Xena: Warrior Princess s03e01 Episode Script
The Furies
I came here on business, Alecto.
I know, Xena.
You're obsessed with her.
Call it what you will.
I think I've made an excellent case against her.
I want a judgment, now! Furies! Ares, god of War, has need of our judgment.
You've all heard his complaint against the Warrior Princess.
How do you judge? It's unanimous.
The Furies have found Xena guilty,of all charges.
The sentence? What will it be? Persecution or madness? How about, persecution and madness? It's,highly unusual to do both.
I'll be most appreciative.
It shall be done.
Hear me, gods and goddesses.
Xena,Warrior Princess, has committed a terrible crime.
She will be punished by persecution, and madness.
Cool.
Ah, you're afraid.
Yeah, I'm terrified.
I just don't gamble.
You don't gamble? Xena, who are we kidding here? Every day of your life is a roll of the die.
Well, what would we bet? If I win,you have to cook breakfast for me tomorrow morning.
You call that winning? Good point.
If I win, you have to collect all the firewood for one week.
And if I win, you have to make those little dumplings with the red stuff inside.
Oh, please.
OK.
Yeah.
All right, to that cypress.
Wait.
How big a lead did you say? Three strides.
One, two, three.
OK.
On your mark, get set ! Go.
I win! That is cheating.
OK,cheating's an overstatement.
Hey,boys,out for a morning hunt? Yeah, and you're the quarry, Xena.
And why is that? Well, there's a bounty on your head,and we,plan to collect it.
You know, fellas, there are less painful ways of making a dinar,but, um, if you insist.
Oh, demons of the soul, over Xena's reason roll.
Replace? sweet illusion with the poison of delusion.
To Xena's head do not be kind, for it's your job to make her lose her mind.
Xena.
Wait!I didn't mean to do that.
Here.
All right.
OK.
I love the smell of warrior sweat in the morning.
Go! This thing is great! And to think I've only been using it all these years as a weapon! Xena, you're acting really strange.
Don't be ridiculous, Mavis.
Alley-oop, Argo! Hey,I like this.
I can see where I've been! Xena,now,that,that warrior said that there's a bounty on your head.
Don't you wanna know what that's about? But I don't think he's gonna tell me anything.
Why don't you put the pinch on him? Hah! I've cut off the flow of blood to your brain and other pertinent body parts.
So, tell me-,how old were you when you lost your virginity? Xena.
Shut up, Mavis, this is important.
Fourteen.
Come on.
OK, OK, nineteen, nineteen.
See,Mavis,all you have to do is act nicely.
Quick!Tell us who put the bounty on Xena's head.
The priest.
What priest? The temple of the Furies.
The Furies? All right, all right.
Here's one for you.
What is the capital of Assyria? Xena, take the pinch off him, now! Well, all right,but I think there's still more he could tell us.
Where are you going? To get something to eat.
I'm starved.
What about the Furies? They can get their own.
Xena, I think something terrible has happened to you.
You're not thinking clearly.
Well, you know how I am when I miss breakfast.
No.
Look.
I think the Furies are punishing you for something.
Legend has it they punish with persecution, which explains the bounty, and the madness.
Madness? Yes.
I've never felt better! Let's go to the temple of the Furies and find out what's going on.
No.
Please, Xena,Will you do it for me? Please? OK.
Go, horsey! There are many crimes which the Furies punish with madness.
Why are you telling me this? I'm not crazy.
What do you think? I think we have a serious problem, here, Xena.
I could lose the daisies.
It's not your look that I'm talking about.
It's what's going on inside your head.
You don't wanna go there it's terrifying.
Doesn't that concern you? What do you think? It's too leafy? I think I'm gonna get some sleep.
Xena.
Look at you the guilt the shame.
It's stamped on your faces, clear as mud.
And I won't let you get away with it.
I'm here to avenge your heinous crimes.
I've come to take retribution! Xena? I've come to take retribution in flames! What are you doing? Delivering the wrath of justice.
These people are evil incarnate.
They must burn.
Xena,what have they done? What have they done? Look, can't you see the women and children?! They've crucified the women and children! Xena, Xena, the only people here are women and children.
Xena, they're afraid of you.
Give me the torch.
I'm in trouble, aren't I, Gabrielle? No, we'll get through this.
Xena, we have to get to the temple of the Furies.
The Furies, right.
I'm sorry.
Xena, pull yourself together.
Pull my finger.
Who's there? Ah, the Warrior Princess.
You've heard about the bounty, I take it.
The price on my head? Oh, yes.
Well, if it's my head you want, then take it, cause frankly, it's driving me crazy! What's going on with my friend? The Furies have punished her with both persecution and madness.
They must be appalled by her crime.
What is it? A breach of duty that the Furies are bound to punish.
So, what does she have to do? Avenge the murder of a member of her family.
Anyone who says that I didn't avenge the murder of my brother is a liar.
Xena! His killer died at my hands.
Not your brother.
Who, then? Your father.
My, father? Yes, he was murdered.
By who? That I don't know.
a's punishment will continue until this crime is avenged.
Xena,do you wanna sit down? Xena! Wait! Come back! Bacchus.
Bacchus.
No! It's me!It's, it's me.
It's Gabrielle.
To the gods.
Now, put that down.
Xena! Look.
To the gods.
Listen to me.
We're worthless insects.
Xena, I'm gonna help you.
They're gonna kill us.
I'll help you if you let me.
I can help, Xena, listen! Xena, we have to find out who murdered your father! Xena, if we can bring him to justice, we can satisfy the Furies, Xena.
This is what happened to Orestes! Xena, he didn't avengehis father either! You know, to the god we are nothing but dirty little beetles and they'll kill us for their sport.
Well, I'm sorry,Gabrielle; you can't come with me but I can't be trusted, you know? You behave yourself.
I'm rather ashamed of you.
You behave, or you don't get to come with us.
She's coming right at us.
Come on, guys.
She's a babbling idiot.
She doesn't even know we're here.
Xena.
Oh, she looks so strange.
What's wrong with her? Xena, What happened? Cyrene She's been driven mad, by the Furies.
She was able to tell you that? No,she's incoherent.
But ever since I heard what the Furies did to Orestes, I've been hoping against hope this day'dnever arrive.
So, you know what happened to her father.
He was murdered.
Cyrene, do you know who did it? Cyrene? Yes.
We have to know.
Maybe, then, we can bring the murderer tojustice and satisfy the Furies.
Gabrielle,do you think that Xena, even in this state,could kill her mother? What? I killed Xena's father.
Xena was seven.
Her father, came home from the temple of Ares,drunk,and angry.
He told me Xena had to die.
He was,very confused, Xena.
The priest at the temple must have told him to sacrifice you to Ares.
Your father was, very dedicated to the god of war.
I told him that I wouldn't let him do that.
He said he'd-- kill me too, then.
He went to the stables to sharpen a knife.
He was so,methodical, the way he planned to kill his own daughter.
I took an axe and, I stopped him.
This is the same mess that Orestes was in.
Yes, the, circumstances are the same.
His mother killed his father, and so,his, obligation, according to the code of the Furies, was to kill his mother.
Did it work? I don't know.
I heard he still lives in a village not far from here Andreas.
Maybe I can find him.
Maybe I can find a way to get us out of this.
Perhaps.
Then I'm off to Andreas.
Xena? Look, I know you're in there.
Hey, we're gonna get through this.
You know, we always do.
So Mama killed Papa.
Doesn't matter.
You were trying to save my life, right? I should be grateful.
But you have to admit, you did put me in something of a jam, didn't you? I have an interesting choice, now.
I can kill you or I can spend the rest of my life shuttling between babbling idiocy and vivid clarity.
Did you know that sanity is just a veil that the gods throw over our eyes to stop us from seeing the truth? What is the truth, Xena? That life is a joke! It's a barroom joke at that! And you know what the punchline is? The punchline is that no matter what we do, we still end up as food for the worms.
Mother, there really is only one way out of this.
Go ahead-- do it.
Oh, no, no.
You don't get out of it that easy.
I leave you to entertain the gods.
I am retiring from the stage.
Xena.
Mother, I am a lunatic with lethal combat skills.
If I stay around here much longer, some innocent people are gonna get killed.
I'm doing them a favor.
Xena,what are you doing? Why am I not surprised to find that you have an interest in all this? Of course, I do.
You're my favorite.
I don't wanna see you throw yourself off some cliff.
If for no other reason, it's such a tastelessly melodramatic way out of this life.
Ah, but I'm quite batty, Ares and I have limited choices.
Madness is a rotten way to go through life.
Now, Xena? Don't do that.
There is another solution.
Killing Mommy? No, I don't think so.
Well, I heard what you said to your mother.
And you were right of course what you said about life.
I was ranting.
Like a prophet.
Xena, you were never so close to the truth.
If you're trying to convince me that life's worth living, this is not a good strategy.
No-- life isn't worth living.
It's to be taken, and beaten, and wrestled, and formed in your image.
That's where the meaning lies in what you can twist life into.
For those who just endure life, yeah-- it is a very nasty joke.
But for those who form it with their will, the joke is on those who get in the way.
I must be crazy.
You're beginning to make sense.
This melodrama with your family put it all behind you.
You don't know how common it is for a jealous man to try and punish his wife by hurting the child.
Do you understand what I'm saying to you? Yes, I think I do.
Satisfy the Furies.
Give your mother to the worms.
You are on the brink of ultimate freedom, Xena.
Do it.
You'll be reborn into a world of true choice beyond good and evil.
And not only will Y ou regain your sanity but you'll see the world as few have seen it as a playground to your will.
Now, do it.
But how will the Furies know if I do it? They'll know.
But how? They'll know.
You expect me to trust you? I'm crazy; I'm not stupid.
If I'm gonna whack Mamma, I wanna get something out of it.
I want to know that the Furies are watching! They'll see it.
It's a god thing.
I won't do it unless it's in front of the Furies! All right,it can be arranged.
Good, I'll get Mom.
Xena, you're all right.
I'm anything but all right, Mother.
Yes, of course.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Maybe Gabrielle'll find a Stop it! Gabrielle couldn't save a cat in a sack without me.
She's a useless little pissant, really now that I see things clearly.
That's not true.
And I don't think you're seeing things clearly at all.
No matter.
I'm crazy and you're dead.
Let's go.
What are you saying?! Don't push it with me, Mother.
Xena if that's what you feel you have to do Oh-- the self-sacrificing mother.
That's such a tired cliche'.
Tell me, Mother.
When you and Daddy were rolling around like a pair of crazed weasels, was it good? Please, Xena.
Let's just get this over with.
I have a right to know about the act that brought me into this miserable world.
I will not talk about that! I'm losing patience with you.
Your father was away at war.
Suddenly, one night, he was there with me.
And, yes, it was good! Thank you, Mother.
As you say let's get this over with.
I don't understand.
This is an asylum.
Are you sure we're talking about the same man? That's right.
Here he is.
See for yourself.
Orestes? .
So he didn't do it Didn't do what? He didn't avenge his father's murder.
Oh, yeah, he did.
He killed his mother, Clytemnestra.
But I thought that-- that he'd be liberated from his madness if he killed his mother? Yeah.
Ahh-- it's all a lie.
If they persecuted him for not avenging his father's murder, what were they going to do to him for killing his mother? There was no way out for him.
Furies, hear me! I, Ares, god of war, demand your presence at this act of redemption! She's the murderess? And the avenging party? Don't! Xena, it won't do any good! Sometimes, that is the only way to shut her up.
Is there a problem, Xena? Why am I doing this? She killed your father.
You have to avenge his death or the Furies will torment you for eternity.
Yadda, yadda, yadda-- go.
All right.
She killed my father? Yes! Murdered him in cold blood.
Show her no mercy.
But how could she kill my father when my father is very much alive? Right, Daddy? If you've noticed, she is crazy.
Yeah, I'm completely out of my gourd and I might cut Mommy up later, just for fun but not because she killed my father.
Because you're my father.
Look at that hunk of burning love you had, Mom.
This is nonsense.
Don't you think Cyrene might have mentioned this before now? That's not a very good explanation, Daddy.
Gabrielle, tell him.
Do the bard thing.
The legends say tha Ares takes the form of his warriors and he visits their wives while they're away at battle.
Mom, tell him.
The night Xena was conceived, my husband came home unexpectedly from war.
This is ridiculous.
Do you ladies eavesdrop on us whackos when you're tormenting us? Frequently, yes.
Did you hear that little chit-chat that Daddy and I had on the cliff when he thought I was gonna throw myself over? Had you going there, didn't I? Well, did you? : Yes.
You ladies do dress the part, don't you? Did you wonder why Ares used the word 'jealous' when referring about my alleged father? That was odd.
Why jealous? I mean, he was jealous in the attention Cyrene showed Xena.
It's a common phenomenon.
Oh.
Now, here's my theory.
Ares and Mom do their thing; she gets ripe with me; and then, shortly after that, her husband comes home from war, and he thinks that his manhood did the trick.
Well, I pop out, and he thinks he's my father.
Well, things go on like this for years, and then one night, at the Temple of Ares, someone maybe a drunken priest maybe you,spills the beans.
A jealous rage ensues.
Mom does her thing with the axe, and-- hah! Here we are.
You're not buying any of this.
I am _not_ the father.
Why would he go to all this trouble just to drive you insane? Because a mad Xena would be more sympathetic to his quaint world view.
And you were right.
I meant it when I said that you were beginning to make sense to me.
But the best bit-- the best bit of all and this is a proud daughter talking is when I kill Mom thereby dooming myself forever to insanity and complete dependence on you.
I have ways to prove it.
What's that? We fight.
If I'm half god, I should be able to hold my own.
And if I'm not well, surely the god of war will win.
This is ridiculous.
What are you afraid of, Ares? Me 'cause he knows that I'm half god and all crazy.
Hey, come on, you two you're not gonna get it again,are you? I'm gonna use you as a shield, Gabrielle just kidding.
I win! Well,I think I've proved my point.
Girls, he's been giving you rotten fruit.
Well, as I was say, I think I've proved my point.
Agreed.
Mother.
Zeus and the other gods will hear about this betrayal of a sacred trust.
We'll talk later about the fruit.
I've been on the outs with the family before.
They need me.
You don't really think I'm your father, do you? It doesn't matter.
The Furies think you are.
That's all that counts.
That-- was brilliant.
If I was your father, I'd be very-- very proud of you.
I still don't get what you see in her.
Xena, you knew what your mom would say about the night of your conception.
And you knew exactly what I would say.
Well, I don't know if I like being that predictable.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Xena, your father.
Um,I'll collect some more firewood.
I took him away from you.
Mother.
It seemed-- like the only way.
I'm sure it was.
I never really knew him.
I, the hardest thing for me was giving up the hope.
Hope.
I kept hoping that maybe I'd run into him, somewhere.
Understand-- understand myself.
I know that will never be.
Can you ever forgive me? There is nothing to forgive.
You saved my life.
I owe you my thanks.
I'm sorry that you had to carry this alone all these years.
We'll go on.
We'll be stronger than before.
I know, Xena.
You're obsessed with her.
Call it what you will.
I think I've made an excellent case against her.
I want a judgment, now! Furies! Ares, god of War, has need of our judgment.
You've all heard his complaint against the Warrior Princess.
How do you judge? It's unanimous.
The Furies have found Xena guilty,of all charges.
The sentence? What will it be? Persecution or madness? How about, persecution and madness? It's,highly unusual to do both.
I'll be most appreciative.
It shall be done.
Hear me, gods and goddesses.
Xena,Warrior Princess, has committed a terrible crime.
She will be punished by persecution, and madness.
Cool.
Ah, you're afraid.
Yeah, I'm terrified.
I just don't gamble.
You don't gamble? Xena, who are we kidding here? Every day of your life is a roll of the die.
Well, what would we bet? If I win,you have to cook breakfast for me tomorrow morning.
You call that winning? Good point.
If I win, you have to collect all the firewood for one week.
And if I win, you have to make those little dumplings with the red stuff inside.
Oh, please.
OK.
Yeah.
All right, to that cypress.
Wait.
How big a lead did you say? Three strides.
One, two, three.
OK.
On your mark, get set ! Go.
I win! That is cheating.
OK,cheating's an overstatement.
Hey,boys,out for a morning hunt? Yeah, and you're the quarry, Xena.
And why is that? Well, there's a bounty on your head,and we,plan to collect it.
You know, fellas, there are less painful ways of making a dinar,but, um, if you insist.
Oh, demons of the soul, over Xena's reason roll.
Replace? sweet illusion with the poison of delusion.
To Xena's head do not be kind, for it's your job to make her lose her mind.
Xena.
Wait!I didn't mean to do that.
Here.
All right.
OK.
I love the smell of warrior sweat in the morning.
Go! This thing is great! And to think I've only been using it all these years as a weapon! Xena, you're acting really strange.
Don't be ridiculous, Mavis.
Alley-oop, Argo! Hey,I like this.
I can see where I've been! Xena,now,that,that warrior said that there's a bounty on your head.
Don't you wanna know what that's about? But I don't think he's gonna tell me anything.
Why don't you put the pinch on him? Hah! I've cut off the flow of blood to your brain and other pertinent body parts.
So, tell me-,how old were you when you lost your virginity? Xena.
Shut up, Mavis, this is important.
Fourteen.
Come on.
OK, OK, nineteen, nineteen.
See,Mavis,all you have to do is act nicely.
Quick!Tell us who put the bounty on Xena's head.
The priest.
What priest? The temple of the Furies.
The Furies? All right, all right.
Here's one for you.
What is the capital of Assyria? Xena, take the pinch off him, now! Well, all right,but I think there's still more he could tell us.
Where are you going? To get something to eat.
I'm starved.
What about the Furies? They can get their own.
Xena, I think something terrible has happened to you.
You're not thinking clearly.
Well, you know how I am when I miss breakfast.
No.
Look.
I think the Furies are punishing you for something.
Legend has it they punish with persecution, which explains the bounty, and the madness.
Madness? Yes.
I've never felt better! Let's go to the temple of the Furies and find out what's going on.
No.
Please, Xena,Will you do it for me? Please? OK.
Go, horsey! There are many crimes which the Furies punish with madness.
Why are you telling me this? I'm not crazy.
What do you think? I think we have a serious problem, here, Xena.
I could lose the daisies.
It's not your look that I'm talking about.
It's what's going on inside your head.
You don't wanna go there it's terrifying.
Doesn't that concern you? What do you think? It's too leafy? I think I'm gonna get some sleep.
Xena.
Look at you the guilt the shame.
It's stamped on your faces, clear as mud.
And I won't let you get away with it.
I'm here to avenge your heinous crimes.
I've come to take retribution! Xena? I've come to take retribution in flames! What are you doing? Delivering the wrath of justice.
These people are evil incarnate.
They must burn.
Xena,what have they done? What have they done? Look, can't you see the women and children?! They've crucified the women and children! Xena, Xena, the only people here are women and children.
Xena, they're afraid of you.
Give me the torch.
I'm in trouble, aren't I, Gabrielle? No, we'll get through this.
Xena, we have to get to the temple of the Furies.
The Furies, right.
I'm sorry.
Xena, pull yourself together.
Pull my finger.
Who's there? Ah, the Warrior Princess.
You've heard about the bounty, I take it.
The price on my head? Oh, yes.
Well, if it's my head you want, then take it, cause frankly, it's driving me crazy! What's going on with my friend? The Furies have punished her with both persecution and madness.
They must be appalled by her crime.
What is it? A breach of duty that the Furies are bound to punish.
So, what does she have to do? Avenge the murder of a member of her family.
Anyone who says that I didn't avenge the murder of my brother is a liar.
Xena! His killer died at my hands.
Not your brother.
Who, then? Your father.
My, father? Yes, he was murdered.
By who? That I don't know.
a's punishment will continue until this crime is avenged.
Xena,do you wanna sit down? Xena! Wait! Come back! Bacchus.
Bacchus.
No! It's me!It's, it's me.
It's Gabrielle.
To the gods.
Now, put that down.
Xena! Look.
To the gods.
Listen to me.
We're worthless insects.
Xena, I'm gonna help you.
They're gonna kill us.
I'll help you if you let me.
I can help, Xena, listen! Xena, we have to find out who murdered your father! Xena, if we can bring him to justice, we can satisfy the Furies, Xena.
This is what happened to Orestes! Xena, he didn't avengehis father either! You know, to the god we are nothing but dirty little beetles and they'll kill us for their sport.
Well, I'm sorry,Gabrielle; you can't come with me but I can't be trusted, you know? You behave yourself.
I'm rather ashamed of you.
You behave, or you don't get to come with us.
She's coming right at us.
Come on, guys.
She's a babbling idiot.
She doesn't even know we're here.
Xena.
Oh, she looks so strange.
What's wrong with her? Xena, What happened? Cyrene She's been driven mad, by the Furies.
She was able to tell you that? No,she's incoherent.
But ever since I heard what the Furies did to Orestes, I've been hoping against hope this day'dnever arrive.
So, you know what happened to her father.
He was murdered.
Cyrene, do you know who did it? Cyrene? Yes.
We have to know.
Maybe, then, we can bring the murderer tojustice and satisfy the Furies.
Gabrielle,do you think that Xena, even in this state,could kill her mother? What? I killed Xena's father.
Xena was seven.
Her father, came home from the temple of Ares,drunk,and angry.
He told me Xena had to die.
He was,very confused, Xena.
The priest at the temple must have told him to sacrifice you to Ares.
Your father was, very dedicated to the god of war.
I told him that I wouldn't let him do that.
He said he'd-- kill me too, then.
He went to the stables to sharpen a knife.
He was so,methodical, the way he planned to kill his own daughter.
I took an axe and, I stopped him.
This is the same mess that Orestes was in.
Yes, the, circumstances are the same.
His mother killed his father, and so,his, obligation, according to the code of the Furies, was to kill his mother.
Did it work? I don't know.
I heard he still lives in a village not far from here Andreas.
Maybe I can find him.
Maybe I can find a way to get us out of this.
Perhaps.
Then I'm off to Andreas.
Xena? Look, I know you're in there.
Hey, we're gonna get through this.
You know, we always do.
So Mama killed Papa.
Doesn't matter.
You were trying to save my life, right? I should be grateful.
But you have to admit, you did put me in something of a jam, didn't you? I have an interesting choice, now.
I can kill you or I can spend the rest of my life shuttling between babbling idiocy and vivid clarity.
Did you know that sanity is just a veil that the gods throw over our eyes to stop us from seeing the truth? What is the truth, Xena? That life is a joke! It's a barroom joke at that! And you know what the punchline is? The punchline is that no matter what we do, we still end up as food for the worms.
Mother, there really is only one way out of this.
Go ahead-- do it.
Oh, no, no.
You don't get out of it that easy.
I leave you to entertain the gods.
I am retiring from the stage.
Xena.
Mother, I am a lunatic with lethal combat skills.
If I stay around here much longer, some innocent people are gonna get killed.
I'm doing them a favor.
Xena,what are you doing? Why am I not surprised to find that you have an interest in all this? Of course, I do.
You're my favorite.
I don't wanna see you throw yourself off some cliff.
If for no other reason, it's such a tastelessly melodramatic way out of this life.
Ah, but I'm quite batty, Ares and I have limited choices.
Madness is a rotten way to go through life.
Now, Xena? Don't do that.
There is another solution.
Killing Mommy? No, I don't think so.
Well, I heard what you said to your mother.
And you were right of course what you said about life.
I was ranting.
Like a prophet.
Xena, you were never so close to the truth.
If you're trying to convince me that life's worth living, this is not a good strategy.
No-- life isn't worth living.
It's to be taken, and beaten, and wrestled, and formed in your image.
That's where the meaning lies in what you can twist life into.
For those who just endure life, yeah-- it is a very nasty joke.
But for those who form it with their will, the joke is on those who get in the way.
I must be crazy.
You're beginning to make sense.
This melodrama with your family put it all behind you.
You don't know how common it is for a jealous man to try and punish his wife by hurting the child.
Do you understand what I'm saying to you? Yes, I think I do.
Satisfy the Furies.
Give your mother to the worms.
You are on the brink of ultimate freedom, Xena.
Do it.
You'll be reborn into a world of true choice beyond good and evil.
And not only will Y ou regain your sanity but you'll see the world as few have seen it as a playground to your will.
Now, do it.
But how will the Furies know if I do it? They'll know.
But how? They'll know.
You expect me to trust you? I'm crazy; I'm not stupid.
If I'm gonna whack Mamma, I wanna get something out of it.
I want to know that the Furies are watching! They'll see it.
It's a god thing.
I won't do it unless it's in front of the Furies! All right,it can be arranged.
Good, I'll get Mom.
Xena, you're all right.
I'm anything but all right, Mother.
Yes, of course.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Maybe Gabrielle'll find a Stop it! Gabrielle couldn't save a cat in a sack without me.
She's a useless little pissant, really now that I see things clearly.
That's not true.
And I don't think you're seeing things clearly at all.
No matter.
I'm crazy and you're dead.
Let's go.
What are you saying?! Don't push it with me, Mother.
Xena if that's what you feel you have to do Oh-- the self-sacrificing mother.
That's such a tired cliche'.
Tell me, Mother.
When you and Daddy were rolling around like a pair of crazed weasels, was it good? Please, Xena.
Let's just get this over with.
I have a right to know about the act that brought me into this miserable world.
I will not talk about that! I'm losing patience with you.
Your father was away at war.
Suddenly, one night, he was there with me.
And, yes, it was good! Thank you, Mother.
As you say let's get this over with.
I don't understand.
This is an asylum.
Are you sure we're talking about the same man? That's right.
Here he is.
See for yourself.
Orestes? .
So he didn't do it Didn't do what? He didn't avenge his father's murder.
Oh, yeah, he did.
He killed his mother, Clytemnestra.
But I thought that-- that he'd be liberated from his madness if he killed his mother? Yeah.
Ahh-- it's all a lie.
If they persecuted him for not avenging his father's murder, what were they going to do to him for killing his mother? There was no way out for him.
Furies, hear me! I, Ares, god of war, demand your presence at this act of redemption! She's the murderess? And the avenging party? Don't! Xena, it won't do any good! Sometimes, that is the only way to shut her up.
Is there a problem, Xena? Why am I doing this? She killed your father.
You have to avenge his death or the Furies will torment you for eternity.
Yadda, yadda, yadda-- go.
All right.
She killed my father? Yes! Murdered him in cold blood.
Show her no mercy.
But how could she kill my father when my father is very much alive? Right, Daddy? If you've noticed, she is crazy.
Yeah, I'm completely out of my gourd and I might cut Mommy up later, just for fun but not because she killed my father.
Because you're my father.
Look at that hunk of burning love you had, Mom.
This is nonsense.
Don't you think Cyrene might have mentioned this before now? That's not a very good explanation, Daddy.
Gabrielle, tell him.
Do the bard thing.
The legends say tha Ares takes the form of his warriors and he visits their wives while they're away at battle.
Mom, tell him.
The night Xena was conceived, my husband came home unexpectedly from war.
This is ridiculous.
Do you ladies eavesdrop on us whackos when you're tormenting us? Frequently, yes.
Did you hear that little chit-chat that Daddy and I had on the cliff when he thought I was gonna throw myself over? Had you going there, didn't I? Well, did you? : Yes.
You ladies do dress the part, don't you? Did you wonder why Ares used the word 'jealous' when referring about my alleged father? That was odd.
Why jealous? I mean, he was jealous in the attention Cyrene showed Xena.
It's a common phenomenon.
Oh.
Now, here's my theory.
Ares and Mom do their thing; she gets ripe with me; and then, shortly after that, her husband comes home from war, and he thinks that his manhood did the trick.
Well, I pop out, and he thinks he's my father.
Well, things go on like this for years, and then one night, at the Temple of Ares, someone maybe a drunken priest maybe you,spills the beans.
A jealous rage ensues.
Mom does her thing with the axe, and-- hah! Here we are.
You're not buying any of this.
I am _not_ the father.
Why would he go to all this trouble just to drive you insane? Because a mad Xena would be more sympathetic to his quaint world view.
And you were right.
I meant it when I said that you were beginning to make sense to me.
But the best bit-- the best bit of all and this is a proud daughter talking is when I kill Mom thereby dooming myself forever to insanity and complete dependence on you.
I have ways to prove it.
What's that? We fight.
If I'm half god, I should be able to hold my own.
And if I'm not well, surely the god of war will win.
This is ridiculous.
What are you afraid of, Ares? Me 'cause he knows that I'm half god and all crazy.
Hey, come on, you two you're not gonna get it again,are you? I'm gonna use you as a shield, Gabrielle just kidding.
I win! Well,I think I've proved my point.
Girls, he's been giving you rotten fruit.
Well, as I was say, I think I've proved my point.
Agreed.
Mother.
Zeus and the other gods will hear about this betrayal of a sacred trust.
We'll talk later about the fruit.
I've been on the outs with the family before.
They need me.
You don't really think I'm your father, do you? It doesn't matter.
The Furies think you are.
That's all that counts.
That-- was brilliant.
If I was your father, I'd be very-- very proud of you.
I still don't get what you see in her.
Xena, you knew what your mom would say about the night of your conception.
And you knew exactly what I would say.
Well, I don't know if I like being that predictable.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Xena, your father.
Um,I'll collect some more firewood.
I took him away from you.
Mother.
It seemed-- like the only way.
I'm sure it was.
I never really knew him.
I, the hardest thing for me was giving up the hope.
Hope.
I kept hoping that maybe I'd run into him, somewhere.
Understand-- understand myself.
I know that will never be.
Can you ever forgive me? There is nothing to forgive.
You saved my life.
I owe you my thanks.
I'm sorry that you had to carry this alone all these years.
We'll go on.
We'll be stronger than before.