Black Jesus (2014) s03e02 Episode Script
Vatican Guys
1 [MAN SINGING IN LATIN.]
[ITALIAN ACCENT.]
Cardinal Ciabatti, are we sure this footage isn't doctored? CIABATTI: Not as far as we know.
The real issue here is that there is a very small yet scattered international following of a man who is interpreted to be the second coming of Jesus Christ.
They call him Black Jesus.
And he has a very strong social media presence.
[BELL RINGS.]
[ITALIAN ACCENT.]
Any confirmed miracles? No, and that's why you are here, gentlemen.
You must find him.
Bring him here so that he can be thoroughly examined, and possibly exterminated.
Exterminated? But what if he's really Jesus Christ? Returned as a black man in an American ghetto? Right.
If we ignore this, we do it at our own peril.
So you must bring him to Rome so that we can deal with him properly.
Where is he? In a section of Los Angeles.
A place called Compton.
Compton? Yes.
I understand that Compton is hell-adjacent.
[BOTTLE CLINKS.]
Would you care for the blood of Christ? Amen [GULLS CRYING.]
Damn, boon.
Where your mom get all this knock-off merchandise from? God only knows, Jesus.
I don't think he does.
[DOGS BARK IN DISTANCE.]
Matter of fact, I know pops don't have a clue as to where you get counterfeit condoms from.
Hey, man, you gonna mess around and have some major baby-mama drama with these.
Heh.
Who you tellin'? Anyway, what's your virgin ass know about counterfeit condoms? And all this shit ain't fake some of it is stolen.
Which means it's legit, just in an il-legit sort of way.
Like these phones.
You know, you You know, folks gonna get one phone call before the activation lock turn those into some pretty-ass paperweights.
[LAUGHS.]
What what's good in the bag, Lloyd? Nothin'.
And you know why.
Oh, here we go.
Here we go.
Damn right, here we go.
Because of some unwanted miracle, I can't enjoy my favorite pastime of getting drunk off my mother[BLEEP.]
ass.
Have a [BLEEP.]
day, gentlemen.
Oh, lookit, Jesus! Look, Jesus.
Darby, Darby [UP-BEAT MUSIC PLAYS.]
I know this place! Yeah? It's famous.
Famous? For what? Being a shit hole? No.
I-it's in this video game my nephew plays.
Ah.
"Grand Theft Auto.
" This is just like the part of the game where the ghetto is, and where the poor blacks live.
[LAUGHS.]
Ahh.
It's where all the bad shit happens.
Huh.
Bad shit like what? Bad shit like this, mother Get your bitch ass out the car.
[SCREAMING.]
Don't ow! - Ah [BLEEP.]
- [HORN BLARES.]
SANTINO: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! - Oh, no, don't - [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
You got my car, but you won't get Jesus! [BLOWS LANDING.]
SANTINO: Oh, get the Jesus! Renzo, get Jesus! Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! Aaah! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
I got the Gesu Cristo! It's the Jesus! [YELLING, BLOWS LANDING.]
Oh, yeah! I got my Jesus, nigga! [HORN HONKS.]
And welcome back to the Regal Seasons, gentlemen.
Have a great afternoon.
None of my business.
CIABATTI: You got robbed three [BLEEP.]
hours after you landed? Compton is crazy.
Can't we just pray until he comes to Beverly Hills? Just get the Black [SNARLS.]
Jesus! [SNORING.]
[SLAMS.]
Damn, Miss Emma.
What the hell? Hell is where y'all should go for selling these fake-ass feminine-hygiene products.
These tampons that you sold me couldn't soak up the blood from a paper cut, much less my period.
My flow ain't no joke.
I'ma need a refund.
Damn, Miss Emma.
T-M-I! And, anyway, ain't no refund.
Well, then, I'ma trade for one of these fake-ass bibles.
Nah, Miss Emma.
See, these bibles, they 100% legit.
From Genesis to Revelations, all accounted for and accurate.
Trust me.
Mm-hmm.
Is that why it says "Holly Bible" instead of "Holy Bible"? Clancy, I don't like the look of these white dudes clocking us from down the block.
You're right.
Prepare to discharge the artillery.
Prepared.
Fire! Fire! [MISSILE CHARGES, LAUNCHES.]
Aaah! [COUGHS.]
[SANTINO AND RENZO COUGHING.]
[DOG BARKING.]
[GUNS COCKING.]
Jesus Christ.
Jesus ain't here to save you mafia thugs.
And drop your weapons.
We don't have any weapons.
Only one way to prove it, huh? Strip.
Grazie.
Hold on.
Welcome back to the Regal Seasons, gentlemen.
Legs looking good.
I need a room key from you.
Welcome back to the Regal Seasons.
CIABATTI: What the hell is wrong with you putzes? Have you no cajones? No testicolis? No balls? In fact, show me your balls.
Show me what you morons think are balls.
Show them.
I want to see them.
All four of them.
Right now! Oh, my lord.
You call those balls? These are balls! Uh Huh.
Quite substantial, your grace.
You got to man the [BLEEP.]
up, and you need to go and find the Black [YELLS.]
Jesus! [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SANTINO AND RENZO CONVERSING IN ITALIAN.]
SANTINO: Hey, buddy! We're looking for a black guy.
So was Jeffrey Dahmer.
You weirdos kiss my ass.
Wait, no, no! We're not assholes.
We're we're not weirdos, either.
We're looking for the the Black Jesus.
The Black Jesus, yes.
And we're willing to pay to find him.
Pay? Sure.
Jesus? Yeah.
Jesus is an asshole.
I see.
Uh, does this asshole perform miracles? Are you kidding? It's because of one of his miracles that I'm in this [BLEEP.]
up condition today.
He made you poor? And black? Worse.
The mother[BLEEP.]
made me sober.
Nice rings.
Heh, heh.
You guys are from the Vatican! No, no.
No, no.
Like the Pope's secret police.
No, no.
No.
Bullshit.
Ever since that meddling-ass Jesus made me sober, I can remember a whole bunch of shit I couldn't remember before.
I mean, just like those rings.
Listen, maybe we can help each other.
You want Black Jesus.
I want to get rid of this piece-of-shit-ass miracle.
So? So, I'll show you how to get to Black Jesus.
You have the pope talk to God to reverse this unwanted curse of sobriety.
Uh Deal.
Deal? Mm.
I'ma take you straight to that mother[BLEEP.]
.
Yeah! [CHUCKLES.]
And thanks, Judas.
The name is Lloyd, nigga.
Uh, do you prefer Lloyd or Mister Nigga? Do you prefer your ball sack up by your neck? If you do, the name is "Mr.
Nigga.
" If not, Lloyd.
- Hi, Lloyd.
- Hi, Lloyd.
Ms.
Tudi, Ms.
Tudi, Ms.
Tudi.
Later, bitch.
How many times I told Tudi to keep them punk-ass niggas off my corner slanging that silly-ass shit? - How many times? - Too many times.
- How many times? - Too many times! That's right.
A whole lotta damn times.
Now I got to handle it.
[GUNS COCK.]
Hold up.
Wait a minute.
Who these [BLEEP.]
? [CAR DOORS CLOSE.]
That bitch Tudi.
She done put some real mafioso muscle on her payroll.
We got to re-think this.
Come back on these fools with some real firepower.
[ENGINE REVS.]
Hey, it's right there [GROANS.]
Get up.
Up, up.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Let's go.
- Santino.
- Come on.
I'm tired of this [BLEEP.]
But we have reservations.
We just want to go to Disneyland.
Sorry, amigos.
But without proof of citizenship, I'm afraid it's not "a small world after all.
" He's adorable.
Welcome back, gentlemen.
He with you? Great.
Slide him in.
Hotel guests.
What the hell you mean they got Jesus? And hit me over the head.
But they got Jesus? I think I'm about to have a concussion or some shit.
Baby Them bastards got Jesus.
Ow.
[WHINING.]
I don't feel good! The whole room is spinning! I can't focus good.
You still got that Obamacare? Jesus is cheaper than Obamacare, nigga.
Plus, he was my best salesman.
[BLEEP.]
You don't understand.
These was some real mafia dudes.
Man, they got out the car with them Italian accents, that olive-complected- but-still-white-guy skin, them cheap-looking suits that cost a fortune, the whole nine.
In fact, that dude hit me with a nine, I think.
What you just said right there ain't a disadvantage.
All it mean is them niggas ain't gonna be hard to find.
What, two white boys driving an impala in our neighborhood? Please.
Come on.
Grab my bag.
- [GUN COCKS.]
- Come on! CIABATTI: Finally, you have successfully apprehended the so-called Black Jesus.
So-called because it's so true.
If you don't knock it off with all the disbelief, Cardinal Let me live.
If you are the real Jesus, then why don't you put an end to all this and just make yourself magically disappear up outta here? For the same reason I didn't just magically disappear when they had my black ass nailed to that cross.
You know wouldn't nobody would have received none of God's love or the spiritual enlightenment, man, so thank me later, pimp.
I mean, pops always had a plan.
Just like now.
Achoo! Ahh.
- Scusate.
- [HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS.]
Bless you, pimp.
Demon magic! Get him! Aah! You're not getting away from me, Jesus! [LAUGHS.]
Hey, you guys are friends.
You can stop whuppin' each other's asses now.
[LAUGHS.]
Ohh Mm, mm, mm! Them white Vatican bastards lied! This shit don't work! A whole case of Darby and the only thing got a buzz is my dick from pissin' too much.
Oh, man! [BOTTLES CLINKING.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
Damn you, miracles from heaven! Damn you! I don't care what old-world crime family Ms.
Tudi got them white boys from.
I bow down to no male.
That's right.
We don't take nothing from no man.
Hey, hey.
Ask them.
Hey! You kids see some mob-looking white dudes? Oojah! [BOY GRUNTS.]
[BOY GROANING.]
MS.
TUDI: Hey.
Hey, kids! Y'all seen some mob-looking white dudes pass by here? CLANCY: I can't believe it, Ambro.
It's right here.
You see this? This shows a breach of our security.
Who would do something like this? Some commie-gook, Neo-Nazi, border-crossing, sand-nigga, white-honky, hood-rat, gender-bending, millennial hipster, metrosexual, feminazi, libtard, rainbow-flag-wearing bastard.
Clancy, who don't you hate? Michelle Obama.
Lloyd! More Darby, I see.
Hell no.
I got breath mints and some Alabama tea.
Only thing calm me down.
Well, this gon' get your blood up.
You see this? Some damn punks done threw they damn Darby bottles all over the complex.
Where's the respect?! Uh, uh, uh I agree with you.
Who the hell would do something like that? Some commie-gook, Neo-Nazi, border-crossing, sa ah, ah, ah.
Probably them mob dudes that we stripped and sent away earlier.
Yeah, I had a run-in with them.
Mean hombres.
They told some lies, made some promises, made me take them to Jesus.
- What? - What? Yo, they probably realized dude got super powers from another planet and want to use him as a weapon for evil.
Ohh.
And if that's the case, - [GUN COCKS.]
- They need to be dealt with.
They need to be dealt with.
You mean "dealt with" like critically injured? [GIGGLING.]
Yeah.
Well, if that's the case, I agree with you.
[BRAKES SCREECH.]
'Scuse me! Have you seen any mob-looking white dudes? Any mob-lookin' white dudes? Goddamn American youth.
Look at you, facedown in the gutter.
Making me jealous.
Here's a dollar.
[CHUCKLES.]
According to everybody we ask, them white dudes staying up in here.
Excuse me, ladies and I use the term loosely are you staying with us? No.
And neither are your nuts.
[GROANS.]
Namaste on that, mother[BLEEP.]
When we get to the desert airfield, there should be a private plane to transport us and the demon Black Jesus back to Rome.
And you, no funny business.
Capisce? Man, I was waiting on you to say that shit!"Capisce.
" Man, that's some gangster-ass shit.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
[MAN GROANING.]
MS.
TUDI: What the [BLEEP.]
happened to you? BOONIE: Look like somebody kicked him in the nuts.
That means them yoga bitches is here.
Come on! [GROANS.]
I-I [GROANS.]
I need to see a key.
Ambro! Yeah.
[GRUNTS.]
Sorry.
Handicap coming through.
Room key.
I need a room key.
All right.
Look at this mother[BLEEP.]
.
Trying to get a key so he can steal from people's minibars.
Aren't you drunk enough? Good God! Everybody can get drunker than me.
Oh, here.
James Brown.
Whoo! There! Hey! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
I see them mother[BLEEP.]
.
I see them bitches.
Aw, damn! Come on! Eee! [GUNS COCK.]
[SLOW-MOTION FOOTSTEPS.]
I see them lyin' bastards right over there.
I see a lot of black people with guns! I see a way we can work this all out.
And I see a bunch of people without keys that need to get the [BLEEP.]
out of my hotel.
MAN: Eat lead, scumbag! WOMAN: Die, sucker! Whoa, whoa! Hey! Uh Unh! Oh, my God.
- [GUNSHOTS.]
- Don't act tough! Unh! Game on! - That's right! - Clancy, I'm comin'! Clancy! I thought you couldn't walk! I do it for the checks.
- Hold up! - [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Namaste, bitch! Aah! Don't kill them! No! [YELLS.]
They owe me a reverse miracle from the pope! Aah! - Man down! - Mr.
Nigga! MS.
TUDI: My bad, Lloyd! Aaaah! - Oh, shit! - [LAUGHS.]
Hey! Come on! I've been hit! I need I need Jesus! Nah, I need my wig, nigga! Them bitches shot it off! Get off of me! [GROANS.]
Hey, hey! Watch out! Watch out! Jesus, I I came back to save you.
Ah, come on, knock it off, Lloyd.
We both know why you came here.
MS.
TUDI: I need my wig! You didn't come to save me.
You want that Darby.
I love you anyway, Lloyd.
Here, keep that a souvenir.
SANTINO: I just peed myself a little bit! [LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
Damn, boy! - Shoot them bitches! - Save us, Jesus! - [HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Aah! Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[SHOUTS IN ITALIAN.]
MS.
TUDI: Ha, ha! Take 'em down, Jesus! [GUNSHOTS.]
Santino! Gesu Cristo! No, no, no.
Santino's deathly allergic to oncidium orchids! Help! Oh Poor guy.
He's gone.
He's gone.
And he had so much left to live for.
A pet fish A dog A transgender mistress that he thought nobody knew about, but I [SOBS.]
I knew.
I knew.
Hey, don't even trip, pimp.
Pops say it's cool.
I got this.
- [HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS.]
- [GASPS.]
[SHRIEKS.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Mwah! My God Get you some air, player.
Santi! It really is you! Yeah, you can tell that Cardinal of yours that he would'a never known that had I started doing all that disappearing and shit.
Y'all quit trippin' and all them shenanigans.
[SIGHS.]
Did y'all have enough for the day? Yep.
That was enough for today.
- [ALL AGREEING.]
- Whew! That's enough bullets and gun slingin'.
How 'bout some fish sandwiches? Come on.
Oh, snap! - Rise.
- [HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GROANS.]
[LAUGHS.]
- Bye, Jesus.
- Bye, Jesus.
- Black Jesus, I believe! - Well, at least they're gone.
You know that bitch almost shot me in my head? Anyway, how long is it gonna take to get that stand set back up? Ms.
Tudi, it still ain't safe out here with them yoga ladies on one with them guns.
Oh, Jesus.
Baby, what you worried about? Listen, I love you like a son.
Maybe even better.
But, Jesus, it ain't like somebody could kill your divine [LAUGHING.]
ass.
Look here, I can't just be risin' from the dead every time you catch beef with somebody.
Easter only come once a year.
Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Wait, wait, wait.
[HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS.]
Thanks, Jesus! Right on, young pimp.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
[ITALIAN ACCENT.]
Cardinal Ciabatti, are we sure this footage isn't doctored? CIABATTI: Not as far as we know.
The real issue here is that there is a very small yet scattered international following of a man who is interpreted to be the second coming of Jesus Christ.
They call him Black Jesus.
And he has a very strong social media presence.
[BELL RINGS.]
[ITALIAN ACCENT.]
Any confirmed miracles? No, and that's why you are here, gentlemen.
You must find him.
Bring him here so that he can be thoroughly examined, and possibly exterminated.
Exterminated? But what if he's really Jesus Christ? Returned as a black man in an American ghetto? Right.
If we ignore this, we do it at our own peril.
So you must bring him to Rome so that we can deal with him properly.
Where is he? In a section of Los Angeles.
A place called Compton.
Compton? Yes.
I understand that Compton is hell-adjacent.
[BOTTLE CLINKS.]
Would you care for the blood of Christ? Amen [GULLS CRYING.]
Damn, boon.
Where your mom get all this knock-off merchandise from? God only knows, Jesus.
I don't think he does.
[DOGS BARK IN DISTANCE.]
Matter of fact, I know pops don't have a clue as to where you get counterfeit condoms from.
Hey, man, you gonna mess around and have some major baby-mama drama with these.
Heh.
Who you tellin'? Anyway, what's your virgin ass know about counterfeit condoms? And all this shit ain't fake some of it is stolen.
Which means it's legit, just in an il-legit sort of way.
Like these phones.
You know, you You know, folks gonna get one phone call before the activation lock turn those into some pretty-ass paperweights.
[LAUGHS.]
What what's good in the bag, Lloyd? Nothin'.
And you know why.
Oh, here we go.
Here we go.
Damn right, here we go.
Because of some unwanted miracle, I can't enjoy my favorite pastime of getting drunk off my mother[BLEEP.]
ass.
Have a [BLEEP.]
day, gentlemen.
Oh, lookit, Jesus! Look, Jesus.
Darby, Darby [UP-BEAT MUSIC PLAYS.]
I know this place! Yeah? It's famous.
Famous? For what? Being a shit hole? No.
I-it's in this video game my nephew plays.
Ah.
"Grand Theft Auto.
" This is just like the part of the game where the ghetto is, and where the poor blacks live.
[LAUGHS.]
Ahh.
It's where all the bad shit happens.
Huh.
Bad shit like what? Bad shit like this, mother Get your bitch ass out the car.
[SCREAMING.]
Don't ow! - Ah [BLEEP.]
- [HORN BLARES.]
SANTINO: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! - Oh, no, don't - [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
You got my car, but you won't get Jesus! [BLOWS LANDING.]
SANTINO: Oh, get the Jesus! Renzo, get Jesus! Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! Aaah! [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
I got the Gesu Cristo! It's the Jesus! [YELLING, BLOWS LANDING.]
Oh, yeah! I got my Jesus, nigga! [HORN HONKS.]
And welcome back to the Regal Seasons, gentlemen.
Have a great afternoon.
None of my business.
CIABATTI: You got robbed three [BLEEP.]
hours after you landed? Compton is crazy.
Can't we just pray until he comes to Beverly Hills? Just get the Black [SNARLS.]
Jesus! [SNORING.]
[SLAMS.]
Damn, Miss Emma.
What the hell? Hell is where y'all should go for selling these fake-ass feminine-hygiene products.
These tampons that you sold me couldn't soak up the blood from a paper cut, much less my period.
My flow ain't no joke.
I'ma need a refund.
Damn, Miss Emma.
T-M-I! And, anyway, ain't no refund.
Well, then, I'ma trade for one of these fake-ass bibles.
Nah, Miss Emma.
See, these bibles, they 100% legit.
From Genesis to Revelations, all accounted for and accurate.
Trust me.
Mm-hmm.
Is that why it says "Holly Bible" instead of "Holy Bible"? Clancy, I don't like the look of these white dudes clocking us from down the block.
You're right.
Prepare to discharge the artillery.
Prepared.
Fire! Fire! [MISSILE CHARGES, LAUNCHES.]
Aaah! [COUGHS.]
[SANTINO AND RENZO COUGHING.]
[DOG BARKING.]
[GUNS COCKING.]
Jesus Christ.
Jesus ain't here to save you mafia thugs.
And drop your weapons.
We don't have any weapons.
Only one way to prove it, huh? Strip.
Grazie.
Hold on.
Welcome back to the Regal Seasons, gentlemen.
Legs looking good.
I need a room key from you.
Welcome back to the Regal Seasons.
CIABATTI: What the hell is wrong with you putzes? Have you no cajones? No testicolis? No balls? In fact, show me your balls.
Show me what you morons think are balls.
Show them.
I want to see them.
All four of them.
Right now! Oh, my lord.
You call those balls? These are balls! Uh Huh.
Quite substantial, your grace.
You got to man the [BLEEP.]
up, and you need to go and find the Black [YELLS.]
Jesus! [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SANTINO AND RENZO CONVERSING IN ITALIAN.]
SANTINO: Hey, buddy! We're looking for a black guy.
So was Jeffrey Dahmer.
You weirdos kiss my ass.
Wait, no, no! We're not assholes.
We're we're not weirdos, either.
We're looking for the the Black Jesus.
The Black Jesus, yes.
And we're willing to pay to find him.
Pay? Sure.
Jesus? Yeah.
Jesus is an asshole.
I see.
Uh, does this asshole perform miracles? Are you kidding? It's because of one of his miracles that I'm in this [BLEEP.]
up condition today.
He made you poor? And black? Worse.
The mother[BLEEP.]
made me sober.
Nice rings.
Heh, heh.
You guys are from the Vatican! No, no.
No, no.
Like the Pope's secret police.
No, no.
No.
Bullshit.
Ever since that meddling-ass Jesus made me sober, I can remember a whole bunch of shit I couldn't remember before.
I mean, just like those rings.
Listen, maybe we can help each other.
You want Black Jesus.
I want to get rid of this piece-of-shit-ass miracle.
So? So, I'll show you how to get to Black Jesus.
You have the pope talk to God to reverse this unwanted curse of sobriety.
Uh Deal.
Deal? Mm.
I'ma take you straight to that mother[BLEEP.]
.
Yeah! [CHUCKLES.]
And thanks, Judas.
The name is Lloyd, nigga.
Uh, do you prefer Lloyd or Mister Nigga? Do you prefer your ball sack up by your neck? If you do, the name is "Mr.
Nigga.
" If not, Lloyd.
- Hi, Lloyd.
- Hi, Lloyd.
Ms.
Tudi, Ms.
Tudi, Ms.
Tudi.
Later, bitch.
How many times I told Tudi to keep them punk-ass niggas off my corner slanging that silly-ass shit? - How many times? - Too many times.
- How many times? - Too many times! That's right.
A whole lotta damn times.
Now I got to handle it.
[GUNS COCK.]
Hold up.
Wait a minute.
Who these [BLEEP.]
? [CAR DOORS CLOSE.]
That bitch Tudi.
She done put some real mafioso muscle on her payroll.
We got to re-think this.
Come back on these fools with some real firepower.
[ENGINE REVS.]
Hey, it's right there [GROANS.]
Get up.
Up, up.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Let's go.
- Santino.
- Come on.
I'm tired of this [BLEEP.]
But we have reservations.
We just want to go to Disneyland.
Sorry, amigos.
But without proof of citizenship, I'm afraid it's not "a small world after all.
" He's adorable.
Welcome back, gentlemen.
He with you? Great.
Slide him in.
Hotel guests.
What the hell you mean they got Jesus? And hit me over the head.
But they got Jesus? I think I'm about to have a concussion or some shit.
Baby Them bastards got Jesus.
Ow.
[WHINING.]
I don't feel good! The whole room is spinning! I can't focus good.
You still got that Obamacare? Jesus is cheaper than Obamacare, nigga.
Plus, he was my best salesman.
[BLEEP.]
You don't understand.
These was some real mafia dudes.
Man, they got out the car with them Italian accents, that olive-complected- but-still-white-guy skin, them cheap-looking suits that cost a fortune, the whole nine.
In fact, that dude hit me with a nine, I think.
What you just said right there ain't a disadvantage.
All it mean is them niggas ain't gonna be hard to find.
What, two white boys driving an impala in our neighborhood? Please.
Come on.
Grab my bag.
- [GUN COCKS.]
- Come on! CIABATTI: Finally, you have successfully apprehended the so-called Black Jesus.
So-called because it's so true.
If you don't knock it off with all the disbelief, Cardinal Let me live.
If you are the real Jesus, then why don't you put an end to all this and just make yourself magically disappear up outta here? For the same reason I didn't just magically disappear when they had my black ass nailed to that cross.
You know wouldn't nobody would have received none of God's love or the spiritual enlightenment, man, so thank me later, pimp.
I mean, pops always had a plan.
Just like now.
Achoo! Ahh.
- Scusate.
- [HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS.]
Bless you, pimp.
Demon magic! Get him! Aah! You're not getting away from me, Jesus! [LAUGHS.]
Hey, you guys are friends.
You can stop whuppin' each other's asses now.
[LAUGHS.]
Ohh Mm, mm, mm! Them white Vatican bastards lied! This shit don't work! A whole case of Darby and the only thing got a buzz is my dick from pissin' too much.
Oh, man! [BOTTLES CLINKING.]
[GLASS SHATTERS.]
Damn you, miracles from heaven! Damn you! I don't care what old-world crime family Ms.
Tudi got them white boys from.
I bow down to no male.
That's right.
We don't take nothing from no man.
Hey, hey.
Ask them.
Hey! You kids see some mob-looking white dudes? Oojah! [BOY GRUNTS.]
[BOY GROANING.]
MS.
TUDI: Hey.
Hey, kids! Y'all seen some mob-looking white dudes pass by here? CLANCY: I can't believe it, Ambro.
It's right here.
You see this? This shows a breach of our security.
Who would do something like this? Some commie-gook, Neo-Nazi, border-crossing, sand-nigga, white-honky, hood-rat, gender-bending, millennial hipster, metrosexual, feminazi, libtard, rainbow-flag-wearing bastard.
Clancy, who don't you hate? Michelle Obama.
Lloyd! More Darby, I see.
Hell no.
I got breath mints and some Alabama tea.
Only thing calm me down.
Well, this gon' get your blood up.
You see this? Some damn punks done threw they damn Darby bottles all over the complex.
Where's the respect?! Uh, uh, uh I agree with you.
Who the hell would do something like that? Some commie-gook, Neo-Nazi, border-crossing, sa ah, ah, ah.
Probably them mob dudes that we stripped and sent away earlier.
Yeah, I had a run-in with them.
Mean hombres.
They told some lies, made some promises, made me take them to Jesus.
- What? - What? Yo, they probably realized dude got super powers from another planet and want to use him as a weapon for evil.
Ohh.
And if that's the case, - [GUN COCKS.]
- They need to be dealt with.
They need to be dealt with.
You mean "dealt with" like critically injured? [GIGGLING.]
Yeah.
Well, if that's the case, I agree with you.
[BRAKES SCREECH.]
'Scuse me! Have you seen any mob-looking white dudes? Any mob-lookin' white dudes? Goddamn American youth.
Look at you, facedown in the gutter.
Making me jealous.
Here's a dollar.
[CHUCKLES.]
According to everybody we ask, them white dudes staying up in here.
Excuse me, ladies and I use the term loosely are you staying with us? No.
And neither are your nuts.
[GROANS.]
Namaste on that, mother[BLEEP.]
When we get to the desert airfield, there should be a private plane to transport us and the demon Black Jesus back to Rome.
And you, no funny business.
Capisce? Man, I was waiting on you to say that shit!"Capisce.
" Man, that's some gangster-ass shit.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
[MAN GROANING.]
MS.
TUDI: What the [BLEEP.]
happened to you? BOONIE: Look like somebody kicked him in the nuts.
That means them yoga bitches is here.
Come on! [GROANS.]
I-I [GROANS.]
I need to see a key.
Ambro! Yeah.
[GRUNTS.]
Sorry.
Handicap coming through.
Room key.
I need a room key.
All right.
Look at this mother[BLEEP.]
.
Trying to get a key so he can steal from people's minibars.
Aren't you drunk enough? Good God! Everybody can get drunker than me.
Oh, here.
James Brown.
Whoo! There! Hey! [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING.]
I see them mother[BLEEP.]
.
I see them bitches.
Aw, damn! Come on! Eee! [GUNS COCK.]
[SLOW-MOTION FOOTSTEPS.]
I see them lyin' bastards right over there.
I see a lot of black people with guns! I see a way we can work this all out.
And I see a bunch of people without keys that need to get the [BLEEP.]
out of my hotel.
MAN: Eat lead, scumbag! WOMAN: Die, sucker! Whoa, whoa! Hey! Uh Unh! Oh, my God.
- [GUNSHOTS.]
- Don't act tough! Unh! Game on! - That's right! - Clancy, I'm comin'! Clancy! I thought you couldn't walk! I do it for the checks.
- Hold up! - [INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Namaste, bitch! Aah! Don't kill them! No! [YELLS.]
They owe me a reverse miracle from the pope! Aah! - Man down! - Mr.
Nigga! MS.
TUDI: My bad, Lloyd! Aaaah! - Oh, shit! - [LAUGHS.]
Hey! Come on! I've been hit! I need I need Jesus! Nah, I need my wig, nigga! Them bitches shot it off! Get off of me! [GROANS.]
Hey, hey! Watch out! Watch out! Jesus, I I came back to save you.
Ah, come on, knock it off, Lloyd.
We both know why you came here.
MS.
TUDI: I need my wig! You didn't come to save me.
You want that Darby.
I love you anyway, Lloyd.
Here, keep that a souvenir.
SANTINO: I just peed myself a little bit! [LAUGHING MANIACALLY.]
Damn, boy! - Shoot them bitches! - Save us, Jesus! - [HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Aah! Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[SHOUTS IN ITALIAN.]
MS.
TUDI: Ha, ha! Take 'em down, Jesus! [GUNSHOTS.]
Santino! Gesu Cristo! No, no, no.
Santino's deathly allergic to oncidium orchids! Help! Oh Poor guy.
He's gone.
He's gone.
And he had so much left to live for.
A pet fish A dog A transgender mistress that he thought nobody knew about, but I [SOBS.]
I knew.
I knew.
Hey, don't even trip, pimp.
Pops say it's cool.
I got this.
- [HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS.]
- [GASPS.]
[SHRIEKS.]
[CHUCKLING.]
Mwah! My God Get you some air, player.
Santi! It really is you! Yeah, you can tell that Cardinal of yours that he would'a never known that had I started doing all that disappearing and shit.
Y'all quit trippin' and all them shenanigans.
[SIGHS.]
Did y'all have enough for the day? Yep.
That was enough for today.
- [ALL AGREEING.]
- Whew! That's enough bullets and gun slingin'.
How 'bout some fish sandwiches? Come on.
Oh, snap! - Rise.
- [HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS.]
[GROANS.]
[LAUGHS.]
- Bye, Jesus.
- Bye, Jesus.
- Black Jesus, I believe! - Well, at least they're gone.
You know that bitch almost shot me in my head? Anyway, how long is it gonna take to get that stand set back up? Ms.
Tudi, it still ain't safe out here with them yoga ladies on one with them guns.
Oh, Jesus.
Baby, what you worried about? Listen, I love you like a son.
Maybe even better.
But, Jesus, it ain't like somebody could kill your divine [LAUGHING.]
ass.
Look here, I can't just be risin' from the dead every time you catch beef with somebody.
Easter only come once a year.
Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Wait, wait, wait.
[HEAVENLY MUSIC PLAYS.]
Thanks, Jesus! Right on, young pimp.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]