An Idiot Abroad (2010) s03e02 Episode Script
India
In the 13th century, he embarked on an epic journey from Venice to China that took over three years to complete.
Now Ricky Gervais is sending his mate Karl Pilkington to follow in his footsteps.
But this time, he's got a little company.
Will you stop just puffing and panting like that? [Bleep.]
It's like a Primark sale.
He said if he did it again, he'd want some company this time.
And he meant me, but I've sent someone in my place.
Grab hold of that.
I can't see.
They're like chalk and cheese.
Karl whinges all the time.
He's doing me head in.
He's treating it like a holiday.
He says he doesn't want adventure, he doesn't want stress.
I'm just not a good swimmer.
Once you're in, it'll be fine.
Warwick never says no.
He'll take on a challenge.
Tease the camera.
Tease the camera.
Now do a little bit from "Oliver!" Good.
Hey.
It's not the night for this, is it? Oh! I never had a kite.
Ohh! They're gonna have the adventure of their lifetime, whether they like it or not.
Whoa.
Previously on "An Idiot Abroad" Hi.
I've never seen a dwarf go on a 'round-the-world trip on any program.
Ranulph Fiennes or whatever his name is -- when he climbed Everest, he didn't say, "Is my little mate abroad?" Karl, what's his height got to do with it? Yeah.
I just think you're gonna be a hindrance.
I'm trying to open your mind and open your eyes a bit to appreciate where we are and what we're doing.
[Bleep.]
Me.
Warwick's an actor.
That's what he does.
Who is the real Warwick? He's doing me head in.
It's exactly what I said to you at the start.
There's nothing here.
There's nothing wrong with this.
Of all the people moaning about being in a tight space, you're not the one.
This is your idea to come to the party.
You go in there.
Relax.
I am relaxed.
This is good.
No, I'd rather not now.
Touch it.
Touch it.
Nearly died.
You're fine.
I think you need to find yourself, Karl.
Songs of praise on a Sunday -- it's well boring.
I don't want to see the old people dancing around to "The Lord's Prayer," sticking knives in their neck.
Get me down.
Keep hold of that rope.
If you offered me a cat now, I'd do a swap.
Gervais: I just love the atmosphere already.
Just you can feel it.
You can feel the energy, can't you? I'm excited to see the hotel.
You have no idea, have you? You won't even see the hotel.
Last time I here, I saw more backs of toilet doors than I've ever seen in me life.
You sort of want graffiti for something to read.
I don't intend on using any toilets while we're out and about.
Do everything at the hotel, done for the day.
No control of your ass.
The moment you land in India, that is it.
Your ass has got a mind of its own.
It just comes with it.
Comes with every meal.
You have a starter, main course, pudding [Bleep.]
This is lovely.
Our own palace.
It's not bad, is it? It's gorgeous.
Look at that view.
It's stunning.
It's sort of what I expected, I think, at the moment.
It's full of life.
You know, there's a certain energy you get here.
And, yeah, I'm enjoying it.
Has Warwick got that view? What view? This view.
Has Warwick got that? Look at it.
It's like they've seen you coming with all your camera kit, and they think "Antiques Roadshow's" here or something.
There's no reason for all this to be left out here.
It sums up India for me, that.
That's probably why they put those domes on the Taj Mahal, innit, to stop people putting [Bleep.]
on his roof? Do you know what you're doing with Karl, then? I'm gonna have a look through the books.
Something caught my eye, which is quite cool -- laughter yoga.
Ho, ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha! And it's actually been proven to cure depression and sort of lighten the spirit and the mood.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I'm hoping that Karl's gonna get involved and have a go at this, and we may well just see a difference in him over the few days following.
It's not a place that I think about coming for a good laugh.
You don't see many laughy faces.
And there should be, with what you're wearing.
It's my yoga pants.
You're like a [Bleep.]
oompa loompa.
Yay, yay, yay, yay! Ha-ha! Yay, yay, yay, yay! Ha-ha! Yay, yay, yay, yay! Ha-ha! Yay, yay, yay, yay! Ha-ha! Yay, yay, yay, yay! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Yay, yay, yay, yay! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Even though I was laughing, it wasn't a genuine laugh.
It was more of a release of stress, the annoyance of Warwick in a way, just given a chance to sort of yell out.
It was more of a yell -- far from a laugh.
Aah! Aah! Aah! What does make you laugh? I saw a woman walking down the street with a pram and the baby fell out.
No.
It was quite old.
It must have been about 3 or 4 or something.
And she was busy on the phone, with a [Bleep.]
on, greasy hair, leggings, and she didn't notice.
She sort of hit the curb, and it fell out, and it made me laugh, and no one else saw it.
So it was like a little private joke, just for me.
Eh, heh, heh! That's the problem with the world these days.
You're not allowed to laugh at things that you shouldn't really laugh at.
And that's why this is important in a way.
We'll be doing this at home 'cause there's nothing you're allowed to laugh at anymore.
Laughing's dying out.
Crying -- everybody's at it.
On "X Factor" -- Nick Knowles doing DIY S.
O.
S.
They give some fellow in a wheelchair a new kitchen.
Everyone's at it.
It's evolution.
We're not laughing anymore, not like we used to.
Definitely not like that.
When do you see old people laughing at home like that? Ho, ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho, ho! It's a different side to India that I saw last time I was here.
There was no laughing going on there.
And that's a little bit of a niggle, that he's having quite a nice time.
But I just think you need to find some [Bleep.]
things for him as well, just to give him a taste of that.
And then let's do some laughing yoga there -- do you know what I mean? -- When he's [Bleep.]
His pants.
Let's have a laugh, Warwick.
Ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha! Let's see him laugh then.
Let's see how much this works in a toilet with no toilet roll no toilet seat, no toilet sometimes -- just a hole.
That's what I want to see.
All right, ready? Smile.
Do it again.
Do it again.
You were still taking it.
This is, really -- it's an honor, I think -- really, isn't it? -- To be invited to do that.
How many western people get to do that? I mean, I don't know whether they've gone for me because, you know, the name Warwick Davis to have in a film is quite cool as well.
I don't know.
There's more to acting than people think.
And I think Karl's under some sort of illusion that what I do is really easy and it's just dressing up and dancing around as silly characters, which it isn't.
We're here for some rehearsals.
Thank you very much.
Just stick with me and be enthusiastic, okay? What are we gonna do? New step, new songs for a new movie.
I'll show you the steps.
One, two, three, start.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
You just do one thing.
You follow.
I am.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
Yeah, you're just missing two or three beats.
From the start.
One, two, three, start.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
Very good.
Very nice.
Thank you very much.
I know what you're doing wrong.
You're not doing that as one beat.
So it's one, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
Yeah, it gets left, that note.
One, two, three, four.
One, two.
One, two.
One, two, three, four.
Five, six.
You're a bit stiff.
Loosen up your body a bit.
If I wasn't following you, I could loosen it.
I'm really good.
But I don't want you to loosen it without the beat.
Loosen up and be in the beat.
You have to do exactly the same step.
If everyone's doing the same dance, just have one person.
There's no point.
No, it's about being all one mass.
No, but why not just have everyone having a good time? I mean, what do they want? The music's there.
At the end of the day, the audience is gonna be looking at that.
I wish I could just come out when they're all doing that.
Then I come out and do something different, give some energy and then just sneak off again, like that.
Woman: Dancing is meant to be about, you know, expression.
I get something different from the music than what Warwick gets.
There's no way that I'm having it that Warwick's a better dancer than me.
No way.
Not in this world.
I mean, look at that.
Did you see that there? Yeah.
Ah, yes, yes, yes.
I don't care who you are.
You won't remember that in the amount of time we had to learn it.
If it was Ted Danson or Bruce Willis -- they'd struggle to do what I've had to take in.
Sometimes that's what it's like when you're in this business is, you have to -- What do you mean, "this business"? You're not a singer and dancer.
No, no, no, but show business in general.
It's like, the show must go on.
Whatever happens, you gotta get out there and deliver.
It's gonna look like the early stages of "Britain's Got Talent.
" Innit? Proper [Bleep.]
When we do this Bollywood thing, right, just let me sort of take the lead on that, okay? No, will do.
Because, you know, I've had experience with acting.
Oh, here we go.
What do you mean, "Here we go"? You and your acting stuff again.
I'm just telling you.
Karl, if we go somewhere where I feel it's your arena, then of course I would take your lead on it.
I tell you, I would love to get you in your little bear outfit on a day like this, sweating your bollocks off.
Just stop banging on about the bear, right? "Star Wars" was a film I did 30 years ago, and it started my career.
Without it, I wouldn't have a career.
I mean, I'm remembered for playing an ewok, but I'm remembered for a lot more, but all you seem to see me as is a bear.
All right, an ewok.
That, to me, is a bear 'cause ewoks don't exist.
That's in the Sci-Fi fantasy world again.
It's just made-up [Bleep.]
Do you like "Harry Potter"? It's the same thing.
Of course I do.
I was in all eight of them.
Were you? I haven't seen that either.
In Hollywood? Yeah.
I haven't done anything in Hollywood recently.
Okay.
You've not been to Hollywood, have you? Yeah, I've been to Hollywood, yeah.
Hollywood? Yes, yes.
I haven't been in Hollywood.
Yeah, what about you, Karl? I'm more of an explorer than an actor.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
I think that's your outfit, Karl.
So, what's me part? In the dancing, you're kind of like a henchman for the main gangster.
A gangster wouldn't wear that.
Again, not believable.
[Bleep.]
John England.
This was all going quite well, okay? That with that and that What's going on here? They literally took a pair of trousers, and they just chopped the ends off.
A gangster.
That's just wrong.
So, that's what you do with this? It's like a -- yeah.
Honestly, is this No gangster's dressing like this.
What does this look mean? Very handsome.
Dancing.
Yeah? Are you making this up? Yes.
If I could just dance me own way.
Yes, yes.
Very nice.
Very nice, very nice.
Okay, okay.
Yes! Yes! Come on.
Am I a gangster of some sort or errand boy? Why have I got bruises and wear an outfit like this? I reckon you're gay.
I reckon we're both gay.
I think that's something we haven't been told.
I reckon we're both gay and that's why we're angry, because we're part of the gang thing and we're not allowed to tell anyone that we're gay.
Hi.
Warwick Davis.
Nice to meet you.
Great to see you, Karl.
Good to see you.
This is your moment now.
Sell it.
Sell it.
Sound.
Roll camera.
Good.
Do that bit from "Oliver!" Yes.
Good.
What else? Body popping.
Go for it.
Spin.
Now tease them.
Tease the camera.
Tease the camera.
Oh, yes.
Here she is.
Flirt.
Flirt with her.
Flirt.
This is Man: Woman: Scotland yard? Man: What are you gonna do about Kali's arrest? Yeah, yeah, do something.
Yeah, never any comment, is it? I wasn't happy with that other take, though.
I wasn't happy.
Well, if he's happy.
I'd have liked to have done another one, to be honest.
It's chaotic, though.
But that's what I like, the freedom to just sort of mix it up.
It wasn't very professional, was it? Compared to what? They did one take.
I wasn't happy with it.
It wasn't great.
And then they move on.
Now that's forever on the film.
No one's gonna see it.
Well, I'm a professional, and I like to get it right, and that was a shambles.
I mean, I don't feel comfortable.
Look at these trousers.
Nothing feels right about this whole thing.
I thought it looked all right.
[Bleep.]
It's like a Primark sale.
There's a kid being passed through the window here.
[Bleep.]
Hell, man! Wow, look at that -- the river Ganges.
Thank you.
What's going on here? That's one of the -- what they call burning ghats.
That's where they do the cremations.
People come here from all over India for their dead, and they cremate them here.
You're not gonna be looking at the sun, man, when this is going on.
Well, in the morning, a lot of people come down to meditate, as well, and that sort of thing.
You know, the sunrise is very significant to them.
So, when you die, are you gonna be there? You wish for this? But chucked on a bed of wood like that? You're happy with that? The awful thing is, some people can't afford enough wood to fully consume the body, so sometimes there are bits that are left.
And then those bits are tossed into the Ganges.
What, half-cooked bodies? Sort of chucked in? Yeah.
But, again, in their belief is going to the holy river, and the holy river will take it on to a better place.
Oh, look, what's that one there now? Yeah, that would be a body coming into the river.
Them people carrying one? You are joking.
There was kids down there swimming! You can pay a bit more money for a different sort of wood to be burned with here.
Special wood.
It's nonsense.
You say, "Oh, this one's a bit more special, so spend some money.
" They pressurize you into doing things to rip you off.
You think everything's a con.
Well, it is.
That's how the world's evolved.
I'm sure that when it started, it wasn't like that.
There wasn't a bloke there opening up a briefcase with a selection of wood.
"Now, what you do if you really love them, "use this stuff -- mahogany.
"It's your best wood you can get.
Gonna send him to heaven.
"It's faster than any of this other old [Bleep.]
Buy this stuff here.
" It's a con.
If you're going to heaven, you're there forever anyway, so what's the rush in getting there any quicker? If heaven does exist, I'm worried that I get up there and there's a load of people that annoyed me in this life and suddenly you're on this place with them forever.
People are a pain in the ass, and suddenly, "Hiya, Karl.
How are you today?" "Oh [Bleep.]
you made it, did you?" Forever.
I don't understand traveling to see the sun.
It is exactly the same one.
Let's make the best of it while we're here.
Dunno.
Want to pitch the tent so it's facing east.
Why? Well, then we can open up the flaps and watch the sunrise, the majesty.
I think it's that way.
Right, okay.
Is it meant to be like a dome? Not really.
Oh, this is the instructions.
Pop that in the back.
Done.
Yeah, look at that.
Brilliant.
That's all right.
Is this really a two-man tent? It's got a picture of two men laying in it on the instructions.
I don't think he's happy.
He's just moaning in there when I got in there.
He just was moaning a bit.
I don't want to force him into doing something 'cause then it's, like -- it's bullying, innit? I don't want to bully him, if he wants to go in a hotel or something.
It would have been nice to see the sun come up.
What's awful at the minute? What? What's bad? We've got everything we need.
We got some firewood.
We got a tent.
Well, that's all right, then.
Do you know what I mean? If you want to stay, yeah.
We'll do it.
Do it, then.
Well, as long as you're happy.
I was just thinking about you.
Nice out.
Man: All the voices.
Ravi, are many people here for the sunrise? The monks? Some holy people here, as well, with us.
Why aren't we annoying them? Why are they happy to be so close to us? Why don't they go over that way? They have no idea you are here.
Yeah, that'll be all right.
And you've got something in common with them 'cause they don't like crowds and neither do you.
Yeah, we can meet the holy people because they could talk about the sunrise and Yeah? If I call up Ricky and just say, "Warwick's had enough.
" But I wouldn't want to be the one that's to blame, do I? Why not? Because I'm not saying that we shouldn't stay here.
What's the worst that can happen? How many of them are there? Looks like he's drunk a bit.
Yeah, welcome.
Welcome to the camp.
I don't know what's happening.
Ravi, what's happening here? They seem a bit, like, angry.
Yeah, I know that.
But what's he on about? Well, that's what we'll be like in a couple of days.
Can we ask you about the sunrise? Do you enjoy the sun? He's never up in the morning.
He's getting hammered till 3:00 A.
M.
He's asleep when the sun comes up.
There is no way he's ever seen the sunrise.
Warwick, we can get a hotel, mate, seriously.
Okay.
Right.
Let's knock it on the head 'cause this is getting a bit [Bleep.]
silly, this.
Brilliant, Warwick.
"Bring them over," he said.
"Bring them over.
Let's have some company.
" We're in the middle of nowhere, peace and quiet.
He doesn't want to be part of it, does he? Look at him.
He's thinking, "Why am I involved in here?" Why is he here? Why is he knocking about with these? Is it that tough to make new friends? See, maybe there is something good in Twitter and Facebook and MySpace and that.
It gives you a chance to meet new people.
If you live in the middle of nowhere, you're knocking about with knobheads.
I tell you what -- I'm not staying here tonight.
I'm not interested.
I'm not having him as a neighbor.
Bollocks to the sunrise.
I'm a little bit disappointed that I didn't get to see that sunrise, 'cause I don't think I'll be coming back here again.
You know, I want to be there for that moment and be able to sort of share that with the viewers of the show, as well.
We just asked Karl about it, and he said, "Well, if Warwick really wants to go, I'll get up and I'll go.
" Well, we should go, definitely.
Ravi: I only did 'cause, you know, if you were getting up, I thought, "Well, if you're witnessing it, I best witness it.
" The sun.
What do you think of that? It's pretty majestic, isn't it? Still burning the bodies.
I wonder how long it takes to get a body cooked, you know, to nothingness.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Are you meant to wait, if you're there, to see them off? Are you meant to wait until it's all gone? I don't know, Karl.
Look, we've got ash dropping on us here.
Weird, though, innit? Mm.
That's one person, innit? How fed up are they gonna be, I mean, landing on you? Just a little bit of dead body.
"Oh, missed the Ganges and landed on Karl.
After all this way.
" Look at it now, the lights reflecting off of the Ganges.
I'm not getting anything.
Is that up now, then? Can we go? Is that fully up? Yep.
It's fully up.
Next.
Well, I hope you're gonna be a bit more enthusiastic about what I got lined up for you next.
Have you heard of the Indian circus? No.
It's a big deal out here.
It's a tradition that goes back hundreds of years.
And I think we should check it out, get involved, and, you know, maybe even get you on stage.
Here we go again.
It's like any excuse, innit, to get on a stage with you? I'm surprised you haven't got an agent over here, the amount of work you're taking on.
Yeah, watch out.
[Bleep.]
Pbht! Here we are.
"Welcome -- Olympic Circus.
" It hasn't quite got that excitement that I remember a circus having.
Look at the roof.
Look at the state of this.
Hello? Hello, hello! Hello.
Hello, Mantu.
Warwick.
Very nice to meet you.
I'm Karl.
Oh, I'm glad to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
So, I guess we got to figure out what Karl's gonna do in the circus.
And you.
Oh.
Have you ridden a motorbike before? No.
I've never been on one.
Try.
You try.
Yeah, it's not that different to a bike.
You can ride a bike, right? Rev and go? Yes.
I had a go-kart like that.
Okay.
All right, yeah.
You're having a laugh.
First time I'm on a bike.
So I'm not doing that.
"Rope of death.
" Yeah.
Oh, my [Bleep.]
I can't.
"Frog act.
" He's running out of ideas here.
He started off big.
He's bringing out a frog.
Do they even have frogs in India? Does anyone even know what that is? I'm not doing it as a frog.
It's not circus.
Do you know what I mean? I've never heard of amazing keepy-uppy man.
It's never happened.
You got to find the springy point.
Hey! Thank you! Hey! You can do it.
Thank you very much.
'Cause he's smaller.
It's easy.
Nothing to do with that.
I'm a born performer.
He's got better chances than me of getting the crowd going.
I'm gonna flatten tonight, and I don't know why he doesn't see that.
He must have seen.
I've been asking him on the travels, "Have you noticed how everyone looks?" And he goes, "No.
" People pretend you don't like to see Not to laugh at, just 'cause it's different.
Like a somersault, yeah? Can you do it? It's hard, this.
I've never done it before.
Fine, fine, fine, fine! He's looking at Warwick -- he's seeing pound signs.
I tell you, we'll have to check the car when we leave to make sure he hasn't added -- he might give us one of his.
He's thinking, "He's getting a bit old.
Now, get him out.
Get him in.
" What time's the frog on? - I don't know.
- But have you established with Warwick exactly what you're gonna do? Well, I'm either doing the magic trick or the keepy-uppies.
There's no point in me trying to learn something new.
What do you mean, magic trick? It's a magic trick that I did at school.
The only thing I'm worried about about doing the magic trick is is they're not familiar with the bird thing.
The sort of, the hanky, the crowd.
They're all going, "What's he doing?" A sort of bird, and then you pull it away.
And there's a bird.
No, there's not a bird.
That's how I changed it at school.
It's just an egg.
And I go, "Oh, it's not born yet.
" That's what I like to do with people.
Come out, they're expecting something, they're thinking they know what they're gonna get -- there's a twist.
So, what are you gonna do? You're not gonna say it's a bird.
You're gonna have a handkerchief in your hand in that massive arena.
Yes.
"This is close-up magic.
" And then you're gonna go, "And an egg.
" How are you saying "It isn't born yet" to people that don't understand English? How do you say "It isn't born yet"? Man: Is any English people in the audience? You don't want to do more than two minutes.
There's only 50 in there.
They'll all go, "Get off.
" How about something like Laurel and Hardy? Do you think they'll like Laurel and Hardy? Benny hill and all that -- that's still big in places like this.
Norman wisdom.
Slapstick.
What's the classic routines? Oh, yeah.
Costumes.
I was gonna say, "Do you think they've got one that fits?" But then We're coming up.
Yeah.
Bit of a jog.
And we're waving.
Hey! Like that.
I just bend down there.
Yeah.
Good.
I respect all forms of performance and entertainment.
But out in the ring, of course, you know, nerves can take over a bit -- not for me, for Karl.
And he forgot a couple bits.
I'm going around again.
I'm going around again.
Dunk me with it.
I know, but I want to run towards you, don't I? Oh, come on.
Karl didn't necessarily listen to everything I said.
He kind of takes it in -- "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
" I'm like, "I don't think you're actually listening to me.
" Come towards me from the front so they can see it.
Yeah, huh -- be careful.
Ohh! Oh! Oh, ho, ho! The reason they don't go to circuses at home is because it's that.
You see, I wouldn't go and watch that.
It was more fun being in it.
There's no way I would be sitting there watching me and him doing that.
It's garbage.
Bloody hell.
It's a power cut.
How am I supposed to perform in this? I thought it went all right, considering.
They ought to have lifted the roof off the place.
What you're gonna see now, you'll never get the chance to see again.
It's a one-off.
Not my cup of tea.
They're known as the spider sisters.
What? Spider sisters.
What, are they spider girls? Siamese twins.
Siamese? You can't say that.
Are you sad? That's not what you say anymore.
That's where they found them.
It was Ying and Yang or something.
It was two fellas.
Anyway, what's wrong with that? That's what it's known for is cats and twins -- Siam.
And yet you're happy to take one of the things away from the country, that it's known for.
I don't know why you're so fascinated with it.
Because it's different.
It's something different.
I've never seen Siamese twins.
I've only seen pictures -- photographs.
Come in the beginning bit and have a look.
No, I'm not going in, but I just don't want to be left in the car.
I just wonder, you know, if Warwick wasn't small, would he be just as keen as me? Or is he thinking, "Oh, I don't like being looked at, so I don't want to do it to someone else"? He's getting a bit mobbed there, look.
[Bleep.]
We're in the village of the spider sisters.
Look at it.
Hello, everyone.
This is bizarre, isn't it? Hello.
Hello.
Try and work which one's sort of the one in charge.
I'm guessing -- it doesn't matter.
Even if they weren't joined, they're still twins.
I'm treating them like twins.
Matt was the leader, wasn't he? And that's what I've got to do, work out which one is the lead.
And then I'll let the other one get on with whatever she's doing.
Um, what are their names? Jamuna and Ganga.
I'm Karl.
Shake that one and then that one.
Ah.
Right.
Okay? So, you have total control of the top half? Yeah.
I'm just gonna wait outside, let Karl go and ask his questions, get it out of his system, and then we'll be off, yeah? I'm not very good with questions.
Not very well.
Bad gut, bad belly.
Whose stomach? You have one stomach? One stomach? He said he had all these questions for them.
He was trying to sound all, like, journalistic and worthy.
"Oh, I'm gonna ask them what it's like, you know, sort of what it feels like to be joined.
" But it won't be that at all, will it? So, if you only have one stomach, who eats? Do you have the main and you have the pudding? How does it work? That's -- yeah.
Weird.
What happens if you wake up early, you want to get up, go to the toilet, but you don't want to wake the other one up? So, she could go out for a drink, think, "What's all the noise.
" It's 'cause she's in a pub.
What about boyfriend or that sort of thing? No.
No boyfriends.
No boyfriends? No.
Why do you smile, though? You're looking a bit sheepish -- both of them, fact.
There's something going on, isn't there? Who are you seeing? Come on.
Why is that funny? Something's happened recently, hasn't it? You said "something fishy," so they're finding that funny.
Fair enough.
We'll let them get ready for the show.
Thank you.
Two heads are better than one.
There's a saying.
They've got that.
That's a good thing.
Maybe that is how the future will be.
That's what we need, more stress in the world.
You've got to multitask.
Hello.
Hi, Ricky.
We sort of took a diversion a bit today, and we've come up to see some conjoined twins, which, you know, obviously, is what he likes.
No, I know what you're saying.
Let me get Karl because I think you need to talk to him about this.
I'm gonna get him.
Karl, it's Ricky.
What's he after? Why don't you just have a chat to him about this? Hello.
Just everyday questions.
I was saying, "What about birthdays? "How do you buy each of them a gift without knowing what the other one's got you?" They were laughing.
They were having a lovely time with me.
Honestly, everyone's worrying.
I said to them, "Do you mind being called Siamese twins?" They started laughing again.
Yeah, 'cause they think you're an idiot.
No.
Ignorant idiot.
Gervais: No.
That's it.
The thing is, Ricky, I know what you're saying, but you should see the crowds there when Warwick was walking down the street.
It's the same thing.
People just like seeing little sort of oddities in life.
I'm standing right next to him, Ricky.
That's what humans do.
We've evolved.
We learned to stand up, we learned to light fire, we learned to say "What is that?" And that's what I was doing tonight, just saying, "What's going on here? I've never seen anything like it.
" All right.
Anyway, I'm off to see them live.
They're doing a show tonight.
Yeah.
It's amazing they get around, isn't it, so well? I know.
They've got it all mapped out.
I mean, is it okay if I ride them to work? Taking them to work.
I can't believe this.
Look at him going off like he's some sort of hero now.
Is this good? He's just left me here.
I don't seem to exist at the minute.
He's so tied up in this whole "What's going on?" That I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to say.
He's just -- he's gone off.
He didn't even think to give me a lift.
When it comes to the spider sisters -- oh, yeah, he'd do anything.
He's probably in there now doing their makeup for them, ready for the show.
This is where you work.
Next time on "An Idiot Abroad" It would be good if Warwick was willing to sit on there and raise some more money.
I'll sit there -- white person, bald.
They've never seen that before.
They've never seen a little man before.
He's offered you and him to perform on stage.
Oh, great.
I'm not just gonna go and stand there and have people look.
What are you doing? Just when I think you've said the weirdest, stupidest thing ever, you top it.
You sit there.
I'll sit behind you.
People come in.
I'll give you a sense of parting.
It's just annoying me that we're not having the same experiences.
Well, is it the same way you made me share the experience with the spider sisters? Yeah.
That isn't that bad.
Don't tell me what it is.
That's a lamb bollock.
It's a bit funny I've got the [Bleep.]
and you haven't.
Does this really convince them? It's just an excuse to dress us up.
People don't always get what they want.
My favorite films are "Elephant Man" and "Kids.
" I don't like happy endings.
Now Ricky Gervais is sending his mate Karl Pilkington to follow in his footsteps.
But this time, he's got a little company.
Will you stop just puffing and panting like that? [Bleep.]
It's like a Primark sale.
He said if he did it again, he'd want some company this time.
And he meant me, but I've sent someone in my place.
Grab hold of that.
I can't see.
They're like chalk and cheese.
Karl whinges all the time.
He's doing me head in.
He's treating it like a holiday.
He says he doesn't want adventure, he doesn't want stress.
I'm just not a good swimmer.
Once you're in, it'll be fine.
Warwick never says no.
He'll take on a challenge.
Tease the camera.
Tease the camera.
Now do a little bit from "Oliver!" Good.
Hey.
It's not the night for this, is it? Oh! I never had a kite.
Ohh! They're gonna have the adventure of their lifetime, whether they like it or not.
Whoa.
Previously on "An Idiot Abroad" Hi.
I've never seen a dwarf go on a 'round-the-world trip on any program.
Ranulph Fiennes or whatever his name is -- when he climbed Everest, he didn't say, "Is my little mate abroad?" Karl, what's his height got to do with it? Yeah.
I just think you're gonna be a hindrance.
I'm trying to open your mind and open your eyes a bit to appreciate where we are and what we're doing.
[Bleep.]
Me.
Warwick's an actor.
That's what he does.
Who is the real Warwick? He's doing me head in.
It's exactly what I said to you at the start.
There's nothing here.
There's nothing wrong with this.
Of all the people moaning about being in a tight space, you're not the one.
This is your idea to come to the party.
You go in there.
Relax.
I am relaxed.
This is good.
No, I'd rather not now.
Touch it.
Touch it.
Nearly died.
You're fine.
I think you need to find yourself, Karl.
Songs of praise on a Sunday -- it's well boring.
I don't want to see the old people dancing around to "The Lord's Prayer," sticking knives in their neck.
Get me down.
Keep hold of that rope.
If you offered me a cat now, I'd do a swap.
Gervais: I just love the atmosphere already.
Just you can feel it.
You can feel the energy, can't you? I'm excited to see the hotel.
You have no idea, have you? You won't even see the hotel.
Last time I here, I saw more backs of toilet doors than I've ever seen in me life.
You sort of want graffiti for something to read.
I don't intend on using any toilets while we're out and about.
Do everything at the hotel, done for the day.
No control of your ass.
The moment you land in India, that is it.
Your ass has got a mind of its own.
It just comes with it.
Comes with every meal.
You have a starter, main course, pudding [Bleep.]
This is lovely.
Our own palace.
It's not bad, is it? It's gorgeous.
Look at that view.
It's stunning.
It's sort of what I expected, I think, at the moment.
It's full of life.
You know, there's a certain energy you get here.
And, yeah, I'm enjoying it.
Has Warwick got that view? What view? This view.
Has Warwick got that? Look at it.
It's like they've seen you coming with all your camera kit, and they think "Antiques Roadshow's" here or something.
There's no reason for all this to be left out here.
It sums up India for me, that.
That's probably why they put those domes on the Taj Mahal, innit, to stop people putting [Bleep.]
on his roof? Do you know what you're doing with Karl, then? I'm gonna have a look through the books.
Something caught my eye, which is quite cool -- laughter yoga.
Ho, ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha! And it's actually been proven to cure depression and sort of lighten the spirit and the mood.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I'm hoping that Karl's gonna get involved and have a go at this, and we may well just see a difference in him over the few days following.
It's not a place that I think about coming for a good laugh.
You don't see many laughy faces.
And there should be, with what you're wearing.
It's my yoga pants.
You're like a [Bleep.]
oompa loompa.
Yay, yay, yay, yay! Ha-ha! Yay, yay, yay, yay! Ha-ha! Yay, yay, yay, yay! Ha-ha! Yay, yay, yay, yay! Ha-ha! Yay, yay, yay, yay! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Yay, yay, yay, yay! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Even though I was laughing, it wasn't a genuine laugh.
It was more of a release of stress, the annoyance of Warwick in a way, just given a chance to sort of yell out.
It was more of a yell -- far from a laugh.
Aah! Aah! Aah! What does make you laugh? I saw a woman walking down the street with a pram and the baby fell out.
No.
It was quite old.
It must have been about 3 or 4 or something.
And she was busy on the phone, with a [Bleep.]
on, greasy hair, leggings, and she didn't notice.
She sort of hit the curb, and it fell out, and it made me laugh, and no one else saw it.
So it was like a little private joke, just for me.
Eh, heh, heh! That's the problem with the world these days.
You're not allowed to laugh at things that you shouldn't really laugh at.
And that's why this is important in a way.
We'll be doing this at home 'cause there's nothing you're allowed to laugh at anymore.
Laughing's dying out.
Crying -- everybody's at it.
On "X Factor" -- Nick Knowles doing DIY S.
O.
S.
They give some fellow in a wheelchair a new kitchen.
Everyone's at it.
It's evolution.
We're not laughing anymore, not like we used to.
Definitely not like that.
When do you see old people laughing at home like that? Ho, ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho, ho! It's a different side to India that I saw last time I was here.
There was no laughing going on there.
And that's a little bit of a niggle, that he's having quite a nice time.
But I just think you need to find some [Bleep.]
things for him as well, just to give him a taste of that.
And then let's do some laughing yoga there -- do you know what I mean? -- When he's [Bleep.]
His pants.
Let's have a laugh, Warwick.
Ho, ho! Ha, ha, ha! Let's see him laugh then.
Let's see how much this works in a toilet with no toilet roll no toilet seat, no toilet sometimes -- just a hole.
That's what I want to see.
All right, ready? Smile.
Do it again.
Do it again.
You were still taking it.
This is, really -- it's an honor, I think -- really, isn't it? -- To be invited to do that.
How many western people get to do that? I mean, I don't know whether they've gone for me because, you know, the name Warwick Davis to have in a film is quite cool as well.
I don't know.
There's more to acting than people think.
And I think Karl's under some sort of illusion that what I do is really easy and it's just dressing up and dancing around as silly characters, which it isn't.
We're here for some rehearsals.
Thank you very much.
Just stick with me and be enthusiastic, okay? What are we gonna do? New step, new songs for a new movie.
I'll show you the steps.
One, two, three, start.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
You just do one thing.
You follow.
I am.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
Yeah, you're just missing two or three beats.
From the start.
One, two, three, start.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
Very good.
Very nice.
Thank you very much.
I know what you're doing wrong.
You're not doing that as one beat.
So it's one, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
Yeah, it gets left, that note.
One, two, three, four.
One, two.
One, two.
One, two, three, four.
Five, six.
You're a bit stiff.
Loosen up your body a bit.
If I wasn't following you, I could loosen it.
I'm really good.
But I don't want you to loosen it without the beat.
Loosen up and be in the beat.
You have to do exactly the same step.
If everyone's doing the same dance, just have one person.
There's no point.
No, it's about being all one mass.
No, but why not just have everyone having a good time? I mean, what do they want? The music's there.
At the end of the day, the audience is gonna be looking at that.
I wish I could just come out when they're all doing that.
Then I come out and do something different, give some energy and then just sneak off again, like that.
Woman: Dancing is meant to be about, you know, expression.
I get something different from the music than what Warwick gets.
There's no way that I'm having it that Warwick's a better dancer than me.
No way.
Not in this world.
I mean, look at that.
Did you see that there? Yeah.
Ah, yes, yes, yes.
I don't care who you are.
You won't remember that in the amount of time we had to learn it.
If it was Ted Danson or Bruce Willis -- they'd struggle to do what I've had to take in.
Sometimes that's what it's like when you're in this business is, you have to -- What do you mean, "this business"? You're not a singer and dancer.
No, no, no, but show business in general.
It's like, the show must go on.
Whatever happens, you gotta get out there and deliver.
It's gonna look like the early stages of "Britain's Got Talent.
" Innit? Proper [Bleep.]
When we do this Bollywood thing, right, just let me sort of take the lead on that, okay? No, will do.
Because, you know, I've had experience with acting.
Oh, here we go.
What do you mean, "Here we go"? You and your acting stuff again.
I'm just telling you.
Karl, if we go somewhere where I feel it's your arena, then of course I would take your lead on it.
I tell you, I would love to get you in your little bear outfit on a day like this, sweating your bollocks off.
Just stop banging on about the bear, right? "Star Wars" was a film I did 30 years ago, and it started my career.
Without it, I wouldn't have a career.
I mean, I'm remembered for playing an ewok, but I'm remembered for a lot more, but all you seem to see me as is a bear.
All right, an ewok.
That, to me, is a bear 'cause ewoks don't exist.
That's in the Sci-Fi fantasy world again.
It's just made-up [Bleep.]
Do you like "Harry Potter"? It's the same thing.
Of course I do.
I was in all eight of them.
Were you? I haven't seen that either.
In Hollywood? Yeah.
I haven't done anything in Hollywood recently.
Okay.
You've not been to Hollywood, have you? Yeah, I've been to Hollywood, yeah.
Hollywood? Yes, yes.
I haven't been in Hollywood.
Yeah, what about you, Karl? I'm more of an explorer than an actor.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
I think that's your outfit, Karl.
So, what's me part? In the dancing, you're kind of like a henchman for the main gangster.
A gangster wouldn't wear that.
Again, not believable.
[Bleep.]
John England.
This was all going quite well, okay? That with that and that What's going on here? They literally took a pair of trousers, and they just chopped the ends off.
A gangster.
That's just wrong.
So, that's what you do with this? It's like a -- yeah.
Honestly, is this No gangster's dressing like this.
What does this look mean? Very handsome.
Dancing.
Yeah? Are you making this up? Yes.
If I could just dance me own way.
Yes, yes.
Very nice.
Very nice, very nice.
Okay, okay.
Yes! Yes! Come on.
Am I a gangster of some sort or errand boy? Why have I got bruises and wear an outfit like this? I reckon you're gay.
I reckon we're both gay.
I think that's something we haven't been told.
I reckon we're both gay and that's why we're angry, because we're part of the gang thing and we're not allowed to tell anyone that we're gay.
Hi.
Warwick Davis.
Nice to meet you.
Great to see you, Karl.
Good to see you.
This is your moment now.
Sell it.
Sell it.
Sound.
Roll camera.
Good.
Do that bit from "Oliver!" Yes.
Good.
What else? Body popping.
Go for it.
Spin.
Now tease them.
Tease the camera.
Tease the camera.
Oh, yes.
Here she is.
Flirt.
Flirt with her.
Flirt.
This is Man: Woman: Scotland yard? Man: What are you gonna do about Kali's arrest? Yeah, yeah, do something.
Yeah, never any comment, is it? I wasn't happy with that other take, though.
I wasn't happy.
Well, if he's happy.
I'd have liked to have done another one, to be honest.
It's chaotic, though.
But that's what I like, the freedom to just sort of mix it up.
It wasn't very professional, was it? Compared to what? They did one take.
I wasn't happy with it.
It wasn't great.
And then they move on.
Now that's forever on the film.
No one's gonna see it.
Well, I'm a professional, and I like to get it right, and that was a shambles.
I mean, I don't feel comfortable.
Look at these trousers.
Nothing feels right about this whole thing.
I thought it looked all right.
[Bleep.]
It's like a Primark sale.
There's a kid being passed through the window here.
[Bleep.]
Hell, man! Wow, look at that -- the river Ganges.
Thank you.
What's going on here? That's one of the -- what they call burning ghats.
That's where they do the cremations.
People come here from all over India for their dead, and they cremate them here.
You're not gonna be looking at the sun, man, when this is going on.
Well, in the morning, a lot of people come down to meditate, as well, and that sort of thing.
You know, the sunrise is very significant to them.
So, when you die, are you gonna be there? You wish for this? But chucked on a bed of wood like that? You're happy with that? The awful thing is, some people can't afford enough wood to fully consume the body, so sometimes there are bits that are left.
And then those bits are tossed into the Ganges.
What, half-cooked bodies? Sort of chucked in? Yeah.
But, again, in their belief is going to the holy river, and the holy river will take it on to a better place.
Oh, look, what's that one there now? Yeah, that would be a body coming into the river.
Them people carrying one? You are joking.
There was kids down there swimming! You can pay a bit more money for a different sort of wood to be burned with here.
Special wood.
It's nonsense.
You say, "Oh, this one's a bit more special, so spend some money.
" They pressurize you into doing things to rip you off.
You think everything's a con.
Well, it is.
That's how the world's evolved.
I'm sure that when it started, it wasn't like that.
There wasn't a bloke there opening up a briefcase with a selection of wood.
"Now, what you do if you really love them, "use this stuff -- mahogany.
"It's your best wood you can get.
Gonna send him to heaven.
"It's faster than any of this other old [Bleep.]
Buy this stuff here.
" It's a con.
If you're going to heaven, you're there forever anyway, so what's the rush in getting there any quicker? If heaven does exist, I'm worried that I get up there and there's a load of people that annoyed me in this life and suddenly you're on this place with them forever.
People are a pain in the ass, and suddenly, "Hiya, Karl.
How are you today?" "Oh [Bleep.]
you made it, did you?" Forever.
I don't understand traveling to see the sun.
It is exactly the same one.
Let's make the best of it while we're here.
Dunno.
Want to pitch the tent so it's facing east.
Why? Well, then we can open up the flaps and watch the sunrise, the majesty.
I think it's that way.
Right, okay.
Is it meant to be like a dome? Not really.
Oh, this is the instructions.
Pop that in the back.
Done.
Yeah, look at that.
Brilliant.
That's all right.
Is this really a two-man tent? It's got a picture of two men laying in it on the instructions.
I don't think he's happy.
He's just moaning in there when I got in there.
He just was moaning a bit.
I don't want to force him into doing something 'cause then it's, like -- it's bullying, innit? I don't want to bully him, if he wants to go in a hotel or something.
It would have been nice to see the sun come up.
What's awful at the minute? What? What's bad? We've got everything we need.
We got some firewood.
We got a tent.
Well, that's all right, then.
Do you know what I mean? If you want to stay, yeah.
We'll do it.
Do it, then.
Well, as long as you're happy.
I was just thinking about you.
Nice out.
Man: All the voices.
Ravi, are many people here for the sunrise? The monks? Some holy people here, as well, with us.
Why aren't we annoying them? Why are they happy to be so close to us? Why don't they go over that way? They have no idea you are here.
Yeah, that'll be all right.
And you've got something in common with them 'cause they don't like crowds and neither do you.
Yeah, we can meet the holy people because they could talk about the sunrise and Yeah? If I call up Ricky and just say, "Warwick's had enough.
" But I wouldn't want to be the one that's to blame, do I? Why not? Because I'm not saying that we shouldn't stay here.
What's the worst that can happen? How many of them are there? Looks like he's drunk a bit.
Yeah, welcome.
Welcome to the camp.
I don't know what's happening.
Ravi, what's happening here? They seem a bit, like, angry.
Yeah, I know that.
But what's he on about? Well, that's what we'll be like in a couple of days.
Can we ask you about the sunrise? Do you enjoy the sun? He's never up in the morning.
He's getting hammered till 3:00 A.
M.
He's asleep when the sun comes up.
There is no way he's ever seen the sunrise.
Warwick, we can get a hotel, mate, seriously.
Okay.
Right.
Let's knock it on the head 'cause this is getting a bit [Bleep.]
silly, this.
Brilliant, Warwick.
"Bring them over," he said.
"Bring them over.
Let's have some company.
" We're in the middle of nowhere, peace and quiet.
He doesn't want to be part of it, does he? Look at him.
He's thinking, "Why am I involved in here?" Why is he here? Why is he knocking about with these? Is it that tough to make new friends? See, maybe there is something good in Twitter and Facebook and MySpace and that.
It gives you a chance to meet new people.
If you live in the middle of nowhere, you're knocking about with knobheads.
I tell you what -- I'm not staying here tonight.
I'm not interested.
I'm not having him as a neighbor.
Bollocks to the sunrise.
I'm a little bit disappointed that I didn't get to see that sunrise, 'cause I don't think I'll be coming back here again.
You know, I want to be there for that moment and be able to sort of share that with the viewers of the show, as well.
We just asked Karl about it, and he said, "Well, if Warwick really wants to go, I'll get up and I'll go.
" Well, we should go, definitely.
Ravi: I only did 'cause, you know, if you were getting up, I thought, "Well, if you're witnessing it, I best witness it.
" The sun.
What do you think of that? It's pretty majestic, isn't it? Still burning the bodies.
I wonder how long it takes to get a body cooked, you know, to nothingness.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Are you meant to wait, if you're there, to see them off? Are you meant to wait until it's all gone? I don't know, Karl.
Look, we've got ash dropping on us here.
Weird, though, innit? Mm.
That's one person, innit? How fed up are they gonna be, I mean, landing on you? Just a little bit of dead body.
"Oh, missed the Ganges and landed on Karl.
After all this way.
" Look at it now, the lights reflecting off of the Ganges.
I'm not getting anything.
Is that up now, then? Can we go? Is that fully up? Yep.
It's fully up.
Next.
Well, I hope you're gonna be a bit more enthusiastic about what I got lined up for you next.
Have you heard of the Indian circus? No.
It's a big deal out here.
It's a tradition that goes back hundreds of years.
And I think we should check it out, get involved, and, you know, maybe even get you on stage.
Here we go again.
It's like any excuse, innit, to get on a stage with you? I'm surprised you haven't got an agent over here, the amount of work you're taking on.
Yeah, watch out.
[Bleep.]
Pbht! Here we are.
"Welcome -- Olympic Circus.
" It hasn't quite got that excitement that I remember a circus having.
Look at the roof.
Look at the state of this.
Hello? Hello, hello! Hello.
Hello, Mantu.
Warwick.
Very nice to meet you.
I'm Karl.
Oh, I'm glad to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
So, I guess we got to figure out what Karl's gonna do in the circus.
And you.
Oh.
Have you ridden a motorbike before? No.
I've never been on one.
Try.
You try.
Yeah, it's not that different to a bike.
You can ride a bike, right? Rev and go? Yes.
I had a go-kart like that.
Okay.
All right, yeah.
You're having a laugh.
First time I'm on a bike.
So I'm not doing that.
"Rope of death.
" Yeah.
Oh, my [Bleep.]
I can't.
"Frog act.
" He's running out of ideas here.
He started off big.
He's bringing out a frog.
Do they even have frogs in India? Does anyone even know what that is? I'm not doing it as a frog.
It's not circus.
Do you know what I mean? I've never heard of amazing keepy-uppy man.
It's never happened.
You got to find the springy point.
Hey! Thank you! Hey! You can do it.
Thank you very much.
'Cause he's smaller.
It's easy.
Nothing to do with that.
I'm a born performer.
He's got better chances than me of getting the crowd going.
I'm gonna flatten tonight, and I don't know why he doesn't see that.
He must have seen.
I've been asking him on the travels, "Have you noticed how everyone looks?" And he goes, "No.
" People pretend you don't like to see Not to laugh at, just 'cause it's different.
Like a somersault, yeah? Can you do it? It's hard, this.
I've never done it before.
Fine, fine, fine, fine! He's looking at Warwick -- he's seeing pound signs.
I tell you, we'll have to check the car when we leave to make sure he hasn't added -- he might give us one of his.
He's thinking, "He's getting a bit old.
Now, get him out.
Get him in.
" What time's the frog on? - I don't know.
- But have you established with Warwick exactly what you're gonna do? Well, I'm either doing the magic trick or the keepy-uppies.
There's no point in me trying to learn something new.
What do you mean, magic trick? It's a magic trick that I did at school.
The only thing I'm worried about about doing the magic trick is is they're not familiar with the bird thing.
The sort of, the hanky, the crowd.
They're all going, "What's he doing?" A sort of bird, and then you pull it away.
And there's a bird.
No, there's not a bird.
That's how I changed it at school.
It's just an egg.
And I go, "Oh, it's not born yet.
" That's what I like to do with people.
Come out, they're expecting something, they're thinking they know what they're gonna get -- there's a twist.
So, what are you gonna do? You're not gonna say it's a bird.
You're gonna have a handkerchief in your hand in that massive arena.
Yes.
"This is close-up magic.
" And then you're gonna go, "And an egg.
" How are you saying "It isn't born yet" to people that don't understand English? How do you say "It isn't born yet"? Man: Is any English people in the audience? You don't want to do more than two minutes.
There's only 50 in there.
They'll all go, "Get off.
" How about something like Laurel and Hardy? Do you think they'll like Laurel and Hardy? Benny hill and all that -- that's still big in places like this.
Norman wisdom.
Slapstick.
What's the classic routines? Oh, yeah.
Costumes.
I was gonna say, "Do you think they've got one that fits?" But then We're coming up.
Yeah.
Bit of a jog.
And we're waving.
Hey! Like that.
I just bend down there.
Yeah.
Good.
I respect all forms of performance and entertainment.
But out in the ring, of course, you know, nerves can take over a bit -- not for me, for Karl.
And he forgot a couple bits.
I'm going around again.
I'm going around again.
Dunk me with it.
I know, but I want to run towards you, don't I? Oh, come on.
Karl didn't necessarily listen to everything I said.
He kind of takes it in -- "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
" I'm like, "I don't think you're actually listening to me.
" Come towards me from the front so they can see it.
Yeah, huh -- be careful.
Ohh! Oh! Oh, ho, ho! The reason they don't go to circuses at home is because it's that.
You see, I wouldn't go and watch that.
It was more fun being in it.
There's no way I would be sitting there watching me and him doing that.
It's garbage.
Bloody hell.
It's a power cut.
How am I supposed to perform in this? I thought it went all right, considering.
They ought to have lifted the roof off the place.
What you're gonna see now, you'll never get the chance to see again.
It's a one-off.
Not my cup of tea.
They're known as the spider sisters.
What? Spider sisters.
What, are they spider girls? Siamese twins.
Siamese? You can't say that.
Are you sad? That's not what you say anymore.
That's where they found them.
It was Ying and Yang or something.
It was two fellas.
Anyway, what's wrong with that? That's what it's known for is cats and twins -- Siam.
And yet you're happy to take one of the things away from the country, that it's known for.
I don't know why you're so fascinated with it.
Because it's different.
It's something different.
I've never seen Siamese twins.
I've only seen pictures -- photographs.
Come in the beginning bit and have a look.
No, I'm not going in, but I just don't want to be left in the car.
I just wonder, you know, if Warwick wasn't small, would he be just as keen as me? Or is he thinking, "Oh, I don't like being looked at, so I don't want to do it to someone else"? He's getting a bit mobbed there, look.
[Bleep.]
We're in the village of the spider sisters.
Look at it.
Hello, everyone.
This is bizarre, isn't it? Hello.
Hello.
Try and work which one's sort of the one in charge.
I'm guessing -- it doesn't matter.
Even if they weren't joined, they're still twins.
I'm treating them like twins.
Matt was the leader, wasn't he? And that's what I've got to do, work out which one is the lead.
And then I'll let the other one get on with whatever she's doing.
Um, what are their names? Jamuna and Ganga.
I'm Karl.
Shake that one and then that one.
Ah.
Right.
Okay? So, you have total control of the top half? Yeah.
I'm just gonna wait outside, let Karl go and ask his questions, get it out of his system, and then we'll be off, yeah? I'm not very good with questions.
Not very well.
Bad gut, bad belly.
Whose stomach? You have one stomach? One stomach? He said he had all these questions for them.
He was trying to sound all, like, journalistic and worthy.
"Oh, I'm gonna ask them what it's like, you know, sort of what it feels like to be joined.
" But it won't be that at all, will it? So, if you only have one stomach, who eats? Do you have the main and you have the pudding? How does it work? That's -- yeah.
Weird.
What happens if you wake up early, you want to get up, go to the toilet, but you don't want to wake the other one up? So, she could go out for a drink, think, "What's all the noise.
" It's 'cause she's in a pub.
What about boyfriend or that sort of thing? No.
No boyfriends.
No boyfriends? No.
Why do you smile, though? You're looking a bit sheepish -- both of them, fact.
There's something going on, isn't there? Who are you seeing? Come on.
Why is that funny? Something's happened recently, hasn't it? You said "something fishy," so they're finding that funny.
Fair enough.
We'll let them get ready for the show.
Thank you.
Two heads are better than one.
There's a saying.
They've got that.
That's a good thing.
Maybe that is how the future will be.
That's what we need, more stress in the world.
You've got to multitask.
Hello.
Hi, Ricky.
We sort of took a diversion a bit today, and we've come up to see some conjoined twins, which, you know, obviously, is what he likes.
No, I know what you're saying.
Let me get Karl because I think you need to talk to him about this.
I'm gonna get him.
Karl, it's Ricky.
What's he after? Why don't you just have a chat to him about this? Hello.
Just everyday questions.
I was saying, "What about birthdays? "How do you buy each of them a gift without knowing what the other one's got you?" They were laughing.
They were having a lovely time with me.
Honestly, everyone's worrying.
I said to them, "Do you mind being called Siamese twins?" They started laughing again.
Yeah, 'cause they think you're an idiot.
No.
Ignorant idiot.
Gervais: No.
That's it.
The thing is, Ricky, I know what you're saying, but you should see the crowds there when Warwick was walking down the street.
It's the same thing.
People just like seeing little sort of oddities in life.
I'm standing right next to him, Ricky.
That's what humans do.
We've evolved.
We learned to stand up, we learned to light fire, we learned to say "What is that?" And that's what I was doing tonight, just saying, "What's going on here? I've never seen anything like it.
" All right.
Anyway, I'm off to see them live.
They're doing a show tonight.
Yeah.
It's amazing they get around, isn't it, so well? I know.
They've got it all mapped out.
I mean, is it okay if I ride them to work? Taking them to work.
I can't believe this.
Look at him going off like he's some sort of hero now.
Is this good? He's just left me here.
I don't seem to exist at the minute.
He's so tied up in this whole "What's going on?" That I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to say.
He's just -- he's gone off.
He didn't even think to give me a lift.
When it comes to the spider sisters -- oh, yeah, he'd do anything.
He's probably in there now doing their makeup for them, ready for the show.
This is where you work.
Next time on "An Idiot Abroad" It would be good if Warwick was willing to sit on there and raise some more money.
I'll sit there -- white person, bald.
They've never seen that before.
They've never seen a little man before.
He's offered you and him to perform on stage.
Oh, great.
I'm not just gonna go and stand there and have people look.
What are you doing? Just when I think you've said the weirdest, stupidest thing ever, you top it.
You sit there.
I'll sit behind you.
People come in.
I'll give you a sense of parting.
It's just annoying me that we're not having the same experiences.
Well, is it the same way you made me share the experience with the spider sisters? Yeah.
That isn't that bad.
Don't tell me what it is.
That's a lamb bollock.
It's a bit funny I've got the [Bleep.]
and you haven't.
Does this really convince them? It's just an excuse to dress us up.
People don't always get what they want.
My favorite films are "Elephant Man" and "Kids.
" I don't like happy endings.