Comedy Showcase (2007) s03e02 Episode Script

1 Oh, God.
Lily, that stinks! I've only just changed you.
Oh, bollocks! Bollocks! That was your fault.
Heard the news.
Sorry? Giving you the push, are they? Sorry, do you mind? I'm just trying to send this email.
It's shit, that show, anyway.
Thank you.
What's that Adrian Chiles like? Don't worry, I don't tweet.
I don't know.
Don't he talk much when the camera's off? Do you think I'm Christine Bleakley? Aren't you? No.
Are you sure? I'm not Christine Bleakley.
Who are you, then? I can walk from here.
Ah, I know you.
Don't watch that show.
You're not the only one.
Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.
I'm so sorry.
Have you been in already? No, I was waiting for you.
Siobhan's not here.
Didn't want to go in on my own.
Nightmare, isn't it? Oh, come here.
Oh.
Oh, shit! Oh, sorry.
Is it in my hair? Erm, just a little bit.
Just stay still.
Can you say sorry, please, Lily? Say sorry to Aunty Pip.
Can you just get it out? Yeah.
She's got this horrible cold.
Haven't you, Lilster? Got this horrible cold.
I'm so sorry, Pip, it's just that she's got this horrible cold.
Yeah, you said.
What you doing with her when we go in? I was going to take her.
Do you think she'll be allowed? Why not? I don't know, she might pull something.
It's probably best to wait for Siobhan.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Probably best.
Hi, Barney.
Have they been in touch? And? Sorry, can you speak up a bit, actually? Cos of the traffic.
They're not going to renew my contract.
Right.
Did they say why? Right.
Listen, I'm just on the way to see a friend, so can I call you tonight? No, I'm fine, I'm OK.
I'm fine.
Brilliant.
All right, darling.
All right, bye.
Bye, bye, bye.
Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck! All right, darling.
It's all right.
Are you hungry? Do you want a little milky? Yes.
I'm just going to have to feed her.
Jesus, Sarah.
Here? With all the people? Where else can I do it? Go to the loo or something.
Don't be a wanker.
I'm not feeding my baby in the loo.
Look away if it makes you feel weird.
Bloody hell! Look at the size of them! They've sort of doubled.
You look like Jordan, or the one who died because her tits exploded.
Oh, fuck's sake! Oh, sorry, just chatting.
No, no, not you.
It's her.
It really bloody hurts.
So, how old is Poppy, anyway? Lily, it's Lily.
She's five months.
Can't you give her pots, now? Or a rusk? Bloody love a rusk.
Erm, well, no.
Booby milk is best for the first Booby milk! God, is that what you call it? Oh, God, that makes me want to gag.
Well, breast milk, whatever.
Well, fun as it is staring at your massive tits, I'm going to go for a fag.
Do you want a cup of coffee? Yes, please.
I'd ask if you take milk, but you're packing your own.
Ha ha, you're hilarious! I actually am.
Happy birthday to me Happy birthday dear Happy birthday Happy birthday to me Happy Can we assist you in getting your whereabouts? Your bearings.
Pardon? "Assist you in getting your bearings or help you find your whereabouts?" She's a trainee.
I'm fine, thank you.
Oh, that looks nasty.
Accident? No, I'm fine, it's just my shoe.
Cos Accident and Emergency is in the orange zone, and that, if you look I don't need A&E.
No, if you look, that is over to your left.
I'm going to the ICU.
I'm visiting a friend, so That's dreadful.
It's a hard time for friends and relatives.
That's why we're here to help ease the stresses associated.
Associated stresses.
Yes.
Now, as far as I can see, the ICU is in the lavender zone.
Oh, this map, Judith - it's tiny.
I can't see for looking.
Have you got the big print reader on you? It's back in the booth, Bernie.
Well, thanks for your help.
It's no bother.
It's that way.
Lovely job.
Hey, Seb, it's me.
It's Pip.
Haven't you got my number in your phone yet? No, no, no, no, it's cool.
It's fine.
Just, you know, messing.
No, not yet.
I'm shitting myself, actually.
I bet I probably faint or something.
I don't think I'm going to be very good at this.
Is someone with you? No, no reason.
Just thought I could hear laughing or something.
Yeah.
Yeah, will do.
Yeah.
Erm, Seb I love you, OK? You stupid, stupid twat! Sorry, not you.
Sorry.
That's my bag! Oh, God, sorry.
Sorry.
I just saw the photos.
It's me, Mrs Kay - Sarah.
It's Sarah from school.
Oh, Sarah, love.
Oh, come here.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
So, so, so, so sorry.
Lucy will be so pleased.
Oh, look at you.
It's so horrible, it's such a shock.
Oh, there aren't the words, Sarah, love.
There aren't the words.
God bless you.
Just you, is it? Yeah, I might have known.
Now Siobhan's on telly, she's forgotten her oldest friends.
Oh, no, they're coming.
Pip's just outside getting some air and Siobhan's on her way.
Oh, lovely girls.
And Siobhan come even though she's been sacked, God bless her.
Has she? Read it in the lady bit of the Mail.
And who's this? Hello, lovey! This is Lily.
Number? Number three, actually.
Erm, yeah, number three.
We weren't planning on having three, but here she is.
Ah.
Would you like me to take her for a walk while you're in with Lucy? I promise not to leave her on a bench like my handbag! Well, I was going to take her in with me.
No, Sarah, love.
No, we have to be so careful, you see, with hygiene.
No offence.
It's just that I'd love her to meet her Aunty Lucy.
Aunty Lucy.
Oh, I'm sure it'll be all right.
I mean, she's not got any cold or bugs or anything, has she? No, no.
Not that I know of.
Oh, that's very good, then.
Because apparently the greatest killer of the coma patient is the common cold.
Right.
Have we not seen old town High Wycombe before, Bernie? Siobhan! Oh, Pip.
Brilliant.
Well, thanks ladies.
I've found my friend, so I'm fine.
It's been a pleasure.
Do enjoy your day.
What's happened to your shoe? Just keep walking.
Has she woken up at all? No.
Nothing.
And the doctors have said it's just a waiting game.
I mean, it could be a day, it could be Who knows? Just a waiting game, you see.
I see.
They changed over one of her feeding tubes just now, I thought that might do something, you know, flicker - but no, nothing.
It's just a waiting game.
Is there any blood, or You know, from where the car hit? Not a scratch, Sarah, love.
Not a scratch.
Just like she's sleeping.
Like an angel sleeping - with a catheter.
Aw.
Not a scratch.
Not on her face, mind.
Massive bloody bruise on her rear, though.
I mean, look at this.
It goes from yellow, right the way through black to puce.
Yeah, that is Yeah.
Yes, it's for the claim, you see.
I mean, it was Lucy's fault.
She had her ear-pod in, weren't looking.
But, you never know.
I mean, I've got a friend whose son is a claims handler very large firm - and he told her to tell me to photograph everything.
Even in here.
I mean, this one, I've not once seen him squirt on entry, not once.
Oh.
Not once.
Hello? Hello? Idiot! Oh, here they are.
Ooh! Oh, girls.
Lucy'll be so glad you came.
Has she woken up? Not a murmur, love, not a murmur.
Did the transfer go OK? Well, Lucy's dad was hoping for a helicopter, but, no, it was just by road in the end, so Why was she in Hastings? Probably a work thing.
Well, her friends from work come down Tuesday, or maybe it was Monday.
Yeah, hired a minibus specially.
Well, we would have been here earlier, but Siobhan's schedule Yes, my fault, I know.
I'm sorry.
I came as soon as I could.
Look at you, our famous Siobhan.
I'm not famous.
You came even though you've been sacked.
God bless you.
Have you been sacked? It was in the lady bit of The Mail, apparently.
It's fine.
We are discussing other options, so it's fine.
Yeah.
Have you thought about Loose Women? Not really, no.
Is that where she is? Yeah.
Will she know we're here? No.
But she'd be glad if she did.
Oh, gosh.
I haven't said hello to this one.
Hello, Daisy! Lily.
Shit, sorry.
Hello, Lily! Hello! Aw Where's she going when we go in? I was just going to take her in as Mrs Kay said it would be all right.
Even though she's got a cold? Right, well, I think she'd best stop with me, don't you, love? We'll walk round the grounds.
Oh, I don't think that's a good idea.
You're all right, love.
I've had two of my own.
Bloody hell! Can she hear us? I don't know.
She looks weird, doesn't she? Of course she looks weird.
She's in a fucking coma! I was just saying.
Don't have a go at me.
Come on.
Oh! Oh, my goodness, Lucky.
Look at all these people.
Hello, hello, welcome, welcome.
Hi.
Come in.
Don't be shy, she won't bite.
Make yourselves comfortable.
There's things there to make cup of tea if you want cup of tea, or something like tea, like coffee, if you want cup of coffee.
I'm fine, thank you.
I won't make it for you, darling.
I'm not a waitress, I'm a nurse.
I'm just telling you you can make tea if you want cup of tea or coffee, but I'm not making it for you.
Right.
So how do you know little Lucky then? We were at school together.
You had your friends from the university and now your school-friends.
Oh, God, have they been in already too? Who's that, then? Was it Charlotte? Was it Keeta? Keeta with the teeth? I don't know.
There was a whole bunch.
They brought balloons and all these lovely things.
Oh, God, I didn't bring anything.
Did you? Didn't think about it.
Do you think we should have? I bought her this.
Well, you didn't buy that, it was just It was in your bag.
I did buy it for her.
Pip It's last week's.
She missed it as she was here, obviously.
Now, Lucky, that's all done.
I'll be back in a minute.
Can I get you anything while I'm out? I'm fine, thank you.
I will not be getting you anything, because I'm a nurse, not a waitress.
I told you this already! Didn't she say she was taking Lily for a walk in the grounds? Oh, will you just relax? We're in a hospital, how much harm do you think she can come to? Even if she does, we're in a hospital.
How is that a helpful thing to say? Oh, stop it, you two, please.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Actually, I think it's a little rude bringing balloons and flowers and shit.
I was thinking that.
And look at all this pretty stuff she can't even see, bit rude, actually.
Who sent them? "I'm so sorry "I love you.
Simeon.
"Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss.
" Simeon? Simeon.
Oh.
Does it say, "I'm sorry, comma, I love you," or is it, "I'm sorry I love you"? Does it matter? Let's put it down to a florist with bad grammar.
She didn't tell me she was seeing someone.
Did she tell you? Is Simeon "someone"? No, she didn't tell me.
Siobhan? Hmm? She didn't tell me she was seeing someone, just said she was happy.
Wouldn't tell me why, I presumed it was a "someone".
Why didn't she tell me? Do you think it could be Simeon? Simeon from school, Simeon? No! Simeon swan killer? Do you think? Well, it says Simeon.
Other Simeons do exist.
I've never met another one.
No, me neither.
Do you think he really killed that swan? I heard it was concussion.
I heard it was a duck.
He was a nutter.
It has not been possible to connect your call.
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It has not been possible to connect your call.
Please hang up and try I like her hair lighter.
Shouldn't we We should be talkingtoher.
Oh, yeah.
I like your hair lighter, Luce.
Well, she's had it like that for ages.
Haven't you? You've had it like that for ages.
When did you last see her, then? Hmm, don't know, not long ago.
A while ago if you haven't seen her hair lighter.
You've definitely seen her more recently than me, Sarah.
It's a shame about your shoe.
You could probably glue it, I suppose.
Were they very expensive? Em, I can't remember.
I think they were a freebie.
Why, cos you're on the telly? Who from? Shoe shop.
Yeah, which one? Let's have a look.
Bloody hell! Yeah, see, I don't get that.
Why do they send famous people freebies when they're the only ones that can afford it? It's like some sort of showbiz conspiracy.
I hear Kate Moss can go to any Top Shop in the world and just grab whatever she likes and leave without paying, just walk right out.
Can she? Apparently.
Shit.
Are you two? What? I just wondered Are you looking at? Are you looking at? I've seen it.
If you're looking at what I've seen.
Is it the So, we've all seen it then? Oh, look, it's just a hair on her chin, that's all.
It's just a hair.
Yeah, it's just a hair.
But it's on her chin.
It's perfectly normal, apparently.
Is it? Oh, shut up, Sarah, you know it is.
You get them too.
No, I don't! Oh, please.
What should we do? We can't just leave her lying there with that poking out.
She'd die if she knew.
I didn't mean that.
All I'm saying is, if I was in a coma and had loads of people visiting with balloons and shit, I'd hope one of you would sort out something like that.
Oh, God, she's had all that lot in.
University.
Pip's right.
Promise me right now you'd never just leave me like that.
Oh, yeah, me too.
Not that I've got anything like that.
Fine, so if ever any of us goes into a coma, the others would sort out anything like that, not that we have anything like that.
Promise? Promise.
Starting with Lucy.
Hello? Hello? Hello?! Anyone? Hello?! Right.
Sod this.
One Two Three.
There, done it.
No, you haven't.
I have.
No, you really haven't.
Oh, shit, I got the wrong one.
Oh, she'll get two now.
She won't thank you for that.
If you hadn't talked, I could have done it properly.
I would have done it properly anyway.
Well, go on then.
Fine.
Fine, I will.
Yeah, this one.
Just there.
I knew it! Nurse! Mrs Kay, wait, it was on her chin.
I'll not stand by while you euthanize my daughter! Where's Lily? Nurse, get in here! There's a medical emergency! What have you done with Lily?! Don't just leave there, Mrs Kay, please! Where's my bloody child?! Wait! Wait for me! Wait! Wait!