American Housewife (2016) s03e02 Episode Script

1 - Hi! - Hey! How's my favorite party planner? Party planner? I'm an event coordinator, Greg.
The people in my industry have worked tirelessly to shed that label that diminishes us.
You called yourself a party planner at work and someone yelled at you? Oh, yeah.
Big-time.
What's all this? Well, now that we're both working, no one's here during the day to take Luthor out.
I tried teaching him to use the toilet.
That didn't go great.
Okay.
Just relax.
[Water running.]
Think about pee-pee.
[Groans.]
Now he can take himself outside and you can focus on work.
Speaking of work, I have to go to my boss' apartment in New York tomorrow.
- She summoned me.
- Summoned? Whitney needs to talk to you in her office right away! Oh, my God! I'm finally going to meet her! - Let's go.
- Yeah.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
- [Breathes sharply.]
- Have a seat.
She'll be in in just a moment.
Okay.
[Beeps.]
WHITNEY: Hi, Katie.
Hi, Whitney.
I want you to come to my place in New York for a fun little mandatory meet-and-greet tomorrow night.
I'll tell you where to go.
Kevin! I want you to leave the room while I give Katie the address because you'll never be invited! [Laughing.]
Evidently, all new hires are required to go there and kiss the ring.
Or else.
- Or else what? - I don't know.
But it's never "or else ice cream cake," Greg.
Up until now, I've been there on a trial basis.
But when you go to New York and kiss the ring, you're all in.
It's like I'm being made by the Mafia.
Don't worry about the kids.
I got them.
You go.
Thank you.
You're a lifesaver.
You've earned yourself two mistakes without me throwing it back in your face and doing this.
[Imitates buzzer.]
[Chuckles.]
Okay, Luthor.
Big moment, buddy.
[Claps hands.]
Go on out! [Whines.]
He's saving it for later.
Doesn't want to live his life all at once.
You got to respect that.
- Hey, Mrs.
and Mrs.
A.
- Hey, Trip.
Taylor, I think you're shrinking.
Dad, this is Trip's jacket.
Yeah, I know.
I was making a joke, but it Nobody got it, so I guess I was just making a confusing sentence.
How was play rehearsal? Oh, I didn't go today.
It conflicted with Trip's schedule.
Us football girlfriends love to watch our guys practice.
Babe, she's charging.
Make yourself look big.
Taylor, you can't Li Agh! Why am I always stepping in the dog water?! - Run! - [Sighs.]
Taylor cannot live her life for her boyfriend.
That is the road to becoming one of these spoiled housewives in this town where all these women do is rely on their rich husbands.
Better than the road she's currently on, which is straight to Fleer Beauty College and a steady diet of Hot Pockets.
How was school today, baby? Mm.
School be school.
Buenas tardes, Mrs.
and Mrs.
Otto! Hey, Cooper.
How's it going? Ooh.
Mrs.
Otto, you smell good! What's the scent you're wearing? - 409.
- You should try mine.
Clive Christian Imperial Cologne.
Picked it up in Zermatt.
It's for men, but I think you can pull it off.
You know what I want to pull off? - Your arms.
- You know, over the summer, - I really missed our little repartees.
- Mm.
But I bet you really missed Oliver.
Yeah, yeah, they super missed me.
Come on, Coop, let's go to my room.
Super missed him because he was Away all summer yachting around the world with his great-aunt.
- Right, with his great-aunt.
- Mm.
The Duchess of Cadbury.
Uh, which one of you is related to her? I am.
I love those creamed eggs.
[Laughs.]
That makes sense.
Cooper, go take a walk around the block.
Good idea, Mrs.
Otto! That'll give my new Patek Philippe watch a chance to wind naturally.
- [Door opens.]
- Here is Oliver - sailing with the Duchess.
- [Door closes.]
Where is this? Italy? Santorini.
So is that Italy? - Greece.
- Ohh.
You Photoshopped all these? I had to! This is Westport.
At school, everyone gives a report on where they went for vacation.
Where am I supposed to say I went no place? We went to Amish Country and made candles.
That's worse than no vacation! It was a 19th-century adventure.
You are getting more superficial by the Anna-Kat is doing something weird.
She's using a small bottle of Purell to Purell a larger bottle of Purell.
Anything happen at school today that we should know about? Well, Dr.
Ellie is still not back.
Principal Ablin said she has a medical issue, and he's been filling in.
Oh, and I am never using the bathroom at school again.
Ever.
We've been through this.
The bathrooms at school are totally clean.
Are they? Are they, Greg? Apparently, you didn't know hand dryers just blow particles of poop back into your face! What? That doesn't sound right.
That's what Principal Ablin said.
And he's the principal, the king of all teachers.
If I go kiss the ring, then I am committing to this job.
But how can I do that? How am I supposed to work a full-time job when I already have a full-time job making sure that our kids aren't jerks and weirdos? Don't you worry.
This is just a rough patch.
I promise you, we'll fix it, and you'll feel good about kissing that ring.
Let me get this straight we are going to find a way to fix our kids by tomorrow night? Hey, I installed a doggie door, and I still have all my fingers.
Anything's possible.
So, I promise you, by tomorrow afternoon, these children will, in fact, be fixed.
[Whines.]
And that dog.
All right, then.
To the hat! We have three kids and a dog, which equals four problems.
We each pick two, divide and conquer.
Taylor.
Luthor.
Foul.
Dropped it.
Goes back in.
- You got Oliver.
- Yes, I know.
Shame.
But rules are rules.
Hup! Do-over.
Fine, I'll just take Oliver.
Okay.
If I always get Oliver, I don't even know why we do the hat.
You've got Taylor and Anna-Kat.
- I've got Oliver and Luthor.
- Yeah.
All right, you ready? I wasn't ready when we had them, and I'm not ready now.
You take off that jacket and give it back to Trip.
But all the girlfriends wear their boyfriends' jackets.
Not you.
You are your own person.
Take it off.
God, Mom, what's your major problem? Your whole life cannot be about some boy.
What happens when he goes to college? Whoa, what boy? - Are you seeing someone else? - No, she's talking about you.
No, she said that guy was going to college.
I'm just saying, you can't put all your eggs in Trip's basket.
Mrs.
A, I understand your concerns, but my cousin broke my Easter basket when I was 6, so we're good.
Trip, you have to go to the bathroom really bad.
I do? I do! [Bed creaks.]
You need a life outside of Trip.
So, from now on, you are gonna put your interests first.
Maybe you should focus on someone other than me and get your own life! I am trying to! I finally get a job and take my eye off of you for one second, and you are making all the wrong decisions.
I will ban Trip if I need to.
All right, all right.
You can't just ban my boyfriend like that.
He's not turkey hot dogs.
Hot dogs are all beef or nothing.
And you'd better get your act together.
Fine! Hey, Mrs.
A.
, next time, can you give me more of a heads-up when I have to go? I almost didn't make it.
You obviously have forgotten how fortunate you are.
You admire Oprah.
Well, she writes down three things she's grateful for every night.
I took the liberty of writing three things down for you.
In lieu of hearing that list, I prefer to be tied to a stake and left for the crows.
Number one, you have a family that loves you.
Two, you live in a beautiful beach town.
And, three, you have plenty of friends.
When all you do is look for what you don't have, you don't see what you do have.
Oh, I see it.
A sink that backs up three times a week and a front yard without a single mature tree.
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna go into school and tell people about the vacation you actually had.
No one's gonna think any less of you because you went to Amish Country.
Did Cooper Bradford go back in time and shake hands with history? Let's just let that sit there.
So, the heat from the hand dryers purifies the particles in the air and cleans them.
KATIE: I make this face so she thinks I'm telling the truth.
Okay, Mama, I hear you, and I have a solution that will make everyone happy.
Yeah? I'll just pee in a mayonnaise jar.
Greg? This is how you do it, buddy.
You just you push your nose through.
Yeah.
Hey, good job, Luthor.
You trained Greg to use the doggie door.
Can you also train him to stop talking through "Bachelor in Paradise"? Yes, Greg, they all have nice bathing suits.
- How'd it go with Taylor? - I think I got through to her.
- Oliver? - We made some progress.
- Anna-Kat? - She's gonna pee in a mayonnaise jar.
All right, we're getting closer to you feeling good about going to New York so you can kiss the ring and keep your job.
Tomorrow morning, you'll talk with Ablin and figure out where Dr.
Ellie is, and Ahh! - What? - The sprinklers just went off.
I've never used a bidet, but I finally get the appeal.
We need to talk.
Was my assistant not out there to stop you? Donna's no hero.
Why wasn't I informed Dr.
Ellie was going to be away? I sent you maybe 10 e-mails.
I blocked you after the millionth e-mail about Waffle Wednesday.
It's Wednesday.
There's waffles.
I get it.
- Who has time for this nonsense? - Don't you? I will have you know that I recently started working.
You don't think that I can be a mom and have a life of my own? Can we wait a moment for my Ativan to kick in? Won't be long.
[Sighs.]
There we are.
Dr.
Ellie is on medical leave, but she'll be back next week.
In the meantime, I will continue to fill in as teacher for the wacky kids.
Because of you telling her about the hand dryers, my daughter is scared to use the school bathroom.
Well, would you look at me.
Making a difference.
You need to fix it or else! And before you get your hopes up, it's not "or else ice cream cake"! Sir, would you be interested in a magazine subscription? Donna! - Taylor? - Mom? You are decorating Trip's locker? Didn't you hear a word I said to you last night? I did.
That's why I'm doing things behind your back.
- [School bell rings.]
- [Groans.]
OLIVER: There's nothing wrong with living simply.
That's why we gave our below-deck crew Sunday mornings off to just have fun.
You know who I am? I'm The Giving Tree.
I never understood that book until now.
After they've eaten all my apples and cut off my branches, I'll just be a stump.
And then they're just gonna sit on me.
Do you ever come here in a good mood? I want to keep my job, but how can I when it's just one problem after another with these kids? Well, just hire nannies to take over for you.
Sure, the kids will hate you for it, but on the flip side, when they have to go to therapy in a few years, they'll complain about how the nanny messed them up.
Have you tried sage-ing their bedrooms? You mean that ridiculous thing you do where you burn dead leaves and it smells like garbage? A simple "no" would've been fine.
Last month, I was filling out one of those doctor's forms, and in that space where they ask your profession, I wrote "mom.
" And then I was like, really? That's all that I am? Mom? But now I'm on the verge of having a career again.
I am appreciated for my ideas.
I earn money.
There's four different kinds of creamer in the break room.
Had hazelnut coffee the other day.
Didn't care for it.
You need to get your butt to New York this evening.
For nine years, you've shown your kids a strong woman at home, and now you're showing them a strong woman at work.
Hey, how about for now, you just be a strong woman at breakfast? Open this ketchup for me! [Pops.]
Those big hands really pay off.
[Laughter.]
Okay, buddy, here's the deal.
You need to go outside.
Who is a good boy? You're a good boy.
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
You're my good boy.
And you need to go out that door.
You do.
[Groaning.]
[As Scooby-Doo.]
Who ruvs you? I ruv you.
Res, I do.
[Grunting.]
This old outfit is terrible.
Ruh-roh.
It's like I'm wearing Spanx as outerwear.
- [Normal voice.]
I think you look great.
- Of course you have to say that because I'm your only source of action.
Gotta pee.
Gotta pee! - Gotta pee.
- Where are you going? Use the bathroom.
Still won't go to the bathroom at school, and I won't go here, either.
It's disgusting! Principal Ablin was supposed to talk to you.
He did.
Class, I might have misspoken yesterday concerning the school bathroom.
I said it was filthy.
The truth is, it's no filthier than any other room in school or at home.
They're all like a port-o-potty at Bonnaroo.
I got hella sunburned that weekend.
Backyard's occupied! [Sighs.]
Anna-Kat is peeing outside.
The dog is peeing inside.
Things are not fixed.
- Always makes me laugh.
- What, Cooper? Oh, it's just weird walking into your house.
[Chuckling.]
No one announces you.
Oliver, I heard that, after our talk, you went and gave a great presentation at school.
You You heard? I was at school for Anna-Kat.
I peeked in on your class and told your dad all about it.
You're never gonna guess! You had a good time at rehearsal and appreciate my parenting? Hardly.
No, Trip got a new car.
To celebrate the start of the first of my senior years.
Come again? It took my brother three senior years to graduate.
I'm hoping to do it in two.
You will, smartie.
So, Trip's Porsche is going to his sister, and his sister's old car is going to me.
- Sweet! - [Doorbell rings.]
I don't even know where to begin.
I know! It's a Mini Cooper.
Isn't that great? Mom's expression is not that of someone - who thinks something is great.
- [Door opens.]
- Hey.
- Hi! Hi.
Guys, what are you doing here? Oh, we got all of your emergency texts about not having anything to wear, so we brought you this.
Oh, looks like we weren't a moment too soon.
I love you guys, but I'm not gonna need it.
Do you want to know why? Jerk.
Jerk.
And the other one is peeing in the yard.
Let's not give up hope yet.
Last-ditch effort.
You with me? I'm with you.
Hey, guys.
I have a presentation of my own.
Come on.
COOPER: What's this? Pictures of Oliver's real summer vacation.
[Banjo playing.]
This is making me sad.
Turn it off.
Turn it off! I don't see the problem.
You can't just take a car from your boyfriend.
She didn't take it, Mrs.
A.
I gave it to her.
[Chuckles.]
Your mom thought you stole it.
Trip, you are very close to needing to go to the bathroom again.
And that, Cooper, is the candle that Oliver made.
Why are you doing this to me? Because your mother always makes me take you when we go to the hat.
Taylor, I want you to be a strong, independent woman, not one of these kept Westport housewives.
[Sniffs.]
It's lost that new-purse smell.
Anyone want this? Like Doris.
Well, Doris seems to be doing pretty well for herself.
She sleeps late, brunches.
She goes to the country club every day.
Hey! I also have unlimited spending on Richard's credit cards.
[Laughs.]
Doris may be doing well now, but look at the bigger picture.
She's deep in her 30s, has no profession, and signed a prenup.
And she's going to start getting wrinkles just around the same time Richard hires a hot, new, young assistant.
And we all know how the story ends.
How? How does the story end? With the hot assistant living in her house and Doris is perched on a stool at the Cheesecake Factory bar desperate to catch someone's eye.
- Oh, my.
- Doris, you look pale.
- Are you okay? - I think I'm in trouble.
- Okay, I'll drive you home.
- I need to be nice to Richard.
Do you remember how? Thanks, Mom.
- I get what you're trying to teach me.
- [Door opens, closes.]
- You do? - Never sign a prenup.
And you called me the smartie.
So, you lied about where you went this summer? Yeah.
Thanks a lot, Dad.
Dude! I'm your best friend.
You don't lie to me.
You lie to customs officials.
So, from now on, you're coming on vacation with ol' Cooper B.
Everything first class.
Thanks, man.
You're the best.
He's not the best.
He's the worst.
I am trying to have my own life, but I can't, because I am constantly having to stop you and your sister from being idiots! - Run.
- I give, and I give, and you just keep taking my apples! Whoa! What is she talking about? [Laughs.]
This is so fun.
And you two are part of the problem! Whoa! [Laughs.]
[Crunches.]
Thanks, Mrs.
A.
Sorry I took so long.
A squirrel saw me, and I got trigger-shy.
Thanks for trying, Greg.
But I give up.
I am not allowed to have a life.
Damn it, Luthor! [Whines.]
Of course.
He's motivated by fear! Of all people, I should've thought of that.
[Chuckles.]
With these kids, I can't keep this job.
I can't kiss the ring.
I can't make that kind of commitment.
I know other moms do it.
But they just have smarter kids with better friends.
[Groans.]
ANNA-KAT: Mom, come downstairs! There's something we need to show you! [Sighs.]
Why couldn't I just lay eggs like a sea turtle and be done with it? [Whines softly.]
[Sighs.]
What? Watch this.
You called me down here to watch Cooper eat cheese? Not just any cheese.
I'm eating a slice of Kraft Sing-lay.
Singles.
Kraft Singles.
I'm gonna close my eyes and count to 10.
Then I'm gonna start swinging at everybody.
I've never eaten supermarket cheese before.
All our cheese is imported from Boulette d'Avesnes.
Cooper realized that he's been part of the problem you've been having with Oliver.
So, I'm going to try and be a regular human boy.
No chauffeurs driving me and Oliver around, no more caviar facials, and no more rap battles with Lin-Manuel Miranda.
- Dude! - No.
- She needs this.
- Trip? And I think I understand your issue with me and Taylor, so from now on, she's gonna be her own person, and she'll have to get her own car.
And I'm gonna wear one of her jackets.
Wait a minute.
So, the two people that are making my kids jerks may just be the answer to making them less jerky? Go figure.
Anna-Kat, do you think - you can start peeing inside now? - No.
But Luthor has been peeing in the spots where I pee.
That's something.
Luthor's peeing outside.
We fixed 3 out of 4.
That's 75%.
We took Taylor to Benihana's when she got that on a math test last year.
I'll take it.
Get dressed and go kiss that ring.
With traffic this time of day, there's no way I'm gonna make it to New York in time.
I'll be two hours late.
I am so or-elsed.
If only you had access to a helicopter.
Permission to be rich again for a second? [Helicopter rotors whirring.]
Here I go.
Go get 'em! What's wrong? Nothing.
I couldn't have done this without you.
I don't know if it's true, but I feel like this helicopter wind is making me look fantastic! [Laughs.]
WHITNEY: [Over speaker.]
Katie, you're here! You look fantastic.
Come sit.
Oh.
Uh, I thought you were going to be here in person.
[Laughs.]
You are a quirky one, Katie.
[Chuckles.]
So, you were wrong about the ring being a metaphor.
It was right there on the table.
- Did you kiss it? - Of course.
Why not? I kissed you when you had shingles.
[Chuckles.]
- [Knocking on door.]
- Hey.
Hey! You bringing me more clothes? No.
This is filled with money.
I need to stash some away just in case Richard leaves me.
After some careful introspection, I've realized I'm insanely unlikable.
Where's your basement?