Baskets (2016) s03e02 Episode Script

1 DALE: Guess what.
Baskets Family Rodeo now owns three - beautiful stallions.
- [CAMERA CLICKS.]
- [NEIGHING.]
- [SCREAMING.]
- CHIP: Dale, come on, Dale! - Give the horse space! Give the horse space! They're crazy, man! They're crazy! [NEIGHING.]
You got swindled, Dale.
Okay.
Yeah, I got swindled.
From who?! Jim Jack Mahoney.
Jim Jack Mahoney? JJM ain't no good.
He can't be trusted.
- We've got to fix this.
- This is your fault! [SIGHS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[MAN IMITATES ANIMAL HOWLING.]
- [LAUGHTER.]
- I don't find that funny.
- Okay.
Now here we go.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- DALE: Quiet, cowboys.
- All right, welcome to the rodeo meeting.
First off, bathrooms.
Yeah, somebody graffitied the bathroom to say "Dale-do.
" I know what that is.
I know what a Dale-do is.
That's a play on words with my name, - and I do not appreciate it.
- Yes, don't do it.
- Don't sexualize my name, please.
- Don't do it.
Now, how are we gonna fix those crazy horses? Lady, we don't break horses.
We ride 'em.
- Yee-haw! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Well, what's the difference? - [LAUGHS.]
- What the hell, man?! - Chip, what's the deal? Okay, guys, listen, hear her out.
Mom's cool.
This is her first rodeo.
Go ahead, Mom.
Oh, thank you, Chip.
You're cool, too.
Okay, now, a round of compliments and resentments.
MAN: I can't cash this paycheck on account I ain't got no bank account.
Now our last boss, Eddie well, he paid me off in a little hooch and a little coochie.
- What the hell, man? - [LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, Eddie set up a direct deposit for me.
- Where is he anyway? - Who's this Eddie? - Um -[LAUGHTER, CHATTER.]
- Our boss he was the best.
Okay, I have an announcement to make.
Eddie is dead.
- ALL: What?! - Well, that is what we should assume because this is the Baskets Family Rodeo, not the Eddie Family Rodeo.
- That's right.
- MAN: Oh, hell, no, uh-uh! I'm out of here.
I'm gonna go home and iron my socks.
Hey, now, we're not finished with this meeting! - Baskets.
What a joke.
- Hello.
Hey.
Hey.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
That was a good meeting.
You know? But, Mom, we don't know what we're doing with this rodeo.
Let me get Eddie back.
Oh, I wanted this to be a family thing, our thing.
I know that, but you got to listen, I need to go find Eddie.
I'll bring him here.
He can break these horses in no time, all right? I just need to find him.
Please? [NEIGHING IN DISTANCE.]
Okay, go.
Get him.
Yeah, I love ponds.
What's the leech situation like out there? Uh-huh.
Right.
Um, hey, Craig, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna have to let you go.
My friend is staring at me.
- Hey, Chip.
- Hey, Martha.
I need you to drive me around so I can find Eddie.
Sure.
Where was he last seen? You can just leave work like that? Yeah.
Today's my day off.
I just came in to make long distance calls.
- Oh.
You know people out of state? - Yeah.
DALE: Mom, you're gonna want to hear this.
I'm getting ready to call that Jim Jack Mahoney, the guy that sold us those horseshit horses, and give him a piece of my mind, and read him the riot act.
Well, I think Chip is gonna get someone to break the horses.
Chip's supposed to be getting clowns, Mom.
Have you seen any bozo types, besides Chip himself, around here? I wouldn't count on it.
Well, okay, honey.
Do what you want.
Use my phone if you want.
I got a brand-new Look at this.
Do you love it? - It's hands-free.
- Okay, look at this.
I don't know the name of it, but it's very comfortable.
Never trust anyone with three names.
James Earl Ray.
- John Wilkes Booth.
- [CLEARS THROAT.]
[OVER PHONE.]
: This is Jim Jack.
Yes.
Is this Jim Jack Mahoney? Yes, this is Dale Everett Baskets calling from Baskets Family Rodeo.
Yeah, I want to let you know that you're messing with the wrong family when you sold us those shit horses.
Yeah.
[QUIETLY.]
: David Lee Roth.
Well, I mean, I hear what you're saying, but I Mm-hmm, I understand.
Thank you so much.
It's been a real pleasure.
[CHUCKLING SLIGHTLY.]
: Okay.
You, too.
Bye-bye.
Well, why don't you just talk to him face-to-face? Do you want me to go with you, honey? No.
I'll make you happy Hey, what can I get you this fine morning? We'd like to get some information.
Um, we're looking for a man named Eddie.
He's kind of a mumbly-mouthed guy, um, about this tall.
Never makes any sense.
Nah, I don't know him.
That's odd.
Eddie's always talking about this place.
I don't know why the bartender doesn't know him.
I think he does.
On Law & Order, bartenders are always being evasive for no reason.
Psst.
MARTHA: What? - Me? Her? - Is he? [WHISPERING.]
: The lady.
All right.
I think this might be a lead.
It's not a catcall.
Yeah, I know Eddie.
Used to come here all the time.
- I hear he's back in AA.
- Okay.
Wait.
Aren't you supposed to keep that a secret? I'm not in it.
I can say what I please.
Okay.
Uh, fair enough.
Could I compensate you for that information? I've got a couple of fives and some Certs.
WOMAN: I was out with co-workers, grabbing a couple beers after work.
Thought I could handle it.
Woke up the next morning with a quesadilla sitting on a plate in my bed that I do not remember making.
I could have burned the house down.
Eddie would have loved that story.
He loves quesadillas.
WOMAN: Thanks.
- Somebody must know something.
- What are you doing? - [QUIETLY.]
: Don't talk.
- Hi.
Okay.
Guys? Hi.
Um, yeah.
Hi.
I'm Martha.
I'm not an alcoholic, I'm pretty sure.
Um, I get a headache after two drinks.
Although I always have the two, so who knows? But, anyway, um, I'm here because our friend Eddie is missing, and he used to come to this meeting, so if any of you have seen Eddie from the rodeo, could you please, after the meeting, come and see me, Martha B, or, um, Chip Baskets, or Chip B.
Um, the "B" stands for something else.
Bye.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Um, I know Eddie.
Oh, you do? That's great.
That's great.
Yeah.
Last I heard, he told me that he was staying with a rich lady about an hour east of town.
Wow.
Results.
[LAUGHING.]
: Results.
[LAUGHING LOUDLY.]
Oh.
You have such a nice smile.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
So, um, out by the lake, there's that mansion up on the hill - that looks kind of like a castle? - Okay.
Yeah, I think I do know that area.
My boyfriend works out there.
Boyfriend? [LAUGHS.]
Well You could have mentioned that in your share.
Thank you for the information.
Why did you lie and tell that guy you had a boyfriend? - He was hitting on you.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
I know.
I wasn't lying.
I do have a boyfriend.
I have two, actually.
- I'm not one of 'em, right? - [DOOR CLOSES.]
What? He's a shepherd from the Basque region? In-in Bakersfield? Yeah, there's a big Basque community here, and I met him outside the feed store.
So I asked him out for coffee, and we're gonna go out when he gets back in town to shear his flock.
So you so you don't have a boyfriend? Well, I mean, it's in the early stages, but the signals I'm getting from him are pretty strong.
- What is he, a Wi-Fi spot? - Well, how do you know when you like somebody? Don't you just get a feeling? Sometimes it feels like excitement, um, mostly panic.
And that's kind of the problem with this shepherd.
He's very beautiful, and I don't trust that in a person.
So I'm kind of leaning more towards the cross-country trucker I met on my CB radio.
You have a CB radio? Yeah, it's an heirloom.
And you just talk to truckers that are passing through town on your CB? Well, it's just Now it's just one.
Maybe I like him 'cause it's not a challenge.
I don't even have to wear makeup when we hang out.
I just lie on the bed, and he sings to me over the radio.
I don't want to hear about your sex life, Martha.
Really? 'Cause it kind of seems like you do.
MRS.
BASKETS: Oh! Ken, it's such a beautiful gift! Bluetooth, huh? Well, I knew how much you liked mine, and I figured if there's anybody that needs to be hands-free and on the move, it's you.
[LAUGHING.]
: Oh, you got that right.
It never stops around here.
Now, all you have to do is touch it, and it'll answer.
- Okay? - Okay, I think I got it now.
- Okay, call me back.
- All right.
All right, now I'm gonna hang up now.
Okay.
See you in a sec.
Uh, hello.
Oh, hello.
The door was open, and I, uh But I'm Daniel Kwon.
I'm your neighbor from Awaken? - We're that church next door.
- Oh.
Awaken.
I've seen your sign! I love it! - I'm Christine Baskets.
- [PHONE RINGING.]
- Oh.
- Ow! God! So loud.
Technology.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, uh, here.
This is on behalf of the entire Awaken congregation.
Oh, you know, I've been thinking about going Paleo.
Oh, God, what a carrot, huh? What's up, Doc? [LAUGHS.]
You know the cartoon? Oh.
Bugs Bunny.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
Yes, it's-it's wonderful.
- Just wonderful.
- Yes, I love Bugs.
These are good.
This is quite a carrot.
It's just, um, those are meant to be for horses, but I mean, - however you want to - Oh, no.
I knew that.
I knew that.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- Oh.
I should Oh.
Hey, uh, you should get that.
But, uh, you come visit us at Awaken any time.
- All right? Any time.
- Okay.
Hi, Ken.
Sorry.
I got a carrot delivery.
Can you believe it? So what's the plan when we get there? There's no plan.
We're gonna knock on the door and take Eddie to fix the horses.
That's it.
Well, what if he's in love? You know, you should be prepared to have an argument that'll convince him how much you need him.
Well, maybe I'll just sing him a song over a CB radio.
It's very funny, Chip.
You know, I guess you just don't understand.
I'm trying to connect with people, and I really put myself out there on the airwaves.
Martha, this whole car ride, you have been telling me about your boyfriends that you've never even met.
I was married.
Are you talking about that French lady who didn't live with you or talk to you, with the brown hair? Yeah, at least I know that she exists, you know? God, okay, okay, sorry.
I'm sorry.
I-I I lost my temper.
- I'm sorry.
- No.
Look.
We're here.
CHIP: What a nice, dumpy castle.
[CROW CAWS.]
I think that crow is yelling at us.
What's he saying? Sorry, we don't have any seeds.
Keep your mouth shut! [DOORBELL RINGS.]
Who's there? CHIP: Yes, hi, uh, we were told that, uh, that someone named Eddie is here.
We're looking for Eddie.
Did you say you're friends of Eddie's? - Y-Yes, ma'am.
- Hmm.
Oh, come on in.
- Go ahead.
Go.
- [WOMAN LAUGHING.]
I'm Dottie.
I don't remember him mentioning anything about friends, but, you know Well, we're we're kind of more of his colleagues.
This is Eddie.
He's been riding for our family for years.
We call him Stretch, one of the best dressage riders - in California.
- Wow.
I'm sure he told you about it.
Oh, yeah, I mean, uh, well, Martha doesn't know anything, but I-I know that Eddie's good with horses.
Uh, that's actually why I'm here.
My family's rodeo is having some horse issues, and I was hoping that I could take Eddie with me to help out at my family's rodeo.
[LAUGHS.]
Now, let's see if we can find him.
- Let's go take a look.
- Okay.
Ah [CHUCKLING.]
Stretch? Where are you? I bet you're out by the well, huh? Okay.
Stretch! She's been gone a while, Martha.
I know.
It's kind of weird.
- [CROW CAWING.]
- [CHIP SIGHS.]
Why is that guy still yelling at us? [GUNSHOT.]
Ah, I got you.
- Down, down.
- Oh.
Ah, they've been eating my figs.
I guess that crow's not gonna be yelling at us anymore.
Well, I-I don't know what happened.
We looked everywhere.
I don't know where he is.
I all I know is I'm sure he's around here somewhere.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's me.
Little Dot from the Hires Root Beer ad.
Wow, you were a child actor? [LAUGHS.]
No.
Just a rich kid.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hires is my family's company.
Wow.
Would you like some wine? - Yes, very much.
- Oh, boy, I'll be right back.
I want some wine, too.
[LAUGHS.]
I like wine.
[DOTTIE CHUCKLING.]
Did she lock that? Eddie's not here.
Yeah, I gathered that, Chip.
CHIP: She probably turned that on, right? She probably does that for all of her ghosts guests, guests.
Okay, I'm sorry for losing my cool, but I'm freaking out.
Well, looks like we're stuck here now.
And the only person that knows that we're here is that guy from the AA meeting that you rebuffed.
Thanks for nothing.
That was a time you could've used your body, you know, for detective work.
Oh, cool wait, we're gonna be detectives? It's like a voice in my head.
It's like you're right there and my hands are free.
Oh, what a great invention, the Bluetooth.
Now, listen, Ken, I'm going to, uh, try and feed these nutty horses.
- [OVER BLUETOOTH.]
: All right.
- All right? So if anything happens or if you hear a [IMITATES HORSE.]
or whatever it is, I'm telling you, call Bakersfield 911.
I'm telling you no, I'm just kidding.
Well, I'm a little nervous.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
I think this one's name is Kitty.
Hey, Kitty.
- Aah! - [HORSE NEIGHS.]
Aah, aah, they're crazy! [PANTING.]
- Are you okay? - Oh, God, he tried to kill me.
Yup, I can't pick this kind of lock.
If worse comes to worse, we can eat some of that popcorn from the Dust Bowl.
Chip, here's the thing: we don't have any reception, we can't get out of this room, and in about ten minutes I'm gonna start screaming and I won't be able to stop.
[SIGHS.]
Well, what about your reception? You know, with those signals that you were talking about? Well, um, I think there's a really good chance she's got other people locked up in other rooms of this house.
Maybe some hitchhikers or a kid trying to sell magazines door-to-door.
Howdy, kids.
Jesus.
Eddie, hey.
- How are you? - Been a while.
Listen, you got to get us out of here.
This old lady's crazy.
Dottie? [LAUGHS.]
Dottie's just a happy bundle of fun.
She's just afraid you're gonna take me away from her.
Isn't that right, Dottie? - [DOTTIE LAUGHING.]
- Jesus.
Hi, Dottie.
I'm afraid our friends from the city are going to be disappointed.
How about you and I just show 'em a good time and send them on their way? Absolutely, partner, I'm all for it.
Let's do it.
- Go.
- I'll get the fondue set.
Thank you for another delicious dinner, dear.
Ah, to my prince in a white castle.
I would love for you to come and help us with these horses, please.
Well, this old lady here, she's been awful good to me.
Remember Betty Boop? And this, uh, mansion living, it's kind of fun.
- I like it.
- Yeah.
I expect maybe I could fix your horses, though.
- Okay.
- DOTTIE: Leaving? Are you leaving me, Stretch? Oh, Dottie, no.
I'm not leaving you.
Why, this is my home.
This is where I grew up.
Grew from a boy breaking horses into a man breaking hearts.
Oh, Stretch.
What would I do without you? - Mm.
- [CAR HORN HONKING.]
Dottie, I think I hear your boys outside.
- Oh, shit! - MAN [MUFFLED.]
: Open this door.
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Her kids are crazy.
They think I'm stealing from her.
Coming over here to kill us both and claim I did it.
Okay, look, Eddie, if you need me to help you fight them, - I-I-I will, but I-I don't - Oh, God, no, they're huge.
And besides, I don't even know this woman.
Wait, what? What, do you think that was me in them pictures? Don't be stupid.
I was a cook in Korea.
You're Korean? No, he's saying that he's been impersonating a stable boy.
- DOTTIE: Leave us alone.
- You've been impersonating her - her stable boy? - [GLASS BREAKING.]
- DOTTIE: What the hell are you doing? - Got to go.
- Go, go.
- Oh, God.
Wait, where are we, where are we going? Stretch! You're not leaving me, are you? Dottie, you're the best.
I got to go.
[CRYING.]
: Oh, Stretch, oh! EDDIE: I knew I wouldn't have long there.
They'd either call the cops on me or have her committed.
I figured we may as well have as good a time as we had while we could.
I love a feel-good story about, you know, senile women and squatting.
You want to be in the rodeo business, Baskets? There's one thing you got to know first.
Don't do business with Jim Jack Mahoney.
That's good advice.
Martha, you should write this down.
- Oh.
- You have a pen in here? What? Well, I hope this isn't a bathroom break.
I was hoping to get a frappuccino at the same time.
Well, there's an outdoor couch you can urinate on.
Chip, he's pulling a gun out of his pants.
I see that, Martha.
Well, I tell you this, pal, I'm not gonna leave empty-handed.
I'm not gonna take one of your used toothbrushes or anything.
I'm gonna take something of value.
Well, all sales are final.
[DOOR CREAKS OPEN.]
Hello, Eddie.
Jim Jack.
May I make a request? We leave the flat screen out of this.
It smells like urine in here already.
Do you pee in this car? [GUNSHOTS.]
Now we're even, Jim Jack Mahoney! Mother trucker! [ENGINE STARTS, DALE WHOOPS.]
Chip, did you see that? What, Dale? No, it was I think that's a smart TV.
All right, Jim Jack Mahoney feels bad about that string of shithead horses now 'cause I shot his home all up.
I'll see you folks back at the rodeo.
- Okay.
Thanks, Eddie.
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
MARTHA: I can't believe we made it out there alive.
I thought I was gonna meet my maker.
And I'm stronger for it.
Just wish I had had some of that popcorn, you know? Man, the air sure is clear out here.
What are you doing? What, you got to pee alfresco or something? No.
See that hill over there? - Yeah.
- That shepherd I told you about, he works in the field right over the hill.
Huh.
- No, this is dumb.
- What? You want to talk to him? - Go talk to him.
- No.
No, you were right.
He's not my boyfriend.
He probably doesn't even remember me.
Martha [STAMMERS, SIGHS.]
look, I'm wrong.
I-I You should listen to your signals.
I'm not good at picking up on those things.
You're good at it.
And, by the way, you're very memorable, very.
- Really? - Yeah, you have a green cast.
I mean, people remember that kind of stuff.
Plus you have a you have a sweetness to you.
- Well okay.
- Go.
- Thanks, Chip.
All right.
- Go live your life.
I will give it a shot.
[SIGHS.]
[CROW CAWING.]