Eastbound & Down s03e02 Episode Script

Fuck you! If she is not back by the time SWAT is over with Then she is going to have hell to pay.
Do you hear me? Yeah, I know.
This just makes absolutely no sense at all.
At all.
Leave me the kid.
You're going to have sex with me and then just going to leave me with the kid? It's not, nope.
It's not how we do it.
Where is she, Toby? Wha Where is she? Where, where would she have gone to? What is that smell? Oh, Jesus Christ! What'd you eat? Diarrhea? Perfect.
Okay.
That looks good to me.
Yes, April, it is I, Kenny.
You just had sex with me last night and then left this morning.
Okay, April, this isn't really funny.
Not sure where you are, but I'm starting to guess that I've been abandoned.
Yes, I'd like a large half Hawaiian, half pesto pizza.
I have a screaming baby here and he's super hungry.
Guess what, April, it's me.
Uh, if you could call me back on my wireless mobile cell phone device I would greatly appreciate it.
You know what? You know what? Forget that.
I'm coming to find you.
Fuck you! Shit.
Let's go.
That crying has already got me agitated about this whole situation.
Hey, yeah, well, how do you think I feel? Come on! I'm lending you for 24 hours only, the one-and-only world-famous, pussy rocket.
All right, I assume this is some kind of emergency, right? Yes, absolutely.
What are you doin'? I'm gonna take this kid and put him where he came from.
Right up April's asshole.
Oh, yeah, that's good.
I like that tone.
All right, please be careful with this, okay? You might want to buckle the little kid up, too.
There we are.
Put that goddamn baby inside there.
Stupid fucking baby.
I will have this car back tonight Without a goddamn scratch on it, or my name isn't Kenny fucking Powers.
There you go.
Okay.
Oh, Jesus Christ! He just puked all over your upholstery.
What? I think his body's rejecting the Pepsi.
Oh, shit! Okay, I'll be right back.
I'm gonna go get some spray.
Jesus Christ! Come on! Quick, get some towels.
I think he shit his pants, too.
Don't eat the puke.
Just keep it on the shirt.
April? Party's over! I'm returning your child! April! Come out and face your problems like a man! This is very, very cuntious behavior.
April! I'm going through your bras! Dawg, you've gotta stay with me.
I'm moving very fast today.
Come on! Henderson Realty.
Please hold.
What's up, realtors? Can you please tell me which of these desks belongs to April Buchanon? Huge tits? Excuse me? Never mind, I see a photograph of the child we share together.
Uh, sir, you can't do that! Kenny? Word! What's up, Jamie? What the hell are you doing? Uh, ssearching for April.
Look, I haven't heard from her, all right? I'm sorry.
I can't help you.
If you've had any sort of correspondence with her, any, I'm talking a fucking text message, an email, a fucking emoticon exchange, a facsimile, a fucking page, anything, I deserve to know.
Her son-child deserves to know.
Where's the child? Homeboy's chillin' right here.
What? Jesus, dude! She left him with you? I know.
It's the worst thing that anyone's ever done to me before.
But why the hell do you got him in a book bag? Because he'strying to make him eat this lettuce.
I poked holes in it, it's fine, he can breathe through it.
All right, look, uh, she called me from the road, all right.
She said that she needed some time off and that, uh, she needs to sort some stuff out.
Why the fuck would she call you? She hasn't called me! Look, I'm her boss, all right.
She works for me.
She should call me when she's gone.
And did you tell her to get her fucking lazy ass back to work? No! I told her to come back when she's ready.
What the fuck kind of operation are you running here, man? You're telling me how to run my business, you come in here with a baby in a bag.
What's that? Oh, excuse me I'm sorry if I don't know how to wrap him up in a papoose, and bounce him on my head in a basket like your people do.
Look I know April, and She wouldn't do this unless it was the last resort, okay? I'm putting you on blast, homeboy.
You're moving from neutral ally back to hostile threat.
Kenny Hostile threat.
Okay, so let's get ready to trust each other! This is gonna be fun.
Palms up, everybody.
Put your hands out.
Maybe take a step in.
Now I think the reason we had that fist fight in the supply closet, is that Robin has some trust issues.
So we're going to do something about that right now.
Robin Whenever you are ready, I just want you to close your eyes and trust us.
What's up? Is gay-ass yoga on the curriculum now? Oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh! - That bitch just fell.
- Robin! Yeah, well that's very unfortunate for all parties involved, but I don't know how I can help you, because I haven't talked to April in months.
I don't know where she is, and I don't care.
Well, it's good for you, but right now I just need to talk to you as a man to man.
I'm running out of options here, all right.
If you hear anything about her or know anything, you have to tell me.
You please have to tell me.
Do I? This kid's gonna have to eat, and I have absolutely no idea how to facilitate that.
You have a child in the backpack? Yes, he's resting.
Oh, okay.
Good luck to you with your life.
It's not going to be easy because both of your parents are horrible.
There, I've helped the child enormously.
Well, I need to get back to work.
What are you laughing at? Oh, it's just amusing how everything worked out.
Isn't it? Good luck to you.
Great.
All of your gloating has woken the child.
Go back to sleep.
- Hola, Kenny Powers.
- Hola, Maria.
Hola, Toby.
Yeah, he'd say, "What's up," but April never taught him how to speak, so Got something for you.
It's Friends DVD, season six.
Criterion collections.
Gracias.
Here, tend to this child.
- Take him.
Take this baby.
- Thank you.
Ah, my Bibliotheca, huh.
- Estupido? - Si.
Don't you dare blame the debacle of the publishing of my Mexico Chronicles on me.
Did you read the fucking preface your husband wrote? He ruined it.
Kenny Fucking Powers en mi casa, no.
I can't understand a fucking word you're saying.
And why are you wearing FUBU? That's for them, by them.
You're assimilating weird.
You look like a goddamn strange sort of Mexican Grimace.
Where's Stevie? I got a very important mission for him.
It's time-sensitive.
Kia.
What the fuck is that? Use your words right.
Write it down.
Put it on paper.
Kia? Service manager, line one.
Service manager, line one.
Well, would you lookie there? There's old whistle dick out here.
Cleaning another car.
Are you getting it clean? The customer wants it cleaned and shined.
Hey look, you missed a spot.
Smell that finger.
Smells like Saturday night.
You're a lucky man.
I will kick your ass! Let's go.
Damn, Stevie.
They got you out like a straight up gimp up in this mother fucker, huh? What's going on, dawg? What's up, dawg? What are you doing here? Look, I need you to drop all this gay bullshit, and fucking get back to work with me, all right.
I need your abilities to do stuff for me.
We gotta go find April.
Wait, wait.
And that's the only reason you came here? Well, being that she dropped me with her fucking kid, yes, it is my primary objective.
Well, in that case, good luck to you, but I really need to get back to work.
What's up with the womanly tone? Womanly tone? There's no womanly tone, Kenny.
Stevie, there is some very serious deep shit happening right now.
And I do not have time to play Inspector Gadget to your emotions.
What's up? What do you want me to say? I haven't seen you in a year.
You went to Myrtle Beach and then you left me in Shelby, okay.
Then I get a phone call out of nowhere telling me to self-publish your book.
And I did, and now I am thousands of dollars in debt, and I'm about to lose my apartment all because Nobody wanted your dang gum book, Kenny.
Nobody.
You're going to sit here and fucking cry, and blame me for the failure of The Powers of Now? I'm the one who said that nobody wants to see a Goddamn tale set in Mexico, okay.
I said we got to go super heavy on the Remo Williams adventure shit.
You're the one who said we had to go heavy on the depression, self-help shit! Now it's a damn muddy mish-mosh! You're a writer, I'm not a writer, I should have taken your note and I'm sorry.
Bottom line is Maria, my wife, does not think it's a good idea that I talk to you anymore.
So you've forgotten about the most golden of all rules.
What? Bros before hoes.
You did good, girls.
Grab yourself a donut.
Hold up.
Kenny Powers? Is that you at my new dealership? Ashley fucking Schaeffer.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! Captain Kenneth J.
Powers.
This is who you're working for now? Yeah.
I see you haven't forgotten about us little people.
Whoo! I thought you owned that BMW joint? Oh, I did, until I got tangled up with some Better Business Bureau bullshit.
Misplaced VIN numbers, customer gouging, allegations of prostitution, semi-automatic weapons found with trace levels of cocaine dust.
Those are just minor details that don't need to be discussed further.
You firing baseballs around my place didn't help much either, but I'm much happier here.
Kia's aa vastly superior machine.
Well, congratulations.
Good for you two butt fuckers.
Now if you wouldn't mind just sashaying on out of here, I'd like to finish this private convo with my business associate.
It's you, Mr.
Powers, who needs to sashay out of here.
Sashay off my property where I hold my Kias Because I'd hate forfor anything bad to happen to you.
Is that a gun? I don't know.
Is it? All right, fine.
Whatever.
I will vacate the premises, but not because you've intimidated me.
But because I'm in the midst of a very important mission right now.
To find the fucking mother of my son.
Okay? Stevie, come, let's do this.
Au contraire, Kenny Powers.
This little, this little baby-faced angel stays with me.
Yeah, he works for me now.
And his chores ain't done till the sun goes down.
Ain't that right? Yes, Mr.
Schaeffer.
Now you tell Mr.
Kenny Powers to run along now.
Run along now, Kenny Powers.
Stevie, I'm having a really hard time shoving this pill up my ass.
Scott can show you how to shove a pill up your asshole.
Delicious.
Fuck you, Scott.
Poor Mr.
Powers Why don't you run along and play with your imaginary things, okay? And let me just give you one thing to remember me by.
Oh! Damn! Fuck you, fuck you, especially fuck you.
Yeah, you walk on out of here, you bowlegged piece of shit.
Oh, my God! Oh, I like your muscle shirt.
Whoo-hoo! Whoo! How'd you like that, son? Well, you get back to work, okay? And get to rubbing deep in the crevices.
You're a lucky man.
I'm so wet right now.
Where are the bitches? Dustin's family! There's been a disaster tragedy that requires all of your immediate attentions.
Kenny? What are you doing here? Hi there, precious! How are you? Oh my, God.
Kenny, when was the last time you changed that baby? This morning.
Why? How many times are you supposed to? Give him to me.
He's got poo-poo running all down his cellulite.
It's good to see you spending some time with your boy.
Yeah, trust me, it's not by choice.
April ditched me with him, then split.
What? - Really? - Yep I went by her house and broke in.
She wasn't there.
Then I went by her fucking place of work.
Had to nearly deliver the critical beat down to her boss.
He told me she called, talking some shit about needing some time.
Damn Kenny, that sounds, that sounds serious.
That's some serious shit there.
Yeah, no shit it's serious, Dustin.
Stop stating obvious facts.
It's not progressing this dialogue, all right.
Cassie, what are the ladies at the tampon shop saying? Now Kenny, I haven't heard a thing.
But, my God, I hope nothing serious has happened to her.
To her? What about to me? I can't even believe this shit is happening, all right? A, who does this? Just disappears off the face of the earth without telling anybody? And, C, how the fuck am I gonna raise a kid When I'm still trying to raise a baseball comeback? Plenty of people have kids and a job.
You can do it.
Cassie, you definitely are more intelligent than my brother here, who right now sounds like a Goddamn moron.
Well, you know, I can certainly sympathize with you, Kenny.
Sure.
All right, perfect.
Well, then I have to ask you guys a very serious question.
Before you answer, I just want you to think about the well-being of this child.
Will you raise Toby as your own? We aren't going to raise your child Dustin, what did I say? I said, look before you leap Marinade on it, think about it.
Now then, Dustin, without being all cunty, you may answer.
We aren't going to raise your child.
Oh, I know Kenny, I know it seems a little overwhelming, right now, and to be honest, I'm a little terrified of the thought of you raising Toby, too, but, uh, you know, at the end of the day A baby needs his daddy, right, and that's you.
All right, final offer.
I'll throw you all mother fuckers $25 a week Which will cover like all his little panty liners And suches, this little baby stuff.
Kenny, man the fuck up.
You got this.
Fine, but I'll have you two know That this is the last time I ask either of you for a favor.
I'm sorry, that's just the way it's gotta be.
Now, hand me my son.
I have a life to ruin.
All right, you're just going to have to trust me on this one, buddy.
I can barely keep my own life together, let alone be responsible for someone else's.
You, on the other hand, you have a destiny much greater than anything I could afford you.
Your fate will be akin to those who have come before you.
The greats, like Moses, or the baby from Willow, and other people, too.
May the future Gods watch over you, my son.
Find your destiny.
Aw, shit! Kids do the darnedest things.
Shit.
Toby! Toby! Hola, Maria.
I need to talk to Stevie.
Stevie, no here.
Maria, I understand that you do not like me hanging around with your husband.
Well, he no here.
He boss have dinner party and he go.
He's at Schaeffer's house? Si.
Do you know where that mother fucker lives? Let's raise a glass, please.
Right here.
To our, uh, our corporate friends from the island nation of Korea.
We welcome you.
We hope for many, successful years of happiness and prosperity to Kia Motor Company.
I'd also like to raise a glass to my beautiful wife, Donna.
Oh, thank you, my darling.
And her luxurious, sumptuous rack.
Rack of boob.
And I'd like to raise a glass to myself, the leader of this flock.
I work hard every day at getting this hair in check.
Otherwise, I don't work much at all.
To me.
Dumplings are ready! Mmm! Mmm, mmm, mmm! Mammy makes the best dumplings in the world.
Mammy's dumplings will make you cum.
Oh! Cum fu! Ashley, I thought I raised you better than that, boy.
You did, Mammy, but I'm just all full of Fanta tonight.
You're gonna be full of more than that, you keep talking.
Sorry, Mammy.
All right, Maria, you and the kid hang here.
Okay? I'll go in and get him.
This is my friend's truck, so don't Mess with the bass settings or try to drive it or anything, okay? Okay.
Find him.
I will.
Goddamn, why the hell you trying to make the stakes all of sudden feel real high, and freak me the fuck out? Thanks, Maria.
If I could have your attention at this point in the evening, we'd like to, uh Introduce our entertainment.
Flown in all the way from the Orient, the very mysterious and alluring, Cherry Blossom! Oh, so seductive.
Look at the pageantry.
Focus on the pageantry.
She's gorgeous.
Yep, she's gorgeous.
She floats.
She floats above the ground.
Subtle movements.
Whoo! She may give lap dance later on.
She may give? She will give.
Come on, Cherry Blossom, don't be shy.
Get all the way into the room.
Work the line, work the line.
You heard Scott, Cherry Blossom.
Don't disappoint.
Mr.
Myung, that little lotus flower is just your style, isn't it? Are you getting an erection, Mr.
Myung? He's getting excited.
Yeah.
Yeah, do what you gotta do, Cherry Blossom.
- Show some fish.
- Here we go, Mr.
Quon.
We're serving dessert early.
Lift up your blouse.
Jackpot! Cherry Blossom is now in full bloom.
Rub some, rub some of that kimchi on that spot.
- Is that sushi? - Behold the delicious fruits.
It's all yours Yes, Cherry Blossom, yes! Who's gonna be the lucky man? Ugh! Ahhh! Nobody fucking move! Kenny! Well, well, well.
If it isn't my old friend, Kenny Powers.
Have you come here to sample some of Mammy's dumplings? Fuck those dumplings.
I came here to liberate my assistant.
You did? Stevie, why the fuck are you dressed up like The Joy Luck Club? All I know is, I put on a kimono, and then they made me rub my dick all over people.
It's called sex trafficking, Stevie.
These men are using you.
Mr.
Schaeffer, you made me rub my genitals on another man, and I have never done that before I met you! So I sincerely say to you, fuck you, Mr.
Schaeffer! I'm going with Kenny fucking Powers! Fuck yeah, you are! Unhand him, Scott! No! No! Who said you can come in here and And run rampant all over Ashley Schaeffer, in front of his guests, and my beautiful, beautiful sculpture-like wife, Donna? You cost me my dealership, Powers.
I thought you were fine with it.
I'm not fine! I sell fucking Kias! Think about that! You owe me a great debt, Powers.
It's time for me to collect.
Anybody ready for some more dumplings? Help me! Help me, boy! Mammy! Let her go! No! Not until you unhand Stevie first.
I'm not a slave trader, Powers! Oh, she's got my balls! Ahhh! Yeah! Go, Mammy, go! Get the fuck back! Help! Help me! - Go, Mammy, go! - Oh, shit, oh! Don't move, boy.
I'll blow your brains out your asshole.
Gabriel.
My son, my seed, you received my secret silent command.
Wonderful! Now you run upstairs and go wash yourself for father.
Gentlemen Do yourself a favor and grab your drinks and join me out on the back patio.
Tonight's going to bea special night.
All right, you all come on out.
Come on.
Don't try nothing.
Koreans We, here in the deep south, pride our self on our after-dinner aperitifs.
One, two, three, behold.
Yes, yes.
Joseph.
Me? I'm talking to you, Joe.
Mammy, here, told me about your tomfoolery in the tool shed.
Ashley, that was supposed to be secrets.
You misunderstood, Mammy.
That was love.
Is it true you taped a spoon to a rolled-up piece of newspaper And then tried to explore her privates with it? Mammy's a damn liar! That's what she is! You's a shit sniffer! Mammy don't lie! I'm a good Christian woman! Hand your firearm over to Scott and prepare to explain yourself to St.
Peter.
Hope you brought your track shoes.
Run! Joe, I'd get your high step going! The most fucked-up part is I'm having his baby.
Koreans behold.
If you have any question about my dedication and loyalty to Kia Motor Company, that was one of my most promising interns.
Cool.
That was a wonderful show, Mr.
Schaeffer.
Uh, Stevie and myself will tell no one of this, if you let us go right now.
I propose this to you, Mr.
Powers.
If you make it past the shitty creek, you're a free man.
I'll even let you take the alluring Cherry Blossom with you.
If you choose not to, I'll keep your boy for eternity.
Eternity? How would you even do that? Don't question, just answer.
How important is this pathetic man to you? Light the fucking cannon.
Consummate showman, Powers.
No, Kenny! I'm not worth it! I'm not worth it! I know you're not, Stevie, but I can't raise this fucking kid by myself.
I need you to move to Myrtle.
For real? Yes.
Approach the line.
Where, exactly, is the line? The linearts and, crafted by my son, Gabriel, with striking paper and two of his favorite stuffed animals.
- The Got it.
- You'll find it.
Cherry Blossom, you too.
Me, too? Apocalypto! What? Run! Ahhh! Run, Stevie! Run! Whoo! Old South! What is that horrible monster truck doing riding over my azaleas? There's no escaping Schaeffer plantation! I told you not to move the fucking truck! Feel the wrath! Let's go, let's go! Let's get fuck out of here! Go! Aw! Stupid! You fucking are weird! You are really fucking weird.
I fucked up big time.
He fucking pounded your nuts with a spoon.
I, I, I nearly got raped.
I mean he was going to rape