Cold Feet (1997) s03e02 Episode Script
Series 3, Episode 2
No, you don't understand.
l want results, not excuses.
OK? Quarterly figures on my desk by the time l reach the office.
(Sighs) Thank you, driver.
- Cancel the 1 2:30.
Put the 4:30 up to 3:00.
- And the 3:1 5? - Make it 6:00.
- At 6:1 0 you're on Radio 4.
6:20, then.
Missed a bit, sonny.
Sorry, madam.
Right.
What about New York? You and Robert are booked on first class at 7:00.
Good work, Rachel.
Thank you.
Oh, no, Ms Gifford.
Thank you.
l can't tell you how much l appreciate the opportunity.
Your ex-husband's on line three.
Oh, God.
Again? Take a message.
There's a caller on line two who wants to order stationery.
Stationery?! Since when do l take orders for stationery? 200 manila envelopes, 400 paperclips, five boxes of correction fluid Thank you for choosing Ferguson Office Supplies.
Enjoy your stationery.
(Groans) (Phone rings) (Phone rings) - Yeah? - l'd like to order some Chinese food, please.
A number 6, two number 32s, and one of your delicious soya-based desserts.
Adam, what do you want? Oh, you know, just a chat.
See how you're feeling.
Well, l'm feeling like shite.
So, can l go now, please? Hang on, hang on.
What's happened? Look, l've moved out, right.
You moved So, where are you going to sleep tonight? Oh, let me see.
The bottom of the Manchester Ship Canal.
How's that? (Phone rings) Hello? Are you fully aware just how bloomingly, radiantly gorgeous you are? You're being affectionate.
What's wrong? l can't help it.
lt's the effect you have on me.
So, umwas there anything else? No, no.
Just that.
Oh, yeah Um, l need to ask a wee favour.
- The answer's no.
- You don't know what it is yet.
''Can Pete come to stay?'' Adam, the answer is no.
l'm still cleaning up after last time.
Oh, come on, Rach.
For me, yeah? No! Absolutely not.
l'm so sorry.
Goodbye.
That went very well.
(Phone rings) Heather? Felix! What a pleasant surprise.
l'm stuck in this terminally dull meeting with your son-in-law, and l was suddenly overcome with a strong desire to call you.
Felix, could you hold on just a moment? l think we've got mice on the line.
250 different ringing tones.
Bach Scarlatti Paganini, l think.
Yeah.
1 ,000-number memory, text messaging lnternet access? Not as such, no.
But this plastic cover thing is swappable.
On the next generation of mobiles lnternet will be as standard.
David, this isn't a phone.
lt's a brick with numbers on it.
Check this out.
Oh, now, that is beautiful.
Fax, word processor, lnternet access.
Don't touch that button.
Why? What is it? - Cigarette lighter.
- Really? That reminds me.
Excuse me, l've just got to make an urgentbusiness call.
l won't be a minute.
Settling in all right, Janet? Jenny.
Jenny? My girlfriend's got an aunt called Jenny.
Small world.
Except she's dead now.
Her aunt, l mean.
(Sighs) l know how she feels, Barry.
lf you need a hand, just give us a shout.
We're all just one big happy family here.
Er, you might want to get that.
Ferguson Office Supplies.
How can l help you? Hiya.
lt's me.
Oh, hello.
- Bad time? - lt's always a bad time here.
They're very strict on personal phone calls.
lf they catch you they beat you to death with rolls of fax paper.
l just wanted to hear your voice.
Look, l'm at work.
lf l order something will you keep talking? All right.
Um Well, we've got some self-laminating pouches.
Mm Some lateral suspension files.
They're very nice.
And there's lots and lots of long, thick, leaded pencils.
Mm Listen, l've got to go.
The boss is lurking.
Can l see you tonight? - Er No.
No, l don't think so.
- Tomorrow, then? - Look, it's a bit quick.
- Jenny? Thanks for calling Ferguson Office Supplies.
(Line goes dead) So, tell me, exactly how late are you? - l'm not late.
l'm not due back till two.
- l don't mean work.
l mean yourwhat-d'you-call-it.
ls that a medical term, is it? - You know what l'm talking about.
- Go on.
Go on.
Use the proper word.
All right, then.
The curse.
l'm two weeks late.
- ls that a lot? - Can we stop talking about this? Yeah.
Sure.
- You ate that very quickly.
- So? lf you're eating for two, perhaps we should split the bill three ways? Adam, l might not be pregnant.
- But you must be.
- Why? Well, surely women justknow.
How? l don't know.
lt's sort ofmystical, isn't it? Something to do with the moon and the tides.
Are your breasts getting bigger? l don't know.
Do they look bigger? Well, they're very nice, but it's hard to tell from here.
Adam, calm down.
l can't calm down.
l'm excited.
l can't sit still or sleep for thinking about it.
l think we should sort this out once and for all.
We should get a pregnancy test.
Absolutely.
You wait here.
- Where are you going? - There's a chemist across the road.
Adam, l'm not doing it here.
Well, obviously not here.
There's a loo out the back.
l have to be back at the office in a minute.
We'll do it tonight.
Tonight? lt's a date.
l might be a bit late, though.
Pete's asked me to interrogate Jen.
We'll meet back at home and make a real night of it, OK? All right.
So, Pete sent you, then? - Sent me? - Yeah.
To check up on the Scarlet Lady.
No, l just thought it would be nice to have a Yes.
lt's nothing serious, OK? l'm just having a laugh.
A laugh? Remember? We used to do it all the time way back in the late '80s.
What about Pete? Technically you are still married.
l don't believe l'm hearing this.
What? A lecture on family values from the Marquis de bloody Sade! When you split with Rachel you went at it hammer and tongs.
Ah, yes, but you know, that wasn't fun.
No, that was me hiding my pain behind a brash, womanising exterior.
Actually, it was fun.
lt's just Oh, God, it's so nice just to be desired again, if you know what l mean.
Anyway, we can't all float around on a white, fluffy cloud of romantic bliss like you and Rach.
lt's not always romantic bliss, you know.
Trouble in paradise? What's she done? Shampooed without conditioner? There's loads of stuff between me and Rachel you don't know about.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
The dark side.
No, not dark, just .
.
complicated.
Right, yeah.
lt must be.
Look at you.
Really complicated.
Flowers, champagne for the woman you love.
Healthy joint income, no kids, nice house, no responsibilities.
- Am l starting to sound bitter? - A little.
Yeah.
Cos l am.
Listen, just tell Pete l'm so sorry.
l didn't mean to upset him.
l was just letting off a bit of steam.
l was having a laugh.
l was, and Oh, God, if it's any consolation, l don't think this Robert's that bothered about me anyway.
JEN: Who the hell! Well, l don't think they're from Pete.
(Whispers) Hello, Sleeping Beauty.
Oh, my God.
- David, they're beautiful.
- Aren't they? - Mm.
- Where's your mother? ln the kitchen.
Why? (Babies cry) Karen, the twins are crying.
Did Felix talk about me? And nothing else.
He's picking you up tomorrow night.
7:30.
Could l have a word, please? ln private.
- Stop it.
- Stop what? You know what.
Pimping for your slimy business friends.
lt's not pimping.
lt's matchmaking.
But in case you hadn't noticed, David, she's married.
To my father, as a matter of fact.
Well, l won't tell him if you don't.
You really are a moral black hole, aren't you? (Door bell rings) lf that's Felix Bishop, tell him she's grounded.
Sorry to disturb you.
l just wondered if you'd heard the terrible news? Sorry, not interested.
Who was it? Jehovah's Witness.
Flogging their Bad News Bible.
(Bell rings) - Look we're all C of E here.
- l really think you should read this.
(Door closes) ADAM: You're just too good to be true Hiya.
Hi.
Flowers, champagne and Da-da! One pregnancy test.
Tell you what, though - good job this doesn't happen very often.
These are ten quid a pop.
Ten quid for a stick you pee on.
Shame you can't make your own.
- Adam, l'm not pregnant.
- We'll soon find out.
No, l mean l know l'm not pregnant.
- Are you sure? - Absolutely.
lt happened just now.
False alarm.
OK.
l see.
Let's just have some champagne, then, shall we? l'm sorry.
l shouldn't have got your hopes up.
Ah, don't be daft.
Are you disappointed? Disappointed? No.
Well, a little.
Um We're just celebrating something else now, aren't we? To a near miss.
To a near miss.
''The Council have decided to sell off Brookwood Park and playground, and turn it into a large-scale retail development and car park.
'' Bang go the property prices.
ls that all you can think of? Property prices? That's what it's about, isn't it? l mean, it's hardly Tuscany.
Just a couple of dodgy swings and a scrap of green.
Where your son goes to play.
Josh loves those swings.
- There's a perfectly good swing in the shed.
- That's not the point, though.
lt's not about whether Josh has access to a swing, or property prices.
lt's about the community, other people's children who don't have three-quarters of an acre to run around in.
The erosion of our quality of life.
lf there was something l could do, l would, honestly.
So, go to the meeting.
Tomorrow night.
6:30pm.
Don't just come over all nimbyish, and then refuse to do anything.
Community meeting? l hate the idea of it all - weak tea and economy biscuits.
- You are so apathetic.
- l'm not.
Yes, you are.
When have you ever made a stand on anything? Marched, protested, made your voice heard? Apartheid.
You stopped drinking South African wine.
l very much doubt Nelson Mandela will be sending you a thank-you note.
Well, why don't you go? OK.
Great.
l'd love to.
You can bath the children, and talk to my mother about her boyfriend.
All right, all right.
l'll go.
l can tell you this, it'll be a complete waste of time.
Oh, shite.
Shite.
Oh, yeah? Hey! Hello, mate.
Sorry, did l wake you? - Would l be right in thinking you're pissed? - You sound like Jenny when you say that.
Except Except the accent's wrong.
You gotta hold your hands out like that, and go, ''What time of night do you call this?'' - Where've you been, Pete? - Not bad.
But the accent's still wrong.
lt needs to be more nasal.
More flatter.
Seriously, though.
Seriously though l've been out doing what you told me to do.
Out looking for flats.
Where? Let me see - The Ship And Anchor, the Prince John, and the Carpenter's Arms.
And do you know what? Not one of them had flats.
But do you know what they did have? Lager! You've been to the pub by yourself.
No, no, no, no.
l've been out with Jenny.
Er No, l forgot.
l've split up with Jenny.
Yes, l was by myself.
Don't go drinking on your own, Pete.
Why don't you come and join me? Are you wise? l am going back to Rachel.
You know, l really love you.
l love you too, mate.
No, l mean it.
l bloody do love you.
l think it's an absolute bloody tragedy what happened with you and Jen.
l've got to tell you something.
Something rotten.
- Something that happened earlier tonight.
- Go on.
- You mustn't tell Rachel l told you.
- Jenny made a pass at you.
No, Rachel and me What? Jenny tried to get off with you again.
No.
What did you say that for? She fancies you.
She's always fancied you.
And now that l'm off the scene Hold on to your horses, you big bollocks! (ln lrish accent) ''Oh, Adam.
Lovely Adam.
Twinkly, lrish, funny Adam.
ls Adam going to be there? Are we going to invite Adam?'' Hey, Adam, do you think Rachel secretly fancies me? You wanker! lf you want to borrow money to go to a hotel, l will lend it to you.
But you make sure you're gone out of here by tomorrow night.
(Phone rings) (Phone rings) - Good morning.
- (Groans) Give us a kiss.
Oh, no way! Not till you've brushed your teeth.
Worth a try.
- Adam? - Yeah? Are you still all right about yesterday? About the near miss? (Sighs) Yeah.
Of course.
Of course.
We're lucky, aren't we? Yeah.
Yeah.
(Door closes) So, what do you reckon, eh? - lt is fantastic! - Hey, it's all right, in't it? Yeah, and the carpet doesn't make that sucking noise when you walk on it.
Mind you, l'm going to miss that.
lt's gonna need a lick of paint.
A couple of coats of magnolia should sort it.
Yeah.
Some new furniture.
Can we burn the futon? Has it got a spare bedroom, love? What do we want a spare room for? Well, you know, justafter we get married an' that, if there's ever more than just the two of us.
- How do you mean? Like a lodger? Like Adam? - No.
l know what you're on about.
Don't panic.
l think we'd better get a bed before we have a baby.
- Hey, shall we go and see the rest of it? - Yeah.
Of course, it'll need some work doing.
You know, painting and Are you on your own? Sorry? ls it just you? Yeah.
lt's just me.
Angry? Yeah.
- Can l come in? - No.
So, giving you these isn't going to help much.
- Flowers.
- To apologisefor the flowers.
Robert, l just think it's inappropriate.
l know l've been a bit full-on, and l should be a bastard, and not phone you, pretend l'm not interested, and all that crap men are supposed to do, but .
.
the fact is l am interested.
Sowhy pretend l'm not? Am l making sense? l mean, shall l go on, or are the police on their way already? - Go on.
- You know, you should count yourself lucky.
Compared to some sods out there, l'm a good catch.
l'm reliable, l'm affectionate.
l am, l'm told, more than averagely good in bed.
Passionate and courteous.
lmaginative but not weird or kinky.
l'm clean, which l know doesn't sound much, but shouldn't be taken for granted.
lf l'm a bit over-enthusiastic, l'm sorry.
l won't phone you again.
l'll l'll wait for you to call me, and if l don't hear from you .
.
that's a shame.
Because whatever happens, Jenny, whether you phone me or not, l think you're absolutely spectacular.
See you.
(Mobile rings) Hello? Hiya.
Hello.
How are you? Good.
Listen, l was just thinking.
Do you want to go out tonight? Yeah.
Er 8:00? 8:30 it is.
- Conditions as follows.
- Go on.
l choose the restaurant.
l pay for dinner.
No more flowers.
Agreed.
l'll see you then.
What year were you born? 1 967.
- You're a mature student? - No.
You're not a student? No.
l'm not mature.
Ha-ha! No, but l was a student.
- When? - 1 2 years ago.
What did you study? Accountancy.
l know what you're thinking - ''Accountancy, boring!'' But no, no, they were pretty wild times.
Oh, yeah, l can assure you of that.
There was one time we got completely wasted.
We'd been in the pub all day, and went to my mate's house, and he had some weed, so we rolled this great big spliff.
l had a puff on it, next thing you know - bang! l passed out in the kitchen.
Smacked my head on the formica top.
Blood everywhere! Had to be hospitalised.
Even had a brain scan.
Nearly lost the sight in one eye.
Ooh, students, eh? Ho ho! So, where do you stand on Third World debt? Basically my feeling is, if you borrow money, you've got to pay it back.
Right.
Well, Peter, we'll let you know.
Now over to the Chairman of your Residents' Association, Mr Phillips.
So, if l may refer you to item one on the agenda, concerning the official naming of our little band.
Anyone any ideas? - Are we allowed to smoke? - l'll put it to the floor.
What's our smoking policy? And this would be your room.
Your own bathroom up there, so no queuing for the loo.
Oh, great.
l've got a fold-out bed somewhere for when your son comes to stay.
Oh, that's nice.
So, what do you think? l think it's smashing.
Yeah, my wife used to use it as her study.
Oh, you're divorced? Amicably.
Blimey! How did you manage to pull that one off? lt took a while.
- How about you? Divorced? - No.
Separated.
But only for a trial period.
And afterwards, you get a mint imperial and a carnation for the lady.
You don't get that in your fancy restaurants.
You certainly don't.
How was your korma? You big girl! That is a lass's curry! l'm telling you, if Pete knew l was out with someone who had a korma Oh, that was the P word.
Sorry.
Er, l'll change the subject.
What is it you doagain? We develop communications systems that utilise lnternet technology, but via the telephone interface as opposed to the outmoded QWERTY keyboard.
No.
Sorry.
Different language.
You've got to understand, l haven't come to terms with Ceefax yet.
What? Nothing.
Good.
Right.
Do you want to go back up for some more? Er, no.
l'm fine.
Do you think l'm taking ''eat as much as you like'' a bit literally? Well, stuff it! lt's my fiver.
l'm going to make the most of it.
Green spaces in our cities are absolutely vital You wanted to say something, sir? Who me? No, sorry, no, l'm just leaving.
Well, thank you for your contribution.
l would like to make one point, if l may? Yes? You're on item one of a 1 9-point agenda, and l feel by the time you reach item two, they'll have actually built the supermarket.
(ln Southern US drawl) You are an excellent shopper, sir.
Why, thank you.
l did a special course at college.
God.
l am absolutely knackered.
- Not too knackered, l hope.
- Why? Well, Pete's out.
Yeah? We've got the house to ourselves.
Yeah, for a couple of hours, at least.
Why, what do you have in mind? - What's brought all this on? - l don't know.
Maybe it was all that shopping.
You are aroused by shopping? - Does that make me a bad person? - l think it probably does.
RACHEL: We could see the world.
South America.
Australia.
lndia.
Hm.
Great! l've always fancied lndia.
Seems a bit ambitious for two weeks, though, doesn't it? lt doesn't have to be for two weeks.
l could ask work for a month off.
A sabbatical.
Well, that's fine for you, but my company's bollocksed if l'm not there.
The important thing to remember is that we can do whatever we want.
Two more years of freedom.
Yeah? Two more years of freedom.
A certain politician once said that there is no such thing as society.
Well, as l look around this hall tonight, that's not what l see.
l see society.
l see a community.
Now, this isn't just about a couple of swings and slides.
Or property prices.
No.
lt's about other people's children.
Children who don't have three-quarters of an acre to run around in.
The insidious erosion of their quality of life.
Now, l'm no hypocrite.
l use supermarkets.
And yes, l want convenience.
Yes, l want groceries.
But not at any price.
For when it comes down to it, what price sticker can you put on the smile of a child? (Thunderous applause) (All cheer) Thanks.
OK.
Ah, you should have been there, Karen.
- Felt the atmosphere.
lt was electric.
- l'm sure you were an inspiration.
So, the playground's saved, is it? Well, obviously, there's still a long way to go, but now the Playground Task Force is up and running The Playground Task Force? Task Force.
Yes.
David, it's two swings and a slide.
lt's hardly the Guns Of Navarone, is it? Well, you were the one who went on about quality of life.
So l suppose you must be the newly appointed Playground Tsar? Yes.
(Giggles) l don't think you're taking me seriously.
- So, where did you go for a drink? - Sorry? You've been drinking.
Oh, just a quick pint, you know, with my comrades.
Well, l've been sort of off the political scene recently.
l was pretty active with the anti-Apartheid movement, of course, but not that much since then, so l suppose Yeah, it's politics with a small P.
So, would you describe yourself as a socialist? A socialist? Um How about socialist with a small S ? How small? That small.
Yeah, well, l suppose l would.
Yeah.
lf the S were small enough.
David, l wanted to ask you something.
But l'm worried it's a bit forward.
Well, you'll never find out until you try.
OK.
l wonder Have you ever considered joining the Labour Party? KAREN: The Labour Party? New Labour, actually.
ls that so surprising? Well, yes, it is, actually, seeing as the only organisation you've ever joined is the RAC.
Do you want to go upstairs? - Are you sure? - No l think l'm sure, yeah.
Sorry, Robert.
l'm a nervous wreck, aren't l? l haven't been in this position for years.
1 5 years.
l'm like a teenager, aren't l? l'm shaking and everything.
Pathetic.
Jenny, it's fine.
Look, do you want me to go? No, l don't.
Look, we can just you know, go upstairs? We don't have to do anything.
Justhave a cuddle, and .
.
just go to sleep, yeah? Actually, l think l quite want sex.
Hello.
Our first visitors.
You must be Adamand Rachel.
l assume l got that the right way round? Come in, come in.
Pete's upstairs.
Thanks.
ADAM: l'd just like to say a few words.
Whilst it's been a pleasure having you to stay, it's even more of a pleasure having you move out.
So, if l may, l'd like to propose a toast to the future.
BOTH: The future.
Well, l suppose it'll do.
For the time being, anyway.
Yeah.
Hey, it'll certainly make a change, living with a gay guy.
Who's a gay guy? Your landlord.
Matthew? Matthew's not gay.
Why are there photos of him and his boyfriend in the hall? That's just his best mate.
l've got pictures of you and me.
Yeah.
Not of us holding hands in our swimming trunks, though.
What about all those musical soundtracks? Loads of straight blokes like musicals.
l loved Les Mis.
Anyway, he can't be gay, he's divorced.
Did you seriously not know? ADAM: lt'll be interesting, a whole new lifestyle.
- He could teach you how to cook.
- And dance down Canal Street.
And at least you'll know this place will always be neat.
Will you stop laughing at me? l cannot tell you how sick l am of watching you two laugh at me.
Sorry, Pete.
We were just having a bit of fun.
That's all it is to you - a bit of fun! You sit there all smug, and then it's back to your cosy little love nest, while l sit here in this dump going out of my skull with loneliness.
Pete, come on.
lt's not that bad.
Adam! How can you say that? Look at me - l'm falling to bits.
l've lost my family.
l'm in a job that l loathe with people l hate.
My friends think l'm some sort of joke.
Jenny despises me.
- Jenny doesn't despise you.
- Rachel! She flinches when l go to touch her.
My wife.
Can you imagine what that's like? And now l look at Jenny.
She's fine.
She's flying.
Dumping me was the best thing that could have ever happened to her.
And meanwhile there's me - the best part of my life over, living here in some shithole with a three-bar fire .
.
an empty bed and just some lonely, weird old queen for company.
Now, you tell me, could it possibly, possibly get any worse? Well, tell me! l did knock, but l don't think you could have heard me.
Erflat-warming present.
l hope you'll be very happy here, Pete.
lf you want me, l'll be downstairs, listening to my Judy Garland records flower arranging, ironing my bandanna, that sort of thing.
Well, good night.
Morning, Barry.
How was your weekend? Action-packed? What's the matter with you? The supervisor wants to see you in his office.
Oh, God! Here we go again.
They're very strict on personal phone calls.
They beat you to death with rolls of fax paper if they catch you.
Well, it's obvious, isn't it? That is someone impersonating me.
We do take matters like this very seriously, Mrs Gifford.
l'm afraid we'll have to issue a formal warning.
What? For making a joke? lt's our policy to regularly screen employees' calls.
lf you have any complaints, l suggest you take it up with your agency.
Right.
Thanks very much.
Listen, just out of interest, how many more formal warnings do l get before l get fired? Just the one.
Good.
Will that do it? (Cheering and applause) See you, Barry.
Keep in touch.
Thanks for coming round, you two.
l was starting to feel a bit mad.
What happened to the joys of motherhood? lt's a myth.
l just miss adults.
Big, properly proportioned people who can walk and talk, and eat solids.
David's never here.
Especially since he's discovered radical politics.
Even when he is, we're too tired to do anything except grunt.
l'm spending so much time with Ramona, l'm beginning to think English is my second language.
l swear to God, you two don't know how lucky you are.
Why are we lucky? Sorry? You, Pete, Jen, you all keep telling us how lucky we are.
l don't feel that lucky.
Why are we lucky? Tell us.
Well, because you've got your freedom.
You mean we don't have kids? Well, no.
You don't yet, do you? Well, l'm sure you will eventually, but - Sorry.
Have l said something wrong? - No, of course you haven't.
Adam What if we can't have them, eh? Will we still feel lucky then? We can have them.
We were going to talk about it in two years' time.
Because we're too scared to talk about it now.
l think l'll go and check up on the twins.
What is wrong with you? - What is wrong with me? - Yes.
Have you forgotten, Rachel, l had cancer? Yes, but you're better now.
Maybe l am, maybe l'm not.
Rachel, why are we avoiding this subject? Why don't we just come out and say it? - l might be infertile.
- And you might not be.
You don't get it, do you? l thought you were pregnant.
l thought you were going to have our baby.
You led me to believe you were pregnant.
- Adam, that is not fair - Then you tell me it was all a stupid false alarm.
You said you didn't mind.
Well, l lied, then! l lied! Don't you think l wasn't disappointed? Eh? l want us to have children too, you know.
So, why aren't we? Why can't we just come out and say, ''We want babies''? Because we can't, and we're scared it will all be my fault.
lt's not your fault! lt's nobody's fault.
lt's easy for you to say.
You're all right.
We all know you can have a baby! ls that what this is about? Hey? No.
No.
Of course not.
You're blaming me because of the abortion.
You think it's all my fault? Rachel, that's not what l meant to say.
l didn't You know, if there's a more pig-ignorant, fat-headed, big-mouthed little bollocks out there, l'd like to meet him.
Oh, Rachel, l'm sorry.
Come here.
Sweetheart, we can't let this ruin things between us.
You're right.
We should face facts, butlet's not let it mess us up.
What are we gonna do? l think l think we should go and see a specialist.
Oh, God! You banked some sperm.
You must have known that one day we might have to use it.
- l suppose so.
- Well, maybe that time is now.
l'm so happy at the moment.
Just us doing what we want to do, but .
.
l don't want it to be just us any more.
And l don't want a new kitchen, or to go to lndia, or to concentrate on my career.
l want us to start a family.
l know, l know.
Me too.
You know, doctors, and tests, and treatment lt just all sounds like such a nightmare.
Well, that depends on how you look at it, doesn't it? You could see it as a nightmare, or you can see it as an exciting adventure.
An exciting adventure? Mm.
So, which member of the Famous Five are you? Right.
What's my next assignment? Well, let me see.
We've just had a call from a china shop.
They need a bull.
Sorry? Jenny, l'm afraid there isn't going to be a next assignment.
You're messing about, aren't you? Every job, you've either been sacked, or you resigned before they could sack you.
Come on.
There must be something.
Not during peacetime, no.
Maybe l'm just unemployable.
Maybe you're just not very good at being told what to do.
Maybe.
So, what are you going to do? l don't know.
Waitressing or bar work, l suppose.
lt'll be all right.
l'll just l'll ask around at some restaurants this weekend.
lt'll be fine.
Er What? About this weekend.
- Oh, yeah? - l was hoping you'd be free.
Why? Well l thought we'd take a little trip.
New York! You're bloody joking! - lt's only for the weekend.
- No.
No way! What about Adam? - lt's your weekend to have him.
- No, from Saturday morning onwards! What, and you can't pick him up on Friday? - Cos you've got plans with Cindy Crawford? - That is not the point! The point is you cannot bear the thought of me having any fun, can you? No, you'd rather l sat on my fat arse and felt sorry for myself.
Jesus Christ, you can be a selfish cow! Yeah, and you can be a self-pitying, stupid bastard! Oh, shut up! Christ! God! We're not handling this very well, are we? No.
No, not really.
No.
Look, you know l've always wanted to go to New York.
- Well, that's half the problem, isn't it? - What is? Because l always wanted to take you.
Pete, you know that's not going to happen now.
Look, l'm sorry.
l am.
But l like Robert.
l don't know what's gonna happen, if it's serious or what, but l like him, and l really need the company, and l want to move on, and l'm really sorry if you're upset, but l've been unhappy for a long time, and l just think this is unfair.
You're not going to change your mind, are you? No.
No, l'm not.
So, you took the precaution of banking some sperm? - When l had the radiotherapy, yes.
- Very wise.
Do you know how much? How much? Erm More than a teaspoonful, less than a pint.
Actually, it was quite hard getting it into the wee jar.
- Why? ls that important? - lt is if you were planning artificial insemination.
lf Adam's supply is cut off, so to speak, then there's a possibility that after a few treatments we might just run out.
And so what's the alternative? lntra-cytoplasmic sperm injection.
(Voice echoes): lf your sperm is in short supply, it's the best option, best option lt's pretty much the same as lVF, but we inject a single sperm into the egg.
lt takes place externally.
We'd have to remove a number of eggs, Rachel.
The procedure .
.
which we can pop back in.
Whatever you choose to do, l think it's probably safe to say it's the most difficult decision you'll ever make.
ADAM: Are you familiar with the word emasculation? Emasculation? Horrible, isn't it? l always thought l was this little bundle of testosterone.
Whenever l slept with someone - and God knows, l've done my share - afterwards, l'd always lie there and think, ''Please God, l hope they're not pregnant, what with me being such a man and all.
'' l thought if a woman sipped my pint she'd have twins.
But now, with Rachel, for the first time, l'm thinking, ''Please, God will you please just let us have a baby?'' All that time, l treated sex as recreation, fun, a laugh .
.
and then, all of a sudden, l realise what it's for.
This very simple, very ordinary, yet beautiful thing.
And l can't manage it.
l can't manage it.
l feel like l'm being punished.
God, listen to me talking like a Catholic.
What does Rachel think about the idea? About the treatment? l'm excited, but l'm scared too.
Basically, if a doctor says there's this procedure that's stressful, painful and fantastically expensive, you're not exactly going to say, '''Way-hey, book me in'', are you? What does Adam think? l don't know.
He hasn't said yet.
l think he's worried about the money.
Four grand! Per treatment.
Times that by four or five, maybe.
Blimey.
Right, l'll get the next round in.
You put your money away.
Scratchings? lt's not just the money, is it? lt'syou know, the stress, the anxiety, and there are all these other questions.
What if there's something wrong with Adam's sperm? Are we going to use a sperm donor? Some complete stranger? Well, it needn't be a stranger.
You could ask someone you already know.
- Darling, have you seen my golf shoes? - Cupboard under the stairs.
Right.
Don't worry.
l wasn't going to suggest it.
lf you ever do run out of sperm, l've got loads going spare.
Thanks, Pete.
l'm touched.
Disturbed but touched.
So, anyway, now you know.
- l'm sorry, mate.
l had no idea.
- lt's all right.
You've got enough to worry about.
Yeah.
So, did Jenny tell you about New York? Uh-huh.
(Sighs) Do you think l'm being a bastard? l think Jenny's having fun and you're not, and that's hard.
Still, it's like that Sting song, isn't it? Englishman ln New York? No.
Russians? Dream Of The Blue Turtles? No.
lf You Love Somebody Set Them Free.
l suppose so.
- l can't help it, though.
l bloody hate that bloke.
- Who? Robert? No, Sting.
TV: Tottenham in front within three minutes of the re-start.
l'm sorry about the other day.
lt's all right.
lf it's going to be a problem, though, it might be a good idea to move out.
No, no, no, it's all right.
lt's just l've been under a bit of stress lately.
Yeah.
l know what it's like.
Me and my wife had a terrible break-up.
What happened? She caught me in bed with our next-door neighbour.
Patrick.
Right.
So, you don't think she over-reacted? So? So We're gonna do this, yes? Yeah.
But together, yeah? Oh, yeah.
And we're gonna look after each other all the time, yeah? Yeah.
And while we're waiting for the doctors and all that Mm-hm? .
.
we're gonna keep trying naturally at every single possible available opportunity.
Yeah? Ooh, yeah.
(Phone rings) - Hello? PETE: Hi, it's me.
Don't worry.
l'm not phoning to moan or shout or anything.
That's a shame.
l just wanted to say, l'm still trying to get used to the idea, but next weekend - you can go to New York with Robert or whatever his name is, and l'll look after Adam, all right? Are you sure? Of course l'm sure.
He's my son, isn't he? Right.
Listen, where are you living? What's going on? l've got a new place.
lt's great.
lt's got ceilings, walls, the lot.
l've got a great landlord.
You'll have to come round.
Listen, that's brilliant.
- Thanks, Pete.
- That's all right.
Um, how are you? Are you all right? Yeah, l think l am.
Yeah.
l'm all right.
Hey, Jenny, give my regards to Broadway, yeah? Yeah.
Thanks, Pete.
Bye.
(Sighs)
l want results, not excuses.
OK? Quarterly figures on my desk by the time l reach the office.
(Sighs) Thank you, driver.
- Cancel the 1 2:30.
Put the 4:30 up to 3:00.
- And the 3:1 5? - Make it 6:00.
- At 6:1 0 you're on Radio 4.
6:20, then.
Missed a bit, sonny.
Sorry, madam.
Right.
What about New York? You and Robert are booked on first class at 7:00.
Good work, Rachel.
Thank you.
Oh, no, Ms Gifford.
Thank you.
l can't tell you how much l appreciate the opportunity.
Your ex-husband's on line three.
Oh, God.
Again? Take a message.
There's a caller on line two who wants to order stationery.
Stationery?! Since when do l take orders for stationery? 200 manila envelopes, 400 paperclips, five boxes of correction fluid Thank you for choosing Ferguson Office Supplies.
Enjoy your stationery.
(Groans) (Phone rings) (Phone rings) - Yeah? - l'd like to order some Chinese food, please.
A number 6, two number 32s, and one of your delicious soya-based desserts.
Adam, what do you want? Oh, you know, just a chat.
See how you're feeling.
Well, l'm feeling like shite.
So, can l go now, please? Hang on, hang on.
What's happened? Look, l've moved out, right.
You moved So, where are you going to sleep tonight? Oh, let me see.
The bottom of the Manchester Ship Canal.
How's that? (Phone rings) Hello? Are you fully aware just how bloomingly, radiantly gorgeous you are? You're being affectionate.
What's wrong? l can't help it.
lt's the effect you have on me.
So, umwas there anything else? No, no.
Just that.
Oh, yeah Um, l need to ask a wee favour.
- The answer's no.
- You don't know what it is yet.
''Can Pete come to stay?'' Adam, the answer is no.
l'm still cleaning up after last time.
Oh, come on, Rach.
For me, yeah? No! Absolutely not.
l'm so sorry.
Goodbye.
That went very well.
(Phone rings) Heather? Felix! What a pleasant surprise.
l'm stuck in this terminally dull meeting with your son-in-law, and l was suddenly overcome with a strong desire to call you.
Felix, could you hold on just a moment? l think we've got mice on the line.
250 different ringing tones.
Bach Scarlatti Paganini, l think.
Yeah.
1 ,000-number memory, text messaging lnternet access? Not as such, no.
But this plastic cover thing is swappable.
On the next generation of mobiles lnternet will be as standard.
David, this isn't a phone.
lt's a brick with numbers on it.
Check this out.
Oh, now, that is beautiful.
Fax, word processor, lnternet access.
Don't touch that button.
Why? What is it? - Cigarette lighter.
- Really? That reminds me.
Excuse me, l've just got to make an urgentbusiness call.
l won't be a minute.
Settling in all right, Janet? Jenny.
Jenny? My girlfriend's got an aunt called Jenny.
Small world.
Except she's dead now.
Her aunt, l mean.
(Sighs) l know how she feels, Barry.
lf you need a hand, just give us a shout.
We're all just one big happy family here.
Er, you might want to get that.
Ferguson Office Supplies.
How can l help you? Hiya.
lt's me.
Oh, hello.
- Bad time? - lt's always a bad time here.
They're very strict on personal phone calls.
lf they catch you they beat you to death with rolls of fax paper.
l just wanted to hear your voice.
Look, l'm at work.
lf l order something will you keep talking? All right.
Um Well, we've got some self-laminating pouches.
Mm Some lateral suspension files.
They're very nice.
And there's lots and lots of long, thick, leaded pencils.
Mm Listen, l've got to go.
The boss is lurking.
Can l see you tonight? - Er No.
No, l don't think so.
- Tomorrow, then? - Look, it's a bit quick.
- Jenny? Thanks for calling Ferguson Office Supplies.
(Line goes dead) So, tell me, exactly how late are you? - l'm not late.
l'm not due back till two.
- l don't mean work.
l mean yourwhat-d'you-call-it.
ls that a medical term, is it? - You know what l'm talking about.
- Go on.
Go on.
Use the proper word.
All right, then.
The curse.
l'm two weeks late.
- ls that a lot? - Can we stop talking about this? Yeah.
Sure.
- You ate that very quickly.
- So? lf you're eating for two, perhaps we should split the bill three ways? Adam, l might not be pregnant.
- But you must be.
- Why? Well, surely women justknow.
How? l don't know.
lt's sort ofmystical, isn't it? Something to do with the moon and the tides.
Are your breasts getting bigger? l don't know.
Do they look bigger? Well, they're very nice, but it's hard to tell from here.
Adam, calm down.
l can't calm down.
l'm excited.
l can't sit still or sleep for thinking about it.
l think we should sort this out once and for all.
We should get a pregnancy test.
Absolutely.
You wait here.
- Where are you going? - There's a chemist across the road.
Adam, l'm not doing it here.
Well, obviously not here.
There's a loo out the back.
l have to be back at the office in a minute.
We'll do it tonight.
Tonight? lt's a date.
l might be a bit late, though.
Pete's asked me to interrogate Jen.
We'll meet back at home and make a real night of it, OK? All right.
So, Pete sent you, then? - Sent me? - Yeah.
To check up on the Scarlet Lady.
No, l just thought it would be nice to have a Yes.
lt's nothing serious, OK? l'm just having a laugh.
A laugh? Remember? We used to do it all the time way back in the late '80s.
What about Pete? Technically you are still married.
l don't believe l'm hearing this.
What? A lecture on family values from the Marquis de bloody Sade! When you split with Rachel you went at it hammer and tongs.
Ah, yes, but you know, that wasn't fun.
No, that was me hiding my pain behind a brash, womanising exterior.
Actually, it was fun.
lt's just Oh, God, it's so nice just to be desired again, if you know what l mean.
Anyway, we can't all float around on a white, fluffy cloud of romantic bliss like you and Rach.
lt's not always romantic bliss, you know.
Trouble in paradise? What's she done? Shampooed without conditioner? There's loads of stuff between me and Rachel you don't know about.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
The dark side.
No, not dark, just .
.
complicated.
Right, yeah.
lt must be.
Look at you.
Really complicated.
Flowers, champagne for the woman you love.
Healthy joint income, no kids, nice house, no responsibilities.
- Am l starting to sound bitter? - A little.
Yeah.
Cos l am.
Listen, just tell Pete l'm so sorry.
l didn't mean to upset him.
l was just letting off a bit of steam.
l was having a laugh.
l was, and Oh, God, if it's any consolation, l don't think this Robert's that bothered about me anyway.
JEN: Who the hell! Well, l don't think they're from Pete.
(Whispers) Hello, Sleeping Beauty.
Oh, my God.
- David, they're beautiful.
- Aren't they? - Mm.
- Where's your mother? ln the kitchen.
Why? (Babies cry) Karen, the twins are crying.
Did Felix talk about me? And nothing else.
He's picking you up tomorrow night.
7:30.
Could l have a word, please? ln private.
- Stop it.
- Stop what? You know what.
Pimping for your slimy business friends.
lt's not pimping.
lt's matchmaking.
But in case you hadn't noticed, David, she's married.
To my father, as a matter of fact.
Well, l won't tell him if you don't.
You really are a moral black hole, aren't you? (Door bell rings) lf that's Felix Bishop, tell him she's grounded.
Sorry to disturb you.
l just wondered if you'd heard the terrible news? Sorry, not interested.
Who was it? Jehovah's Witness.
Flogging their Bad News Bible.
(Bell rings) - Look we're all C of E here.
- l really think you should read this.
(Door closes) ADAM: You're just too good to be true Hiya.
Hi.
Flowers, champagne and Da-da! One pregnancy test.
Tell you what, though - good job this doesn't happen very often.
These are ten quid a pop.
Ten quid for a stick you pee on.
Shame you can't make your own.
- Adam, l'm not pregnant.
- We'll soon find out.
No, l mean l know l'm not pregnant.
- Are you sure? - Absolutely.
lt happened just now.
False alarm.
OK.
l see.
Let's just have some champagne, then, shall we? l'm sorry.
l shouldn't have got your hopes up.
Ah, don't be daft.
Are you disappointed? Disappointed? No.
Well, a little.
Um We're just celebrating something else now, aren't we? To a near miss.
To a near miss.
''The Council have decided to sell off Brookwood Park and playground, and turn it into a large-scale retail development and car park.
'' Bang go the property prices.
ls that all you can think of? Property prices? That's what it's about, isn't it? l mean, it's hardly Tuscany.
Just a couple of dodgy swings and a scrap of green.
Where your son goes to play.
Josh loves those swings.
- There's a perfectly good swing in the shed.
- That's not the point, though.
lt's not about whether Josh has access to a swing, or property prices.
lt's about the community, other people's children who don't have three-quarters of an acre to run around in.
The erosion of our quality of life.
lf there was something l could do, l would, honestly.
So, go to the meeting.
Tomorrow night.
6:30pm.
Don't just come over all nimbyish, and then refuse to do anything.
Community meeting? l hate the idea of it all - weak tea and economy biscuits.
- You are so apathetic.
- l'm not.
Yes, you are.
When have you ever made a stand on anything? Marched, protested, made your voice heard? Apartheid.
You stopped drinking South African wine.
l very much doubt Nelson Mandela will be sending you a thank-you note.
Well, why don't you go? OK.
Great.
l'd love to.
You can bath the children, and talk to my mother about her boyfriend.
All right, all right.
l'll go.
l can tell you this, it'll be a complete waste of time.
Oh, shite.
Shite.
Oh, yeah? Hey! Hello, mate.
Sorry, did l wake you? - Would l be right in thinking you're pissed? - You sound like Jenny when you say that.
Except Except the accent's wrong.
You gotta hold your hands out like that, and go, ''What time of night do you call this?'' - Where've you been, Pete? - Not bad.
But the accent's still wrong.
lt needs to be more nasal.
More flatter.
Seriously, though.
Seriously though l've been out doing what you told me to do.
Out looking for flats.
Where? Let me see - The Ship And Anchor, the Prince John, and the Carpenter's Arms.
And do you know what? Not one of them had flats.
But do you know what they did have? Lager! You've been to the pub by yourself.
No, no, no, no.
l've been out with Jenny.
Er No, l forgot.
l've split up with Jenny.
Yes, l was by myself.
Don't go drinking on your own, Pete.
Why don't you come and join me? Are you wise? l am going back to Rachel.
You know, l really love you.
l love you too, mate.
No, l mean it.
l bloody do love you.
l think it's an absolute bloody tragedy what happened with you and Jen.
l've got to tell you something.
Something rotten.
- Something that happened earlier tonight.
- Go on.
- You mustn't tell Rachel l told you.
- Jenny made a pass at you.
No, Rachel and me What? Jenny tried to get off with you again.
No.
What did you say that for? She fancies you.
She's always fancied you.
And now that l'm off the scene Hold on to your horses, you big bollocks! (ln lrish accent) ''Oh, Adam.
Lovely Adam.
Twinkly, lrish, funny Adam.
ls Adam going to be there? Are we going to invite Adam?'' Hey, Adam, do you think Rachel secretly fancies me? You wanker! lf you want to borrow money to go to a hotel, l will lend it to you.
But you make sure you're gone out of here by tomorrow night.
(Phone rings) (Phone rings) - Good morning.
- (Groans) Give us a kiss.
Oh, no way! Not till you've brushed your teeth.
Worth a try.
- Adam? - Yeah? Are you still all right about yesterday? About the near miss? (Sighs) Yeah.
Of course.
Of course.
We're lucky, aren't we? Yeah.
Yeah.
(Door closes) So, what do you reckon, eh? - lt is fantastic! - Hey, it's all right, in't it? Yeah, and the carpet doesn't make that sucking noise when you walk on it.
Mind you, l'm going to miss that.
lt's gonna need a lick of paint.
A couple of coats of magnolia should sort it.
Yeah.
Some new furniture.
Can we burn the futon? Has it got a spare bedroom, love? What do we want a spare room for? Well, you know, justafter we get married an' that, if there's ever more than just the two of us.
- How do you mean? Like a lodger? Like Adam? - No.
l know what you're on about.
Don't panic.
l think we'd better get a bed before we have a baby.
- Hey, shall we go and see the rest of it? - Yeah.
Of course, it'll need some work doing.
You know, painting and Are you on your own? Sorry? ls it just you? Yeah.
lt's just me.
Angry? Yeah.
- Can l come in? - No.
So, giving you these isn't going to help much.
- Flowers.
- To apologisefor the flowers.
Robert, l just think it's inappropriate.
l know l've been a bit full-on, and l should be a bastard, and not phone you, pretend l'm not interested, and all that crap men are supposed to do, but .
.
the fact is l am interested.
Sowhy pretend l'm not? Am l making sense? l mean, shall l go on, or are the police on their way already? - Go on.
- You know, you should count yourself lucky.
Compared to some sods out there, l'm a good catch.
l'm reliable, l'm affectionate.
l am, l'm told, more than averagely good in bed.
Passionate and courteous.
lmaginative but not weird or kinky.
l'm clean, which l know doesn't sound much, but shouldn't be taken for granted.
lf l'm a bit over-enthusiastic, l'm sorry.
l won't phone you again.
l'll l'll wait for you to call me, and if l don't hear from you .
.
that's a shame.
Because whatever happens, Jenny, whether you phone me or not, l think you're absolutely spectacular.
See you.
(Mobile rings) Hello? Hiya.
Hello.
How are you? Good.
Listen, l was just thinking.
Do you want to go out tonight? Yeah.
Er 8:00? 8:30 it is.
- Conditions as follows.
- Go on.
l choose the restaurant.
l pay for dinner.
No more flowers.
Agreed.
l'll see you then.
What year were you born? 1 967.
- You're a mature student? - No.
You're not a student? No.
l'm not mature.
Ha-ha! No, but l was a student.
- When? - 1 2 years ago.
What did you study? Accountancy.
l know what you're thinking - ''Accountancy, boring!'' But no, no, they were pretty wild times.
Oh, yeah, l can assure you of that.
There was one time we got completely wasted.
We'd been in the pub all day, and went to my mate's house, and he had some weed, so we rolled this great big spliff.
l had a puff on it, next thing you know - bang! l passed out in the kitchen.
Smacked my head on the formica top.
Blood everywhere! Had to be hospitalised.
Even had a brain scan.
Nearly lost the sight in one eye.
Ooh, students, eh? Ho ho! So, where do you stand on Third World debt? Basically my feeling is, if you borrow money, you've got to pay it back.
Right.
Well, Peter, we'll let you know.
Now over to the Chairman of your Residents' Association, Mr Phillips.
So, if l may refer you to item one on the agenda, concerning the official naming of our little band.
Anyone any ideas? - Are we allowed to smoke? - l'll put it to the floor.
What's our smoking policy? And this would be your room.
Your own bathroom up there, so no queuing for the loo.
Oh, great.
l've got a fold-out bed somewhere for when your son comes to stay.
Oh, that's nice.
So, what do you think? l think it's smashing.
Yeah, my wife used to use it as her study.
Oh, you're divorced? Amicably.
Blimey! How did you manage to pull that one off? lt took a while.
- How about you? Divorced? - No.
Separated.
But only for a trial period.
And afterwards, you get a mint imperial and a carnation for the lady.
You don't get that in your fancy restaurants.
You certainly don't.
How was your korma? You big girl! That is a lass's curry! l'm telling you, if Pete knew l was out with someone who had a korma Oh, that was the P word.
Sorry.
Er, l'll change the subject.
What is it you doagain? We develop communications systems that utilise lnternet technology, but via the telephone interface as opposed to the outmoded QWERTY keyboard.
No.
Sorry.
Different language.
You've got to understand, l haven't come to terms with Ceefax yet.
What? Nothing.
Good.
Right.
Do you want to go back up for some more? Er, no.
l'm fine.
Do you think l'm taking ''eat as much as you like'' a bit literally? Well, stuff it! lt's my fiver.
l'm going to make the most of it.
Green spaces in our cities are absolutely vital You wanted to say something, sir? Who me? No, sorry, no, l'm just leaving.
Well, thank you for your contribution.
l would like to make one point, if l may? Yes? You're on item one of a 1 9-point agenda, and l feel by the time you reach item two, they'll have actually built the supermarket.
(ln Southern US drawl) You are an excellent shopper, sir.
Why, thank you.
l did a special course at college.
God.
l am absolutely knackered.
- Not too knackered, l hope.
- Why? Well, Pete's out.
Yeah? We've got the house to ourselves.
Yeah, for a couple of hours, at least.
Why, what do you have in mind? - What's brought all this on? - l don't know.
Maybe it was all that shopping.
You are aroused by shopping? - Does that make me a bad person? - l think it probably does.
RACHEL: We could see the world.
South America.
Australia.
lndia.
Hm.
Great! l've always fancied lndia.
Seems a bit ambitious for two weeks, though, doesn't it? lt doesn't have to be for two weeks.
l could ask work for a month off.
A sabbatical.
Well, that's fine for you, but my company's bollocksed if l'm not there.
The important thing to remember is that we can do whatever we want.
Two more years of freedom.
Yeah? Two more years of freedom.
A certain politician once said that there is no such thing as society.
Well, as l look around this hall tonight, that's not what l see.
l see society.
l see a community.
Now, this isn't just about a couple of swings and slides.
Or property prices.
No.
lt's about other people's children.
Children who don't have three-quarters of an acre to run around in.
The insidious erosion of their quality of life.
Now, l'm no hypocrite.
l use supermarkets.
And yes, l want convenience.
Yes, l want groceries.
But not at any price.
For when it comes down to it, what price sticker can you put on the smile of a child? (Thunderous applause) (All cheer) Thanks.
OK.
Ah, you should have been there, Karen.
- Felt the atmosphere.
lt was electric.
- l'm sure you were an inspiration.
So, the playground's saved, is it? Well, obviously, there's still a long way to go, but now the Playground Task Force is up and running The Playground Task Force? Task Force.
Yes.
David, it's two swings and a slide.
lt's hardly the Guns Of Navarone, is it? Well, you were the one who went on about quality of life.
So l suppose you must be the newly appointed Playground Tsar? Yes.
(Giggles) l don't think you're taking me seriously.
- So, where did you go for a drink? - Sorry? You've been drinking.
Oh, just a quick pint, you know, with my comrades.
Well, l've been sort of off the political scene recently.
l was pretty active with the anti-Apartheid movement, of course, but not that much since then, so l suppose Yeah, it's politics with a small P.
So, would you describe yourself as a socialist? A socialist? Um How about socialist with a small S ? How small? That small.
Yeah, well, l suppose l would.
Yeah.
lf the S were small enough.
David, l wanted to ask you something.
But l'm worried it's a bit forward.
Well, you'll never find out until you try.
OK.
l wonder Have you ever considered joining the Labour Party? KAREN: The Labour Party? New Labour, actually.
ls that so surprising? Well, yes, it is, actually, seeing as the only organisation you've ever joined is the RAC.
Do you want to go upstairs? - Are you sure? - No l think l'm sure, yeah.
Sorry, Robert.
l'm a nervous wreck, aren't l? l haven't been in this position for years.
1 5 years.
l'm like a teenager, aren't l? l'm shaking and everything.
Pathetic.
Jenny, it's fine.
Look, do you want me to go? No, l don't.
Look, we can just you know, go upstairs? We don't have to do anything.
Justhave a cuddle, and .
.
just go to sleep, yeah? Actually, l think l quite want sex.
Hello.
Our first visitors.
You must be Adamand Rachel.
l assume l got that the right way round? Come in, come in.
Pete's upstairs.
Thanks.
ADAM: l'd just like to say a few words.
Whilst it's been a pleasure having you to stay, it's even more of a pleasure having you move out.
So, if l may, l'd like to propose a toast to the future.
BOTH: The future.
Well, l suppose it'll do.
For the time being, anyway.
Yeah.
Hey, it'll certainly make a change, living with a gay guy.
Who's a gay guy? Your landlord.
Matthew? Matthew's not gay.
Why are there photos of him and his boyfriend in the hall? That's just his best mate.
l've got pictures of you and me.
Yeah.
Not of us holding hands in our swimming trunks, though.
What about all those musical soundtracks? Loads of straight blokes like musicals.
l loved Les Mis.
Anyway, he can't be gay, he's divorced.
Did you seriously not know? ADAM: lt'll be interesting, a whole new lifestyle.
- He could teach you how to cook.
- And dance down Canal Street.
And at least you'll know this place will always be neat.
Will you stop laughing at me? l cannot tell you how sick l am of watching you two laugh at me.
Sorry, Pete.
We were just having a bit of fun.
That's all it is to you - a bit of fun! You sit there all smug, and then it's back to your cosy little love nest, while l sit here in this dump going out of my skull with loneliness.
Pete, come on.
lt's not that bad.
Adam! How can you say that? Look at me - l'm falling to bits.
l've lost my family.
l'm in a job that l loathe with people l hate.
My friends think l'm some sort of joke.
Jenny despises me.
- Jenny doesn't despise you.
- Rachel! She flinches when l go to touch her.
My wife.
Can you imagine what that's like? And now l look at Jenny.
She's fine.
She's flying.
Dumping me was the best thing that could have ever happened to her.
And meanwhile there's me - the best part of my life over, living here in some shithole with a three-bar fire .
.
an empty bed and just some lonely, weird old queen for company.
Now, you tell me, could it possibly, possibly get any worse? Well, tell me! l did knock, but l don't think you could have heard me.
Erflat-warming present.
l hope you'll be very happy here, Pete.
lf you want me, l'll be downstairs, listening to my Judy Garland records flower arranging, ironing my bandanna, that sort of thing.
Well, good night.
Morning, Barry.
How was your weekend? Action-packed? What's the matter with you? The supervisor wants to see you in his office.
Oh, God! Here we go again.
They're very strict on personal phone calls.
They beat you to death with rolls of fax paper if they catch you.
Well, it's obvious, isn't it? That is someone impersonating me.
We do take matters like this very seriously, Mrs Gifford.
l'm afraid we'll have to issue a formal warning.
What? For making a joke? lt's our policy to regularly screen employees' calls.
lf you have any complaints, l suggest you take it up with your agency.
Right.
Thanks very much.
Listen, just out of interest, how many more formal warnings do l get before l get fired? Just the one.
Good.
Will that do it? (Cheering and applause) See you, Barry.
Keep in touch.
Thanks for coming round, you two.
l was starting to feel a bit mad.
What happened to the joys of motherhood? lt's a myth.
l just miss adults.
Big, properly proportioned people who can walk and talk, and eat solids.
David's never here.
Especially since he's discovered radical politics.
Even when he is, we're too tired to do anything except grunt.
l'm spending so much time with Ramona, l'm beginning to think English is my second language.
l swear to God, you two don't know how lucky you are.
Why are we lucky? Sorry? You, Pete, Jen, you all keep telling us how lucky we are.
l don't feel that lucky.
Why are we lucky? Tell us.
Well, because you've got your freedom.
You mean we don't have kids? Well, no.
You don't yet, do you? Well, l'm sure you will eventually, but - Sorry.
Have l said something wrong? - No, of course you haven't.
Adam What if we can't have them, eh? Will we still feel lucky then? We can have them.
We were going to talk about it in two years' time.
Because we're too scared to talk about it now.
l think l'll go and check up on the twins.
What is wrong with you? - What is wrong with me? - Yes.
Have you forgotten, Rachel, l had cancer? Yes, but you're better now.
Maybe l am, maybe l'm not.
Rachel, why are we avoiding this subject? Why don't we just come out and say it? - l might be infertile.
- And you might not be.
You don't get it, do you? l thought you were pregnant.
l thought you were going to have our baby.
You led me to believe you were pregnant.
- Adam, that is not fair - Then you tell me it was all a stupid false alarm.
You said you didn't mind.
Well, l lied, then! l lied! Don't you think l wasn't disappointed? Eh? l want us to have children too, you know.
So, why aren't we? Why can't we just come out and say, ''We want babies''? Because we can't, and we're scared it will all be my fault.
lt's not your fault! lt's nobody's fault.
lt's easy for you to say.
You're all right.
We all know you can have a baby! ls that what this is about? Hey? No.
No.
Of course not.
You're blaming me because of the abortion.
You think it's all my fault? Rachel, that's not what l meant to say.
l didn't You know, if there's a more pig-ignorant, fat-headed, big-mouthed little bollocks out there, l'd like to meet him.
Oh, Rachel, l'm sorry.
Come here.
Sweetheart, we can't let this ruin things between us.
You're right.
We should face facts, butlet's not let it mess us up.
What are we gonna do? l think l think we should go and see a specialist.
Oh, God! You banked some sperm.
You must have known that one day we might have to use it.
- l suppose so.
- Well, maybe that time is now.
l'm so happy at the moment.
Just us doing what we want to do, but .
.
l don't want it to be just us any more.
And l don't want a new kitchen, or to go to lndia, or to concentrate on my career.
l want us to start a family.
l know, l know.
Me too.
You know, doctors, and tests, and treatment lt just all sounds like such a nightmare.
Well, that depends on how you look at it, doesn't it? You could see it as a nightmare, or you can see it as an exciting adventure.
An exciting adventure? Mm.
So, which member of the Famous Five are you? Right.
What's my next assignment? Well, let me see.
We've just had a call from a china shop.
They need a bull.
Sorry? Jenny, l'm afraid there isn't going to be a next assignment.
You're messing about, aren't you? Every job, you've either been sacked, or you resigned before they could sack you.
Come on.
There must be something.
Not during peacetime, no.
Maybe l'm just unemployable.
Maybe you're just not very good at being told what to do.
Maybe.
So, what are you going to do? l don't know.
Waitressing or bar work, l suppose.
lt'll be all right.
l'll just l'll ask around at some restaurants this weekend.
lt'll be fine.
Er What? About this weekend.
- Oh, yeah? - l was hoping you'd be free.
Why? Well l thought we'd take a little trip.
New York! You're bloody joking! - lt's only for the weekend.
- No.
No way! What about Adam? - lt's your weekend to have him.
- No, from Saturday morning onwards! What, and you can't pick him up on Friday? - Cos you've got plans with Cindy Crawford? - That is not the point! The point is you cannot bear the thought of me having any fun, can you? No, you'd rather l sat on my fat arse and felt sorry for myself.
Jesus Christ, you can be a selfish cow! Yeah, and you can be a self-pitying, stupid bastard! Oh, shut up! Christ! God! We're not handling this very well, are we? No.
No, not really.
No.
Look, you know l've always wanted to go to New York.
- Well, that's half the problem, isn't it? - What is? Because l always wanted to take you.
Pete, you know that's not going to happen now.
Look, l'm sorry.
l am.
But l like Robert.
l don't know what's gonna happen, if it's serious or what, but l like him, and l really need the company, and l want to move on, and l'm really sorry if you're upset, but l've been unhappy for a long time, and l just think this is unfair.
You're not going to change your mind, are you? No.
No, l'm not.
So, you took the precaution of banking some sperm? - When l had the radiotherapy, yes.
- Very wise.
Do you know how much? How much? Erm More than a teaspoonful, less than a pint.
Actually, it was quite hard getting it into the wee jar.
- Why? ls that important? - lt is if you were planning artificial insemination.
lf Adam's supply is cut off, so to speak, then there's a possibility that after a few treatments we might just run out.
And so what's the alternative? lntra-cytoplasmic sperm injection.
(Voice echoes): lf your sperm is in short supply, it's the best option, best option lt's pretty much the same as lVF, but we inject a single sperm into the egg.
lt takes place externally.
We'd have to remove a number of eggs, Rachel.
The procedure .
.
which we can pop back in.
Whatever you choose to do, l think it's probably safe to say it's the most difficult decision you'll ever make.
ADAM: Are you familiar with the word emasculation? Emasculation? Horrible, isn't it? l always thought l was this little bundle of testosterone.
Whenever l slept with someone - and God knows, l've done my share - afterwards, l'd always lie there and think, ''Please God, l hope they're not pregnant, what with me being such a man and all.
'' l thought if a woman sipped my pint she'd have twins.
But now, with Rachel, for the first time, l'm thinking, ''Please, God will you please just let us have a baby?'' All that time, l treated sex as recreation, fun, a laugh .
.
and then, all of a sudden, l realise what it's for.
This very simple, very ordinary, yet beautiful thing.
And l can't manage it.
l can't manage it.
l feel like l'm being punished.
God, listen to me talking like a Catholic.
What does Rachel think about the idea? About the treatment? l'm excited, but l'm scared too.
Basically, if a doctor says there's this procedure that's stressful, painful and fantastically expensive, you're not exactly going to say, '''Way-hey, book me in'', are you? What does Adam think? l don't know.
He hasn't said yet.
l think he's worried about the money.
Four grand! Per treatment.
Times that by four or five, maybe.
Blimey.
Right, l'll get the next round in.
You put your money away.
Scratchings? lt's not just the money, is it? lt'syou know, the stress, the anxiety, and there are all these other questions.
What if there's something wrong with Adam's sperm? Are we going to use a sperm donor? Some complete stranger? Well, it needn't be a stranger.
You could ask someone you already know.
- Darling, have you seen my golf shoes? - Cupboard under the stairs.
Right.
Don't worry.
l wasn't going to suggest it.
lf you ever do run out of sperm, l've got loads going spare.
Thanks, Pete.
l'm touched.
Disturbed but touched.
So, anyway, now you know.
- l'm sorry, mate.
l had no idea.
- lt's all right.
You've got enough to worry about.
Yeah.
So, did Jenny tell you about New York? Uh-huh.
(Sighs) Do you think l'm being a bastard? l think Jenny's having fun and you're not, and that's hard.
Still, it's like that Sting song, isn't it? Englishman ln New York? No.
Russians? Dream Of The Blue Turtles? No.
lf You Love Somebody Set Them Free.
l suppose so.
- l can't help it, though.
l bloody hate that bloke.
- Who? Robert? No, Sting.
TV: Tottenham in front within three minutes of the re-start.
l'm sorry about the other day.
lt's all right.
lf it's going to be a problem, though, it might be a good idea to move out.
No, no, no, it's all right.
lt's just l've been under a bit of stress lately.
Yeah.
l know what it's like.
Me and my wife had a terrible break-up.
What happened? She caught me in bed with our next-door neighbour.
Patrick.
Right.
So, you don't think she over-reacted? So? So We're gonna do this, yes? Yeah.
But together, yeah? Oh, yeah.
And we're gonna look after each other all the time, yeah? Yeah.
And while we're waiting for the doctors and all that Mm-hm? .
.
we're gonna keep trying naturally at every single possible available opportunity.
Yeah? Ooh, yeah.
(Phone rings) - Hello? PETE: Hi, it's me.
Don't worry.
l'm not phoning to moan or shout or anything.
That's a shame.
l just wanted to say, l'm still trying to get used to the idea, but next weekend - you can go to New York with Robert or whatever his name is, and l'll look after Adam, all right? Are you sure? Of course l'm sure.
He's my son, isn't he? Right.
Listen, where are you living? What's going on? l've got a new place.
lt's great.
lt's got ceilings, walls, the lot.
l've got a great landlord.
You'll have to come round.
Listen, that's brilliant.
- Thanks, Pete.
- That's all right.
Um, how are you? Are you all right? Yeah, l think l am.
Yeah.
l'm all right.
Hey, Jenny, give my regards to Broadway, yeah? Yeah.
Thanks, Pete.
Bye.
(Sighs)