Yonderland (2013) s03e01 Episode Script

1 Yes? Cuddly Dick! I'm back! Far, far ago, the ancients wrote upon the scrolls that dark forces would sweep our realm, until only Yonderland remained.
But they telled also of a saviour, who sorted all that out, so everything's fine now.
And will probably stay that way forever, I should think.
Oh, for God's sake! Ah! No! Why would you do that? OK, cough once for good news.
Pete.
You got the job.
Yes! Yes! I don't believe it.
I genuinely thought Tony would get it.
- I guess he didn't want to move.
- Well, his loss is your What do you mean, "move"? Well, it's head office.
- Glasgow? - Yeah.
Well, we did talk about moving, you know, new beginning, big adventure.
- Yeah, at some point.
- Well, there's no time like the pr Actually, God, I've got to go.
We can celebrate this later, yeah? It's going to be amazing.
Glasgow, here we come! - I can't do the voice.
- Pete, we have to talk about this.
We will, we will.
Tonight.
I'll text that estate agent and get him to call you about a valuation.
You know what this is, don't you? Fate.
Oh, good, more fate - Good morning.
- Not really.
Pete's applied for this job, but it's at his head office Yeah, must be tricky.
Anyway, you're needed back in the real world.
For the last time, they're both real.
Yeah, but ours is better, especially since you killed your sister.
Will you stop saying that? And call her Imperatrix.
All right.
Put your knickers in the wash.
Oh, who's that? Jesus, they're keen.
Keen? Do they have an album? No, it's an estate agent.
Ah.
Well, he's very talented.
No, he doesn't actually play It doesn't matter, what do you want? Something's come up, or rather, someone.
Oh, and word to the wise, don't mention the glasses.
What glasses? Oh, yeah, bring those up.
Thanks a bunch - Oh, well done - Since when did you need glasses? - I don't.
- Oh, come off it.
You had no idea how many fingers I was showing you.
If I had fingers, you know which one I'd be showing you! OK.
Well, I think they suit you.
They really bring out your - grain.
- They're awful.
They're not even straight.
Well, your eyes aren't straight.
- What? - Nothing.
Anyway, we should get back to the chamber.
- The big guy's back.
- Who, Negatus? Who? Oh, him, no.
He's been quiet as a mouse.
- No trouble there.
- Oh, well, we'll see about that.
He's an evil overlord.
I very much doubt he's sitting around with his feet up.
Welcome back to the inter-realm wrestling Uh-oh, pizza for breakfast! The boss isn't going to like that.
Oh, no, that's right she's dead.
Get in! Papers! Gently.
Gently.
Release! "Libraries reopen.
"Peace across the land.
" Must do something about that.
At some point.
Morning, o shadiest of greys.
Any plans for today? Well, it's only half an hour till Come Dine On Me.
Today they're eating Alison.
And, maybe after that, you could think about exerting some control over Yonderland? Because it has been three weeks since Yeah, yeah.
I suppose it is about time I did some actual evil overlording.
It's arrived! Yes! Finally.
The Gamething 360 with virtual reality headset.
My ticket to a fantasy world of goblins and elves.
- Erm - What about the whole "being an evil overlord" thing? You know, exerting a little power? Yeah, yeah.
That.
Maybe tomorrow.
Oooh! Or, you know, the next day.
Oooh! Sorry, Cuddly? Dick.
Yes, Cuddly Dick.
"Cuddly" is a nickname, of course, as I am rather partial to a hug.
Yes.
Yes, I noticed that.
And so you used to work hair? - Here? - Sort of, yes.
I was the chamber's representative to Kiss-and-Cuddle Land until the dark times came.
When Imperatrix seized control, Dick got slammed in jail.
I might have lived out my days within those walls had you not brought down her cruel regime.
Well, really, my contribution wasn't bad wig.
- That big.
- No, no.
No modesty, please.
I owe you my life.
Oh, should I raise an invoice? Or? Well, look, if I helped in any way at all, then you're very welcome.
Oh! She's more adorable than you led me to believe.
I am so pleased I got this chance to speak to you before you went.
- Went? Jinx! - Went? Went where? Oh, I assumed that since you've fulfilled the fate of the scrolls, you'd want to pick up your old life again.
There we go.
We haven't discussed that at all, have we? Well, if you don't, I mean, that's wonderful news for Yonderland, wonderful for everyone.
- It's just wonderful.
- Well, you know, it may seem calm now, but in my experience it's never long before there's an urgent matter that requires my immediate attention.
An urgent matter that requires your immediate attention! What can we do for you, brother? I've received an OMG.
- OMG! - OMG? It's like an SOS, but more serious.
The tummy tellies pick up certain broadcast frequencies from their mahoosive aerials.
- No, those are my ears.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
You should be.
I'm already self-conscious.
I don't need I'll see if I can pick up the signal again.
OMG! OMG! Can anybody read me? - OMG! - Yes, my friend, we can read you.
Thank the gods.
We're at the fringes of the realm.
We need your help.
We need the chosen one.
Well, I'm here.
What's wrong? A flood.
A most terrible flood.
The water keeps rising.
You must come at once.
I can't stop the rain, that's just nature.
No, no, no, there has been no rain.
That is what I'm trying to tell you.
The water, it come out of nowhere.
We are under attack.
- Again? - I have to go to them.
- Agreed.
- How will you ever find them? - The signal.
- Yes, the signal.
- Can you track it? - Yes.
My species can sense where the signal is strongest.
Here, take Lucy, my youngest.
She should be able to lead you to the source.
I'll care for her like she was my own.
Well, don't worry too much, I've got hundreds.
What? Get back, you filthy orc! Ow! Medi Pack! I need a Medi Pack! Is he still playing? - Five hours now.
- Has he stopped at all? - Had a wee? - No, and yes.
- In that order.
- I'll get the mop.
It can't go on like this.
I haven't tortured anything in weeks.
And I think Geoff's gone feral.
Give me that.
Drop it.
Yeah, well, all we can do is hope it's just a passing phase, and try and make the best of the situation.
The birds! Ooh, a sexy princess.
Engage.
Still not talking? No, my lord.
Still no mouth.
Hmm.
Keep trying.
Strange.
An anonymous message on the overlord's network.
- A threat? - Coordinates.
A meeting point.
I'll ride at noon.
Prepare a bear.
Well, the signal's getting stronger, so we're on the right track.
Ah, look at this.
That's weird.
Pot, kettle, black.
Oh! Spoon, bin lid, orange.
- What? - I thought we were playing two things and a colour.
What was that? Oh, no.
Debbie, wait! Debbie, wait! I think it's a trap.
Ah, I see you.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoy the show.
We're caught in the trap again I wove from my abdomen Softer than silk, but strong as steel It's less terrifying than I expected.
Don't be fooled.
It's a tune-antula.
- A what? - A musical spider.
They feed off applause.
What you mean, they feed off? Oh, it doesn't matter.
Life 's too short.
Let's just Oh, my hands are stuck.
And you can see the problem.
We can't clap, and he won't stop until we do.
So we could be stuck here for ever? And that's not the bad news.
What's the bad news? - He only knows one song.
- Oh.
We're caught in the trap again I wove from my abdomen so strong, and the show must go on - OMG! OMG! Debbie, where are you? - And on and on, yeah, and on! Yay! That's brilliant! - Thank you very much.
- Clap, clap, clap.
Let's do it again.
Yeah.
Nice try.
- We're caught in the trap again - It has to be actual clapping.
I'm probably not the most helpful companion under these circumstances.
Debbie, where are you? This is ridiculous.
Even if we could clap, who goes wild for someone who knows only one song? Hang on.
One song, that's it! - What's what? - The estate agent.
The one who plays music in your phone.
No, he doesn't actually play music in my Yeah, whatever.
It plays sound, right, your phone? Yes, but not the sound of applause.
No if he had a decent set he wouldn't need a captive audience.
People would want to applaud.
He doesn't need a giant web, he just needs Some more songs.
Can you reach my pocket? - Got it.
- OK, now you need to unlock it.
It's 1, 1, 1, 1.
- You should change that.
- Not now.
OK, red button at the bottom, and then you just She's the one who can rock my world She's the one, and you know she makes me go oh, oh I can't wait to see you That's a whole lot of notes played a whole lot of ways, pretty mama.
Yeah, well, there's a whole lot of other songs out there.
You could have them, if you want? Expand the old repertoire.
And do you think that would give me the clap? What? Oh, yeah.
People would applaud, definitely.
Web or no web.
Well, how much for the whole darn lot? Well, if you let us go, they're all yours.
Not in the eyes of the record label, plus publishing rights.
- What are you doing? - Just You've got yourself a deal, pretty mama-cha.
- Brilliant! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I freed the woman.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
And this is for you.
There.
Wow, that's a hunka hunka burning tunes right there.
Thank you, very much, missy.
Much obliged to you, much obliged.
Debbie, where are you? The water, she is still rising.
Yeah, sorry.
We got tied up.
We're on our way.
Come on, Elf.
Oh, and good thinking with the phone.
What can I say? I learned from the best.
Well, come on.
Yeah.
How do you work this mama-jammy? Hello? Hello? - Uh-huh? - Hi, yeah, listen, it's Hugo from Hartson's here.
I've had a look in the diary, and, basically, I can view the house on Thursday, if that's cool with you.
And there's been far more rebel activity since Imperatrix died.
I may have to eliminate the Decimal Tribe.
I heard you'd rounded them up.
Strange.
- Ow! - Coordinates? Right, well, the signal is coming from around here.
Well, I don't see anything.
- No, me neither.
- Debbie, where are you? We're near, I think.
Things have got worse.
Darkness has fallen.
Something is blocking out the sun.
I can still see it.
How is that even? Give him to me a second.
OK, Nick, can you see anything, like a village or any sign of a flood? Nothing, and all the sap's rushing to my handle.
- I'll just have to get you higher.
- Argh! - Gosh, now there's earthquakes.
- What? - My glasses! - Which I definitely don't need.
Whoa, careful.
Swap back again? The sun.
He is back.
This is so weird.
No, he is gone again.
No, it's back.
It's gone.
It's back.
It's gone.
It's back.
It's gone.
It's back.
- OMG! OMG! - Now, that is one tiny problem.
- Please, come in.
OMG! - There you are.
Oh, you're a lot bigger than I was expecting.
Yeah, well, if I'm honest, you're a little bit smaller.
Can you help us? Yeah.
Just give me a second.
Ah.
Yeah.
I might leave this one out of the memoirs.
Oh, it's you.
Listen, Rita, what happens in the game stays in the game, yeah? Oh, yeah, whatever.
Bit wrinkly, Boss.
Maybe time to get out? What's the point? What's the point in anything? With Her Eminence gone, there's no orders, no rules, no direction.
- Mm.
- Ugh.
Ugh, right, that's it! You're getting out of that bath right now, Mister! I mean, Lord Mister.
He's right.
Her Eminence may be dead, but you're still an overlord, and it's time you started acting like one.
Why? It's not like anyone's going to see me.
Easy, boy.
Easy.
Debbie, how can we ever thank you? Well, I only turned off a tap, so that's probably plenty.
Yes, so tonight, we celebrate.
We do some dancing, some of us maybe do some kissing Stop it.
And tomorrow, we pack.
- Pack for what? - The move.
I think it is clear that it is not safe for us here any more.
We need to move to higher ground.
But this is your home.
Yes, and a very nice one it has been, too, apart from the Great Fire of Fag Butt.
But the Mighty Flood of Drip surely that is a sign that we need to move on.
Yeah.
Yeah, maybe it is.
And now, let the fireworks commence.
Idiots.
Oh, no.
Not again! No! Run! OK.
Well? Why are they here? I don't really know.
They said they'd followed some sort of sign.
Sign? What the hell does that mean? Oh! - Sausages.
- Fate.
With Her Eminence gone, they're looking for a new leader, and where has fate brought them? Precisely here.
They need a new boss, and they want me to stick my hat in their ring.
- Uh? - Demons, go fetch me my clothes and polish my helmet.
I'm about to blow their socks off.
Oh, and I'll need socks.
She was good as gold.
And so cute.
You sound like you want to keep her.
Do you want keep her? - Come on, then.
- Excellent work, as always, Debbie.
Love to Bob Peter, and we'll see you next time.
Now then, lockers do we really need them? I need them for my robes.
- Well, pop them under the stool.
- Sorry, erm Was there something else, Debbie? Yeah.
There's something I need to get off my chest.
- Is it a robe? - No, it's Well, it's something you said earlier.
- Me? - Yeah.
It's just, I'm not sure that you still need me.
No, we said you could go, didn't we? - Yeah.
- No, I mean, I'm not sure that you need a chosen one any more.
- Are you joking? - Don't need a chosen one! Let her speak, please.
Please.
Let her speak.
I always said I would be here as long as you need me, but with Imperatrix gone, maybe you don't.
What about today? The flood.
A few weeks ago, I was stopping a killer robot from destroying the world, and today I turned off a tap.
Ah, but you had to find it first, didn't you? You tracked it to its source.
That was your idea.
Well, what about the tune-antula? You stopped that.
No, I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
It was your phone.
- Yeah, and who thought of it? This is a very big decision, Debbie.
Maybe you should sleep with it.
- On it.
- On it.
OK.
OK, fine.
I will think about it.
But what if I don't change my mind? Well, I don't think you won't not change your mind.
Well, then, your wise and caring friends will respect your decision.
- Won't you? - Yeah.
Right.
Hi, yes, I'd like to arrange a valuation, please.
Oh.
Actually, is there anyone other than Hugo? - OK, how do I look? - Very dapper.
Sex on legs.
All right, tuck it in.
Now, then, I've got my speech, got my breath mints.
Lucky Heather.
Well, the head of Lucky Heather.
Can't remember why I killed her now.
Anyway, strap in, people, for you are about to witness the dawning of the age of Negateus.
That's it you're going to puppy classes.
Shhh! Gentlemen, it is my gr And ladies.
Sorry.
Always forget.
It is my great pleasure to welcome you to my humble abode.
Now, I know you come here looking for answers.
For direction, for leadership, which is why I am so pleased What's this? Yes.
Haven't got to the good bit yet.
Just wait, it gets really good.
Which is why I am so Brothers, we stand together at the dawn of a new age.
Join me, and I shall achieve what Imperatrix never could.
Soon, Yonderland will be ours!