Duck Dynasty (2012) s03e02 Episode Script

1 ( Korie ) Willie, are you as excited as I am about your reunion this weekend ? ( Jase ) Reunion ? Willie, do I have to remind you how much you've changed since high school ? He still looks the same.
( laughing ) Are you kidding me ? You have to say that 'cause you married him.
( Willie ) Around here, high school reunions are a big deal.
It's a great opportunity to show off how successful you are, how smoking hot your wife is and how little hair you've lost.
I'm looking forward to it.
We're going dove hunting.
You need to come with us.
You'll have a way better time.
He needs to go to his high school reunion.
It's a big deal.
I didn't go to mine.
I went frog-hunting.
Here's my take on high school reunions.
If I haven't contacted you in the last 20 years, there's probably a reason for that.
They're not gonna know who you were.
I mean, you are unrecognizable.
What are you talking about, son ? This just looks like a kid.
Now, you look like the sasquatch who ate this guy.
( laughing ) Hey, all I've done is grown a beard.
And added about a "hundo.
" Jase.
I haven't gained 100 pounds.
Have you lost your mind ? You're sucking in your gut.
I'm not sucking crap in.
Everybody picks up a little weight.
It's solid weight.
I like a man with a little meat on his bones.
Well, let me tell you something.
You hit the jackpot.
"I like a man with a little meat on his bones" ? That's polite for, "You're fat.
" That boy is in there, somewhere, screaming, saying, "Let me out.
I've been eaten.
" ( Jase ) Willie then handsome.
Willie now rotund.
I've gotten muscular.
( laughing ) His dimples went from his upper cheeks to his lower cheeks.
Don't you need to go to work ? I'm just trying to save you some misery.
We're gonna have fun, Willie.
It's gonna be great.
Well, you better get ready for the fat jokes.
Get out of here.
'Cause they're coming.
Silk suit Black tie I don't need a reason why They come running just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl's crazy 'Bout a sharp-dressed man @Cwluc == S03E02 Can't Hardly Wait == ( quacking ) ( Si ) They ain't really started flying yet.
( Phil ) Nah, it's too early.
( duck whistle calling ) They'll crank up here in a few minutes.
( Jase ) Hunting doves, it's one of my most favorite activities because doves are the filet mignon of the sky.
I sure would like about 15 of them.
They are delicious.
With some jalapeno peppers and a little of that cream cheese and then wrapped in bacon.
Scrumptious, tasty.
Addictive.
And grilled to perfection.
Oh, I'm a dove addict.
And I don't apologize for it.
They gonna be hard to hit in this wind.
Oh, yeah.
Especially when they start dipping and darting.
( Si ) All right, look here.
Opening day of dove season, I wouldn't say it's a competition, but, hey, I'm fixing to show these boys what it sounds like when a dove cries.
Look, here comes three, Phil.
Right there, Phil.
( gunshots firing ) Get 'em, Juju ! Fetch up, Ruby.
Hey, look out there.
I knocked down two of them and my dog didn't even move.
Ruby, were you even paying attention ? ( Jase ) Si, I don't think that dog likes you.
What are you talking about ? Silas Robertson and dogs, they don't bond too well.
I don't know what you over here breathing so hard for.
You ain't done nothing.
( Phil ) You can have a prize lab that's trained in every way, but they start running with old Si, they forget everything they've ever learned.
Takes about ten minutes.
( dog whimpering ) No, you can't have my tea, Rube.
No tea, Rube.
Hey, there's nothing better than hunting with a man and his dog.
Eh-eh-eh-eh.
Nope, nope.
Hey you stay.
That's a bond that cannot be broken.
Nope, Rube, Rube, no.
But, hey, something ain't right here.
When are you gonna get in on the hunt here instead of sitting there, looking ? Hey, look here.
You're a dog.
Why do you think they have the term, "working like a dog" ? ( Phil ) Hey, right here, right here, coming.
Here he comes, Si.
I see him, I see him, I see him.
( gunshots firing ) Uh-oh ! God, got a piece of that one.
Fetch up here, come on.
Nope, she's going on the dove's, Si.
Good girl, Ruby.
All right, come on.
Ruby, fetch up ! Uh-oh.
Come on.
I have to say that dog won't bring it back to you.
( laughing ) Personality issue.
I've had it with this thing.
Hey, she's just rubbing it in.
Ruby, fetch up here, come on.
( Jase ) That dog just don't like Si.
This dog is defective.
I gotta find out if I can return this thing.
No dogs like Si.
I'm fixing to retire that heifer.
They smell 'em and they get bad vibes.
( Willie ) What coat is it ? That brown one.
The one I got you a couple months ago.
Oh, yeah.
Oh yep.
Ooh.
Is this mine ? That's yours.
Korie, did you leave it in the car too long ? I don't think a sports coat can shrink, Willie.
Well it has shrunk.
( Willie ) Korie's been doing this a lot recently.
She shops at these fancy stores that sell clothes for, like, little European men.
They don't fit.
It's too tight.
( Willie ) She keeps saying they're the same size she always buys but that's obviously not the case.
Let me button it.
Well Should I lay down ? I don't think that's gonna help.
Korie, I can't do any of my dance moves.
See, when I go low-- I can't even go low.
Well, I mean, if you want to lose a few pounds, you can come to yoga with me.
Yoga ? Korie, that's what men call "stretching.
" I don't mind losing some weight, but I ain't gonna lose my pride.
I'm not going to yoga.
That's for girls.
Willie.
I'm not doing it.
I just need a little bit of help to get me back to my fighting weight.
I know how to lose weight the man way.
Luckily, I still have my permit for these two guns.
Well, I think you look good.
I love you, baby.
I think I can button it.
Korie, can you help me get out of this jacket ? ( Miss Kay ) Hey, baby, come here.
I'm cooking-- You like me cooking ? That's what you do.
You want to eat it, don't you ? ( Jase ) Well, hey, Miss Kay.
Hey, Jase, hey, guys.
J.
J.
is such a good dog.
That's what she is.
Such a good dog.
Oh, gon.
Hey, y'all wanna eat some rice ? You don't like rice.
( Phil ) Miss Kay is a dog lover and she will talk to them in a kind, loving, motherly way.
( whimpering ) I just whip their butt.
( Jase ) We got you some doves.
Oh ! I love 'em, I love 'em.
Well, me and Phil got you some.
Si was just there for moral support.
Si, you couldn't hit the doves ? Oh, hey, I killed four or five.
I gotta go get me a real hunting dog.
Emphasis on "hunting.
" You gotta find a dog that fits your personality, like me, okay ? I need to get me a natural-born killer when it comes to hunting.
She said, let me show you what I think about you.
( chomping ) Hey, personality issue.
( Si ) All right, look here.
You gotta be well-groomed, handsome-- I gotta find one, hey, that don't mind to take a nap every once in a while.
I gotta go find me a good dog.
( Miss Kay ) I'll go with you, I love dogs.
I have a sense about-- Dogs do love you.
To get Si a dog, you're gonna need a sixth sense and maybe a seventh.
Si's definitely not the dog whisperer.
He scares them.
I can find a good dog.
Look how good J.
J.
and Bobo are.
Kay, it don't take much to lay on the couch.
I got that down pat.
( Jase ) I mean, the last dog we had, the first thing the dog did was bite Si right on the wrist.
I mean, Si scares humans, too.
But they just don't bite him.
( Miss Kay ) Well, we'll go tomorrow.
All right.
Try to find you a dog with a screw loose so it matches the master.
Willie, we finally got them duck pickers.
We're caught up.
Good.
What ? ( exhaling ) What are you doing ? Working out.
That's not working out.
Yeah, it is.
My arms are burning.
My eyeballs is what's burning.
I just burned 40 calories right then.
( laughing ) I mean, I don't know whether to laugh at Willie or cry.
I feel like I have to laugh to keep from crying.
Jase, I've determined that I'm gonna drop a few pounds.
This is a terrible way to do that ! What if somebody sees you doing this ? Well, most people knock, but-- What is this ? Sweat suit.
What is seen cannot be unseen.
This is etched into my brain now.
I don't know if I feel sorrier for Willie or myself.
You've given me a visual image that I'm gonna have to deal with the rest of my life.
I'm gonna wake up in the middle of the night, seeing you doing this with some kind of spacesuit on.
It's a sweat suit.
You need to let me help you.
I would rather put my hair in pigtails and wear makeup than take workout tips from Jase.
No.
You want to get in shape in a hurry ? I'll show you just how to do it.
It's real, it's natural and it's manly.
Jase-- I know the way out of this ! But if he can help me drop some wait before this reunion Are you ready to do this ? give me some ponytail holders and lipstick.
Yes, if you'll get out of my office and quit yelling.
You ready ? All right, deal ! Operation Little Willie is in full effect.
That's a terrible name.
( Si ) I'm having a problem with my dog.
He won't bring the doves back to me.
I think he's doing it for spite.
Me and him have a personality issue.
Well, I don't know about personality.
We've got lots of dogs here to choose from.
We've got young dogs, we've got old dogs.
Different breeds of dogs.
( Si ) Hey, this place has got all kinds of dogs here.
Golden terriers, they got wiener schnitzels, Trans-Siberian huskies.
I think I'll find me a dog here.
This one's got a beard.
Si, this dog looks like you.
Looks have got nothing to do with it.
It's all about-- hey-- attitude.
Look at that one.
He's the king of the hill-- I don't want him.
You don't want a dog who thinks he's too fancy for the work you want him to do.
You know, if you get a dog like that, hey, the next thing you know, you'll both be getting matching pedicures.
Sit-- that's what I thought.
Si, you gotta bond with him, you know ? You gotta bond with him, Kay ? Yeah, of course.
They love me.
I know why they love you.
'Cause I smell like food.
That's right.
They always love the cook.
Right.
That's what it is.
( Miss Kay ) It's not always easy to match a dog with someone's personality, especially somebody like Si.
( dogs barking ) Hey ! Settle down out there, all right.
If a dog had Si's personality, it'd be old, cranky, mangy, lazy, stinky.
( Si ) Hey, you won't do.
I would never get a nap with you around, son.
( Miss Kay ) Basically, if Si were a dog, we'd have to put him down.
Hey, can we take one of these for a test run ? Sure, we can take one for a test run.
( Si ) Hey, look here.
A dog is just like a car or a mattress or a tree, you know.
You gotta test 'em.
All right, let's see what we're gonna do.
Looking good.
Oh, that is good.
All right, all right, here we go, all right.
Whoop Good luck with that.
I've never seen her do that.
That's a defective dog.
Well, let's go look at some other dogs.
We'll find one, Si.
We'll find one.
Yeah, I'll bring DNA to you if that'll help.
( Jase ) You gotta harness the power of the gut.
( Jep ) Use inertia to your advantage, come on.
You got it.
There it is.
There you go.
You feel it ? Why exactly am I cutting your firewood ? Because I'm training you to get in shape.
I have chosen the perfect workout for Willie.
Lookee there.
Strike one.
I was in the best shape of my life when I cut firewood for a living.
The more swinging you do, the more carbs you're losing.
The greatest lesson that I learned hauling firewood was that if you can find somebody else to do this do it.
This sucks.
Look, if you don't get in shape, you're gonna be the butt of all jokes.
I sure hope that ax doesn't slip and hit you in the gut.
'Cause then gravy's gonna come out.
( laughing ) That's real funny.
Every time you back up, we want the beeping to stop.
( laughing ) How does insulting me help me lose weight ? This is motivation.
I'm picturing all y'alls faces on the top of this wood.
That's my motivation.
I know that reunions are about living your high school days, but doing Jase's chores while he and Jep are sitting around cracking jokes is not what I had in mind.
What if I just go into a gym ? ( sighing ) You have got to be kidding me.
That's why people go to gyms, to work out.
Wear the little shorty-shorts and prance around in a gym ? ( Jase ) When you're in a gym, you're getting up on a stationary bike-- why ? You're not going anywhere.
You got all this.
This is God's gym.
When I work out, I'm working out side.
Plus, I need my firewood cut.
I'm telling you, you're looking slimmer.
Don't you feel good ? No, I don't.
Uh-oh ! ( chuckling ) Man down.
I'm done.
Come on, Will.
It's just one little knot.
You gotta get mad at the knot and say, "Hey, I'm not gonna let you beat me.
" You know why you hurt your back ? 'Cause you hadn't been doing this in 20 years.
You want Martin to rub it out for you ? ( Jep ) Give him a rubdown, Martin.
( Martin ) No, no, no, no, no.
He don't pay me to rub his back, that's for sure.
Let that back pain send you a message.
"Hey, Willie put down the bacon bits.
" He didn't even get to finish the second part, stacking it.
That works them legs and the buttocks.
You want to get in shape ? No, I'm busy.
This tea is not gonna drink itself, Jase.
Well Reed, Cole, got a job for you.
( woman ) Toes together, knees out wide, and push your bum back towards your heels.
Breathe in-- Come on, lift your bum up, Willie.
Send it up to the sky.
Out.
( Willie ) I know I said I would never do yoga, but, hey, after that day with Jase, it's time to find a more relaxing way to get into shape.
( woman ) Breathe in, down dog.
( Willie ) What can I say ? When the going gets tough, the tough strap on camo tights.
( woman ) Breath in.
Down dog means your-- Make your body like a "V.
" There you go.
That ain't nothing like a dog.
Breathe in.
Willie has absolutely no idea how hard yoga is.
The dog does this, he's sick.
Bring your toes together.
I'm gonna enjoy seeing him sweat.
Up dog.
Up dog.
Left foot forward, Warrior I.
( Willie ) They should give these poses names that reflect reality, like "spine snapper.
" Where are we-- Hold onto the straps, Willie.
Lift your chest.
There you go.
Why don't you put an apple in my mouth, too ? Or "wheelchair-bound.
" ( woman ) Bridge or wheel.
You can come into a back bend if you'd like.
Put your hands by your ears.
Go up, lift, lift.
( Willie ) Oh Lord, no.
Y'all got a bridge, I got a ditch.
Or "humanly impossible.
" ( woman ) If anybody wants to take headstand here, you can.
Uh-uh, that ain't happening.
I'm about to create my own pose.
( sneezing ) "Dying fat man.
" Breathe in, reach up.
I'm-- I got the breathing in.
Okay.
That's happening naturally.
Release.
( exhaling ) Let's come into happy baby.
Let's rock a little back and forth.
Who comes up with these words ? Korie, look how ridiculous this is.
Hey, Mom.
Oh, hey, baby.
Come on in, we're almost done.
Bella, look at this happy baby.
Phil I thought Kay was picking up Bella for me.
What y'all got going here ? Oh, my Lord.
( Willie ) There's a lot of words I would use to describe this.
"Happy" is not one of them.
( Korie ) Oh.
Phil, it's not what it looks like.
( Phil ) Danger.
( imitating alarm beeping ) Red lights blinking.
Phil ! What in the world has happened to my boy ? Dad ! ( Phil ) Yuppies.
Oh, my God.
I'm never gonna hear the end of this.
I'm not a happy baby.
( Jase ) I can't believe you bought that dog.
( Si ) Hey, don't badmouth my dog now.
That's some hairdo there.
Hey, he ain't in no beauty contest, all right ? Si, you've just gone slap crazy.
No.
Si, that's a poodle.
Hey.
I know.
Look at the statue on this thing.
I mean, he's got "killer" written all over him.
You're more blind than I thought.
Hey, poodles are one of the best hunting dogs there are, everybody knows that.
That dog there was bred for a fancy person.
And by the way, poodles, they don't give a rat's behind about what other people think about 'em.
Hey, guess what ? Just like me.
That's what old women have and people of royalty.
Well, just call me Prince.
You know, what can I say ? Si's dog ridiculous.
I mean, the dog has got style.
Embarrassing.
I've never seen anything like it.
Stupid.
This sucker is a hunting dog now, I'm telling you.
Sometimes I really think he is insane.
I tell you one thing, he got a set of "cods" on him that would make old Arnold Schwarzenegger blush.
He's all man, don't ever doubt that.
With a haircut like that, he better have a set of cods on him.
I guarantee you.
'Cause he's gonna need 'em.
Elvis had a hairdo, too, and look how he done.
( laughing ) Hey.
Is that your logic ? If we ever kill any doves, y'all gonna take back all these bad words y'all been talking about my dog.
Uh-oh, we got one that's blind.
He's leaning, he's leaning, he's leaning.
Try him.
All right, fetch up, Coot, back.
Oh my goodness.
That dog is going to get that dove.
( Jase ) The poodle actually retrieves doves.
( Phil ) If I hadn't have seen it, I wouldn't have believed it.
Good boy.
I'll never badmouth another poodle as long as I live.
( Phil ) We might all break out with the poodles if we can get past the embarrassment of having them ride in your truck with you.
Somebody sees you with a poodle, that's a-- Kind of a scary thought.
Good work, killer, good dog.
That right there, hey, that's a Si Robertson dog.
( Jase ) I think Si's found his soul mate.
( Si ) Old Mr.
Fancypants ain't bad, Jase.
( Bella ) Where's Mom ? She's taking forever.
Hurry up, Mom.
( Korie ) All right, y'all ready ? Yeah.
Yeah.
Whoa ! Mama ! You like it ? Yeah.
Do I still got it after all these years ? Yeah, you do.
Now let's see if Dad still has it.
Come on, Willie.
Can't rush this.
Oh, looking good, looking good.
Well, it's come to my attention that since high school I've put on a little weight.
No, not you, Dad.
Pipe down, Sadie.
So I've been on a strenuous exercise program.
This jacket has become a symbol of the new, thinner me.
This is it.
The moment of truth.
Let's hope it fits.
All right, go for it, Will.
Drumroll, Will.
A little help.
All right.
Let's see.
Ooh ! Yeah.
Oh, and it even buttons.
It does.
Wow.
Holy crap, this thing actually fits ? That looks good.
You see ? Hard work and dedication actually pays off.
And I still got a little room for dancing.
Yeah, and you look good.
A good wife will support her husband no matter what.
Just as hot as you were when I married you.
Oh, man.
( Korie ) A great wife saves the receipt and takes the jacket back for a bigger size when nobody's looking.
All right, kids, we're leaving.
Bye ! Don't wait up for us.
You better not do too much dancing.
One of those buttons will pop off and kill somebody.
( Miss Kay ) Something smell good ? ( Phil ) Ooh.
That would make a hound dog hug a kitty cat on a frosty morning.
( Willie ) Sometimes when you look back on where you start in life, you feel nostalgic.
Other times, you feel like you need to lose 20 or 30 pounds.
It's easy to make excuses for some of the mistakes you've made along the way, but ultimately, if you want to change, the weight is on your shoulders.
Or belt.
I guess I'm just grateful that I have my family to help me reach my goals, even if that involves fat jokes and camo tights.