Catastrophe (2015) s03e02 Episode Script
Season 3, Episode 2
1 I think, with your experience, you'll get something no problem.
- Also you're a handsome fella.
- Thank you.
Oh, no, I'm not coming on to you.
I'm just saying it's easier to place attractive people in advertising.
Like, last week, we had this guy in and he'd a great CV, tonnes of experience, but he also had an eye patch (HE SNIGGERS) like the pirate kind.
Nowadays, you're not even allowed to ask, "What happened to your eye?" - but you want to know.
- Oh, totally, I'd be curious.
Like was he pulling clothes out of the drier and he pulled too hard and his hand slipped and he punched himself in the eye - while he was holding his keys? - Maybe.
And them, the other thing is, what's behind the eye patch now, like is it just a gaping ? Anyway, legally, you can't not hire somebody like that, but at the same time, you're not going to hire 'em.
Right.
Er so, where have you been the last three years? - Have you been on holiday? - (THEY LAUGH) Er, no, um, I worked at Braeband Ah! the pharmaceutical company, but, um, it's a bit delicate.
Oh.
Well, let's hear it.
0K, um, a woman who worked there made a complaint against me, sexual harassment, but it's not true.
I mean, it's very untrue.
Right.
And look, when a woman makes a complaint of sexual harassment, 99% of the time, it's based on reality.
I know that, you know that.
- It's important to believe women - Mm-hm.
.
.
because, sometimes, people unfairly side with the man, you know, and why would anyone side with the man? I'll tell you why, 0K! Because, sometimes, the man is me and it didn't happen, so, procedurally, I'm very glad that they heard her side of the story, but the other side of the coin is that she's a liar and I didn't do it.
Oh, you speak French.
That's cool.
This programme contains strong language.
This is nice, isn't it? This has gotta be one of the perks of being unemployed, right? Doing this together? when was the last time we did this? How'd your interview go? I don't know, I don't know how it went.
- It's going to take a while, isn't it? - Yeah.
| just hope a while means eight to ten days and not we all die of scurvy cos we can't afford citrus.
We're not going to die from scurvy, cos I'm going back to work.
I'm quite looking forward to it, actually.
It'll be nice to be around kids who don't want to sit on my lap - when I take a piss.
- What about our kids? - What's the plan there? - What's the plan there?! The plan is what we said the plan is - you'll do it.
Yes, I'll do it, if you don't want me to get a job.
We're going to have to get someone to help.
What about Anna? She's great.
She's not great.
She's a pulse and she knows our kids' names, - ONE of our kids' names.
- Oh, come on! What? You don't have to defend her just cos she has big jugs.
Does she have big jugs?! (SHE LAUGHS) Look, it's just drop-offs and pick-ups, do your interviews in between, and then, when you get a job, we'll make a better plan.
We just need to get organised.
I agree, I just don't think we should be bigoted against someone just because they have big jugs.
0K, Mandela.
Hey! - Hi.
- Hi! Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Who's that? Oh, that's Cross-eyed Christian Fitness Mam.
Don't worry, you'll get to know them all soon.
- Do you like that wine? - Yeah, it's lovely.
It's a Sauvignon Blanc, but not as you know it.
It's a 2013.
- It's proper nice wine, that.
- Right.
- I mean, you can tell me how much it costs, if you like.
£18.
50.
- You're very generous.
- Thanks.
You're a sneery arsehole.
(SHE LAUGHS) So, your folks are already back in Ireland? Yeah.
They didn't settle here, to be honest.
Ah! I mean, they gave it a good half an hour.
I don't think he'd admit it, but I think the area was just too black for Dad.
I mean not like, "Get off my lawn!" but he'd roll up his car window any time a gentleman of colour walked by.
Or a black guy.
- Or anyone in a burka.
- Turban? No, doesn't really mind those lads.
So, we wanted to see youse, COS WE have some NEWS.
- We're moving to Spain.
- What? Why? Well, Mallandra wants to spend some time with her parents.
I mean, they're super old.
What age is your mum? - 66?! - Mm-hm.
Jesus, I thought I thought it was Anyway Anyway, it's give-and-take, isn't it? - Wait, she's really only 66? - Mm-hm.
(FERGAL SIGHS) What are you going to do there? Mmm? Oh, I can make money anywhere, I just need a laptop.
(SHARON LAUGHS) That'll be your new life now - trying to get a line with a modem.
(SHE IMITATES AN OLD MODEM) Beep-bop! Beep, bop, bop, bop! - What the fuck is that? - Spanish internet.
We have Wi-Fi in Spain.
(SHE SCOFFS) No, you don't.
Anyway, it's going to be sunny and brilliant.
The house we've got there, or nearly got there, you should see the place, it's like a Spanish palace.
It says it's nice, but you wouldn't take a shit in it if it wasn't Spain.
(BANJO MUSIC) - What did you think about all that? - I think good for him and I'll see him in three months when they move back here.
(SHE GROANS) I feel a bit jealous.
Why? You'd hate living in Spain.
You know, there's more British people there than there are here, and, PS, they all voted leave.
You're talking about the Costa del Sol.
They're not moving to shitty British people Spain, they are moving to real Spanish people Spain, which is lovely.
Well, neither of us could get work.
I don't think you can learn a new language once you're over 40.
We'd starve to death.
(SHE LAUGHS) Aw! Shall I put Frankie back into his own bed? I like hearing his little snores.
Aw! I was just, er I was just thinking that maybe we should have some sex.
Goddamn it! What? I just jerked off.
What?! - Why? - Well, you and I haven't really been Where? - In the basement.
- In the basement? Oh, well, that makes me feel shit.
You know everyone noticed at dinner? Noticed what? Noticed that we're not getting on the same.
They didn't notice.
Well, Mallandra asked me what was wrong.
- Did you tell her? - Tell her what? - That you fondled a student penis.
- Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
When are you going to start liking me again.
I like you.
Well, you're acting like you don't.
You're acting like Honey! Your response when I told you I flirted with someone at work - Come on, it wasn't about the ? - was to kick me out of my home, OK? You had the female response, which was to go nuclear and try to destroy our family.
I'm having the masculine response, which is to bury the pain and jerk off in the basement rather than touch you.
I can't keep saying sorry.
If I could cut off the hand that did the, you know, I would.
Well, I would endorse that if you having fewer hands wouldn't fuck up my life and make it more difficult.
(SHE SNORTS) The ancient Egyptians made medicines (KNOCK ON DOOR) out of extraordinary things.
Caster oil OK, back in a second.
What's up? - Mr Humphreys died yesterday.
- What? Just found out.
No way.
Oh, no.
Poor fucker.
- Yeah.
- Oh, what was it? No! What?! Oh, my God! (SHE GASPS) You know he asked me out one time, for coffee, when I first started here.
I said no.
I don't think that's why he did it.
- No, of course not, I wasn't saying - Because he was gay.
Oh, right! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I know that.
- You ready to boogie? - Yeah.
Let's do this.
So how'd you get here? Did you take a, um .
.
not a rectangle, not a carriage but the newer Red, you know, the thing that we do now to travel and you pay.
- A bus? - Yes.
Yeah, they said that's going to happen for a while.
Oh, wow! - So, what's this place like? - Yeah, you know, it's your average in-patient chemical dependency unit for men.
- How are you? - I've been better.
Um, I found out while we were taking our little break, Sharon managed to jerk off a young boy.
- No! - Yeah.
22, 23 max.
Dude, that's terrible! Yeah, it is, er, and I still don't have a job.
I've had some interviews, but actually, I was going to ask you if you'd any contacts you could hook me up with? Sure! Sure, I could Hm.
- What? - What? 0h, fuck, man! I mean, there is nothing happening up here! I don't know what I was going to say.
- OK.
- Don't worry, it's going to get better.
It's just cos I was dead for a little while.
(DAN SIGHS) Imagine how hard a 22-year-old boner must feel.
Terrible news about Mr Humphreys.
Oh, my God, it's terrible.
It's - I wonder if he - He was very troubled, as you know.
- Yeah, but he always seemed - Bi-polar.
The silent killer.
Except when he was manic, then he would make quite the racket.
(SHE LAUGHS) Well, yeah, but I don't think you can say At any rate, we are keen to find someone - temporarily at least to take the role of head of upper join juniors.
- Right.
- just while we find out where we are.
Right, right.
- Oh, me? - Yes.
Oh, um - OK.
Right, um - Yes? - Um - You'd need time to think it through? - Is it going to be more money? - Yes, not a big difference, but It would be an honour.
Are you Frankie's dad? - Ah, Yeah.
- I was expecting to speak to Doesn't your Irish wife usually pick up? She's my only wife.
I'm Wilf's mum Polly.
- Woof? - Wilf.
OK.
Just very quickly, because I have to pick my mother up from Liverpool Street and take her to her hair appointment.
Right.
And it's a bit embarrassing, but very quickly, I'm afraid your Frankie bit my Wilf on Friday.
Really? Frankie? Yes.
Bit him twice on his arm, left a mark.
I'm sorry.
Which one's Wilf? Green jumper.
(WILF ROARS) - Oh, wow he's a big fella.
- He's very gentle.
Anyway, I don't want to involve the school.
No, I don't see why that'd be necessary.
Well, hopefully not.
0h, there's my keys Hello! "What the fuck?" Maybe Frankie in self-defence as a last resort bit him or, you know, maybe he sat on Frankie and Frankie bit him, just so he knew he was there.
Well, you know what? She's probably biting her own son.
(HE LAUGHS) She got a load of attention when her baby was massive and now he's just a massive four-year-old, so it's less interesting, so she starts biting him.
Ask her for photographic proof.
- You ask her.
- I don't have her number.
- I'm not asking her.
- What did, er, say when you asked him? (ROB SIGHS) He said he didn't do it, - but he's a liar.
- Oh, come here! I got a promotion today, because somebody died.
Oh, no! But that's great.
Yeah! I know! I'm really flattered.
I have to organise the memorial for him, so that'll be a bit But you know, still.
- Right on.
Er, is it good money? - Yeah! Yeah, it's great in teacher money.
In real money, no, it's shit.
Isn't that inspiring? I just started back and my career's basically on fire.
A couple of years from now, I could be Secretary of Education.
- How was your interview? - Oh, it sucked.
My new thing is I sweat, like rolling cascades of sweat down my body.
Eugh! Why? Because the school run is like a contact sport and they're so filthy that, after I get home, I have to take a shower and, after I take a shower, I sweat for at least 21/: hours, you know that, and I don't have a reference from Braeband, so that's making me sweat.
Well, just try and relax a little bit, you know.
Maybe use it as an opportunity to make a little joke.
Like make a joke about their air conditioning.
If they hire you, - they could afford air conditioning.
- Yeah, I'll try that.
And you know what? (SHE WHISPERS): Fuck Braeband! Tell them you've been a stay-at-home dad for the last three years.
I'd like to see any of them try that.
You're a hero.
I mean, you're not, but they don't know that.
For the last three years, I've been fathering domestically, which is to say I've been a stay-at-home dad.
I'm lucky enough to have a wife who's made that career possible.
Oh, what does your wife do? My wife? Oh, she, um you know, on planes You know the air vents? Like the nozzles that blow cooling air onto you? My wife did a redesign of those and patented it and sold it to Boeing and Airbus.
And a Chinese planes company.
You missed a button on your shirt.
Oh! No, I didn't, my, er my son tore it off this morning.
- Do you have a safety pin? - No.
If you hire me, you'll do so well, you could afford air conditioning.
Oh, you have it? OK.
I'm so hot.
I was wondering if I should get the kids to write a little thing about Mr Humphries for the memorial.
That'd be moving, wouldn't it? I just wrote a little something and I just moved myself.
Well, people don't really care when someone in the corporate world dies I mean, I just want to do something that's just, you know, the same old Like, I want to honour him and I want the kids to know that it's OK to be messed by all this and also, and this is third down the list, but also, let them know that there's a new sheriff in town .
.
of upper juniors.
That book must be fascinating.
What are you reading? Pinochet's autobiography? Christ! It's not an autobiography, it's a biography.
What would his autobiography say? I'm amazing.
Nothing's wrong.
I'm planting flowers.
- Yeah, I guess.
- What are you reading? I'm reading The Sun Also Rises.
It's a proper book.
You've been reading that since we met.
Are you memorising it? Because, you know, if you going to be secretary of education, you want to try ready more than one book every four years.
Well, that's mean.
Oh, by the way, I told your air conditioning joke today and I looked like a fucking idiot! So, thanks for that.
Well, you probably told it wrong! You don't tell an interviewer you're stay at home dad.
I mean, that's fine to say a garden party or in Sweden, but not here.
- OK? - OK.
But.
Over here, men work in real jobs, do you understand? Er, hang on a sec.
Um, so I spoke to Frankie and he said he didn't do it, so And anyway, I think it might be a case of, you know That is the world that we are trying to get you a job in.
I'm sorry, I don't think it's good enough just to say he didn't do it.
- Can I just finish this call? And - Wolf's lost a lot of confidence over All right, first interviews are about, can I work with you? Are you a prick? He wet the bed last night for the first time since last week.
Look.
I would like to settle this And I'd like for my son to be able to attend school without fear of being disfigured.
Is there a piece of your son missing? Did my son bite a piece of flesh out of your son? - No - I don't have a job right now.
OK? I am unemployed and as a result, my family might not have a home soon.
OK? So I have priorities.
Well, my son is my priority.
Just tell me what you want me to do! Do you want to bite my son? Would that help? Do you want me to bite him? Hey! Wolf! Do you want to bite Frankie? Just tell me what you want me to do! - Rob? - What? We just got an interview for you at Berkley Capital.
They'd like to see you this afternoon.
Wow! Really? Well, that's great.
Well, that's wonderful.
Did you hear that? Derek Humphries was a beloved teacher.
He loved music and he loved jokes he enjoyed having fun.
We all remember the time he printed permission slips for the Easter Field trip on the wrong-sized paper and passed them out anyway! Ms Norris and year five have prepared a musical tribute to his memory.
Ms Norris, I'll let you introduce the performance.
Hi Ooh! Sorry, bit nervous.
Hi.
Yeah, so, I just wanted to say that Well, we all loved Mr Humphries.
I'm sure some of you are troubled by the fact that he took his own Erm What he did.
Um, and, I don't think I'll be do my job as head of upper juniors if I didn't say that if any of you are thinking of doing something like he did, then, you know, don't.
Er, my door's always open Um, I mean that.
It's hard.
It's hard being a kid.
I know that.
Um I've had tough times in my life, from about 22 to about Yeah, maybe 34.
I had tough times.
I had acne in adulthood.
A lot of times people tell you you wrap all that up in your teenage years.
It's not true for everyone.
So, er, yeah! Year five are going to perform a song we wrote about Mr Humphries, so, er, up.
They rehearsed very hard, so if any of you feel like, you know, dancing, or swaying, then just go right ahead.
No dancing.
OK.
(THEY PLAY TUNELESSLY) Let's just start again because Kira started, er OK.
(THEY SING AND PLAY TUNELESSLY) Well, I grew Fry & Lowe up from nothing to a $100 million a year firm, thanks mainly to securing a 360 deal with Jeff's cola.
Right, right.
You know, I haven't been in the field for a while, but, I've got a thick-assed book of contacts, Niramax, P&G, Glaxo, Elron Right.
Pharmaceutical firms.
Is that for your time at Bray Band? Er - Well - Didn't you do a stint at Bray Band? Yeah.
But it's not on my CV, so how Susie my assistant used to work there.
She recognised your name.
Shady place.
I've never known folk to leave it off their CV.
Well, the reason for that It doesn't really matter.
What is concerning me right now is that you smell of alcohol.
I met a friend for lunch and I had a beer, but You had a beer? A beer? Mate, it if you had a beer, then I had lunch with Princess Diana.
You had lunch with who? Princess Diana! I'm sorry, it's just very difficult to understand you.
You don't have to understand me, because you won't be working here.
Well, good because I don't want to work at your Scottish whistle factory.
I'm Welsh, you idiot! Whoohoo! Newsflash! I know.
I said that to upset you.
What is upsetting to me is you're still sitting here.
Well, get ready to be excited, because I'm leaving.
You should take a good, long look at yourself, mate.
And you should take a long listen to yourself and I think you'd like what you hear, because your accent is adorable.
- I've got to go.
- Oh, don't let me stop you.
I shan't! You're a cutie pie.
Have a fantastic day.
I don't know why it sounded like that.
I think, you know, Kira started out of time and the rest followed her because she's so, you know, developed.
I mean, tall.
Thank you for the performance, Ms Norris, although I didn't see why you needed to mention that he was gay.
You can't whitewash history.
I think reference to a teacher's sexuality, gay or straight, is inappropriate for primary level.
Really? Well, why don't you do the next memorial then? I'd be happy to.
Great! Great.
Well, I hope you don't do MY memorial, because I'm not ashamed of MY sexuality and I'd want it all out there! No talking! How long do you think it would take you to get a head teaching job? I'm never going to get a headteacher job.
You should have seen my assembly today.
It was a car crash.
- Did anyone film it? - What? Jesus, I fucking hope not.
Hey.
How would you feel about putting the house on the market and getting a smaller place? Oh Um Well I mean, why have the pressure of this monster mortgage? Yeah, but, you're going to get something, right? And is always Bray Band.
I mean, you could always I mean Honey, I don't want to work for those kind of people any more.
It's too stressful.
I want to be alive in 20 years.
I want to meet our grandchildren.
Yeah, we all want that, but you got to strike a balance.
Of course, I don't want you to die TOO young, but you can't have a stress-free job, because who the fuck are you? Why should your job be a picnic? Kids in China are in mines.
I don't care about Chinese people.
Are you really worrying? I'm fine.
Because we've got a lot to be grateful for, you know? You should remember that.
We've got our health.
You say something now.
We have a beautiful, curious, amazing daughter.
And Frankie.
Yeah, we've got good teeth.
We have a restaurant quality blender.
Hey, we could sell that! You like me again? I'm trying not to, but, it's not going very well.
I'm sorry your assembly was a car crash.
It's OK.
I don't even really I just wanted to make you proud of me.
Just make you forget all the other shit.
I really want to keep hugging you, but you just Jesus, you really stink of cheese and onion crisps.
Do you make them now? With your body? Fuck, it's overpowering.
Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream Stop it, Wolf! Ice cream, ice cream Please, stop it! Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream (CAR HORNS BLARE) Please don't hit me! What? No, no.
I wasn't I was just go to I'm sure Frankie didn't do it.
I mean, look at him! He's a savage! I hate him.
Oh, God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry! I'm sorry I shouted at you.
I'm sure Wolf's a great kid.
Yeah, he lied about Frankie, but so what? We're all just doing our best.
I mean, look at me! I'm a mess! I can't provide for my family, I have diarrhoea every day, I have secrets inside of me that Ow! Frankie! Son of a It's crazy that he did that for you to see! I swear to God He's never done that before!
- Also you're a handsome fella.
- Thank you.
Oh, no, I'm not coming on to you.
I'm just saying it's easier to place attractive people in advertising.
Like, last week, we had this guy in and he'd a great CV, tonnes of experience, but he also had an eye patch (HE SNIGGERS) like the pirate kind.
Nowadays, you're not even allowed to ask, "What happened to your eye?" - but you want to know.
- Oh, totally, I'd be curious.
Like was he pulling clothes out of the drier and he pulled too hard and his hand slipped and he punched himself in the eye - while he was holding his keys? - Maybe.
And them, the other thing is, what's behind the eye patch now, like is it just a gaping ? Anyway, legally, you can't not hire somebody like that, but at the same time, you're not going to hire 'em.
Right.
Er so, where have you been the last three years? - Have you been on holiday? - (THEY LAUGH) Er, no, um, I worked at Braeband Ah! the pharmaceutical company, but, um, it's a bit delicate.
Oh.
Well, let's hear it.
0K, um, a woman who worked there made a complaint against me, sexual harassment, but it's not true.
I mean, it's very untrue.
Right.
And look, when a woman makes a complaint of sexual harassment, 99% of the time, it's based on reality.
I know that, you know that.
- It's important to believe women - Mm-hm.
.
.
because, sometimes, people unfairly side with the man, you know, and why would anyone side with the man? I'll tell you why, 0K! Because, sometimes, the man is me and it didn't happen, so, procedurally, I'm very glad that they heard her side of the story, but the other side of the coin is that she's a liar and I didn't do it.
Oh, you speak French.
That's cool.
This programme contains strong language.
This is nice, isn't it? This has gotta be one of the perks of being unemployed, right? Doing this together? when was the last time we did this? How'd your interview go? I don't know, I don't know how it went.
- It's going to take a while, isn't it? - Yeah.
| just hope a while means eight to ten days and not we all die of scurvy cos we can't afford citrus.
We're not going to die from scurvy, cos I'm going back to work.
I'm quite looking forward to it, actually.
It'll be nice to be around kids who don't want to sit on my lap - when I take a piss.
- What about our kids? - What's the plan there? - What's the plan there?! The plan is what we said the plan is - you'll do it.
Yes, I'll do it, if you don't want me to get a job.
We're going to have to get someone to help.
What about Anna? She's great.
She's not great.
She's a pulse and she knows our kids' names, - ONE of our kids' names.
- Oh, come on! What? You don't have to defend her just cos she has big jugs.
Does she have big jugs?! (SHE LAUGHS) Look, it's just drop-offs and pick-ups, do your interviews in between, and then, when you get a job, we'll make a better plan.
We just need to get organised.
I agree, I just don't think we should be bigoted against someone just because they have big jugs.
0K, Mandela.
Hey! - Hi.
- Hi! Thank you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Who's that? Oh, that's Cross-eyed Christian Fitness Mam.
Don't worry, you'll get to know them all soon.
- Do you like that wine? - Yeah, it's lovely.
It's a Sauvignon Blanc, but not as you know it.
It's a 2013.
- It's proper nice wine, that.
- Right.
- I mean, you can tell me how much it costs, if you like.
£18.
50.
- You're very generous.
- Thanks.
You're a sneery arsehole.
(SHE LAUGHS) So, your folks are already back in Ireland? Yeah.
They didn't settle here, to be honest.
Ah! I mean, they gave it a good half an hour.
I don't think he'd admit it, but I think the area was just too black for Dad.
I mean not like, "Get off my lawn!" but he'd roll up his car window any time a gentleman of colour walked by.
Or a black guy.
- Or anyone in a burka.
- Turban? No, doesn't really mind those lads.
So, we wanted to see youse, COS WE have some NEWS.
- We're moving to Spain.
- What? Why? Well, Mallandra wants to spend some time with her parents.
I mean, they're super old.
What age is your mum? - 66?! - Mm-hm.
Jesus, I thought I thought it was Anyway Anyway, it's give-and-take, isn't it? - Wait, she's really only 66? - Mm-hm.
(FERGAL SIGHS) What are you going to do there? Mmm? Oh, I can make money anywhere, I just need a laptop.
(SHARON LAUGHS) That'll be your new life now - trying to get a line with a modem.
(SHE IMITATES AN OLD MODEM) Beep-bop! Beep, bop, bop, bop! - What the fuck is that? - Spanish internet.
We have Wi-Fi in Spain.
(SHE SCOFFS) No, you don't.
Anyway, it's going to be sunny and brilliant.
The house we've got there, or nearly got there, you should see the place, it's like a Spanish palace.
It says it's nice, but you wouldn't take a shit in it if it wasn't Spain.
(BANJO MUSIC) - What did you think about all that? - I think good for him and I'll see him in three months when they move back here.
(SHE GROANS) I feel a bit jealous.
Why? You'd hate living in Spain.
You know, there's more British people there than there are here, and, PS, they all voted leave.
You're talking about the Costa del Sol.
They're not moving to shitty British people Spain, they are moving to real Spanish people Spain, which is lovely.
Well, neither of us could get work.
I don't think you can learn a new language once you're over 40.
We'd starve to death.
(SHE LAUGHS) Aw! Shall I put Frankie back into his own bed? I like hearing his little snores.
Aw! I was just, er I was just thinking that maybe we should have some sex.
Goddamn it! What? I just jerked off.
What?! - Why? - Well, you and I haven't really been Where? - In the basement.
- In the basement? Oh, well, that makes me feel shit.
You know everyone noticed at dinner? Noticed what? Noticed that we're not getting on the same.
They didn't notice.
Well, Mallandra asked me what was wrong.
- Did you tell her? - Tell her what? - That you fondled a student penis.
- Can I ask you a question? Yeah.
When are you going to start liking me again.
I like you.
Well, you're acting like you don't.
You're acting like Honey! Your response when I told you I flirted with someone at work - Come on, it wasn't about the ? - was to kick me out of my home, OK? You had the female response, which was to go nuclear and try to destroy our family.
I'm having the masculine response, which is to bury the pain and jerk off in the basement rather than touch you.
I can't keep saying sorry.
If I could cut off the hand that did the, you know, I would.
Well, I would endorse that if you having fewer hands wouldn't fuck up my life and make it more difficult.
(SHE SNORTS) The ancient Egyptians made medicines (KNOCK ON DOOR) out of extraordinary things.
Caster oil OK, back in a second.
What's up? - Mr Humphreys died yesterday.
- What? Just found out.
No way.
Oh, no.
Poor fucker.
- Yeah.
- Oh, what was it? No! What?! Oh, my God! (SHE GASPS) You know he asked me out one time, for coffee, when I first started here.
I said no.
I don't think that's why he did it.
- No, of course not, I wasn't saying - Because he was gay.
Oh, right! Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I know that.
- You ready to boogie? - Yeah.
Let's do this.
So how'd you get here? Did you take a, um .
.
not a rectangle, not a carriage but the newer Red, you know, the thing that we do now to travel and you pay.
- A bus? - Yes.
Yeah, they said that's going to happen for a while.
Oh, wow! - So, what's this place like? - Yeah, you know, it's your average in-patient chemical dependency unit for men.
- How are you? - I've been better.
Um, I found out while we were taking our little break, Sharon managed to jerk off a young boy.
- No! - Yeah.
22, 23 max.
Dude, that's terrible! Yeah, it is, er, and I still don't have a job.
I've had some interviews, but actually, I was going to ask you if you'd any contacts you could hook me up with? Sure! Sure, I could Hm.
- What? - What? 0h, fuck, man! I mean, there is nothing happening up here! I don't know what I was going to say.
- OK.
- Don't worry, it's going to get better.
It's just cos I was dead for a little while.
(DAN SIGHS) Imagine how hard a 22-year-old boner must feel.
Terrible news about Mr Humphreys.
Oh, my God, it's terrible.
It's - I wonder if he - He was very troubled, as you know.
- Yeah, but he always seemed - Bi-polar.
The silent killer.
Except when he was manic, then he would make quite the racket.
(SHE LAUGHS) Well, yeah, but I don't think you can say At any rate, we are keen to find someone - temporarily at least to take the role of head of upper join juniors.
- Right.
- just while we find out where we are.
Right, right.
- Oh, me? - Yes.
Oh, um - OK.
Right, um - Yes? - Um - You'd need time to think it through? - Is it going to be more money? - Yes, not a big difference, but It would be an honour.
Are you Frankie's dad? - Ah, Yeah.
- I was expecting to speak to Doesn't your Irish wife usually pick up? She's my only wife.
I'm Wilf's mum Polly.
- Woof? - Wilf.
OK.
Just very quickly, because I have to pick my mother up from Liverpool Street and take her to her hair appointment.
Right.
And it's a bit embarrassing, but very quickly, I'm afraid your Frankie bit my Wilf on Friday.
Really? Frankie? Yes.
Bit him twice on his arm, left a mark.
I'm sorry.
Which one's Wilf? Green jumper.
(WILF ROARS) - Oh, wow he's a big fella.
- He's very gentle.
Anyway, I don't want to involve the school.
No, I don't see why that'd be necessary.
Well, hopefully not.
0h, there's my keys Hello! "What the fuck?" Maybe Frankie in self-defence as a last resort bit him or, you know, maybe he sat on Frankie and Frankie bit him, just so he knew he was there.
Well, you know what? She's probably biting her own son.
(HE LAUGHS) She got a load of attention when her baby was massive and now he's just a massive four-year-old, so it's less interesting, so she starts biting him.
Ask her for photographic proof.
- You ask her.
- I don't have her number.
- I'm not asking her.
- What did, er, say when you asked him? (ROB SIGHS) He said he didn't do it, - but he's a liar.
- Oh, come here! I got a promotion today, because somebody died.
Oh, no! But that's great.
Yeah! I know! I'm really flattered.
I have to organise the memorial for him, so that'll be a bit But you know, still.
- Right on.
Er, is it good money? - Yeah! Yeah, it's great in teacher money.
In real money, no, it's shit.
Isn't that inspiring? I just started back and my career's basically on fire.
A couple of years from now, I could be Secretary of Education.
- How was your interview? - Oh, it sucked.
My new thing is I sweat, like rolling cascades of sweat down my body.
Eugh! Why? Because the school run is like a contact sport and they're so filthy that, after I get home, I have to take a shower and, after I take a shower, I sweat for at least 21/: hours, you know that, and I don't have a reference from Braeband, so that's making me sweat.
Well, just try and relax a little bit, you know.
Maybe use it as an opportunity to make a little joke.
Like make a joke about their air conditioning.
If they hire you, - they could afford air conditioning.
- Yeah, I'll try that.
And you know what? (SHE WHISPERS): Fuck Braeband! Tell them you've been a stay-at-home dad for the last three years.
I'd like to see any of them try that.
You're a hero.
I mean, you're not, but they don't know that.
For the last three years, I've been fathering domestically, which is to say I've been a stay-at-home dad.
I'm lucky enough to have a wife who's made that career possible.
Oh, what does your wife do? My wife? Oh, she, um you know, on planes You know the air vents? Like the nozzles that blow cooling air onto you? My wife did a redesign of those and patented it and sold it to Boeing and Airbus.
And a Chinese planes company.
You missed a button on your shirt.
Oh! No, I didn't, my, er my son tore it off this morning.
- Do you have a safety pin? - No.
If you hire me, you'll do so well, you could afford air conditioning.
Oh, you have it? OK.
I'm so hot.
I was wondering if I should get the kids to write a little thing about Mr Humphries for the memorial.
That'd be moving, wouldn't it? I just wrote a little something and I just moved myself.
Well, people don't really care when someone in the corporate world dies I mean, I just want to do something that's just, you know, the same old Like, I want to honour him and I want the kids to know that it's OK to be messed by all this and also, and this is third down the list, but also, let them know that there's a new sheriff in town .
.
of upper juniors.
That book must be fascinating.
What are you reading? Pinochet's autobiography? Christ! It's not an autobiography, it's a biography.
What would his autobiography say? I'm amazing.
Nothing's wrong.
I'm planting flowers.
- Yeah, I guess.
- What are you reading? I'm reading The Sun Also Rises.
It's a proper book.
You've been reading that since we met.
Are you memorising it? Because, you know, if you going to be secretary of education, you want to try ready more than one book every four years.
Well, that's mean.
Oh, by the way, I told your air conditioning joke today and I looked like a fucking idiot! So, thanks for that.
Well, you probably told it wrong! You don't tell an interviewer you're stay at home dad.
I mean, that's fine to say a garden party or in Sweden, but not here.
- OK? - OK.
But.
Over here, men work in real jobs, do you understand? Er, hang on a sec.
Um, so I spoke to Frankie and he said he didn't do it, so And anyway, I think it might be a case of, you know That is the world that we are trying to get you a job in.
I'm sorry, I don't think it's good enough just to say he didn't do it.
- Can I just finish this call? And - Wolf's lost a lot of confidence over All right, first interviews are about, can I work with you? Are you a prick? He wet the bed last night for the first time since last week.
Look.
I would like to settle this And I'd like for my son to be able to attend school without fear of being disfigured.
Is there a piece of your son missing? Did my son bite a piece of flesh out of your son? - No - I don't have a job right now.
OK? I am unemployed and as a result, my family might not have a home soon.
OK? So I have priorities.
Well, my son is my priority.
Just tell me what you want me to do! Do you want to bite my son? Would that help? Do you want me to bite him? Hey! Wolf! Do you want to bite Frankie? Just tell me what you want me to do! - Rob? - What? We just got an interview for you at Berkley Capital.
They'd like to see you this afternoon.
Wow! Really? Well, that's great.
Well, that's wonderful.
Did you hear that? Derek Humphries was a beloved teacher.
He loved music and he loved jokes he enjoyed having fun.
We all remember the time he printed permission slips for the Easter Field trip on the wrong-sized paper and passed them out anyway! Ms Norris and year five have prepared a musical tribute to his memory.
Ms Norris, I'll let you introduce the performance.
Hi Ooh! Sorry, bit nervous.
Hi.
Yeah, so, I just wanted to say that Well, we all loved Mr Humphries.
I'm sure some of you are troubled by the fact that he took his own Erm What he did.
Um, and, I don't think I'll be do my job as head of upper juniors if I didn't say that if any of you are thinking of doing something like he did, then, you know, don't.
Er, my door's always open Um, I mean that.
It's hard.
It's hard being a kid.
I know that.
Um I've had tough times in my life, from about 22 to about Yeah, maybe 34.
I had tough times.
I had acne in adulthood.
A lot of times people tell you you wrap all that up in your teenage years.
It's not true for everyone.
So, er, yeah! Year five are going to perform a song we wrote about Mr Humphries, so, er, up.
They rehearsed very hard, so if any of you feel like, you know, dancing, or swaying, then just go right ahead.
No dancing.
OK.
(THEY PLAY TUNELESSLY) Let's just start again because Kira started, er OK.
(THEY SING AND PLAY TUNELESSLY) Well, I grew Fry & Lowe up from nothing to a $100 million a year firm, thanks mainly to securing a 360 deal with Jeff's cola.
Right, right.
You know, I haven't been in the field for a while, but, I've got a thick-assed book of contacts, Niramax, P&G, Glaxo, Elron Right.
Pharmaceutical firms.
Is that for your time at Bray Band? Er - Well - Didn't you do a stint at Bray Band? Yeah.
But it's not on my CV, so how Susie my assistant used to work there.
She recognised your name.
Shady place.
I've never known folk to leave it off their CV.
Well, the reason for that It doesn't really matter.
What is concerning me right now is that you smell of alcohol.
I met a friend for lunch and I had a beer, but You had a beer? A beer? Mate, it if you had a beer, then I had lunch with Princess Diana.
You had lunch with who? Princess Diana! I'm sorry, it's just very difficult to understand you.
You don't have to understand me, because you won't be working here.
Well, good because I don't want to work at your Scottish whistle factory.
I'm Welsh, you idiot! Whoohoo! Newsflash! I know.
I said that to upset you.
What is upsetting to me is you're still sitting here.
Well, get ready to be excited, because I'm leaving.
You should take a good, long look at yourself, mate.
And you should take a long listen to yourself and I think you'd like what you hear, because your accent is adorable.
- I've got to go.
- Oh, don't let me stop you.
I shan't! You're a cutie pie.
Have a fantastic day.
I don't know why it sounded like that.
I think, you know, Kira started out of time and the rest followed her because she's so, you know, developed.
I mean, tall.
Thank you for the performance, Ms Norris, although I didn't see why you needed to mention that he was gay.
You can't whitewash history.
I think reference to a teacher's sexuality, gay or straight, is inappropriate for primary level.
Really? Well, why don't you do the next memorial then? I'd be happy to.
Great! Great.
Well, I hope you don't do MY memorial, because I'm not ashamed of MY sexuality and I'd want it all out there! No talking! How long do you think it would take you to get a head teaching job? I'm never going to get a headteacher job.
You should have seen my assembly today.
It was a car crash.
- Did anyone film it? - What? Jesus, I fucking hope not.
Hey.
How would you feel about putting the house on the market and getting a smaller place? Oh Um Well I mean, why have the pressure of this monster mortgage? Yeah, but, you're going to get something, right? And is always Bray Band.
I mean, you could always I mean Honey, I don't want to work for those kind of people any more.
It's too stressful.
I want to be alive in 20 years.
I want to meet our grandchildren.
Yeah, we all want that, but you got to strike a balance.
Of course, I don't want you to die TOO young, but you can't have a stress-free job, because who the fuck are you? Why should your job be a picnic? Kids in China are in mines.
I don't care about Chinese people.
Are you really worrying? I'm fine.
Because we've got a lot to be grateful for, you know? You should remember that.
We've got our health.
You say something now.
We have a beautiful, curious, amazing daughter.
And Frankie.
Yeah, we've got good teeth.
We have a restaurant quality blender.
Hey, we could sell that! You like me again? I'm trying not to, but, it's not going very well.
I'm sorry your assembly was a car crash.
It's OK.
I don't even really I just wanted to make you proud of me.
Just make you forget all the other shit.
I really want to keep hugging you, but you just Jesus, you really stink of cheese and onion crisps.
Do you make them now? With your body? Fuck, it's overpowering.
Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream, ice cream Stop it, Wolf! Ice cream, ice cream Please, stop it! Ice cream, ice cream, ice cream (CAR HORNS BLARE) Please don't hit me! What? No, no.
I wasn't I was just go to I'm sure Frankie didn't do it.
I mean, look at him! He's a savage! I hate him.
Oh, God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry! I'm sorry I shouted at you.
I'm sure Wolf's a great kid.
Yeah, he lied about Frankie, but so what? We're all just doing our best.
I mean, look at me! I'm a mess! I can't provide for my family, I have diarrhoea every day, I have secrets inside of me that Ow! Frankie! Son of a It's crazy that he did that for you to see! I swear to God He's never done that before!