Brassic (2019) s03e02 Episode Script

1
The following programme
contains strong language,
violence and adult humour,
from the start.
(BOTH SING) There was an old lady
who swallowed a fly. ♪
I don't know why she
swallowed a fly ♪
Perhaps she'll die. ♪
There was an old lady who
swallowed a spider, ♪
that wriggled and jiggled
and tickled inside her ♪
(CHUCKLES) She
(BOTH) ..swallowed the spider
to catch the fly ♪
I don't know why
she swallowed a fly. ♪(CHUCKLES)
(BOTH) Perhaps she'll die ♪
(PLAYING "ROCKAWAY BEACH"
BY "THE RAMONES")
Chewin' out a rhythm
on my bubblegum ♪
The sun is out and I want some ♪
It's not hard, not far to reach ♪
Woah, woah!
Come on, let's have you.
- Why's he got a boat?
- I have NO idea why he's got a boat.
That's the thing with Chinese Dan.
You never know what he's got lying
around. Come on! Check this out.
A great thick idiot
will magically appear at the door.
- Hello.
- Y'alright Calvin?
I got some gear for Chinese Dan
there in van
Your mate not with you?
Small one, flamboyant shirt?
Well do you see him, Calvin?
No, so he's not here?
He's not here. No, he's not
He's not here.
Tell him to go and get Chinese Dan.
- Get Chinese Dan.
- Go and get Chinese Dan!
- Wait there.
- Oh we'll wait there.
This isn't even bloody
locked, dude.
Bloody hell fire.
- Dear, dear
- Never mind dear, dear!
Them's some good treads them, Dan.
Jesus Christ
He's not Chinese.
No. It's-It's a nickname.
Are these knock off?
Yeah, ish
What's with the boat, man?
What? You want it?
Can't shift the bloody thing!
I'm sick of the sight on it.
I've no use for a boat have I Dan?
What did you bring it up for then?!
'Cause I was bloody curious!
Curious?! Does it look like
I've got time for curious?!
I don't buy stolen goods, Vinnie.
Never. I'm an honest businessman.
- That's just complete bollocks.
- But
as a favour to you
I'll take them off your hands
for half price.
Half normal price You penis!
Listen to him. Tell him he's a penis.
He is bloody
screwing me ain't he!
You're a penis
and you're screwing him.
A penis? That hurts!
You're screwing him double time.
What's going on love?
It's me mum, Vinnie! (SOBBING)
She's gone!
She's dead Vinnie
- Oh Shit! Shit! Oi, oi!
- How come you're calling me a penis?
Go and get in that bloody van.
Get in the van.
Do your fly up!
Your shirt's sticking out of it.
Make sure you bring your mate
next time.
I will do. Sod off, Calvin!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(PLAYING "MONEY, THAT'S WHAT I WANT")
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Who is he?
He's me mate, he sounds like Orville.
Who's Orville?
Green duck, wore a nappy,
sat on an old bloke's knee.
And when I was your age,
weirdly, that were entertainment.
Giddy, come on love!
Oh Vinnie, I've run out of tea bags.
And Mum always said to
- ..make a pot of tea
- Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
It's alright, we'll get you some.
We'll get you some tea bags.
- Listen to me.
- She's gone.
Oi. When did she pass away?
Um about five minutes ago.
Christ
I rang you straight away.
- Is she, uh?
- Yeah.
Still up there? Yeah, alright
Oh! Your friend's very little.
- Well, he's seven in't he?!
- Oh.
He's a child.
Oh, I thought he was just small.
My cousin O'Sheen's that size
and he's 42.
It's a genetic disorder.
Something to do with
the soil composition
in the West of Ireland. (SOBBING)
Christ Do you want to come
and see the creepy house?
- Yeah.
- Get in there!
Who are all these?
These are dead folks, all these, love.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Even him?
- Ooh. He's new!
Giddy, sweetheart.
- Who's that?
- Oh yeah, em
He got his foot infected
on holiday in Beaverlick.
Beaverlick?!
Yeah, it's, um (SIGHS)
..where they make the chicken.
What's it called?
Eh Kentucky.
Gor, that's not a thing dude.
Not even slightly.
- Tyler?
- Yeah?
What do you want to do?
Do you wanna stay here
..or do you want to check out
Gideon's dead mum?
Will she look asleep?
Oh yes, she's still warm!
That's a really weird thing to say.
Do you wanna stay here?
What do you want to do?
- I'll go in.
- Ah!
Sickness and diarrhoea!
You're so brave dude.
Let's have a look at her th-
Ooh, Christ!
- Sat up.
- Oh, I did that.
Why has she got a brew in her hand?
One last cuppa together.
But you've no tea bags have yer?
Well, no
There's no tea in it, Vinnie.
There's no point, she's dead!
(SIGHS) Just get her ankles will yer?
Let's lie her down.
Alright.
- Mum, it's just Vinnie and Tyler.
- Some mime tea there.
(SLURPS)
It's alright, sweetheart.
Inappropriately
going under the covers to
(GRUNTS) .. just
(CAT MEOWLS) Oh, fuck!
(MUTTERS) Fuck me, man.
Why is the cat?
One last stroke of Mr Mittens.
Did he die too?
Ages ago. (SIGHS)
We're gonna need an undertaker,
y'know?
Do you know an undertaker?
I'm seven.
(BELL PINGS)
(YELLS) Once! (WOMEN SHRIEK)
It's not ping ping fuckin' ping!
It's not a children's toy!
I swear to God, people see a bell
and they're fuckin' three again!
They regress.
Would you like a fuckin' rusk
in your mouth?
Are you wearing
a fuckin' trainer nappy? No!
You don't have rusks at three.
Well, I wouldn't know, 'cause I
don't have any children, do I?
And nor do I want any,
the baldy little dribbling fucks.
What do you want?
- Vinnie sent us.
- (SIGHS) What now?
- Well, somebody's sort of dead
- Yeah
Ah, for fuck's-
I'm having me lunch!
You can tell him,
I'm not doing ANYTHING
..until I've finished my rarebit.
That's cheese on toast.
(YELLS) It's fucking rarebit!
Cheese on toast.
Sluts!
Uh, girls
Avoiding us, Tommo?
Aww, no, girls
Hey, why would I be avoiding you, eh?
Because you owe us two months pay.
- We want our money.
- Ah, huh
Girls, look, you've got it
all wrong, haven't yer?
The reason I was popping in there,
is to get you your money.
- Yeah
- So, if you'll just let me go,
for one second
See? Not bad, in't it, eh?
- (SETS OFF RAPE ALARM) Help me!
- Get him!
Rape!
Get in!
(ALL YELLING)
Ah! What the fuck?!
- Why the fuck's Tommo running?
- Get over!
Tommo, get in the back! Get over!
- (CONFUSED SHOUTING) - Hurry up!
- Go on!
- (GIRL SHOUTING) Where's our money?!
- (YELLING) What's wrong with you?
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Tommo, what have you done
to those girls?
I will kill you if it's got
anything to do with the club, Tommo!
Why don't you just pay 'em?
Yeah, great question,
Co-assistant Manager.
"Why I don't just pay 'em?"
Maybe it's because
- ..I haven't got any fucking money!
- Move.
And aside from
a few thousand ecstasy tablets,
which I can't shift because
Carl Slater's breathing down me
fuckin' neck,
I've got zero collateral.
I'll take a pill off you.
- One pill?
- Well, alright, two.
So I'll get one for Cardi.
Right. Hallelujah!
All me cash flow problems are sorted.
Do you want the sale or not?
- Hello?
- She has to be buried.
She-she hated fire.
Even on holiday,
she'd lie under a towel
- Calm down a bit.
- We got some funny looks
when we were in Turin.
She loved hymns!
All Things Bright and Beautiful.
And what's the one about
the shell suit? How did that go?
Ooooohhhhh, ooooohhhhh, oooohhh
Yer nana in a shell suit. ♪
"Ding Dong Merrily on High!"
Hosanna in excelsis.
Not your nana in a shell suit.
I don't think it matters
though, does it?
Matters to Gloria Hosanna.
She's hailed for her glory to God,
not 80s attire!
Isn't that a Christmas song?
It is. Well, yeah, it is a
Christmas song. Do you want it?
Yes, please. I'd like that,
"All Things Bright and Beautiful",
and "Living in a Box"
by Living in a Box.
Giddy? Calm yourself a little bit now.
- Sorry. I am upset Vinnie.
- It's alright.
- Go and make a cup of tea or something.
- Ooh, yes.
Just calm down a little bit.
- Is that the tea bags there?
- Yeah. - Aww, thank you.
Go and sort that out.
Do you want to go and help Giddy?
OK. What a good lad.
Look, I promised his mam,
I'd take care of him
once she'd passed.
He's like a little lad!
He's never done anything for
himself
if you're looking for a free funeral,
you can go fuck yourself.
No way, nada, nein, nicht.
Stop fucking me in German for a
minute! What about mate's rates?
- What mate?
- Me, you dickhead!
Oh, let me think about that
for a second.
Eh No!
His fuckin' mum's died!
He's got nothing and no one.
She's the only person
that ever cared for him.
Have you SEEN the price of coffins?!
Oh fuck, you are horrible. Tight that!
- Shocking.
- That's really mean. Oh that's right!
That's right, guilt trip me.
It's all my fault!
I've got cystitis and a bunion
on my right foot
but you don't see anyone
crying for me!
They are painful.
- Which?
- Both.
I know none of you know him.
Alright? I get it.
But I fucking do.
I care about him.
I feel responsible for him.
Help me or don't help me,
I'm burying his mam with dignity.
- Oh, for God's sake! Fine. FINE!
- Fuck me
Let me tell you what I can do.
There was a couple in last week,
the Kennerleys
(PINGS REPEATEDLY)
Brian and Maureen
(YELLS) Christ! Once!
Ping ping fuckin' ping
Let me tell you, this pair
..won "Cunt Couple of the Year"
competition(BELL PINGS) ..five years running.
Is that a thing?
We need gold.
Gold trim, gold handles
..and mahogany.
The finest mahogany
..known to humanity.
Oi!
Are you listening?
Yes, I'm listening.
It's the eye.
Looks like you're not listening.
It gives me the creeps.
He was looking at me, Brian was,
going on about the eye,
pointing it out, all morning!
- It's not funny!
- It's not
He was calling me Gar-eye
by the end! Asking me to do things.
Do this, Gar-eye. Do that, Gar-eye!
Raging I was with him! RAGING!
Anyway it went on like that
til we buried his mother bitch
in the ground.
- And I am not a spiteful man
- Oh, fuck off!
You're horrible.
You're a horrible man.
Alright, I'm a little bit spiteful,
but they were RUDE, Vin!
Hurtful!
(SNIFFS) And that coffin is too good
for any cunt that pushed that cunt
out of her cunt!
Tea's up everybody.
Oh, brilliant!
Fuck me!
(JAZZY MUSIC)
(MUFFLED CLAMOURING)
(MUFFLED SHOUTING)
Oww!
All sorted. No one's getting in now.
I tell you what, I'm just feeling
a bit anxious about all of this.
I've just been in the nick
for "preventing a lawful burial"
and now I'm pissing about in here
with Beth-
God, she looks boring doesn't she?
It's Gideon that's in need
of the coffin.
I'm just asking
Is there not another way,
is all I am saying?
What are you talking about?
You want a coffin, I want revenge.
It's win-win. Oh
Alright then.
But I just want to say a few words.
Bit of dignity
before she goes in the oven.
She's dead. She's had her words.
For fuck's sake, Gary, you maniac!
You're desensitized, you!
Do you know that
these are all people?
They were children.
All of them, at some stage.
She was cradled in her mother's arms-
And now she's dead, in the ground.
Dig the fuckin' earth!
(DIGGER CLUNKING)
It's funny being dead, in't it?
All that shit
everyone worries about, you know-
Oh no, I've missed me deadline!
Oh no, I've hurt their feelings!
Oh no, I've been to visit my
elderly neighbour,
and ended up road hoggin' her
in front of Countdown
When you're down there,
none of it fuckin' matters.
(LOUD THUD) Woah, woah, woah!
You'll damage the coffin!
Let's get in and do the rest by hand.
Go on, Ashley! Get in there, love.
Go on, Dildo
There we go, lad.
Yeah, mind! Mind!
(PANTING)
Have I told you I've taken up magic?
No, but now is the perfect time.
Yeah, I've been learning it
on YouTube.
Magic her alive and maybe
she could dig herself out
(SNICKERS) Oh, oh, d'you know,
I'm-I'm getting pretty good. Carol
reckons I could earn a living at it.
Do you want to
shut the fuck up about magic?
- I think we are there now.
- Hey, just
..pull top layer off. Come on.
(ALL GRUNTING)
- Looks good, that!
- Yeah.
- That's a beauty that. Look at that!
- Right, right. Shift, shift, shift!
- I'm gonna lift off the lid.
- Wait, what do you mean open the lid?
Why are you talking about
lifting the lid for?
To get her out.
Was I unclear about that?
(ALL CLAMOURING)
Yeah, you fuckin' were!
How do you think
we're gonna get a giant coffin
out of a tiny hole?
You have to up end and push!
You wouldn't move a chest of drawers
with the contents inside,
now would ya?
Fair point. No flipping way, mate.
You can count me out.
It's disgusting! It's bloody immoral
and it's degrading!
Oh by the way, to get my own back
I buried her in (GRUNTS)
..tights and suspenders.
Oh! Ooh! (ALL EXLAIM IN DISGUST)
(COUGHING)
For fuck sake Gary
Is it just me
- ..or is that still quite erotic?
- Fuck off, Tommo!
Hang about, just because I'm in
touch with my experimental side..
Can we just get on with this?
Dude, I think I'm gonna fuckin' puke.
Right, one of you two needs to
climb up there
- and help us at the top.
- I'll go.
That's a bad choice.
Right, 1, 2, 3
Careful lads. Care-Careful!
Up. Up. Up.
I'm not sure I've got him
Oh! Oh!
(ALL CLAMOURING)
You have crushed her entire body!
Dude, I think one of her boobs
just popped
Oh Cardi
That is a fucking nightmare, man!
She's fucking stiff!
She's not the only one.
You get out.
NOW!
Do you not take her shoes off?
No, she had the most disgusting
trotters I have ever seen.
Right. There you go.
Go ahead, say your words.
- Like that?
- No.
- It is like that, dickhead.
- No, it's not.
It is like that!
Go on, say your words.
Beth, listen love
(EXHALES) I'm sure
..that when you were on this earth,
you were a good
mother and good wife-
What are you doing, you dickhead?
Why've you done that?!
Come on, why don't we have a brew?
I haven't finished what I was
saying! Gary, you've ruined-
I'm sorry for nicking
yer coffin, love.
For fuck's sake
Shakedown
Dreams walking in broad daylight ♪
- Don't you want some of this?
- No, ta.
- Burning down the house ♪
- Giddy!
P-pick a card. Any card.
- OK.
- Got one?
Right, don't show me.
- Yeah, OK.
- Put it back.
Anywhere anywhere you like
- OK.
- Back in?
- It's back in there.
- Right, OK.
Alright, just now, just
On three, just snap your fingers
near the deck.
Alright?
One, two
- Three!
- Woah!
Is that your card?
Six of diamonds?
Yes
Magician! That's it.
That's a class act.
And for my next trick
Get away Aww
Magic!
Vinnie, I
I think I look plump in this suit.
Yeah, you do. I mean, yeah.
You look plump in
fuckin' everythin' don't you?
You're plump! (CHUCKLES)
I think it's cool, man.
Very sharp.
Come here, sweetheart. Put that on.
It's bloody freezin'.
Thanks. There's a good lad.
You-You're a good friend, Vinnie.
Thank you.
What are you thanking me for?
Of course I'm your friend!
I told your mum I'd look after you.
That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Well, you're a credit to your mum.
She-she brought you up well.
Maybe.
Boys need their mums, don't they?
Tha-That's what my mum used to say.
Yeah
I reckon you're definitely right
with that one, Giddy.
Christ
(PEOPLE ARGUING) Ow! Oww!
Ooh you fuckers!
Hey! Owww!
Dude, I'm sorry!
I said I am fucking sorry
Ash stop it. Stop. Stop.
Stop! The pair of yer.
What the fuck's going on?
He handcuffed us together.
What've you done that for?
- Magic!
- Fucking magic?
- He's swallowed the key.
- Have yer?
(SIGHS) I was supposed to hold it
under my tongue.
Have you got a spare one?
- Not on me.
- Why do you keep saying "not on me"?
- You don't HAVE a spare one!
- Oww!
You either have one or you don't!
Stop it!
Stop it. Stop it.
Christ
Listen, you are going to
have to fucking go.
It's a funeral!
You look like you're on
day release, lads.
Behave yourselves!
Hey.
We will.
It was my favourite trick as well.
You've upset him there.
You have bloody upset him.
- Dylan!
- What?
Why are you letting them do magic?
Do you know what I mean?
It's always my fault in't it?
("TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS"
BY OTIS REDDING PLAYING)
Oh she may be weary
And them young girls
they sure get weary
Wearing that same old
Ragged dress, yeah ♪
But when they get weary
Try a little tenderness ♪
You might not believe it, but
You know, she's waiting
Just anticipating ♪
(ALL SINGING LOUDLY)
All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all. ♪
Go on, Giddy! Give us a song!
The Lord is always listening,
To give us what we need,
Like when I've run out of tea bags
And Vinnie needs some weed ♪
Yeah! (ALL CHEERING)
OK, this is the, uh,
the main bar area.
And at the back there
is the staff quarters.
(SIGHS)
Uh, these-these are the numbers
from the books this year so far.
As you can see, obviously, 'cause of
the current climate (FADES OUT)
We commit Gideon's mum to the ground.
Earth to earth.
Ashes to ashes.
Dust to dust.
Bye, Mum (SOBS)
Jesus, Cardi
D'you think I made it worse?
Hit it in the middle
of the plastic bit
Never pay to have it sucked again.
The AutoBlow 2, Titan edition
Me-Me mum's just died.
Well, you'll need it all the more
then, won't yer?!
Motty will you fuck off
with your blowjob machine?!
Fucking Autoblow 2.
Have you improved it on the last one?
Well, the first one snagged,
didn't it?!
You are never gonna sell that, love.
Thanks for all this, Vinnie.
Eh, can I buy you a drink?
Nah, you don't have to do that.
Oh please I-I insist.
Sod it. Go on then.
Pint of lager.
Eh, pint of lager please Dylan
and whatever your having mate
Where is me wallet now?
Oh, there's so many pockets in here.
Can I give you a hand there?
(HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE)
Vinnie!
- It'll be down here
- (GIGGLING)
Vinnie that's rude!
(GIGGLES)
Oh Vinnie that
That's mum's handwriting.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
Yeah?
Well that might be a bloody note!
What does it say?
What does she mean? What does-?
Chill out, let's have a look.
Oh, looksee
"For when I'm gone." (GASPS)
Vinnie, do you think she wrote it
from beyond the grave?!
Do I?! Bloody hell, you lunatic.
She has wrote you a little letter,
and snuck it in there so you'd find it
- once she's passed away.
- Ah
That makes more sense.
- It does, dun't it?
- Yeah.
- There you go then, come on.
- Oh, no.
- Can you open it?
- Oh, Giddy love it's-
I don't know about that.
Oh please, Vinnie. I'm dead nervous.
Please
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
Alright then
Let's just get it over and done with.
Oh! What lovely handwriting!
Look at that!
Funeral instructions
Oh no, what have we forgotten?! It
It's alright. It's alright. Sweetheart,
it's alright.
I bet there's not a thing on this
list we haven't already covered.
We've had a lovely day, haven't we?!
Magic, yeah
- Yep. Yeh.
- Uh-huh.
Yeh. Yeh Mhm.
Yep
Buried at sea?
Fuck!
Cheers mate. Cardi here swallowed
the key and we don't have a spare.
Let me get this straight.
You don't want to buy it?
No, I don't want to buy it.
I want to borrow it!
- Borrow?
- Yeah.
You mean rent?
No, I don't mean fucking rent!
I want to borrow it, for a sea burial.
Our mate's mam's died!
No one's making any money on this.
We're just doing it
out of the goodness of our hearts.
Goodness of your hearts?
Let me tell you,
I once signed up to a charity once.
What happened?
Same day, crashed me car
and got Laryngitis!
And that were it.
I got out of the nice game.
How come you've got
so many keys in here?
I unlock LOTS of things.
Like what?
Doors
Hearts
Look, you said yourself,
you're sick of the
fuckin' sight of it!
We only need it
for a couple of days, man.
Come on.
- Couple of days?
- Yeah.
Let me see
Yes
..or no?
Dick.
Yes
..or no?
- Yes.
- Yeah?
- On one condition.
- Go on.
You don't bring it back.
- You what?!
- You heard!
You take it,
you sail it away
..you drop off your dead person
..and I never see it again.
Fuck me, you are hard work.
Insured is it? Eh?
Yes, as a matter of fact, it is, yeah.
But I resent the accusation.
I fuck-I hate you Dan.
I know. You're horrible.
Link the fucking thing up.
Calvin, no worries but
Oh, here, maybe take a laxative.
Poop the key out.
You might as well get your mates
to handcuff us together.
Come on.
Fucking hell mate!
Harassment, that is.
Hashtag Me Too, pal.
Tommo, stop flirting!
Get in the fucking van dude,
we've gotta get laxatives!
Christ, he's a dickhead.
All this Gideon stuff,
it's got me thinkin' about
me mum a lot.
Y'know?
Why the fuckin' hell
..do you just leave your child?
I mean let's just
If we gave her
the benefit of the doubt for a sec,
and just say
..that me dad was fucking useless,
which he would have been
and she needed some space,
that's fair enough.
But you'd come back, wouldn't you?
I'd never
EVER leave my little boy. Ever.
No, no phone call, no f
Here you are.
This is all I've got.
All I've got to remind me of her.
(SIGHS)
Nice.
She were bonny
I get these flashbacks
..to the moment she left me,
when I was little.
Y'know?
(SIGHS) And fuck, I wonder
I-I wonder in a funny kinda way,
whether
..maybe that's the reason
I don't trust anyone.
Especially girls.
Fuck I am just terrified
of falling in love,
in case they bloody leave me, y'know?
Leave me on my own
Amazing knees.
- Dickhead.
- Oh, they're smashers.
Dude, I'm pouring me heart out here
and you're just perving on me
missing mum's knees.
- You fu
- I'm just saying, she was a looker!
You should be pleased!
- Pleased?
- Yeah!
I mean, I would.
I mean not now, but
..back then I would.
Honestly, you've crossed a line here.
No, that's a good thing!
- There's your weed.
- Vinnie!
- I'm storming out.
- What?
You'd rather I'd said
she was a munter?!
Don't you crease it! Right, now
- Come up with another plan again.
- This plan
- ..is simple
- Oh?
yet genius.
Now we live on an island.
- Yeah?
- Yep.
What is an island is surrounded by?
Dylan!
We're not fucking five, Vin.
Oh w-water? Oh.
Correct!
You're fucking spot on, clever lad!
Right now, off this island,
there's another island.
Voila!
- Douglas.
- Capital of the Isle of Man.
That's right, Dyldo! And THAT
That's where we'll be sailing to.
- Are you fucking joking?
- Hang about
Why the Isle of Man?
Well, I'm glad you asked.
It's a fuckin' good question.
The Isle of Man, has a MASSIVE
boating community.
Right? This is what I think.
We do our sea burial with Gideon,
we sell that boat,
and we just tell Dan
that we sunk it all the way
- to the bottom of the bloody ocean.
- Someone's gonna drown.
- 100 percent.
- How do we get back?
You're gonna love it.
It's a win-win situation.
- The ferry.
- Ah, go on!
(CHUCKLING) Oh yeah.
Unbelievable. Genius, man. Genius.
Fuck, Dylan! What the fuck
is wrong with that plan?!
Well, let me think Uh
None of us can sail a fucking boat.
He can.
For fishing, yes.
Not across the fucking Irish Sea!
What's the difference?
Well, tides, currents,
bloody hidden rocks!
We're gonna need
like GPS, tidal maps
JJ It's a straight line,
it just lists off to the left.
I'll sail it.
Oh. Can you sail?
I've dabbled mate, in me youth.
Forward, reverse, like a car int'it?
(HISSES) Except on water.
Can I just say, yeah,
tidal navigation requires practice,
and fucking experience.
You can't sail, you cunt
Skipton reservoir.
- Yeah?
- Yeah!
Well that'll do won't it?
I mean, it's, you know,
a couple of fingers that -
Can I come? On the boat trip?
Oh, well
You might have to ask your mam.
- Yeah!
- (WHISPERS) That was a shit idea.
As long as I can come.
Listen, Erin I don't know whether
- Sug?
- No, absolutely not.
What could possibly go wrong?
Dude, we shouldn't be
doing this in broad daylight!
Oh shit.
These fishing rods
Phew!(SIGHS)
- Cumbersome
- Bloody help I can't wait
Jesus wept Dude.
Can you believe
we've had to dig her up?
Huh? Two bodies in one week.
I've pulled my groin!
Just hurry up, for Christ sake!
Oi, stop being grumpy!
We're comin' as fast as we can!
Yeah, you bellend. Why don't you
give us a hand, you lazy bastard?
In the fishing community,
this is bloody frowned upon.
They don't even LIKE humans down
there! They get eaten to the bone!
His mum's gonna turn up
in a bloody Lobster Thermidor!
- Shhhh!
- Lobster Thermidor?!
Shit Oi!
They suck your eyes out first.
Dude, what the fuck?!
Right, now we've done
everything she asked for
on that list, haven't we?
This is what she wanted Gid
Yeah, but I don't like the thought
of her down there, being
..eaten by the fishes
You know, honestly, her soul, Gid,
that's up in heaven now.
This is just a
- shell.
- Oh, so
That's just like a a vessel.
She's like a vessel! Eh?
- Shall we get her on board?
- Yes.
Let's get her on board! Come on.
JJ, get underneath, JJ
With dignity now. With dignity.
Careful now, boys
Oh fuck! Oh, my god!(ALL CLAMOURING)
What the fuck are you playing at?
What if they check the boat
at the Isle of Man?
(SNIFFS) Why would they
check the boat Ashley?
In case there are dickheads
smuggling drugs?
You should have told Vinnie
about this.
Yeah well, I couldn't tell Vinnie
because he's brought a CHILD on board.
Yeah, and you knew
he was bringing Tyler.
Why did you bring the drugs anyway?
Because I had it all worked out.
In my fucking head.
Listen. Listen. Listen, right.
I've got a contact on the Isle.
One Sniffy Jones, not his real name,
he is a mate of Gary's. Anyway
He runs hen-dos, stag-dos
and God knows what the fuck else,
so I can shift some of these,
get a little bit of cash,
pay off them strippers
and maybe, just maybe,
keep a bit to one side for meself.
(SIGHS) I don't like this Tommo.
I don't like it a bit.
Look (SNIFFS) Ashley.
We'll get to the other side, right?
I'll pop off for an hour max,
job done.
No one will be any the wiser.
(GROANS)
Will they?
(FARTS) Oh
Oh yeah, yeah it's happening now.
The laxatives are working. Go on,
I'm gonna shit myself. Hurry up.
We really didn't think this plan
through
(MOANING)
Tyler, you be careful there you!
Oh, its so wobbly!
Is it gonna be like this all the way?
We haven't even left yet.
We're still tied up, Giddy, love.
Vinnie, I've got no sea legs.
I'm gonna be sick.
Are you bloody hell gonna be sick.
Oh, I am. I feel awful.
If you stand on one leg
and touch your nose,
you can't be sick.
Really? Is that true?
- That's a thing.
- Yeah.
Try it.
I'll try it.
Okay
Ooh
Oooh!
- Hey, it's working.
- There you are!
Oh!
This sickness has left me
(RETCHES VIOLENTLY)
Oh!(EVERYONE GASPS)
Gideon, man!
(RETCHING, SPLUTTERING)
Christ, why is it so yellow?!
I had battered sausage
with curry sauce
(SPATTERING NOISES)
(GROANS) Hurry up, will you?!
Hurry up?! Do you think I'm fuckin'
wanting to be down here,
fishing through shit?!
Vinnie, I feel awful!
- I know, sweetheart.
- I feel like it's gonna last forever!
It's not gonna last forever.
- Let's get you in this toilet here
- Yes, please!
(DOOR RATTLES) (RETCHING)
Is there someone in there?
We're busy!
- The key best be here, man.
- Guys listen!
No, no, no, no.
We have got a situation!
Gideon's throwing up in the sink!
Oh, we have got a situation as well!
Would you believe? Fuck.
I've got a fucking situation
too, dude!
(SQUELCHING SOUNDS)
Dig through it!
- Dig through it?!
- Dig through it!
Dig through it?!
What do you think I'm fucking doing?
- I'm digging through it.
- You're not digging THROUGH it!
You're just going in and out.
(SQUELCHING)
- What are they doing in there?
- I dunno.
- What are you fucking doing in there?
- What are they doing?!
I don't know dude.
It looks fucking ridiculous.
I'm coming in!
- No! Do not fucking come in!
- Do not come in here!
Do not!
- Woah! Eugh! Ah!
- Don't come in!
Don't! Don't fuckin' come in here!
(RETCHES)
Vinnie! (RETCHING)
Right!
Are we ready to set sail?
(COUGHS) Yeah, yeah
Right, JJ, dude.
We really need to make sure we're
hugging that coastline.
Right.
- If we follow the coastline
- Sorry darling.
..all the way to Barrow,
there's less chance of
veering wildly off course.
Then we can just
hop across to the Isle.
And dude, watch out for sandbanks.
Don't look at me.
Literally, stare over there.
Alright?
Alright, gorgeous girl?
- It's nice in't it?
- It's lovely, yeah
Do you know what it reminds me of?
What?
- Titanic
- Mmm!
It is a bit Titanic.
- Do you want to do it?
- Yeah.
- Yes?
- Yes, I want to do Titanic.
Alright.
- Do you trust me?
- Yeah.
Well, not really. 65 percent.
(CHUCKLES)
Right, OK, now put your arms out.
Alright.
- Close your eyes.
- OK
Right, now
Right, open them.
It's quite nice in't it?!
It's like we're flying isn't it?!
Christ, you're so beautiful
Ah! (SCREAMS)
Shit! Oh my god! (EVERYONE SCREAMING)
JJ I warned you!
What going on?
I think we hit the sandbank!
Vinnie! Vinnie! (EVERYONE YELLING)
Erin!
Man
I'm adjusting that percentage by
..sixty percent, dude!
Chuck me the fucking ring!
Dickhead! What fuckin' use is that?!
See you in Antarctica, love!
(SHOUTING, SPLUTTERING)
I'm coming round, I'm coming round!
Hang on!
(GASPING)
It's bloody freezing!
(GROANS)
Vin
Yeah?
I've summat to tell you
Oh yeah?
It's about the Rat and Cutter.
What about the Rat and Cutter?
I'm the new owner.
(CLEARS THROAT)
How does that work?
I got some money to set it up.
Like, do proper nights.
Not just about women shaking
their tits about.
- I mean like a different vibe, you know?
- Hmm.
Where have you got the money from?
- I mean, it sounds dodgy.
- It's not dodgy.
I got I loaned it.
I borrowed it from some
Yeah, I borrowed it.
- You got a loan?
- Yes.
- I got a loan.
- Well, where from?
The bank.
- The bank?
- Yes!
I got a loan from the bank
..to get it reopened, yeah.
- The bank gave you a loan?
- Yes.
- Where
- Vin!
Where does Tommo fit in, tell me that?
He is Co-Assistant Manager.
Oh, fuck, he's gonna lose his shit.
I know.
Vin look, it's a means to an end.
You know?
So I can get money together,
so I can start making some plans.
- Like, I did it at college didn't I?
- Mhmm.
Business, Hospitality and all that.
- I know.
- I'm good at it.
I know
Are you telling me porky pies?
No.
I hope you're not
telling me any porkies
Vin, I'm not lying.
I just love you and that boy.
I just don't want anything
happening to you, ever.
Do you understand me?
Hmm?
Yeah.
Fuck!
(YELLS) What the FUCK?!
(TALKING IN UNDERTONES)
For FUCK'S sake!
Huh Dog bummers.
Huh! Warrant to search the premises.
Out the fucking way!
- Don't touch me!
- A coffin's gone missing
You creep!
Violating a grave, Gary.
Undertaker.
(HISSES)
Imagine the reaction!
You'll be Britain's Most Hated Man.
What do you think, Hoskins?
Uh, criminal record, career over
Yeah, you might be right.
Unless
Unless what?
Well, I'm just thinking aloud sir,
but sometimes things can, uh
go away.
Go away?
And how would it just
go away?
Well, perhaps he's not
the real perpetrator?
Perhaps there were
other people involved
You want me to rat?
I want you to tell me
where O'Neil fits in
and where he is now.
Alright, so where are we now then?
- Do you want to tell him?
- Where is it?
There!
Oooh!
Good lad.
It's going quite well innit, eh?
Not bad.
Oh ye of little faith. (CHUCKLES)
Vin, no! It's not what it-
- It wasn't us! Vin!
- Let me explain
- It wasn't us!
- Get the fuck outside!
- Get off me!
- No, no, Vinnie! You fucking mug.
- What the fuck?!
- Dude!
Dude, don't hit me!
They're Tommo's, man.
- Why-?!
- We didn't know, alright, until it was too late.
Why the fuck has he brought them?
To sell them to Sniffy Jones,
to pay the strippers!
It was nothing to do with us.
I told him it was a bad idea, Vin.
Oi! Dickhead!
Vinnie! VINNIE! I can explain!
I don't want your explanations.
There is a little lad onboard.
Why didn't you tell me about that?
I-I KNEW you'd disapprove, you see!
What, so you just
fucking did it anyway?
Vinnie! Vinnie! I am fucked, right?
I'm getting heat
left, right and centre!
Have you ever dealt with financially
disgruntled women?!
I just fucking can't believe
you've done
(BOTH GRUNTING) Get off me!
(SCREAMING)
Stop Stop it!
That's thousands of pills, right?!
Thousands of 'em!
If we get caught with them,
that's YEARS in the pen.
And Carl Slater will make
fucking damn sure of that, won't he?
Now listen, Tom.
- They are gonna have to go overboard.
- No, no, Vinnie!
Vinnie. Vinnie. Listen to me.
Listen to me right
(GRUNTS)
Fucking little bastard!
Come here, shithead.
Come here, you little bastard!
(GROANS) Oh, shit!
Where have you fucking hidden them?
(GRUNTING)
Stop fucking about!
I'll put you through the fucking wall!
- Where are they?
- Vin, I can't fucking do it!
Get off me, you cunt!
- Come here
- Get off me!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
I'm not fucking about!
SHIT!
Look what you've made me do,
you dickhead!
Listen to me. You don't understand.
Me little lad's
on this fucking boat, Tommy!
Your lad?
Yeah, he's fuckin' mine! Alright?
And his dad's not going back in jail
for love nor fucking money.
Never mind a load of pills!
(SIGHS)
You're my dad?
Yeah.
Yeah, I am, yeah.
I mean it wasn't meant
to come out like that
But yeah, I am. I'm your real daddy.
Mum?
(TUTS)
Um OK
Right, the reason why
we didn't tell you
is because Mummy
was with Dylan, OK?
And and Dylan
wanted to be your daddy as well.
Come here a sec. Listen.
Just listen to me a minute.
Sometimes
grown-ups get things really wrong.
Y'know?
And for the longest time
I just didn't know
I didn't know I was your daddy.
But now I do know.
And you are the best thing
that's ever happened to me
in my entire life.
Can I have a squeeze?
I love my boy.
Shall we go and sail the boat?
Yeah?!
Come on, sausage.
Come with me, buddy.
Can you see any whales?
No
Can you see any dolphins?
Can I have a kiss?
Nom nom nom. Mwah!
I tell you what Tyler,
you are doing such a good job!
Woah! Straight, straight, straight!
Woah!
(LAUGHING)
From the top of my head
Down to the tips
of the toes on my feet
So go ahead and love me
While it's still a crime
Don't forget you could be laughing
Sixty-five percent
more of the time
You could be laughing sixty-five ♪
percent of the time ♪
God help me.
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on the snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle Autumn rain
It's the fucking cops.
Hey! It's the fucking cops!
- I am the..
- What?! Eh?!
Shit!
The police?
Well, we've done nowt wrong. We've
nothing to worry about, have we?
(GASPS) Do we need a permit
to bury her?!
(CLAMOURING) What-what-what-
What if we've crossed a border?!
What if they think we're pirates?!
- Giddy. Calm down.
- What if they make us walk the plank?
- I've got my best shoes on!
- Gideon, stop it!
Calm down.
What's happening?
Nothing, nothing! We're fine, OK?
We're fine, we're fine.
Tommy!
Tommy. Hey!
The fucking sea police are out there!
We've gotta throw 'em over
or we're gonna get
fucking banged up, man!
- What if they float?!
- Shit.
Ah! Shit, this is bad,
this is really fuckin' bad!
Just give them to me.
I'll do it on the sly.
Just fucking hurry up man!
Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie
If they're outside and they film it
and they catch you doing that,
that's you in the shit.
If anyone is going down for this,
it's me.
- Hang on. Hang on.
- What?
I've got it.
- She is still up there
- Mmhmm.
The mother, she hasn't gone in yet.
Hmm.
Get out. Fuck, I'll do Gideon.
(GIDEON STILL BABBLING)
Oh here's Vinnie.
Come here, sweetheart.
- Are you okay?
- I'm alright. I was just
Cover me so they can't see
what I'm doing.
I know, yeah Yeah. I know that.
So, um, listen to me.
It's just like that poem said,
innit, you know
Do not stand by my graveside and cry,
- for I was not there
- There we go love!
Think of it as one last high.
- She did die though, didn't she, Vinnie?
- Well, yes, physically.
(POLICE SIREN BLARING)
She was cold, stiff as a board!
Dude, it's poem talk.
She is in there.
Shall we sit you down?
- Maybe say a few words?
- OK.
Alright, sweetheart.
(POLICE LOUDSPEAKER)
Do not throw anything from the boat!
Fuck!
Bye, Mum.
You were the best mother
a son could ever have.
You were always there for me,
through good times and bad.
Like when Martin McCulloch
used to pick on me,
and I'd come home crying.
You'd wipe me tears
(POLICE SIREN BLARING)
- (LOUDSPEAKER) Turn off your engines!
- and make me crumpets,
with honey on them
And IN she goes!
(SHRIEKS) Oh Mum!
Goodbyes should be sudden.
Bye, Mum
Should we get arrested?
Hey, yeah why not, eh?
(LOUDSPEAKER)
Do not throw anything overboard!
Cold, cold eyes upon me they stare
People all around me,
and they're all in fear ♪
Hey, you couldn't release
them for us, could you?
No.
Who's my special little man?
- Me.
- Is it you?!
Listen to me.
No matter what happens,
I will never ever leave you.
Do you hear me?
Alright?
Go to sleep. My boy
I wish he were my dad.
Having hard times
In this crazy town
Having hard times
There's no love to be found
Having hard times
In this crazy town
Having hard times
And no love to be found ♪
From my party house,
I feel like meeting others
Familiar faces, creed and race
a brother
But to my surprise
I find a man corrupt
Although he be my brother,
He wants to hold me up
Having hard times
In this crazy town
Having hard times ♪
- We're on the way.
- What's going on?
Something's happened with Doolan.
He's been kidnapped.
You won't let us down Vinnie.
We are asking you
to save a man's life here!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
We are doing this by the book, boys.
We're gonna go to them kidnappers.
(TIRES SCREECHING) Ah, Fuck!
We're going to drop
that money off, save Doolan,
be bloody heroes,
and off we go
to Tyler's birthday party.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(CRASHING SOUND)
You know when he said Isle of Wight,
do you think he meant Isle of Man?
I've got soul control in my mind ♪
Hey, it's-I'm alright.
Soul control in my mind
Give me the strength to carry on
'Cause everything I got
is just about gone
And I think about it ♪
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