All In The Family s03e02 Episode Script
Archie's Fraud
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made The Hit Parade Guys like us We had it made Those were the days And you knew where You were then Girls were girls And men were men Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need No welfare state Everybody pulled His weight Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great Those were the days You'd better finish up, Mike.
Dinner's almost ready.
Yeah? What are we having? It's a surprise.
Oh, Archie's gonna be so happy.
Edith, where are you?! Here I am, dear.
Welcome home.
Don't get too close to me now.
I don't want you stepping on my toes.
Where are your shoes? They're out there on the porch, Edith.
Old lady Callan was paying you a visit today, Yeah.
How did you know? Because her dumb dog left his calling card on the porch right outside! Oh I'm sorry.
Did you have a nice day? Well, let me put it this way, Edith-- what happened to me out there on the porch was maybe the best thing that happened to me all day.
Oh, I'd better get your shoes or somebody'll steal them.
Hold it, Edith.
Nobody ain't gonna steal them shoes.
You want to do something useful, go get me some beer, huh? Oh, I don't think you can clean them with beer.
They use beer for hair, though.
Get me a can of beer, will you, while I get my bowling shoes to put on.
Right away, Archie.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Mr.
Munson called today.
He's coming by here tonight.
He's got something important he wants you to sign.
Did he say what it was? No.
He said he wants to see you personal.
I'll get the beer.
[YAWNING LOUDLY.]
Where the hell am I, in a zoo? What's that noise for? Take it easy, will you? I'm tired.
I had a rough day.
Yeah? What'd you do, bend your library card? You could never do what I did today.
Oh, yeah.
What was you doing? Thinking.
Hi, everybody.
Oh, hi, honey.
Hello, honey.
[SMOOCHING NOISES.]
EDITH: Oh Hi, Gloria.
Here's your beer, Archie.
Oh, Edith, leave it there, huh? Look at them two over there.
Can't yous two come up for air? Daddy, I haven't seen him all day.
You want to see him, open your eyes and step back.
Be nice, Daddy.
I worked hard today.
So did I, little girl, but you don't see me coming home and slobbering all over your mother.
No, that's right, Gloria.
Your father was never much of a slobberer.
He's more of a pecker.
Will you go out there and get supper on the table? Hey, Ma, I got paid today.
Forty-one dollars and 30 cents.
Not bad for three days work, huh? Oh, ain't that nice, Archie? That's more money coming into the house.
Oh, no.
From my end, it's more money going out.
She ain't a dependent no more.
That means they're taking five bucks extra out of my salary every week.
I don't even have a take-home of 150 bucks no more.
Well, you can thank your buddy Nixon's wage freeze for that.
Listen, if anybody criticizes Nixon around here, it'll be me.
He's hurting me, not you.
Did I hear you say something against Nixon? No, not against all of him.
Just part of him.
What part? The dumb part.
The part that runs over to Russia and China and sits on my wages.
how the hell is a guy supposed to support a family on that? Archie, you wanna know why you're paying too much taxes? Because the big guys are paying too little.
See, we've got to stop up those tax loopholes.
Why don't you tell me something I don't know.
I've been saying that for years.
Begin with the church-- owns hundreds and hundreds of billions of dollars worth of property.
Don't pay no tax on it at all.
Them Catholics is getting away with murder.
Wait a second, wait a second.
It's not just Catholics, Arch.
It's all churches, including Protestants.
Hold it, hold it.
Leave the Protestants out of it, now.
No, no, I'm saying if this country taxed all commercial church property and canceled the oil depletion allowance, you wouldn't have to pay any taxes at all.
As a matter of fact, the government would be sending everybody a dividend.
You know, you ought to run for president yourself of Poland.
Come on.
Get the supper on the table, huh? When I come home here, I want a little more chow and a little less gab.
I'd have to run for chairman.
What? Poland doesn't have a president.
Who the hell cares? I got problems of my own.
Arch, I'm on your side.
I know how tough it's getting with higher prices and higher taxes.
That's why when a man like McGovern comes along with a program that's designed Hold it, hold it.
Don't give me no McGovern.
Why? What have you got against him? I got a lot against him! For one thing, his inheritance tax.
He wants to take away from a guy everything over 500,000 bucks.
And I don't want nobody telling me how much money I can leave Edith after I, uh Archie, first of all, he's changed his position on that, and second of all, do you honestly think you can make a half a million dollars in your lifetime? Why not? It's a free country! It could happen, huh? You pass a law like that, you kill my ambition.
Daddy, promise me something.
Would you promise me? What? Promise me you won't leave me over $500,000.
I couldn't handle it.
And neither could Michael.
I'd buy boats and trains What is it with her? Oh! Another little joke going on, huh? Let me tell you something, little girl.
Nobody loves a wisenheimer.
Now where is supper? Why ain't it on the table here? Come on.
It's coming right now, if you sit down.
Well, get it on here, huh? Well, hurry up.
Look at the time.
All right.
Oh, boy, I'm starving.
Okay, Ma.
Surprise! Surprise? Where's the surprise? Right there.
That ain't no surprise.
That's a chicken.
It's chicken surprise.
I fixed it with pineapple rings and brown sugar and sliced almonds.
It's Hawaiian style.
I don't care if you put a hula skirt on it.
It's nothing but a chicken.
Scrape all the goop off of it there.
Oh, Archie Oh, Edith.
And how come chicken again, huh? We had it four times already this week.
Look, it's having an effect on the Meathead over there.
He's looking like a chicken-head.
But chicken chicken is only 29 cents a pound, and we can't afford steak.
Jeez, Edith, I ain't requesting fill-it mig-non, you know.
Give me some hamburger once in a while.
Hamburger is 98 cents a pound.
Since when? Since Nixon.
Since Nixon.
Daddy, at least try it with the sauce.
Ma worked so hard to surprise you.
I got my big surprise today on the porch.
I don't need it from a chicken.
[DOORBELL BUZZING.]
That's the bell.
That's Munson.
All right, sit there.
I'll get it.
And Edith, get that stuff away from my place there and bring me a bowl of cornflakes.
Fast.
Oh, hiya, Munson.
Come on in.
Hi, Arch.
I'm not interrupting nothing, am I? Yeah, you're interrupting dinner but that's no loss.
I got the cab double-parked.
I can't stay long.
Yeah, well, come on, sit down.
I heard it was something important.
You called me up before.
Yeah, they're checking up on my last year's income tax return.
Oh what are you doing there, Munson, cutting a few corners? Not me.
Not one red cent.
My return's 100% legit.
Oh, well, no wonder they called you down.
You confused them.
That throws the whole computer out of whack.
No, no, no, everything's okay, Arch, except I don't have no receipt for the money I paid you.
Wh-- what do you mean, receipt? You know, for the 680 bucks I paid you for driving the cab on Sundays.
Remember I paid you in cash, like you wanted? Well, I ain't got no receipt for it.
Yeah, well, we don't need no receipts, uh, between you and me there, Munson.
We-- we trust each other.
But the government don't.
So look, Arch, if you'll just sign this piece of paper saying I paid you the dough, well, that'll satisfy the tax people.
Oh, no, hold it, Munson.
Hold it.
You got to be awful careful what you sign nowadays.
Come on, Arch, you know I paid you the dough.
I've got the records right here.
What's the big deal about signing a receipt? Whoa that's what Columbus said to the Indians just before he gipped them out of Manhattan.
Oh, so you think I'm gipping you, huh? Let me see your records.
What are you talking about? I can't lay my hands on my records like this here.
Ain't they in the upstairs closet, Archie? Under the galoshes.
No, they ain't.
If they're anywhere, they're in my locker down at the plant.
Oh, I was sure I saw them there the other Oh, I get it.
Now I know why you wanted me to pay you in cash.
So you didn't have to report that as income.
Get outta here! I brought you some coffee, Mr.
Munson.
Put that coffee back in the pot.
He ain't gonna have none because he ain't got no time because he's leaving.
I'm opening the door for you, Munson.
So you didn't report that as income, huh, Archie? That's fraud.
What are you talking about, fraud? You telling me you declared all your tips last year? Yeah.
All of it-- $470 worth.
Get outta here! You told me you made that much by Easter.
So by December, you must've made $1100, $1200.
So don't be throwing no stones, see? Because you're a worser crook than me.
[CAR HORN HONKING.]
There, there.
Your cab is blocking traffic out there, Munson.
I'm coming! I'm coming! Look, Arch, I'm gonna be coming back tomorrow, and you'd better sign that receipt, or you'll be in big trouble.
[CAR HORN HONKS.]
I'm coming! Big shot.
Gonna make big trouble for me, huh? Who does he think he's fooling? And what are you looking at? Don't pay no attention to that guy there.
Now look at these two.
Giving me the big double-"O" over here.
Why is everybody staring at me like I was some kind of boss of the mafia or something.
How could you cheat on your taxes? I didn't cheat.
I just done what everybody else does.
But if everybody cheats, why did Mr.
Munson say you could be in big trouble? Because everybody doesn't cheat, Ma, and if Archie committed a fraud, they could fine him or put him in jail.
Jail? Oh, my Lay off of the jail stuff, will you? I didn't commit nothing.
I just didn't mention something, that's all.
I was just, uh, what do you call it exercising my loophole, like any of the big guys.
Face it, Daddy.
What you did was illegal.
I don't want you going to jail, Archie.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
I ain't going to jail.
You never could get used to a strange bathroom.
Oh! Just stifle yourself, huh? Look, Archie, you'd better go down to that tax office.
If you wait for them to come after you, they could throw the book at you.
What do you know about it? You ain't gonna see the inside of a tax office as long as you live.
Don't be telling me when I got to go to the tax office.
Edith I'm going to the tax office.
So first thing tomorrow morning, you get yourself ready.
Now, you're going with me.
Why does Ma have to go with you? Because she and me signed a joint return, that's why with our names on it there, and she's in this thing up to her neck.
Archie I don't know anything Up to your neck, Edith.
Look at this here.
Will you look at the time? It's 10 minutes to 1:00.
There you are: a whole half a day's pay, shot.
It shows you what you get for trying to be a good citizen.
It'll be all right, Archie.
Don't be nervous.
I ain't nervous, Edith.
What are you picking your ear for? Just passing the time, Edith.
It's an old army trick.
RECEPTIONIST: Mr.
Baxter.
Huh? Baxter.
Yes, Ma'am.
You are nervous.
Don't worry.
All you have to do is go in and tell them you're sorry, and you won't do it again.
How many times have I got to tell you, Edith? I didn't do nothing.
Well, you didn't declare your income.
Edith, I'm telling you for the last time, that wasn't income.
That was money I earned by working on Sundays.
What a man does on the Sabbath is between him and his maker.
Oh, I don't think the government is as religious as you are.
Have a little mercy on me and stifle yourself, will you? Just sit there quiet and try and remember what you're going to say when you get into the tax examiner there.
Well, there's nothing to remember.
All I'm going to do is agree with everything you tell him.
That's right.
Good girl.
What are you gonna tell him? I'm gonna tell him the truth, Edith-- that I had all the figures wrote down on a piece of paper that I gave to you and you threw them away by mistake.
I-- I don't remember throwing a piece of paper away by mistake.
How could you remember it, Edith, if it was a mistake? Oh, yeah.
That makes sense.
It's hot in here.
Well, take your coat off, Edith.
Oh, yeah.
How come you're wearing a fancy dress today? Well, you want me to look nice, don't you? Not down here, Edith, jeez.
That tax examiner sees you all dolled up that way, he'll think I'm one of them Park Avenue dudes with money to burn.
Mr.
Johnson.
Oh, look, another guy going in there ahead of me.
I ain't never going to get into that office.
Maybe you'd better call the plant and tell them you might not be in at all today.
Yeah, all right, I'll do that.
I'll call the plant.
You just stay here, Edith, and mind my chair, huh? And, uh, Edith, uh Watch your bag.
Oh, Edith Excuse me.
Gee, buddy, why don't you watch where you're going? You nearly stepped on my foot here.
Well, I didn't see your foot.
Well, you see a person standing here, you know there's got to be a foot down there.
MAN: Hey, Phil.
What? Your McGovern button.
Huh? Turn it over, like my Nixon button.
No politics in the office.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Thanks.
You nearly stepped on my foot here.
Said I was sorry.
Will you stop worrying? I'm telling you, it's in the bag.
It's all sewed up.
I got the guy in my hip pocket.
Listen to me.
These examiners are only human, right? I mean, what can a guy like that pull down? A hundred and a half, All right, so the minute he starts digging into our return, I figure I'll schmear him.
All I said was, "Hey, you ever been to the Virgin Islands?" As if I didn't know.
Now it's his turn.
One hand washes the other, right? No, no, he told me to come back at 3:00, but don't worry.
I've got him eating out of my hand.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, all right, I'll see you later.
Didn't you make your call? Don't worry about that.
I've got something more important than that to tell you.
Did you see this guy who was on the phone? I heard him.
He sounded like a real insider to me.
From what I heard, I got some information that's going to let us right off the hook.
That's wonderful, Archie.
I'm telling you, I should have thought of it myself.
Now, listen, Edith, the examiner in there-- he's only human, right? Now, what can he make? A hundred and fifty a week, So when I go in there, what I got to do is I butter him up a little bit, you know? Give him the old schmear.
The old schmear! What's that? Shh! Shh! It's a kind of a present, see, Edith? I slip him something on the side there in return for a little favor that he's going to do me.
Oh, that don't sound too honest.
Oh, Edith, the whole world does it.
It's what do you call wash your hands, see.
Oh, Archie, I can't believe that nobody's honest.
RECEPTIONIST: Mr.
Bunker.
That's us.
Yeah, all right.
Edith, come on.
Come on.
Put your coat on, will you? First room on the right.
Where? First room on the right.
On the right, yeah.
Thank you.
Come on, Edith.
Hurry up, huh? I'm Turner.
I think we've met.
You're the tax examiner here? That's right, I am.
Won't you come in, Mr.
Bunker? Yeah, yeah.
Thanks very much, there, uh Get in here, Edith.
And this must be Mrs.
Bunker.
That's right.
Won't you sit down, please? Yeah, thanks.
Sit down, sit down, Edith.
Uh, see, I'm sorry for what happened out there in the hall.
Uh, you know, uh, bumping into me, which is to say, my bumping into you.
I-- I, uh, got my leg hurt, you know, and it's an old war wound.
Archie, you never told me about that.
That's because I didn't want to worry you, Edith.
Are you all right now? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
You know, you learn to live with them things.
Good, let's get to your problem.
Yeah, well, listen, before we start, Mr.
Turner just one thing I want to say to you.
Uh I ain't like them other crooks out there, you know.
I mean, I didn't have to be dragged in here.
See, I volunteer to come down here on my own hook.
You tell him, Edith, and keep it short.
That's right, Mr.
Turner.
Archie volunteered to come down as soon as he found out he might have to go to prison.
Don't say a thing like that, Edith.
Mr.
Turner might think you mean it, there.
Edith's only fooling.
She's always kidding around.
Ha-ha.
I see you want to amend your last year's tax return.
Why? Oh, well, see, I-- I forgot to declare $680 extra that I made.
Well, how did that happen? Well, in the first place, I had all the figures wrote down on a piece of paper, and then my wife, Edith, here, she threw it away, and then I got all balled up, and the return was getting late.
I thought I was going to be late.
You know, after all, Mr.
Turner, see, I'm only a little guy, and I ain't like one of your big corporations can run down to H&R Block whenever they got a problem.
Okay, Mr.
Bunker.
This extra income-- how did you come by it? Oh, he didn't come by it, Mr.
Turner.
He worked for it.
He made it driving a cab on Sundays.
I see.
Yeah, that's right, Mr.
Turner.
I want to tell you something.
Even holding down two jobs, it's awful hard for a guy like me to make ends meet nowadays.
Like, for instance, last week here, we had chicken four times.
Now, I know yous people love it, but it drives me up the wall.
I hate chicken.
You hate chicken.
No kidding.
Yeah, but if it'd make you feel any better I love watermelon.
Now, let's get back to this tax situation.
By the way, about that situation there, I hear that's all gonna be fixed up by Mr.
McGovern.
McGovern? Yeah, he says he's going to fix it all up for the little guy.
He's going to get at them millionaires with the great big tax loopholes.
So you're a McGovern man, huh? Oh, are you kidding? Archie but I thought you I'm a McGovern man.
McGovern.
Well, I'd like to discuss it with you, Mr.
Bunker, but we're not allowed to talk politics on the job.
Archie, I didn't know you was Edith, did you hear what Mr.
Turner said? He ain't allowed to discuss politics on the job, and he's right.
Well, Mr.
Bunker, the way I figure it, you owe the government exactly $140.
08.
Uh listen, let me ask you something.
You ever go out on Sundays? Sometimes.
How would you like a free cab ride? How would I like a what? You want to go out? I'll get the cab, pick you up, take you to any place in the city you want to go.
Get you back to Harlem before nightfall.
Mr.
Bunker, I live in Far Rockaway, and I drive my own car.
Oh, you drive your own car, huh? Yeah.
Well, hey, hey, hey, listen.
A guy drives his own car-- I'll bet you could use a couple of brand-new tires, huh? I know where I could lay my hands on some.
Uh, my wife's cousin, Howard, he left them to me when he died.
I don't remember any cousin Howard.
That's because he died.
See, that's Edith all over.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Well, how about it, Mr.
Turner? Can you use them tires? Mr.
Bunker, are you trying to bribe me? No, no, no.
Nothing like that.
I guess I'm getting overly suspicious, because just this morning a man tried to offer me a free trip to the Virgin Islands.
I know.
I mean, I know guys do that all the time-- offering things like that.
Do you hear that, Edith? What a lousy crook.
What's gonna happen to him? Oh, we're auditing his returns for the last seven years.
Seven years? Ooh.
By the way, Mr.
Bunker, how long have you been driving a cab? Uh, three years.
Why? Tell you what.
We're gonna overlook that cab ride, but for your kind offer of the tires Yeah? The Internal Revenue Service is going to audit your returns for the last three years.
For what? Wait here, Mr.
Bunker.
Edith, did you hear what he said? They're gonna audit me for three years.
They might as well stand me up against the wall! Oh, Edith.
Holy cow.
Oh, Archie, it ain't so bad.
At least you found an honest man.
[FOOTSTEPS COMING DOWN STAIRCASE.]
Come on, Daddy, cheer up.
It's only money.
Oh, listen to that.
I'll bet you'd tell a drowning guy it's only water.
[SHRILL, OFF-KEY VOICE.]
Look for the silver lining Will you can that? Why would you start singing me a song like that there? You've got to look on the bright side, Archie.
After all, you've still got your health, and you've still got me.
And me.
And don't you say nothing.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.
Dinner's almost ready.
Yeah? What are we having? It's a surprise.
Oh, Archie's gonna be so happy.
Edith, where are you?! Here I am, dear.
Welcome home.
Don't get too close to me now.
I don't want you stepping on my toes.
Where are your shoes? They're out there on the porch, Edith.
Old lady Callan was paying you a visit today, Yeah.
How did you know? Because her dumb dog left his calling card on the porch right outside! Oh I'm sorry.
Did you have a nice day? Well, let me put it this way, Edith-- what happened to me out there on the porch was maybe the best thing that happened to me all day.
Oh, I'd better get your shoes or somebody'll steal them.
Hold it, Edith.
Nobody ain't gonna steal them shoes.
You want to do something useful, go get me some beer, huh? Oh, I don't think you can clean them with beer.
They use beer for hair, though.
Get me a can of beer, will you, while I get my bowling shoes to put on.
Right away, Archie.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Mr.
Munson called today.
He's coming by here tonight.
He's got something important he wants you to sign.
Did he say what it was? No.
He said he wants to see you personal.
I'll get the beer.
[YAWNING LOUDLY.]
Where the hell am I, in a zoo? What's that noise for? Take it easy, will you? I'm tired.
I had a rough day.
Yeah? What'd you do, bend your library card? You could never do what I did today.
Oh, yeah.
What was you doing? Thinking.
Hi, everybody.
Oh, hi, honey.
Hello, honey.
[SMOOCHING NOISES.]
EDITH: Oh Hi, Gloria.
Here's your beer, Archie.
Oh, Edith, leave it there, huh? Look at them two over there.
Can't yous two come up for air? Daddy, I haven't seen him all day.
You want to see him, open your eyes and step back.
Be nice, Daddy.
I worked hard today.
So did I, little girl, but you don't see me coming home and slobbering all over your mother.
No, that's right, Gloria.
Your father was never much of a slobberer.
He's more of a pecker.
Will you go out there and get supper on the table? Hey, Ma, I got paid today.
Forty-one dollars and 30 cents.
Not bad for three days work, huh? Oh, ain't that nice, Archie? That's more money coming into the house.
Oh, no.
From my end, it's more money going out.
She ain't a dependent no more.
That means they're taking five bucks extra out of my salary every week.
I don't even have a take-home of 150 bucks no more.
Well, you can thank your buddy Nixon's wage freeze for that.
Listen, if anybody criticizes Nixon around here, it'll be me.
He's hurting me, not you.
Did I hear you say something against Nixon? No, not against all of him.
Just part of him.
What part? The dumb part.
The part that runs over to Russia and China and sits on my wages.
how the hell is a guy supposed to support a family on that? Archie, you wanna know why you're paying too much taxes? Because the big guys are paying too little.
See, we've got to stop up those tax loopholes.
Why don't you tell me something I don't know.
I've been saying that for years.
Begin with the church-- owns hundreds and hundreds of billions of dollars worth of property.
Don't pay no tax on it at all.
Them Catholics is getting away with murder.
Wait a second, wait a second.
It's not just Catholics, Arch.
It's all churches, including Protestants.
Hold it, hold it.
Leave the Protestants out of it, now.
No, no, I'm saying if this country taxed all commercial church property and canceled the oil depletion allowance, you wouldn't have to pay any taxes at all.
As a matter of fact, the government would be sending everybody a dividend.
You know, you ought to run for president yourself of Poland.
Come on.
Get the supper on the table, huh? When I come home here, I want a little more chow and a little less gab.
I'd have to run for chairman.
What? Poland doesn't have a president.
Who the hell cares? I got problems of my own.
Arch, I'm on your side.
I know how tough it's getting with higher prices and higher taxes.
That's why when a man like McGovern comes along with a program that's designed Hold it, hold it.
Don't give me no McGovern.
Why? What have you got against him? I got a lot against him! For one thing, his inheritance tax.
He wants to take away from a guy everything over 500,000 bucks.
And I don't want nobody telling me how much money I can leave Edith after I, uh Archie, first of all, he's changed his position on that, and second of all, do you honestly think you can make a half a million dollars in your lifetime? Why not? It's a free country! It could happen, huh? You pass a law like that, you kill my ambition.
Daddy, promise me something.
Would you promise me? What? Promise me you won't leave me over $500,000.
I couldn't handle it.
And neither could Michael.
I'd buy boats and trains What is it with her? Oh! Another little joke going on, huh? Let me tell you something, little girl.
Nobody loves a wisenheimer.
Now where is supper? Why ain't it on the table here? Come on.
It's coming right now, if you sit down.
Well, get it on here, huh? Well, hurry up.
Look at the time.
All right.
Oh, boy, I'm starving.
Okay, Ma.
Surprise! Surprise? Where's the surprise? Right there.
That ain't no surprise.
That's a chicken.
It's chicken surprise.
I fixed it with pineapple rings and brown sugar and sliced almonds.
It's Hawaiian style.
I don't care if you put a hula skirt on it.
It's nothing but a chicken.
Scrape all the goop off of it there.
Oh, Archie Oh, Edith.
And how come chicken again, huh? We had it four times already this week.
Look, it's having an effect on the Meathead over there.
He's looking like a chicken-head.
But chicken chicken is only 29 cents a pound, and we can't afford steak.
Jeez, Edith, I ain't requesting fill-it mig-non, you know.
Give me some hamburger once in a while.
Hamburger is 98 cents a pound.
Since when? Since Nixon.
Since Nixon.
Daddy, at least try it with the sauce.
Ma worked so hard to surprise you.
I got my big surprise today on the porch.
I don't need it from a chicken.
[DOORBELL BUZZING.]
That's the bell.
That's Munson.
All right, sit there.
I'll get it.
And Edith, get that stuff away from my place there and bring me a bowl of cornflakes.
Fast.
Oh, hiya, Munson.
Come on in.
Hi, Arch.
I'm not interrupting nothing, am I? Yeah, you're interrupting dinner but that's no loss.
I got the cab double-parked.
I can't stay long.
Yeah, well, come on, sit down.
I heard it was something important.
You called me up before.
Yeah, they're checking up on my last year's income tax return.
Oh what are you doing there, Munson, cutting a few corners? Not me.
Not one red cent.
My return's 100% legit.
Oh, well, no wonder they called you down.
You confused them.
That throws the whole computer out of whack.
No, no, no, everything's okay, Arch, except I don't have no receipt for the money I paid you.
Wh-- what do you mean, receipt? You know, for the 680 bucks I paid you for driving the cab on Sundays.
Remember I paid you in cash, like you wanted? Well, I ain't got no receipt for it.
Yeah, well, we don't need no receipts, uh, between you and me there, Munson.
We-- we trust each other.
But the government don't.
So look, Arch, if you'll just sign this piece of paper saying I paid you the dough, well, that'll satisfy the tax people.
Oh, no, hold it, Munson.
Hold it.
You got to be awful careful what you sign nowadays.
Come on, Arch, you know I paid you the dough.
I've got the records right here.
What's the big deal about signing a receipt? Whoa that's what Columbus said to the Indians just before he gipped them out of Manhattan.
Oh, so you think I'm gipping you, huh? Let me see your records.
What are you talking about? I can't lay my hands on my records like this here.
Ain't they in the upstairs closet, Archie? Under the galoshes.
No, they ain't.
If they're anywhere, they're in my locker down at the plant.
Oh, I was sure I saw them there the other Oh, I get it.
Now I know why you wanted me to pay you in cash.
So you didn't have to report that as income.
Get outta here! I brought you some coffee, Mr.
Munson.
Put that coffee back in the pot.
He ain't gonna have none because he ain't got no time because he's leaving.
I'm opening the door for you, Munson.
So you didn't report that as income, huh, Archie? That's fraud.
What are you talking about, fraud? You telling me you declared all your tips last year? Yeah.
All of it-- $470 worth.
Get outta here! You told me you made that much by Easter.
So by December, you must've made $1100, $1200.
So don't be throwing no stones, see? Because you're a worser crook than me.
[CAR HORN HONKING.]
There, there.
Your cab is blocking traffic out there, Munson.
I'm coming! I'm coming! Look, Arch, I'm gonna be coming back tomorrow, and you'd better sign that receipt, or you'll be in big trouble.
[CAR HORN HONKS.]
I'm coming! Big shot.
Gonna make big trouble for me, huh? Who does he think he's fooling? And what are you looking at? Don't pay no attention to that guy there.
Now look at these two.
Giving me the big double-"O" over here.
Why is everybody staring at me like I was some kind of boss of the mafia or something.
How could you cheat on your taxes? I didn't cheat.
I just done what everybody else does.
But if everybody cheats, why did Mr.
Munson say you could be in big trouble? Because everybody doesn't cheat, Ma, and if Archie committed a fraud, they could fine him or put him in jail.
Jail? Oh, my Lay off of the jail stuff, will you? I didn't commit nothing.
I just didn't mention something, that's all.
I was just, uh, what do you call it exercising my loophole, like any of the big guys.
Face it, Daddy.
What you did was illegal.
I don't want you going to jail, Archie.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
I ain't going to jail.
You never could get used to a strange bathroom.
Oh! Just stifle yourself, huh? Look, Archie, you'd better go down to that tax office.
If you wait for them to come after you, they could throw the book at you.
What do you know about it? You ain't gonna see the inside of a tax office as long as you live.
Don't be telling me when I got to go to the tax office.
Edith I'm going to the tax office.
So first thing tomorrow morning, you get yourself ready.
Now, you're going with me.
Why does Ma have to go with you? Because she and me signed a joint return, that's why with our names on it there, and she's in this thing up to her neck.
Archie I don't know anything Up to your neck, Edith.
Look at this here.
Will you look at the time? It's 10 minutes to 1:00.
There you are: a whole half a day's pay, shot.
It shows you what you get for trying to be a good citizen.
It'll be all right, Archie.
Don't be nervous.
I ain't nervous, Edith.
What are you picking your ear for? Just passing the time, Edith.
It's an old army trick.
RECEPTIONIST: Mr.
Baxter.
Huh? Baxter.
Yes, Ma'am.
You are nervous.
Don't worry.
All you have to do is go in and tell them you're sorry, and you won't do it again.
How many times have I got to tell you, Edith? I didn't do nothing.
Well, you didn't declare your income.
Edith, I'm telling you for the last time, that wasn't income.
That was money I earned by working on Sundays.
What a man does on the Sabbath is between him and his maker.
Oh, I don't think the government is as religious as you are.
Have a little mercy on me and stifle yourself, will you? Just sit there quiet and try and remember what you're going to say when you get into the tax examiner there.
Well, there's nothing to remember.
All I'm going to do is agree with everything you tell him.
That's right.
Good girl.
What are you gonna tell him? I'm gonna tell him the truth, Edith-- that I had all the figures wrote down on a piece of paper that I gave to you and you threw them away by mistake.
I-- I don't remember throwing a piece of paper away by mistake.
How could you remember it, Edith, if it was a mistake? Oh, yeah.
That makes sense.
It's hot in here.
Well, take your coat off, Edith.
Oh, yeah.
How come you're wearing a fancy dress today? Well, you want me to look nice, don't you? Not down here, Edith, jeez.
That tax examiner sees you all dolled up that way, he'll think I'm one of them Park Avenue dudes with money to burn.
Mr.
Johnson.
Oh, look, another guy going in there ahead of me.
I ain't never going to get into that office.
Maybe you'd better call the plant and tell them you might not be in at all today.
Yeah, all right, I'll do that.
I'll call the plant.
You just stay here, Edith, and mind my chair, huh? And, uh, Edith, uh Watch your bag.
Oh, Edith Excuse me.
Gee, buddy, why don't you watch where you're going? You nearly stepped on my foot here.
Well, I didn't see your foot.
Well, you see a person standing here, you know there's got to be a foot down there.
MAN: Hey, Phil.
What? Your McGovern button.
Huh? Turn it over, like my Nixon button.
No politics in the office.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Thanks.
You nearly stepped on my foot here.
Said I was sorry.
Will you stop worrying? I'm telling you, it's in the bag.
It's all sewed up.
I got the guy in my hip pocket.
Listen to me.
These examiners are only human, right? I mean, what can a guy like that pull down? A hundred and a half, All right, so the minute he starts digging into our return, I figure I'll schmear him.
All I said was, "Hey, you ever been to the Virgin Islands?" As if I didn't know.
Now it's his turn.
One hand washes the other, right? No, no, he told me to come back at 3:00, but don't worry.
I've got him eating out of my hand.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, all right, I'll see you later.
Didn't you make your call? Don't worry about that.
I've got something more important than that to tell you.
Did you see this guy who was on the phone? I heard him.
He sounded like a real insider to me.
From what I heard, I got some information that's going to let us right off the hook.
That's wonderful, Archie.
I'm telling you, I should have thought of it myself.
Now, listen, Edith, the examiner in there-- he's only human, right? Now, what can he make? A hundred and fifty a week, So when I go in there, what I got to do is I butter him up a little bit, you know? Give him the old schmear.
The old schmear! What's that? Shh! Shh! It's a kind of a present, see, Edith? I slip him something on the side there in return for a little favor that he's going to do me.
Oh, that don't sound too honest.
Oh, Edith, the whole world does it.
It's what do you call wash your hands, see.
Oh, Archie, I can't believe that nobody's honest.
RECEPTIONIST: Mr.
Bunker.
That's us.
Yeah, all right.
Edith, come on.
Come on.
Put your coat on, will you? First room on the right.
Where? First room on the right.
On the right, yeah.
Thank you.
Come on, Edith.
Hurry up, huh? I'm Turner.
I think we've met.
You're the tax examiner here? That's right, I am.
Won't you come in, Mr.
Bunker? Yeah, yeah.
Thanks very much, there, uh Get in here, Edith.
And this must be Mrs.
Bunker.
That's right.
Won't you sit down, please? Yeah, thanks.
Sit down, sit down, Edith.
Uh, see, I'm sorry for what happened out there in the hall.
Uh, you know, uh, bumping into me, which is to say, my bumping into you.
I-- I, uh, got my leg hurt, you know, and it's an old war wound.
Archie, you never told me about that.
That's because I didn't want to worry you, Edith.
Are you all right now? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
You know, you learn to live with them things.
Good, let's get to your problem.
Yeah, well, listen, before we start, Mr.
Turner just one thing I want to say to you.
Uh I ain't like them other crooks out there, you know.
I mean, I didn't have to be dragged in here.
See, I volunteer to come down here on my own hook.
You tell him, Edith, and keep it short.
That's right, Mr.
Turner.
Archie volunteered to come down as soon as he found out he might have to go to prison.
Don't say a thing like that, Edith.
Mr.
Turner might think you mean it, there.
Edith's only fooling.
She's always kidding around.
Ha-ha.
I see you want to amend your last year's tax return.
Why? Oh, well, see, I-- I forgot to declare $680 extra that I made.
Well, how did that happen? Well, in the first place, I had all the figures wrote down on a piece of paper, and then my wife, Edith, here, she threw it away, and then I got all balled up, and the return was getting late.
I thought I was going to be late.
You know, after all, Mr.
Turner, see, I'm only a little guy, and I ain't like one of your big corporations can run down to H&R Block whenever they got a problem.
Okay, Mr.
Bunker.
This extra income-- how did you come by it? Oh, he didn't come by it, Mr.
Turner.
He worked for it.
He made it driving a cab on Sundays.
I see.
Yeah, that's right, Mr.
Turner.
I want to tell you something.
Even holding down two jobs, it's awful hard for a guy like me to make ends meet nowadays.
Like, for instance, last week here, we had chicken four times.
Now, I know yous people love it, but it drives me up the wall.
I hate chicken.
You hate chicken.
No kidding.
Yeah, but if it'd make you feel any better I love watermelon.
Now, let's get back to this tax situation.
By the way, about that situation there, I hear that's all gonna be fixed up by Mr.
McGovern.
McGovern? Yeah, he says he's going to fix it all up for the little guy.
He's going to get at them millionaires with the great big tax loopholes.
So you're a McGovern man, huh? Oh, are you kidding? Archie but I thought you I'm a McGovern man.
McGovern.
Well, I'd like to discuss it with you, Mr.
Bunker, but we're not allowed to talk politics on the job.
Archie, I didn't know you was Edith, did you hear what Mr.
Turner said? He ain't allowed to discuss politics on the job, and he's right.
Well, Mr.
Bunker, the way I figure it, you owe the government exactly $140.
08.
Uh listen, let me ask you something.
You ever go out on Sundays? Sometimes.
How would you like a free cab ride? How would I like a what? You want to go out? I'll get the cab, pick you up, take you to any place in the city you want to go.
Get you back to Harlem before nightfall.
Mr.
Bunker, I live in Far Rockaway, and I drive my own car.
Oh, you drive your own car, huh? Yeah.
Well, hey, hey, hey, listen.
A guy drives his own car-- I'll bet you could use a couple of brand-new tires, huh? I know where I could lay my hands on some.
Uh, my wife's cousin, Howard, he left them to me when he died.
I don't remember any cousin Howard.
That's because he died.
See, that's Edith all over.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Well, how about it, Mr.
Turner? Can you use them tires? Mr.
Bunker, are you trying to bribe me? No, no, no.
Nothing like that.
I guess I'm getting overly suspicious, because just this morning a man tried to offer me a free trip to the Virgin Islands.
I know.
I mean, I know guys do that all the time-- offering things like that.
Do you hear that, Edith? What a lousy crook.
What's gonna happen to him? Oh, we're auditing his returns for the last seven years.
Seven years? Ooh.
By the way, Mr.
Bunker, how long have you been driving a cab? Uh, three years.
Why? Tell you what.
We're gonna overlook that cab ride, but for your kind offer of the tires Yeah? The Internal Revenue Service is going to audit your returns for the last three years.
For what? Wait here, Mr.
Bunker.
Edith, did you hear what he said? They're gonna audit me for three years.
They might as well stand me up against the wall! Oh, Edith.
Holy cow.
Oh, Archie, it ain't so bad.
At least you found an honest man.
[FOOTSTEPS COMING DOWN STAIRCASE.]
Come on, Daddy, cheer up.
It's only money.
Oh, listen to that.
I'll bet you'd tell a drowning guy it's only water.
[SHRILL, OFF-KEY VOICE.]
Look for the silver lining Will you can that? Why would you start singing me a song like that there? You've got to look on the bright side, Archie.
After all, you've still got your health, and you've still got me.
And me.
And don't you say nothing.
[.]
ANNOUNCER: All In The Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.