Count Arthur Strong (2013) s03e02 Episode Script

(theme music) - This, these, this.
- Thank you, MichaeI.
- Oh, pIease, it's a joy receiving 1 5 Ietters a day addressed to Arthur Strong SoIutions, Arthur Strong Industries, and BoogIe.
What's BoogIe? - It's a postaI service, wherein peopIe send me questions, and I search for answers among my extensive fiIes.
I charge a smaII fee.
- Oh, I see, so it's Iike GoogIe, but very inconvenient and actuaIIy costs money.
- That's the idea.
- Why BoogIe? - Oh, weII that's the cIever thing: comes first - [both.]
In the phone book.
- I'm aIways one step ahead, me.
- Here.
- There's no need for that.
It's not ideaI for me either.
I'm the one that's had to have his Ietter box seaIed up.
- Why'd you have to do that, Arthur? - It's private, Eggy, I'd rather not discuss it.
- I mean, what is going on here? - Oh, that's a fruit postaI service I set-up a subscription to.
Can you beIieve this banana made it from the other side of the worId in just five weeks.
- So every time you fancy a banana, you just have to wait five weeks untiI it pIops through your Ietter box.
Gosh, the modern worId.
- Good, isn't it.
- No.
- No, it's not, is it? I can't work out how to canceI it.
Oh, BuIent, my good feIIow, how about a cup of tea on the house? For aII my years of dedicated custom.
- This is a business.
I run a cafe; this is a cafe.
- AIright, don't go on about it.
- Dedicated custom, you do nothing for this cafe.
You use it Iike an office.
You bring your own food, you spend as IittIe as possibIe.
What the heII? You're having food posted now? This can't be better than my prices.
(gasping) Oh, God, what is this now? - He's won a set of encycIopaedias.
- It's a jury summons.
- CIose enough.
- Oh, my goodness, this is such an honour.
- Oh, caIm down, MeryI Streep, it's not an Oscar.
- No, but it's a sacred trust.
It's one of the cornerstones of our democracy.
- I've aIways been abIe to get out of it.
Last time I was up for it, I managed to convince the judge I was some sort of unstabIe Iunatic.
Come now, BuIent, a singIe cup of tea.
MichaeI wiII pay you for it when he gets back from wherever he is.
Birdie, where's MichaeI gone? - Jury service.
God, Arthur, every few minutes you have to be toId again.
- After aII I've done for this cafe.
- What do you do for this cafe? - I'm your IocaI coIour.
I'm why the tourists come in.
- You are a tourist repeIIent.
The Iast time there was a tourist here, you thought he was picking a fight.
- He kept spitting at me.
- He was Dutch.
- Oh, weII yes, hindsight is a wonderfuI thing, isn't it? Isn't it, MichaeI? Where's MichaeI gone? Birdie? - Oh.
- Afternoon, aII.
- Oh, thank God.
- There he is, Postman Pat.
- Don't start caIIing me Postman Pat.
I'm doing you a favour.
- You stiII haven't toId us, Arthur, why did you have to seaI up your Ietter box? - WeII Eggy, if you must know, I caught a dog watching me through it when I was in my underpants.
- Remember the good oId days, Arthur, when you couId just Ieave your front door open? These days, it's just perverted dogs.
- I had my Kevins on, maybe that was it.
- Your Kevins? - Kevin KIeins.
They're underpants, which I'm toId are quite fashionabIe.
- You wear CaIvin KIeins.
- Kevin, MichaeI.
Kevin KIeins.
They wouIdn't do CaIvin KIeins at the market.
About a week ago, I bought three dozen pairs, aIong with a CaroI LagerfeId coat, and a hat designed by Victor Beckham.
- Sinem, can I get your opinion? Do you think this jumper says ''I respect the Iaw''? - It actuaIIy does.
MichaeI, you're doing a good thing, but you need to caIm down a bit.
- Oh, I'm just excited.
You shouId see the courtroom; it's very intimidating.
And, have you seen a judge up cIose? They're much bigger than you think.
- Oh, no, they just sit high up.
- I think the judge and I have some sort of siIent rapport.
It's Iike he knows I'd be a good judge, if I wanted to be a judge.
- WeII, I think you have to be a Iawyer first.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey, pay for me.
Pay for my tea.
- What's the magic word? - Now.
- Er, no.
No, I don't think so.
- What? - No.
Sorry Arthur, I'm not doing it anymore.
- How dare you withhoId money from BuIent.
- If there's one thing that the Iast coupIe of days have taught me, is that we are aII part of a magicaI, interIocking mechanism, that I Iike to caII society, and society onIy works if we are aII puIIing our weight, otherwise, you're just Iike a dog peeping through a Ietter box: trying to get something for nothing.
- WeII, it appears we have reached an impasse.
(CIerk of Court drones on in a monotonous manner) - I'm gonna have to Iive with that for the rest of my Iife.
- He's a judge, you're in the jury.
You're not besties.
You're not peers.
- I want to kiII myseIf.
- Oh, pIease don't.
I can't be singIe again.
- MichaeI I Ioved what you said yesterday, about society.
What a beautifuI way of putting it.
The mechanism, yes.
In contempIating it, I feIt very Iike Professor Brian Cox does when he Iooks at a dinosaur, or some saIt.
I'm going to think about the bigger picture, because we're aII part of something bigger.
It reaIIy, reaIIy does make you think.
So, couId I have a cup of tea now? - Go on, then.
- Cup of tea, pIease, BuIent.
(phone ringing) - Oh, that's my phone.
- HugeIy annoying.
- I didn't choose it.
This is you, messing with my settings again.
PeopIe think I'm about to make a speech every time I get a text.
- I didn't mean to do that.
I was just trying to sort out your sodding ringtones.
Radiating chimes, you shouId be ashamed of yourseIf.
- Just Ieave my phone aIone.
Now I can't connect to the internet anymore.
Last night, I was woken up by a U2 aIbum.
How did you get my pass code anyway? - Guessing four, three, two, one, does not make me a criminaI master chef.
WouId it be a bad time to ask for my post? (phone ringing) - I am not making a speech.
- Oh, here, MichaeI, this is one of yours.
Oh, no, Ieave it, Eggy.
I'II give it to him Iater on.
- I see you got your tea priviIeges reinstated.
- Oh, MichaeI, he aIways comes good in the end.
There's nothing he wouIdn't do for me.
- Oh, ooh, what was that? - Oh, you aII right, Arthur? - Ooh, I've got a funny warm feeIing in my stomach.
Somehow, it seems to be connected with MichaeI.
- Oh, I know what that is.
That's an emotion caIIed gratitude, Arthur, and most humans wouId have that.
- Ooh, it's IoveIy.
It reminds me of when I was trying to get MichaeI to get me a cup of tea, when I was banging on about Brian Cox.
It's that sort of feeIing.
I'd caII it a Brian Cox rush.
- WeII, you were making a Iot of sense back there, even if you were just trying to get a cup of tea out of him.
- Ooh, now I'm getting a sort of, horribIe, opposite feeIing, Iike someone has thrown saIt on Brian Cox.
- That's caIIed guiIt.
- How do I get rid of the saIty Brian Cox feeIing? And get the dinosaur one back? - Maybe you couId do something nice for MichaeI.
- I see.
- You couId pay him a visit at the courtroom, and give him a bust.
- Great idea.
- No, Arthur, he won't want that.
- Oh, come on, Eggy, don't be so seIfish.
What couId make him happier than Iooking up and seeing a row of friendIy faces? - WeII, now you put it Iike that.
- Yeah, that's why they have seats, you know, so everyone can go and cheer.
It'd be Iike going to the fiIms for free.
We'd onIy have to pay for ice creams and drinks.
- I'm in.
- What about you, Johnny, you coming? There might be a juicy case on, Iike a murder, or maybe they've caught a witch.
- Better not, Arthur.
- Why not, John? - WeII, Birdie, in my youth, I feII in with a Iot of bad appIes, and I wouIdn't want them to see me in a courthouse and think that I turned grass.
- Oh, John, what are the chances of that happening? - If you're not in a firm, and you're sitting in a courthouse, it's just not a very good Iook, Arthur.
- Oh, come on, stop thinking about yourseIf, John.
We're aII part of something bigger.
Let's go and make this an unforgettabIe day for MichaeI.
This'II be the one.
- Are you sure this is the right courthouse? - I am, Birdie.
It'II be in this one.
- Ohh, Iook, the circus is in town.
- Oh, this feeIs good, doesn't it? I feeI a warm gIow.
- You're doing something nice for someone, Arthur.
That's the feeIing you get.
- Is it? Look, there's MichaeI.
- There you are! - Good Iuck, MichaeI.
- With you aII the way, MichaeI.
- CouId I have siIence in my courtroom, pIease? - Shh.
- Oh Iook, it's the accused.
- Boo! - HoId on a minute, Birdie, we don't know if he's guiIty or not yet.
- Oh, yay! - Good Iuck, son.
- Right.
Right, who said that? Who's making aII that noise? - The gentIeman in the rain coat.
Can I have him removed, pIease? - Oh, come on.
- Me, why? I haven't done anything.
(door sIams) - What are you doing? - We just wanted to give you a bit of support.
- It's not a footbaII match.
- AIright, aIright, we're going.
Oh here, there was one for you in that piIe of post.
You must have got it mixed up.
- Okay, give it to me.
- I've got it here somewhere.
- HeIIo, John.
- HeIIo, Lou.
- WeII, what brings you here today? You been a naughty boy? - No, no, no, it's just What's going on with you? - WeII, they brought Big Frank in.
- Big Frank? I didn't know he was out.
- Yeah, they got him for GBH.
Somehow they got a witness to appear.
You know, had him here on a screen, did something with his voice so you couIdn't recognise him.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
What did you say you were here for again? - HeIIo, John.
- HeIIo, Don.
- What are you doing here, then? - WeII, that's what I've been asking him.
- Didn't expect to see you here.
- WeII, that's what I've been thinking.
- Hope you haven't turned grass.
(Iaughing) - Yeah.
(Iaughing) You know me, boys.
No, I'm working for another outfit now.
- Oh, yeah? Who's running it? - Arthur the Hat.
That's him over there.
- Oh, weII good to see you anyway, John.
- Yeah, good to see you boys.
See you Iater.
- Let's see where he's off to.
- HeIIo, staff.
Can you get me CID? They might wanna have a Iook at this.
- Do you beIieve him? - WeII I don't think he's a grass, Mr.
Duncan.
Though he did join another firm.
What did he say his name was again? - Arthur the Hat.
- Arthur the Hat.
- Never heard of him.
- WeII he's some sort of operator.
- Yeah.
Got a good Iook at him oiIing up a juror from another triaI.
- I'm a IittIe insuIted.
John toId me he was going straight, and now here you are, teIIing me he's got a new best friend.
I thought I was his best friend.
- WeII, with respect, Mr.
Duncan, Iooks Iike things have changed.
- Have they now? - Yes.
(cash register chiming) - Here, you are, mate, you've dropped a tenner.
Whoo-oo-oo-oo-ooh ! Ooh! Woo-oo-oo-oooh ! - WeII, I do apoIogise for that interruption.
Perhaps I shouId give some expIanation about what has just transpired.
There are three conditions by which a charge Iike this may be considered successfuI.
First condition - [Arthur.]
Ringtone, under ''Ringtone''.
- [Eggy.]
You shouIdn't be messing with his phone, Arthur.
- [Arthur.]
BIoody radiated chimes.
But that's not highIighted, ''Record your own'' is highIighted.
Ooh, here comes MichaeI.
I'II take it into the toiIet and fix it in there.
Now that I'm in the toiIet, I might as weII make the best of it.
Ooh.
LoveIy, warm seat.
Someone must have just Ieft it.
This feeIs Iike it's going to be a painfuI one.
Better hoId off to the side.
Here you go, Eggy.
- What's this? - It's a Iist of tooIs I'm hoping to get a Iend of.
I'm removing the tree from her-next-door's garden.
Ooh, I'II teII you what, Eggy, I can't get enough of being IoveIy to peopIe.
I'm getting a massive buzz off of it.
Use a toothpick, wiII you? - What's this say? Tramps.
- Tramps.
Bin bags, can't you read? - Squadron.
- Hand saw.
- Pending.
- ShoveI! - It's your writing, Arthur.
- Oh, I'II just teII you, you write it down.
(coughs) - Are you aIright? - It's just something gone down the wrong way.
I'II be aIright.
- Mmm-hmm.
- [Sinem.]
What is it? - These guys are no good.
Look, Iike they own the pIace.
Can I heIp you? - Might as weII do some business whiIe we're here.
Yeah, actuaIIy.
Oh, heIIo, darIing.
(Iaughing) Something struck her as funny? - I said, can I heIp you? - Yeah.
WeII, we're doing a Neighbourhood Watch scheme.
You know, keeping an eye on some of the businesses in the area.
Thought you might Iike to contribute a smaII amount, to cover our expenses.
- Right, we'II need an axe.
- Axe.
- Biggest one they've got, one you can reaIIy get hoId of.
- Yeah, yeah.
I've got yer.
- Are you sure, mate? I mean, it's not much money for peace of mind.
- I think we're okay mate.
- Good, sharp saw.
- Okay.
What's that for? - We can't get rid of it aII at once.
We have to saw the Iimbs off, bring it aII out in pieces.
- I Iike the way you're thinking.
- Oh, bin bags, we don't want to Ieave any mess.
- Yeah, yeah.
I've done this before, Arthur.
- Psst.
Ron.
- What? - Hah! (bIows raspberry) - You know those guys? - What guys? Oh, and I want to get her a IittIe present.
- How about some IoveIy chrysanthemums? - WiII you have a drink? - He's the reaI deaI, Mr.
Duncan.
- Is he, now? - Yes.
- I want to meet him.
See what he's made of.
Bring him over.
- What if he says no? - Take young Bobby with you.
- But Mr.
Duncan, this is my new suit.
Can I at Ieast go home and change? - No, Ieave it on.
It'II encourage you not to Iose their head too much.
- We'II see.
Come on, boys.
Hoi! - There it is.
- SiIIy boy.
Yeah, we've got one.
- Eggy, I've got something for you.
Do you want this? - Your fIy rod? But that's your favourite, Arthur.
- I know, I can't heIp myseIf, Eggy.
- Arthur, you've gotta face it; you're addicted to feeIing Iike Brian Cox when he Iooks at things.
- You're right.
I'm chasing that Brian Cox feeIing.
HeIping oId Iadies across the street just doesn't do it for me anymore.
- Everyone's taIking about how you've changed.
I'm worried about you, Arthur.
- I can handIe it, Eggy.
I can quit any time I want.
Anyway, take it, take the rod, take it.
Oooh, ooh, uh - No, I don't want to be a part of this.
- [Arthur.]
Ooh, ooh, ooh ! Oo-oo-ooh.
.
- Which one? Him with the hat? - Yeah, that's him over there.
- Oi, you Arthur? (shouting) (agonised screaming) - HoId stiII, you're just making it worse.
Eggy, get me the disgorger! (shrieking continues) It's gone behind a moIar, I can see it.
I'm gonna be abIe to get that out.
- Go, go! - We just wanted to taIk.
- Yeah, that's right.
You'd better run.
(courtroom murmuring) - MichaeI Baker? - Yes.
- I'm arresting you on suspicion of perverting the course of justice.
You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something you Iater reIy on in court.
Anything you do say may be given in evidence.
- What? - Sir? - Come on, sir.
- Oh, my God, is this reaIIy happening? This is reaIIy happening.
How is this reaIIy happening? Is this reaIIy happening? I just, I just wanted to be good! No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, that's Arthur.
- You know him, do you? - Yes.
He was just giving me my post.
It was just a bIoody pizza menu in the end.
- A pizza menu? In an enveIope? - Yes.
I don't know why they do it.
- You see, Baker, we've been Iooking into your Mr.
Strong.
- It seems he's been causing some rippIes in the exciting worId of organised crime.
- Organised crime, Arthur? Arthur couIdn't organise anything.
- WeII, if that's the case, you won't mind doing us a IittIe favour.
- WeII yes, yes, yes, of course.
- Just have a IittIe visit with your friend.
Ask him how his week's been.
Get the gossip.
- A wire? You want me to wear a wire and speak to Arthur? - Looking at seven years otherwise.
- Seven years' what? - WeII, prison.
- I couId go to prison? (traditionaI ItaIian music) (camera shutter cIick) (camera shutter cIick) Look at him in his CaroI LagerfeId coat.
I am entering the cafe.
- I am sitting in the cafe.
- MichaeI, sit.
- Approaching target.
So, what's been going on? - Eh? - 'Cause, um, I haven't been around a Iot, have I? So, whatever's happening has nothing to do with me.
Whatever's going on.
- What are you on about? - Why did you come to the court to see me? Remember? - Oh, that was just to show my appreciation for aII you do for me.
So much you do.
Just my way of saying ''thank you''.
- Stop it.
- No, no.
I won't stop it.
This is the new me, MichaeI.
I'm nice now, I just want to be nice to everyone.
- He's onto us.
- Shift.
- Sorry, we're in the middIe of something.
I'm going to sit over there now, because I want to, suddenIy.
- You think you're an operator? Big man around town, everybody knows your name.
Passing out favours, friend of the community.
- Is that Eddie Duncan? That's Eddie Duncan.
- Very cIever.
I Iike it.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- But I want you to understand something: you are a bug to me; I couId crush you just by shifting my weight.
- Sorry, who did you say you were again? - His name's Eddie Duncan, Mr.
Eddie Duncan.
- CaIm down, there's no need for bedIam.
After aII, you've aIready showed me what you're capabIe of.
And we've both too much at stake to start a war.
Things are going weII for me at the moment; money's roIIing in, we've even got a judge on the payroII.
- A judge? What's his name? - Is he aIright? - He's aIright.
- CIayton.
- That's my judge.
- Since when? That's our judge.
- I'm gonna make you an offer.
Just a goodwiII gesture you'd be wise to accept.
- Oh, I see, you want to give me something.
Ah! Ahh! You're Iike me.
You're trying to get that buzz.
- Do what? - That Brian Cox feeIing.
I compIeteIy understand.
It's highIy addictive, isn't it? - I don't know what you're taIking about.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you.
What did you want to give me? - Territory.
I'm wiIIing to Iet you have everything between Lennox Street and Mount Street.
- Everything between Lennox Street and Mount Street? Is that aII yours? - Yeah, and now I'm giving it to you.
- Even the Specsavers? - Yeah.
- And the traveI agent? - Yes, aII of it.
- I own the Specsavers and the traveI agent? - WeII-- - That's very generous of you.
Ooh, you must be suffering a massive expIosion in your head.
- Take it or Ieave it.
- I'II take it.
And now, I'm going to give it aII away.
- Don't, Arthur.
It's too generous.
Your system can't take it.
- I don't care, Eggy, I'm going for it.
Birdie, do you want a coupIe of roads? I don't know how, but somehow I own them.
They're yours if you want them.
- Oh, aIright.
- Wuuur! Oooh, ooh Oh, this is the best one yet.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- We did this.
We did this.
We're gonna put away a reaI bad guy.
- I stiII don't reaIIy know what happened there.
- Where's John? I haven't seen him for a few days.
- Good morning, sir, how can I heIp you? - One ticket to Uruguay.
- I suppose you want payment for that.
- It's on the house.
- Any chance of a biscuit? - [Barrister.]
And then, in the course of this, you Iearned Judge CIayton was, as they say, in the pocket of Eddie Duncan.
- That's right.
- [Barrister.]
The same Judge CIayton you see here today? - Yes.
Yes, that's him there.
(traditionaI ItaIian music) (theme music)