Eagleheart (2010) s03e02 Episode Script
Whitley
Let's show 'em a back-to-back stack-and-jack.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Why don't you just tell us what happened? Aah! No, I didn't see how Brett fell into the wood chipper.
I know everything.
(gunshot) We're gonna brain-drain him.
They pull out all his memories everything.
Yeah.
As you can see, it's getting a little stubbly around here.
I mean, lately, I can't walk through this place without feeling I'm getting a bear hug from Candy Crowley.
Don't you worry, signor.
I'm gonna trim the walls nice and close, huh? Make 'em smooth like a bambino.
Okay.
Get snippin', Paps, okay? Here we go.
Thataboy.
Yeah.
(alarm blaring) Another store just got fire-bombed! Hop to! Hey.
I just gave my statement, and I just want you to know I didn't say anything.
Huh? About you and Brett.
Great.
Thank you.
Whatever.
Honey, I got bigger fish to [bleep.]
.
They're gonna brain-drain that Moss guy.
Hey, here.
Here you go.
Here's a little peanut for you.
- Here you go.
- What? No? Whatever.
and believing (high-pitched voice) Hey, don't worry, Chris! Your secret's safe with me! (deep voice) Hey, thanks, dum-dum! (high-pitched voice) Oh, that makes me sad.
(normal voice) Oh, that's perfect.
I finally cracked the scene.
(beep) Attention, marshals.
The brain drain will now commence.
(sighing) Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to witness the greatest tool in law enforcement since racial profiling The Brain Drain.
- This thing really work? - It better.
I sunk every penny I have into it.
Here we go.
This Brain Drain is sponsored by Adelman's Marshal Poison.
(all groan) What is this [bleep.]
, Gardner? Well, if you didn't want to sit through ads, you should have paid for Brain Drain Pro.
Here we go.
(baby crying) (moaning) - Is this relevant? - No, Susie, it's not.
We must be going through a part of his brain known as the spank bank.
(all groan) Groan if you want to, but that is the medical term.
It's where the male brain stores erotic images for use in the event of a jack attack.
Anyway, this guy's pleasure is none of our business.
We just have to skip past all this to get to the (bell dings) crime slime.
Here we go.
Susan, that was an accident, and I'm torn up about it.
You know, uh Come on, folks.
This isn't right.
I mean, we shouldn't be prying into a dead man's memories.
Step aside, Monsanto.
(record scratches) Uh-oh.
How's Chris gonna get out of this one? Let's watch.
(speaking indistinctly) Now, let us think.
How do we prevent people from finding out that I killed (squeaking) What is this rat memories? Nice move.
(chuckles) Don't do it, rat! Oh, I don't understand.
These these should be human memories.
Aah! All right, show's over.
Get that stiff back down to the morgue.
Chris, track down those fire-bombers before they strike again.
And, Gardner, quit wasting my time! (bell rings) Listen, kid, do you mind handling this one for me? All that rat footage gave me a major jack attack.
- Ugh.
Fine.
- Thanks.
Thank you for coming, Mrs.
Moss.
Of course.
Excuse me, Marshal.
We got to I.
D.
this body.
Oh, uh (upbeat music) (meows) (yowls) (meows) Bernard.
He looks so handsome, just like on our wedding day.
(upbeat sax music) That's it.
Perfect.
This is gonna be one heck of a show.
(chuckles) (upbeat sax music) So, what do you think? Well, I don't think we need the part with you saying it could be a heck of a show, but otherwise, I think it would be a good fit for our network.
I got a ton of footage like this.
He's always squirmin'.
And you've got his permission, right? - To do what? - To use his likeness.
You need to get him to sign a release.
You don't say.
No signature no show.
(knocks on door) Marshal Chris? Yes? Just a second.
(sizzling) - Can I talk to you for a minute? - Sure, LaBern.
What's up? Well, I've been watching you on the surveillance cameras, and you've been mighty entertaining lately.
Now, whatever you're trying to hide is none of my business, but the covering up is a real hoot.
I've got a man from a local television station who's interested in making a show out of it.
It can make me a rich man.
All you have to do is sign this release.
What are you talking about? I'm not gonna sign this.
No.
I am gonna get that signature.
Hello?! I'm a U.
S.
marshal! Come out with your hands up! What the hell is going on in here? (gun cocks) Freeze! - Don't shoot.
I'll spill.
- Where's the next bombing? Let me think.
Bombing I'm sorry.
I don't have time for this.
(gunshot) Ugh! This is Marshal Wagner.
I have a dead perp ready for drainage here at 58 North Hawthorne.
Sit tight, Wagner.
We'll have a unit there in 10 minutes.
Yeah.
Actually, I have an appointment I have to get to, so, uh, you can just let yourself in.
He's right on the floor.
You can't miss him.
- Ap'p'Pals? - Yes.
They're called Ap'p'Pals, and I think your audience is gonna get really into them and their adventures.
And think of the merchandising.
These rotten apples are gonna sell like rotten hot cakes.
I got a couple rotten apples for you right here.
Uh I'm here on business.
here's nothing wrong with mixing business with pleasure, and I would treasure the pleasure of giving you the business with my pleasure treasure.
(sighs) Just like all the rest disgusted by me.
Because I'm disgusting.
Okay, I-I think I've ironed out all the kinks, and this fire-bomber Susie killed is definitely gonna know where the next bombing is.
Here we go.
Crime slime.
(munching) - Hey, let's go.
- I don't have time for this.
(gunshot) (beep) - That's it? - Well, this doesn't make any sense! I mean, look at the timecode! It jumps almost four hours! There's a bomb set to go off in 20 minutes.
Time's up, Pete.
Your contract is over! Damn it! (laughter) Piece of [bleep.]
! I've given you everything! Why are you doing this to me?! Sorry, marshal Chris, but I need that signature.
"I killed Brett.
" "I killed Brett"? We got a confession! (gun cocks) Freeze, Whitley.
We got him! Mobley case closed.
Oh.
Great! Perfect.
Mm.
(clicks tongue) Good job.
(door opens) Oh, hey, tough luck, red.
We brain-drained that perp - Came up with nothin'.
- What?! I saw him carrying explosives.
That doesn't make any sense! - I can explain.
- Oh, yeah? It would be my pleasure.
I was going about my business, going through the files Business.
There's nothing wrong with mixing business with pleasure.
Pleasure.
This guy's pleasure is none of our business.
None of our business.
- Pleasure treasure.
- Brain Drain.
- Jack attack.
- Spank bank.
Of course! (dramatic music plays) Check his (sighs) spank bank.
All right, gentlemen.
Start your Sybians and let's go through this one more time.
(click, whirring) We're gonna squeeze through this real tight alley, right behind a library.
Ooh, yeah.
The library! Move out! Genius! They were sexing up their fire-bombing plans so that the memories would be stored in the spank bank, and wouldn't show up in the brain drain! How did they find out that we weren't looking in the, um, spank bank? They must have a mole on the inside.
Sounds good? I'm a-gonna betray them real nice.
Arrivederci, pigs! Get that stugots! (dramatic music plays) Come with your hands up! I'm a-gonna cut my life nice and short.
And then I remembered all the sex paraphernalia I'd found at the hideout, and that's when it hit me Spank bank! Boo-yah! (chuckles) Why didn't I think of that sooner, right? (laughs) - Nice work, Monsanto.
- But I was the one who was Hey, hey, kid, since you're so good at keeping secrets, why don't you just (deep voice) put this one on my tab? (high-pitched voice) Okay, Chris! (deep voice) Thanks, idiot! and believing (high-pitched voice) At least, I have an emotional outlet! Spirits in harmony I wish you were nicer to me, Chris! (deep voice) You would, dummy! Back-to-back stack-and-jack.
Baby Christmas is sooner Summer, too, yeah Is sooner than you think Mmm And, baby It will be here in a blink Well, Christma
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Why don't you just tell us what happened? Aah! No, I didn't see how Brett fell into the wood chipper.
I know everything.
(gunshot) We're gonna brain-drain him.
They pull out all his memories everything.
Yeah.
As you can see, it's getting a little stubbly around here.
I mean, lately, I can't walk through this place without feeling I'm getting a bear hug from Candy Crowley.
Don't you worry, signor.
I'm gonna trim the walls nice and close, huh? Make 'em smooth like a bambino.
Okay.
Get snippin', Paps, okay? Here we go.
Thataboy.
Yeah.
(alarm blaring) Another store just got fire-bombed! Hop to! Hey.
I just gave my statement, and I just want you to know I didn't say anything.
Huh? About you and Brett.
Great.
Thank you.
Whatever.
Honey, I got bigger fish to [bleep.]
.
They're gonna brain-drain that Moss guy.
Hey, here.
Here you go.
Here's a little peanut for you.
- Here you go.
- What? No? Whatever.
and believing (high-pitched voice) Hey, don't worry, Chris! Your secret's safe with me! (deep voice) Hey, thanks, dum-dum! (high-pitched voice) Oh, that makes me sad.
(normal voice) Oh, that's perfect.
I finally cracked the scene.
(beep) Attention, marshals.
The brain drain will now commence.
(sighing) Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, get ready to witness the greatest tool in law enforcement since racial profiling The Brain Drain.
- This thing really work? - It better.
I sunk every penny I have into it.
Here we go.
This Brain Drain is sponsored by Adelman's Marshal Poison.
(all groan) What is this [bleep.]
, Gardner? Well, if you didn't want to sit through ads, you should have paid for Brain Drain Pro.
Here we go.
(baby crying) (moaning) - Is this relevant? - No, Susie, it's not.
We must be going through a part of his brain known as the spank bank.
(all groan) Groan if you want to, but that is the medical term.
It's where the male brain stores erotic images for use in the event of a jack attack.
Anyway, this guy's pleasure is none of our business.
We just have to skip past all this to get to the (bell dings) crime slime.
Here we go.
Susan, that was an accident, and I'm torn up about it.
You know, uh Come on, folks.
This isn't right.
I mean, we shouldn't be prying into a dead man's memories.
Step aside, Monsanto.
(record scratches) Uh-oh.
How's Chris gonna get out of this one? Let's watch.
(speaking indistinctly) Now, let us think.
How do we prevent people from finding out that I killed (squeaking) What is this rat memories? Nice move.
(chuckles) Don't do it, rat! Oh, I don't understand.
These these should be human memories.
Aah! All right, show's over.
Get that stiff back down to the morgue.
Chris, track down those fire-bombers before they strike again.
And, Gardner, quit wasting my time! (bell rings) Listen, kid, do you mind handling this one for me? All that rat footage gave me a major jack attack.
- Ugh.
Fine.
- Thanks.
Thank you for coming, Mrs.
Moss.
Of course.
Excuse me, Marshal.
We got to I.
D.
this body.
Oh, uh (upbeat music) (meows) (yowls) (meows) Bernard.
He looks so handsome, just like on our wedding day.
(upbeat sax music) That's it.
Perfect.
This is gonna be one heck of a show.
(chuckles) (upbeat sax music) So, what do you think? Well, I don't think we need the part with you saying it could be a heck of a show, but otherwise, I think it would be a good fit for our network.
I got a ton of footage like this.
He's always squirmin'.
And you've got his permission, right? - To do what? - To use his likeness.
You need to get him to sign a release.
You don't say.
No signature no show.
(knocks on door) Marshal Chris? Yes? Just a second.
(sizzling) - Can I talk to you for a minute? - Sure, LaBern.
What's up? Well, I've been watching you on the surveillance cameras, and you've been mighty entertaining lately.
Now, whatever you're trying to hide is none of my business, but the covering up is a real hoot.
I've got a man from a local television station who's interested in making a show out of it.
It can make me a rich man.
All you have to do is sign this release.
What are you talking about? I'm not gonna sign this.
No.
I am gonna get that signature.
Hello?! I'm a U.
S.
marshal! Come out with your hands up! What the hell is going on in here? (gun cocks) Freeze! - Don't shoot.
I'll spill.
- Where's the next bombing? Let me think.
Bombing I'm sorry.
I don't have time for this.
(gunshot) Ugh! This is Marshal Wagner.
I have a dead perp ready for drainage here at 58 North Hawthorne.
Sit tight, Wagner.
We'll have a unit there in 10 minutes.
Yeah.
Actually, I have an appointment I have to get to, so, uh, you can just let yourself in.
He's right on the floor.
You can't miss him.
- Ap'p'Pals? - Yes.
They're called Ap'p'Pals, and I think your audience is gonna get really into them and their adventures.
And think of the merchandising.
These rotten apples are gonna sell like rotten hot cakes.
I got a couple rotten apples for you right here.
Uh I'm here on business.
here's nothing wrong with mixing business with pleasure, and I would treasure the pleasure of giving you the business with my pleasure treasure.
(sighs) Just like all the rest disgusted by me.
Because I'm disgusting.
Okay, I-I think I've ironed out all the kinks, and this fire-bomber Susie killed is definitely gonna know where the next bombing is.
Here we go.
Crime slime.
(munching) - Hey, let's go.
- I don't have time for this.
(gunshot) (beep) - That's it? - Well, this doesn't make any sense! I mean, look at the timecode! It jumps almost four hours! There's a bomb set to go off in 20 minutes.
Time's up, Pete.
Your contract is over! Damn it! (laughter) Piece of [bleep.]
! I've given you everything! Why are you doing this to me?! Sorry, marshal Chris, but I need that signature.
"I killed Brett.
" "I killed Brett"? We got a confession! (gun cocks) Freeze, Whitley.
We got him! Mobley case closed.
Oh.
Great! Perfect.
Mm.
(clicks tongue) Good job.
(door opens) Oh, hey, tough luck, red.
We brain-drained that perp - Came up with nothin'.
- What?! I saw him carrying explosives.
That doesn't make any sense! - I can explain.
- Oh, yeah? It would be my pleasure.
I was going about my business, going through the files Business.
There's nothing wrong with mixing business with pleasure.
Pleasure.
This guy's pleasure is none of our business.
None of our business.
- Pleasure treasure.
- Brain Drain.
- Jack attack.
- Spank bank.
Of course! (dramatic music plays) Check his (sighs) spank bank.
All right, gentlemen.
Start your Sybians and let's go through this one more time.
(click, whirring) We're gonna squeeze through this real tight alley, right behind a library.
Ooh, yeah.
The library! Move out! Genius! They were sexing up their fire-bombing plans so that the memories would be stored in the spank bank, and wouldn't show up in the brain drain! How did they find out that we weren't looking in the, um, spank bank? They must have a mole on the inside.
Sounds good? I'm a-gonna betray them real nice.
Arrivederci, pigs! Get that stugots! (dramatic music plays) Come with your hands up! I'm a-gonna cut my life nice and short.
And then I remembered all the sex paraphernalia I'd found at the hideout, and that's when it hit me Spank bank! Boo-yah! (chuckles) Why didn't I think of that sooner, right? (laughs) - Nice work, Monsanto.
- But I was the one who was Hey, hey, kid, since you're so good at keeping secrets, why don't you just (deep voice) put this one on my tab? (high-pitched voice) Okay, Chris! (deep voice) Thanks, idiot! and believing (high-pitched voice) At least, I have an emotional outlet! Spirits in harmony I wish you were nicer to me, Chris! (deep voice) You would, dummy! Back-to-back stack-and-jack.
Baby Christmas is sooner Summer, too, yeah Is sooner than you think Mmm And, baby It will be here in a blink Well, Christma