Big Mouth (2017) s03e02 Episode Script

1 - Previously on Big Mouth season two, baby! - [SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
- Boobs! - Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs! Why is everybody so obsessed with boobs? Your chest is concave.
It's like a spoon.
My mom says I'm going to develop in my own time.
- Hah! You fell for that? - Holy heck! My girl's parents are going through a dee-vorce! I am so tired of feeling bad.
I've got it from here, love.
Not the Depression Kitty! Let go of everything.
- [PURRING.]
- This feels so nice.
[YELPS.]
Who are you? Who am I? The Shame Wizard! Oh.
- Slut, Nicky, dick boy, filthy perv - [YELLING.]
- Leave us alone! - You truly believe - you'd be better off without me? - Oh, we know - we'd be better off without you.
- Oh! A world without shame, baby! [FIRE ALARM BLARES.]
Steve, you are fired.
It's gonna be weird not to be Coach Steve any more.
[CHUCKLES.]
I guess now I'm just Coach.
God! I love fucking you both.
But in such different ways! I just need some time to figure out who I am.
I'm the only out kid in the school.
- That's terrifying.
- I know.
Holy shit, I think we've got one.
- Bye! - Bye! I need a new hormone monster, and this time, I want someone good.
[RATTLING.]
Hello, my tasty little tortellini.
- Connie? - Baby, you are in very good hands.
Your own! [GROANS.]
- I know you like me, okay? - Of course! So why don't you know that you like me? - Aah, Andrew, you're freaking me out! - Well, Missy What happened there, cowboy? Can't you see what's going on here? He's trying to steal you from me! - I bet he can walk! - Stop it! - [GRUNTING.]
- [ALL GASP.]
- Are you okay? - Jeez Louise, the optics on this.
[YELLING.]
[GRUNTING.]
[CHEERING.]
- Missy! - Missy! - Jesus.
- That is some weird-ass toxic max-culinity.
All right! You're all caught up! Get ready for season three, baby! What are you gonna do? [BIRDSONG.]
[CELLO MUSIC.]
"A Chode to Spring" by Maurice Beverley.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Behold the sun, the fiery anus of the sky Melting away the woolen clothes of winter Exposing skin, sweet flesh A budding side-boob A peek of midriff and legs, legs, legs Lean haunches Squatting low beside a bike rack Revealing a butt crack Oh, glorious spring, a rebirth! A fresh start for everyone Except you, Andrew Glouberman.
Ugh.
Do you think everyone remembers? - [GRUNTS.]
- Oh, my goodness, Lars! They do now.
- [GROANS.]
- I told you he needed that chair.
Yes, obviously.
In retrospect, he needed the wheelchair.
I think.
Andrew, I made you a doghouse.
Get in, you bald bitch.
I thought you said it was growing in nicely? Look, I think you're gorgeous.
Uh, everyone, I have a brief statement.
These past two weeks have been a difficult, but very necessary, learning experience for me.
And frankly, I'm ready to rejoin the middle school community and pretend that none of this ever happened.
Can you believe this guy? Just waltzing in here like nothing happened? It just makes me so, so It's okay, Missy, he's not worth our energy.
You're right, I just need to cool down and go to my happy place.
[EXHALES.]
Oh, Missy, this is the life.
Indeed, Nathan Fillion.
There's nothing more gratifying than flying through the cosmos, spreading peace and understanding.
Yes, if only our space janitor was doing his job.
You know what, folks, it's not that easy flinging shit out of the window by hand.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, please.
Monkeys do it every day.
Oh, Nathan, your wit is only matched by your fat package.
[SIGHS.]
Fat package.
I feel better now.
What does Lars have that I don't? Well, for starters, a full head of hair.
You look like a coconut that fell into a campfire.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- Andrew! Focus up! We're supposed to be making a shit-sucking birdhouse! Why is he so angry? Well, because Jay has quit masturbating for a currently unknown, but, I'm sure, very fucked-up reason.
It's definitely not because I banged a male couch cushion, and now my dick is confused about who she wants to fuck! Hold on.
You think your dick is a woman? Yeah! I'm not gay, dude.
So you're not gonna jerk off at all? - You're just going cold turkey? - Cold turkey? If I was gonna fuck a turkey, I would warm it up, like a goddamn gentleman! I bet you 20 bucks, by the end of this episode, that boy's gonna bone a turkey.
Oh, man, gulp-a-roni! Look at all that exposed skin.
Hey, Jay, why don't you baste me? Gobble, gobble.
Hey, bro, what about me? I wanna get stuffed too.
Ohhh! - Look at that crispy, buttery skin.
- What? - [JAY GROANS.]
- [ANDREW SCREAMS.]
- My favorite finger! [YELPS.]
- [ALL GASPING.]
- [CLASS CLAMORING.]
- Oh, my God! Andrew just fingered me.
[YELLING.]
Fuck! I'm goin' through changes I'm goin' through changes Oh, in my life Oh, ooh, ooh [MARTY.]
Oh, please.
Your barbaric boy maimed my idiot son.
And the trials of Andrew Glouberman continue.
- You're gonna pay for this, Guy.
- I'm not paying for shit.
It's not Jay's fault, he was distracted.
These girls are dressed like whores.
And the guys are dressed like straight-up hunks.
- What the hell are you talking about? - Myself.
I'm a hunk.
And if that makes me gay, then I should probably just go and what? I don't know, jerk off? Sh-Should I? Is that a nod? Couldn't we have done separate meetings? My name is Jay's Mom and I'm an alcoholic.
I'm not payin' for this crazy woman's bullshit rehab.
Stop quoting my legendary law commercials.
Look, folks, I have 49 days until retirement.
And? That's it.
That's my take on this clothing issue.
I hear you all, I really do.
As Dean of Student Life, I think I have a solution.
- [FEEDBACK WHISTLES.]
- Okay, let's dialogue.
So, we all agree there's a lot of toxic masculinity at this school, right? - Yeah, the other day I was - Hey, Jessi.
Now's the time to listen, okay? Now, clearly, the male students can't control themselves.
They're animals, - that's not their fault.
- What? So, to protect our strong, empowered women from the white-hot male gaze Oh! More like white-hot male glaze.
[GROANS.]
My balls are about to shit.
we'll be implementing a dress code.
- Dress code? What? - Oh, what? Ah, come on! Why don't you just teach the boys some impulse control? Well, that seems hard.
Now, to show you what students can no longer wear, here is Lola Skumpy.
Lola? Now, all you fuckwads who say I'm not a model can munch my brunch hole.
No leggings, jeggings, short skirts, short shorts, tank tops, crop tops, halter tops or tramp stamps.
'Cause this is my money maker and you don't get a receipt.
Um Okay.
I'm sorry, but those are all girl clothes.
Apology accepted, Missy, but you know what? Why don't you stand up? - Uh - Now everybody look at Missy.
There's absolutely nothing provocative about her clothing.
The way she's dressed, she could be a boy, or a girl, or a Minion - from the Despicable Me franchise.
- What? Some of you sexy girls should be more like Missy.
Oh, God, my happy place.
[SIGHS.]
That's better.
Captain, since you're such a nice space girl, I want you to transport a dangerous prisoner, the most shrill and unhinged young woman in the galaxy.
You got that right.
What's up, mother truckers? Oh, no! It's my angry psycho clone, Mirror Missy.
I'm a bad B with a big itch, and I'm gonna scratch your eyes out and finger fudge the holes.
- Ooh.
She's unpleasant.
- Why is she so scary? Men are threatened by women who don't shy away from conflict.
I'm sorry, Commander, but we cannot transport this prisoner.
This is a peaceful ship.
[MIRROR MISSY.]
More like a piece of shit! Andrew's holding a piece of shit.
Well, I'd rather have a piece of shit than a fat package.
- Really? - No.
Captain, you serve at the pleasure of the Federation.
Be a sweetheart and do as you're told, sweetheart.
Um Okay.
And so, in summary, great job, Missy.
Way to dress like a unisex toddler.
- Thank you? - You're welcome.
Missy, you did not just thank him.
Yeah, I heard it, I don't know why I just did that.
Hey, Lizer, would you like to speak to how this dress code will affect the boys? Oh, shut up.
Thank you, Jessi, I was just gonna get to that.
The boys are not allowed to wear T-shirts with curse words or luchador masks.
I feel personally targeted.
Ugh! Lizer's infuriating.
That fake feminist motherfucker! Let's burn his Chevy Volt.
Why are you so angry? You don't even wear those clothes.
Yeah, she always wears red pants and a purple shirt.
Nick, that's not the point.
It's the whole sexist, "You're asking for it in that short skirt" thing.
It's called rape culture.
Whoa-oh-oh! Oh-ho! Droppin' the R word over here.
Jessi, I admire your passion, but I think we should all just calm down.
No! The girls should not be punished because the boys won't control themselves.
We can't control ourselves, Jessi! You heard Lizer.
Boys are animals, full of cum and fury.
Is that true? Are we animals? - Is that why I freaked out on Lars? - Yeah, you're animals.
I mean, have you seen the boys' bathroom? It's like the toilet's a suggestion.
Hey, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think Jay is right.
- What? - Fuck, yeah! Jay's never been right.
Well I do feel out of control all the time and I think I'm gonna use that as an excuse for my actions.
No.
Because that's That just means that you can just do whatever you want and cut off fingers and pull wheelchairs out of people.
- Missy, you sound crazy right now.
- Oh.
Just jerk yourself off and get your shit together! I'm gonna blast you out of the universe, you science lesbo.
Missy, we can't take another hit.
We should surrender, he's a mad man.
Fire back! Right in the crack! But he's so loud and confident, I can't even think.
So don't, dork, just blast his butt wide open! No, Missy! Your non-confrontational nature is one of the things I find most attractive about you.
Okay, yeah.
Uh evasive maneuvers! Retreat, retreat! Whatever, never mind.
I mean, I love science! And if I were a lesbian, that would be fine! What? Oh! Hah! Did you guys see me win that conversation? She walked away making flustered noises.
You guys are all such pigs.
Yeah, y'all are raw, dirty pigs, filled with trichinosis and worms! Me? Hold on.
Jessi, what did I do? Yeah, what did he do? He just stood there and said nothin' Oh.
You just stood there and said nothin'! Like Billy Bush! I miss him on Extra! It's the first day of the dress code at Bridgeton Middle, and things are already super weird.
- Uh Too short over here.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Ugh.
You'll be wearing the Grimace costume today.
That's right, folks, the offending girls have to wear the excess wardrobe from the fall play, The Ronald McDonalogues.
Ba-da-da-da-daaa I'm really enjoying this.
Excuse my French, but isn't this a little bit bogus? Yeah! I can't believe he made me the Hamburglar! Even though I do steal burgers from McDonald's.
Rubble, rubble.
It is bananas that we have to dress up like fast-food mascots or get sent home.
Ugh, this costume is ridiculous, - I'm gonna have to get naked to shit.
- Uh Yes, I'm an attractive woman and I shit.
Devin, she's just like us.
You know what, we should all just wear our sluttiest outfits tomorrow.
That's actually not a bad idea.
It could be like a form of protest.
Yeah, protests are cool now.
Hold on.
Are you suggesting, like, an Amber Rose Slut Walk? Ooh! I love that.
Um "Do we really wanna call ourselves the S-word?" is the question.
All right, pitching What about, "A bunch of skanks walking the plank?" Yeah, let's be sexy pirates with peg legs made of dildos.
Let's just stick with Slut Walk.
We're gonna take back that word.
I'm Captain Jack-off My Sparrow, I loves red wine and scarves.
Bwark! Free the nipple.
Um Mom, do you have any sexy clothes? Mm, I have a corduroy photographer's vest that won't unzip.
- Is that what you mean? - I don't think so.
Why do you ask, firefly? Well, um, all of the girls are wearing sexy clothes tomorrow, - to protest the dress code - Protest? That's important work.
Do you want some bras to burn? That's the only reason I have them.
But don't give them all away.
I use one of them to gather radishes.
Huh.
Okay, I'm not sure I actually feel comfortable dressing provocatively.
Well, it's your choice how to dress.
That's the whole point of the protest.
I can just wear my overalls? - Of course you can.
- Oh, thank goodness! And just to be clear, I put the radishes in the bra.
- I don't wear the bra.
- Okay, Dad.
Great, just as long as we're on the same page about the radish bra.
- Do I wear it? - No! And then Jessi called us pigs, and none of it was my fault.
Well, did you speak up on behalf of the girls? What? No, why would I do that? Because your dumbass, misogynist friends might listen to you.
Yeah, but I don't wanna be the guy that tells other guys - they're being misogynistic.
- Well, why not? - Because they'll call him a pussy.
- Thank you, Judd.
Since when did being called a beautiful genital - become an insult? - [GROANS.]
I must have missed that lesson at Man University.
You guys don't understand the politics of childhood.
Nicky, the girls are going through something right now, and you can either be an ally, or an asshole, like Judd.
I'm a gaping asshole.
Respect my truth.
Well, if you're a pussy and you're a gaping asshole, then I must be the world's luckiest taint.
[GIGGLES.]
Mm! [DOG BARKING.]
Whoa.
Um What are you wearing, Jessi Bear? We're protesting the dress code.
That's great, but that's a lot of skin.
Are you saying that my body's not my own? - Of course not.
- That I don't know what I'm doing and that I'm objectifying myself and maybe this is a terrible idea and I should just I think you look really powerful, Jessi.
- Oh.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
Thank you, Dina.
Oh, shit! Cantor Dina likes it? Is this whole thing a mistake? I don't know, but we're in too deep.
I already got a tramp stamp.
It says "Slut Walk," right? Um Ladies and gentlemen, mesdames and monsieurs, bienvenue! The filthy tweenage girls of Bridgeton Middle present, "The Slut Walk.
" Sluts - Come on, girls - Ooh Don't need the man up in our business Don't need permission or forgiveness We're gonna strut and stride You'd better step aside - For the slut walk - Slut walk There ain't no jive in our gyration Prepare to submit to Slut Nation We're gonna show some skin The revolution will begin - With the slut walk - Slut walk You're fired up and filthy And we like it a lot Who knew that civil disobedience - Could be so hot? - I did.
Keep it in your pants, boys It's not for you We thought you wanted our attention Wait, now we're confused Being a cock tease is every woman's right.
- Well, not exactly.
- Slut walkin' These feminists make my underwear tight.
I think you missed the point.
It's empowering to be jiggly, - hot and twerky.
- What? I wanna baste you Like a Thanksgivin' turkey Okay, stop.
- Slut walkin' - Stop! Stop the music! That was fun, what just happened? I though we were really finding our groove.
You guys are being disgusting! So much skin! Uh, sex Uh meat! Sex meat! - [BARKING AND HOWLING.]
- Jesus, Jay, just go jerk off already! Oh, my God, you guys are all, like, total animals.
Exactly.
That's what I've been saying, we're animals.
You're not animals, stop saying that.
Well, why don't you stop telling me what I can and can't say? Yeah, this country was built on hate speech! - How about this? Stop being a creep! - I'm not being a creep.
You're the ones that dressed up all sexy, and then you get mad at us for saying you're sexy.
- What do you bitches want from us? - [ALL GASP.]
- Bitches? - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Andrew, they're not bitches, they're sluts.
Don't call us sluts! - But you're calling yourselves sluts.
- We're allowed.
Look, I'm just trying to be an ally to women.
Why are you taking the girls' side? - Yeah, you're a pussy.
- Oh, no.
Judd was right! I bet you have a pussy.
Let me see it.
I can't win.
What the hell am I supposed to do? I don't know.
Apologize on a podcast? Oh.
Am I late? Yes, Missy, and you're not wearing the right clothes either.
But didn't you see my sign? Who cares? You're, like, a traitor to your gender.
Okay, I will process that social pain on my own time.
Uh, Jessi, could I get a little backup here? I mean, that is just what you wear every day.
Why do you always have to be such a goody-goody? But wha [JESSI.]
You betrayed us! Die, Space Judas! You're just like when I testified against my mom.
Missy, the ship has sustained too much damage from the previous attacks, and Andrew's clogged the toilet.
And I still have more to give.
You gotta get pissed! Fire back at those fudging girls! I can't! I'm likable, that's my thing.
Well, then, let me out! I'll do it.
- No! - The ship is malfunctioning.
And the toilet's overflowing, Andrew! - [ANDREW.]
I'm sorry.
- Whoo-hoo! I'm free, bitches! [CALEB GROANS.]
Oh, no, the prisoner escaped! What am I gonna No.
Oh, no, no.
[SOBBING.]
I just wanted to be a part of this.
Ew! You're crying now? - Classic girl move.
- Oh.
Now she's yelling and she's crying.
You know what? This might be my morning soda talking, but fuck everybody, I'm outta here.
And all the clocks in this school are showing different times.
[TUTTING.]
Well, well, well.
It looks like the girls have "gone wild," as they say.
We're protesting, your sexist dress code.
And because of that, guess what, you all just got yourselves detention after school.
My classroom, girls, do not change clothes.
We're not girls, we're ladies.
Oof! Fuck, my cock-sucking ankle.
I mean, they say they don't want us to look, but then they're parading around in these short skirts.
- These prude-sluts are so confusing.
- I can't even think straight.
You know what you need to do? Ah! Put your opinion online.
Don't think Shout out to UCB.
Fuck it, we'll do it live! Shout out to Bill O'Reilly.
Hey, what's up family? It's Fart Boy, you know me.
I farted into a dumpster.
I ripped one into a dirty puddle.
But I'm not here to fart today.
I'm here to toot the truth.
- Toot, toot.
- Can you smell it? 'Cause it's not silent, but it is deadly.
Holy cow, Andrew, this is perfect.
- What do women want? - Shout out to my boy, Mel Gibson.
'Cause I don't know.
There was this girl, okay, and I tried bein' the sweet guy they're always sayin' they want - But they don't want no nice guy.
- And she dumped me.
- Ooh! - So then I tried to be the cool guy.
- Kangol hat, y'all.
- But she didn't like that either, 'cause I guess I pulled a kid out of a wheelchair or something? Fake news.
Guys, it's just hard to be a boy these days.
Hard out here for a Fart Boy! Fart fart! Anyone else feelin' me? Less talk, more farts.
Press your ass against the camera and fart.
Please check out my fart videos! Big fan! Hey, man, there are a lot of guys out there who feel the same way.
Really? - Hey, should I go? - Meet up with a bunch of random men from the Internet? Um, yes, please.
It's completely unfair the girls got detention.
Have they repealed the First Amendment yet? Look, as a Fox News Jew, I think they were dressed like trollops.
Well, as an NPR woman, who was born Jewish, but no longer practices Judaism, I think the boys acted terribly.
God, you're so shrill.
You sound like a goddamn teapot! Don't talk to my wife like that.
I don't need you to defend me, Cyrus.
My name is Jay's Mom and I have a secret daughter.
- Sit down! - Damn it, Lizer! You did a dress code, and it didn't work! So what are you gonna do now, you weasel schmuck? - Uh - Yeah, - what are you gonna do? - Uniforms? Uniforms? Stiff, scratchy, unattractive uniforms? I, for one, wanna hear more about that secret daughter.
Ugh! I look like a fucking Mormon.
- Hey.
- Oh, good, you look like shit too.
Whoa.
What's your problem? - I'm pissed off, asshole! - She's pissed off, asshole! Look, I get it, it sucks that you got detention.
Come on, give him a break, he's sympathetic.
You don't get it.
You don't know what it's like being a girl.
- People tell you what to wear! - I just The whole world tells you how big your boobs should be.
- Really? - And you called us sluts! Well, I'm sorry for all of that stuff, but, Jessi, I'm on your side.
I just literally don't know what to do.
Well, I don't know exactly either! I think it might just be this long conversation we all have to keep having! - Well, fine, then let's have it.
- I think we are having it.
- Really? Right now? - Yes, this is it.
- Well it's not that bad.
- It's fine.
- All right! - Go ahead.
- Great! - Can I have the last word for once? - Yes.
- Just don't be the guy that always has to say the last thing.
- Okay.
- Don't do it! - Can I just give you a hug? - No! - No? - Oh, okay.
Damn, y'all are in middle school and you havin' this big-ass conversation.
I loves you guys.
[COACH STEVE.]
Hey, my best friends are best friends again.
- Coach Steve? - Oh, I wish! I got fired from Walgreens and now I'm Coach Mannequin Steve.
Downside is, you know, I'm technically no longer a human being.
Upside is I can pop my arm off for awesome high fives.
High five! I love you, my very quiet dudes.
Uh-oh, there goes Richard.
[SOBBING.]
All I wanted was to keep wearing my overalls.
And now I have to wear this stupid skirt and everyone's mad at me.
Oh, quit the waterworks, you pathetic little butt munch.
No, stay away from me! I just wanna be sad.
Bull honky! You're not sad, you're angry.
Furious! You're a cop and someone just killed your partner.
The day before he was supposed to retire.
It's a tragedy! He bought a frigging boat! Ah! Stop it! I hate you! [SOBS.]
You're mean and ugly and I don't want people to think that I'm like you.
Well, guess what, Hitler's nut? I am you! Shut up! Gah! What have I done? That's what I'm talkin' about, baby.
[SMACKS LIPS.]
Tastes like power.
Hey, firefly.
So, here's the bra with several radishes in it.
As you can see, I'm not wearing it, right? - Okay, Dad, yeah, I get it.
- Then say it.
You don't wear the bra.
- And? - It's for radishes! Sweet dreams, firefly.
[SNIFFING.]
Ooh.
What's that sexy smell? Mm! Whoa! What are you doin' here? [LAUGHS.]
There's never food in this house.
- [BURBLING.]
- Ohhh.
You're not for eating.
[BURBLING.]
Let me make sure I understand what you want.
You're saying I need to fuck you before my body completely shuts down? - [BURBLING.]
- Uh Ohhh.
You've busted your trussing, you dirty bird.
[BURBLES.]
Yeah, I'm surprised I knew that word, too.
So we get to the restaurant, and I don't open the door for her because I guess I'm not supposed to now.
Didn't you get the memo, Dan? - Chivalry's dead.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, yeah, we're all laughing.
And then she freaks out at me.
It's like, what do they want from us? See, this is what I'm talkin' about! We can't win! This kid gets it! - What's up, little dude? - Hello, other dudes.
Hey, buddy, welcome.
Share your struggle.
Okay.
Well, there was this girl - [ALL.]
Boo! - Yeah, thank you.
Exactly.
Women are all mixed up nowadays, right? They seem to have forgotten that their biological imperative is to have babies.
Oh, okay.
Because And this is science, right? Women's brains are smaller.
No, they're not.
And that's why my wife was stupid enough to leave me for a "black doctor," whatever that means.
Probably that he went to medical school.
And then her Jew lawyer says it's because I beat up my gay neighbor.
It's PC bullshit.
That's why we need a patriarchal ethno-state of pure European blood! - Yeah! - Truth, man! Okay, I get it now.
They're Nazis.
We're with Nazis! All right, lock the door, Andrew.
We're gonna Inglourious Basterds these A-holes.
You want to light the room on fire and kill everybody? Yeah, what were you thinking? I was thinking we just leave the Nazi meeting.
- I mean, nobody knows we're here.
- Hello, Andrew.
- Oh, God, of course, it's you.
- Mm-hm.
Bring it on.
I'm a bad guy, I've made another series - of terrible choices - Yeah.
And now I'm hanging out with white supremacists.
Yes, yes, all those things, that's why I'm here.
[CHUCKLES.]
Hey, man, how you gonna pay for this Nazi dildo? - Your card got declined.
- Ugh.
Swipe it again, I I I literally just bought a Twix.
Oh, yeah.
- [GROANING.]
- [BURBLING.]
- Oh, yeah.
You want that gravy? - [BURBLES.]
- Oh, yeah! You do? - [BURBLES.]
Oh, my gravy boat's so full of gravy.
- Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah! - [BURBLING.]
Oh, that's right.
- [BURBLING.]
- Oh! Get stuffed! [BARKING.]
Rarty.
Party.
Party.
I made that turkey for a dinner party.
Hey, Nick.
How am I? I'm okay, I went to a Nazi meeting.
- Oh, Andrew.
- Oh, no, no.
I didn't like it.
Well, that's good news.
Hey, what's goin' on with you lately? I don't know, it's it's just been really hard with the Missy and the Lars thing, 'cause it made me so angry and I thought that I was the victim, but now I think that maybe I'm the asshole.
- That is possible.
- [SOBBING.]
I don't want to have hate in my heart.
- Aw.
Come here, buddy.
- Oh, God.
They hated Jews so much.
I know, it's hard.
You know what's not hard? My dick! - That's great, Jay.
- Don't you wanna know why? Let me guess, you fucked a turkey.
What? No, you wish.
Okay, I did and it was awesome.
- I called it.
- Get this.
At one point, it was on top! The turkey rode me, reverse turkey girl.
Oh, Jay, how did I ever let you go? Ooh, and she let me cheese on her giblets.
Whoa.
Guys, check it out.
[GASPING.]
Missy's not wearing her uniform.
Miss Foreman-Greenwald, what am I not seeing on your body? Uh You've broken the rules, Captain, and now it's time to pay the price.
Missy, we must surrender! He's too strong for us! We're all gonna die! Mr.
Shit is right.
No, Mr.
Shit is wrong.
It's time to fight back! Yeah, it's time to finger fudge some eye sockets! Don't trust her, Missy.
Shut up, you sweet beefcake, with your pillow lips and your perfect skin.
Tick-tock! It's dick punch o'clock.
And I don't like to be late! I'm not wearing my uniform 'cause it's butt ugly and stupid! And you are a creepy, sexist fudge face! - [CHEERING.]
- Yeah, Missy! Oh, now you're cheerin'? Rah-rah-rah! Your cheers are hollow.
You shamed me for what I wore! All you girls are a bunch of hypocrites! - Ha-ha! Suck it, ladies! - Oh, button your yap, Jay! - Yeah, that's my bad.
- And just so you know, boys aren't animals, they are capable of self-control! I learned that, too, Missy.
- And you! - Oh, no.
We went out for, like, five fudgin' days.
I don't owe you squat-diddly! Get over it, Señor Poop! Okay, Missy, that's enough! Chow down on your vertical frown, Lizer! What is that supposed to even mean to me? Uh, what that is actually supposed to mean is that now it is time for you to eat your own ass, you bozo! [GASPING.]
Caleb, are you rolling on this? I got everything after "Señor Poop.
" This? My asshole? You can't talk to No.
- The kid's right, Lizer.
- [SCOFFS.]
Eat your own ass.
- I - I got 45 days left, and you've made a mess of everything.
Now, kids, whose names I don't know, middle school is the worst time of your life.
No need for us to make it any harder, right? So no more uniforms, no more sexist dress codes.
- [CHEERING.]
- I'm happy, too.
The next person who speaks to me is expelled.
[CHANTING.]
Missy! Missy! Missy! Missy! Missy! [CELLO MUSIC.]
Ah, spring.
A new season has begun.
And as the days grow longer, like so many math class boners, the dreams, they grow wetter.
For April showers bring Austin Powers.
Do I make you horny, baby? Season three will.
Whoo! Season three is underway.
Did you see that one episode is called "How to Have an Orgasm"? In my case, it's a bottle of rosé and getting my wings choked out.
Hit it, Luda.
- Whoo! Back again - That's right Luda! [LAUGHING.]
Feel this, just gets meaner and meaner each time, baby.
Feelin' real good, too.
- Holla at 'em - What up, Uncle Face? - Yeah - Causin' lyrical disasters It's the master Make music for Mini-Mes Models and fat bastards These women tryin' to get me out My Pelle Pelle They strip off my clothes and tell me "Get in my belly" Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls Ludacris sit down And take over the whole world Whoa, don't slip up or get got Why not, man? I'm comin' for that number one spot All right! Whoo! Rappers swearin' they on top Nuh-uh! Uh-uh! But I'm comin' for that Number one spot All right, man! Scheme, scheme, plot, plot Ha, ha.
Good At Bizness.
[KAZOO PLAYS.]
- Chirp.
- Fathouse.
[LIGHT BULB BUZZING.]