Doug (1991) s03e02 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
[ sea gull screeches]
[ plodding drumbeats]
[ men moan and groan]
Doug:
YOU KNOW, BEING A SLAVE
HAS ITS UPS AND DOWNS
[ growls]
BUT A SLAVE'S MISERY IS
DETERMINED BY HIS MASTER.
[ whip cracks]
OW!
Woman:
UH-UH-UH-UH.
IN MY CASE
IT WAS THE WORST KIND OF
MASTER-- THE SISTER KIND.
NO, NO, NO, DOUGIE.
NOT UNTIL YOU FINISH ROWING
AND SWAB MY ROOM
AND WEIGH THE ANCHOR
AND BUNG UP
THE BAGGYWRINKLE
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
[ cheering]
IT ALL STARTED WHEN I DID
SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY STUPID.
[ barks]
HIT ME, HIT ME, I'M OPEN.
OOPS!
WHOA WHOA WHOA!
WHOA
UH-OH.
BUT WHAT MADE THIS
EVEN WORSE WAS
HUH?
[ gasps]
MY SISTER JUDY SAW
THE WHOLE THING.
WELL, WELL, WELL,
LITTLE BROTHER.
I SUPPOSE YOU KNOW
MOM WILL DISOWN YOU.
[ laughs nervously]
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL MOM
ARE YOU?
TELL MOM?
[ gasps]
WHY, DOUGIE,
I'M SURPRISED AT YOU.
TO THINK THAT I'D KEEP THIS
FROM OUR LOVING MOTHER.
PLEASE, JUDY,
YOU CAN'T TELL ON ME.
IF MOM FINDS OUT,
SHE'LL KILL ME.
IF YOU DON'T TELL ON ME,
I'LL I'LL
I'LL DO ANYTHING.
ANYTHING!
ANYTHING?
HERE AND HERE
AND HERE
AND IF YOU COULD
JUST INITIAL HERE.
THERE WE ARE.
NOW, WHAT DID I JUST SIGN?
OH, JUST A FORMALITY.
THIS IS MERELY A CONTRAC
OUTLINING THA
FOR ONE WEEK
STARTING SATURDAY
AT 4:00
YOU, DOUG FUNNIE,
SHALL BE
MY PERSONAL SLAVE.
AND YOU WON'T TELL MOM?
WHY, DOUG, WITH THIS
CONTRACT, I CAN'T.
NOT IF AS LONG AS YOU
DO EVERYTHING I SAY.
AT FIRST, BEING JUDY'S
PERSONAL SLAVE WASN'T SO BAD.
[ clears throat]
COMING RIGHT UP.
OH!
[ yells]
[ growls]
I DID HER CHORES,
CLEANED HER ROOM--
YOU KNOW, THE BASICS.
[ yelps]
[ snoring]
BUT THE THINGS SHE HAD ME DO
GOT WEIRDER AND WEIRDER.
Judy:
YOO-HOO, DOUG.
YOU CAN DRAW.
ALTER ALL THESE T-SHIRTS.
ALTER?
YES, DERRICK DEREKSON
HAS GROWN A BEARD.
THEN REORGANIZE
MY BOOKSHELF
ACCORDING TO THE NUMBER
OF WORDS IN A BOOK.
A FAT BOOK CAN BE DECEIVING--
BEWARE OF THE LARGE PRINT.
THEN COLOR COORDINATE MY BERETS
AND REGROOVE MY
RECORD COLLECTION.
[ snoring]
WHAT THE?
HEY, YOU.
HA-HA!
[ gasps]
I DON'T THINK YOU'LL BE
NEEDING THIS ANYMORE.
CURSES!
[ cheering]
AREN'T YOU'RE TAKING THIS
TOO FAR, JUDY?
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE WE SHOULD LE
MOM AND DAD DECIDE THAT.
WE'LL TELL THEM
HOW YOU SMASHED
OKAY, OKAY,
YOU WIN.
ANYTHING ELSE YOU
WANT TO DISCUSS?
NOTHING, JUDY.
UH-UH-UH.
[ sighing:]
NO, JUDY, QUEEN
OF THE UNIVERSE.
THAT'S BETTER.
CIAO.
HEY, PORK.
IS DOUG AROUND?
[ banging on ceiling]
HUH?
HUH?
DOUG?
WHAT THE?
WHAT'S UP, MAN?
NICE OUTFIT.
REAL FUNNY.
THIS IS JUDY'S NEW DRESS.
I'M "BOHEMIANIZING" IT.
"BOHEMIANIZING" IT?
WELL, YOU KNOW,
WRINKLING THEM
WEARING THEM IN.
THAT SURE IS NICE OF YOU.
NICE, NOTHING!
JUDY HAS SOME DIRT ON ME
AND I HAVE TO BE HER
PERSONAL SLAVE FOR A WHOLE WEEK.
MY BROTHER HAS ONE ON ME, TOO.
GOOD THING HE CAN'T TALK YET.
THE GOOD THING IS
MY SENTENCE IS THROUGH TOMORROW.
SHE EVEN MADE ME
SIGN A CONTRACT.
Judy:
OH, THERE YOU ARE.
I WAS LOOKING FOR YOU.
WHAT'S THIS?
A NOTICE.
WHILE YOUR FRIEND IS HERE
MAYBE HE'LL HELP
MOVE MY BRICK COLLECTION
UP TO THE ATTIC.
"THIS IS TO NOTIFY DOUG FUNNIE
"HE IS IN BREACH OF CONTRAC
"WITH JUDY FUNNIE
IN ACCORDANCE WITH CLAUSE 243
OF THAT CONTRACT."
Judy:
CLAUSE 243:
NO WHISTLING
WHILE WORKING
NEAR JUDY FUNNIE.
REMEMBER WHISTLING
WHILE RE-SKINNING
MY BONGOS?
THAT WAS WHEEZING.
I HAD A COLD.
WHAT DOES
THIS MEAN?
YOU HAVE NOT FULFILLED
OUR CONTRACT.
SO?
SO THAT MEANS
THAT THERE MUST BE
SOME COMPENSATION
ON THE PAR
OF YOU TO ME.
AND WHAT WOULD
THAT BE?
PAGE EIGHT,
LAST PARAGRAPH.
"THEREFORE, IN COMPENSATION
FOR SAID BREACH
"DOUG FUNNIE SHALL SERVE
AN ADDITIONAL WEEK OF SERVITUDE
TO JUDY FUNNIE, SO THERE"?
THAT'S GOOD,
RIGHT?
HUH?
I MEAN, BAD
VERY BAD.
FOR ANOTHER WEEK?
NO WAY, JUDY.
YOU'RE NOT SUCKERING
ME IN AGAIN.
STICK WITH OUR DEAL.
THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO,
DOUG.
IT'S THE CONTRACT.
OH, I KNOW.
MAYBE WE CAN GE
MOM TO ARBITRATE.
SHE'LL DECIDE
WHAT'S FAIR.
MO!
ALL RIGHT, JUDY,
ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, SKEETER
AND PORKCHOP.
Man:
MEET DOUG FUNNIE.
HE'S HIS SISTER'S SLAVE
AND HE DOESN'T LIKE IT.
MEET JUDY FUNNIE.
SHE'S GOT HER BROTHER
OVER A BARREL
AND THERE'S NOTHING
HE CAN DO.
IT'S THE CASE
OF THE RELUCTANT FLUNKY
TODAY ON FAMILY COURT.
WELL, DOUGLAS,
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE SUNK.
NEXT CASE!
[ laughs maniacally]
[ sighs]
PORKCHOP, HOW DID I EVER
GET MYSELF INTO THIS MESS?
Mom:
JUDITH, YOU'RE NO
GOING TO THAT PARTY
UNTIL YOU CLEAR
YOUR OLD COSTUMES
OUT OF
THE BASEMENT.
Judy:
DON'T WORRY, MOTHER,
IT'LL GET DONE.
AND I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT--
HOW ABOUT IF WE GIVE
THE WHOLE BASEMEN
A GOOD SCRUBDOWN?
WHY, JUDITH
THAT'S SO
SWEET OF YOU.
OH, BELIEVE ME, MOTHER,
IT'S REALLY NO PROBLEM.
BECAUSE IWILL BE DOING IT.
THIS CONTRACT HAS ME STUCK
SERVING JUDY FOR MY ENTIRE LIFE
BECAUSE OF THIS
LEGAL MUMBO-JUMBO.
LISTEN TO THIS STUFF.
"POINT 103,
CONTRACT SHALL BE
NULL AND VOID
IN THE EVENT"
NULL AND VOID.
WHY NOT SAY
"WORTHLESS"?
"CONTRACT SHALL
BE WORTHLESS
IN THE EVENT"
HUH?
AN OUT, PORKCHOP.
IT'S RIGHT HERE.
IT WAS SO SIMPLE.
I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF I
A LONG TIME AGO.
Judy:
OH, DOUGIE, BEFORE I FORGET,
YOU NEED TO CLEAR OU
ALL MY OLD COSTUMES
FROM THE BASEMEN
AND GIVE IT A GOOD SCRUBDOWN.
NOPE.
UH-UH-UH.
REMEMBER OUR DEAL.
IT'S ALL THERE.
POINT 103, READ.
"CONTRACT SHALL BE NULL AND VOID
"SHOULD THE PARTIES'
PARENTS FIND OU
ABOUT PARTY ONE'S MISHAP."
IN OTHER WORDS,
ONCE THEY FIND OU
I'M OFF THE HOOK.
BUT I HAVEN'
SAID A WORD.
BUT I HAVE.
I TOLD HER.
I SHOULD HAVE DONE
THAT FIRST.
MOM DIDN'T CARE
ABOUT THIS THING.
SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT IT WAS.
SHE GROUNDED ME FOR A WEEK
FOR WAITING SO LONG
TO TELL HER.
DOUG, MOTHER SAID
I COULDN'T GO OU
UNLESS THA
BASEMENT WAS DONE.
Q PHILLIPS IS GIVING
A BIG PARTY.
I MUST GO
TO THAT PARTY!
YOU'VE GOT TO DO THIS.
IF YOU DO, I'LL DO
I'LL DO
ANYTHING?
I DECIDED TO HELP JUDY OU
AND SHE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME
AT Q PHILLIPS' PARTY.
AS FOR BEING GROUNDED FOR A WEEK
WELL, UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES,
IT HASN'T BEEN SO BAD.
JUDY, I'M DONE WITH THIS PAGE.
YES, DOUG.
UH-UH-UH.
YES, YOUR ROYAL KING
HIGH-MUCKETY-MUCKNESS.
WELL, THEN YOU CAN DUS
MY COMICS
DRAW PORKCHOP'S BATH,
TUNE MY BANJO
ARRANGE MY ROCK COLLECTION
AND ORGANIZE
MY BEET TRADING CARDS
OIL MY SOFTBALL GLOVE
[ laughing and glass breaking]
Roger:
STAND BACK.
DEAR JOURNAL, WHAT A DAY.
WE WERE ON OUR WAY TO SCHOOL
WHEN WE BUMPED INTO
LET'S SEE IF YOU
CAN DO THIS, FUNNIE.
SAY GOOD-BYE
TO THAT WINDOW.
Doug:
HA-HA, GOOD ONE, ROGER.
[ kids laughing]
GOOD SHOT, ROGER.
YEAH, GOOD SHOT.
WE'LL SEE
YOU LATER.
LET'S SEE YOU
BREAK SOME GLASS.
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
SUDDENLY, THE WINDOW SEEMED
A LOT FARTHER AWAY.
UM WELL, UM
WELL, I DON'T THINK
ARE YOU CHICKEN?
WELL, IF WE
HAD PERMISSION
WELL, SURE
I'D THROW IT.
YOU GOT IT, KID.
THIS HOUSE
IS HISTORY.
MIGHTY NICE OF YOU
TO ASK THOUGH.
MOST BOYS
WOULDN'T BOTHER.
WELL, DON'T MENTION IT.
HURRY UP.
WE DON'T WAN
PATTI TO MISS THIS.
[ Doug swallows hard]
NOW I HAD TO HIT THAT WINDOW.
WELL, HERE GOES NOTHING.
HA-HA.
NICE SHOT, DEADEYE.
WOW!
[ cheering]
NICE THROW, HUH, PATTI?
DOUG FUNNIE, YOU'RE TERRIBLE.
[ kids laughing]
WHY WOULD PATTI
GET SO MAD AT ME?
I KEPT THINKING
ABOUT IT ALL DAY.
WHY DOES SHE THINK
I'M TERRIBLE?
[ imitating rocket]
[ rocket explodes]
HEY, DID YOU HEAR?
[ imitating explosion]
HE DEMOLISHED
A WHOLE HOUSE!
I JUST KNOCKED DOWN A HOUSE.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
GREAT THROW, DOUG.
HOW COULD THAT POSSIBLY
MAKE HER MAD?
AND ROGER COULDN'T EVEN HI
THE WINDOW.
[ laughing]
WHAT COULD HAVE MADE HER
SO ANGRY?
AW, MAN.
HEY, YOU GO
ALL THE GOOD ROCKS.
BOGUS!
HUH?
HUH?
EXCUSE ME, BOYS.
MIND IF I TRY?
SURE THING,
MR, FUNNIE.
[ all gasp]
[ gasps]
[ cheering]
Roger:
UNBELIEVABLE!
DOUG FUNNIE,
YOU'RE TERRIBLE.
I JUST CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.
WHAT DID I DO?
KNOCK DOWN
A WHOLE HOUSE!
CAN I HAVE
YOUR AUTOGRAPH?
MAKE IT OUT TO RUSTY.
SURE, HERE YOU GO.
HEY, BEEBE.
THAT HOMEWORK WAS
THERE SHE IS, SKEET.
I'VE GOT TO TALK TO HER.
PATTI, LOOK,
I'M SORRY
I'M SORRY.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE
GOTTEN MAD.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I'M SORRY.
REALLY?
THAT'S GREAT.
I DIDN'T KNOW
WHY YOU WERE MAD.
TO DAVID.
ALL I DID WAS KNOCK DOWN
SOME CRUDDY OLD HOUSE.
SOME CRUDDY OLD HOUSE?
THANKS, MR. FUNNIE.
PRETTY PROUD OF
YOURSELF, AREN'T YOU?
THESE KIDS NEED
SOMEONE TO LOOK UP TO.
FORGET IT.
YOU WANT ME
TO FIND OU
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH PATTI?
COULD YOU?
SURE, SIGN THIS
FOR ME FIRST.
IT'S BEEN TAKEN CARE OF.
OH!
[ sighs]
OH, MAN.
SO BEEBE,
WHAT DID SHE SAY?
I'M NOT SPEAKING TO YOU.
WHY ARE YOU NOT SPEAKING
TO ME?
I CAN'T TELL YOU.
I'M NOT SPEAKING
TO YOU.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING,
KEEP IT UP
AND THE MARCHING BAND
WILL DO A TRIBUTE TO YOU.
YOU'RE THE MOS
POPULAR KID IN SCHOOL.
EXCEPT WITH PATTI.
AND BEEBE.
COULD YOU SIGN THIS
FOR MY BROTHER?
EXCUSE ME.
I'VE GOT TO FIND PATTI.
[ kids greet Doug]
LOOK, DOUG
MAKE IT OU
TO JIMMY.
PATTI, WHAT'S GOING ON?
THERE ISN'T ANYTHING
TO DISCUSS.
BEEBE SAID
BEEBE? I DIDN'T SAY
NO NEED TO LIE.
WELL, YOU DIDN'T EVEN
LET ME FINISH MY SENTENCE.
I'M SORRY, DOUG.
GO AHEAD.
SAY, COULD YOU
EXCUSE US?
I FORGO
WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY.
THAT'S JUST FINE
WITH ME.
YEAH, WELL, ME, TOO.
ME, TOO.
ME, TOO!
WHAT HAPPENED, DOUG?
WHAT'D SHE DO?
ACTED CRAZY AND
SPILLED HER PAPERS
AND EXPECTS ME
TO PICK THEM UP.
YOU'VE GOT PROBLEMS.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHY DOES THIS
LOOK FAMILIAR?
OH, THAT'S THE HOUSE
YOU WRECKED.
WHAT?
PATTI MOVED OU
TWO YEARS AGO
AFTER HER MOM DIED.
DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT?
SAY, DO YOU THINK MAYBE
THAT'S THE REASON SHE'S UPSE
BECAUSE YOU
DESTROYED HER HOUSE?
Doug:
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
Skeeter:
I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.
HOW WAS I SUPPOSED
TO KNOW?
WELL,
EVERYBODY DOES.
I JUST MOVED HERE.
I KNOW THAT, DOUG.
I'M YOUR BES
FRIEND, REMEMBER?
SHE'S NOT THE ONLY
ONE WHO EVER MOVED.
YEAH.
WELL, I'LL SEE
YOU, BUDDY.
I GOT TO
GET HOME.
I HAD TO MOVE, TOO
AND I'M NOT GETTING
BENT OUT OF SHAPE.
[ growls]
IT'S NOT LIKE SHE WAS
LIVING IN IT AT THE TIME.
I COULD SEE HER GETTING MAD
IF SOME GUY DID THAT.
WHO WOULD HAVE HIM
AUTOGRAPH A ROCK?
WELL, NO ONE, THAT'S WHO.
THEN I NOTICED THE HEIGHT CHART
FROM OUR OLD HOUSE
THE ONE MY MOM STARTED
WHEN I WAS BORN.
STAND UP REAL
STRAIGHT AND TALL.
THAT A WAY, COWBOY.
GIDDYAP!
ARE YOU ALL
PACKED UP, DOUG?
DO WE HAVE TO MOVE?
OH, HONEY, DON'T WORRY.
YOU'RE GOING
TO LOVE BLUFFINGTON.
NO, I WON'T.
[ Roger and kids talking]
BREAK THEM!
[ cheering]
WHOA!
[ cheering]
BOY, NOW I KNOW HOW SHE FEELS.
COME ON, PORKCHOP.
[ barks]
WE HAD TO FIND SOMETHING PATTI
COULD REMEMBER HER OLD HOUSE BY.
[ sighs]
WELL, MAYBE THIS WASN'
SUCH A GREAT IDEA.
[ Porkchop barks]
WAY TO GO, PORKCHOP.
THAT'S PERFECT.
I GOT TO PATTI'S APARTMENT
AS THE STREETLIGHTS CAME ON.
HEY, DOUG.
MR. MAYONNAISE
I'M SORRY ABOU
WHAT I DID.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT I DID
UNTIL AFTER I DID IT.
WHOA, SLOW DOWN.
LET ME START AGAIN.
HELLO, MR. MAYONNAISE.
IS PATTI HOME?
DOUG, SHE IS
BUT SHE DOESN'
FEEL WELL NOW.
OH, WELL, IF YOU COULD
TELL HER
I'LL SEE HER AT SCHOOL
AND I'M SORRY I BOTHERED YOU.
HOW COULD I BE SO DUMB?
I DON'T BLAME HER FOR HATING ME.
Patti:
DOUG, WAIT!
WAIT A SECOND.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO
KNOCK DOWN YOUR HOUSE.
I JUST THREW A ROCK.
IF YOU NEVER WAN
TO SPEAK TO ME AGAIN
DOUG, WAIT.
UM, UH
WHAT?
MAYBE MAYBE I'M THE ONE
WHO SHOULD BE SORRY.
YOU'RE NOT MAD?
NO, DOUG, I
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S FOR YOU.
IT'S SOMETHING
I THOUGHT WOULD
HELP YOU REMEMBER
THE PATTERSONS?
THE PATTERSONS?
IT'S OUR NEXT-DOOR
NEIGHBORS' DOOR KNOCKER.
BOY, I CAN'T EVEN GE
THE RIGHT DOOR KNOCKER.
NO, DOUG.
I'D LIKE TO KEEP IT,
IF THAT'S OKAY.
TO REMIND YOU
OF HOW DUMB I AM?
NO TO REMIND ME
OF HOW SWEET YOU ARE.
HUH?
WHILE YOU CAN WRECK
A WHOLE HOUSE WITH JUST ONE ROCK
IT TAKES MORE THAN THAT
TO WRECK A FRIENDSHIP.
[ gasps]
WOW!
WOW, NICE SHOT,
PORKCHOP.
WAIT A MINUTE!
THAT'S MYSLINGSHOT.
HAVE YOU BEEN IN MY STUFF?
DON'T GIVE ME
THAT "WHO ME?" LOOK.
I CAUGHT YOU RED-HANDED
AND NOW YOU'RE GOING TO PAY UP.
BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO