Bojack Horseman (2014) s03e02 Episode Script
The BoJack Horseman Show
1 Whoa.
So, that was weird.
Yeah.
Wait.
Why did you think that was weird? You know, you and me together, weird.
So it's not because I did that talking penis thing, right? Just the general concept of us sleeping together that's weird, right? Yeah.
(MAN) Good morning, Hollywood.
It's a beautiful morning in sunny 2007.
Oh, my God, 2007? Is that what time it is? I gotta get my Uggs on and get to work.
Well, you sure you don't want to just hang around for a little bit? - I got no plans.
- No, sadly, I have to go to my job, to help my boss find gigs for you to turn down.
If Marv brought me something good, I would do it.
Besides, I'm still decompressing from my last gig.
Horsin' Around? That ended 11 years ago.
Really? Where does the time go? (GULPING) What, you're just gonna stay at home and get drunk all day? Don't climb up my ass.
I invited you to play hooky and hang out with me.
I got a new HD DVD player.
Let's get wrecked and get Shreked.
BoJack, last night was fun and you're sweet, sort of.
- I don't want to make a thing of this.
- We agree.
It's not a thing.
- Not a thing.
- Definitely not a thing.
No, this is not a thing.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLING) Yeah.
(FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC) (POP MUSIC PLAYING) Generic 2007 pop song Auto-tuned So all the voices sound weird Ah! This is a pop song It's 2007 Hey, Todd, I think you just got a text.
"Who do you like, question mark, colon, bracket"? That's a smiley face, homeslice.
- Who do you like? - I don't like anyone.
That's ridonkulous.
You have to like someone.
- If I have to, I guess, uh Kimber? - (GROANS) Everyone likes Kimber.
That's like saying you like Fergie.
- Who do you like? - I'm not allowed to like anyone.
My dad is real strict.
Do you know The Sopranos? The show, or that weird saxophone that Kenny G plays? The show, about the guy in the mob? That's what my dad does.
Whoa! Hey, speaking of mobs, we gotta bounce if we're gonna make that flash mob at the Grove.
Man, I love flash mobs.
And I love you-- Ubisoft's "Assassin's Creed".
It's a new video game.
- Okay, let's go flash mob.
- Whoo! Flash mobs.
This ain't 2006 It's 2007 I just don't know how I feel about my husband doing a bunch of wacky commercials overseas.
Not overseas, underseas.
You're looking at the new face of Seaborn's Seahorse Milk.
What the hell is seahorse milk? Beats me, but you better believe I'm trusting Seaborn's.
For all my seahorse milk needs.
- It just seems a little cheesy.
- Hey, I'm not too big for anything.
And my flip phone is blowing up with opportunities.
Michael Vick made me a very strange offer.
But I'm gonna hear him out.
Always take the meeting.
Ahem.
Can I help you? I'll have an Americano with steamed milk instead of water.
One latte? For you, my second and final wife? Oh, I usually like a cool drink when it's hot outside and a warm drink when it's cold outside.
But today is a perfect day, so-- One lukewarm coffee for my gorgeous spouse.
Name? Jessica, obviously.
I'm Jessica Biel? - Mmm uh - From Stealth? Summer Catch? Rules Of Attraction? Nothing? (SIGHS) Girl from Seventh Heaven who took her clothes off for that magazine? - Oh, yeah.
- Thank you, Blarn? That's my name.
So she kissed a girl, huh? And she liked it? This I gotta see.
Talk to you later.
P.
C.
, where are you hiding? Right out here, Marv, same place I've been for the last 14 years.
Get in here and tell me what scripts I read this weekend.
We have three standouts here.
A feature called No Country For Old Men.
- It's about a hunter who-- - (SNORING) Sorry, I fell asleep for a second.
Because that title's too long.
No Country For Old Men It's About A Hunter Who? Pass.
- Aaah! - Titles should be two words.
Pretty Woman.
Beautiful Girls.
Private Parts.
Then you might not like this next one, There Will Be Blood? There will not be blood.
I would have accepted There Will, or Be Blood.
- Firm pass.
- Oh! This last one is really special.
It's a TV pilot from a veteran sitcom writer named Cuddlywhiskers called - Hmm Mitch's Life.
- Now there's a title.
I think if we attach the right talent, this could be a hit.
You know who'd be great? BoJack Horseman.
(LAUGHING) Don't make me laugh, because I have a heart condition and it could kill me.
Every little thing I bring that guy, he turns down.
I think with the right project, BoJack could-- Bup, bup, bup! P.
C.
, do I get you coffee and pick up your dry cleaning and buy you peek-a-boo negligees for strange women - you saw at the train station once? - No.
Then how about I don't do your job and you don't do my job? You know, I would like to be an agent someday.
Yeah, yeah, someday, sure.
But for now, you're learning from one of the greats.
Mark my words.
The best agent in the world couldn't get that joker off his ass.
Hmm (DOORBELL RINGS) BoJack, I brought you Four Loko.
I brought four Four Lokos.
That's 16 Lokos.
Finally someone brings me an adequate amount of Lokos.
Are you trying to get me drunk? (GROANS) You were trying to get me drunk.
Where are you taking me, what am I wearing? To a meeting, and your clothes.
Is this a fedora? What am I, Jason Mirzizzerzaz? - I don't know.
- You know who.
I knew you wouldn't take this meeting if I didn't trick you into it.
Cuddlywhiskers has a great script and wants to meet you.
I have a script for you.
It's called "The BoJack Says No Chronicles".
Fade in, Princess Carolyn's car.
Princess Carolyn: "Hey, BoJack, you want to do this dumbass thing?" Act break.
Act two.
BoJack turns to Princess Carolyn.
BoJack: "No, thank you.
" End of episode.
Hey! Aren't you the horse from Horsin' Around? (SIGHS) You see, this is why I don't go out amongst the not-famouses.
Just do me a favor and take this meeting.
- (GROANS) - If you're a good boy, we can do that weird French thing you saw in that Internet video.
Ooh, parkour? This show came to me when I was in rehab.
I realized I'm only here on this earth for a bit, why not dig deeper? - Huh.
- Don't get me wrong.
I'm proud of the seven years I spent on Krill & Grace.
That show did so much for the way society views krill people.
That show didn't make me happy.
The awards, the money didn't make me happy.
Did you try spending the money on things? I started to feel like I was trapped in a giant plastic ball.
BoJack, meet my lovely assistant, Jill Filipowicz.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Did I say you could speak, wench? - You can't talk to me like that.
(GRUNTS) - Clean up that mess this instant! - No.
I'm a dirty girl.
- Uh - I'm filthy.
- You are being very bad.
- You'll have to punish me later.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) Jill and I have a very special relationship.
Want to tell me about the show? I hear it's great.
I've worked on great shows my whole career.
Great shows are easy.
I didn't become president of the Lampoon so I could make "great" shows.
- Harvard Lampoon.
- Yeah, I got it.
I'm trying to do something different here.
- Something that lasts.
- Huh.
Think about it.
If you're ready to finally stop being "The Horse" from Horsin' Around, send me an e-mail: Cuddlywhiskers@harvard.
edu.
- That's H-A-R-- - I got it.
(GASPS) You got some mail, babe.
Mwah! You understand I'm using that pet name ironically, right? Yes, Wayne.
Oh, my God, check it out, a rejection letter from The New Yorker.
That magazine is for white people.
White people are the worst, right, guys? Yup.
"Dear Diane.
We are sorry to say that your piece, 'An Open Letter to Open Letters', wasn't right for us, despite its evident merit.
" Do you know what this means? Caring leads to disappointment? Trying is stupid and so is having dreams? Someone gave my piece a read and decided against it.
Their journalistic style couldn't be more outmoded.
- Satire? More like "sa-tired.
" - I never even thought they'd read it.
"Talk of the Town"? More like "Schlock of the Clown".
Then they typed me a letter that said it had "obvious merit".
"Shouts and Murmurs"? More like "Louts and" What rhymes with murmurs? For two people who don't like The New Yorker, you know a lot about the different sections of The New Yorker.
And then Cuddlywhiskers said: "What if we stopped thinking of TV as a conduit to tell stories and thinking of it as a conduit to tell truth?" And I was like: "Damn, this guy must have gone to Yale or something.
" Sounds like you two really hit it off.
We were like Heidi and Spencer up in there.
So you're gonna do the show? - Nah.
Timing's really off right now.
- (SIGHS) iPhone's coming out this year, I need to gear up for that.
I'm done.
That's it, I'm tired of bending over backwards for you.
I mean this in all seriousness, professionally or in bed? Why won't you do this? Give me one good reason.
Because his show sounds incredible.
And what if I'm not? What if there's a reason the only thing I'm known for is Horsin' Around? BoJack, you are amazing.
You're bright and you're funny and you're handsome and you're talented.
But if you can't see that, then you're the biggest, dumbest piece of shit in the world.
- (POP MUSIC PLAYING) - (LAUGHTER AND CHATTER) How long do we have to stay in here? - It's called Seven Minutes in Heaven.
- Uh We don't have to kiss.
I know you'd rather be in here with Kimber.
That's not true.
It's just that, Emily - What? - I've never kissed anyone before.
That's okay.
Maybe we can try with each other? That way, when you're in here with Kimber one day, you'll know exactly what to do.
Okay, so how should we do it? French style, Eskimo, Butterfly? I'll tell you.
I know exactly what to do because I practice all the time with a picture of Adam Brody-- No, I don't! (CHUCKLES) Just close your eyes, and we move our faces toward each other.
- Okay.
- Until we - (SIGHS) - (MARV) Oh! Well, the elusive BoJack Horseman.
You do, huh? Hey, Princess Carolyn, guess who just got BoJack a job.
You are the secretary of a wonderful agent.
Now go pick up a pair of satin crotchless undies.
I saw a stewardess at the Yum Yum Donuts.
We did not make eye contact.
(MAN) Good morning, Los Angeles.
It's two months later in 2007.
(MAN 2) Two months later? Two months later than what? (MAN 1) Did I say two months later? Cookie chartreuse brontosaurus, I think I'm having a stroke.
Aaah! - Jeez, sleep much? - Jeez, watch me sleep much? Well, I couldn't sleep.
I kept thinking about today's first read-through.
These things are always so nerve-wracking, to sit there and perform for all these people like some kind of a-- - Professional actor? - Very funny.
- Before I forget, I got you a present.
- (GASPS) It's a box with crinkly tissue paper inside it.
How did you know? Thank you for putting this whole thing together.
Even though I still can't believe I let you talk me into this.
Promise me everything's going to be okay? I promise it's gonna be great.
If you get scared, look for me in the audience.
I'll be there the whole time, laughing and cheering louder than anyone.
- Mmm - Mm-mmm-mm.
"Mitch tosses the vodka bottle into the garbage.
Thud.
" "Goodbye, old friend.
" "Mitch turns off the light and closes the door as we Fade to black.
End of episode.
" Thank you.
Let's see what the suits say.
Bet they're gonna want to bland it up, make it appeal to middle America.
(GROANS) That's the worst part of America.
Other than the bottom, the top and most of the sides.
BoJack, Cuddlywhiskers, what can we say? This is why you guys are the pros and we're just the schmoes.
I think what my husband is trying to say is, "Great job.
" Enough with the torture.
Don't have to feed me to finger me.
Just lay on the notes.
(LAUGHS) Our only note? No notes.
- No notes? - We love this show.
BoJack, I'm calling it right now.
This show is gonna be as big as Horsin' Around.
(GULPS) Huh.
And then Justin said, "Jessica Biel? You are un-Jessica-Bielievable.
" - It was so funny.
- Wow.
It seems like you're really in sync with this Justin guy.
You should do all the things with him that I can't do.
Like eat chocolate, or enjoy fireworks, or watch tennis.
Why, tennis makes me so mad.
Why doesn't anyone ever catch the ball? Hello? Can we please get some service in this place? I'm famous actress Jessica Biel.
I'm one of the Jessicas.
Mom, I'm finally gonna be a published writer.
My "Open Letter to Open Letters" is going to be published in McSweeney's.
Mc-What? Who's that? Some Irish? No, Mom.
It's a very popular website.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm not falling for that scam.
Website? We gotta print it out on our own paper with our own ink? - I don't think so.
- Mom.
And my Blockbuster original series has been keeping me very busy.
I still don't get how that's gonna work, at all.
Babe, it makes total sense.
They make the whole season, put it on six DVD's.
People go to their local Blockbuster Video and rent it out one disc at a time for five days each.
What if someone already rented the episodes they want? They can just get something else, like The Illusionist or The Prestige.
- Whichever one you were in.
- Do you know which one? - Do you? - (GROANS) - Why do you say yes to everything? - I get excited by the possibilities.
Look, a CD, at a coffee shop? That is crazy.
- Buying it.
- Eh-eh eh-eh! No.
- Drop it.
Drop it.
- (WHIMPERS) Good boy.
Buzz-buzz-buzz buzz buzz-buzz! - You heard what the network said.
- Heard they loved it.
Yoo-hoo! I also heard that.
Exactly.
The network loved it.
Obviously, we're playing it too safe.
If you want my opinion, fellas, you hit oil, stop drilling.
"I am an oil man.
I drink your milkshake.
" - That'll be funny in a year or so.
- Before that got sad and weird, you said, "If you want my opinion," and we don't.
Cuddlywhiskers, you told me you wanted to do something different.
Now we're doing something that's gonna be "just as good as Horsin' Around.
" Is that what you wanted? That's not why I'm here.
- I know.
- I really think you're making a mistake.
I'm not taking career advice from somebody who's been an assistant the last 14 years.
Is that how you think of me? As your agent's assistant? - What do you think you are? - I don't know.
Here's some free advice: you should know.
Why don't you leave this to the grown-ups? Somebody needs coffee, I'll give you a ring.
Okay, best of luck.
(CLEARS THROAT) Cuddlywhiskers, let's give ourselves one night to stick our dicks in this script and go balls deep into the universe.
I'm in.
What's that, you say? There's a panic? At the disco? I gotta go.
What do you want, Toots? I want to be an agent.
I think I'm ready.
(GROANS) Again with this "I wanna be a female agent" thing.
They don't even have a word for it.
Uh, agentess, agentrix.
- It's just called "agent", Marv, agent.
- Okay, okay! You're an agent, all right? I dub thee agent.
You can even take my office, because I quit.
- What? - Who needs the headache? Thirty years I threw into this job and it destroyed me from the inside out.
I never fell in love, I never had a family.
I never even got to give that lacy teddy to the mean woman who worked at the DMV.
(SIGHS) All I have is regrets.
Oh, my God, I'm an agent! I'm gonna make it after all.
Whaah! First thing I'm gonna do is get rid of that ceiling fan.
How do we make it clear that this isn't Horsin' Around? What if in the very first scene, we show my character literally taking a massive dump on a VHS copy of Horsin' Around? What? That's insane.
Let's just put it in, we can always take it out later.
I want this character to be really edgy, the kind of character Denis Leary would be offered and then say: "This character's too edgy for me.
" What if he had a catchphrase that was an anti-catchphrase? Like if every time he entered the room he was like, "Whassup, bitches?" Not that, because that's horrible.
But something like that.
Whassup, bitches? - That is so dumb.
- But kind of brilliant, right? Yes, put that in.
Put all this in, this should be the show.
This should be the show.
I haven't felt this alive since the head of the Charles Regatta.
- That's a Harvard thing.
- Yes.
This is brilliant.
What if we had five minutes of him reading a book to himself? Oh, my God, yes.
Just him turning the page.
A close-up of my eyeball.
- (BOTTLE BREAKS) - The real shit, they never show that.
Wow, we did it.
We stayed up all night, but we really made something new and different and daring.
We've changed everything but the title.
Well, then, how about we give it a new title? - The BoJack Horseman Show.
- (GASPS) Oh, Cuddlywhiskers, I don't know what to say.
Well, then why don't you just say, "Whassup, bitches?" But, you know, not that.
- Something like that.
- We'll figure it out.
Seriously, can I hear 400 dollars? Let's not forget why we're here tonight.
To raise money for the John Edwards campaign.
I was talking to one of the volunteers earlier and she was just gushing about how John Edwards touched her.
I say, let's make this man president so he can touch whoever he wants.
- Four hundred dollars.
- I don't know what's cheesier, this three-cheese risotto or that dude's patter.
Seriously.
This fundraiser should have a fundraiser for a better host of this fundraiser.
Totes McGotes.
I'll post that to my Twitter page.
You should follow me.
I'm A with a circle around it, "insWayne in the membWayne".
- (DIANE SIGHS) - What's a Twitter page? (CHUCKLING) Erica, you know you're not allowed to vote in national elections.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) You sure it's okay to be in your parents' bedroom? Todd, so we've been together for months now.
Um, I was thinking maybe that we try sex? Uh We don't have to.
I don't wanna peer pressure you.
No.
I'm ready for sexual situations.
- Um - Hooray.
Um, taking your virginity.
Yeah, sure.
That's how I would say it.
Okay, here we-- Here I go.
Uh, this is Todd doing sex.
- (GARAGE DOOR OPENING) - Did you hear that? Oh, snap.
My dad's home early.
You gotta get out of here.
Your dad, the mobster? What? My dad's not a mobster.
You said he was like that guy from The Sopranos.
I said he works on The Sopranos.
He's an editor.
Oh, God, oh, God! Even worse.
He must be so desensitized to violence and nihilistic ruminations on the banality of evil.
Here, out the window.
You love shimmying, right? You know I love shimmying, but that's a two-story drop.
Use this.
- Go, get out.
Go, go! - Uh, okay.
Oh, shit.
(GRUNTS) Sorry.
(PANTING) Whoa, whoa, Tony marries Dr.
Melfi? Mamma mia! - So, the island's purgatory, right? - What's really happening-- - Hold that thought.
- (GROANS) Hey, Princess Carolyn, you came.
I figured since I'm your agent, I should at least show up to your premiere party.
I know I haven't called in a while.
I've been really busy.
I figured you'd call me if you needed a coffee.
Ouch.
Hey, big premiere tonight.
Very exciting.
Yeah.
After tonight, it's no more "Aren't you the horse from Horsin' Around?" From now on it'll be, "You're BoJack Horseman.
" I'm happy for you, BoJack.
- How about a kiss for good luck? - No, BoJack.
I'm your agent and your friend, and I will always support you.
But I'm 33 years old, and I want to have a family by the time I'm 40.
I don't want to spend the next seven years in and out of love with you.
I've wasted too much time waiting for things to happen.
And I'm not gonna wait anymore.
And for what it's worth, I always liked the horse from Horsin' Around.
- You did? - Yeah.
Everybody did.
Unbelievable.
Un-Jessica-Bielievable.
Can we not fight while I'm at a gig? There are a lot of big producers, this could be my next big break.
(GROANS) This podunk benefit is below us.
I'm about to be in what I've been told is a very important gay rights movie, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.
I now pronounce me very impressed, but I'm not getting those kinds of offers.
- As Justin would say, "Cry me a river.
" - Hey, if you like Justin so much, maybe you should just continue to be really good friends with him.
Fine, maybe I will marry Justin.
Uh, I didn't say that.
I now pronounce this marriage over.
Biel with it.
(SOBBING) - You wanted water? - Thanks.
Wait.
Blarn, right? Yeah, from the coffee shop.
What are you doing here? Is there coffee to "bariste"? I also do cater waiter gigs to make ends meet.
You "bariste" and cater and waiter? (LAUGHS) Triple threat.
I should be bringing you the water.
You know, just for the record, I think it's cool that you put yourself out there.
A lot of guys in your position wouldn't take gigs like this.
They'd be afraid people would make fun of them.
That's dumb.
If you care about what other people think, you're never gonna do anything.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Oh, my God, I'm so glad you agree.
I was like, "Why did I say that? That was so dumb.
" Then you were like, "That's right.
" And I was like, "Ooh! Validation.
" - Hey, mind if I change out of this shirt? - Go ahead.
(GROANS) This monkey suit is killing me.
Oof! Hey there, Delilah.
Sweet hang, Blarn.
You're one in a million.
- Actually, my name isn't Blarn.
- What? I put that on my nametag as a dumb joke to subvert the idea of co-opting personal identity to further corporate branding which, as I'm saying it, isn't much of a joke.
(LAUGHING) "Blarn.
" That is very funny.
You should be a writer.
Thanks.
I'm Diane.
- Mr.
Peanutbutter.
- Yeah, I know.
- Add me on MySpace, okay? - Sure.
All right.
Guess I'll see you around, Diana.
It's Diane.
Hey, buddy, slight change of plans.
Call it off.
Call the whole thing off.
What do you mean? We premiere in two minutes.
Call the network, cancel the whole thing.
Nobody wants to see me take a dump on a Horsin' Around VHS.
BoJack, it's going to be fine.
This is what we wanted, remember? Easy for you to say.
It's my name on the show.
This is why I didn't want to do another TV show.
Everything was perfect.
BoJack, this shit is bananas.
B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
I can't promise everyone will love this show.
No matter what, people will remember it.
Five, ten years from now, this is the show people will associate you with, and you'll be glad they do.
Because this show is real, it's edgy, it's different.
A lesser talent couldn't have pulled it off.
But I'm willing to bet on BoJack Horseman.
- Are you? - Yes, I am.
Great.
Because the show is starting and your life is about to change forever, in three, two, one.
(BOJACK ON TV) Whassup, bitches? Back in '07 I was in a not-successful TV show - I'm BoJack the Horseman - Goddamn What the hell was I thinkin', bro? When you're an artist Yeah, it's hard to play it safe That show stumbled hard right out the starting gate Wonder if I'm ever gonna get another chance Maybe a listicle at best Yeah, I'm not a horse, I'm an ass BoJack Boxer versus Raptor, Na-na na-na na-na na-na!
So, that was weird.
Yeah.
Wait.
Why did you think that was weird? You know, you and me together, weird.
So it's not because I did that talking penis thing, right? Just the general concept of us sleeping together that's weird, right? Yeah.
(MAN) Good morning, Hollywood.
It's a beautiful morning in sunny 2007.
Oh, my God, 2007? Is that what time it is? I gotta get my Uggs on and get to work.
Well, you sure you don't want to just hang around for a little bit? - I got no plans.
- No, sadly, I have to go to my job, to help my boss find gigs for you to turn down.
If Marv brought me something good, I would do it.
Besides, I'm still decompressing from my last gig.
Horsin' Around? That ended 11 years ago.
Really? Where does the time go? (GULPING) What, you're just gonna stay at home and get drunk all day? Don't climb up my ass.
I invited you to play hooky and hang out with me.
I got a new HD DVD player.
Let's get wrecked and get Shreked.
BoJack, last night was fun and you're sweet, sort of.
- I don't want to make a thing of this.
- We agree.
It's not a thing.
- Not a thing.
- Definitely not a thing.
No, this is not a thing.
(NERVOUS CHUCKLING) Yeah.
(FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC) (POP MUSIC PLAYING) Generic 2007 pop song Auto-tuned So all the voices sound weird Ah! This is a pop song It's 2007 Hey, Todd, I think you just got a text.
"Who do you like, question mark, colon, bracket"? That's a smiley face, homeslice.
- Who do you like? - I don't like anyone.
That's ridonkulous.
You have to like someone.
- If I have to, I guess, uh Kimber? - (GROANS) Everyone likes Kimber.
That's like saying you like Fergie.
- Who do you like? - I'm not allowed to like anyone.
My dad is real strict.
Do you know The Sopranos? The show, or that weird saxophone that Kenny G plays? The show, about the guy in the mob? That's what my dad does.
Whoa! Hey, speaking of mobs, we gotta bounce if we're gonna make that flash mob at the Grove.
Man, I love flash mobs.
And I love you-- Ubisoft's "Assassin's Creed".
It's a new video game.
- Okay, let's go flash mob.
- Whoo! Flash mobs.
This ain't 2006 It's 2007 I just don't know how I feel about my husband doing a bunch of wacky commercials overseas.
Not overseas, underseas.
You're looking at the new face of Seaborn's Seahorse Milk.
What the hell is seahorse milk? Beats me, but you better believe I'm trusting Seaborn's.
For all my seahorse milk needs.
- It just seems a little cheesy.
- Hey, I'm not too big for anything.
And my flip phone is blowing up with opportunities.
Michael Vick made me a very strange offer.
But I'm gonna hear him out.
Always take the meeting.
Ahem.
Can I help you? I'll have an Americano with steamed milk instead of water.
One latte? For you, my second and final wife? Oh, I usually like a cool drink when it's hot outside and a warm drink when it's cold outside.
But today is a perfect day, so-- One lukewarm coffee for my gorgeous spouse.
Name? Jessica, obviously.
I'm Jessica Biel? - Mmm uh - From Stealth? Summer Catch? Rules Of Attraction? Nothing? (SIGHS) Girl from Seventh Heaven who took her clothes off for that magazine? - Oh, yeah.
- Thank you, Blarn? That's my name.
So she kissed a girl, huh? And she liked it? This I gotta see.
Talk to you later.
P.
C.
, where are you hiding? Right out here, Marv, same place I've been for the last 14 years.
Get in here and tell me what scripts I read this weekend.
We have three standouts here.
A feature called No Country For Old Men.
- It's about a hunter who-- - (SNORING) Sorry, I fell asleep for a second.
Because that title's too long.
No Country For Old Men It's About A Hunter Who? Pass.
- Aaah! - Titles should be two words.
Pretty Woman.
Beautiful Girls.
Private Parts.
Then you might not like this next one, There Will Be Blood? There will not be blood.
I would have accepted There Will, or Be Blood.
- Firm pass.
- Oh! This last one is really special.
It's a TV pilot from a veteran sitcom writer named Cuddlywhiskers called - Hmm Mitch's Life.
- Now there's a title.
I think if we attach the right talent, this could be a hit.
You know who'd be great? BoJack Horseman.
(LAUGHING) Don't make me laugh, because I have a heart condition and it could kill me.
Every little thing I bring that guy, he turns down.
I think with the right project, BoJack could-- Bup, bup, bup! P.
C.
, do I get you coffee and pick up your dry cleaning and buy you peek-a-boo negligees for strange women - you saw at the train station once? - No.
Then how about I don't do your job and you don't do my job? You know, I would like to be an agent someday.
Yeah, yeah, someday, sure.
But for now, you're learning from one of the greats.
Mark my words.
The best agent in the world couldn't get that joker off his ass.
Hmm (DOORBELL RINGS) BoJack, I brought you Four Loko.
I brought four Four Lokos.
That's 16 Lokos.
Finally someone brings me an adequate amount of Lokos.
Are you trying to get me drunk? (GROANS) You were trying to get me drunk.
Where are you taking me, what am I wearing? To a meeting, and your clothes.
Is this a fedora? What am I, Jason Mirzizzerzaz? - I don't know.
- You know who.
I knew you wouldn't take this meeting if I didn't trick you into it.
Cuddlywhiskers has a great script and wants to meet you.
I have a script for you.
It's called "The BoJack Says No Chronicles".
Fade in, Princess Carolyn's car.
Princess Carolyn: "Hey, BoJack, you want to do this dumbass thing?" Act break.
Act two.
BoJack turns to Princess Carolyn.
BoJack: "No, thank you.
" End of episode.
Hey! Aren't you the horse from Horsin' Around? (SIGHS) You see, this is why I don't go out amongst the not-famouses.
Just do me a favor and take this meeting.
- (GROANS) - If you're a good boy, we can do that weird French thing you saw in that Internet video.
Ooh, parkour? This show came to me when I was in rehab.
I realized I'm only here on this earth for a bit, why not dig deeper? - Huh.
- Don't get me wrong.
I'm proud of the seven years I spent on Krill & Grace.
That show did so much for the way society views krill people.
That show didn't make me happy.
The awards, the money didn't make me happy.
Did you try spending the money on things? I started to feel like I was trapped in a giant plastic ball.
BoJack, meet my lovely assistant, Jill Filipowicz.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Did I say you could speak, wench? - You can't talk to me like that.
(GRUNTS) - Clean up that mess this instant! - No.
I'm a dirty girl.
- Uh - I'm filthy.
- You are being very bad.
- You'll have to punish me later.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) Jill and I have a very special relationship.
Want to tell me about the show? I hear it's great.
I've worked on great shows my whole career.
Great shows are easy.
I didn't become president of the Lampoon so I could make "great" shows.
- Harvard Lampoon.
- Yeah, I got it.
I'm trying to do something different here.
- Something that lasts.
- Huh.
Think about it.
If you're ready to finally stop being "The Horse" from Horsin' Around, send me an e-mail: Cuddlywhiskers@harvard.
edu.
- That's H-A-R-- - I got it.
(GASPS) You got some mail, babe.
Mwah! You understand I'm using that pet name ironically, right? Yes, Wayne.
Oh, my God, check it out, a rejection letter from The New Yorker.
That magazine is for white people.
White people are the worst, right, guys? Yup.
"Dear Diane.
We are sorry to say that your piece, 'An Open Letter to Open Letters', wasn't right for us, despite its evident merit.
" Do you know what this means? Caring leads to disappointment? Trying is stupid and so is having dreams? Someone gave my piece a read and decided against it.
Their journalistic style couldn't be more outmoded.
- Satire? More like "sa-tired.
" - I never even thought they'd read it.
"Talk of the Town"? More like "Schlock of the Clown".
Then they typed me a letter that said it had "obvious merit".
"Shouts and Murmurs"? More like "Louts and" What rhymes with murmurs? For two people who don't like The New Yorker, you know a lot about the different sections of The New Yorker.
And then Cuddlywhiskers said: "What if we stopped thinking of TV as a conduit to tell stories and thinking of it as a conduit to tell truth?" And I was like: "Damn, this guy must have gone to Yale or something.
" Sounds like you two really hit it off.
We were like Heidi and Spencer up in there.
So you're gonna do the show? - Nah.
Timing's really off right now.
- (SIGHS) iPhone's coming out this year, I need to gear up for that.
I'm done.
That's it, I'm tired of bending over backwards for you.
I mean this in all seriousness, professionally or in bed? Why won't you do this? Give me one good reason.
Because his show sounds incredible.
And what if I'm not? What if there's a reason the only thing I'm known for is Horsin' Around? BoJack, you are amazing.
You're bright and you're funny and you're handsome and you're talented.
But if you can't see that, then you're the biggest, dumbest piece of shit in the world.
- (POP MUSIC PLAYING) - (LAUGHTER AND CHATTER) How long do we have to stay in here? - It's called Seven Minutes in Heaven.
- Uh We don't have to kiss.
I know you'd rather be in here with Kimber.
That's not true.
It's just that, Emily - What? - I've never kissed anyone before.
That's okay.
Maybe we can try with each other? That way, when you're in here with Kimber one day, you'll know exactly what to do.
Okay, so how should we do it? French style, Eskimo, Butterfly? I'll tell you.
I know exactly what to do because I practice all the time with a picture of Adam Brody-- No, I don't! (CHUCKLES) Just close your eyes, and we move our faces toward each other.
- Okay.
- Until we - (SIGHS) - (MARV) Oh! Well, the elusive BoJack Horseman.
You do, huh? Hey, Princess Carolyn, guess who just got BoJack a job.
You are the secretary of a wonderful agent.
Now go pick up a pair of satin crotchless undies.
I saw a stewardess at the Yum Yum Donuts.
We did not make eye contact.
(MAN) Good morning, Los Angeles.
It's two months later in 2007.
(MAN 2) Two months later? Two months later than what? (MAN 1) Did I say two months later? Cookie chartreuse brontosaurus, I think I'm having a stroke.
Aaah! - Jeez, sleep much? - Jeez, watch me sleep much? Well, I couldn't sleep.
I kept thinking about today's first read-through.
These things are always so nerve-wracking, to sit there and perform for all these people like some kind of a-- - Professional actor? - Very funny.
- Before I forget, I got you a present.
- (GASPS) It's a box with crinkly tissue paper inside it.
How did you know? Thank you for putting this whole thing together.
Even though I still can't believe I let you talk me into this.
Promise me everything's going to be okay? I promise it's gonna be great.
If you get scared, look for me in the audience.
I'll be there the whole time, laughing and cheering louder than anyone.
- Mmm - Mm-mmm-mm.
"Mitch tosses the vodka bottle into the garbage.
Thud.
" "Goodbye, old friend.
" "Mitch turns off the light and closes the door as we Fade to black.
End of episode.
" Thank you.
Let's see what the suits say.
Bet they're gonna want to bland it up, make it appeal to middle America.
(GROANS) That's the worst part of America.
Other than the bottom, the top and most of the sides.
BoJack, Cuddlywhiskers, what can we say? This is why you guys are the pros and we're just the schmoes.
I think what my husband is trying to say is, "Great job.
" Enough with the torture.
Don't have to feed me to finger me.
Just lay on the notes.
(LAUGHS) Our only note? No notes.
- No notes? - We love this show.
BoJack, I'm calling it right now.
This show is gonna be as big as Horsin' Around.
(GULPS) Huh.
And then Justin said, "Jessica Biel? You are un-Jessica-Bielievable.
" - It was so funny.
- Wow.
It seems like you're really in sync with this Justin guy.
You should do all the things with him that I can't do.
Like eat chocolate, or enjoy fireworks, or watch tennis.
Why, tennis makes me so mad.
Why doesn't anyone ever catch the ball? Hello? Can we please get some service in this place? I'm famous actress Jessica Biel.
I'm one of the Jessicas.
Mom, I'm finally gonna be a published writer.
My "Open Letter to Open Letters" is going to be published in McSweeney's.
Mc-What? Who's that? Some Irish? No, Mom.
It's a very popular website.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm not falling for that scam.
Website? We gotta print it out on our own paper with our own ink? - I don't think so.
- Mom.
And my Blockbuster original series has been keeping me very busy.
I still don't get how that's gonna work, at all.
Babe, it makes total sense.
They make the whole season, put it on six DVD's.
People go to their local Blockbuster Video and rent it out one disc at a time for five days each.
What if someone already rented the episodes they want? They can just get something else, like The Illusionist or The Prestige.
- Whichever one you were in.
- Do you know which one? - Do you? - (GROANS) - Why do you say yes to everything? - I get excited by the possibilities.
Look, a CD, at a coffee shop? That is crazy.
- Buying it.
- Eh-eh eh-eh! No.
- Drop it.
Drop it.
- (WHIMPERS) Good boy.
Buzz-buzz-buzz buzz buzz-buzz! - You heard what the network said.
- Heard they loved it.
Yoo-hoo! I also heard that.
Exactly.
The network loved it.
Obviously, we're playing it too safe.
If you want my opinion, fellas, you hit oil, stop drilling.
"I am an oil man.
I drink your milkshake.
" - That'll be funny in a year or so.
- Before that got sad and weird, you said, "If you want my opinion," and we don't.
Cuddlywhiskers, you told me you wanted to do something different.
Now we're doing something that's gonna be "just as good as Horsin' Around.
" Is that what you wanted? That's not why I'm here.
- I know.
- I really think you're making a mistake.
I'm not taking career advice from somebody who's been an assistant the last 14 years.
Is that how you think of me? As your agent's assistant? - What do you think you are? - I don't know.
Here's some free advice: you should know.
Why don't you leave this to the grown-ups? Somebody needs coffee, I'll give you a ring.
Okay, best of luck.
(CLEARS THROAT) Cuddlywhiskers, let's give ourselves one night to stick our dicks in this script and go balls deep into the universe.
I'm in.
What's that, you say? There's a panic? At the disco? I gotta go.
What do you want, Toots? I want to be an agent.
I think I'm ready.
(GROANS) Again with this "I wanna be a female agent" thing.
They don't even have a word for it.
Uh, agentess, agentrix.
- It's just called "agent", Marv, agent.
- Okay, okay! You're an agent, all right? I dub thee agent.
You can even take my office, because I quit.
- What? - Who needs the headache? Thirty years I threw into this job and it destroyed me from the inside out.
I never fell in love, I never had a family.
I never even got to give that lacy teddy to the mean woman who worked at the DMV.
(SIGHS) All I have is regrets.
Oh, my God, I'm an agent! I'm gonna make it after all.
Whaah! First thing I'm gonna do is get rid of that ceiling fan.
How do we make it clear that this isn't Horsin' Around? What if in the very first scene, we show my character literally taking a massive dump on a VHS copy of Horsin' Around? What? That's insane.
Let's just put it in, we can always take it out later.
I want this character to be really edgy, the kind of character Denis Leary would be offered and then say: "This character's too edgy for me.
" What if he had a catchphrase that was an anti-catchphrase? Like if every time he entered the room he was like, "Whassup, bitches?" Not that, because that's horrible.
But something like that.
Whassup, bitches? - That is so dumb.
- But kind of brilliant, right? Yes, put that in.
Put all this in, this should be the show.
This should be the show.
I haven't felt this alive since the head of the Charles Regatta.
- That's a Harvard thing.
- Yes.
This is brilliant.
What if we had five minutes of him reading a book to himself? Oh, my God, yes.
Just him turning the page.
A close-up of my eyeball.
- (BOTTLE BREAKS) - The real shit, they never show that.
Wow, we did it.
We stayed up all night, but we really made something new and different and daring.
We've changed everything but the title.
Well, then, how about we give it a new title? - The BoJack Horseman Show.
- (GASPS) Oh, Cuddlywhiskers, I don't know what to say.
Well, then why don't you just say, "Whassup, bitches?" But, you know, not that.
- Something like that.
- We'll figure it out.
Seriously, can I hear 400 dollars? Let's not forget why we're here tonight.
To raise money for the John Edwards campaign.
I was talking to one of the volunteers earlier and she was just gushing about how John Edwards touched her.
I say, let's make this man president so he can touch whoever he wants.
- Four hundred dollars.
- I don't know what's cheesier, this three-cheese risotto or that dude's patter.
Seriously.
This fundraiser should have a fundraiser for a better host of this fundraiser.
Totes McGotes.
I'll post that to my Twitter page.
You should follow me.
I'm A with a circle around it, "insWayne in the membWayne".
- (DIANE SIGHS) - What's a Twitter page? (CHUCKLING) Erica, you know you're not allowed to vote in national elections.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) You sure it's okay to be in your parents' bedroom? Todd, so we've been together for months now.
Um, I was thinking maybe that we try sex? Uh We don't have to.
I don't wanna peer pressure you.
No.
I'm ready for sexual situations.
- Um - Hooray.
Um, taking your virginity.
Yeah, sure.
That's how I would say it.
Okay, here we-- Here I go.
Uh, this is Todd doing sex.
- (GARAGE DOOR OPENING) - Did you hear that? Oh, snap.
My dad's home early.
You gotta get out of here.
Your dad, the mobster? What? My dad's not a mobster.
You said he was like that guy from The Sopranos.
I said he works on The Sopranos.
He's an editor.
Oh, God, oh, God! Even worse.
He must be so desensitized to violence and nihilistic ruminations on the banality of evil.
Here, out the window.
You love shimmying, right? You know I love shimmying, but that's a two-story drop.
Use this.
- Go, get out.
Go, go! - Uh, okay.
Oh, shit.
(GRUNTS) Sorry.
(PANTING) Whoa, whoa, Tony marries Dr.
Melfi? Mamma mia! - So, the island's purgatory, right? - What's really happening-- - Hold that thought.
- (GROANS) Hey, Princess Carolyn, you came.
I figured since I'm your agent, I should at least show up to your premiere party.
I know I haven't called in a while.
I've been really busy.
I figured you'd call me if you needed a coffee.
Ouch.
Hey, big premiere tonight.
Very exciting.
Yeah.
After tonight, it's no more "Aren't you the horse from Horsin' Around?" From now on it'll be, "You're BoJack Horseman.
" I'm happy for you, BoJack.
- How about a kiss for good luck? - No, BoJack.
I'm your agent and your friend, and I will always support you.
But I'm 33 years old, and I want to have a family by the time I'm 40.
I don't want to spend the next seven years in and out of love with you.
I've wasted too much time waiting for things to happen.
And I'm not gonna wait anymore.
And for what it's worth, I always liked the horse from Horsin' Around.
- You did? - Yeah.
Everybody did.
Unbelievable.
Un-Jessica-Bielievable.
Can we not fight while I'm at a gig? There are a lot of big producers, this could be my next big break.
(GROANS) This podunk benefit is below us.
I'm about to be in what I've been told is a very important gay rights movie, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.
I now pronounce me very impressed, but I'm not getting those kinds of offers.
- As Justin would say, "Cry me a river.
" - Hey, if you like Justin so much, maybe you should just continue to be really good friends with him.
Fine, maybe I will marry Justin.
Uh, I didn't say that.
I now pronounce this marriage over.
Biel with it.
(SOBBING) - You wanted water? - Thanks.
Wait.
Blarn, right? Yeah, from the coffee shop.
What are you doing here? Is there coffee to "bariste"? I also do cater waiter gigs to make ends meet.
You "bariste" and cater and waiter? (LAUGHS) Triple threat.
I should be bringing you the water.
You know, just for the record, I think it's cool that you put yourself out there.
A lot of guys in your position wouldn't take gigs like this.
They'd be afraid people would make fun of them.
That's dumb.
If you care about what other people think, you're never gonna do anything.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Oh, my God, I'm so glad you agree.
I was like, "Why did I say that? That was so dumb.
" Then you were like, "That's right.
" And I was like, "Ooh! Validation.
" - Hey, mind if I change out of this shirt? - Go ahead.
(GROANS) This monkey suit is killing me.
Oof! Hey there, Delilah.
Sweet hang, Blarn.
You're one in a million.
- Actually, my name isn't Blarn.
- What? I put that on my nametag as a dumb joke to subvert the idea of co-opting personal identity to further corporate branding which, as I'm saying it, isn't much of a joke.
(LAUGHING) "Blarn.
" That is very funny.
You should be a writer.
Thanks.
I'm Diane.
- Mr.
Peanutbutter.
- Yeah, I know.
- Add me on MySpace, okay? - Sure.
All right.
Guess I'll see you around, Diana.
It's Diane.
Hey, buddy, slight change of plans.
Call it off.
Call the whole thing off.
What do you mean? We premiere in two minutes.
Call the network, cancel the whole thing.
Nobody wants to see me take a dump on a Horsin' Around VHS.
BoJack, it's going to be fine.
This is what we wanted, remember? Easy for you to say.
It's my name on the show.
This is why I didn't want to do another TV show.
Everything was perfect.
BoJack, this shit is bananas.
B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
I can't promise everyone will love this show.
No matter what, people will remember it.
Five, ten years from now, this is the show people will associate you with, and you'll be glad they do.
Because this show is real, it's edgy, it's different.
A lesser talent couldn't have pulled it off.
But I'm willing to bet on BoJack Horseman.
- Are you? - Yes, I am.
Great.
Because the show is starting and your life is about to change forever, in three, two, one.
(BOJACK ON TV) Whassup, bitches? Back in '07 I was in a not-successful TV show - I'm BoJack the Horseman - Goddamn What the hell was I thinkin', bro? When you're an artist Yeah, it's hard to play it safe That show stumbled hard right out the starting gate Wonder if I'm ever gonna get another chance Maybe a listicle at best Yeah, I'm not a horse, I'm an ass BoJack Boxer versus Raptor, Na-na na-na na-na na-na!