough.
He'll just do his mind magic on us.
- What?
- That's probably what he's doing
- with my cattle prod.
- GUILLERMO: No, don't touch that end,
- Colin Rob
- Ow!
- NANDOR: Ay, fuck.
- Shit! That one was on me.
- Not giving you credit for that one.
- GUILLERMO: I don't want credit.
We will make a judgement
about your future shortly.
And who's gonna protect you, huh?
I'm not asking
for any kind of special treatment!
I'm just want to protect
you from yourselves!
Laszlo. Laszlo?
- No, Laszlo
- [ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
COLIN: Ow, Fuck!
Okay, so, day 30 of imprisonment.
Not bad, actually.
I get pretty good Wi-Fi
down here, so I've been able
to rewatch some of my favorites.
Did another round of
Gilmore Girls.[CHUCKLES]
I can show you around if
you want, give you a tour.
Here, this is my bed.
Here's my mini fridge.
And there's the chicken
they think I eat raw.
And some Yoo-hoos.
And that is where I, um yeah.
Without me, the vampires
don't know what they're doing.
Like, literally they can't
do anything without me.
They can't even imprison someone.
You want to see something cool?
Here's a little secret.
What I've been doing is I've been
sneaking out when they go into slumber.
Colin Robinson heads
out to work by 9:45,
so I'm up by then.
I've been coming up here
and doing all the things
that need to be done to
keep the house functioning.
♪
Of course they don't notice, because
they just think it
happens automatically.
It doesn't.
I do it.
Heads up.
I mean, I should really just consider
escaping,
And leaving.
And never coming back.
Especially 'cause they're considering
you know, killing me. [LAUGHS]
- Thank you.
- But I just wonder what
would happen if I wasn't
here to help them out.
They're like family.
I know
codependent much? [SHORT CHUCKLE]
[CROWS CAWING]
NADJA: Look, I, too have developed
a small seed of affection
for Guillermo, but the
vampire code stands.
He killed vampires,
therefore he must be killed.
NANDOR: What about the warrior's code?
A man who saves your life
in battle should be owed
a debt of eternal gratitude and mercy.
Ah, yeah, the, uh,
perennial conundrum between
- the warrior code and the vampire code
- [THUD]
What Uh, whoa, whoa,
whoa, what was that?
NADJA: Oh, you know what, it's
probably one of the black birds
that's been gathering outside lately.
[NANDOR GRUNTS]
[SIGHS]
How you holding up?
Yeah, comme ci, comme ça.
I don't know what that means.
So has there been any updates
- on my fate?
- No.
It's really looking like we're
going to end up killing you.
Well
- I'm a soldier.
- Yes.
Not a great warrior like
you, of course, but
- Oh, thank you.
- a soldier nonetheless.
Who saved your life.
And would do it again in a heartbeat.
'Cause that's the code I live by.
The code of the warrior.
Yes.
This is what I've been
trying to tell them.
You are?
There's a code amongst warriors.
- The warriors code.
- Yes.
Sadly, I am but a lone
voice crying out in the
wilderness.
[GRUNTS]
Ow. Fucking splinter in my foot.
Which reminds me.
I brought you your dinner.
- The chicken.
- Yes.
I let it warm up to room
temperature for a few days.
Oh mm.
- I'll leave the light on.
- Thank you.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[CAWING]
[PHONE CHIMING]
I put these security cameras
everywhere just to make sure
the vampires are safe.
Usually, the only alerts I
get are when raccoons get into
the trash cans or Laszlo
goes out to the potting shed
in the back yard to, uh, whack off.
But
What the hell?
And you're comfortable
slumbering in your coffin
knowing that bloody Guillermo's
poncing around the house?
We could get locks for our
coffins inside locks.
Does such a thing even exist?
LASZLO: I can't even slumber
knowing he's downstairs
in that basement, so I've been
busy in my potting shed.
Well, I've continued
to sift through his stinky pickles
from his toilet bucket,
and I can confirm
he's not smuggling out
any secret messages.
Good work, Colin
Robinson. [CLEARS THROAT]
But I will continue to sift through it
on a daily basis in
- The
- What?
[ALL GASPING, WHIMPERING]
Stand back!
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
NADJA: Laszlo, get down!
Ooh! What the heck?!
You hit me with a stake!
Stand back! She's trying
to kill all of you.
See, this is what I'm talking
about. He's a good soldier.
- He's gonna kill us all!
- I'm not trying to kill anyone.
- I'm not trying to kill anyone, either except for you!
- GUIDE: Great.
- Whoa.
- NANDOR: Good catch.
Thank you.
Chillax, familiar.
We get it: you're a vampire-killer,
with the stakes and the reflexes
and all that great job.
- [CLAPS]
- Yay. Now,
- may I speak?
- LASZLO: You may speak,
dark shade, but, remember,
no bullshit from thy mouth.
COLIN: But before you speak,
how did the prisoner
get out of his cage?
- I'll tell you later.
- Okay, but what about your poop bucket?
I mean, is it empty,
half-empty, mostly liquid,
or are there some Lincoln
Logs in there for me?
- Okay.
- GUIDE: Listen, everyone,
I didn't mean to alarm you,
but we haven't heard from you.
We sent 87 ravens to summon you
which is a big deal for our budget.
- Oh, that makes sense all the ravens.
- [OVERLAPPING MUTTERING]
Okay. So you did see them,
and you did nothing,
just like last time?
Well, maybe you could
try using the telephone?
We did try the telephone.
It is Guillermo's job
to answer the telephone.
I'm sorry, but why did you
not answer the telephone?
Because you had me in
a cage in the basement!
Always an excuse with this wise guy.
GUIDE: All right, on
to the business at hand.
I come to you with a personal message
from the Supreme
Worldwide Vampiric Council.
- Oh, shit.
- Yes, the council that rules
over all other councils.
Now, do you have a VCR?
- A what?
- How are you spelling that?
V-C-R.
- "Visar."
- No.
- Is this really necessary?
- NANDOR: Yes, it is.
- LASZO: Ah, ah, ah.
- GUIDE: Vampires all, draw ye near
that ye may receive the message
from the Supreme
Worldwide Vampiric Council.
[WHISPERS]: Now press play.
GUILLERMO: That's rewind. That's pause.
- I'm pressing it.
- COLIN: The Voice is on in a little bit
- can we, uh
- NANDOR: Careful.
- Ugh.
- Play.
♪
Hi.
- Nandor the Relentless,
- NANDOR: Yes?
- Nadja of Antipaxos,
- NADJA: Oh!
Leslie "Laszlo" Cravensworth
and Colin Rubenstein,
I applaud you.
Congratulations. With the help
of your bloodthirsty minion,
you have eliminated almost
70% of the most powerful vampires
in the Tri-State area.
What? He's here now?
- Right when I'm doing this piece?
- Is he being sarcastic?
- Tell him to go
- It does sound a little bit
- not sarcastic,
- to my chambers and wait there.
- What's the other word that sort of means "sarcastic"?
- Okay, where was I?
- Ah, yes
- Begins with "F."
Lest you think I'm being facetious,
- That's the word.
- I can assure you
I am not.
"Vampire must never kill vampire."
Is that not the thing
that we say all the time?
- We do. Uh some of us do.
- At dinner parties
- I do.
- and at social gatherings, we come and say,
"Hey, how's it going, Jeffrey?
Vampire shall not kill vampire,"
just to remind ourselves of
that big law that we made
many, many years ago.
But when a vampire kills, like,
37, 38 vampires?
Well, these are vampires
who know how to get things done.
- Oh, isn't he great?
- [EXCLAIMING]
So this is why I am
pleased to announce that
you four are hereby appointed
- to be the leaders
- What the fuck?
- of the Vampiric Council
- Oh!
of the Eastern Seaboard
of the New World.
- GUIDE: Wow. That's sort of
- Congratulations,
- a surprise even to me.
- guys. Well done.
- NADJA: Very nice!
- So, sit upon the throne with pride.
- [SQUEALS]
- You are in charge now.
We will be monitoring your progress.
- And with that, I bid you adieu.
- Adieu to you.
- Yeah, yeah.
- NANDOR: A dude.
- FML.
- Hell yeah.
I love thrones
they're my favorite chair.
It is a great honor.
But, also, you know,
quite a responsibility.
COLIN: Well, I've been on the local
Vampiric Council for a few years now.
Mainly at an entry-level position.
I Well, what can I say?
It's good to be the king. [CHUCKLES]
Mel Brooks, History
of the world: Part I.
LASZLO: I didn't become a vampire
to end up a pen-pushing bureaucrat.
I became a vampire to suck
blood and to fuck forever.
- But you must admit, this is quite an honor.
- I couldn't give a fuck.
Push the stop button.
It is the record button.
- GUILLERMO: Should I turn it off?
- Who is he talking to?
- GUIDE: Just turn it off.
- The red one.
I have done the bidding for countless
fearsome and legendary councils.
Lords and lady,
I have assisted every local
Vampiric Council since 1759.
The best of the best.
I now stand charged with assisting you.
- Nice.
- All right.
And now we have these guys.
Which is
whatever, you know,
it's above my pay grade.
NADJA: You know, it isn't just an honor.
It is also a nine-to-five.
You know, full-time working
job. I'm a working woman.
This is now a documentary
about Vampire Council leaders.
I will take you upon tomorrow's
eve to Vampiric Council
headquarters so that you
may assume the throne.
Once the leader of men.
Now a leader of vampires.
But one matter still remains:
what to do about Guillermo?
- Do you have to chain me?
- Uh, no.
Then why did you do it?
Well, seemed kind of fun.
All right, get in there.
Kneel before your masters, fool.
I will not kneel.
All right, then. Shit.
Who-who took the
batteries out of my proddy?
- Just let him stand there, Colin Robinson.
- We all agreed
- I could prod him one more time.
- Yeah, yeah, well, you tried,
and nothing happened.
We have a lot to get
through this evening.
[CLEARS THROAT] Guillermo
de la eh
What is it again?
- Um, Greenberg?
- De la Cruz.
- Oh.
- We have come to a final
decision regarding your fate.
All those in favor of revealing
this decision, say aye!
ALL: Aye!
It's unanimous.
- In the case of Guillermo Greenberg de la Cruz
- Not my name.
in the killing of many, many vampires,
we have come to a final
decision regarding your fate.
We have decided
- Drum roll.
- Thank you.
[NADJA IMITATES CYMBAL CRASH]
not to kill you.
NADJA: At least not right now,
and not for this particular thing,
but my eyes are on you.
You were shitting yourself
there for a second, weren't you?
- Little bit.
- In fact, for our own protection,
we have decided
to make you a fully-fledged
member of the team.
What?
You're gonna make me a vampire.
- Course we're fucking not,
- What?
- you idiot.
- Fucking kidding me. [LAUGHS]
NANDOR: No, we're gonna do something
much better than that.
Do you want to do
another drum roll or
- I don't think drum roll's
- NADJA: No. I
- That is it.
- We are gonna make you
a vampires'
- bodyguard.
- Ah!
- Hmm.
- NANDOR: Exciting.
Not not really what "a fully-fledged
- member of the group" kind of person
- NADJA: Well, excuse me,
it's a big bloody step
up from being a familiar,
and it's way better than being dead,
- so you gonna take it or leave it?
- Take it.
- Okay. I'll take it.
- NANDOR: Okay, good.
All those in favor of accepting
his acceptance, say aye!
ALL: Aye!
Okay. Great. Unanimous
Uh, tut, tut, tut
Before you remove the chains,
there's just, uh, another
thing that you will have to do
for it to be, you know, finalized.
This thing, it might, uh
might be a little bit
dangerous. For you.
Vampiric hypnosis
is a very powerful tool,
which, if improperly used
by the hypnotizer, can
really mess up the mind
of the hypnotizee.
NADJA: And the twice-as-powerful
double hypnosis can lead
to weak brain or, even worse,
the thoughtless Sallies.
And if things go very, very tits-up,
you end up with full-blown
brain scramblies.
LASZLO: As we both know, my darling,
from experience, but
take that up a notch.
to a three-way hypnosis,
well, then you might be
faced with the purple screaming Henries.
Or worse still
half-man, half-madness.
NANDOR: But desperate times
call for desperate measures.
So, a four-way hypnosis?
NADJA: Yes, and we've actually
never ever done one
of those before, so
LASZLO: Yeah, and the odds
against you being normal afterwards
are pretty fucking low.
Do you think I can have a
minute to think about it?
The prisoner needs a
moment to think about it.
It's okay. I thought about it.
He's thunk about it.
Okay. And I agree.
- Great.
- Yeah, being alone in that cell
down there gives you a lot of time.
- Mm.
- And you guys you're like my family.
It's okay, you don't have
to give us your life story.
- We get it. Should we, uh
- LASZLO: Yeah.
Assume the position.
What position would that be?
I haven't got a fucking
clue. What is it?
Uh, stand there, we'll come to you.
- Yes.
- Good idea.
- [NANDOR CLEARS THROAT]
- [ALL VOCALIZING]
NANDOR: Quadruple hypnosis.
ALL: Guillermo
Greenberg de la Cruz,
you will now find yourself
in a trance-like state.
GUILLERMO: Between you and I,
vampire hypnosis doesn't
work on me anymore.
I mean, it used to, years ago,
when they first started doing it.
But I guess after a
while, my body just
got immune to it.
ALL: When you awaken, and for
the rest of your natural life,
you will in no way harm Nandor
GUILLERMO: And they used to use
it on the stupidest things, too.
Things I would've done anyways.
Gizmo, stop doing that.
Could you do me a small favor?
Fetch me the book,
which is next to my father's ashes.
Do it a bit quicker because
you are interrupting
my magazine reading.
Now go into the basement and
fetch my witch's skin hat.
Don't you fucking dare.
So, yeah.
I just let them think
they can hypnotize me.
Who's gonna know the difference?
- [ALL CHANTING]
- Wait, wait, wait. Also
whenever Colin Robinson says your name,
you will meow like a kitty cat.
The
ALL: End.
Colin Robinson, why did
you have to add that bit?
It's for me, all right?! For me!
[EXHALES]
Guillermo awaken.
[GASPS]
Is your brain fully operational?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- He's not fine.
He's got that slack jaw, half-wit look.
Guillermo, you will now
take Colin Robinson's peen and scrotum
and crush it in your hand.
- What? No.
- Good idea.
LASZLO: Yeah.
NANDOR: He's gonna do it.
I'm afraid I can't, Master.
As much as I would love to,
something compels me not to.
- It worked! Yay!
- It worked! [LAUGHS]
Yeah, wait, wait, wait! No, no.
- NANDOR: Yes!
- Hold on, hold on. Guillermo?
- Meow.
- [LAUGHING]
It worked.
NANDOR: This building. Eesh!
Still sends shivers through my bones.
Last time we were here we were sentenced
to death by the Vampiric Council.
Had we not escaped
from this cack house
- I saved them.
- We saved them.
Had we not escaped from
this fluorescent mausoleum,
we'd be fucking dead.
First thank you.
NANDOR: Does anyone remember
how the elevator works?
NADJA: Nandor, just tell it
to take us to the dungeon.
COLIN: I think it's P3.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
- NANDOR: Oh.
- GUIDE: This is my favorite room.
- NANDOR: This is lovely.
- LASZLO: Very nice.
GUIDE: And I'm sure you'll all remember
- the judgement chamber.
- LASZLO: No.
NANDOR: How could we forget?
Yes. I remember it well.
The last time we were in this very room,
we were sentenced to
death and Wesley Snipes
- was right over there on a laptop.
- GUIDE: Right.
And now you're the ones who will be
sentencing other vampires to death.
- BOTH: Yes!
- GUIDE: Which doesn't really make a lot of sense to me.
[LAUGHS] But, whatever,
above my pay grade.
I am here to serve.
Good for you. That's great.
NADJA: Well, it's much bigger and
- more impressive than I remember.
- Yes.
Feel a little bit chilly willies, too.
- Oh.
- NANDOR: It is a little cold.
- GUIDE: These are the wraiths.
- Oh, great,
I'm fucking freezing.
- Oh!
- GUIDE: Do not fear them
- they are here to serve us.
- Thank you.
NANDOR: Thanks a lot.
Darling, it's almost as soft as you are.
LASZLO: Mm, very nice.
Are they gonna come back
with another one? 'Cause
Membership has its privileges.
Clearly.
Now, before we get down to business
- [SNAPS FINGERS]
- [NANDOR EXCLAIMS]
- Ooh, nice.
- GUIDE: Which one of you
will assume the Master's Throne?
Is there not a throne for all of us?
[LAUGHING]
No!
I just I assumed, you
know, because there is more
than one of us, there will
be more than one throne.
- This is it. Listen.
- LASZLO: Oh.
You're all on the Vampiric Council,
- All of us?
- But those All four of you.
But only one of you can
be the supreme leader.
The one who rules over all vampires.
All vampires in the local New York area.
And also is the boss
over all the other members
of the Council only one.
So who will be the supreme leader
who rules over all others?
- Um
- Fuck no.
- I'll do it.
- I think I'm probably the best one for it, probably I think
They're idiots.
Haven't decided yet, Colin Robinson!
- You will not take it!
- We've to make a decision together!
King of the nighttime world ♪
You're my headlight queen ♪
I'm the king of the nighttime world ♪
Come live your secret dream ♪
I'm the king of the nighttime world ♪
You're my headlight queen ♪
I'm the king of the nighttime world ♪
I'm the king, now come
live your secret dreams ♪
I'm the king of the nighttime world ♪
You're my headlight queen ♪
I'm the king of the nighttime world. ♪