Animals. (2016) s03e02 Episode Script

1 (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) I think it's I think it's like a microphone or something.
The general's pen.
(WHISTLES) Test.
Test.
Hot Trivago guy.
Pictures of hot Trivago guy.
It's like a Siri.
What, do you think it's Siri? You think it's like a Siri? I think they're watching us.
Mike, it's 11:30 on a Friday night.
Nobody's watching us.
All right, buddy? - You're right.
- It's because of the bunker.
We've been in here for three fucking years.
Of course we're gonna start putting together things that aren't there.
It's a pen.
And it's a blue-inked pen at that, which is the redheaded stepchild of the pen world.
Sure, you love them the same, but ya gotta put more sunscreen on them at the beach, and what if the other kids at school make fun 'em or if they have an Irish tendency to drink, Michael.
(IRISH ACCENT) What are we gonna do if our son's gripped by the devil's juice! Oh! I think I've got a little of the bunker brain myself.
- I think so.
- I'm getting a little stir crazy.
Seriously.
No, honestly, (FADES) the other night I noticed it too.
(SQUEALS, LAUGHS) Yoo-hoo! - (CREEPY MUSIC PLAYS) - Honk, honk! (LAUGHS) Plonky loves you, Philip! Plonky protects you, Philip! Oh! You know what you should do? You should cut Mike's neck open because he's filled with Starburst, and there's no yellows! Yeah! Spleen.
Look at my big ass! Isn't that funny? (MUSIC STOPS) - What? - (CLEARS THROAT) We're on sector 302, dogs, today.
Oh.
Oh, great! Dogs.
Oh my God, I love dogs.
God, I just wanna kiss 'em.
I just wanna love 'em.
(CHUCKLES) Pervert.
Ew! It's not like I have a crush on dogs.
- Okay.
- I will admit the girl dog in A Goofy Movie was very pretty.
She was a teenager.
She was they were little kids.
They were, like, in middle school in that movie.
I don't think so.
I no.
- PHIL: She was 14, maybe.
- MIKE: Well, that in dog years is old.
PHIL: You keep finding these loopholes to be a scumbag.
MIKE: I do backflips through those loopholes.
Yeah, okay.
DOG PHIL: We all remember where we were on Green Day, - the day our humans left.
- (DOGS BARKING) At first, it was great.
We ate, we fucked and sucked, and we chucked things at each other.
- It was sick tight! - (LAUGHS) Get it? PHIL: Then with no owners to tell us what to do, how to act or when to sit, - liberation led to chaos.
- (HOWLING) There was theft, violence, cans-of-balls-ism.
Our species had hit rock bottom, but we needed to.
- (DOG WHINES) - PHIL: 'Cause it clarified we needed to free ourselves from Human Owner Dependency.
I wish I could say it gets easier, but it just doesn't.
Every day is a battle where you look in the mirror and you say, "Hey.
Hey, HODA!" DOGS: Hey, HODA! - (APPLAUSE) - MIKE: Oh wow! I feel like I saw the whole thing.
Additionally, I would like to congratulate Phil on being one year independent! - Oh my God! My chip! - MIKE: You got your chip.
- Congratulations, buddy! - PHIL: Oh my God.
Okay, that's gonna wrap it up for today! All right? - DOG: Such an inspiration.
Thank you.
- PHIL: Thanks so much.
Hey, you'll get there! You'll get there! - Philly! - Hey.
One year independent.
That's a big deal, man.
- I'm truly proud of you, bud.
- Thanks, Mike.
Hey, you sure you're all right living up there in your apartment by yourself? It's just, you get tempted Yeah.
I'm a year in, you know there's no going back for me.
My apartment's got exposed brick.
You have exposed brick? - I got EB, dude.
Yeah.
It's - MIKE: Wow.
- All right, so you're good.
Great.
- PHIL: I'm good, I'm cool.
- MIKE: All right, cool.
I guess I'll - See you at work? - see you at work tomorrow! - Yeah.
Foze? - Oh hey, Phil.
- Fluffy, my favorite sponsee! How you holding up, buddy? Everything good? Um, to be honest with you, I've just been having a tough go of it lately.
- What's up? - I mean I been doing my exercises like we learned and everything empowerment chanting - PHIL: Sure.
Great.
- the vision boarding, burpees even, but it's hard not looking at the door and thinking my owner's gonna walk in any second with his big ol' eyes, generally pale complexion.
Maybe he's tired from shooting small but impactful movie roles or finishing a starring role in HBO's Boardwalk Empire or maybe a Sandler film.
He's in that camp.
Fluffy, I know this is supposed to be anonymous, but was your old human Steve Buscemi? - (CHUCKLES) I don't know.
- Oh my God! It was! Oh man, I'm sorry.
Sorry, I got offtrack.
- PHIL: No, it's okay.
- My mind wanders, ya know.
Listen, Fluffy, I'm here for you.
If you're thinking of using, you give me a call right away, all right, dude? - Thank you, Phil, thank you.
- All right, have a good night.
You know, he was in Airheads too.
I mean, people sometimes forget about his comedic film output with the Coen brothers - Oh, Steve Buscemi.
- and the Tarantino roles.
- oh my God, he's so funny.
Like he's - Good stuff.
All right, Fluff, - I'll see you later, bud.
- Peace out.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) So, class, can anybody tell me what animal this is? - RINGO: Oh I know, I know! - Ringo, yeah.
That's Sammy's mom! Old wolf-ass butt-sniffer.
Shut up, Ringo! At least my mom's not in our class.
STUDENTS: Ooh! Your mom's licking somebody's booty right now, trying to figure out what they ate, what neighborhood they live in.
- That's just not right.
- That's how your momma get information! Your momma get information by licking other dog butt, man! (DOGS SHOUTING) PHIL: All right, all right, everybody calm down.
- Uh, yeah, Chi Chi, let's hear it.
- That's a wolf, Mr.
Matarese.
Wolf! Correct! (RINGO MUTTERS) I said that, man.
I knew it was a wolf.
- PHIL: Chi Chi got it.
Wolves.
- (CHI CHI WHISPERS) Fuck yeah.
The wild, vicious animals are in fact direct ancestors of dogs.
They've managed to survive completely on their own in the wild.
So, what you're saying is, wolves were never pets? Chi Chi, please raise your hand.
Yes, wolves were never pets.
And as you all know, before Green Day, dogs were domesticated, meaning we were pets for humans.
But hundreds of years before that, dogs were like wolves.
We were wild.
We were free.
RINGO: Like how Sammy gets cartoon wolf eyes every time he sees Chi Chi? He's like "Aah-ooo-gah! I got a crush on Chi Chi! Chi Chi, be my wife!" SAMMY: So what, Ringo? At least Chi Chi's real, unlike your "girlfriend in Canada.
" Sabine is real! I'll Skype her right now, you son of a bitch.
MOM: You better not have an online girlfriend, Ringo! No son of mine's getting MTV Catfished.
- DOGS: Ooh! - She sent me pictures, Ma! All right, all right, calm down! Calm down! The point is that post-Green Day, us dogs have a chance to return to our natural way of things.
You guys are the future, man.
Reclaim your independence.
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) - PHIL: Just a reminder, I need the money and signed permission slips for our field trip to the Upper West Side kennel museum, okay, everybody? RINGO: Oh, Mr.
Matarese, I wanna go - to the M&M store in Times Square! - That'd be fun.
Guys, it's a part of our history! Right, gang? - DOG: Yeah, I guess so.
- RINGO: All right.
Hey, Chi Chi, I haven't received your field trip money and slip.
If anyone would benefit from a valuable learning experience like this, it'd be you.
Jeez, Mr.
Matarese, sounds interesting but money's a little tight right now.
I don't think my mom would want me spending it on this.
Sorry.
- Hey, real quick.
- Mm-hmm? What would your mom prefer you to spend it on? - I'm just curious.
- Like, ginger ale? All right, well, at least think it over for me.
(MUMBLING) All right, I just told you I couldn't do it - (PHONE SWIPING) - PHIL: No.
- Ooh, he's cute.
- (DOOR OPENS) - You have it? Do you have the stuff? - Yeah, of course, dude.
Sorry, I'm just nervous.
I haven't done this before.
- You want it or what? - I just put it around my neck, right? - (TOILET FLUSHES) - Yeah.
- Hey! - Mr.
Matarese! Hey, get back here! You get over here! - Get off me, man! - Don't bite! Let me see what you got in here! Custom name collars? Bedazzled leashes? Where'd you get all this stuff? What's your name? - My name's Frisbee.
- Listen, I'm sure you think - it's pretty cool to be owned, right? - Yeah.
Well, it's not.
It gets dark real fast.
Pretty soon you'll be begging for food at a table ain't nobody eating at, got it? Whatever.
I know you like a good choke, Mr.
Matarese.
You better be talking about a lesser-known Chuck Palahniuk novel because that's the only Choke I'm about now.
- And I'm confiscating your stash.
- What? You're lucky I believe in second chances like Hollywood and that long-faced donkey boy Miles Teller.
Pssh! Ex-addict.
PHIL: Yeah, you're damn right.
And proudly one year sober, and you'll be too! He's gone.
Fuck it.
(TWEETS) (SIRENS BLARE) (APPLAUSE ON TV) Hmm, Jim Carrey never got out of character while filming that Andy Kaufman movie, thus proving that Jim Carrey was not held enough as a baby.
(CHUCKLES, GASPS) Shouldn't have brought that in this bachelor pad.
(SIPS) Oh boy.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm one year, I'm not going back.
Oh fuck it! Oh.
Ooh, yes.
(GRUNTS, SCREAMS) (BOTH LAUGH, DISTORTED) (DISTORTED) Stop it, it tickles.
Ooh, ooh.
(BELL DINGS) - (GRUNTING) - (PHONE BUZZING) (SLURS) I can't call Meredith.
Fuck.
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) - You know, the wolves situa (COUGHS) 'Scuse me.
The wolf situation is that the genealogy of the, uh (SCOFFS) Maybe Mr.
Matarese had too many snow cones or something.
(LAUGHS) - (SHOUTS) Shove it up your ass, Ringo! - (SHATTERS) (DOGS GASP) Uh, I didn't mean nothin' by it, Mr.
Matarese.
Just doing what I do.
(BREATHES SHAKILY) I'm sorry.
- (TAPPING) - Fuck, I've just got this headache.
Sammy, can you stop tapping on the fucking desk? Ah! I'm sorry for cursing! Son of a bitch! Did someone say, "Son of a bitch"? 'Cause that's me! DOGS: Mr.
Luciano! He's our guidance counselor.
We feel comfortable talking to him because of his beard and argyle sweater! I love you guys.
You keep me young.
- Hey, Mr.
Matarese.
- PHIL: Yeah? Um, you mind stepping outside for a sec? - I can have a word with you? - DOGS: Ooh! - DOG: You're in trouble.
- Yeah.
Yeah sure.
I cry in Luciano's office a lot.
Phil, Fluffy's in the hospital.
What? What happened to him? I was just talking to him last night! - He went back on the leash.
- (SOBBING) He fell out of the first floor window.
He's a small Chihuahua, so that - height is extremely dangerous! - God, dude.
Why wouldn't he reach out for help from one of us? He didn't call you or anything? I mean, you're his sponsor, so.
Fluffy? No, he didn't call me.
No way.
I would've picked up day or night.
I don't let down my sponsees like that.
Okay.
Just had to ask.
To the hospital! - PHIL: Oh God, where is he? - MIKE: There he is! - PHIL: Oh, Fluffster! - (RHYTHMIC BEEPING) (BEEPING CONTINUES) - MIKE: Oh, Fluffy.
- What is that beeping sound? What If I stop, it's gonna be all (MIMICS FLATLINE TONE) - Oh God, please, please, please! - Keep going! Keep going! - (MIMICS BEEPING) - (PHIL AND MIKE SIGH) - MIKE: Jesus Christ.
- PHIL: Well, how's he doing? How's Fluff? Well, there's no question, he's in critical condition.
I mean, Fluffy's lucky to be alive.
He could've died falling out that one-story window, you know.
I knew it.
I knew that.
You know, I hate to be a stickler, but I dunno about "die.
" I mean, one story, it's not even I'm sorry, who is this? We got Dr.
Phil over here? The Chihuahua's got a bad brain, okay, Sherlock? That's funny, 'cause my name is Phil, so I would actually be Dr.
Phil.
- Wait a minute, Doctor Who? - Ah, finally, a woman! I told you, I'm more of a Sherlock girl.
No, Doctor Who is a girl.
Excuse me, has anyone here seen the show Luther? GROUP: Aah! Ow.
(GROANS) - PHIL: Fluffy! Fluffy! - MIKE: Oh God, Fluffy.
I called you, Phil.
Why didn't you pick up your phone? I'm sorry, Fluff.
I I don't know.
I let you down.
A little bit, but don't worry about it.
I saw Steve.
They brought him back.
I saw him.
Fluffy, you were using.
It wasn't real.
Oh my God, Steve Buscemi? Yeah, yeah, the one and only.
I mean, always so nice to meet a fan.
- I mean, oh! Ow! Everything really hurt.
- (FARTS) - MIKE: Fluffy, I'm sorry.
- I'm not gonna make it.
- Let's give him some space.
- Get well soon, Fluff.
Stay strong.
Oh, Fluffy.
I fucking let you down, Fluff.
No, I need something more.
- (GRUNTS) - (TOYS SQUEAKING) (INHALES DEEPLY) Oh yeah! Philly's back, baby! Cue the montage! (SNIFFING) Abercrombie.
Ooh, a tidbit of Old Navy! (SNIFFS) Forever 21! Where to, Meredith? Once around the block so I can poo-poo? (LAUGHS) - (GRUNTS, LAUGHS) I'll get it Meredith! - (BALL SQUEAKS) - (KNOCK ON DOOR) - (GASPS) Oh boy! This is it.
The big one.
The authorities are here to take me away for good! I'm coming! I'm Just jerking off! I'm almost there! Okay, give me a second! - (KNOCKING CONTINUES) - (FLUSHES) Okay.
Hi, Officer.
How's it Huh? What the fuck is this? (MIKE'S VOICE READING) "P.
S.
Melon a little boring, "but definitely fresh.
"And if you could Venmo me, like, half, I'd apreesh.
XX.
" - What the fuck is this? - (DOOR CLOSES) Fucking bullshit.
Bunch of nonsense.
(SNIFFING, GASPS) I lost the fucking scent! God dammit! I flushed everything I had for a fruit basket a melon-dominant fruit basket! I need some shit now! (GROWLING, MUTTERING) (DISTORTED) Oh, I need some shit.
Ooh, farts.
Ooh, farts.
- Get a job! - You get a haircut, hippie! Wait, I'm sorry! Oh! - DOG: Oh, disgusting.
- (DEMONIC VOICE): Suck my dick! Or I'll suck yours if you got some shit on you! Just kidding! (LAUGHS) (BABBLES) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) "Quack Market.
" Ooh, Simon Birch.
(QUACKING) Duck's got huge balls.
"Dog miss owner? Bad Boy punishment tool here.
" Yes, this is what papa needs! Bad boy! Bad Phil! Bad, bad, bad, bad! (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) - There's your money, you fucking duck! - (QUACKS) (PHIL LAUGHS) Quack, quack.
Don't step on a quack or you'll break your mother's back.
- (QUACKING) - PHIL: Is she okay? What happened? PHIL: You scratch me there and I kick.
Get your fucking wings off of me! (GRUNTING) Well, fuck you too, you buncha Daffy-ass Donalds! - Whoa! Was that a baby? - (SQUEAKS) Where the hell else can I go? I need a fucking fix.
- (QUACKS) - Ow! Frisbee.
The kid from school.
(GROWLING, MUTTERING) - (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) - Hey, Mr.
Matarese! Oh, Jesus! Oh hey, Chi Chi.
- I talked to my mom about the field trip - PHIL: Yeah.
and well, I started working extra shifts to cover my expenses and Oh great.
This is awesome.
I think when it really comes down to it, the virtues that you've been trying to teach us in class, - Okay, sure.
- I feel like have finally come into focus in many ways.
- Thanks, Chi Chi.
Okay, bye.
- Oh, Mr.
Matarese.
Always running off all sketchy and whatnot.
Hey! Hey, Frisbee! Frisbee, right? What do you want, narc? You already took my stash.
- (GROWLS) - Ah! Get your paws off me, dude! Well, that all got flushed, okay, baby boy? And I need some more.
Where can I get the good stuff? Um, I think I can get some more collars.
Ah, fuck that collar shit, - all right, buddy? - Whoa! That's tee-ball, and I'm full-on Air Bud now baby.
Okay, okay, calm down.
I think I know of something that is up your alley.
I can make her come back.
- What do you mean "her"? - Your owner.
- (WHISPERS) Meredith.
- It's gonna cost you big, but listen, this ain't no quick fix.
- It's an experience, bro.
- Uh, oh shit.
I got this.
- How how about that? Is that enough? - Sorry, old man.
This thing's gonna cost you a whole lot more than this.
Roughly this amount times, like, a classroom full of kids.
- Wait a second.
(MUTTERING) - What? Hello.
Hello.
Oh, I see what you're doing.
Carry the two, bro.
Okay, sorry, I was thinking out loud.
Yeah, I'll be right back! Zoom! (PANTS, SNIFFS) Okay.
Oh yes.
That should be enough.
(LAUGHS) Ooh yeah, we're getting Na-na-na Motherfucking quack duck's gonna treat me right, smack my ass - MIKE: It's a shame, huh? - Oh! Jesus Christ! Why's everybody keep sneaking up on me? Shame about what? Fluffy.
We, uh we lost him last night.
- (CRYING) Oh no! - I know.
Fluffy.
No! He joined the other dependency group, KATHY.
Can you believe it? He joined KATHY! Fluffy's not dead? Oh no.
Oh, 'cause he was in the hospital? No, no, no.
He's totally fine.
He he's totally fine.
- Oh, Jesus.
- He joined the competing rehab group, Knowledge and Tutelage of Hound Youth.
- PHIL: Oh - MIKE: Yeah.
(COUGHING) Hey, uh, are you okay? I'll be honest.
You're not looking so hot these days, Phil.
Skittish.
Erratic.
Maybe we should get a bite to eat sometime.
Just the two of us, you know? Like it used to be.
- Mike, come on.
- Remember Vermont? (WHISPERS) We agreed to never talk about those times.
God dammit, Phil.
why censor ourselves when it feels so good? It was all pre-Green Day! It was a different life! It was two seasons ago! The dog park it was a prison.
But it was our prison, and Vermont our salvation.
Gah.
I mean, it's a good line, but - MIKE: Sounded good, huh? - I can't, okay? Not now.
I hope you'll at least think about it.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) (PHIL SHIVERS) It's freezing out here, dude.
Yeah, it is, dude.
You got the money? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it's all there.
Trust me.
It'll be worth it.
God, Frisbee, you are so scary.
(LAUGHS) Can I just I know you're a student and I'm a teacher, but like, I'm fucking freaked out by you, dude.
Yeah, I get that a lot, bro.
- PHIL: It's really cool.
- FRISBEE: Yeah, it's awesome.
Do you wanna hang out after this? - FRISBEE: No! - So sorry.
DOG: What's the password? New England Clam Chowder.
DOG: Is that the red or the white? Uhh white? (LOCK CLICKS) PHIL: Like Ace Ventura, right? - What? - Ace Ventura.
It's like that scene in Ace Ventura where he's going in Nah, I'm more of a Sandler man.
WATCH: I make-a the shoes! Enjoy.
Buh-bye, dude.
(SLAMS) (HESITANTLY) Um, I'm here for the, uh - Fill it out.
- Okay, thank you.
Meredith.
If I peepee Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock - (BURPS) Phil? - Yeah, hi.
- I'm Phil.
- Follow me.
(DOGS BARKING) (PHIL WHISPERS) What the fuck is this place? - (LAUGHING) - (PHIL GASPS) Right in here, wait for the experience to begin.
I can't I can't see any can you turn the lights on? I mean (LIGHTS HUMMING) Meredith? FEMALE (OVER SPEAKER): You're such a good boy, Phil.
It's me, Meredith, your owner.
Don't you like my brown hair? Oh! Oh, death - (LAUGHS) Meredith! - You hinder me - I missed you so much! - You decimate those dear to me Tease me with your sweet relief You are cruel, and you are constant Oh death - Oh - (BUZZER SOUNDS) FEMALE (ON SPEAKER): Okay, your time is up.
- Get out! Reset! - PHIL: What? No, no, no! But I'm not done! No! Let me in! Let me back in! Oh, okay.
I need more money.
I need more money! (PANTING) He's so in love, he think it's a spell There's to magic and he cannot tell He buckled my boohah, my pussy is spell a special guy a jail (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) So basically, just wait for the lipstick to come out, jump on, start hammering, and that's sex ed, all right? Any questions, guys? Uh, Mr.
McManus, this is a history class.
Look, Chi Chi, sweetheart.
I'm a gym teacher, all right? I got scrambled eggs for brains.
H, everybody! - It's me, Mr.
Phil, your teacher! - (DOG GASPS) Oh shit.
Newsflash! I need, um, actually more money for the field trip, so everybody empty out your wallets, empty out your little purses and whatever.
I need more money now! What happened to the money we gave you? Ooh, farts! Chi Chi, I spent all the money at the Quack Market, - and now I need more.
Okay, dum-dums? - (STUDENTS GASP) What are you looking at, McManus, you sand-for-brain mongrel? Now that was too far, Phil! The principal has briefed you on my issues.
You've seen my file.
You know damn well I have scrambled eggs for brains! - Aw, phooey! - That'll be enough, Mr.
Matarese! My office, now! - (STUDENTS WHISPERING) - So, I'm the bad guy, huh? (FARTS) The big bad wolf, huh? You're all useless.
- Especially you, McManus! - MIKE: All right.
Dress like a grown dog for once with your snap-offs! You're not a Spice Girl! It's better than wearing a Union Jack glittery dress like Ginger or a little crop top like Baby.
I'm a gym teacher.
What do you want from me? (APPLAUSE, CHEERS) RINGO: Doin' that damn thing! Are you so happy that you embarrassed me in front of the classroom? MIKE: Jesus Christ! You embarrassed yourself.
Look at you! You're drooling all over! That's 'cause I had a Sour Patch Kid on the way over here.
- MIKE: Good Lord.
- Let me ask you a question, Mike.
What's that? Why'd you get me this teaching gig, huh? 'Cause you're obsessed with me? Or because you felt bad for me? Oh, you're so perfect with your big beard and your cool sweaters.
Yeah, I got a question too.
Why you wearing a turtleneck huh? 'Cause it looks cool.
- Lemme see! - Get off! Let me see what's under the turtleneck! A spiked collar.
Take it off right now! That's it, Mike, tug harder! I like it, Mikey! Don't you see? (CRYING) I like it! (SOBS) I'm a piece of shit.
- (CLATTERS) - I'm a fucking piece of shit! - Get the fuck off me! - (CUFFS CLICK) Hey, hey, hold on, hold on, hold on.
You took from the pups, Philly, the pups we're here to help.
(SIGHS, SNIFFLES) (STUDENTS LAUGH) SAMMY: Hey, come on, smile, Mr.
Matarese.
I think before I can work on these kids, I gotta spend time working on me.
You'll have my resignation letter tomorrow.
I'm just gonna grab my things from the classroom if that's okay.
Of course.
Hey, Mike.
I was thinking about your offer.
I'd love to grab a bite to eat sometime if you'd still be open to it.
I'd like that.
So what are you getting, like a wrap? Oh my God, the paninis are so good at Au Bon Pain.
- PHIL: Dude.
- Have you had the I meant like in a month or something, after I go to rehab.
I didn't mean right now.
- (MIKE LAUGHS) That makes more sense.
- All right, I'll see you.
Okay.
I am definitely am gonna order something, though, Phil.
Sorry, I'm just saying.
Do you want anything to go? - PHIL: No, I'm good.
- MIKE: All right, just thought I'd ask.
- Tim, do you want anything? - Oh.
Thanks for including me.
- Yeah.
Do you want any anything? - TIM: Very nice.
Uh, yeah, I'll take some kind of rice bowl? - MIKE: Sure.
- TIM: I love Thai.
Oh my God, I could totally do Thai too.
- TIM: Right? - MIKE: Okay, let's do Thai.
- PHIL: Wait.
- MIKE: What's up? I mean, like, now that you're talking about Thai - MIKE: Let's do Thai! - PHIL: Let's do Thai.
- TIM: Let's do family style.
- PHIL: Yeah, family style.
Can you take these off of me? - TIM: Oh yeah.
- Am I under arrest? No, no, no, you're not I'm not any kind of a officer of any type.
- MIKE: You're - PHIL: Wait, hold on.
You're you're not an officer? I'm not a what do you mean? What's happening? - PHIL: So you're not a police officer? - MIKE: All right.
Oh no, I'm sorry.
- You have a badge! - I'm more of a security guard.
It's a whole different level of training.
How much training is it? - Not a whole lot.
I gotta be honest.
- PHIL: Not a whole - Mike saluted you on 9/11.
- I did.
I should've said something when that happened.
MIKE: Yeah.
Oh, and I was pretending to be a doctor a few days ago.
- I don't know if you guys noticed.
- Oh my God! - Tim, that was you? - Yes, I was the doctor.
That's gotta be illegal, Tim.
I shouldn't have done it, I know.
Let's just, uh let's get those rice bowls going.
- MIKE: Great! Let's do it.
- PHIL: Sure.
And because she had tearaway pants on, she was prepared for anything that life threw her way.
And that is why Sporty Spice is the Beyoncé of the Spice Girls.
- All right, back to sex! - (DOOR OPENS) Excuse me.
Hey, gang.
Sorry for interrupting, McManus, and I'm sorry about before.
Hey, it's all right.
I don't even remember what we were talking about anyway.
It's all Memento up here, except I only have one tattoo.
Do you know what this means? Man, it says, "I Heart Butts.
" - MCMANUS: Oh! - I just wanted to tell you guys, I'm not gonna be your teacher anymore.
You've all been great students, and I just I let you down.
Hey, Mr.
Matarese.
Oh, Chi Chi, raise your hand for fuck's sake.
- CHI CHI: Sorry.
- PHIL: Yes, Chi Chi? You never did finish your lesson about wolves.
Maybe another time, you know? Well, we finished it for you.
What's that? STUDENTS: Dogs, we're independent for a reason We're smart, proud K9s that can handle any season They say we're man's best friend, but forgot one fact That dogs are like wolves, and we need a pack (BEATBOXING) - (STUDENTS CHEER) - He's doing it! Go, Ringo, go! Go! - Go, Ringo! Go, Ringo! - (WHOOPS) - Go, Ringo! - RINGO: Mr.
Matarese! Dogs should be independent from owners, no question.
Mr.
Matarese, you forgot one thing.
Dogs are meant to roll in packs.
Dogs don't need humans anymore, but we do need each other.
- Back to the pack.
- STUDENTS: Adda-boom-bap! Okay, okay, now let me try.
The thing about being a dog that you Oh jeez! - (FARTS) - Oh no! My pants.
- (STUDENTS LAUGH) - CHI CHI: McManus! - PHIL: McManus! - CHI CHI: God, he's dumb.
PHIL: Oh, get in, everybody.
Get in here.
- CHI CHI: We love you, Mr.
Matarese.
- RINGO: Matarese.
What does this even mean? I, Linda, have never eaten here before.
All I need is a waiter.
Excuse me! Waiter! Um, is there a waiter nearby? Can I get a waiter over here, please? (CHUCKLES) (WHISPERS) Somebody step out as the waiter.
May I take your order? (CHEERING, LAUGHTER) (RINGO LAUGHS) "May I take your order?" It's stupid, Mr.
Matarese.
That's comedy! That's comedy! That happens in restaurants! NURSE: That's funny stuff! I'm not shitting, that's funny! Hey, it's me, the waiter.
Can I get you guys anything? (LAUGHS) Remember? Phil in the show? That was fucking hysterical! (LAUGHS) It's called improv.
And it's definitely a little scary, but it relies on your ability to trust your partners and those around you.
Oh, like the lesson from class! Like the wolf lesson, that's right.
We're a pack! GROUP: Adda-boom-bap! Yeah, yeah, sick.
Hey, uh, Phil, what's that there in your pasta? - (TINKS) - (GASPS) CHI CHI: It's a ring, bitch! FRISBEE: I guess some of you may know I used to sell collars, but since Mr.
Matarese over here - hooked me up with HODA - (CROWD CHEERS) I met God and she said, "You should be a minister.
" That's right, I said, "She.
" ALL: Whoa! So, the only collar I wear now is this one.
Anyway, you're married! - PHIL AND MIKE: We do.
- FRISBEE: Mazel tov.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - (CROWD CHEERING) CHI CHI: It's gonna get crazy in here! All right, everybody! I got 50 cotton swabs dipped in molly! - Who's up? Whoa! - FLUFFY: You crazy, girl.
I am hot for my Fluffy! I thought weddings were boring, but this is fun.
- That's right! God's a chick! - (CROWD CHEERS) Just around the curtained door No, it ain't no competition Just wait HUMAN MIKE: The girl dog in A Goofy Movie, she was a woman, she was a dog woman.
And honestly, she was She was a girl with a brown dot in the middle of her face.
She looked like a human with a brown dot in the middle of her face.
Pauly Shore was in that movie too.
He had Pluto.
That whole issue too, of them being dogs Pluto! Goofy, Pluto, where is the line? I've yup, I totally hear ya.
- He's asleep, wasn't he? - He might be asleep.
- That's interesting.
- Fucked up.
No, no, let's focus up on this, and let's let's go ahead and mull that over.
This paralyzing thunder in my life But I know it's not right to fall If you cannot find a reason There is always next season - Ooh yeah, we're getting - High tonight Motherfucking quack ducks gonna - Treat me right - Smack my ass