Batman (1966) s03e02 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
Night, the cloak for sinners, draws its dark folds over Gotham City where the Riddler hides out in a little-used gymnasium.
Me? Throw the biggest fight of my career tonight? - In Gotham Square Garden? I won't do it.
- Ah? Oh, yeah.
- I won't go into the ring if the fight's fixed.
-Yes, you Will, Kid Gulliver.
Yes, you will.
Ha, ha.
I have a riddle for you.
What do many boats, shovels, laundries, whistles and hot showers have in common? Steam.
Put him in the steam room and shrink him down to size.
After Kid Gulliver, what, Riddler? Get rid of every other top prizefighter in town, Betsy, that's what.
Plus that contemptible crime-fighter, Batman then control all the prizefighting in Gotham City once and for all and everywhere else.
That's a big order.
How are you gonna do it? With an ace I have up my sleeve, and what an ace.
But for starters when is the top of a mountain like a savings account? Go on, Riddler.
When it piques one's interest.
Kid Gulliver? Down for the count in the third? It's hard to believe, Bruce.
As chairman of Gotham City Boxing Commission I'm gonna call an emergency meeting.
It looks like undesirable elements have once again infiltrated the manly art of self-defense.
NARRATOR".
And making off with the box office receipts.
Riddle me this.
When does a painter use a trigger instead of a brush? When he's a stickup artist.
- I'd like two seats for tomorrow's-- -That box, it's blinking.
Help! Police! Help! And you caught no glimpse of the robbers, Batgirl? No.
I heard the cashier scream, called Commissioner Gordon's office and brought this box directly here.
It's lucky you were in the vicinity of Gotham Square Garden.
Yes.
Luck is an important weapon to a woman crime-fighter, Batman.
Ah.
As I suspected.
This little blinking device is merely an added touch to pique our curiosity.
Sounds like a trick of Riddler's.
Indeed.
He's back.
What's in the box? Apparently, just some metal filings.
And this note.
"Who rules the ring? No prince, king or raja.
Look for a clue on the walls of Khafajah.
" Ah.
Riddler, indeed.
Returned to tease, taunt, and torment us again.
"Look for a clue on the walls of Khafajah.
" What could he mean this time, Batman? Khafajah was a famous temple in what was the land of Mesopotamia, Robin.
My daughter, Barbara, studied the history of Southwestern Asia in college, Batman.
Perhaps if I called her, she could be of some-- What, uh? What happened to Batgirl? - Begorra, she's gone.
- Into thin air.
Her particular brand of vanishing cream another weapon in her arsenal.
Commissioner Gordon.
Yes? He what? Well, Batman's right here.
I'll tell him at once.
That was the boxing commissioner.
He was-- He was calling about Kid Gulliver, who's vanished.
Disappeared completely while his seconds were carrying him down to his dressing room.
That shot I gave him won't wear off for a week.
- What was in that shot, boss? -A little riddle juice, Kayo.
Gentlemen, if we had our choice of laps to sit on right now, which would we choose? Laps? To sit on? Kid Gulliver's temporary lapse of memory.
Take him away.
Here are the burnooses, Riddler.
And my latest news break.
"Mushy Nebuchadnezzer unchallenged champion of Southwestern Asia's boxing world arrived in Gotham City tonight.
Ready and willing to take on any and all comers.
" Mushy Nebuchadnezzer? Stroke of your usual feminine genius, Betsy.
Well, then slip into your burnoose, Riddler because Mushy Nebuchadnezzer is going to appear on my midnight sports telecast.
Sorry to bother you at this time of night, Miss Gordon.
We would've entered the building by more conventional means but we didn't wanna startle the tenants.
-Oh, I understand.
I was expecting you.
- Oh? -My father called.
Won't you come in? - Thank you.
-You want to know about the famous temple of Khafajah? -Yes.
As I recall, some strange scrollwork was found on the walls of that temple indicating men used fists to fight long before the supposed beginnings of boxing in ancient Rome and Greece.
Holy hieroglyphics.
How would the Riddler know that, Batman? The mind of a criminal like Riddler's is a sponge which soaks up many strange facts, Robin.
Riddler is an old archenemy of ours, Miss Gordon returned to try to outwit us and bilk the good citizens of Gotham City.
That riddle he sent us, perhaps we should examine it again.
"Who rules the ring? No prince, king or raja.
" Could he mean the prizefighting ring? We should've thought of that ourselves.
Up until tonight, Kid Gulliver was the champ.
- Perhaps Riddler himself is trying to take over.
-That punctuated pipsqueak? Barbara.
Barbara, it's I.
It's my father.
Well, tonight seems to be my night for gentlemen callers.
I was walking home, took a chance the Caped Crusader would be here.
Kid Gulliver's been found, Batman.
Outside Gotham Square Garden but he remembers nothing.
Uh, an injection of some drug seems to have affected his memory.
Then it will do us no good to talk to Kid Gulliver.
We might take a look at Gotham Square Garden.
Maybe we'll find something.
Thank you, Miss Gordon.
You've been great help.
Batman.
It's little enough to do for so courageous a crime-fighter.
I thought I'd catch the last of Betsy Boldface's midnight sports telecast.
Betsy Boldface seems to have quite a hold over you.
She's as good as any man would be on that job.
- Mushy Nebuchadnezzer.
-Yes.
Southwestern Asia's unchallenged champion and also one of the most colorful prizefighters in the world.
For instance, Mushy, tell us, just what do you eat? Tamarisk berries, bulbul bird eggs and licorice.
But, uh, only licorice native to my country.
BETSY".
What liquids do you drink? Just, uh, camel grass juice.
What else? Enough of that.
He sounds like Southwestern Asia's unchallenged nut.
NARRATOR".
While in the box office of Gotham Square Garden We saw your car parked outside.
Commissioner Gordon said that you might be here looking around.
All you all right, chief? What car? Who's Commissioner Gordon? Riddle me this, Dynamic Dullheads.
What have the following in common? Hemming, basting, purling and tacking? Holy blackout.
A unique trick of Riddler's.
Now you see him, now you don't.
He's gotta be someplace in this building.
Unfortunately, we don't have time to go after him.
Chief O'Hara needs help and quickly.
Hemming and purling, basting and tacking are all words related to needlework.
You think they gave Chief O'Hara the same injection as they gave Kid Gulliver? I'll take Chief O'Hara down to headquarters.
You follow in the Batmobile.
Come, come, chief.
You know something, Charlie all I could see under that burnoose was Mushy Nebuchadnezzer's chin and it didn't look much like a Southwestern Asiatic chin to this student of history.
And there's something about that Betsy Boldface.
I'm afraid Batman and Robin are headed for more than just Gotham Square Garden.
Maybe Batgirl should investigate the local source of tamarisk berries bulbul bird eggs, licorice, and camel grass juice.
NARRATOR".
So it's across her bedroom in a flash to the secret Batgirl nook where Barbara Gordon makes her dazzling change to Batgirl.
And into action on her Batgirl Cycle.
And shortly, back in Riddler's little-used gymnasium.
I've picked up more than Mushy Nebuchadnezzer's tamarisk berries - Tamarisk? -and bulbul bird eggs - Bulbul? -and licorice and camel grass juice at an Asiatic delicatessen.
-Ah.
- Riddler, Batgirl is on my trail.
-Batgirl? Yes, Batgirl.
I saw your phony broadcast tonight, Riddler.
Masquerading as Mushy Nebuchadnezzer.
What's your scheme? - What do you have up your sleeve this time? -Up my sleeve, Batgirl? Riddle me once.
What's most alluring, when it's lowest or highest? When it's in the air or in a hole? When it's served you, yet you can't touch it? An enchanting ace.
Put these earmuffs on.
Siren, let her have one of your most stunning notes.
What happened? It didn't work.
It didn't work.
Well, I've never tried my note two octaves above high C on a woman before.
- And she won't try it again.
-Get her.
Good.
Now, toss her into the steam room as you did Kid Gulliver.
Batgirls wilt just as quickly as other women.
Ha, ha.
Like a dream.
It worked just like a dream, Betsy.
I thought my broadcast would put the Dynamic Decimal Points on your track.
But Batgirl will work just as well.
Even though Siren's stunning note didn't work on her.
But it didn't work on me, either.
I didn't have the earmuffs on.
Well, it's never failed to put men under my spell, Riddler.
And at my command.
Well, then men, you shall have.
Three.
Top prizefighters in the country waiting outside right now to be dazed by your dazzling decibel.
And with them in my power and Batman KO'd once and for all I shall rule the ring.
This is Jerry Quarry, Mushy.
A contender for the heavyweight title.
Oh, yes.
Jerry, contend with this.
All right, Riddler, they're under my spell.
They'll obey any order now.
Good.
Take them into the steam room.
And turn the heat up and find out how Batgirl is doing.
Now.
Now, to put Batman under my spell.
I too have plans for Batman.
- And Commissioner Gordon.
-A good parlay.
A good parlay.
Thank you, Siren, from the bottom of my burnoose.
- Batgirl's gone, boss.
-Gone? Gone? - Gone.
-No! - Somehow, she got out.
-No, no, no.
- She must've went up a vent.
-No, no, no.
- Would you like a shot of camel grass juice? -No! No, no.
Oh, what's looser than a thread, a fish, flying ribbons? A woman's tongue.
Possibly Batgirl's.
I've got to get on some provocative riddles if I'm going to coax Batman into the ring with Mushy Nebuchadnezzer.
NARRATOR".
The next morning, Batman and Robin reply to a summons on the red phone.
I have called Batman, Barbara.
But I called you too because I needed someone to talk to until he arrived.
Oh, I know you'll be late at the library but with Chief O'Hara still in a state of amnesia, I'm lost.
That's all, just lost.
The whole city is aroused over Kid Gulliver's condition.
Plus, the strange disappearances of three of the contenders and I'm snowed under with riddles sent here to this office in care of Batman.
Listen to this nonsense.
"What do bells, curtains, twins and hair have in common?" Ha, ha.
That's easy, Daddy.
- Easy? -Something like his riddle of last night: "Who rules the ring?" Uh, ring? Bells ring out.
Curtains ring down.
Twins are perfect ringers.
- And hair often comes in ringlets.
-Well, smart girl.
Yes.
All right, then let's see you get this one.
Ahem.
"Any aggressor should beware his successor.
" Well, it isn't a very good rhyme, but it must have something to do with Nebuchadnezzer.
So he's still taunting Batman, eh? "Aggressor, successor.
" Ah.
Sounds like a challenge to me.
- Challenge? -Yes, Batman.
To meet Mushy in the ring.
Commissioner Gordon.
Yes, he's right here.
This call's for you too.
- Hello? -Riddle me this, Batman.
What are the chilliest 12 inches in the world? It's the Riddler.
The chilliest 12 inches in the world? Cold feet.
Excellent.
What suit of cards lays eggs? One that's chickenhearted.
Now, listen to this, Riddler.
- Sticks and stones may break my bones-- -Now, you “stem to me, Batman.
My line is plugged into radio station GTCR.
That means that all of Gotham City has heard you called, ha, ha, a coward.
That's it, commissioner.
Regardless of who Mushy Nebuchadnezzer may be or what Riddler is up to, regardless of private or public image one thing I cannot abide is being called a coward.
You may inform all the news media that I will meet the champion of Southwestern Asia in Gotham Square Garden tonight.
Phil, take over for a minute.
I'll be right back.
You make an excellent second second, Alfred.
I trust no one will penetrate my disguise, sir.
- But I think perhaps you'd better call me Gus.
-Gus.
Holy missing relatives.
Look who's sitting down behind Commissioner Gordon.
Mrs.
Cooper, how nice to see you.
My daughter, Barbara.
- Your daughter? How do you do, my dear? -Hello.
Oh, commissioner, I've been such a wanderer.
I just got back from the New Hebrides this evening.
I didn't want to let the boys know.
I wanted to surprise them.
And there was nobody home, not even Alfred.
And then I heard that Batman was fighting this Mushy Nebuchadwhosis-- -Ha, ha.
And you know me.
I love a fight.
As I thought, it's Riddler.
This is ridiculous.
He's smaller than you are.
Okay, fellas.
I want a good, clean fight.
Touch gloves.
Batman, what eats crow, yells uncle, and tosses sponges? - A loser.
And I'm not a loser, Riddler.
-Oh? Spritz him, Riddler, with the metal filings in your gloves.
- Betsy's under the ring with a magnet.
-Go on, get him.
- Stick it out, stick it out.
-Finish him off, come on.
Wait, wait, wait.
What--? Holy sudden incapacitation.
Yes.
The drawing power of this fight seems to have concentrated beneath the ring.
Aw, ha, ha.
Ha-ha-ha! Mother Machree, what's happening? Batman's feet seem to be magnetized to the canvas.
Excuse me, I have something in my eye.
NARRATOR".
Through a door, as Barbara Gordon and seconds later, making her startling reappearance as Batgirl.
- Batgirl.
-Yes, Betsy Boldface.
We meet again.
Ladies and gentlemen, riddle me this.
When is a prizefight like a beautiful lady? Answer: when it's a knockout.
Something went wrong.
Let's get out of here.
- What happened to you? -She happened to me.
Get her.
Batman's on our tail.
Let's get out through the steam room.
- Any final riddles, Riddler? -Yes.
What do you throw away that keeps returning? A boomerang.
Correct.
And I'm a boomerang.
And I shall be back.
Well, that winds that up, fellow crime-fighters.
Thanks to Batgir-- - She's gone.
-Yes, but this time I saw where she went.
Through that transom.
And her Batgirl Cycle's parked in the back alley.
Let's follow her.
Let's find out who she is.
No, no, old churn.
Let us respect her disguise as she respects ours.
- I guess you're right.
-Some camel grass juice, sir? Gosh, Batman, this camel grass juice is great.
Beware of strong stimulants, Robin.
- Yes, Bonnie.
- There's a Miss Circe out here to see you, commissioner.
Lorelei Circe.
Circe? Circe.
Name doesn't ring a bell, but send her in.
Miss Circe, what can I do for you? It's what I can do for you, commissioner, that really counts.
NARRATOR".
Will the Siren succeed in the plan she has for Batman and Commissioner Gordon? Will her purring parlay pay off? Watch for the stunning surprise on the next episode.