Boston Legal s03e02 Episode Script

This is abusive.
Making me leave New York? I'm gonna call my parents and tell them I'm being abused.
I promise you'll be happy.
It's the best firm in Boston.
Write down your phone number.
I don't like it.
Well, well, well, well, well.
If you're a client, I'll get you off.
- If you're not, the offer's still good.
- Okay.
Ick and double ick.
We're the new guys.
Oh, please.
If there were new guys, they'd have shown up in the season premiere.
- He's smoking, for God's sake.
- It's a personal gift from Bill Clinton.
If you only knew where this cigar has been.
Okay.
He's officially the grossest person I've ever met.
See that sign that says Crane, Poole & Schmidt? Crane.
Welcome to Boston Legal.
Jeffrey, the gross man is fondling me.
It's the official firm greeting.
Cue the music.
And on an incredibly exciting note the firm welcomes today to its litigation department two of our attorneys from the New York office.
The first-Jeffrey Coho, who will be joining us as a new partner.
Did she just say "partner"? And as a new associate- and former Supreme Court clerk, I might add- Claire Simms.
Yeah.
Don't anybody try and make friends with me.
Excuse me.
Did you say this man is a partner? She did.
I could be your partner.
- By the way, you are? - Drop dead.
Excuse me.
I realize you're new to this office but we have a zero tolerance policy here when it comes to sexual harassment.
Ha! Tubby over there groped me when I came off the elevator.
Did he grunt as he groped? Because I've found as long as he's not grunting, you're perfectly fine.
Okay.
I'll be writing that comment up.
Who do we complain to here, the old people? Sorry to intrude but there's a man here who says he could be implicated in a murder.
- Needs to speak to a lawyer.
- Claire.
How did he get dibs on that? - Have you not seen the news? It's on every channel.
- We're new in town.
Judge Marcia Hooper was found murdered last night, bludgeoned to death - in her home around 10:00.
- What does that have to do with you? - First, I worked for her.
Second, I was there at 9:00.
- In the house? In the house, in the bedroom, with thejudge.
We were having an affair.
Nobody knows this-at least as far as I know.
The question becomes:: Do I go to the police? Do I tell them I was there? I'll be a person of interest in perpetuity if they don't solve it.
- Can you stop with the pacing? You're bugging me.
- A woman is dead.
- I may be implicated in her murder.
- Fine.
Tic if you want.
Just don't pace.
The question is: Do I go forward or not? If you were in the house, the police will likely find out.
This isn't Boulder.
Well, I was routinely there.
I was her clerk.
I would drop off cases, documents at all hours.
My being there isn't necessarily suspicious.
- Your semen being there is.
- Well, I wore a condom-which I flushed.
- Ick, ick, ick, ick.
- There may be no evidence - of my semen.
- Okay.
Listen to me, Scott.
How we go forward depends on you truthfully answering the next question.
Okay.
- Did you kill her? - No.
- Did you have anything to do with her death? - No.
Then we go to the police.
In which case, my life is over.
At least my career is.
- I'm a lawyer on the come.
Any future I may- - Ick, ick.
I think he did it.
I don't defend murderers, Jeffrey- especially the icky ones.
You realize this is exactly the conclusion the whole town will come to - if it gets out that I was sleeping with the victim.
- Okay.
If this is about your reputation, hire a publicist.
Lf, however, you want to save your ass, you'll do what I tell you.
And in this case, I'm telling you if you're innocent, you go to the police.
Hmm.
Do you think she's cute? I do.
Is there a reason we're looking at her picture? We met on FaceSpace.
We've been corresponding for the last two weeks.
Today is our first real date.
She's special, Alan.
She's a lawyer.
And loves fishing.
She believes in God, guns, blowing up North Korea.
She could be the seventh one.
Denny, she looks young.
Does she know that you're not? Alan, um, Shirley sent over a client- a woman who was fired for taking maternity.
Why do I get all the issue cases? I better be getting justice here.
Tell you that.
Why you staring? I know why you're staring.
You're staring at my knockers.
I know when a man is staring at my knockers.
This here is part of the problem.
They don't let me take maternity.
They stare at my knockers.
Know what I'm saying? No way to treat a woman.
I need to file me a civil action.
Hey, new guy.
Brad Chase.
- Hello, boy.
- I can see you're good looking.
I'm sure all the women at your old firm wanted to sleep with you, but here's the deal.
- At this firm, I'm that guy.
- I can see that.
Even I want to sleep with you.
- Uh, what are you, gay? - Oh, no, no.
I'm completely straight.
Which goes to show just how attractive you are, Brad.
Jeffrey, what did I say about not coming on too strongly? - I thought you meant just with you.
- You gotta go easy, Jeffrey.
You can't just charge in here like a bull and try to take over.
- I need a body.
- I'm sorry? Claire- She doesn't do murder cases.
She finds them icky.
So I need someone who doesn't.
See? This is you taking over.
Shirley, you brought me in for a reason.
Now, was it the other reason, where my being a bull was a good thing? - That-That was a onetime occurrence.
- You didn't say "mistake.
" - That will never be repeated.
- Shirley.
Okay, you can have your body.
But it won't be mine.
- Drop Dead, how's it going? - Shirley, I'd like to know why another partner's been brought into Litigation.
- Marlene left.
- What about me? Are you leaving? I want to know when I'm going to be made partner.
When you're good enough.
I had trouble conceiving.
Know what I'm saying? It's tough while you're working and all.
- So, you're married? - No.
I went the route of the sperm donor.
Anyway, I finally thought, why not adopt? Go overseas, get me one of those Chinese babies.
You know, like Angelina Jolie.
She did it.
Why not me? So I started the process.
Got me a pamphlet, filled out the forms told my employer I planned to take maternity leave for one of those Chinese babies.
And that's when he gave me the steel toe.
That ain't legal, is it? - Is it? - I'm sorry.
I'm still getting over you being lumped into a category with Angelina Jolie.
Adoptive mothers qualify for maternity leave under the law.
I read it.
Yes.
L- Let me have a conversation with your employer.
You should also know he came on to me once.
He wanted some of this here.
- Is that a guy? - Don't be silly.
Seriously, I think it's a guy.
You had sex with her about what time? It was around 8:00.
I had dropped some pleadings off- - Where was her husband? - Uh, he was out to dinner.
- How long had this affair been going on? - About three months.
- Were you in love with her? - No.
It was just a- - a physical thing.
- You two had any recent disagreements? Small point.
Mr.
Little here is a witness.
Your questions seem to suggest he's a suspect.
Maybe it's just me.
You might try asking were there any cars parked in the street? Any strange people in the area? You know, any information that might shed some light on who killed her.
- You do want to know, right? - Do you want to let me do my job? He's hoping you'll do it.
What? You wanna ask me out? I'm curious.
Why did you go to a lawyer before you came to us? Well, I was afraid you'd consider me a suspect.
I reassured him the police never arrest innocent people.
Just doesn't happen.
I'm sure you in particular are never wrong.
- Uh, I thought you came down here to cooperate.
- You killed the moment.
- I can officially detain him.
- In which case he officially asks for his lawyer, and you can't talk to him.
What is this- good cop, bad cop? If so, send in the good cop.
That's quite a look.
Do you realize what murder case this is? Judge Marcia Hooper.
I watch the news, Paul.
Our name will be front and center.
Is this Jeffrey Coho that good? He's that good.
Denise, consider yourself on the homicide case you felt left out of.
- Report toJeffrey Coho.
He needs a body.
- Hmm.
Shirley, as lovely as the new case you sent me is- and she is delightful- I just had Jerry Espenson last week.
I need a break from this sort of thing.
I'll get the new girl to help.
She knows employment law.
You can't just assign me cases and girls.
- Girls, maybe.
- Claire.
Excellent.
You'll be working on the maternity case with Alan Shore.
Thank you.
- Hello.
- I know who you are.
You're a little horny toad.
Horny toads give me warts.
Hop away, horny toad.
Hello? - Who you? - Jeffrey Coho.
Wow.
Love a man who loves his work.
Just a couple of questions, I'll be right out of your hair.
I see you have T.
O.
D.
As 10:15.
That a precise time? Any margin of error on that? - Who hell you? - Jeffrey Coho.
But back to the time.
- You District Attorney office? - I can see you're not a fan of verbs.
Yes, I am an attorney.
Really, I'll get right out of your private business let you jump headfirst right back into hers.
And not that it's an issue, but is there any evidence that the sex was nonconsensual? I don't mean what's going on here, of course.
- Who hell you? - Jeffrey Coho.
Is it you're a verb bigot? Call security.
Which would be my cue.
Thank you.
I thought you were gonna file my civil action.
I am, but I thought we should first meet with an employment law specialist, so as to get all our ducks in a row.
Ah! Claire Simms, this is Clarice Bell, our client.
Clarice, this is Claire Simms.
Mmm, mmm, mmm! My God.
He's like a total transvestite.
Are you kidding me? It's a big black man in a frock.
This is Dolce & Gabbana, you pissy little bitch.
You cannot expect me to make a mockery out of maternity leave law with Barry Bonds.
- I have a reputation.
- So do I.
- I'll bet.
- And the shoes are Prada, ho.
Okay.
The cross-dresser just called me a ho.
- I left around 9:00.
I know I did.
- You're sure? - Positive.
Yeah.
- Then where'd you go? - Home.
- Can you verify that? I guess my mother can.
I live at home.
- Your mother? - Yes.
- Your alibi is your mother? - You say that like you don't believe me.
Mr.
Coho, Jonathan Winant is here.
He's an assistant district attorney, and he seems very upset.
Stay here.
Can I help you? - You'reJeffrey Coho? - I am, and I hear you'reJonathan Winant.
Yes.
I'm with the Suffolk County District Attorney's office.
I pulled theJudge Hooper homicide, so naturally I'm monitoring the investigation.
It's been brought to my attention that you paid a visit to - the coroner's office this morning.
- Standing a little close.
That's okay.
I'm a personable guy myself.
As a matter of fact, I like to talk to people directly and not just read the reports.
That's why I went to see the coroner.
Chatty little fella.
- Okay.
That's a little too close now.
- Here's the deal.
- I love deals.
- If you ever approach one of my investigators again I will have you arrested for obstruction of justice.
I will personally get your ticket pulled.
Do I make myself clear? You do.
And if you think I've broken a law, arrest me.
I insist on it.
You're staring.
That 'cause you can't think of anything to say, or 'cause Detective Richman told you that works? When my mind goes blank, I like to go with my old standby.
Which is, of course, "Go screw yourself.
" Do I need to include instructions with that? Everybody gives me the look.
Ahh.
Denny? It's me- Bethany.
Bethany Horowitz.
It's such a pleasure to meet you.
I'm so nervous.
We're actually meeting in person.
Wow.
She was just the most giving person- a marvelous judge and an ideal neighbor.
Why, it's absolutely heartbreaking what happened.
I know I'll certainly remember her fondly, as I'm sure others will too.
Neighborhood won't be the same without her.
It's tragic what happened, really.
Tragic.
- All right.
That guy is creepy.
- That was the next-door neighbor, Lincoln Meyer.
Now let's hear what the husband, Judge Brian Hooper, had to say.
I'd like to express my appreciation to the authorities handling this case.
This is obviously a difficult time.
My wife was an extraordinary woman.
I pray the police can bring her vicious killer tojustice.
So, how can such a little bald man like that end up with such a beautiful wife? Drop Dead, we got the client's mother coming in at 2:00.
Can you be there? - Sure.
My actual name is Denise, by the way.
- I'm sure it is.
Hey, new guy.
I take it you were mocking me before.
That doesn't fly with me.
When it comes to mockery, ridicule, sarcasm, there's a no-fly zone at 50 feet.
Otherwise, things become fractious, contentious, unctuous- No way to start a relationship.
We clear on that? Let me respond in speed, if not kind.
It was never my intent to be fractious or contentious.
I think "unctuous" seemed a little misused there, but I think I got it.
Keep my mockery, ridicule and sarcasm at least 50 feet away.
Remember at all times that girls here want to sleep with you because you're that guy.
Okay, that was mockery.
Look, it wasn't so much about the maternity leave as- Well, enough was enough.
Enough what, Mr.
Faber? There were a multitude of issues.
First, Clarice is quite a comedian.
She's an enormous Distraction.
- What else? - She runs amok of our sexual harassment laws.
- Keep going.
- Many of my women employees object to her using the women's bathroom.
- We're getting closer.
- She's not a woman, okay? What are your official grounds for the discharge, Mr.
Faber? The complaint's all drafted.
I just need to plug in the actionable buzz words.
I suppose if there was some disorder in play under the country's recently articulated and accepted one percent risk doctrine- No, if there was even one percent chance that he might harm others with his psychological - deficit- - Ding, ding, ding, ding.
We have a winner.
- Just need to add more zeros.
- W-Wait.
Look.
If you could just get him- her- not to use the women's bathroom and cut down on the stand-up comedy, I'd take her back.
And growing up such a battler, it's probably the reason I became a lawyer.
You know, it's funny.
When I was going to law school I used to daydream that one day I'd be going up against the great Denny Crane.
And here I am on a date with you.
My mother would flip.
So would my grandmother.
She's a big fan.
And maybe my great-grandmother too.
Denny, I've been here 20 minutes and I'm pretty much doing all the talking.
Are you normally this quiet? Bethany - this isn't working out.
- What? At some point in a relationship, you either take the next step or you don't.
We just got our salads.
Uh, I have to be honest with you.
You never indicated to me that you were Jewish.
And that's a problem? Not if I date you.
But what if we wanted to get married and we decided to have midgets of our own? Children.
I'd want to bring them up Christian.
- Did you just say "midgets"? - No.
Did I? See? That's another thing.
Mad cow.
It's not kosher.
You have a problem with me being a dwarf.
Oh, God, no.
Oh, no.
I love dwarves.
I actually was hoping you'd be one.
So you've already spoken to the police? I have.
I've told them everything I've told you.
And you're absolutely sure your son didn't leave the house after he arrived home? - Positive.
- And he came home after 9:30? I said around 9:30.
Are you trying to trap me, Mr.
Coho? No.
No, no.
No.
Maybe I wasn't listening as well as I should have been.
Could my son actually be arrested? Never good to leave one's semen at the murder scene.
Making love to a woman and killing her are two very different things.
Mrs.
Little, if you've been watching the news, then you can appreciate the heat on this thing.
The police will be making an arrest.
If they can't catch the real killer, then your son is going to have to do.
Assuming, of course, he's not the real killer.
- He's not.
- Are you? Sorry.
That question just leapt into my head.
I don't know why.
If you feel you can't exonerate my son, Mr.
Coho I invite you to point your finger at me.
If an innocent person needs to go to prison, better me than him.
- The city smells funny.
- Boston? Yes.
It has a funny smell.
Maybe it's that stupid cigar.
- Hey- - Well, you shouldn't smoke.
So, um, who's gonna tell her to use the men's room? Given your roaring sensitivity to date, I thought I would.
- Is it my hat? - More than likely.
How's that cigar working for you? Well, I've had better.
Here.
Hello.
Hi.
We're looking for Clarice.
- Is she here? - No.
I'm Alan Shore, Clarice's lawyer.
Yeah.
- Clarice went to the market.
- Ah.
And you would be? Her brother.
Her brother.
I'm sure you have a name.
- Clarence.
- How interesting.
You know, that sounds a lot like Clarice.
So maybe if you should ever see Clarice, you could give her a message from us.
Could you please have her call us, Clarence? We have news about her case.
Yeah.
- Want to go for a drive? - Drive? Where? Brookline.
Remember that sniveling friend ofJudge Hooper- the one who gave that gut-wrenching testimonial on television? - Mm.
- Well, it turns out Marcia Hooper got a restraining order against him six months ago.
I was thinking "children.
" I was gonna say "children" - and it just came out.
- "Midgets.
" Oh, I feel terrible.
I mean, she's a human being, Alan, and- God, I hope she doesn't put a hex on me.
Can they do that- midgets? What was she like otherwise? An attractive head, nice breasts, and that was pretty much it.
- Breasts and a head.
- How did you leave it? I just left.
I didn't know what else to do.
I just walked out.
Do you think it's possible she could've followed you here? - I don't think so.
Why? - Well- I didn't want to leave things on a bad note.
- So I wrote you a little note.
- Oh? Actually, it's a summons and complaint! See, when you called me a midget in a crowded restaurant you caused me emotional distress.
You know, it's really not a good thing for a name partner at a big firm to be a dwarf bigot! I'd hate to drag your disgraceful behavior into a public forum but I do that sort of thing.
The next time you go on Larry King you're gonna have to explain to the whole world why you hate dwarves! This is worse than a hex.
You know why she got a restraining order against you? Oh, that was the husband's idea.
- I think he felt a bit threatened by- Well, you know.
- What? The infatuation.
She was drawn to me.
It was never consummated, of course.
I'm deeply Christian.
Judge Hooper was infatuated with you? It's not something I feel comfortable talking about.
I understand that in addition to the media, you went to the police.
Oh, yes.
I was the one who told them about the boy.
- Boy? - That boy.
Scott Little.
She was biblical with him.
I'll tell you that.
I saw them together many times- doin' it.
How did you happen to see them doing it? Through the window.
I'm a "peepie.
" You're a Peeping Tom.
It's not something I feel comfortable talking about.
It was the pretext for the restraining order.
But the real reason was her infatuation.
I think she rather liked me watching.
Women sometimes like having a "peepie.
" Objection! Move to strike! - Objection! - Jeffrey Coho.
What? When? All right.
Calm down.
What? All right.
I'll meet you at the back entrance of the courthouse.
- You know where Suffolk is? - Yes.
Yes.
- I'm on my way.
- What's going on? - Police just arrested Scott Little.
- What? The details are very sketchy at this point.
You're watching live coverage.
What we can tell you is that Scott Little, a law clerk forJudge Marcia Hooper, was in fact arrested and set to be arraigned as early as this morning.
Let me tell you something, folks.
They wouldn't be haulin' him away in cuffs if they didn't have the goods on him.
My brother said you had news about the case.
By news, I hope you mean money.
Clarice, we have wonderful news.
Your boss, Mr.
Faber, has decided not to terminate your employment after all.
What's the catch? Sexual favors? Wants a little of this here? Who wouldn't? But he didn't mention that, actually.
He would insist, however, that you stop using the ladies' room.
Meaning what? Meaning you have testicles, Clarice.
What? What? For the sake of efficiency let me impart this information to both Clarice and Clarence who you may remember we had the pleasure of meeting last evening.
The truth is, men's rooms can be quite exciting, actually.
You might like them.
- They got no "bid-ets.
" - I beg your pardon? "Bid-ets.
" Men's rooms don't got 'em.
I like my hygiene.
My God.
He means "bidet.
" Mr.
Faber's not saying you can't work there as Clarice.
He's just needs you to stay out of the girls' bathroom.
Tell him thanks, but no thanks.
I'm going to look for other employment.
Wow.
I can see you're not great with people.
Why did they do it like that- the arrest? Well, my guess is they're choosing the court of public opinion.
I can respond in kind.
Don't worry.
I can be very loud.
Something you need to know about my son- He does not have the constitution to survive in prison.
You need to get bail.
I'll do my best.
But if they charge first degree- You ready? Mr.
Coho- I promise you all a statement.
It would be impossible for me to do justice to the injustice of this ridiculous arrest in a 10-second sound bite.
Excuse us.
Excuse us.
I appreciate you being here.
I encourage all of you to be unflinching in your reporting to better your chances to root out the truth, which is contrary to almost everything printed in this fiction passing as a criminal complaint.
Whose idea was that little show this morning, Detective? - Get out of my face.
- I'm in your face.
I'm gonna be up your ass.
You bump into me again, and I'll arrest you for assault.
All rise.
What in God's name is going on here? I will direct the media to stop taking pictures now! Mr.
Coho, I have a real prejudice against circus acts.
You already missed the first one, Your Honor- unless, of course, you happened to be watching television, where you would've seen a spectacularly staged arrest, proving it's never too early to start tainting thatjury pool.
The public got to see our heroic police swoop in on the apparent bad guy and perp-walk him right in front of the cameras.
Mr.
Coho, we haven't even brought the defendant in yet.
Call the case, please, and bring him in now.
Case number 62313.
Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Scott Little - on the charge of murder in the first degree- - Hey! I said no cameras! The next click I hear, someone is going into a jail cell.
- Have a seat.
- I will have no compunction about incarcerating the media.
We'll waive reading the rest of the charges, Your Honor.
We enter a plea of not guilty.
I would point out that my client has no prior criminal history.
- And I would ask that he be freed on his own recognizance.
- Opposed.
- Bail is posted at one million dollars.
- I would also ask the court - for an immediate probable cause hearing.
:00 Tuesday.
Now I would like to issue a stern warning to everybody- the lawyers, the press.
We will conduct ourselves properly inside and outside this room.
Mr.
Winant, I don't know who was behind this morning's grandstanding arrest, but it has left a foul stench.
Mr.
Coho, the legend of your mouth precedes you.
- My mouth? - This case will be decided on evidence - not antics.
- My mouth? And finally, the media.
I won't tolerate any of your hoopla.
This isn't fodder for you to sell copy.
A woman is dead.
A man is on trial.
His freedom is at stake.
You will all conduct yourselves accordingly.
Defendant goes back into custody, and we are adjourned.
Don't talk to anyone.
I hope you have cause, or you're looking at obstruction of justice.
- Just shut up, would you, please? - What's this? New discovery for your eyes only.
Then we'll talk.
Until then, I'd hold off on the big speeches.
What's that? I don't think it's good.
I really appreciate you coming back to see me.
Now take off the wig.
- What? - Look.
I know crazy people like the back of my hand.
I don't think you're schizophrenic, nor is this any gender disorder.
My bet is that you choose to assume this Clarice persona because you are a very shy man who likes to hide behind a disguise.
Admit that I'm right.
Admit I was right when I called you a ho, ho.
Does Clarice take you over, Clarence, or do you choose to be Clarice? Please.
Take off the wig.
Look at me, Clarence.
Look at me.
You have created this false personality where you feel more comfortable.
Here's a flash.
We all do it.
Everybody.
Everybody has multiple versions of themselves.
Now, the distinctions are not quite this radical but they are differences just the same.
And I think part of your problem is that you are so successful as Clarice that it's not as fun being Clarence.
It's not that simple.
Sometimes I actually think things as Clarice that I could never come up with as Clarence.
I'm funnier as her.
My brain- I think I'm even smarter as her.
Well, self-confidence can affect your brain chemistry.
I mean, look, some of the most brilliant writers in the world are the most boring people on the Earth.
But through their characters- You are living through this wonderful character you've created.
Just let Clarence live.
You are taking me to the movies tonight as Clarence.
Platonic.
Don't get any ideas.
It just so happens that I need some Boston friends myself.
So I will pick you up at 7:00.
- I-I don't know.
- Well, trust me.
I know.
:00.
I'll see you then.
Is it okay if- if I leave here as- as Clarice? It's fine.
But Clarence better answer the door when I knock.
What are you lookin' at? You peepin' at my knockers, perv? And you better not be lookin' at my ass on the way out neither.
- What? - You're fun.
- I want to see it.
- I'm not saying you can't.
- Let's just let us see it fir- - I am a big girl, Mr.
Coho.
Let me see that tape.
Sometimes when you get a dream like that over and over you wonder if it's some kind of message, you know? A message from who? - I don't know.
- He's talking to a therapist.
How did they get this? Telling you what? Maybe I should do it.
Do it? You mean, killJudge Hooper? Maybe there's something wrong in me loving her.
Then why notjust stop loving her? Because I can't.
I don't know.
Maybe he wants me to kill her.
Is that what you want? It doesn't matter.
It is doctor-patient communication.
It's privileged.
It's inadmissible.
This disc was given to us.
It is not the fruit of state action.
The courts have never pierced doctor-patient privilege.
We routinely pierce that privilege to protect against child abuse and prevent - imminent bodily harm.
- But we don't admit the evidence in a criminal proceeding.
There is a three-pronged test, counsel.
First, there must be a legitimate need for the evidence.
Here, there is.
Second, the evidence must be relevant and material.
It is.
And third, the information cannot be secured from a less intrusive source.
The Constitution has a time-honored- Actually, the Constitution says nothing about doctor-patient communication.
And as Mr.
Winant points out, this does not involve state action.
No, your remedy here is a civil one against a doctor whose conscience got the better of him.
- I'm going to allow the evidence.
- What? - You cannot be serious.
- I have made my ruling.
If you choose to appeal it, you may do so.
We are through here.
Good day.
Oh, and tell your client between now and trial not to kill any more judges.
I had the dream of choking her.
That's one of the many things I discussed in therapy.
That doesn't mean I'd actually kill her, and I didn't.
Who is "he"? You said to your therapist you thought maybe "he"wanted you to kill her.
God.
I wondered if God was somehow talking to me in my sleep.
Why would God want you to kill her? I was raised in a very conservative household.
My mother imposed a strict value system that- Let's just say I had, and still have, enormous guilt over committing adultery.
I would even say I was tortured by that guilt which is another reason I sought therapy.
Why am I here? I thought I was making bail.
Why am I still in here? Scott, your mother is working on arranging bail for you right now, and we do hope - to have you out of here by the end of the day.
- You need to get me out.
You need to get me out! And don't you look yummy.
Yeah.
Hey, look.
Clarence told me about your date and all, and- I sure appreciate what you're trying to do for him, but he got nervous, and he's not here.
- So, rain check, okay? - I see.
And who are you? Me? I'm Clevant, that's who.
I'm his brother.
Look, don't be forcing stuff, okay? When Clarence is ready, he'll be ready.
Very nice try.
But I think that Clarence is ready.
Now, how long has Clevant been around? I was just trying him out.
Yeah, well, he's staying here.
Three's a crowd.
So you ready, Clarence? - Ready.
- All right.
And off we go.
I consider myself a tolerant man.
And these midgets- Truth is, I like 'em.
They're sexy.
I've always heard about those Munchkin orgies- Hundreds of them all in a pile.
And the idea of jumping in? Oh.
Their libidos are out of whack, you know.
They can go like gerbils.
- What? - Nothing.
Just listening to the idle ramblings of the tolerant man.
And-And this one- gonna cause me trouble.
I looked her up.
She's a tenacious litigator.
They call her "the badger.
" They're vicious- little people.
Another nugget of insight from the ambassador of tolerance.
Yeah- This political correctness is out of control.
You can't racial profile.
You can't call a midget a midget.
It's all spinning out of control.
Actually, Denny, it's beginning to spin your way again.
The stigma of racial profiling has been obliterated.
Snap judgments are all the rage.
The press has already convicted this kid arrested for the judge's murder.
'Cause he did it.
My client's boss actually cited the government's one percent risk doctrine as a reason for firing him.
Transvestites are now a threat to national security.
- Did you know that? - Of course they are! Prancing around wearing disguises.
There could be a Muslim underneath all that mascara.
And the nuggets of tolerance just keep on coming.
- I like the new girl, Claire.
- Mmm.
She called me gross.
And fat.
I think she's attracted to me.
These are exciting times at Crane, Poole & Schmidt.
New lawyers, the juiciest murder case in town- a dead judge.
- Then to add to it all- - I'm being sued by a killer dwarf.
Exciting days ahead.
You stinker!