Doom Patrol (2019) s03e02 Episode Script

1
This moment in history is
ours to do with what we will.
The hour upon us is dark.
Our very way of life is under attack.
Our dedication to evil, besieged.
But we will not shy from adversity.
Niles Caulder will be stopped.
Evidently, he's taken
out our man in Paraguay.
And that insufferable
Eric Morden along with him.
- Je m'en fous.
- In light of this new intelligence,
it appears we're next on his list.
However, it'll take
much more than whatever
two-bit army Caulder's
building to stop us.
Monsieur Mallah
Send him in.
Kindly send him in, please.
- I thought you said this was fixed.
- It was working this morning.
We have access
to the most intelligent alien technologies.
- Give me a second
- And we can't even Oh, God damn it.
- Let me just try and see
- Just leave it. Leave it!
- Oh, okay. Fine. Okay.
Maureen, send him in!
Behold!
Garguax the Decimator!
Eater of worlds!
Annihilator of Zortain!
Raider of the seven
galaxies of Cressida!
It's just us, Samuelson. Relax.
Thank you for coming, Garguax.
You've already been
briefed, so I'll be quick.
Our crusade against Caulder is
in jeopardy, and we need back up.
When this transponder gives the
signal, you'll know the targets onsite.
She must be eliminated
swiftly and with severity.
Of course.
And who is the target?
You're our most trusted ally, Garguax.
We're counting on you.
The fate of our entire
organization rests in your hands.
Make us proud.
Week one. We're in.
No sign of the target.
But when she dares to show
her face, we'll be ready.
In the meantime, our presence
here will go completely unnoticed.
Behold!
Garguax The Decimator!
Eater of worlds!
Annihilator of Zortain!
Raider of the Seven
galaxies of Cressida.
Jim Thompson. Life Group Insurance.
And he said to me,
"I am a proctologist."
And I say, "Great!
Then you shouldn't have any trouble
Pulling your head out of your ass.
Week 87.
Still no sign. Ever vigilant, Garguax.
Week 143.
Still no sign.
Week 247. Week 292. Still no
sign. Still no sign. Still no sign.
Still no sign. Ever vigilant, Garguax.
Week 326.
Still no sign. Ever vigilant, Garguax.
My Lord
My Lord
My God
Week 2189.
Still no sign of the
target. Ever vigilant
God damn it!
There are mysterious
things in this world
that bear keeping an eye on
Shit
Shit
Shit!
Shit!
Oh!
Ah!
God damn it, Larry. Where
are you when I need you?
Is that what I think it is?
Is that your home, pal?
You wanna show me your home?
Oh, God
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Hey, little buddy. It's okay.
I gotcha. I gotcha.
It's okay.
All good. I'm on it.
Think this little hellraiser was
just looking for some attention.
Which is why we were hoping
to let him cry it out,
so that he can start
going to sleep on his own.
What? No!
You can't spoil a baby
in the fourth trimester.
He'll get into a rhythm when he's ready.
Okay. Thanks, Cliff.
It's okay, sweet boy. It's okay.
Dad, is your hand
Turkey cheddar sandwiches
are out in the kitchen.
Toasted the rolls, just like you like.
I put together the new stroller.
Finished up a load of laundry,
and I'll swing by the market
to grab some more diapers
for Professor Poopypants here.
Anything else you want
me to get while I'm there?
Uh, no, I think we're good.
Okay. Cool, cool, cool.
I'm gonna go get the mail.
Awesome.
I get the guy wants to
make up for lost time,
but does he got to do it all at once?
He's just excited. Hey, have you by
any chance noticed how his hand
Oh, God.
Uh, sorry, a bit jammed up. Baby's fine.
Just a little sun shower.
Hey.
It's okay, Rory. It's okay.
You all right?
Yep! This is just It
happens sometimes. All good.
All right.
Come on, you stupid fucking piece
of shit robot body. God damn it!
Call initiated.
You're shitting me.
I shit you not, dude.
Our lead on the Quorom
breach checked out.
Evers had help.
Who? Wait.
Let's not talk on open line.
Call terminated.
Grid.
Run another facial recognition
search on Roni Evers.
Scanning.
Inconclusive.
Where are you?
Grid, cross check her last
known whereabouts with
Mandatory shutdown initiated.
Grid, what are you
What the hell?
- Let me explain.
- Explain what?
Why I'm standing here
calling you from a flip phone
I haven't used since middle school?
I was gonna call,
but things have been a bit
tense around here lately.
What's going on?
Your actions had consequences.
- That's what's going on.
- What?
Quorum sent S.T.A.R. Labs their
security feed from a few days back.
And guess who made quite a cameo.
All right. I know how it looks.
I won't sit here and pretend to
understand why you did what you did.
But this is bad.
No matter the excuse,
at the end of the day,
Cyborg let a criminal go free.
That's all I am to you?
Cyborg, brought to you by S.T.A.R. Labs.
Don't even try it.
- We both know that's not true.
- Isn't it?
If it were, I wouldn't be
doing everything in my power
to smooth this over and save your ass.
So, maybe a little gratitude?
They can't just shut me down.
You shut yourself down, son.
There's got to be something I can do.
Don't do anything to piss them
off more than you already have.
- Just lie low.
- Can I at least just
Just. Lie. Low.
Excuse me?
Hello?
A little help, please?
Hello?
Ugh
What the hell happened?
Oh, just one of my episodes.
I need to get out of here.
I'll get the sump pump.
I mean, out of this insufferable house.
Everywhere you turn in this place,
it's Niles, Niles,
Niles. It's exhausting.
All right. So take a walk.
I was thinking more like a vacation.
A proper vacation.
I can't go on vacation right now.
- I got a lot going on.
- Oh, really?
Like what?
I'll get my laptop.
That won't be necessary.
Oh. Hey.
- I wanna say, um
- Secretary.
If you need assistance
booking travel, allow me.
Done.
Codsville Mountain Resort.
It satisfies all the requirements
I assume you're looking for.
All-inclusive, inexpensive,
remote, quiet, cable TV and
bottomless mimosa brunches
every day in a place
called the "Bing-Bang Room."
Sold!
You coming?
Oh!
I'm saving up my vacation
days for a trip to Dollywood.
Okay. But does Jane wanna come?
I'm sorry.
Jane's currently unavailable.
Kay?
What are you doing up here?
I was curious.
It's been a while
since I last looked out.
I didn't even think you
knew this place existed.
- Are you okay?
- I was going to ask you the same thing.
What do you mean?
Niles.
He's gone now.
- Are you sad?
- It's complicated.
But I'm fine.
They're going on a trip.
I'll tell them bon voyage.
We're not going?
I don't really need a vacation.
Wait, do you wanna go?
I think we should.
I think it might be good for you.
I'm in.
But you fuck rags better not ruin this.
Hoorah!
Victor, fetch the sump pump.
What about Tin Man?
Fuck!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fucking shit body. Fuck!
- Still no luck?
- Any second now.
You sure there's no one we can call?
Sweetie, It's fine. I'm okay.
Really.
This doesn't have anything to
do with your hand issue, does it?
What hand issue?
Dad
Come on, seriously, I'm not
stupid. I've seen your hand tremor.
Oh, that? It's nothing.
It's probably just some built up
electrical discharge or some shit.
Mel's mee-maw had a similar issue.
Before she
before she passed away.
Mel's mee-maw?
Who died when she was like 193?
What was it?
Parkinson's.
Well, that sucks.
But last I checked, robots
don't get Parkinson's.
- Maybe robots with human brains can?
- Uh-huh
Look, I'm not trying to
freak you out or anything.
I just think you need
to get it checked out.
I'm fine.
Dad
I am really happy we're in
each other's lives again.
I am.
But if you're going to
keep looking after Rory
and driving my wife nuts in the process,
I need to be sure it's safe.
For his sake.
And also I love you.
I love you, too.
Hey, dipshit.
Oh. Hey guys.
- We're going on vacation.
- Huh. Nice suitcase?
Not a suitcase.
It's a useless sack of shit.
I heard that. It's me, Cliff.
- Rita.
- Like I said.
So, you in or what?
Fuck yes.
Oh, uh
Can someone do me a solid and
knock me on my ass real quick?
That usually loosens me right up.
You sure that's really such a
With fucking pleasure!
Thanks, Hammerhead!
What a ghost town.
Was this really the best
place Secretary could find?
Is it dreadful?
Please tell me it's not dreadful.
- Well, there's a lake.
- Oh.
This says not to swim.
Leeches gather along the shoreline.
- Oh, dear God.
- Quiet, sack.
They have Wi-Fi, right?
They have a rotary phone in
the lobby for $2.99 a minute.
But it seems like there's lots
of cool activities on the grounds.
Like that one.
What is it?
It's called The Backbone.
Quickest way to discover
who you really are.
The only way to reach the top
is to let go of all your fear.
Ooh, says here back in
the '70s, Nixon climbed up,
and when he came back down, he resigned.
Huh!
What was that?
Hey, pal.
Negative Spirit release.
Where'd you go?
You're not actually going
to climb that thing, are you?
Why? What's the problem?
- It's a death trap.
- Chickenshit.
All right. Up you go.
You going to get that
checked out any time soon?
Jesus Christ, you
sound like my daughter.
What the hell's the point
in getting me checked out?
So you can find out what's wrong?
And then what? Sink into
another 20 year depression
when I also find out that there's
nothing I can actually do about it?
- Maybe there is.
- Right. 'Cause I'm that lucky.
Nah! If I'm living on borrowed time,
I'm not going to waste
it like I did before.
I'm going to enjoy the
ever-living fuck out of it.
And finding out I might have some
terminal disease isn't exactly
my idea of a fucking party.
Got that, baby blue?
I was wondering how long it would
take you to give me shit about this.
Seriously, what's the deal?
I'm kind of on ice right now.
S.T.A.R. Labs isn't too happy with me.
Roni got into some trouble and
I tried to help her out of it.
Makes sense.
- You love her.
- Whoa! It's not about that.
I was just trying to
give her another chance.
- Help her go in a different direction.
- 'Cause you love her.
No, 'cause she's a good person
who got dealt a bad hand.
And she deserves better.
I was just trying to give her that.
- 'Cause you
- This is not about Roni, all right?
I just don't like
having my wings clipped.
That's all.
I'm Cyborg.
My tech is part of who I am.
Your tech is just a bunch of
tangled wires and twisted metal.
It's got nothing to do with who you are.
Trust me.
Unfurrow your brow, Jane.
You can't afford the frown lines.
You can't even see me.
I don't need to.
Are you going to relax
at all on this vacation?
Mmm. I'm relaxed.
She said with ever the defensive tone.
Look, I'm just not
built to kick back, okay?
- That's not my job.
- I see.
But surely the others won't begrudge you
a little well-deserved
time for self-care?
They don't.
They've actually been
trying to help out more.
Even the girl.
But that's not how
it's supposed to work.
I'm the one who looks out for her,
not the other way around.
I guess I've just been a
little off lately 'cause
Whatever. It doesn't matter.
What about you?
Is this place helping
with your situation?
Let's see.
Not yet.
To be completely honest,
I'm not in any particular
hurry to reconstitute.
- Why not?
- Even if I could manage to pull myself together,
what's the point?
Who would I even be?
I tried to be Rita Farr, I failed.
I tried to be the Beekeeper, I failed.
And poor Gertrude Cramp,
she never even had a chance.
Yeah. Wait, who the
fuck is the Beekeeper?
A failed effort to reinvent myself.
However, I think "Amorphous
putty woman" suits me better.
Even if this vacation
fails to restore my body,
at the very least, we're out
of the Chief's dismal flophouse.
It's a bit difficult
to move past one's grief
when you're still eating
the departed's rocky road.
He really was a rat bastard, wasn't he?
What a cruel thing to say about rats.
First he ruins our lives,
and then he just abandons us.
Unforgivable.
Thank heavens we're finally free of him.
Yep.
So it's settled then?
We're glad he's gone.
Yep.
I'm fine. I'm fuckin' fine.
I don't need to get checked out.
Why don't you get fuckin' checked out?
Everyone needs to fuckin' relax.
Sounds like you're the
one that needs to relax.
Uh, oh, sorry. Didn't think
anyone else was in here.
No problem.
You know
this place will do wonders
for you if you let it.
Garguax the Decimator.
- Cliff Steele.
- Pleasure.
- First time at the resort?
- Yeah. You?
Technically, sure.
Yeah, I've been here a while, though.
Hey, have you tried that
Backbone thing by any chance?
Fuck no.
You think I got a death wish?
If I was a younger man, maybe. But
Nah, those days are behind me now.
I hear you, brother.
I'd give my left wingnut to claw
back a couple of the good years.
Yeah, when it was good,
it was really fucking good, wasn't it?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, man.
When I was at the top of my game
and I saw something I wanted,
I just took it. No questions asked.
Same here. I was a shitty asshole,
but I was the best goddamn
shitty asshole there ever was.
I had everything!
Then one day, boom.
Boom.
Nothin'.
- Best years of my life
- Gone.
Thought maybe, just maybe,
I might be able to crawl
out from under the wreckage,
put a few of the broken
pieces back together.
But lately, uh
I don't know.
Time, man.
It's a real kick in the ass, ain't it?
Yeah.
- Fuckin' Niles Caulder!
- Fuckin' Niles Caulder.
- That fucking guy.
- That fucking guy!
- What did he do to you?
- Oh, nothing.
I just had this whole
bright future ahead of me,
and that fucking guy
blew it the fuck up.
Yep, that sounds like fucking Niles.
Well, we're better men now, I guess.
Yeah, I guess.
Yeah. There comes a time where
you just gotta give in to your fate
and say, "Fuck it."
You know what I mean?
Um sure.
See you around, Cliff.
Yeah. See ya.
- God, I miss alcohol.
- Ugh.
Are we sure there's
actually any in here?
Or is it just some mystery mix
of red and blue sugar water?
I don't know, Rita.
Why don't I go get the mixologist
and ask her which
top-shelf booze she used
to make our $6 scorpion bowl?
This place blows.
Behold! Garguax the Decimator.
Eater of worlds. Annihilator of Zortain.
Raider of the seven galaxy
What in the ever-loving fuck?
What is it? What's going on?
- Hey, Cliff.
- Hey, Garg.
Um, who the hell is that?
Who? Garguax? Oh, he's
my new resort buddy.
Nice guy. You know, you always realize
what a small world it is
when you go on vacation.
Turns out he hates Niles'
fucking guts as much as we do.
- What are the odds?
- Wait, wait. He knew Niles?
Guess so.
My Lord, who are those guests?
I don't know who the other ones are,
but, uh, the robot guy is Cliff.
He's good people.
There are meta-humans
staying at this resort?
Don't know.
Anyone else think there's some
kind of cause for concern here?
I'll ask again. What is going on?
Well, a red alien guy just
called a green alien guy
"Garguax the Decimator." So not much.
- Are they supervillains?
- What?
No!
It's probably just a dumb nickname.
Oh. Yeah.
He probably just picked it up at
his freshman year at Dartmouth.
So we're really just gonna sit here?
Look, even if the guy's a supervillain,
which he's not, he's
clearly on vacation.
Yeah, or retired.
So why don't we let low-budget Shrek
and his buddy eat in peace, yeah?
If you're looking to me for
backup, Victor, don't bother.
My buzz is finally kicking in.
No.
Hey, fellas.
I'm Cyborg.
On our home planet,
that word, "Cyborg,"
means "Fish fucker."
I'm sorry, do we have a problem here?
There's no problem here, Mr. Cyborg.
We're just trying to enjoy our vacation.
- That's all I'm askin'.
- That's all I'm askin'.
Okay. Thank you, Columbo. Now
I'll leave you fellas to it.
We worked it out.
Our hero.
That guy said Garguax eats worlds.
I really think we should do something.
I'm confused. I could've sworn
you said you worked it out.
Come on. This is a layup.
Taking this guy on is the lowest
possible superteam bar we can clear.
Not a superteam, Blue Steel.
- Yeah, Old Blue Eyes.
- Yeah, Blue Light Special.
Nice.
Not for nothing, but maybe
you shouldn't be judging
who is and who isn't a villain.
If you were willing to look the
other way for your girlfriend,
- why not this guy?
- Leave her out of this.
- Just sayin'.
- You said it yourself, Cliff.
Garguax was an enemy of Niles.
We should do this for him.
You got it twisted, Blue Balls.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
If that guy hates Niles,
that's all I need to know.
Why don't we all just
take a breath and relax?
We're on vacation.
A vacation for what?
Look, a vacation implies
you actually have a job
that you need to take a break from.
We don't do anything.
That's not true.
I'm sorry, I forgot.
So, uh, is this how the Beekeeper
would handle the situation?
Apparently so.
Looking the other way is what I do best.
Add the Chief's faith in me
to the list of his many faults.
He foolishly believed I
was destined for heroism,
but when the call to action
actually came, I promptly hung up.
What are you talking about,
sad sack? What happened?
Niles left me a key to a
secret compartment in the manor.
Last night, a strange
device was emitting
some kind of unbearably vexing signal.
I can't be sure what it was,
but it's entirely possible
someone was in need of help.
And you didn't say anything?
No, Victor, I didn't say anything.
I didn't do anything.
I did the exact opposite of
what a hero is supposed to do!
I came on vacation.
If I'm going to be honest with myself,
then I should at least get to be myself.
I'm no hero.
The Beekeeper was yet
another mediocre role
I played to middling reviews.
Another pathetic attempt
at relevance in a world
that would sooner see me forgotten.
A quiet obscurity
worked well enough
for decades. I mean
Perhaps it's time I
returned to what I know.
You did nothing wrong.
How can you say that?
Not a superteam.
Maybe we should leave stuff like this
to the people who are actually
equipped to deal with it.
That's us!
Look at me.
I'm literally equipped to deal with it!
- Not anymore.
- You know what, Cliff
How about you take a break
from the hero shtick,
Cyborg, and just be?
For a minute!
That's why we all came here, right?
You all got your own shit to deal with.
- I got my own shit to deal with.
- You mean "avoid."
Oh, fuck all the way off, dude.
What is he talking about?
You wanna tell 'em or should I?
Okay, I'll tell 'em.
Cliff has a brain issue and
he won't do anything about it.
- Are you okay?
- Will everybody stop fucking asking me that?
I'm fine, okay? I'm fine!
And before you ask, no!
I'm not gonna get it checked out.
Even if I wanted to, who's gonna do it?
The one guy who might have known
how to help me is dead, remember?
Niles is fucking dead!
He stuck my fucked up brain
in this fucked up body,
and now he's worm food!
And you want me to do this for him?
Fuck him! I don't owe him
jack-motherfucking-squat.
None of us do!
So fuck his little secret compartment
and fuck his little green nemesis!
His shit is not our
shit. I'm fucking done!
Give it a rest, dude!
Just 'cause you're in the penalty
box, doesn't make us your plan B.
You wanna be the Chief's badass
crime-fighting Doom Patrol so badly!
But that's just not who we are.
When are you gonna get that
through your thick metal skull?
Man, screw all y'all.
I knew it. I knew it!
The second I laid eyes on that
bunch, I knew something was amiss!
This is it, My Lord.
Our time has finally come.
My Lord? What are you doing?
We're done, Samuelson.
It's over.
Over?
You said you heard them talk
of Caulder and his Doom Patrol.
You saw her, she's finally here.
This is it!
Niles is dead. And that
poor woman's a wreck.
She's not gonna be harmin' anyone.
Just leave her alone.
"Leave her alone."
"Leave her alone"?
More than 70 years we've waited.
Day after day after day,
and now the moment we've been
waiting for finally arrives, and
And you wish to do nothing?
They're nice people.
And clearly no more beholden to
Niles than we are to the Brain.
- We are beholden to the Brain.
- No.
That thing has never given us a signal.
And it never will.
Maybe that was our mission once, but
missions are supposed
to serve a greater cause.
That cause has long passed.
I can't believe what I'm hearing.
The Brain's cause is still our cause.
We cannot give up on the mission.
We're not giving up on the mission.
The mission gave up on us.
Thank you for your service, old friend.
But it's time to move on.
My Lord, you're not thinking clearly.
My mind hasn't been this
clear in a long time.
Start packing your things.
We leave tonight.
This is a good thing, Samuelson.
We're finally free.
Fucking Niles.
I'm fucking done with all this bullshit!
I have my own shit to deal with.
And I don't avoid it. I deal with it.
Fuck!
I fuckin' deal with it!
Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck! Fuck!
I thought we were done with all this.
The bandages, the special suits.
This was supposed to be a fresh start.
We were supposed to be one.
I thought we were in this together.
Can you imagine when
this race is won ♪
Turn our golden faces into the sun ♪
Praising our leaders ♪
We're getting in tune ♪
The music's played by the ♪
The mad man ♪
Forever young ♪
I want to be forever young ♪
Do you really want to live forever? ♪
Forever, and ever ♪
Forever young ♪
I want to be forever young ♪
Do you really want to live forever? ♪
Forever young ♪
Some are like water ♪
Some are like the heat ♪
Some are a melody
and some are the beat ♪
Sooner or later they
all will be gone ♪
Why don't they stay young? ♪
It's so hard to get
old without a cause ♪
I don't want to perish
like a fading horse ♪
Youth's like diamonds in the sun ♪
And diamonds are forever ♪
So many adventures
couldn't happen today ♪
So many songs we forgot to play ♪
So many dreams swinging
out of the blue ♪
We let them come true ♪
Forever young ♪
I want to be forever young ♪
Do you really want to live forever? ♪
Forever, and ever ♪
Forever young ♪
I want to be forever young ♪
Do you really want to live forever? ♪
Forever, and ever ♪
Forever young ♪
I want to be forever young ♪
Do you really want to live forever? ♪
Forever young ♪
Run.
Fuck!
I'm sorry.