Cow and Chicken (1997) s03e02 Episode Script
Horn Envy
1
Hey, Craig! Wait up!
Do you want to go to the video place
with us at lunchtime?
They just got the new
"Immoral Wombat Game" in.
No, thanks.
I've already kicked that game's butt.
Craig's the coolest.
That was him! Isn't he dreamy?
You like Craig?
Oh, yes! I love him!
But he's so small and you're bi
So, "what?"
So beautiful!
Have you talked to him yet?
I can't.
I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't!
Why not?
What if he doesn't like me?
You won't know unless you ask him.
Shut your pie holes!
All right, what's ten with then
this weird symbol thingie and then two?
Oh, me! I know!
Craig?
Five.
Oh, Craig is very smart, isn't he?
Look! There he is!
Now's your chance, Cow!
Go and say "hi"!
Cow? Say something!
Okay.
Hi, Craig!
Craig doesn't like me!
Oh, I'm sure he does, Cow.
Why doesn't he like me? Why?
Maybe your horns are too small?
Yeah!
It's true! They're tiny!
I look like a trout!
I'm a freak!
Hey, Cow?
Get the drift?
Of course!
I don't get it.
Do you like my horns, Craig?
Cow? Are you okay?
I hate my horns!
Let's get some lunch.
You'll feel much better.
All right.
What's your poison?
May I have a couple of your delicious
chocolate chip jumbo weenies,
your Chefness?
Next!
I'll have the weenies, please.
But you can't stand chocolate chip weenies!
Can, too!
Mustard?
Oh, yes, please!
Suit yourself.
Hey, Craig.
Hey, Chicken.
Oh, no!
What do you think you are doin', Cow?
I am eating my lunch.
Your stupid lunch
is stuck to your stupid-it-ier head.
They are my horns.
Pay attention, class!
I'm gonna show you a little
Yeah, whatever.
How to make papier-mache.
All right, you got your glue.
Go get yourself a wire hanger.
Go grab a newspaper or two.
There!
Here's your papier-mache, basically.
Cool!
So, what are yous ladies makin', anyways?
It is a secret. And it is girl stuff.
All right, all ready!
Please, keep it to yourselves.
Put them on, Cow!
Yeah, they're almost dry!
Okay, then.
Hi, Craig.
Everybody inside!
Cow? Chicken?
Time to get up! Rise and shiny!
Remember, it's the school field trip today.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Cow?
I am not going.
Well, but it's the school field trip, Cow!
It's the Rocks Museum this week!
Do not care!
I hate the museum.
I hate school!
I'll have no tantrums in this house.
What's wrong with our Cow, Dad?
I just don't know, Mama.
Her horns sure look cute, though.
Dis-mount!
One, two! One, two! One, two! One, two!
Look lively, Cow!
Okay, class.
You got your moose rack,
your monkey rack,
your cat antlers, your pig rack,
your horse horns.
Hey! Triggle!
Your fish antlers
Hey!
Your rabbit rack, you mice horns,
unicorns, ducks, bears,
squirrels and your basic beaver.
Oh, they're gorgeous!
Antlers fairy princess! ♪
Katie?
Have you seen Craig?
I want to show him my antlers.
You don't want to see Craig.
Oh, of course I do, silly!
He is my future husband.
He's over there.
Craig and Pam?
Oh, she stole him from me!
And she doesn't even have any horns!
I hate these ugly things!
There! I am through with boys forever!
Let's go play jump rope.
Fetching, don't you think?
Easy, moose! I'm not what you think!
Somebody better call their Mom!
Hey, kids,
isn't Oregon the most beautiful place?
Spain next exit!
Cool! Bull fights!
Oh, this is bad.
It ain't as bad as the sewers of Paris
back at the France exit.
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
Cleaning enough.
That's filthy!
It's working!
It's working, Loulabelle!
They call me a horse's butt in Peoria.
A horse's butt!
But I am not a horse's butt.
I.M. Weasel!
We've done it!
Time traveling underwear!
With these babies, we can go anywhere
in the space-time continuum.
Excusing me.
But if I.R. wearing time panties,
that meaning I.R. could changing history
and becoming king of the world?
Yes, of course.
However, that would be unethical.
Much like
it would be unethical to eavesdrop
on someone else's conversation.
Or to break someone else's window.
Would it be unethical to tickle
someone else's grandma?
Yes, Loulabelle.
That's an excellent example.
Stealing another person's underwear
would be another one.
Great giblet gravy no!
You cannot stopping I.R.!
I.R. changing histo
Jimminey Coleslaw!
We've gone back to a time
when the world was flat,
and dinosaurs ruled the Earth!
This is incredible!
What majestic beasts.
Amazing!
And me without my camera.
What big chickens laughing at?
Man! Your stinky red butt
has killed the dinosaurs!
Do you realize what you've done?
You have brought dishonor to all baboons!
Wait a minute.
Dinosaurs are suppose to be extinct.
This sequence of events
must have been predestined.
Intriguing.
Shoving off, Weasel!
I.R. time traveling!
He got lucky this time,
but that crazy chimp
could still destroy history!
Oh, look yonder, Peasant.
These ugly little trolls
have come from the spirit world
to witness my invention.
I, the Earl of Flem,
have invented eyeglasses.
I.R. needing eyeglasses,
to cure my eye-pox.
If we are witnessing
the invention of eyeglasses,
we must not interfere.
First,
I shall taketh these glasses as onions,
and place-eth them
over the squinty person's eyes.
Doest thou see any better?
No!
But the onion doest make me cry!
Oh, thine eyes an infested with
eye demons!
These poor primitives still believe in
'eye demons.'
Oh, we must act quickly.
Stick your head in this fryer basket.
Now, man!
Women and children
don't-eth try this at home.
This peasant
is a professional boiling oil stunt man.
Into the boiling coconut oil.
How doest thou feel?
Crispy.
No!
My invention is a failure!
Oh, eyeglasses lookin' yummy.
Onion ringie tasty.
Thou can eat onions?
Thou can eat onions!
Yes!
I have invented a new type of food!
Amazing!
Baboon must be destined to correct
histories blunders.
I, too,
am a professional boiling oil stunt man.
Believe me.
You don't want to try this at home.
Bye-bye, Weasel.
I.R. destroyed history
and I go home to be king.
You're back!
It was incredible, Loulabelle!
Why, this un-evolved simian
actually saved history.
That's so exciting!
Of course, he couldn't have done it
without my guidance.
I'll explain it all to you
over some milk-shakes and onion rings.
So, if it weren't for you, Baboon,
the Earth would be overrun with dinosaurs,
and people would eat dinosaur steaks
instead of burgers.
And what a horrible world that would be.
Oh, I.R. hero!
Where are those onion rings?
Here you go.
Oh, the pain!
One order of onion rings!
Thank you!
I wish there were an easier way
to make these.
Hey, Craig! Wait up!
Do you want to go to the video place
with us at lunchtime?
They just got the new
"Immoral Wombat Game" in.
No, thanks.
I've already kicked that game's butt.
Craig's the coolest.
That was him! Isn't he dreamy?
You like Craig?
Oh, yes! I love him!
But he's so small and you're bi
So, "what?"
So beautiful!
Have you talked to him yet?
I can't.
I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't!
Why not?
What if he doesn't like me?
You won't know unless you ask him.
Shut your pie holes!
All right, what's ten with then
this weird symbol thingie and then two?
Oh, me! I know!
Craig?
Five.
Oh, Craig is very smart, isn't he?
Look! There he is!
Now's your chance, Cow!
Go and say "hi"!
Cow? Say something!
Okay.
Hi, Craig!
Craig doesn't like me!
Oh, I'm sure he does, Cow.
Why doesn't he like me? Why?
Maybe your horns are too small?
Yeah!
It's true! They're tiny!
I look like a trout!
I'm a freak!
Hey, Cow?
Get the drift?
Of course!
I don't get it.
Do you like my horns, Craig?
Cow? Are you okay?
I hate my horns!
Let's get some lunch.
You'll feel much better.
All right.
What's your poison?
May I have a couple of your delicious
chocolate chip jumbo weenies,
your Chefness?
Next!
I'll have the weenies, please.
But you can't stand chocolate chip weenies!
Can, too!
Mustard?
Oh, yes, please!
Suit yourself.
Hey, Craig.
Hey, Chicken.
Oh, no!
What do you think you are doin', Cow?
I am eating my lunch.
Your stupid lunch
is stuck to your stupid-it-ier head.
They are my horns.
Pay attention, class!
I'm gonna show you a little
Yeah, whatever.
How to make papier-mache.
All right, you got your glue.
Go get yourself a wire hanger.
Go grab a newspaper or two.
There!
Here's your papier-mache, basically.
Cool!
So, what are yous ladies makin', anyways?
It is a secret. And it is girl stuff.
All right, all ready!
Please, keep it to yourselves.
Put them on, Cow!
Yeah, they're almost dry!
Okay, then.
Hi, Craig.
Everybody inside!
Cow? Chicken?
Time to get up! Rise and shiny!
Remember, it's the school field trip today.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Cow?
I am not going.
Well, but it's the school field trip, Cow!
It's the Rocks Museum this week!
Do not care!
I hate the museum.
I hate school!
I'll have no tantrums in this house.
What's wrong with our Cow, Dad?
I just don't know, Mama.
Her horns sure look cute, though.
Dis-mount!
One, two! One, two! One, two! One, two!
Look lively, Cow!
Okay, class.
You got your moose rack,
your monkey rack,
your cat antlers, your pig rack,
your horse horns.
Hey! Triggle!
Your fish antlers
Hey!
Your rabbit rack, you mice horns,
unicorns, ducks, bears,
squirrels and your basic beaver.
Oh, they're gorgeous!
Antlers fairy princess! ♪
Katie?
Have you seen Craig?
I want to show him my antlers.
You don't want to see Craig.
Oh, of course I do, silly!
He is my future husband.
He's over there.
Craig and Pam?
Oh, she stole him from me!
And she doesn't even have any horns!
I hate these ugly things!
There! I am through with boys forever!
Let's go play jump rope.
Fetching, don't you think?
Easy, moose! I'm not what you think!
Somebody better call their Mom!
Hey, kids,
isn't Oregon the most beautiful place?
Spain next exit!
Cool! Bull fights!
Oh, this is bad.
It ain't as bad as the sewers of Paris
back at the France exit.
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
Cleaning enough.
That's filthy!
It's working!
It's working, Loulabelle!
They call me a horse's butt in Peoria.
A horse's butt!
But I am not a horse's butt.
I.M. Weasel!
We've done it!
Time traveling underwear!
With these babies, we can go anywhere
in the space-time continuum.
Excusing me.
But if I.R. wearing time panties,
that meaning I.R. could changing history
and becoming king of the world?
Yes, of course.
However, that would be unethical.
Much like
it would be unethical to eavesdrop
on someone else's conversation.
Or to break someone else's window.
Would it be unethical to tickle
someone else's grandma?
Yes, Loulabelle.
That's an excellent example.
Stealing another person's underwear
would be another one.
Great giblet gravy no!
You cannot stopping I.R.!
I.R. changing histo
Jimminey Coleslaw!
We've gone back to a time
when the world was flat,
and dinosaurs ruled the Earth!
This is incredible!
What majestic beasts.
Amazing!
And me without my camera.
What big chickens laughing at?
Man! Your stinky red butt
has killed the dinosaurs!
Do you realize what you've done?
You have brought dishonor to all baboons!
Wait a minute.
Dinosaurs are suppose to be extinct.
This sequence of events
must have been predestined.
Intriguing.
Shoving off, Weasel!
I.R. time traveling!
He got lucky this time,
but that crazy chimp
could still destroy history!
Oh, look yonder, Peasant.
These ugly little trolls
have come from the spirit world
to witness my invention.
I, the Earl of Flem,
have invented eyeglasses.
I.R. needing eyeglasses,
to cure my eye-pox.
If we are witnessing
the invention of eyeglasses,
we must not interfere.
First,
I shall taketh these glasses as onions,
and place-eth them
over the squinty person's eyes.
Doest thou see any better?
No!
But the onion doest make me cry!
Oh, thine eyes an infested with
eye demons!
These poor primitives still believe in
'eye demons.'
Oh, we must act quickly.
Stick your head in this fryer basket.
Now, man!
Women and children
don't-eth try this at home.
This peasant
is a professional boiling oil stunt man.
Into the boiling coconut oil.
How doest thou feel?
Crispy.
No!
My invention is a failure!
Oh, eyeglasses lookin' yummy.
Onion ringie tasty.
Thou can eat onions?
Thou can eat onions!
Yes!
I have invented a new type of food!
Amazing!
Baboon must be destined to correct
histories blunders.
I, too,
am a professional boiling oil stunt man.
Believe me.
You don't want to try this at home.
Bye-bye, Weasel.
I.R. destroyed history
and I go home to be king.
You're back!
It was incredible, Loulabelle!
Why, this un-evolved simian
actually saved history.
That's so exciting!
Of course, he couldn't have done it
without my guidance.
I'll explain it all to you
over some milk-shakes and onion rings.
So, if it weren't for you, Baboon,
the Earth would be overrun with dinosaurs,
and people would eat dinosaur steaks
instead of burgers.
And what a horrible world that would be.
Oh, I.R. hero!
Where are those onion rings?
Here you go.
Oh, the pain!
One order of onion rings!
Thank you!
I wish there were an easier way
to make these.